


All the Wrong Places

by wesleysgirl, Wolfling



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 19:50:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 336,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4362002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wesleysgirl/pseuds/wesleysgirl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfling/pseuds/Wolfling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a co-written series of in-character email, chat, and stories.<br/>It's as much an RPG as anything else. It's also a WIP.<br/>NC-17 -- contains explicit sex of assorted varieties.<br/>The characters don't belong to us. They are the property of Joss Whedon, ME, and FOX.<br/>Many thanks to our betas, Ginny and Jane Davitt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Last update in 2005, very unlikely to ever be updated again!

  
Where the hell am I?  
  
_____  
  
To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
  
I suspect you've got the wrong address. Please redirect your mail to whomever  
you were actually trying to contact.  
  
\- Pryce  
  
_____  
  
I'm not trying to contact anyone. I'm trying to find out where the bloody hell  
I am. It's a simple question, would just like a simple answer.  
  
  
_____  
  
To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
  
I'm certain that there *is* a simple answer; however, you're the one best  
suited to determine where you are. Have you been drinking? I suggest looking  
around until you find a door, then going outside and reading the number  
off of it. If still necessary, take a walk down the street until you see  
a street sign, and then you ought to have a relatively good idea.  
  
If you don't know which state or country you're in, then I suspect your troubles  
run much deeper than you might think.  
  
Please discontinue corresponding with this office. A number of people have complained  
about receiving your mail.  
  
\- Pryce  
  
_____  
  


To: LBXFGGMEPYOQKEDOTWF  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> > I'm certain that there *is* a simple answer, however, you're the one  
>  best suited to determine where you are. Have you been drinking?

  
I wish I had been, let me tell ya. But no, the last thing I remember doing  
is burning up while disconnecting a doomsday machine.

Burning up as in dead.

Lemme tell you, if this is what heaven is like I'm extremely disappointed.

If it's the other place, it's not really living up to its reputation either.  
And I demand a recount.  


> > I suggest looking around until you find a door, then going outside and  
>  reading the number off of it. If still necessary, take a walk down the  
>  street until you see a street sign, and then you ought to have a  
>  relatively good idea.

  
Which would be a perfectly good suggestion if there were doors here. Or,  
you know, if I seemed to have legs or eyes.  


> > If you don't know which state or country you're in, then I suspect  
>  your troubles run much deeper than you might think.

  
I'm dead so don't know how much deeper than that it could run.  


> > Please discontinue corresponding with this office. A number of people  
>  have complained about receiving your mail.

  
Okay, let's try this question then -- if you can't tell me where I am,  
how about where you are? What office?

_____

To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  


> > > I'm certain that there *is* a simple answer, however, you're the one  
>  best suited to determine where you are. Have you been drinking?
> 
> > I wish I had been, let me tell ya. But no, the last thing I remember doing is  
>  burning up while disconnecting a doomsday machine.  
>    
>  Burning up as in dead.  
>    
>  Lemme tell you, if this is what heaven is like I'm extremely disappointed.  
>    
>  If it's the other place, it's not really living up to its reputation either. And  
>  I demand a recount.

  
I assure you that if you're corresponding with me in this manner, you are  
not dead. 

> > > I suggest looking around until you find a door, then going outside and  
>  reading the number off of it. If still necessary, take a walk down the  
>  street until you see a street sign, and then you ought to have a  
>  relatively good idea.
> 
> > Which would be a perfectly good suggestion if there were doors here. Or, you  
>  know, if I seemed to have legs or eyes.

  
You're clearly drunk, or high, or something similar. 

> > > If you don't know which state or country you're in, then I suspect  
>  your troubles run much deeper than you might think.
> 
> > I'm dead so don't know how much deeper than that it could run.

  
Again, you wouldn't be able to talk to me if you were dead, I assure you. 

> > > Please discontinue corresponding with this office. A number of people  
>  have complained about receiving your mail.
> 
> > Okay, let's try this question then -- if you can't tell me where I am, how about  
>  where you are? What office?

  
Wolfram and Hart.

Please, get yourself some help.

\- Pryce

_____  


To: LBXFGGMEPYOQKEDOTWF  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

The name's Doyle. Not... whatever it was that you just called me.  
  


> > I assure you that if you're corresponding with me in this manner, you  
>  are not dead.

  
No, I'm pretty sure I am. Saw the skin and muscles on my hands melting away when I yanked the plug. And I'm not going to even go into what it felt like.  
  
Just take my word for it, it wasn't survivable. 

> > You're clearly drunk, or high, or something similar.

  
Gotta tell you, really wish I was. But distressingly sober.  
  
Just dead.  


> > Again, you wouldn't be able to talk to me if you were dead, I assure  
>  you.

  
Considering where you are, you should know that dead isn't necessarily  
that much of an impediment. Hell, I used to work for a dead guy, when  
I was alive. Though he had legs and eyes and stuff. And fangs.

But a coworker had a ghost roommate -- probably still does if it comes  
to that -- and he doesn't have anything.

Hey, maybe that's what I am, a ghost. But that still doesn't answer where  
I am.

Wonder if there's some way to get in touch with Dennis....  


> > > Okay, let's try this question then if you can't tell me where I am,  
>  how about where you are? What office?
> 
> > Wolfram and Hart.

  
Crap. Trust me to end up in the afterlife with my only contact some guy  
at the evil lawfirm.  


> > Please, get yourself some help.

  
Don't suppose you'd be willing to pass on a message with that intent to  
Angel Investigations?

_____

To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  


> > The name's Doyle. Not... whatever it was that you just called me.

  
Doyle? Surely you're joking. It can't...

No, it couldn't.  


> > No, I'm pretty sure I am. Saw the skin and muscles on my hands melting away when  
>  I yanked the plug. And I'm not going to even go into what it felt like.

  
You've clearly been well-briefed. You're very convincing.

But rest assured, you won't convince me.  


> > > You're clearly drunk, or high, or something similar.
> 
> > Gotta tell you, really wish I was. But distressingly sober.

  
And no doubt being paid a great deal.  


> > > Again, you wouldn't be able to talk to me if you were dead, I assure  
>  you.
> 
> > Considering where you are, you should know that dead isn't necessarily that much  
>  of an impediment. Hell, I used to work for a dead guy, when I was alive. Though  
>  he had legs and eyes and stuff. And fangs.  
>    
>  But a coworker had a ghost roommate -- probably still does if it comes to  
>  that -- and he doesn't have anything.  
>    
>  Hey, maybe that's what I am, a ghost. But that still doesn't answer where I  
>  am.  
>    
>  Wonder if there's some way to get in touch with Dennis....

  
I'm...

Again, you're very convincing. Congratulations on a job well done.

I'm sure you're sitting in front of a monitor right now, feeling very smug.

> > > > Okay, let's try this question then if you can't tell me where I am,  
>  how about where you are? What office?
> 
> > > Wolfram and Hart.
> 
> > Crap. Trust me to end up in the afterlife with my only contact some guy at the  
>  evil lawfirm.

  
FORMERLY-evil law firm.  
  


> > > Please, get yourself some help.
> 
> > Don't suppose you'd be willing to pass on a message with that intent to Angel  
>  Investigations?

  
Angel Investigations no longer exists.  
  
\- Pryce  
  
______  


To: LBXFGGMEPYOQKEDOTWF  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> > > The name's Doyle. Not... whatever it was that you just called me.
> 
> > Doyle? Surely you're joking. It can't...  
>    
>  No, it couldn't.

  
You're a regular doubting Thomas ain't ya? "You're not dead, you're  
not Doyle..." Geez. Alan Francis Doyle, deceased, at your service.  
I'd offer to shake your hand but I seemed to have misplaced mine.  


> > You've clearly been well-briefed. You're very convincing.

  
Yeah, I'm well-briefed. If living it (so to speak) is considered being briefed.

And I'm convincing because I'm telling the goddamned truth.  


> > But rest assured, you won't convince me.

  
Not only do I get an evil lawyer, but a pathologically stubborn evil lawyer.  


> > > Gotta tell you, really wish I was. But distressingly sober.
> 
> > And no doubt being paid a great deal.

  
Yeah. Being dead is the next big job.

Jerk.  


> > > Wonder if there's some way to get in touch with Dennis....
> 
> > I'm...

  
You're...?  


> > Again, you're very convincing. Congratulations on a job well done. 

  
Again, convincing because I'M TELLING THE BLOODY TRUTH!  


> > I'm sure you're sitting in front of a monitor right now, feeling very  
>  smug.

  
Sitting in front of something would involve having a body, which I don't  
seem to have at the moment. So really, NO.  


> > > > Wolfram and Hart.
> 
> > > Crap. Trust me to end up in the afterlife with my only contact some  
>  guy at the evil lawfirm.
> 
> > FORMERLY-evil law firm.

  
Yeah and I'm going to take an evil lawyer's word for it.  


> > Angel Investigations no longer exists.

  
What?!

_____

To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  


> > > Doyle? Surely you're joking. It can't...  
>    
>  No, it couldn't.
> 
> > You're a regular doubting Thomas ain't ya? "You're not dead, you're not  
>  Doyle..." Geez. Alan Francis Doyle, deceased, at your service. I'd offer to  
>  shake your hand but I seemed to have misplaced mine.

  
All right, let's say, for sake of argument, that you're actually Doyle. And you're...  
inside the computer. Somehow. How would you have gotten there? How long have you  
been there? Since you died? 

> > > You've clearly been well-briefed. You're very convincing.
> 
> > Yeah, I'm well-briefed. If living it (so to speak) is considered being briefed.  
>    
>  And I'm convincing because I'm telling the goddamned truth. 

  
I'm finding it a bit difficult to believe. 

> > > But rest assured, you won't convince me.
> 
> > Not only do I get an evil lawyer, but a pathologically stubborn evil lawyer.

  
I'm not a lawyer. 

> > > > Gotta tell you, really wish I was. But distressingly sober.
> 
> > > And no doubt being paid a great deal.
> 
> > Yeah. Being dead is the next big job.  
>    
>  Jerk.

  
Let's save the name-calling for once we've established exactly what is going on,  
shall we? 

> > > > Wonder if there's some way to get in touch with Dennis....
> 
> > > I'm...
> 
> > You're...?

  
I was going to say, I'm starting to think that you might be telling the truth.  
But obviously I was having a hard time with that. Er, still am. 

> > > Again, you're very convincing. Congratulations on a job well done.
> 
> > Again, convincing because I'M TELLING THE BLOODY TRUTH!

  
I'm making an effort to see if that might be a possibility. 

> > > I'm sure you're sitting in front of a monitor right now, feeling very  
>  smug.
> 
> > Sitting in front of something would involve having a body, which I don't seem to  
>  have at the moment. So really, NO.

  
If what you're saying is true (and yes, I know, you're telling the truth) then  
I suspect you're inside the computer system here at Wolfram and Hart. Which is  
NO LONGER an evil law firm, I assure you. 

> > > > > Wolfram and Hart.
> 
> > > > Crap. Trust me to end up in the afterlife with my only contact some  
>  guy at the evil lawfirm.
> 
> > > FORMERLY-evil law firm.
> 
> > Yeah and I'm going to take an evil lawyer's word for it.

  
Again, I'm not a lawyer. 

> > > Angel Investigations no longer exists.
> 
> > What?!

  
Angel Investigations was absorbed into Wolfram and Hart a few months ago. Took  
it over, one might say, although it's a bit more complicated than that.

Tell me something that will convince me that you're really who you say you are,  
and I'll try to help.

\- Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

_____  


To: LBXFGGMEPYOQKEDOTWF (Wesley Wyndam-Pryce)  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  


> > > You're a regular doubting Thomas ain't ya? "You're not dead, you're not  
>  Doyle..." Geez. Alan Francis Doyle, deceased, at your service. I'd  
>  offer to shake your hand but I seemed to have misplaced mine.
> 
> > All right, let's say, for sake of argument, that you're actually Doyle.  
>  And you're... inside the computer. Somehow. How would you have gotten  
>  there? How long have you been there? Since you died?

  
I'm inside the computer?  


> > > And I'm convincing because I'm telling the goddamned truth.
> 
> > I'm finding it a bit difficult to believe.

  
Yeah, that's coming across loud and clear.  


> > > Not only do I get an evil lawyer, but a pathologically stubborn evil lawyer.
> 
> > I'm not a lawyer.

  
You work for an evil -- sorry *formerly* evil -- lawfirm. If you're not  
a lawyer...?  


> > > Jerk.
> 
> > Let's save the name-calling for once we've established exactly what is  
>  going on, shall we?

  
Well you've been spending your time calling me crazy, drunk and a liar,  
so it's not like I started it.  


> > I was going to say, I'm starting to think that you might be telling the  
>  truth. But obviously I was having a hard time with that. Er, still am.

  
You know I'd be banging my head against something hard in frustration  
if I *had* a head.  


> > > > Again, you're very convincing. Congratulations on a job well done.
> 
> > > Again, convincing because I'M TELLING THE BLOODY TRUTH!
> 
> > I'm making an effort to see if that might be a possibility.

  
It's gotta be since it's THE TRUTH.  


> > If what you're saying is true (and yes, I know, you're telling the  
>  truth) then I suspect you're inside the computer system here at Wolfram  
>  and Hart. Which is NO LONGER an evil law firm, I assure you.

  
I'm *in* the computer system? How the hell did I end up in Wolfram and  
Hart's computer system?  


> > > > FORMERLY-evil law firm.
> 
> > > Yeah and I'm going to take an evil lawyer's word for it.
> 
> > Again, I'm not a lawyer.

  
Notice you're not protesting the evil bit there.  


> > Angel Investigations was absorbed into Wolfram and Hart a few months  
>  ago. Took it over, one might say, although it's a bit more complicated  
>  than that. 

  
All right, when I told Angel to get more connected to the world, that  
isn't what I meant.  


> > Tell me something that will convince me that you're really who you say  
>  you are, and I'll try to help.

  
I have no idea what you'd know. But... if Angel Investigations took over  
Wolfram and Hart, that would mean Cordelia and Angel are still there?

Tell Cordelia I asked if the rats are still low.  


> > \- Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

  
Certainly sounds like an evil lawyer name....

_____

To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

> > > All right, let's say, for sake of argument, that you're actually Doyle.  
>  And you're... inside the computer. Somehow. How would you have gotten  
>  there? How long have you been there? Since you died?
> 
> > I'm inside the computer?

  
Well I suppose that's over-simplifying things. Since technically you've been able  
to send email to, as near as I can figure it, everyone in the firm, it would be  
more accurate to say that you're in the computer *system.* Which would explain  
your apparent lack of body parts.

If this were true.

Lord, I'm actually starting to act as if it is.

> > > > And I'm convincing because I'm telling the goddamned truth.
> 
> > > I'm finding it a bit difficult to believe.
> 
> > Yeah, that's coming across loud and clear.

  
Is that really so surprising? Try to see it from my point of view.

And yes, I'm trying to see it from yours. It must be very frustrating.

> > > > Not only do I get an evil lawyer, but a pathologically stubborn evil lawyer.
> 
> > > I'm not a lawyer.
> 
> > You work for an evil -- sorry *formerly* evil -- lawfirm. If you're not a  
>  lawyer...?

  
I came into the firm when Angel and the rest of the group did. I'm in charge of  
a number of things, but suffice it to say, I have only a layman's knowledge of the law. I've never taken the Bar, and I prefer libraries to courtrooms.  


> > > Let's save the name-calling for once we've established exactly what is  
>  going on, shall we?
> 
> > Well you've been spending your time calling me crazy, drunk and a liar, so it's  
>  not like I started it.

  
All right, that's fair. Although to be honest you didn't make a very good first  
impression. 

> > > I was going to say, I'm starting to think that you might be telling the  
>  truth. But obviously I was having a hard time with that. Er, still am.
> 
> > You know I'd be banging my head against something hard in frustration if I *had*  
>  a head.

  
Don't worry, we'll straighten this out.  


> > > > Again, convincing because I'M TELLING THE BLOODY TRUTH!
> 
> > > I'm making an effort to see if that might be a possibility.
> 
> > It's gotta be since it's THE TRUTH.

  
Yes, yes, I understand. 

> > > If what you're saying is true (and yes, I know, you're telling the  
>  truth) then I suspect you're inside the computer system here at Wolfram  
>  and Hart. Which is NO LONGER an evil law firm, I assure you.
> 
> > I'm *in* the computer system? How the hell did I end up in Wolfram and Hart's  
>  computer system?

  
I honestly couldn't say. I...

Oh.

A few days ago (and I'm not certain which day for sure, because I wasn't paying  
close enough attention to when, only to the results) we had one of the company's  
employees -- a shaman -- do a spell. However, since I signed off on the final version, I *am*  
certain that the wording was "return the Seer's consciousness."

And now I'm obviously beginning to suspect that this was... misinterpreted.  


> > > > Yeah and I'm going to take an evil lawyer's word for it.
> 
> > > Again, I'm not a lawyer.
> 
> > Notice you're not protesting the evil bit there.

  
I'm... not evil. 

> > > Angel Investigations was absorbed into Wolfram and Hart a few months  
>  ago. Took it over, one might say, although it's a bit more complicated  
>  than that.
> 
> > All right, when I told Angel to get more connected to the world, that isn't what  
>  I meant.

  
I don't believe it was his first choice, if it's of any reassurance. But the opportunity  
presented itself, and it seemed... a way to do some good. After the year we'd  
all had, some security seemed like a very fine idea. 

> > > Tell me something that will convince me that you're really who you say  
>  you are, and I'll try to help.
> 
> > I have no idea what you'd know. But... if Angel Investigations took over Wolfram  
>  and Hart, that would mean Cordelia and Angel are still there?  
>    
>  Tell Cordelia I asked if the rats are still low.

  
Angel and Cordelia are still here, yes. But perhaps it would be better for you  
to suggest something that Angel would know? Although to be perfectly blunt I'm  
not looking forward to approaching him with the matter.  


> > Certainly sounds like an evil lawyer name....

  
I'm not sure if you genuinely think so or if you're just being stubborn.

\- Wesley W-P

_____

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> > To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
>  From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

  
You can't just put "To: Doyle"?  


> > > I'm inside the computer?
> 
> > Well I suppose that's over-simplifying things. Since technically you've  
>  been able to send email to, as near as I can figure it, everyone in the  
>  firm, it would be more accurate to say that you're in the computer  
>  *system.* Which would explain your apparent lack of body parts.

  
Great. In my afterlife I'm playing the part of HAL.  


> > Lord, I'm actually starting to act as if it is.

  
About time.  


> > > > I'm finding it a bit difficult to believe.
> 
> > > Yeah, that's coming across loud and clear.
> 
> > Is that really so surprising? Try to see it from my point of view.

  
Don't really have eyes to see anything...

But yeah, I suppose I could see how this could be... unexpected.  


> > And yes, I'm trying to see it from yours. It must be very frustrating.

  
Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it.  


> > I came into the firm when Angel and the rest of the group did. I'm in  
>  charge of a number of things, but suffice it to say, I have only a  
>  layman's knowledge of the law. I've never taken the Bar, and I prefer  
>  libraries to courtrooms.

  
You worked with Angel?  


> > > Well you've been spending your time calling me crazy, drunk and a  
>  liar, so it's not like I started it. 
> 
> > All right, that's fair. Although to be honest you didn't make a very  
>  good first impression.

  
We'll wait until you die and then wake up inside a computer system and  
see how chipper you are at first.  


> > > You know I'd be banging my head against something hard in frustration  
>  if I *had* a head.
> 
> > Don't worry, we'll straighten this out.

  
Thank you.  


> > > I'm *in* the computer system? How the hell did I end up in Wolfram and  
>  Hart's computer system?
> 
> > I honestly couldn't say. I...  
>    
>  Oh.  
>    
>  A few days ago (and I'm not certain which day for sure, because I  
>  wasn't paying close enough attention to when, only to the results) we  
>  had one of the company's employees -- a shaman -- do a spell. However,  
>  since I signed off on the final version, I *am* certain that the wording was  
>  "return the Seer's consciousness."  
>    
>  And now I'm obviously beginning to suspect that this was...  
>  misinterpreted.

  
Could see where I could be called the Seer.

But if you weren't trying for me, what were you trying for?  


> > > Notice you're not protesting the evil bit there.
> 
> > I'm... not evil.

  
Not a lot of enthusiasm in that denial there.  


> > > > Angel Investigations was absorbed into Wolfram and Hart a few months  
>  ago. Took it over, one might say, although it's a bit more complicated  
>  than that.
> 
> > > All right, when I told Angel to get more connected to the world, that  
>  isn't what I meant.
> 
> > I don't believe it was his first choice, if it's of any reassurance.  
>  But the opportunity presented itself, and it seemed... a way to do some  
>  good. After the year we'd all had, some security seemed like a very  
>  fine idea.

  
Okay that brings up another question -- I now know where I am -- in a  
vague sort of way -- but when am I?  


> > > I have no idea what you'd know. But... if Angel Investigations took  
>  over Wolfram  
>  and Hart, that would mean Cordelia and Angel are still there?  
>    
>  Tell Cordelia I asked if the rats are still low.
> 
> > Angel and Cordelia are still here, yes. But perhaps it would be better  
>  for you to suggest something that Angel would know? Although to be  
>  perfectly blunt I'm not looking forward to approaching him with the  
>  matter.

  
Why? What's wrong with Cordelia?

Angel -- ask him if any demon's blood has turned him human lately.  


> > > Certainly sounds like an evil lawyer name....
> 
> > I'm not sure if you genuinely think so or if you're just being stubborn.

  
Sounds high falooting and pretentious. Ergo -- evil lawyer.

Doyle

_____

To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  


> > You can't just put "To: Doyle"?

  
Well I've no idea where that will end up, do I? I'm just hitting "reply."  


> > > Well I suppose that's over-simplifying things. Since technically you've  
>  been able to send email to, as near as I can figure it, everyone in the  
>  firm, it would be more accurate to say that you're in the computer  
>  *system.* Which would explain your apparent lack of body parts. 
> 
> > Great. In my afterlife I'm playing the part of HAL.

  
Yes, very good. They say maintaining a sense of humor in difficult times is a  
powerful coping mechanism. 

> > > Lord, I'm actually starting to act as if it is.
> 
> > About time.

  
From my point of view, it's still early days here.  


> > > Is that really so surprising? Try to see it from my point of view.
> 
> > Don't really have eyes to see anything...  
>    
>  But yeah, I suppose I could see how this could be... unexpected.

  
That's a good enough word, I suppose. Despite past events, one doesn't really  
expect the dead to return to life. Or, er, whatever this is you're doing. 

> > > And yes, I'm trying to see it from yours. It must be very frustrating.
> 
> > Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it.

  
I'm sure. It's hard to get my sympathy across via this medium, but I *am* sympathetic. 

> > > I came into the firm when Angel and the rest of the group did. I'm in  
>  charge of a number of things, but suffice it to say, I have only a  
>  layman's knowledge of the law. I've never taken the Bar, and I prefer  
>  libraries to courtrooms.
> 
> > You worked with Angel?

  
Still do, yes. I tracked a demon to L.A. just after you died. I knew him in Sunnydale  
actually, although only briefly. 

> > > > Well you've been spending your time calling me crazy, drunk and a  
>  liar, so it's not like I started it.
> 
> > > All right, that's fair. Although to be honest you didn't make a very  
>  good first impression. 
> 
> > We'll wait until you die and then wake up inside a computer system and see how  
>  chipper you are at first.

  
Again, fair enough. 

> > > > You know I'd be banging my head against something hard in frustration  
>  if I *had* a head.
> 
> > > Don't worry, we'll straighten this out.
> 
> > Thank you.

  
You're welcome.  


> > > A few days ago (and I'm not certain which day for sure, because I  
>  wasn't paying close enough attention to when, only to the results) we  
>  had one of the company's employees -- a shaman -- do a spell. However,  
>  since I signed off on the final version, I *am* certain that the wording was  
>  "return the Seer's consciousness."  
>    
>  And now I'm obviously beginning to suspect that this was...  
>  misinterpreted.
> 
> > Could see where I could be called the Seer.  
>    
>  But if you weren't trying for me, what were you trying for?

  
Cordelia. 

> > > > Notice you're not protesting the evil bit there.
> 
> > > I'm... not evil.
> 
> > Not a lot of enthusiasm in that denial there.

  
I'm neither evil nor good. More somewhere in between. I do what needs to be done.  


> > > I don't believe it was his first choice, if it's of any reassurance.  
>  But the opportunity presented itself, and it seemed... a way to do some  
>  good. After the year we'd all had, some security seemed like a very  
>  fine idea.
> 
> > Okay that brings up another question-- I now know where I am -- in a vague sort  
>  of way -- but when am I?

  
It's currently the beginning of September, 2003.  


> > > > Tell Cordelia I asked if the rats are still low.
> 
> > > Angel and Cordelia are still here, yes. But perhaps it would be better  
>  for you to suggest something that Angel would know? Although to be  
>  perfectly blunt I'm not looking forward to approaching him with the  
>  matter.
> 
> > Why? What's wrong with Cordelia?

  
She's in a form of suspended animation, not unlike a coma. That is, of course,  
why we were attempting to return her consciousness to her. 

> > Angel -- ask him if any demon's blood has turned him human lately.

  
I will. I promise. Just... give me a bit of time in which to figure out the best  
way to bring this up. I don't want to upset him. 

> > > > Certainly sounds like an evil lawyer name....
> 
> > > I'm not sure if you genuinely think so or if you're just being stubborn.
> 
> > Sounds high falooting and pretentious. Ergo \-- evil lawyer.

  
Well, I'm hardly about to change my name just so you'll think it sounds less  
like that of an evil lawyer. So you'll just have to get used to it.

\- Wesley W-P

_____

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> > > You can't just put "To: Doyle"?
> 
> > Well, I've no idea where that will end up, do I? I'm just hitting  
>  "reply."

  
So I'm at... TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH?  


> > > Great. In my afterlife I'm playing the part of HAL.
> 
> > Yes, very good. They say maintaining a sense of humor in difficult  
>  times is a powerful coping mechanism.

  
Seeing as that's about all I have left at the moment....  


> > > But yeah, I suppose I could see how this could be... unexpected.
> 
> > That's a good enough word, I suppose. Despite past events, one doesn't  
>  really expect the dead to return to life. Or, er, whatever this is  
>  you're doing.

  
If I figure that out, you'll be the second to know.  


> > > Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it.
> 
> > I'm sure. It's hard to get my sympathy across via this medium, but I  
>  *am* sympathetic.

  
At least you've stopped calling me a drunk and a liar.  


> > > You worked with Angel?
> 
> > Still do, yes. I tracked a demon to L.A. just after you died. I knew  
>  him in Sunnydale actually, although only briefly.

  
So you've been with him for a while then.  


> > > We'll wait until you die and then wake up inside a computer system and  
>  see how chipper you are at first.
> 
> > Again, fair enough.

  
I've never handled these kind of shocks well. Though I have to admit this  
makes waking up all green and spiney when I was 21 seem not all  
that bad.  


> > > Could see where I could be called the Seer.  
>    
>  But if you weren't trying for me, what were you trying for?
> 
> > Cordelia.

  
But... why would you call for the Seer to get Cordelia?  


> > > > > Notice you're not protesting the evil bit there. 
> 
> > > > I'm... not evil.
> 
> > > Not a lot of enthusiasm in that denial there.
> 
> > I'm neither evil nor good. More somewhere in between. I do what needs  
>  to be done.

  
Even without a body I can hear that those words are heavy with a story  
you haven't told.  


> > > Okay that brings up another question-- I now know where I am -- in a  
>  vague sort of way -- but when am I?
> 
> > It's currently the beginning of September, 2003.

  
Jesus. I've been gone for a while, haven't I?  


> > > Why? What's wrong with Cordelia?
> 
> > She's in a form of suspended animation, not unlike a coma. That is, of  
>  course, why we were attempting to return her consciousness to her.

  
What? What happened to her? Is she going to be all right?

How's Angel taking this?  


> > > Angel -- ask him if any demon's blood has turned him human lately.
> 
> > I will. I promise. Just... give me a bit of time in which to figure out  
>  the best way to bring this up. I don't want to upset him.

  
I s'pose, if he's using the computer system himself, I could just try  
and figure out how to talk to him directly...  


> > > Sounds high falooting and pretentious. Ergo -- evil lawyer.
> 
> > Well, I'm hardly about to change my name just so you'll think it  
>  sounds less like that of an evil lawyer. So you'll just have to get  
>  used to it.

  
Could be worse, I guess. You could have a "the third" stuck on the end  
of it.

Doyle

_____

To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH (Alan Francis Doyle)  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

Doyle.  


> > > > You can't just put "To: Doyle"?
> 
> > > Well, I've no idea where that will end up, do I? I'm just hitting  
>  "reply."
> 
> > So I'm at... TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH?

  
So it would appear. There, now I've added your name as well. Luckily, the email  
program seems to be taking care of the rest.  


> > > Yes, very good. They say maintaining a sense of humor in difficult  
>  times is a powerful coping mechanism.
> 
> > Seeing as that's about all I have left at the moment....

  
We'll sort it out. Don't worry. 

> > > > But yeah, I suppose I could see how this could be... unexpected.
> 
> > > That's a good enough word, I suppose. Despite past events, one doesn't  
>  really expect the dead to return to life. Or, er, whatever this is  
>  you're doing.
> 
> > If I figure that out, you'll be the second to know.

  
Really? I'm honored. 

> > > > Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it.
> 
> > > I'm sure. It's hard to get my sympathy across via this medium, but I  
>  *am* sympathetic.
> 
> > At least you've stopped calling me a drunk and a liar.

  
One would think you'd have more important things to worry about. And I never called  
you either of those things. I was merely expressing my complete and utter disbelief  
at the entire situation.  


> > > Still do, yes. I tracked a demon to L.A. just after you died. I knew  
>  him in Sunnydale actually, although only briefly.
> 
> > So you've been with him for a while then.

  
More than three years at this point. Not counting... well. A good three years.  


> > I've never handled these kind of shocks well. Though I have to admit this makes  
>  waking up all green and spiney when I was 21 seem not all that bad.

  
I can imagine. Didn't you know before then? 

> > > > Could see where I could be called the Seer.  
>    
>  But if you weren't trying for me, what were you trying for?
> 
> > > Cordelia.
> 
> > But... why would you call for the Seer to get Cordelia?

  
Because she has... had... the visions. You passed them to her just before you  
died.  


> > > I'm neither evil nor good. More somewhere in between. I do what needs  
>  to be done.
> 
> > Even without a body I can hear that those words are heavy with a story you  
>  haven't told.

  
I don't intend to start now.

No offense. It's just not something I'm going to discuss with a near-stranger.  


> > > It's currently the beginning of September, 2003.
> 
> > Jesus. I've been gone for a while, haven't I?

  
Yes. 

> > > > Why? What's wrong with Cordelia?
> 
> > > She's in a form of suspended animation, not unlike a coma. That is, of  
>  course, why we were attempting to return her consciousness to her.
> 
> > What? What happened to her? Is she going to be all right?

  
It's an extremely long story that I couldn't begin to go about telling  
you here and now. In an attempt to keep it short: The Powers That Be were  
quite possibly instrumental in passing your visions to her. Carrying them  
damaged her health. She agreed to become part demon to save her life,  
later some time on a Higher Plane, and came back carrying a child   
\-- a Higher Being, Goddess or Demon (both somewhat accurate) -- that was  
born and then attempted to take over the world.

Cordelia didn't come through the ordeal as well as one might have hoped, and she's  
been unconscious ever since. We don't know if we'll be able to get her back, but  
we won't stop trying.

I realize this is a lot to take in. I'm sorry.

> > How's Angel taking this?

  
He's upset of course. Determined to do everything he can to make things right.  
Of course. 

> > > > Angel -- ask him if any demon's blood has turned him human lately.
> 
> > > I will. I promise. Just... give me a bit of time in which to figure out  
>  the best way to bring this up. I don't want to upset him.
> 
> > I s'pose, if he's using the computer system himself, I could just try and figure  
>  out how to talk to him directly...

  
I'm going to go find him and talk to him as soon as I finish writing this. I'll  
tell him.  


> > > Well, I'm hardly about to change my name just so you'll think it  
>  sounds less like that of an evil lawyer. So you'll just have to get  
>  used to it.
> 
> > Could be worse, I guess. You could have a "the third" stuck on the end of it.

  
That would be much, much worse.

\- Wesley W-P

_____

To: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH (Alan Francis Doyle)  
From: KLREBBTSYHQUIJKOOSO

Um... Doyle?

You in there?

\- Angel

_____

To: KLREBBTSYHQUIJKOOSO (Angel)  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH 

>   
>  > Um... Doyle?  
> 

Hi.  


> > You in there?

  
Seem to be. Guess I'm a real ghost in the machine.

So... what are you doing with an evil lawfirm?

Doyle

_____

To: Alan Francis Doyle  
From: Angel  


> > > Um... Doyle?
> 
> > Hi.

Hi. 

> > > You in there?
> 
> > Seem to be. Guess I'm a real ghost in the machine.  
>    
>  So... what are you doing with an evil lawfirm?

  
  
Figures that's the first thing you'd ask.  
  
It's a long story. Seems like Wolfram and Hart has a lot more branches than just the L.A. one, but ours isn't evil. Um, now, anyway. There are a lot of resources here, and we're trying to use them to do some good. At least that's the theory.  
  
Wes told me what he thinks happened. Says he's going to find some way to get you out of there. You okay?  
  
\- Angel  
  
_____  


To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH  


> > > So I'm at... TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH?
> 
> > So it would appear. There, now I've added your name as well. Luckily, the computer program  
>  seems to be taking care of the rest.

  
Now if I can only figure out what that means, I may be a step closer in  
figuring out exactly where I am.  


> > > > Yes, very good. They say maintaining a sense of humor in difficult  
>  times is a powerful coping mechanism.
> 
> > > Seeing as that's about all I have left at the moment....
> 
> > We'll sort it out. Don't worry.

  
This is better than nothing at least.  


> > > > That's a good enough word, I suppose. Despite past events, one doesn't  
>  really expect the dead to return to life. Or, er, whatever this is  
>  you're doing.
> 
> > > If I figure that out, you'll be the second to know.
> 
> > Really? I'm honored.

  
Well not like I have a lot of people I'm talking to right now. Just you  
and Angel.  


> > > At least you've stopped calling me a drunk and a liar.
> 
> > One would think you'd have more important things to worry about. And I  
>  never called you either of those things. I was merely expressing my  
>  complete and utter disbelief at the entire situation.

  
Okay, I'll give you that you didn't actually call me a drunk and a liar, just implied it quite loudly.  


> > > > Still do, yes. I tracked a demon to L.A. just after you died. I knew  
>  him in Sunnydale actually, although only briefly.
> 
> > > So you've been with him for a while then. 
> 
> > More than three years at this point. Not counting... well. A good three  
>  years.

  
Tell me what's been happening in those three years?  


> > > I've never handled these kind of shocks well. Though I have to admit this makes  
>  waking up all green and spiney when I was 21 seem not all that bad.
> 
> > I can imagine. Didn't you know before then?

  
I hadn't a clue. Never knew my father, and my mum never told me because  
I looked human.  


> > > But... why would you call for the Seer to get Cordelia?
> 
> > Because she has... had... the visions. You passed them to her just  
>  before you died.

  
I did what?

Crap. I didn't mean... I'd never...

Christ, she must hate me.  


> > > Even without a body I can hear that those words are heavy with a story  
>  you haven't told.
> 
> > I don't intend to start now.  
>    
>  No offense. It's just not something I'm going to discuss with a  
>  near-stranger.

  
Course, I'm discussing all kinds of things that are private-like, but s'pose  
when you're dead you lose all privacy.  


> > > > It's currently the beginning of September, 2003.
> 
> > > Jesus. I've been gone for a while, haven't I?
> 
> > Yes.

  
I missed the big new millenium party. I take it the world's computers didn't  
fizzle out?

Seems like not considering where I am at the moment.  


> > It's an extremely long story that I couldn't begin to go about telling  
>  you here and now. In an attempt to keep it short: The Powers That Be  
>  were quite possibly instrumental in passing your visions to her. Carrying  
>  them damaged her health. She agreed to become part demon to save her life,  
>  later some time on a Higher Plane, and came back carrying a child  -- a  
>  Higher Being, Goddess or Demon (both somewhat accurate) -- that was  
>  born and then attempted to take over the world.  
>    
>  Cordelia didn't come through the ordeal as well as one might have  
>  hoped, and she's been unconscious ever since. We don't know if we'll be  
>  able to get her back, but we won't stop trying.  
>    
>  I realize this is a lot to take in. I'm sorry.

  
Oh my poor Princess.

I would have done anything to keep Cordelia safe. Hell, I did. I never meant...

Damn. This sucks. When you're a ghost in a machine you can't storm off  
to blow off steam.

And you can't cry.  


> > > How's Angel taking this?
> 
> > He's upset of course. Determined to do everything he can to make things  
>  right. Of course.

  
Yeah, that sounds like him. Weight of the world always on those broad shoulders.  


> > > I s'pose, if he's using the computer system himself, I could just try  
>  and figure out how to talk to him directly...
> 
> > I'm going to go find him and talk to him as soon as I finish writing  
>  this. I'll tell him.

  
He contacted me.

Thank you.  


> > > > Well, I'm hardly about to change my name just so you'll think it  
>  sounds less like that of an evil lawyer. So you'll just have to get  
>  used to it. 
> 
> > > Could be worse, I guess. You could have a "the third" stuck on the end  
>  of it.
> 
> > That would be much, much worse.

  
Yeah, then there'd be three of you. ;)

(Look. May not have a body, but I have figured out how to smile, at least.)

Doyle

_____

To: Alan Francis Doyle  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  


> > > > So I'm at... TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH?
> 
> > > So it would appear.
> 
> > Now if I can only figure out what that means, I may be a step closer in figuring  
>  out exactly where I am.

  
Honestly, I'm not sure it matters.  


> > > > Seeing as that's about all I have left at the moment....
> 
> > > We'll sort it out. Don't worry.
> 
> > This is better than nothing at least.

  
I'd suppose that would be true.  


> > > Really? I'm honored.
> 
> > Well not like I have a lot of people I'm talking to right now. Just you and  
>  Angel.

  
Oh that's right, give me a straw to grasp at and then rip it from my hands without  
warning.  


> > > One would think you'd have more important things to worry about. And I  
>  never called you either of those things. I was merely expressing my  
>  complete and utter disbelief at the entire situation.
> 
> > Okay, I'll give you that you didn't actually call me a drunk and a liar, just implied it quite loudly. 

  
Under the circumstances, I think my behavior was well within the boundaries of  
reasonable.  


> > > More than three years at this point. Not counting... well. A good three  
>  years.
> 
> > Tell me what's been happening in those three years?

  
Oh yes, that would be easy to condense into a small amount of space.

In 2000, you died, I was hired in what was basically your place, and Angel's office  
and apartment were blown to smithereens, leaving us working out of Cordelia's  
apartment.

In 2001, we acquired new office space. We learned that Darla, Angel's sire, had  
been brought back to life as a human. When Angel refused to turn her back into  
a vampire, Wolfram and Hart (yes, still evil at the time) brought Drusilla in  
to do the job instead. Angel was... rather drawn into his dark side. When we questioned  
his motives, he sacked us all. Shortly thereafter I was shot in the gut by a zombie  
policeman. Some time later we reunited with Angel, and then Cordelia got sucked  
into an interdimensional portal, which we travelled through to rescue her from  
a dimension called Pylea. When we returned, it was to learn that Buffy, Angel's...  
well, I assume you know the history there... had been killed.

In 2002... well, a great many things happened, and we're back into territory that  
I don't care to explore.

This year, Cordelia returned from her stint as a Higher Being, but without her  
memories. We didn't realize at the time that she was already pregnant -- possessed -- I'm not even certain what the most accurate word is.

And then there was a whole thing with a Beast and Angelus and Faith and Jasmine  
and the end of the world. You know how it goes.

> > > > I've never handled these kind of shocks well. Though I have to admit this makes  
>  waking up all green and spiney when I was 21 seem not all that bad.
> 
> > > I can imagine. Didn't you know before then?
> 
> > I hadn't a clue. Never knew my father, and my mum never told me because I looked  
>  human.

  
That must have been a terrible shock, yes.

Worse than this one?

> > > > But... why would you call for the Seer to get Cordelia?
> 
> > > Because she has... had... the visions. You passed them to her just  
>  before you died.
> 
> > I did what?  
>    
>  Crap. I didn't mean... I'd never...  
>    
>  Christ, she must hate me.

  
No, after the first... shock (and there's that word again) she seemed to remember  
you fondly.  


> > > No offense. It's just not something I'm going to discuss with a  
>  near-stranger.
> 
> > Course, I'm discussing all kinds of things that are private-like, but s'pose when  
>  you're dead you lose all privacy.

  
No, it's not that. It's just complicated.  


> > I missed the big new millenium party. I take it the world's computers didn't  
>  fizzle out?

  
No, not at all. 

> > Seems like not considering where I am at the moment.

  
Exactly. 

> > > It's an extremely long story that I couldn't begin to go about telling  
>  you here and now. In an attempt to keep it short: The Powers That Be  
>  were quite possibly instrumental in passing your visions to her. Carrying  
>  them damaged her health. She agreed to become part demon to save her life,  
>  later some time on a Higher Plane, and came back carrying a child  -- a Higher  
>  Being, Goddess or Demon (both somewhat accurate) -- that was born and then  
>  attempted to take over the world.  
>    
>  Cordelia didn't come through the ordeal as well as one might have  
>  hoped, and she's been unconscious ever since. We don't know if we'll be  
>  able to get her back, but we won't stop trying.  
>    
>  I realize this is a lot to take in. I'm sorry.
> 
> > Oh my poor Princess.  
>    
>  I would have done anything to keep Cordelia safe. Hell, I did. I never meant...  
>    
>  Damn. This sucks. When you're a ghost in a machine you can't storm off to blow  
>  off steam.  
>    
>  And you can't cry.

  
Again, I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.  


> > > He's upset of course. Determined to do everything he can to make things  
>  right. Of course.
> 
> > Yeah, that sounds like him. Weight of the world always on those broad shoulders.

  
Yes. He feels responsible, for a number of reasons, and as usual there's not much  
point in trying to talk him out of it.  


> > > I'm going to go find him and talk to him as soon as I finish writing  
>  this. I'll tell him.
> 
> > He contacted me.  
>    
>  Thank you.

  
Good, I'm glad. You're welcome.  


> > > > Could be worse, I guess. You could have a "the third" stuck on the end  
>  of it.
> 
> > > That would be much, much worse.
> 
> > Yeah, then there'd be three of you. ;)

  
One is more than enough, trust me. 

> > (Look. May not have a body, but I have figured out how to smile, at least.)

  
I hope it helps.

I'm doing some research now. There has to be a way to get you out of there.

\- Wesley W-P

 


	2. Chapter 2

To: KLREBBTSYHQUIJKOOSO (Angel)  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> Hi.

 

Hi yourself.

Y'know, I'm really glad to be able to talk to you again. Course, I'm really glad just to be able to talk.

But it's good to talk to a friend.

> > So... what are you doing with an evil lawfirm?

> Figures that's the first thing you'd ask.

 

It was either that or about Cordelia and I figured this was the easier of the two questions.

> It's a long story. Seems like Wolfram and Hart has a lot more branches  
than just the L.A. one, but ours isn't evil. Um, now, anyway. There are  
a lot of resources here, and we're trying to use them to do some good.  
At least that's the theory.

 

That wasn't what I meant exactly when I told you to make connections, but I guess it's as good a way as any.

So does this mean you're wearing a three piece suit and taking meetings and shit?

> Wes told me what he thinks happened. Says he's going to find some way  
to get you out of there. You okay?

 

For being a dead, disembodied consciousness in a formerly evil lawfirm's computer system, I'm great.

I'm all right, Angel. I'm dealing.

So what can you tell me about this Wesley fellow anyway?

Doyle

__________

 

To: Alan Francis Doyle  
From: Angel

> Hi yourself.

 

Yeah. I've got a stupid grin on my face. It feels wrong, somehow.

> Y'know, I'm really glad to be able to talk to you again. Course, I'm really glad  
just to be able to talk.

But it's good to talk to a friend.

 

Yeah, it is.

This is so weird.

> > > So... what are you doing with an evil lawfirm.

> > Figures that's the first thing you'd ask.

> It was either that or about Cordelia and I figured this was the easier of the  
two questions.

 

Oh.

Well that's true.

> > It's a long story. Seems like Wolfram and Hart has a lot more branches  
than just the L.A. one, but ours isn't evil. Um, now, anyway. There are  
a lot of resources here, and we're trying to use them to do some good.  
At least that's the theory.

> That wasn't what I meant exactly when I told you to make connections, but I  
guess it's as good a way as any.

So does this mean you're wearing a three piece suit and taking meetings and  
shit?

 

Suit, no. Meetings, yes, though I get out of as many of them as I can. Or make other people go to them. Which means I get to read lots of notes that don't really make a lot of sense to me, and then nod when people ask if everything's to my satisfaction.

Oh, and most of them call me "Mr." Which is just wrong.

> > Wes told me what he thinks happened. Says he's going to find some way  
to get you out of there. You okay?

> For being a dead, disembodied consciousness in a formerly evil lawfirm's  
computer system, I'm great.

I'm all right, Angel. I'm dealing.

 

Good. And don't worry, we'll figure something out.

> So what can you tell me about this Wesley fellow anyway?

 

Knew him in Sunnydale, he showed up in L.A. right after you died. Cordy and me needed the extra set of hands, so I hired him. Well, that and because he really needed a job. He was out of money, hungry... you know the kind of thing. Used to be a Watcher, if that helps you pinpoint his personality any.

He's pretty far from that now though.

Um... talk to you soon.

\- Angel

__________

 

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> > > > So I'm at... TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH?

> > > So it would appear.

> > Now if I can only figure out what that means, I may be a step closer  
in figuring out exactly where I am.

> Honestly, I'm not sure it matters.

 

It matters to me.

I may not have a body but still would like a point in space and time that can be pointed at as my actual location.

Some proof that I'm not some figment of... someone's imagination.

> > > Really? I'm honored.

> > Well not like I have a lot of people I'm talking to right now. Just  
you and Angel.

> Oh that's right, give me a straw to grasp at and then rip it from my  
hands without warning.

 

Didn't realise we were dealing with straws.

You'd still be the first person I told. I don't get the feeling Angel would be much help with computer possessions. There's nothing to hit.

> > Okay, I'll give you that you didn't actually call me a drunk and a liar,  
just implied it quite loudly.

> Under the circumstances, I think my behavior was well within the  
boundaries of reasonable.

 

You're going to keep going on about this, aren't you?

> > Tell me what's been happening in those three years?

> Oh yes, that would be easy to condense into a small amount of space.

 

Well not like I have a handle on what to ask first.

> In 2000, you died, I was hired in what was basically your place, and  
Angel's office and apartment were blown to smithereens, leaving us  
working out of Cordelia's apartment.

 

The office blew up? Damn, there really isn't anything of the old order left is there?

> In 2001, we acquired new office space. We learned that Darla, Angel's  
sire, had been brought back to life as a human. When Angel refused  
to turn her back into a vampire, Wolfram and Hart (yes, still evil at  
the time) brought Drusilla in to do the job instead. Angel was...  
rather drawn into his dark side. When we questioned his motives, he  
sacked us all. Shortly thereafter I was shot in the gut by a zombie  
policeman. Some time later we reunited with Angel, and then Cordelia  
got sucked into an interdimensional portal, which we travelled through  
to rescue her from a dimension called Pylea. When we returned, it was  
to learn that Buffy, Angel's... well, I assume you know the history there...  
had been killed.

 

Buffy's dead?

I met her once bit of a firebrand that one.

That must've hit Angel hard. She'd taken on mythic significance in his mind.

> In 2002... well, a great many things happened, and we're back into  
territory that I don't care to explore.

 

Which, being the contrary ghost that I am, means that's what I want to hear the most about.

> This year, Cordelia returned from her stint as a Higher Being, but  
without her memories. We didn't realize at the time that she was  
already pregnant -- possessed -- I'm not even certain what the most  
accurate word is.

 

Cordelia was pregnant? Do Higher Beings even *do* that?

> And then there was a whole thing with a Beast and Angelus and Faith and  
Jasmine and the end of the world. You know how it goes.

 

So the same old, same old?

Except this time you ended up with a formerly evil lawfirm.

> > I hadn't a clue. Never knew my father, and my mum never told me  
because I looked human.

> That must have been a terrible shock, yes.

 

You could see it.

> Worse than this one?

 

Yeah. Since the last thing I remember this time was dying, I was expecting something weird. Last time it was weirdness out of the blue, turning my nice happy normal life upsidedown.

> > > Because she has... had... the visions. You passed them to her just  
before you died.

> > I did what?

Crap. I didn't mean... I'd never...

Christ, she must hate me.

> No, after the first... shock (and there's that word again) she seemed  
to remember you fondly.

 

She did? Even after the vision thing?

> > > No offense. It's just not something I'm going to discuss with a  
near-stranger.

> > Course, I'm discussing all kinds of things that are private-like, but s'pose when  
you're dead you lose all privacy.

> No, it's not that. It's just complicated.

 

It's not like I don't have time to listen.

> > Oh my poor Princess.

I would have done anything to keep Cordelia safe. Hell, I did. I  
never meant...

Damn. This sucks. When you're a ghost in a machine you can't storm off  
to blow off steam.

And you can't cry.

> Again, I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

 

Tell me you've found a way of waking her up.

> > Yeah, that sounds like him. Weight of the world always on those broad  
shoulders.

> Yes. He feels responsible, for a number of reasons, and as usual  
there's not much point in trying to talk him out of it.

 

Never stopped me from trying. Sometimes you can make him give in just by sheer volume of words.

> > > I'm going to go find him and talk to him as soon as I finish writing  
this. I'll tell him.

> > He contacted me.

Thank you.

> Good, I'm glad. You're welcome.

 

He hasn't said much yet, but it's Angel. When does he say much?

> > Yeah, then there'd be three of you. ;)

> One is more than enough, trust me.

 

I think I can do that Angel does after all.

> > (Look. May not have a body, but I have figured out how to smile, at least.)

> I hope it helps.

 

I'm adusting. :-) It's amazing what you can adapt to when you don't have any choice.

> I'm doing some research now. There has to be a way to get you out of there.

 

Err... given the fact that I'm dead... if you get me out of the computer system, what happens to me?

Besides, you shouldn't be worrying about me, you should be concentrating on finding a cure for Cordelia. I'm dead. I'll keep.

Cordelia's what's important.

Doyle

____________________

 

To: Alan Francis Doyle  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

Hello Doyle.

Do you still prefer to be called by your last name?

> > > Now if I can only figure out what that means, I may be a step closer  
in figuring out exactly where I am.

> > Honestly, I'm not sure it matters.

> It matters to me.

I may not have a body but still would like a point in space and time that can be  
pointed at as my actual location.

Some proof that I'm not some figment of... someone's imagination.

 

You aren't. Well, if you are, then Angel and I are both on the same wavelength, which I find... difficult to believe at best.

> > Oh that's right, give me a straw to grasp at and then rip it from my  
hands without warning.

> Didn't realise we were dealing with straws.

 

I'm sorry, I was trying to be amusing. I should know better.

> You'd still be the first person I told. I don't get the feeling Angel would be  
much help with computer possessions. There's nothing to hit.

 

That's true, he'd probably prefer bashing his way into a stronghold of some sort over wrestling with the complexities of the computer age.

> > Under the circumstances, I think my behavior was well within the  
boundaries of reasonable.

> You're going to keep going on about this, aren't you?

 

Dropping it.

> > Oh yes, that would be easy to condense into a small amount of space.

> Well not like I have a handle on what to ask first.

 

I hope I've given you some food for thought.

> > In 2000, you died, I was hired in what was basically your place, and  
Angel's office and apartment were blown to smithereens, leaving us  
working out of Cordelia's apartment.

> The office blew up? Damn, there really isn't anything of the old order left is  
there?

 

I can assure you that it did, as I was inside it at the time.

About the old order... I really couldn't say for sure, but I suspect not.

> > In 2001, we acquired new office space. We learned that Darla, Angel's  
sire, had been brought back to life as a human. When Angel refused  
to turn her back into a vampire, Wolfram and Hart (yes, still evil at  
the time) brought Drusilla in to do the job instead. Angel was...  
rather drawn into his dark side. When we questioned his motives, he  
sacked us all. Shortly thereafter I was shot in the gut by a zombie  
policeman. Some time later we reunited with Angel, and then Cordelia  
got sucked into an interdimensional portal, which we travelled through  
to rescue her from a dimension called Pylea. When we returned, it was  
to learn that Buffy, Angel's... well, I assume you know the history there...  
had been killed.

> Buffy's dead?

 

She was. She, er, came back. So, what with Darla and Buffy, one would think that I'd have been less surprised at your return. Although of course they both came back in the more normal way, with actual bodies.

> I met her once bit of a firebrand that one.

That must've hit Angel hard. She'd taken on mythic significance in his mind.

 

It did. Very hard. He actually went to Tibet for a few months, to get some space, have some time to think. Time to... well, not get over it, but accept it, maybe.

> > In 2002... well, a great many things happened, and we're back into  
territory that I don't care to explore.

> Which, being the contrary ghost that I am, means that's what I want to hear the  
most about.

 

I don't care to explore it.

> > This year, Cordelia returned from her stint as a Higher Being, but  
without her memories. We didn't realize at the time that she was  
already pregnant -- possessed -- I'm not even certain what the most  
accurate word is.

> Cordelia was pregnant? Do Higher Beings even *do* that?

 

It was a mystical sort of thing.

She seemed -- I'm sorry, SEEMS prone to them.

> > And then there was a whole thing with a Beast and Angelus and Faith and  
Jasmine and the end of the world. You know how it goes.

> So the same old, same old?

Except this time you ended up with a formerly evil lawfirm.

 

Exactly.

> > That must have been a terrible shock, yes.

> You could see it.

> > Worse than this one?

> Yeah. Since the last thing I remember this time was dying, I was expecting something  
weird. Last time it was weirdness out of the blue, turning my nice happy normal  
life upsidedown.

 

So are you able to take any consolation at all, now, in the fact that this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I suspect I'd be rather bitter, myself.

> > > Christ, she must hate me.

> > No, after the first... shock (and there's that word again) she seemed  
to remember you fondly.

> She did? Even after the vision thing?

 

Yes. She didn't talk about you a great deal as time went on, to be perfectly honest, but I don't think she forgot you.

> > > Course, I'm discussing all kinds of things that are private-like, but s'pose  
when you're dead you lose all privacy.

> > No, it's not that. It's just complicated.

> It's not like I don't have time to listen.

 

That's true.

> > > Damn. This sucks. When you're a ghost in a machine you can't storm off  
to blow off steam.

And you can't cry.

> > Again, I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

> Tell me you've found a way of waking her up.

 

We're working on it, I assure you.

> > Yes. He feels responsible, for a number of reasons, and as usual  
there's not much point in trying to talk him out of it.

> Never stopped me from trying. Sometimes you can make him give in just by sheer  
volume of words.

 

I've tried at times as well, often with less luck than you had, I suspect.

> He hasn't said much yet, but it's Angel. When does he say much?

 

Very rarely.

> > > Yeah, then there'd be three of you. ;)

> > One is more than enough, trust me.

> I think I can do that Angel does after all.

 

I... think you're laboring under a false truth there.

> > I hope it helps.

> I'm adusting. :-) It's amazing what you can adapt to when you don't have any  
choice.

 

With any luck you won't have to wait long.

> > I'm doing some research now. There has to be a way to get you out of  
there.

> Err... given the fact that I'm dead... if you get me out of the computer system,  
what happens to me?

 

Well, when we figure out how to do it, the ideal situation would be to put you back into your body. Unless there's another you'd prefer? Brad Pitt, perhaps?

> Besides, you shouldn't be worrying about me, you should be concentrating on  
finding a cure for Cordelia. I'm dead. I'll keep.

Cordelia's what's important.

 

We haven't lost sight of that, but one of the benefits of working in a multi-billion dollar company is that we have the resources to work on both problems at the same time.

And I don't think you should keep referring to yourself as "dead." In a technical sense, you're more... disembodied. You're talking, comprehending, listening... you're not dead.

\- Wesley W-P

____________________

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> Hello Doyle.

 

Hi.

> Do you still prefer to be called by your last name?

 

Yeah. It's pretty much my identiy now.

No one calls me by my given name anymore except my ex-wife and my mum.

Well as of a few years ago; I doubt anyone is calling me much of anything anymore.

> > I may not have a body but still would like a point in space and time  
that can be pointed at as my actual location.

Some proof that I'm not some figment of... someone's imagination.

> You aren't. Well, if you are, then Angel and I are both on the same  
wavelength, which I find... difficult to believe at best.

 

Thanks for the reassurance. Still would like to know where I am exactly; it just seems like a pretty basic thing I should know.

And being nosey disembodied guy again here, but what's up with you and Angel? Did something happen during that time you don't want to discuss?

> > > Oh that's right, give me a straw to grasp at and then rip it from my  
hands without warning.

> > Didn't realise we were dealing with straws.

> I'm sorry, I was trying to be amusing. I should know better.

 

I'm still getting used to everything here. Try being amusing again, I'll try and do better.

> > You'd still be the first person I told. I don't get the feeling Angel  
would be much help with computer possessions. There's nothing to hit.

> That's true, he'd probably prefer bashing his way into a stronghold of  
some sort over wrestling with the complexities of the computer age.

 

Angel's a straightforward kind of guy.

> > > Oh yes, that would be easy to condense into a small amount of space.

> > Well not like I have a handle on what to ask first.

> I hope I've given you some food for thought.

 

It's a place to start, anyway.

Mostly though just sorta knocks home how much I've missed. It's hard to be faced with proof that the world goes on just fine without you.

Even though that was the whole point of sacrificing myself.

> > The office blew up? Damn, there really isn't anything of the old order  
left is there?

> I can assure you that it did, as I was inside it at the time.

 

Ouch. That had to hurt.

> About the old order... I really couldn't say for sure, but I suspect  
not.

 

Seems that way. Least Angel's still here. Still there. Whichever word fits. Cripes, I need a whole new vocabulary here.

> > Buffy's dead?

> She was. She, er, came back. So, what with Darla and Buffy, one would  
think that I'd have been less surprised at your return. Although of  
course they both came back in the more normal way, with actual bodies.

 

Y'know, the idea that there is a "normal way" of coming back from the dead just sorta highlights the kind of existence we're all experiencing here.

> > I met her once bit of a firebrand that one.

That must've hit Angel hard. She'd taken on mythic significance in  
his mind.

> It did. Very hard. He actually went to Tibet for a few months, to get  
some space, have some time to think. Time to... well, not get over it,  
but accept it, maybe.

 

Go off and brood in private. Yeah, that sounds like him.

> > > In 2002... well, a great many things happened, and we're back into  
territory that I don't care to explore.

> > Which, being the contrary ghost that I am, means that's what I want to  
hear the  
most about.

> I don't care to explore it.

 

That kind of leaves me with a great big black hole in my knowledge though.

I suppose I can always just ask Angel.

> > Cordelia was pregnant? Do Higher Beings even *do* that?

> It was a mystical sort of thing.

She seemed -- I'm sorry, SEEMS prone to them.

 

Mystical things? We're talking about the same Cordelia, aren't we? She always seemed to be the most down to earth about all the weird stuff happening around her. Though... working with a vampire and a half demon with visions, apartment with a ghost... guess she does seem to attract things beyond the norm after all, huh?

> > Yeah. Since the last thing I remember this time was dying, I was expecting  
something weird. Last time it was weirdness out of the blue, turning my nice  
happy normal life upsidedown.

> So are you able to take any consolation at all, now, in the fact that  
this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I suspect I'd  
be rather bitter, myself.

 

I can't be bitter about this. It was my own decision to deactivate the beacon. It saved Angel and Cordelia and the others, and it was a chance to... if not exactly make up for past mistakes, at least I didn't repeat them.

And to have an...existence beyond that... can't be anything but grateful. Even if it isn't the kind I'd have picked.

> > > No, after the first... shock (and there's that word again) she seemed  
to remember you fondly.

> > She did? Even after the vision thing?

> Yes. She didn't talk about you a great deal as time went on, to be  
perfectly honest, but I don't think she forgot you.

 

Even if she did, the migraines with pictures would be a really pointed reminder.

> > > > Course, I'm discussing all kinds of things that are private-like, but s'pose  
when you're dead you lose all privacy.

> > > No, it's not that. It's just complicated.

> > It's not like I don't have time to listen.

> That's true.

 

I've been told I'm a good listener.

> > Tell me you've found a way of waking her up.

> We're working on it, I assure you.

 

I wish there was some way I could help.

> > > Yes. He feels responsible, for a number of reasons, and as usual  
there's not much point in trying to talk him out of it.

> > Never stopped me from trying. Sometimes you can make him give in just by sheer volume of words.

> I've tried at times as well, often with less luck than you had, I  
suspect.

 

I'm what you call an endurance talker. I think sometimes he gave in just to shut me up.

> > He hasn't said much yet, but it's Angel. When does he say much?

> Very rarely.

 

When he starts talking a lot, it's rarely a good sign.

> > > One is more than enough, trust me.

> > I think I can do that Angel does after all.

> I... think you're laboring under a false truth there.

 

Angel doesn't trust you?

> > > I hope it helps.

> > I'm adusting. :-) It's amazing what you can adapt to when you don't  
have any choice.

> With any luck you won't have to wait long.

 

It's not so bad; I'm starting to feel my way around here. It's just weird, doing things without a body.

> > Err... given the fact that I'm dead... if you get me out of the  
computer system, what happens to me?

> Well, when we figure out how to do it, the ideal situation would be to  
put you back into your body. Unless there's another you'd prefer? Brad  
Pitt, perhaps?

 

I don't think my body exists any more. But.. if there was a way to get it back...

I wouldn't even complain about the occasional green spininess anymore.

> > Besides, you shouldn't be worrying about me, you should be  
concentrating on finding a cure for Cordelia. I'm dead. I'll keep.

Cordelia's what's important.

> We haven't lost sight of that, but one of the benefits of working in a  
multi-billion dollar company is that we have the resources to work on  
both problems at the same time.

 

Oh. Well as long as you're still trying to help her...

> And I don't think you should keep referring to yourself as "dead." In a  
technical sense, you're more... disembodied. You're talking,  
comprehending, listening... you're not dead.

 

I- Thanks.

Doyle

____________________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

Hello Doyle.

> > Do you still prefer to be called by your last name?

> Yeah. It's pretty much my identity now.

 

All right, good to know.

> No one calls me by my given name anymore except my ex-wife and my mum.

Well as of a few years ago; I doubt anyone is calling me much of anything  
anymore.

 

Very probably true, although I'd imagine I'm going to speak to Angel about you some more as time goes on.

> > You aren't. Well, if you are, then Angel and I are both on the same  
wavelength, which I find... difficult to believe at best.

> Thanks for the reassurance. Still would like to know where I am exactly; it just  
seems like a pretty basic thing I should know.

 

I'll sit myself down and see if I can make any sense of those letters then. I'm not convinced it's going to mean much to you, to know that you're in the back section of computer 267 or some such, but if you need to know, I'll see what I can do.

> And being nosey disembodied guy again here, but what's up with you and Angel?  
Did something happen during that time you don't want to discuss?

 

Yes.

> > I'm sorry, I was trying to be amusing. I should know better.

> I'm still getting used to everything here. Try being amusing again, I'll try and do  
better.

 

Did you hear the one about the priest and the... no, never mind, I'm no good at this sort of thing. If the urge strikes me at some point, I'll give it another shot.

> > That's true, he'd probably prefer bashing his way into a stronghold of  
some sort over wrestling with the complexities of the computer age.

> Angel's a straightforward kind of guy.

 

He is that.

> > I hope I've given you some food for thought.

> It's a place to start, anyway.

Mostly though just sorta knocks home how much I've missed. It's hard to be faced  
with proof that the world goes on just fine without you.

Even though that was the whole point of sacrificing myself.

 

You did a wonderful thing. You know that, don't you?

> > > The office blew up? Damn, there really isn't anything of the old order  
left is there?

> > I can assure you that it did, as I was inside it at the time.

> Ouch. That had to hurt.

 

Rather. Fortunately I was only in hospital for a couple of days, as I wasn't seriously injured.

> > About the old order... I really couldn't say for sure, but I suspect not.

> Seems that way. Least Angel's still here. Still there. Whichever word fits.  
Cripes, I need a whole new vocabulary here.

 

You're doing just fine.

> > She was. She, er, came back. So, what with Darla and Buffy, one would  
think that I'd have been less surprised at your return. Although of  
course they both came back in the more normal way, with actual bodies.

> Y'know, the idea that there is a "normal way" of coming back from the dead just  
sorta highlights the kind of existence we're all experiencing here.

 

I couldn't agree more.

> > It did. Very hard. He actually went to Tibet for a few months, to get  
some space, have some time to think. Time to... well, not get over it,  
but accept it, maybe.

> Go off and brood in private. Yeah, that sounds like him.

 

I think we all reminded him a bit too much of one of the main reasons why he'd been seeking redemption -- for Buffy -- and he needed to be away from us.

> > I don't care to explore it.

> That kind of leaves me with a great big black hole in my knowledge though.

I suppose I can always just ask Angel.

 

Yes, you can.

> > > Cordelia was pregnant? Do Higher Beings even *do* that?

> > It was a mystical sort of thing.

She seemed -- I'm sorry, SEEMS prone to them.

> Mystical things? We're talking about the same Cordelia, aren't we? She always  
seemed to be the most down to earth about all the weird stuff happening around  
her. Though... working with a vampire and a half demon with visions, apartment  
with a ghost... guess she does seem to attract things beyond the norm after all,  
huh?

 

No, I meant mystical pregnancies in particular. Although you wouldn't know that, would you. Well, to protect her privacy, let's leave it at "Cordelia has experienced more than one mystical pregnancy, though she never came to term." When we get her back, she can tell you herself, or not, as she wishes.

> > So are you able to take any consolation at all, now, in the fact that  
this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I suspect I'd  
be rather bitter, myself.

> I can't be bitter about this. It was my own decision to deactivate the beacon.  
It saved Angel and Cordelia and the others, and it was a chance to... if not  
exactly make up for past mistakes, at least I didn't repeat them.

And to have an...existence beyond that... can't be anything but grateful. Even  
if it isn't the kind I'd have picked.

 

You don't have any faith in me at all, do you. We're going to find a solution to this problem, I assure you.

> > Yes. She didn't talk about you a great deal as time went on, to be  
perfectly honest, but I don't think she forgot you.

> Even if she did, the migraines with pictures would be a really pointed reminder.

 

True enough.

> > > It's not like I don't have time to listen.

> > That's true.

> I've been told I'm a good listener.

 

I... I can't. It's not that I don't... I just can't.

> > We're working on it, I assure you.

> I wish there was some way I could help.

 

If I can figure out a way for you to, I'll let you know.

> > I've tried at times as well, often with less luck than you had, I  
suspect.

> I'm what you call an endurance talker. I think sometimes he gave in just to shut  
me up.

 

I can see that.

> > > He hasn't said much yet, but it's Angel. When does he say much?

> > Very rarely.

> When he starts talking a lot, it's rarely a good sign.

 

Having not had the questionable pleasure of hearing him talk a lot, I'll take your word for it.

> > > I think I can do that Angel does after all.

> > I... think you're laboring under a false truth there.

> Angel doesn't trust you?

 

I don't think he does, not entirely, no.

> > With any luck you won't have to wait long.

> It's not so bad; I'm starting to feel my way around here. It's just weird, doing  
things without a body.

 

You can't see anything?

What can you feel?

> > Well, when we figure out how to do it, the ideal situation would be to  
put you back into your body. Unless there's another you'd prefer? Brad  
Pitt, perhaps?

> I don't think my body exists any more. But.. if there was a way to get it  
back...

I wouldn't even complain about the occasional green spininess anymore.

 

I've no doubt that there's a way to get it back. Bringing people back from the dead is about more than corpses and freshly dug grave soil and candles, you know.

Darla was dust before she was brought back with magic by, I remind you, Wolfram and Hart. Not that I'd advocate the methods they used, but if there's a will...

> > > Cordelia's what's important.

> > We haven't lost sight of that, but one of the benefits of working in a  
multi-billion dollar company is that we have the resources to work on  
both problems at the same time.

> Oh. Well as long as you're still trying to help her...

 

Of course we are.

> > And I don't think you should keep referring to yourself as "dead." In a  
technical sense, you're more... disembodied. You're talking,  
comprehending, listening... you're not dead.

> I- Thanks.

 

You're welcome.

\- Wesley W-P

__________

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> > Hi yourself.

> Yeah. I've got a stupid grin on my face. It feels wrong, somehow.

 

That's because you don't smile enough. If talking to me helps make you grin, I'll talk to you until...

Well I was going to say 'until I lose my voice' but being sans body, that's not really a problem at the moment.

Guess I can talk indefinitely.

> > Y'know, I'm really glad to be able to talk to you again. Course, I'm  
really glad just to be able to talk.

But it's good to talk to a friend.

> Yeah, it is.

 

You have more friends than me to talk to, I hope.

> This is so weird.

 

Yeah, it is. I might've known how to use computers fine, but I never inspired to become one.

> > It was either that or about Cordelia and I figured this was the easier  
of the two questions.

> Oh.

Well that's true.

 

I need to know about Cordelia too, Angel.

Whenever you feel like you can talk about it.

> > So does this mean you're wearing a three piece suit and taking  
meetings and shit?

> Suit, no. Meetings, yes, though I get out of as many of them as I can.  
Or make other people go to them. Which means I get to read lots of  
notes that don't really make a lot of sense to me, and then nod when  
people ask if everything's to my satisfaction.

 

Sounds like a whole barrel of laughs.

So what exactly are you doing with the formerly evil lawfirm? Bit more complicated of an operation than the old days at A.I.

> Oh, and most of them call me "Mr." Which is just wrong.

 

"Mr. Angel."

Yeah, you're right. You're just not the mister type.

"Sir" maybe. But not "Mr."

> > I'm all right, Angel. I'm dealing.

> Good. And don't worry, we'll figure something out.

 

I know you will.

But I bet you're wishing that involved hitting something, aren't you?

> > So what can you tell me about this Wesley fellow anyway?

> Knew him in Sunnydale, he showed up in L.A. right after you died. Cordy  
and me needed the extra set of hands, so I hired him. Well, that and  
because he really needed a job. He was out of money, hungry... you know  
the kind of thing. Used to be a Watcher, if that helps you pinpoint his  
personality any.

 

Good, good. Reaching out, connecting.

Gold star behaviour.

> He's pretty far from that now though.

 

Do you trust him?

> Um... talk to you soon.

 

Anytime you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I don't seem to be sleeping or anything anymore, so literally anytime.

Doyle

__________

To: Alan Francis Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > Yeah. I've got a stupid grin on my face. It feels wrong, somehow.

> That's because you don't smile enough. If talking to me helps make you grin,  
I'll talk to you until...

Well I was going to say 'until I lose my voice' but being sans body, that's not  
really a problem at the moment.

Guess I can talk indefinitely.

 

Good. I wouldn't mind. *Really* wouldn't mind hearing the sound of your voice, but I think that's gonna have to wait a few days until Wes and Lorne and the appropriate department figure out how to bring you back.

But yeah, talk all you want.

> > > But it's good to talk to a friend.

> > Yeah, it is.

> You have more friends than me to talk to, I hope.

 

Yeah... and no.

> > This is so weird.

> Yeah, it is. I might've known how to use computers fine, but I never inspired to  
become one.

 

You're not, you're just in there. Having a little vacation. We'll have you back to work soon enough, so maybe you should enjoy the rest while you can.

> > Oh.

Well that's true.

> I need to know about Cordelia too, Angel.

Whenever you feel like you can talk about it.

 

I don't know what you want me to say.

I failed her, you know? Let her get taken away from us, on the night we should have...

I was going to tell her I had feelings for her. You know? And I got thrown into the ocean, and she went up and became a Higher Being, or so they said. And when she came back she wasn't even herself anymore.

Now she's not possessed anymore, but she's... lost. I don't know how to get her back.

> > Suit, no. Meetings, yes, though I get out of as many of them as I can.  
Or make other people go to them. Which means I get to read lots of  
notes that don't really make a lot of sense to me, and then nod when  
people ask if everything's to my satisfaction. 

> Sounds like a whole barrel of laughs.

 

Yeah, that's what it is. Hear me laughing?

> So what exactly are you doing with the formerly evil lawfirm? Bit more  
complicated of an operation than the old days at A.I.

 

Not really that different from the old days at A.I. Except for the office and the equipment, and the psychics. Oh, and Files and Records, and Fred's heading up this whole science division. I don't even know what they do, actually. Sometimes she tries to tell me, but it mostly involves a lot more nodding.

But anyway, we're doing the same thing, just on a bigger scale.

Okay, much bigger scale.

Oh, and I have twelve cars.

> "Mr. Angel."

Yeah, you're right. You're just not the mister type.

"Sir" maybe. But not "Mr."

 

Don't remember you calling me "Sir."

> > Good. And don't worry, we'll figure something out.

> I know you will.

But I bet you're wishing that involved hitting something, aren't you?

 

Jeez. You know me too well.

Anything in there in the computer I could hit? Or would that be one of those things I shouldn't do?

> > > So what can you tell me about this Wesley fellow anyway?

> > Knew him in Sunnydale, he showed up in L.A. right after you died. Cordy  
and me needed the extra set of hands, so I hired him. Well, that and  
because he really needed a job. He was out of money, hungry... you know  
the kind of thing. Used to be a Watcher, if that helps you pinpoint his  
personality any. 

> Good, good. Reaching out, connecting.

Gold star behaviour.

 

Thanks. I knew you'd be pleased.

> > He's pretty far from that now though.

> Do you trust him?

 

Do I...?

That's a complicated question.

With some things, I guess I do.

But then, maybe if you need to say "I guess with some things," the answer's no, huh?

There's... a lot of history.

> > Um... talk to you soon.

> Anytime you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I don't seem to be sleeping or  
anything anymore, so literally anytime.

 

I don't do a lot of sleeping myself. Too bad there's not some way to hook my brain into this thing, so that we could talk without so much typing. Don't think I'm gonna get that Lincoln tunnel syndrome thing, but sometimes my eyes start to kind of cross. Plus it takes forever.

You still okay?

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

> Hello Doyle.

 

Hi yourself.

Wesley. Wes? Pryce? Which do you prefer?

> > > Do you still prefer to be called by your last name?

> > Yeah. It's pretty much my identity now.

> All right, good to know.

 

Francis was someone else someone who wasn't half demon.

> Very probably true, although I'd imagine I'm going to speak to Angel  
about you some more as time goes on.

 

Good. The speaking to Angel part I mean. I get the feeling he's been trying to isolate himself again this time in a big corporation instead of a dark basement apartment.

> I'll sit myself down and see if I can make any sense of those letters  
then. I'm not convinced it's going to mean much to you, to know that  
you're in the back section of computer 267 or some such, but if you  
need to know, I'll see what I can do.

 

Thanks. I think I'm going to start exploring, but I don't want to go too far until I know where I am. So if I get lost at least I'll know where I want to get back to.

> > And being nosey disembodied guy again here, but what's up with you and  
Angel? Did something happen during that time you don't want to discuss?

> Yes.

 

And if I asked what that was, the answer would be...?

> Did you hear the one about the priest and the... no, never mind, I'm no  
good at this sort of thing. If the urge strikes me at some point, I'll  
give it another shot.

 

No hurry. I'm not going anywhere. Least not anywhere I can't get back from. :)

> > > That's true, he'd probably prefer bashing his way into a stronghold of  
some sort over wrestling with the complexities of the computer age.

> > Angel's a straightforward kind of guy.

> He is that.

 

He's been asking if there was a computer he could hit. Might want to keep him away from any machines that you think I might actually be in. Just to be on the safe side.

Just in case he gets impulsive.

> > Even though that was the whole point of sacrificing myself.

> You did a wonderful thing. You know that, don't you?

 

It had to be done.

But yeah. I do.

If ya gotta go out, that's the way to do it saving the people that are most important to you.

> The office blew up? Damn, there really isn't anything of the old  
order left is there?

> > > I can assure you that it did, as I was inside it at the time.

> > Ouch. That had to hurt.

> Rather. Fortunately I was only in hospital for a couple of days, as I  
wasn't seriously injured.

 

I'm glad to hear it.

You've seemed to have had a rough time of it -- blown up, shot by zombies...

> > Seems that way. Least Angel's still here. Still there. Whichever word  
fits. Cripes, I need a whole new vocabulary here.

> You're doing just fine.

 

Thanks. Guess the vocabulary will have to be improvised as needed.

> > Y'know, the idea that there is a "normal way" of coming back from the  
dead just sorta highlights the kind of existence we're all experiencing here.

> I couldn't agree more.

 

Life was so much simpler when all I had to worry about was some student bringing a snake or something for show and tell.

Life was so much simpler when I was alive, come to that.

> > Go off and brood in private. Yeah, that sounds like him.

> I think we all reminded him a bit too much of one of the main reasons  
why he'd been seeking redemption -- for Buffy -- and he needed to be away from us.

 

Harder than you know. He had a chance and...

Well, he's given up more than you know for Buffy.

> > That kind of leaves me with a great big black hole in my knowledge though.

I suppose I can always just ask Angel.

> Yes, you can.

 

All right, I will.

> No, I meant mystical pregnancies in particular. Although you wouldn't  
know that, would you. Well, to protect her privacy, let's leave it at  
"Cordelia has experienced more than one mystical pregnancy, though she  
never came to term." When we get her back, she can tell you herself, or  
not, as she wishes.

 

Talking with Cordelia... now there's something to look forward to.

Wonder if she'd still honour the date we'd set up before I died.

> > I can't be bitter about this. It was my own decision to deactivate  
the beacon. It saved Angel and Cordelia and the others, and it was a chance to...  
if not exactly make up for past mistakes, at least I didn't repeat them.

And to have an...existence beyond that... can't be anything but  
grateful. Even if it isn't the kind I'd have picked.

> You don't have any faith in me at all, do you. We're going to find a  
solution to this problem, I assure you.

 

Now don't go putting words in my mouth. I never said I don't believe you'll find a solution. Just that I'm grateful for any kind of existence I have now, and that the form of my current existence isn't something I would have chosen. Or thought of.

For the record, I've no reason to doubt your word when you say you'll get me out.

> > Even if she did, the migraines with pictures would be a really pointed  
reminder.

> True enough.

 

I think I would've preferred leaving her with a puppy named Doyle or something.

> It's not like I don't have time to listen.

> > > That's true.

> > I've been told I'm a good listener.

> I... I can't. It's not that I don't... I just can't.

 

All right. Never let it be said that I keep prying when I'm not wanted.

But the offer stands.

> > I wish there was some way I could help.

> If I can figure out a way for you to, I'll let you know.

 

Thanks. Not sure what I could do from here, but...

> > > I've tried at times as well, often with less luck than you had, I  
suspect.

> > I'm what you call an endurance talker. I think sometimes he gave in  
just to shut me up.

> I can see that.

 

You haven't seen me at my best. Get myself around a single malt whiskey or five and I could talk all night about anything.

Whether anybody else in the vincinity was talking about the same thing is beside the point.

> > > > He hasn't said much yet, but it's Angel. When does he say much?

> > > Very rarely.

> > When he starts talking a lot, it's rarely a good sign.

> Having not had the questionable pleasure of hearing him talk a lot,  
I'll take your word for it.

 

Yeah, usually he lets his actions speak for him.

> > Angel doesn't trust you?

> I don't think he does, not entirely, no.

 

Why?

> > It's not so bad; I'm starting to feel my way around here. It's just  
weird, doing things without a body.

> You can't see anything?

 

It's been changing the longer I'm here, the more I interact. I see the words you write, but it's more like they're in my mind than in front of my face. If that makes sense?

> What can you feel?

 

It feels like I'm sitting...somewhere. But I can't feel my body. Or see it for that matter.

I was trying to speak when I sent that first message. So it seems like my intentions get translated into something computerlike.

I'm starting to experiment with 'reaching out' and maybe 'standing' and 'walking'. I'll let you know the results.

> > I don't think my body exists any more. But.. if there was a way to get  
it back...

I wouldn't even complain about the occasional green spininess anymore.

> I've no doubt that there's a way to get it back. Bringing people back  
from the dead is about more than corpses and freshly dug grave soil and  
candles, you know. 

 

Well that's good. Considering I didn't leave a corpse. Or a grave.

> Darla was dust before she was brought back with magic by, I remind you,  
Wolfram and Hart. Not that I'd advocate the methods they used, but if  
there's a will...

 

Maybe something along the same lines but less evil?

Doyle

__________

 

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

> Hi yourself.

Wesley. Wes? Pryce? Which do you prefer?

 

Hello Doyle.

I've been using Pryce professionally for some time, but it's not necessary under these circumstances. Wesley will do for now.

> > All right, good to know.

> Francis was someone else someone who wasn't half demon.

 

I completely understand the need to separate oneself from the past.

> > Very probably true, although I'd imagine I'm going to speak to Angel  
about you some more as time goes on.

> Good. The speaking to Angel part I mean. I get the feeling he's been trying to  
isolate himself again this time in a big corporation instead of a dark  
basement apartment.

 

I suppose that's true, although I hadn't really given it a great deal of thought.

I've been doing more than a bit of that myself, now that I think of it.

> > I'll sit myself down and see if I can make any sense of those letters  
then. I'm not convinced it's going to mean much to you, to know that  
you're in the back section of computer 267 or some such, but if you  
need to know, I'll see what I can do.

> Thanks. I think I'm going to start exploring, but I don't want to go too far  
until I know where I am. So if I get lost at least I'll know where I want to get  
back to.

 

I've done a bit of investigating and haven't come up with anything yet, but I will.

Don't go too far, I don't want to lose you in there.

> > > And being nosey disembodied guy again here, but what's up with you and  
Angel? Did something happen during that time you don't want to discuss?

> > Yes.

> And if I asked what that was, the answer would be...?

 

We had a falling out. It would be extremely complicated and lengthy to explain.

> > Did you hear the one about the priest and the... no, never mind, I'm no  
good at this sort of thing. If the urge strikes me at some point, I'll  
give it another shot.

> No hurry. I'm not going anywhere. Least not anywhere I can't get back from. :)

 

We'll hope that's true.

> He's been asking if there was a computer he could hit. Might want to keep him  
away from any machines that you think I might actually be in. Just to be on the  
safe side.

Just in case he gets impulsive.

 

I'll make sure I point that out to him, although I'm quite certain he wasn't being serious, whatever he said.

On the other hand, as you say, he does tend toward rash behaviour at times.

> > You did a wonderful thing. You know that, don't you?

> It had to be done.

But yeah. I do.

If ya gotta go out, that's the way to do it saving the people that are most  
important to you.

 

Yes.

> > Rather. Fortunately I was only in hospital for a couple of days, as I  
wasn't seriously injured.

> I'm glad to hear it.

 

Thank you. I've had far worse.

> You've seemed to have had a rough time of it -- blown up, shot by zombies...

 

You've no idea.

> Thanks. Guess the vocabulary will have to be improvised as needed.

 

And hopefully it won't be long before it's not an issue.

> Life was so much simpler when all I had to worry about was some student bringing  
a snake or something for show and tell.

 

Show and tell?

> Life was so much simpler when I was alive, come to that.

 

Well, yes, that would rather come with the territory.

> > I think we all reminded him a bit too much of one of the main reasons why  
he'd been seeking redemption -- for Buffy -- and he needed to be away from us.

> Harder than you know. He had a chance and...

Well, he's given up more than you know for Buffy.

 

I sense a story there.

> > > I suppose I can always just ask Angel.

> > Yes, you can.

> All right, I will. 

 

Just remember that I really don't care to discuss it.

> > No, I meant mystical pregnancies in particular. Although you wouldn't  
know that, would you. Well, to protect her privacy, let's leave it at  
"Cordelia has experienced more than one mystical pregnancy, though she  
never came to term." When we get her back, she can tell you herself, or  
not, as she wishes.

> Talking with Cordelia... now there's something to look forward to.

Wonder if she'd still honour the date we'd set up before I died.

 

I'd imagine she would.

> > You don't have any faith in me at all, do you. We're going to find a  
solution to this problem, I assure you.

> Now don't go putting words in my mouth. I never said I don't believe you'll  
find a solution. Just that I'm grateful for any kind of existence I have now,  
and that the form of my current existence isn't something I would have chosen.  
Or thought of.

For the record, I've no reason to doubt your word when you say you'll get me  
out.

 

I really wasn't offended. Well, only the tiniest bit, perhaps. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I'm completely serious about this. It's not some idle promise.

> I think I would've preferred leaving her with a puppy named Doyle or something.

 

I don't think she's very fond of dogs.

> > > I've been told I'm a good listener.

> > I... I can't. It's not that I don't... I just can't.

> All right. Never let it be said that I keep prying when I'm not wanted.

But the offer stands.

 

I do appreciate it, and I don't think that I'll be changing my mind.

> > If I can figure out a way for you to, I'll let you know.

> Thanks. Not sure what I could do from here, but... 

 

Again, you shouldn't be in there long enough for it to become an issue.

> > > I'm what you call an endurance talker. I think sometimes he gave in  
just to shut me up.

> > I can see that.

> You haven't seen me at my best. Get myself around a single malt whiskey or five  
and I could talk all night about anything.

 

Perhaps we can do that some night, once you're out of there. I wouldn't mind listening to you talk.

> Whether anybody else in the vincinity was talking about the same thing is  
beside the point.

 

Ah, endurance AND the ability to shut others out. Powerful tools.

> > Having not had the questionable pleasure of hearing him talk a lot,  
I'll take your word for it.

> Yeah, usually he lets his actions speak for him.

 

And his actions are generally more than sufficient to get his point across.

> > > Angel doesn't trust you?

> > I don't think he does, not entirely, no.

> Why?

 

The aforementioned falling out, for the most part.

I went behind his back to in an attempt to protect him; he ended up feeling betrayed.

> > You can't see anything?

> It's been changing the longer I'm here, the more I interact. I see the words you  
write, but it's more like they're in my mind than in front of my face. If that  
makes sense?

 

Like some form of telepathy perhaps.

> > What can you feel?

> It feels like I'm sitting...somewhere. But I can't feel my body. Or see it for  
that matter.

I was trying to speak when I sent that first message. So it seems like my  
intentions get translated into something computerlike.

I'm starting to experiment with 'reaching out' and maybe 'standing' and  
'walking'. I'll let you know the results.

 

Do that, please. It could help.

> > I've no doubt that there's a way to get it back. Bringing people back  
from the dead is about more than corpses and freshly dug grave soil and  
candles, you know.

> Well that's good. Considering I didn't leave a corpse. Or a grave.

 

Exactly.

> > Darla was dust before she was brought back with magic by, I remind you,  
Wolfram and Hart. Not that I'd advocate the methods they used, but if  
there's a will...

> Maybe something along the same lines but less evil?

 

That was what I was picturing, yes.

Is there anyone you'd like me to get a message to? I could go and tell Cordelia that you're here? There's no reason to believe that she hears us and, considering the mystical origin of her coma, there's also no reason to think that she's actually in there, but... I could.

\- Wesley

____

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel

:-) > > Yeah. I've got a stupid grin on my face. It feels wrong, somehow. 

> > That's because you don't smile enough. If talking to me helps make you  
grin, I'll talk to you until...

Well I was going to say 'until I lose my voice' but being sans body,  
that's not really a problem at the moment.

Guess I can talk indefinitely.

> Good. I wouldn't mind. *Really* wouldn't mind hearing the sound of your  
voice, but I think that's gonna have to wait a few days until Wes and  
Lorne and the appropriate department figure out how to bring you back.

 

A few days? I was thinking more in the line of weeks. Or months. You must have a lot of faith in this Wes of yours.

Who's Lorne?

> But yeah, talk all you want.

 

You may be sorry you asked that. ;-)

(That was a winking grin by the way. I'm not sure how much of this kind of stuff you know.)

> > You have more friends than me to talk to, I hope.

> Yeah... and no.

 

Okay that was... all encompassing. You want to expand on that?

> > > This is so weird.

> > Yeah, it is. I might've known how to use computers fine, but I never  
inspired to become one.

> You're not, you're just in there. Having a little vacation. We'll have  
you back to work soon enough, so maybe you should enjoy the rest while  
you can.

 

Next time I have a vacation can it be somewhere warm and tropical? With scantily clad women feeding me and hanging on my every word?

Or at least somewhere a little less.... computery.

> > I need to know about Cordelia too, Angel.

Whenever you feel like you can talk about it.

> I don't know what you want me to say.

 

Whatever you feel that you can.

> I failed her, you know? Let her get taken away from us, on the night we  
should have...

I was going to tell her I had feelings for her. You know? And I got  
thrown into the ocean, and she went up and became a Higher Being, or so  
they said. And when she came back she wasn't even herself anymore.

 

You and Cordelia?

Wow. Didn't see that coming.

Not that I blame you; Cordelia is something special.

Guess this means when I get back I shouldn't be counting on her keeping that date with me then, huh?

> Now she's not possessed anymore, but she's... lost. I don't know how to  
get her back.

 

Wesley said there were people working on that.

We'll get her back, Angel.

Hell, you got *me* back and I was a lot further gone than she is.

> > > Suit, no. Meetings, yes, though I get out of as many of them as I can.  
Or make other people go to them. Which means I get to read lots of  
notes that don't really make a lot of sense to me, and then nod when  
people ask if everything's to my satisfaction.

> > Sounds like a whole barrel of laughs.

> Yeah, that's what it is. Hear me laughing?

 

Don't laugh. You laughing tends to be scary.

> Not really that different from the old days at A.I. Except for the  
office and the equipment, and the psychics. Oh, and Files and Records,  
and Fred's heading up this whole science division. I don't even know  
what they do, actually. Sometimes she tries to tell me, but it mostly  
involves a lot more nodding.

 

Who's Fred?

> But anyway, we're doing the same thing, just on a bigger scale.

Okay, much bigger scale.

 

Think big as a motto, huh?

> Oh, and I have twelve cars.

 

Aha, now the truth comes out -- the really important thing is the wheels.

Do you still have the old convertible?

> > "Mr. Angel."

Yeah, you're right. You're just not the mister type.

"Sir" maybe. But not "Mr."

> Don't remember you calling me "Sir."

 

That's because I'm incorrigible.

> > But I bet you're wishing that involved hitting something, aren't you?

> Jeez. You know me too well.

 

I do my best.

> Anything in there in the computer I could hit? Or would that be one of  
those things I shouldn't do?

 

Err, considering we haven't figured out exactly where I am, hitting computers may be bad. Not sure what would happen to me if you break the system I'm in.

> > Good, good. Reaching out, connecting.

Gold star behaviour.

> Thanks. I knew you'd be pleased.

 

It's proof that you're never too old to learn. ;-)

> > Do you trust him?

> Do I...?

That's a complicated question.

With some things, I guess I do.

But then, maybe if you need to say "I guess with some things," the  
answer's no, huh?

There's... a lot of history.

 

You want to share some of that history?

I take it this has to do with what happened a couple of years ago? Wesley has been pretty forthcoming about what's happened since I've been gone, except for 2002.

> > > Um... talk to you soon.

> > Anytime you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I don't seem to be  
sleeping or anything anymore, so literally anytime.

> I don't do a lot of sleeping myself. Too bad there's not some way to  
hook my brain into this thing, so that we could talk without so much  
typing. Don't think I'm gonna get that Lincoln tunnel syndrome thing,  
but sometimes my eyes start to kind of cross. Plus it takes forever.

 

Yeah, I'd love to be able to sit across a table and see your face while we talk. But slow or not, this is better than nothing, right?

Why aren't you sleeping?

> You still okay?

 

I'm doing fine, really.

Though I'm starting to wonder if I should be asking you if you're okay...

Are you?

Doyle


	3. Chapter 3

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

> Hi Angel

:-) > > Guess I can talk indefinitely.

> > Good. I wouldn't mind. *Really* wouldn't mind hearing the sound of your  
voice, but I think that's gonna have to wait a few days until Wes and  
Lorne and the appropriate department figure out how to bring you back.

> A few days? I was thinking more in the line of weeks. Or months. You must have a  
lot of faith in this Wes of yours.

 

There are a lot of people working on it. A *lot.* I'll bet it'll be a week, tops.

Maybe it's not fair to get your hopes up though, in case it takes longer, huh?

Can you tell that time's passing?

> Who's Lorne?

 

Anagogic demon, reads people when they sing. From Pylea.

> > But yeah, talk all you want.

> You may be sorry you asked that. ;-)

(That was a winking grin by the way. I'm not sure how much of this kind of stuff  
you know.)

 

Don't know if I would have figured that one out. I think Lorne got his and my share of the ability to read people, singing or no singing.

Still haven't changed my mind though. Talk to me as much as you want to.

> > > You have more friends than me to talk to, I hope.

> > Yeah... and no.

> Okay that was... all encompassing. You want to expand on that?

 

I've got friends, just... since last year when things went bad, it's been different. Stuff with Wes, then with Cordy. They were the two people I could really talk to, you know? I mean, there are a few other people, but it's not the same.

I'm glad you're back.

> > You're not, you're just in there. Having a little vacation. We'll have  
you back to work soon enough, so maybe you should enjoy the rest while  
you can.

> Next time I have a vacation can it be somewhere warm and tropical? With scantily  
clad women feeding me and hanging on my every word?

 

Sure. Once things settle down, we'll send you off wherever you want to go. But if you want warm and tropical, it'll have to be without me. Sunshine and vampires aren't such a good mix, remember?

> Or at least somewhere a little less.... computery.

 

Gotcha. No problem.

I'd kind of think anywhere would be less computery than where you are now though.

> > > I need to know about Cordelia too, Angel.

Whenever you feel like you can talk about it.

> > I don't know what you want me to say.

> Whatever you feel that you can.

 

I don't want to say any of it. I don't want to THINK about it, you know?

> > I failed her, you know? Let her get taken away from us, on the night we  
should have...

I was going to tell her I had feelings for her. You know? And I got  
thrown into the ocean, and she went up and became a Higher Being, or so  
they said. And when she came back she wasn't even herself anymore.

> You and Cordelia?

Wow. Didn't see that coming.

Not that I blame you; Cordelia is something special.

Guess this means when I get back I shouldn't be counting on her keeping that  
date with me then, huh?

 

Um, not necessarily. Turns out she was under some major influence for a while there. No way to know what of it was her and what of it was... other stuff. Plus even if that HAD been her, I don't know if she would have...

Anyway, it was a long time ago now. Lot of stuff's happened in between.

She'd be better off with someone like you anyway.

> > Now she's not possessed anymore, but she's... lost. I don't know how to  
get her back.

> Wesley said there were people working on that.

We'll get her back, Angel.

Hell, you got *me* back and I was a lot further gone than she is.

 

God, I just... need to be able to do something. This job is too much sitting and paperwork and not enough fighting and legwork.

Not that we aren't doing a lot more good from here, don't get me wrong.

> > > Sounds like a whole barrel of laughs.

> > Yeah, that's what it is. Hear me laughing?

> Don't laugh. You laughing tends to be scary.

 

Oh sorry. Didn't know you were so easily frightened off.

> > Not really that different from the old days at A.I. Except for the  
office and the equipment, and the psychics. Oh, and Files and Records,  
and Fred's heading up this whole science division. I don't even know  
what they do, actually. Sometimes she tries to tell me, but it mostly  
involves a lot more nodding.

> Who's Fred?

 

Girl that we brought back from Pylea when we went to rescue Cordy.

Um, there was this whole interdimensional portal thing, and we had to go after her. But it all turned out fine. Yeah.

> > But anyway, we're doing the same thing, just on a bigger scale.

Okay, much bigger scale.

> Think big as a motto, huh?

 

Works for me.

> > Oh, and I have twelve cars.

> Aha, now the truth comes out -- the really important thing is the wheels.

Do you still have the old convertible?

 

Of course. Even took it to Pylea with us. Although I don't drive it as much it's nice to have the sun-proof cars during the day.

> > > "Sir" maybe. But not "Mr."

> > Don't remember you calling me "Sir."

> That's because I'm incorrigible.

 

Oh is that what they're calling it these days?

> > > But I bet you're wishing that involved hitting something, aren't you?

> > Jeez. You know me too well.

> I do my best.

 

Your best is a lot.

I'm saving up my yelling at you about the Beacon thing until you're back in the flesh and I can get my hands on you.

> > Anything in there in the computer I could hit? Or would that be one of  
those things I shouldn't do?

> Err, considering we haven't figured out exactly where I am, hitting computers  
may be bad. Not sure what would happen to me if you break the system I'm in.

 

Right. Don't touch the computers.

Wes just called me and told me the same thing. You two working in stereo, that's something.

> > > Gold star behaviour.

> > Thanks. I knew you'd be pleased.

> It's proof that you're never too old to learn. ;-)

 

Fuck you. (grinning)

> > > Do you trust him?

> > Do I...?

That's a complicated question.

With some things, I guess I do.

But then, maybe if you need to say "I guess with some things," the  
answer's no, huh?

There's... a lot of history.

> You want to share some of that history?

I take it this has to do with what happened a couple of years ago? Wesley has  
been pretty forthcoming about what's happened since I've been gone, except for 2002.

 

Yeah, he would be.

I'll... give me a little time to think about this, okay? I want to tell you, I just need to think it over and make sure it's the right thing to do, because there are a lot of people involved.

Let me ask you this -- if I told you something, and told you you couldn't tell it to anyone  
else, ever... could you keep that kind of a secret? Even from Cordy?

> > I don't do a lot of sleeping myself. Too bad there's not some way to  
hook my brain into this thing, so that we could talk without so much  
typing. Don't think I'm gonna get that Lincoln tunnel syndrome thing,  
but sometimes my eyes start to kind of cross. Plus it takes forever.

> Yeah, I'd love to be able to sit across a table and see your face while we talk.  
But slow or not, this is better than nothing, right?

 

Oh yeah, don't get me wrong. I'll take Lincoln tunnel any day over not having you around.

> Why aren't you sleeping?

 

Lots of reasons, but mainly that thing I have to decide whether I can tell you or not.

> > You still okay?

> I'm doing fine, really.

Though I'm starting to wonder if I should be asking you if you're okay...

Are you?

 

Yeah.

Well, no.

But I'm hanging in there. Get up every day, get dressed, come to work. Fight the good fight.

It's just all kind of empty.

\- Angel

__________

 

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Wesley :-)

> I've been using Pryce professionally for some time, but it's not  
necessary under these circumstances. Wesley will do for now. 

 

Wesley it is.

> I completely understand the need to separate oneself from the past.

 

Angel said you used to be a Watcher?

> > Good. The speaking to Angel part I mean. I get the feeling he's been trying to  
isolate himself again this time in a big corporation instead of a dark basement apartment.

> I suppose that's true, although I hadn't really given it a great deal  
of thought.

 

He's good at brooding and hiding. It seems like he’s gotten even better since last I saw him.

> I've been doing more than a bit of that myself, now that I think of it.

 

I don't know you very well yet, but I've gotta tell ya, that's not a good thing for anybody to do.

> > Thanks. I think I'm going to start exploring, but I don't want to go  
too far until I know where I am. So if I get lost at least I'll know where I  
want to get back to.

> I've done a bit of investigating and haven't come up with anything yet,  
but I will.

 

I know you will. :-)

> Don't go too far, I don't want to lose you in there.

 

Thanks. I'm being careful. But this... it's pretty fascinating once you start stretching out.

> We had a falling out. It would be extremely complicated and lengthy to  
explain.

 

A falling out that's still having fallout? Something you can't put behind you?

> > No hurry. I'm not going anywhere. Least not anywhere I can't get back from. :)

> We'll hope that's true.

 

I came back from the dead. After that, anything else sorta pales in significance.

> > He's been asking if there was a computer he could hit. Might want to keep him  
away from any machines that you think I might actually be in. Just to be on the safe side.

Just in case he gets impulsive.

> I'll make sure I point that out to him, although I'm quite certain he  
wasn't being serious, whatever he said.

 

He probably wasn't serious, but I'm sure he hoped I would tell him to have at it anyway.

> On the other hand, as you say, he does tend toward rash behaviour at  
times.

 

Ya noticed that too, huh?

> > If ya gotta go out, that's the way to do it saving the people that  
are most important to you.

> Yes.

 

Or, y'know, dying of old age asleep in bed. I think I'll see if I can try that next time.

> > > Rather. Fortunately I was only in hospital for a couple of days, as I  
wasn't seriously injured.

> > I'm glad to hear it.

> Thank you. I've had far worse.

 

Hope you have good health insurance.

> > You've seemed to have had a rough time of it -- blown up, shot by zombies...

> You've no idea. 

 

Tell me?

> > Thanks. Guess the vocabulary will have to be improvised as needed.

> And hopefully it won't be long before it's not an issue.

 

Yeah.

> > Life was so much simpler when all I had to worry about was some  
student bringing a snake or something for show and tell.

> Show and tell?

 

I used to teach third grade. Show and tell was a big thing -- the kids would bring in stuff and well, show them and tell the class about them.

There's always a few kids who would bring in the grossest or scariest thing they could find. To make all the girls in the class scream.

> > Life was so much simpler when I was alive, come to that.

> Well, yes, that would rather come with the territory.

 

Living is a good starting point for pretty much anything.

> > Harder than you know. He had a chance and...

Well, he's given up more than you know for Buffy.

> I sense a story there.

 

Yes. I... Let me check with Angel if he minds if I share.

> > > > I suppose I can always just ask Angel.

> > > Yes, you can.

> > All right, I will.

> Just remember that I really don't care to discuss it.

 

Hey, you've made that perfectly clear, man.

But you remember that I'm here to listen if you change your mind.

> > Talking with Cordelia... now there's something to look forward to.

Wonder if she'd still honour the date we'd set up before I died.

> I'd imagine she would.

 

Let's get her awake and then we'll see. I don't want to count my dates before they're hatched. Or something like that. She may have moved on to... other, better, pastures.

> > For the record, I've no reason to doubt your word when you say  
you'll get me out.

> I really wasn't offended. Well, only the tiniest bit, perhaps. I just  
wanted to make sure that you knew that I'm completely serious about  
this. It's not some idle promise.

 

Thank you. I do know that. Feels good to have people working to get me all the way back.

> > I think I would've preferred leaving her with a puppy named Doyle or  
something.

> I don't think she's very fond of dogs.

 

Stuffed dog then. Or stuffed... do they make stuffed Brachens?

> > All right. Never let it be said that I keep prying when I'm not wanted.

But the offer stands.

> I do appreciate it, and I don't think that I'll be changing my mind.

 

Ya never know what the future is going to bring.

> > > If I can figure out a way for you to, I'll let you know.

> > Thanks. Not sure what I could do from here, but...

> Again, you shouldn't be in there long enough for it to become an issue.

 

I'm beginning to believe that. :-)

> > You haven't seen me at my best. Get myself around a single malt  
whiskey or five and I could talk all night about anything.

> Perhaps we can do that some night, once you're out of there. I wouldn't  
mind listening to you talk.

 

It's the Irish brogue, gets them every time. ;)

But seriously, I'd like that. A lot, I think.

> > Whether anybody else in the vincinity was talking about the same thing is  
beside the point.

> Ah, endurance AND the ability to shut others out. Powerful tools.

 

I'm nothing if not powerful.

Then again technically I *am* nothing now so... take that as you will.

> > > Having not had the questionable pleasure of hearing him talk a lot,  
I'll take your word for it.

> > Yeah, usually he lets his actions speak for him.

> And his actions are generally more than sufficient to get his point  
across.

 

Yeah. Not much subtlety about Angel.

> > > > Angel doesn't trust you?

> > > I don't think he does, not entirely, no.

> > Why?

> The aforementioned falling out, for the most part.

I went behind his back to in an attempt to protect him; he ended up  
feeling betrayed.

 

And he can't let that go?

Or you can't?

> > > You can't see anything?

> > It's been changing the longer I'm here, the more I interact. I see the words you  
write, but it's more like they're in my mind than in front of my face. If that  
makes sense?

> Like some form of telepathy perhaps.

 

Well, telepathic mail maybe; I don't hear voices, just see the words.

> > It feels like I'm sitting...somewhere. But I can't feel my body. Or  
see it for that matter.

I was trying to speak when I sent that first message. So it seems like my  
intentions get translated into something computerlike.

I'm starting to experiment with 'reaching out' and maybe 'standing' and  
'walking'. I'll let you know the results.

> Do that, please. It could help.

 

I... moving isn't so much like walking in here as it is stretching out for impossibly long distances.

I think I found the security systems -- suddenly was seeing a lobby with people coming and going. I'm going to explore some more.

> Is there anyone you'd like me to get a message to? I could go and tell  
Cordelia that you're here? There's no reason to believe that she hears us and,  
considering the mystical origin of her coma, there's also no  
reason to think that she's actually in there, but... I could.

 

I... I'd like that a lot. She could be there, could be able to hear. If she could.. well, it would be nice if she knew I was back. And thinking of her.

Doyle

__________

 

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

Hello Doyle.

> > I completely understand the need to separate oneself from the past. 

> Angel said you used to be a Watcher?

 

Yes, that's true. I was Buffy's Watcher for a brief time in Sunnydale, just before Angel came to L.A.

> > > Good. The speaking to Angel part I mean. I get the feeling he's been trying to  
isolate himself again this time in a big corporation instead of a dark basement apartment.

> > I suppose that's true, although I hadn't really given it a great deal  
of thought.

> He's good at brooding and hiding. It seems like he’s gotten even better since  
last I saw him.

 

That's probably true as well. There was a time when I would have said differently, but now...

> > I've been doing more than a bit of that myself, now that I think of it.

> I don't know you very well yet, but I've gotta tell ya, that's not a good thing for anybody to do.

 

Possibly not. It's unfortunate, in that case, that sometimes there don't seem to be a lot of other options.

> > > Thanks. I think I'm going to start exploring, but I don't want to go too far  
until I know where I am. So if I get lost at least I'll know where I want to get back to.

> > I've done a bit of investigating and haven't come up with anything yet, but I will.

> I know you will. :-)

 

I think I've narrowed it down some. The difficulty is that there isn't a "mainframe" computer here. It's possible that you're "in" the computer closest to where the spell was done, but I'm not entirely certain which one that is, and the letters still aren't providing any meaningful direction.

> > Don't go too far, I don't want to lose you in there.

> Thanks. I'm being careful. But this... it's pretty fascinating once you start  
stretching out.

 

I really can't even begin to imagine.

It *does* sound like a fascinating experience.

> > We had a falling out. It would be extremely complicated and lengthy to explain.

> A falling out that's still having fallout? Something you can't put behind you?

 

Yes. He can't forgive me, and I can't totally blame him for that.

> > > No hurry. I'm not going anywhere. Least not anywhere I can't get back from. :)

> > We'll hope that's true.

> I came back from the dead. After that, anything else sorta pales in  
significance.

 

All right, I can agree with that.

> > > He's been asking if there was a computer he could hit. Might want to  
keep him away from any machines that you think I might actually be in. Just to  
be on the safe side.

Just in case he gets impulsive.

> > I'll make sure I point that out to him, although I'm quite certain he  
wasn't being serious, whatever he said.

> He probably wasn't serious, but I'm sure he hoped I would tell him to have at it  
anyway.

 

That could be true.

It's all right, there's a fully equipped gym here in the building, he can redirect his impulsiveness and frustration there.

> > On the other hand, as you say, he does tend toward rash behaviour at times.

> Ya noticed that too, huh?

 

It would be hard to miss.

> > > If ya gotta go out, that's the way to do it saving the people that  
are most important to you.

> > Yes.

> Or, y'know, dying of old age asleep in bed. I think I'll see if I can try that  
next time.

 

We'll do our best to make sure you have the opportunity.

What *is* the life span of a half-Brachen?

 

> > > > Rather. Fortunately I was only in hospital for a couple of days, as I  
wasn't seriously injured.

> > > I'm glad to hear it.

> > Thank you. I've had far worse.

> Hope you have good health insurance.

 

For the most part it hasn't been an issue, thankfully.

> > > You've seemed to have had a rough time of it -- blown up, shot by zombies...

> > You've no idea.

> Tell me?

 

I had my throat cut about a year and a half ago. That was no picnic, I'll tell you.

But I'm fine now.

> > > Life was so much simpler when all I had to worry about was some  
student bringing a snake or something for show and tell.

> > Show and tell?

> I used to teach third grade. Show and tell was a big thing -- the kids would  
bring in stuff and well, show them and tell the class about them.

There's always a few kids who would bring in the grossest or scariest thing they  
could find. To make all the girls in the class scream.

 

The thought of you teaching schoolchildren is a bit disturbing. I don't mean that in a negative way exactly, just... you don't seem the type. I'm sure you were very good at it.

> > Well, yes, that would rather come with the territory.

> Living is a good starting point for pretty much anything.

 

Except a career as a vampire, perhaps.

> > > Harder than you know. He had a chance and...

Well, he's given up more than you know for Buffy.

> > I sense a story there.

> Yes. I... Let me check with Angel if he minds if I share.

 

Fair enough.

> > Just remember that I really don't care to discuss it.

> Hey, you've made that perfectly clear, man.

But you remember that I'm here to listen if you change your mind.

 

All right.

Thank you.

> > > Wonder if she'd still honour the date we'd set up before I died.

> > I'd imagine she would. 

> Let's get her awake and then we'll see. I don't want to count my dates before  
they're hatched. Or something like that. She may have moved on to... other,  
better, pastures.

 

She hasn't been in a position to explore any pastures for some time, unfortunately.

> > I really wasn't offended. Well, only the tiniest bit, perhaps. I just  
wanted to make sure that you knew that I'm completely serious about  
this. It's not some idle promise.

> Thank you. I do know that. Feels good to have people working to get me all the  
way back.

 

We are.

> > > I think I would've preferred leaving her with a puppy named Doyle or something.

> > I don't think she's very fond of dogs.

> Stuffed dog then. Or stuffed... do they make stuffed Brachens?

 

I think not. At least, I've never seen one.

> > > All right. Never let it be said that I keep prying when I'm not wanted.

But the offer stands.

> > I do appreciate it, and I don't think that I'll be changing my mind.

> Ya never know what the future is going to bring.

 

That's true.

> > Again, you shouldn't be in there long enough for it to become an issue.

> I'm beginning to believe that. :-)

 

Good.

> > > You haven't seen me at my best. Get myself around a single malt  
whiskey or five and I could talk all night about anything.

> > Perhaps we can do that some night, once you're out of there. I wouldn't  
mind listening to you talk.

> It's the Irish brogue, gets them every time. ;)

But seriously, I'd like that. A lot, I think.

 

I know some good places for quiet drinking. Er, not too quiet, you understand. But where one could have a conversation easily enough, if that were something one wanted to do while drinking.

> > Ah, endurance AND the ability to shut others out. Powerful tools.

> I'm nothing if not powerful.

Then again technically I *am* nothing now so... take that as you will.

 

Don't say things like that, even in jest. You're alive, you're here. You're just a bit separate at the moment, for a brief period of time.

> > And his actions are generally more than sufficient to get his point  
across.

> Yeah. Not much subtlety about Angel.

 

No, that's quite true.

> > > Why?

> > The aforementioned falling out, for the most part.

I went behind his back to in an attempt to protect him; he ended up  
feeling betrayed.

> And he can't let that go?

Or you can't?

 

A bit of both, I think. He can't see my point of view, and I can see his all too well.

> > > It's been changing the longer I'm here, the more I interact. I see the words you  
write, but it's more like they're in my mind than in front of my face. If that  
makes sense?

> > Like some form of telepathy perhaps.

> Well, telepathic mail maybe; I don't hear voices, just see the words.

 

When you first became aware it must have seemed like some bizarre sort of dream.

> > > I'm starting to experiment with 'reaching out' and maybe 'standing' and  
'walking'. I'll let you know the results.

> > Do that, please. It could help.

> I... moving isn't so much like walking in here as it is stretching out for  
impossibly long distances.

I think I found the security systems -- suddenly was seeing a lobby with people  
coming and going. I'm going to explore some more.

 

Interesting. And you could actually SEE them?

> > Is there anyone you'd like me to get a message to? I could go and tell  
Cordelia that you're here? There's no reason to believe that she hears us and,  
considering the mystical origin of her coma, there's also no  
reason to think that she's actually in there, but... I could.

> I... I'd like that a lot. She could be there, could be able to hear. If she  
could.. well, it would be nice if she knew I was back. And thinking of her.

 

I went and sat with her for a bit, told her what's going on.

I like to think that she heard me.

That's probably a sentimental fool's hope, of course.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel

:-)

> I'm not going to make one of those, and you can't make me.

 

Aw, come on. Just one little grin? It only takes three keys; two if you don't give yourself a nose. You can even do one with fangs: :-[

Granted, not as much of a smile, but fangs.

Not sure how you'd do your hair though.

> Grinning anyway, though.

 

Glad to hear that. :-)

> > A few days? I was thinking more in the line of weeks. Or months. You must  
have a lot of faith in this Wes of yours.

> There are a lot of people working on it. A *lot.* I'll bet it'll be a week, tops.

 

You think that much of me huh? How many is a lot?

> Maybe it's not fair to get your hopes up though, in case it takes  
longer, huh?

 

Ah, what's a few hopes raised and possibly dashed between friends? If it takes longer I'll cope. It's... not that bad in here.

> Can you tell that time's passing?

 

Some, but it's not like I'm sitting and checking my watch every five minutes.

> > Who's Lorne?

> Anagogic demon, reads people when they sing. From Pylea.

 

Does he have a karaoke bar? Cause he sounds like the Host of this place I went to a few times called Caritas.

> > > But yeah, talk all you want.

> > You may be sorry you asked that. ;-)

(That was a winking grin by the way. I'm not sure how much of this kind of stuff  
you know.)

> Don't know if I would have figured that one out. I think Lorne got his  
and my share of the ability to read people, singing or no singing. 

 

You can read people; you just keep getting out of practice what with all the brooding and hiding in the dark. Or the beauracracy, which seems to be the thing these days.

> Still haven't changed my mind though. Talk to me as much as you want to.

 

That's going to be a lot, Angel. I've years of not talking to make up for.

> I've got friends, just... since last year when things went bad, it's  
been different. Stuff with Wes, then with Cordy. They were the two  
people I could really talk to, you know? I mean, there are a few other  
people, but it's not the same.

 

You can talk to me, you know that right? About anything.

> I'm glad you're back.

 

So am I. :-)

> > Next time I have a vacation can it be somewhere warm and tropical?  
With scantily clad women feeding me and hanging on my every word?

> Sure. Once things settle down, we'll send you off wherever you want to  
go. But if you want warm and tropical, it'll have to be without me.  
Sunshine and vampires aren't such a good mix, remember?

 

Funny that. They have nights where it's warm and tropical too.

> > Or at least somewhere a little less.... computery.

> Gotcha. No problem.

I'd kind of think anywhere would be less computery than where you are  
now though.

 

Yeah, that's pretty much the truth.

> I need to know about Cordelia too, Angel.

Whenever you feel like you can talk about it.

> > > I don't know what you want me to say.

> > Whatever you feel that you can.

> I don't want to say any of it. I don't want to THINK about it, you know? 

 

Yeah. But sounds to me like you're not having much luck with that. The not thinking about it I mean.

> > Wow. Didn't see that coming.

Not that I blame you; Cordelia is something special.

Guess this means when I get back I shouldn't be counting on her  
keeping that date with me then, huh?

> Um, not necessarily. Turns out she was under some major influence for a  
while there. No way to know what of it was her and what of it was...  
other stuff. Plus even if that HAD been her, I don't know if she would  
have...

 

She would have. I mean, it's *you*, Angel. Of course she would have.

> Anyway, it was a long time ago now. Lot of stuff's happened in between.

She'd be better off with someone like you anyway.

 

I think that would be up to her. And don't sell yourself short. Pretty much any woman faced with you and me is going to choose you.

> > Wesley said there were people working on that.

We'll get her back, Angel.

Hell, you got *me* back and I was a lot further gone than she is.

> God, I just... need to be able to do something. This job is too much  
sitting and paperwork and not enough fighting and legwork.

 

Yeah, sounds like you need to burn off some nerves. Isn't there anything you could assign yourself that involves hitting things that aren't the computers around here?

> Not that we aren't doing a lot more good from here, don't get me wrong.

 

I know you are you're you. You're going to do as much good as you can wherever you are.

> > > > Sounds like a whole barrel of laughs.

> > > Yeah, that's what it is. Hear me laughing?

> > Don't laugh. You laughing tends to be scary. 

> Oh sorry. Didn't know you were so easily frightened off.

 

Nope, you don't get rid of me that easily.

> > Who's Fred?

> Girl that we brought back from Pylea when we went to rescue Cordy.

Um, there was this whole interdimensional portal thing, and we had to  
go after her. But it all turned out fine. Yeah.

 

You've had a busy couple of years haven't you?

> > Do you still have the old convertible?

> Of course. Even took it to Pylea with us. Although I don't drive it as  
much it's nice to have the sun-proof cars during the day.

 

Sun proof cars? What cars with no glass?

> > > > "Sir" maybe. But not "Mr."

> > > Don't remember you calling me "Sir."

> > That's because I'm incorrigible.

> Oh is that what they're calling it these days?

 

What would you call it?

> > I do my best.

> Your best is a lot.

 

Thanks.

> I'm saving up my yelling at you about the Beacon thing until you're  
back in the flesh and I can get my hands on you.

 

What, because I sacrificed myself before you could sacrifice yourself? You do remember that you were about to do what I did before I stopped you, right?

So yelling at me for doing it is going to be kind of hypocritical, don't you think?

I apologise for hitting you though.

> > Err, considering we haven't figured out exactly where I am, hitting  
computers may be bad. Not sure what would happen to me if you break  
the system I'm in.

> Right. Don't touch the computers.

 

Well, aside from talking to me. Then you can touch them. Just not hit them.

> Wes just called me and told me the same thing. You two working in  
stereo, that's something.

 

Just covering the bases. :) Wesley seems to be an okay guy.

> > > > Gold star behaviour.

> > > Thanks. I knew you'd be pleased.

> > It's proof that you're never too old to learn. ;-)

> Fuck you. (grinning)

 

:-p > > There's... a lot of history.

> > You want to share some of that history?

I take it this has to do with what happened a couple of years ago?  
Wesley has been pretty forthcoming about what's happened since I've  
been gone, except for 2002.

> Yeah, he would be.

I'll... give me a little time to think about this, okay? I want to tell  
you, I just need to think it over and make sure it's the right thing to  
do, because there are a lot of people involved.

 

All right. I can wait. Not like I have someplace urgent to be or anything.

> Let me ask you this -- if I told you something, and told you you  
couldn't tell it to anyone else, ever... could you keep that kind of a  
secret? Even from Cordy?

 

Of course. You can trust me, Angel. You know that.

Speaking of... can I tell Wesley about the day that didn't happen? The one where you turned human? I won't if you don't want me to, but it's come up obliquely and...

> > Yeah, I'd love to be able to sit across a table and see your face  
while we talk. But slow or not, this is better than nothing, right?

> Oh yeah, don't get me wrong. I'll take Lincoln tunnel any day over not  
having you around.

 

That's actually carpal tunnel, you know.

And... I might have found something to help with seeing your face. I'll let ya know.

> > Why aren't you sleeping?

> Lots of reasons, but mainly that thing I have to decide whether I can  
tell you or not.

 

Not trying to pressure you here, but it sounds like you have something you're carrying that would help to talk about. If you can't talk to me, talk to someone, okay?

> > Though I'm starting to wonder if I should be asking you if you're okay...

Are you?

> Yeah.

Well, no.

But I'm hanging in there. Get up every day, get dressed, come to work.  
Fight the good fight.

It's just all kind of empty.

 

Okay, now I *am* going to pressure you. I need you to tell me what's got you so... empty to use your word. That's not right. You shouldn't be feeling like that and I want to do whatever I can to help. Though about all I can do right now is talk and listen so...

I'm listening.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > I'm not going to make one of those, and you can't make me.

> Aw, come on. Just one little grin? It only takes three keys; two if you don't  
give yourself a nose. You can even do one with fangs: :-[

 

I said no. Nope, not even one.

> Granted, not as much of a smile, but fangs.

Not sure how you'd do your hair though.

 

Hey! Should I be offended?

> > Grinning anyway, though.

> Glad to hear that. :-)

 

Yeah. It feels really weird, but not bad.

> > There are a lot of people working on it. A *lot.* I'll bet it'll be a  
week, tops.

> You think that much of me huh? How many is a lot?

 

Well, I didn't take an exact count, but I bet it's a couple of dozen easy.

> > Maybe it's not fair to get your hopes up though, in case it takes  
longer, huh?

> Ah, what's a few hopes raised and possibly dashed between friends? If it takes  
longer I'll cope. It's... not that bad in here.

 

Good.

> > Can you tell that time's passing?

> Some, but it's not like I'm sitting and checking my watch every five minutes. 

 

I don't even have a watch.

Oh. Guess you don't either.

I'd promise not to look at a clock you know, as a show of solidarity but then I'd miss some vital meeting and everything would fall apart. Not really, but that's the idea you get. Every piece is an important part in the machinery, blah blah blah.

And Fred gets to play around up there figuring out how to make a microwave run on M&Ms or something. Again, not really, although every time I see her she's got a pack of those things in her hand. It might be a taco replacement, come to think of it.

Oh. Sorry if I keep making references to stuff you don't know about, I just kind of forget. When we first brought Fred back from Pylea, she had a taco thing going on.

 

> > > Who's Lorne?

> > Anagogic demon, reads people when they sing. From Pylea.

> Does he have a karaoke bar? Cause he sounds like the Host of this place I went  
to a few times called Caritas.

 

Hey! Yeah, that's him. What'd'ya know.

Small world.

> > Don't know if I would have figured that one out. I think Lorne got his  
and my share of the ability to read people, singing or no singing.

> You can read people; you just keep getting out of practice what with all the  
brooding and hiding in the dark. Or the beauracracy, which seems to be the thing  
these days.

 

Tell me about it.

> > Still haven't changed my mind though. Talk to me as much as you want to.

> That's going to be a lot, Angel. I've years of not talking to make up for.

 

Hey, I probably do too. More than you.

> > I've got friends, just... since last year when things went bad, it's  
been different. Stuff with Wes, then with Cordy. They were the two  
people I could really talk to, you know? I mean, there are a few other  
people, but it's not the same.

> You can talk to me, you know that right? About anything.

 

Yeah, I know.

Thanks.

> > Sure. Once things settle down, we'll send you off wherever you want to  
go. But if you want warm and tropical, it'll have to be without me.  
Sunshine and vampires aren't such a good mix, remember?

> Funny that. They have nights where it's warm and tropical too.

 

Yeah, but you don't want to be stuck keeping me company, sitting on the beach at night. You want to sit in the sun, soak up some rays, check out all the hot girls in bikinis.

> > I don't want to say any of it. I don't want to THINK about it, you know?

> Yeah. But sounds to me like you're not having much luck with that. The not  
thinking about it I mean.

 

I guess not.

> > Um, not necessarily. Turns out she was under some major influence for a  
while there. No way to know what of it was her and what of it was...  
other stuff. Plus even if that HAD been her, I don't know if she would  
have...

> She would have. I mean, it's *you*, Angel. Of course she would have.

 

No guarantees.

> > Anyway, it was a long time ago now. Lot of stuff's happened in between.

She'd be better off with someone like you anyway.

> I think that would be up to her. And don't sell yourself short. Pretty much any  
woman faced with you and me is going to choose you.

 

Um... Doyle? You do remember that you're ALIVE, right? Even inside the computer you're more alive than I'll ever be. People want, you know, other people who actually breathe and eat food and stuff. Not vampires.

I was probably just trying to fool myself the whole time.

> > God, I just... need to be able to do something. This job is too much  
sitting and paperwork and not enough fighting and legwork.

> Yeah, sounds like you need to burn off some nerves. Isn't there anything you  
could assign yourself that involves hitting things that aren't the computers  
around here?

 

Oh, I do. Hit things and stuff, I mean. Just not as much as I used to. Trained teams are more efficient, better equipped to handle demon fighting, fill in the next line with your own corporation catch phrase.

> > Not that we aren't doing a lot more good from here, don't get me wrong.

> I know you are you're you. You're going to do as much good as you can  
wherever you are.

 

I do what I can. Too bad it never feels like enough, you know?

> > Oh sorry. Didn't know you were so easily frightened off.

> Nope, you don't get rid of me that easily.

 

Good.

> > > Who's Fred?

> > Girl that we brought back from Pylea when we went to rescue Cordy.

Um, there was this whole interdimensional portal thing, and we had to  
go after her. But it all turned out fine. Yeah.

> You've had a busy couple of years haven't you?

 

You have no idea. Unless Wes... nope. You have no idea.

> > > Do you still have the old convertible?

> > Of course. Even took it to Pylea with us. Although I don't drive it as  
much it's nice to have the sun-proof cars during the day.

> Sun proof cars? What cars with no glass? 

 

Nope, necro-tempered. Glass, I mean. Vampire dust-proof. Got it in the office building too -- means people can have their shades open and I can walk around without showering everyone with vampire confetti. It's a good deal.

Cars are in an underground lot. I can go places without worrying about the whole sun thing, if I want to.

> > Oh is that what they're calling it these days?

> What would you call it?

 

Nah, I guess incorrigible works pretty well.

> > > I do my best.

> > Your best is a lot.

> Thanks.

 

No, thank you.

> > I'm saving up my yelling at you about the Beacon thing until you're  
back in the flesh and I can get my hands on you.

> What, because I sacrificed myself before you could sacrifice yourself? You do  
remember that you were about to do what I did before I stopped you, right?

So yelling at me for doing it is going to be kind of hypocritical, don't you think?

 

Don't care, I'm gonna do it anyway. It was my job, not yours. Life or death situation, vampire takes the line of fire. Just the way it is.

> I apologise for hitting you though.

 

Sucker punch.

> > Right. Don't touch the computers.

> Well, aside from talking to me. Then you can touch them. Just not hit them.

 

Right. Don't hit the computers.

> > Wes just called me and told me the same thing. You two working in  
stereo, that's something.

> Just covering the bases. :) Wesley seems to be an okay guy.

 

Yeah, he is.

> > Fuck you. (grinning)

> :-p > I'll... give me a little time to think about this, okay? I want to tell  
you, I just need to think it over and make sure it's the right thing to  
do, because there are a lot of people involved.

> All right. I can wait. Not like I have someplace urgent to be or anything.

 

Yeah. I mean, thanks.

> > Let me ask you this -- if I told you something, and told you you  
couldn't tell it to anyone else, ever... could you keep that kind of a  
secret? Even from Cordy?

> Of course. You can trust me, Angel. You know that.

 

Oh, I know if you say you will, you will. It's not that I don't trust you. More that it's kind of big, and I don't want you feeling bad about it later.

When I agreed to take over W&H, it was on a couple of conditions, and one of them was that everyone who knew about Connor would have him sort of... magically wiped from their minds. To protect him, you know?

Connor's my son. I had a son. With Darla.

I know, wild, huh? But he's gone now, doesn't remember me anymore. Has a whole new normal family and stuff.

It's better this way.

But Wesley doesn't remember, has a whole bunch of false memories in his head about that time. Also, supposedly, an inclination not to want to talk about them. I think it's some kind of failsafe, make it less likely for people to be able to look at those memories and examine them too closely.

 

> Speaking of... can I tell Wesley about the day that didn't happen? The one where  
you turned human? I won't if you don't want me to, but it's come up obliquely  
and...

 

It's okay. Tell him if you want to. Not like it matters much now.

> > Oh yeah, don't get me wrong. I'll take Lincoln tunnel any day over not  
having you around.

> That's actually carpal tunnel, you know.

 

Oh, right. I thought there was something wrong about that.

> And... I might have found something to help with seeing your face. I'll let ya  
know.

 

Seriously?

> > Lots of reasons, but mainly that thing I have to decide whether I can  
tell you or not.

> Not trying to pressure you here, but it sounds like you have something you're  
carrying that would help to talk about. If you can't talk to me, talk to  
someone, okay?

 

I'm talking to you.

Not too good at it though, I know that.

> > > Though I'm starting to wonder if I should be asking you if you're  
okay...

Are you?

> > Yeah.

Well, no.

But I'm hanging in there. Get up every day, get dressed, come to work.  
Fight the good fight.

It's just all kind of empty. 

> Okay, now I *am* going to pressure you. I need you to tell me what's got you  
so... empty to use your word. That's not right. You shouldn't be feeling like  
that and I want to do whatever I can to help. Though about all I can do right  
now is talk and listen so...

I'm listening.

 

The empty thing is Connor and Cordy mostly. And Connor AND Cordy. It's a really long story and I think I've done as much talking for now as I can though, so can it wait until next time?

Thanks, Doyle. I'm really glad you're back.

\- Angel


	4. Chapter 4

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Wesley:

> > > I completely understand the need to separate oneself from the past.

> > Angel said you used to be a Watcher?

> Yes, that's true. I was Buffy's Watcher for a brief time in Sunnydale,  
just before Angel came to L.A.

 

So you've been a teacher too.

> > He's good at brooding and hiding. It seems like he’s gotten even better since last I saw him.

> That's probably true as well. There was a time when I would have said  
differently, but now...

 

There was a time when he didn't care enough to try and hide that he was brooding; now he's got people he doesn't want worrying about him (or lecturing him, just as like) so he hides it.

> > I don't know you very well yet, but I've gotta tell ya, that's not a good  
thing for anybody to do.

> Possibly not. It's unfortunate, in that case, that sometimes there  
don't seem to be a lot of other options.

 

Yeah, I can get that. Been times in my life where I was all about avoiding people and drinking myself into a daily stupor.

I recommend finding a different way to get out of that sorta funk than I was subjected to.

> > > I've done a bit of investigating and haven't come up with anything yet, but I will.

> > I know you will. :-)

> I think I've narrowed it down some. The difficulty is that there isn't  
a "mainframe" computer here. It's possible that you're "in" the  
computer closest to where the spell was done, but I'm not entirely  
certain which one that is, and the letters still aren't providing any  
meaningful direction. 

 

Don't know if it'll help but I didn't have to "stretch" too far to reach the security feeds.

> > Thanks. I'm being careful. But this... it's pretty fascinating once  
you start stretching out.

> I really can't even begin to imagine.

It *does* sound like a fascinating experience.

 

Think maybe someone would want to make it into a movie or something? Tron II -- the real story?

Nah, probably not.

> > > We had a falling out. It would be extremely complicated and lengthy to  
explain.

> > A falling out that's still having fallout? Something you can't put  
behind you?

> Yes. He can't forgive me, and I can't totally blame him for that.

 

Do you know he can't forgive you? Or are you just assuming based on amount of broodage?

> > He probably wasn't serious, but I'm sure he hoped I would tell him to  
have at it anyway.

> That could be true.

It's all right, there's a fully equipped gym here in the building, he  
can redirect his impulsiveness and frustration there.

 

If you could find some forces of evil he could pound on for a bit, I'm sure that would help a lot.

> > > On the other hand, as you say, he does tend toward rash behaviour at  
times.

> > Ya noticed that too, huh?

> It would be hard to miss.

 

Part of his charm.

> > Or, y'know, dying of old age asleep in bed. I think I'll see if I can  
try that next time.

> We'll do our best to make sure you have the opportunity.

 

Thanks :-)

> What *is* the life span of a half-Brachen?

 

I'm assuming it's about the same as a full human. From what I've read, a full Brachen demons' life span is similar to a human's.

Not like I've met any other half-Brachens I could ask.

> > > > You've seemed to have had a rough time of it blown up, shot by zombies...

> > > You've no idea.

> > Tell me?

> I had my throat cut about a year and a half ago. That was no picnic,  
I'll tell you.

 

Geez, born under a wounded star were you?

> But I'm fine now.

 

Good.

> The thought of you teaching schoolchildren is a bit disturbing. I don't  
mean that in a negative way exactly, just... you don't seem the type.  
I'm sure you were very good at it.

 

It was a different lifetime. Pre demon.

Though... there was a certain similarity in dealing with a bunch of 8 year olds and dealing with a certain souled vampire.

> > Living is a good starting point for pretty much anything.

> Except a career as a vampire, perhaps.

 

There is that. Though you have to be living to be turned into a vampire so...

> > > > Well, he's given up more than you know for Buffy.

> > > I sense a story there.

> > Yes. I... Let me check with Angel if he minds if I share.

> Fair enough.

 

He said it was fine so...

Back when I was alive, I had a vision about Buffy in trouble; this was around American Thanksgiving. Angel went to Sunnydale to make sure she was safe and  
helped but stayed in the shadows. Buffy found out about it regardless and came to LA to tell him off about it.

What I remember is she came, they yelled at each other for a bit, a Mohra demon dove through the window, and Angel killed it, and Buffy left.

But apparently that was only take two. Take one, the demon got away and Buffy and Angel hunted it down in the sewers. Angel killed it, but got some of its  
blood mixed with his.

It turned him human.

He and Buffy... well, Angel never went into details, but I've got a very active and creative imagination. Suffice to say they got together. So pretty he'd just be  
handed everything he ever wanted, right?

But Angel, when he realised he couldn't fight, he decided he couldn't keep it. He went to the Oracles and had them turn back the clock one day.

And the man wonders why I wouldn't let him sacrifice himself with the Beacon. He's a genuine bonifide hero, that one.

> > Let's get her awake and then we'll see. I don't want to count my dates  
before they're hatched. Or something like that. She may have moved on to...  
other, better, pastures.

> She hasn't been in a position to explore any pastures for some time,  
unfortunately.

 

Not even Angel?

> > > > I think I would've preferred leaving her with a puppy named Doyle or  
something.

> > > I don't think she's very fond of dogs. 

> > Stuffed dog then. Or stuffed... do they make stuffed Brachens?

> I think not. At least, I've never seen one.

 

Shame, that. Maybe, when I get back, I'll have to see about having one custom made for her.

Who knows? Maybe they'll be the next cabbage patch craze.

> You haven't seen me at my best. Get myself around a single malt  
whiskey or five and I could talk all night about anything.

> > > Perhaps we can do that some night, once you're out of there. I  
wouldn't mind listening to you talk.

> > It's the Irish brogue, gets them every time. ;)

But seriously, I'd like that. A lot, I think.

> I know some good places for quiet drinking. Er, not too quiet, you  
understand. But where one could have a conversation easily enough, if  
that were something one wanted to do while drinking.

 

Sounds like a plan. As soon as I'm out of here you and me and a night of quiet drinking.

> > Then again technically I *am* nothing now so... take that as you will.

> Don't say things like that, even in jest. You're alive, you're here.  
You're just a bit separate at the moment, for a brief period of time.

 

You're very vehement about this, aren't you?

> > > And his actions are generally more than sufficient to get his point  
across.

> > Yeah. Not much subtlety about Angel.

> No, that's quite true.

 

I mean, the hair alone...

> > > I went behind his back to in an attempt to protect him, he ended up  
feeling betrayed.

> > And he can't let that go?

Or you can't?

> A bit of both, I think. He can't see my point of view, and I can see  
his all too well.

 

That's rough.

> > Well, telepathic mail maybe; I don't hear voices, just see the words.

> When you first became aware it must have seemed like some bizarre sort  
of dream.

 

Yeah. The only thing missing was someone playing the twilight zone theme in the background.

> > I... moving isn't so much like walking in here as it is stretching out  
for impossibly long distances.

I think I found the security systems -- suddenly was seeing a lobby  
with people coming and going. I'm going to explore some more.

> Interesting. And you could actually SEE them?

 

Yeah. Again, more like the pictures popping into my head than sitting down and looking at a screen. But I can see what looks like security camera feeds.

This is a big place, isn't it?

> > > Is there anyone you'd like me to get a message to? I could go and tell  
Cordelia that you're here? There's no reason to believe that she hears  
us, and considering the mystical origin of her coma there's also no  
reason to think that she's actually in there, but... I could.

> > I... I'd like that a lot. She could be there, could be able to hear. If she  
could.. well, it would be nice if she knew I was back. And thinking of her.

> I went and sat with her for a bit, told her what's going on.

 

Thank you.

> I like to think that she heard me.

 

People in comas are supposed to be aware of their surroundings to some extent so...

> That's probably a sentimental fool's hope, of course. 

 

Just call me a sentimental fool then.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

Hello Doyle.

> > > Angel said you used to be a Watcher?

> > Yes, that's true. I was Buffy's Watcher for a brief time in Sunnydale,  
just before Angel came to L.A.

> So you've been a teacher too.

 

I suppose so. I don't know if I ever thought of it in quite that manner; more that I was to guide the Slayer. Although of course maintaining and improving her skill level was important as well.

> > That's probably true as well. There was a time when I would have said  
differently, but now...

> There was a time when he didn't care enough to try and hide that he was  
brooding; now he's got people he doesn't want worrying about him (or lecturing him, just as like) so he hides it.

 

There was also a time when it almost seemed to me that he was going to get past that tendency, a time when his brooding almost seemed... behind him. Sadly, it didn't last.

> > Possibly not. It's unfortunate, in that case, that sometimes there  
don't seem to be a lot of other options.

> Yeah, I can get that. Been times in my life where I was all about avoiding  
people and drinking myself into a daily stupor.

I recommend finding a different way to get out of that sorta funk than I was  
subjected to.

 

I suppose it's more that I'm isolating myself. I lost someone that I cared for -- someone I shouldn't have let myself care for -- and it's difficult to put that behind me completely, as much as I realize that I ought to.

> > I think I've narrowed it down some. The difficulty is that there isn't  
a "mainframe" computer here. It's possible that you're "in" the  
computer closest to where the spell was done, but I'm not entirely  
certain which one that is, and the letters still aren't providing any  
meaningful direction.

> Don't know if it'll help but I didn't have to "stretch" too far to reach the  
security feeds.

 

It's possible that might help, thank you.

> > It *does* sound like a fascinating experience.

> Think maybe someone would want to make it into a movie or something? Tron II the real story?

Nah, probably not.

 

Tron?

And you never know, people seem to make movies about all sorts of things these days.

> > > A falling out that's still having fallout? Something you can't put  
behind you?

> > Yes. He can't forgive me, and I can't totally blame him for that.

> Do you know he can't forgive you? Or are you just assuming based on amount of broodage?

 

Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not convinced they're the sorts of things people get past.

> > It's all right, there's a fully equipped gym here in the building, he  
can redirect his impulsiveness and frustration there.

> If you could find some forces of evil he could pound on for a bit, I'm sure that  
would help a lot.

 

He does do some of that. It's not as though there's a shortage of evil in L.A. If he sometimes chooses to let the dispatch teams take care of situations, that's no one's choice but his own.

> > It would be hard to miss.

> Part of his charm.

 

I wouldn't call rash behaviour 'charming.'

> > We'll do our best to make sure you have the opportunity.

> Thanks :-)

> > What *is* the life span of a half-Brachen?

> I'm assuming it's about the same as a full human. From what I've read, a full  
Brachen demon's life span is similar to a human's.

Not like I've met any other half-Brachens I could ask.

 

You're right, I'd imagine your life span's about the same as any other human's. I take it you haven't any children. Of your own. Biological ones, I mean. They'd be a quarter Brachen, if you had them with a human.

Is children one of those things one isn't supposed to ask about? In person it's easier to stop myself, somehow, from asking things that might be inappropriate. In any case, stop me if I ask anything you don't care to answer.

> > > Tell me?

> > I had my throat cut about a year and a half ago. That was no picnic,  
I'll tell you.

> Geez, born under a wounded star were you?

 

Quite possibly.

> > But I'm fine now.

> Good.

 

There are days when I'm not so sure. But yes. At least I'm doing something useful.

> > The thought of you teaching schoolchildren is a bit disturbing. I don't  
mean that in a negative way exactly, just... you don't seem the type.  
I'm sure you were very good at it.

> It was a different lifetime. Pre demon.

Though... there was a certain similarity in dealing with a bunch of 8 year olds  
and dealing with a certain souled vampire.

 

I can well imagine.

I'd guess that their attention spans were longer, for one thing.

> > > Living is a good starting point for pretty much anything.

> > Except a career as a vampire, perhaps.

> There is that. Though you have to be living to be turned into a vampire so...

 

All right, you've got me there.

> > > Yes. I... Let me check with Angel if he minds if I share.

> > Fair enough.

> He said it was fine so...

Back when I was alive, I had a vision about Buffy in trouble; this was around  
American Thanksgiving. Angel went to Sunnydale to make sure she was safe  
and helped but stayed in the shadows. Buffy found out about it regardless and  
came to LA to tell him off about it.

What I remember is she came, they yelled at each other for a bit, a Mohra demon  
dove through the window, and Angel killed it, and Buffy left.

But apparently that was only take two. Take one, the demon got away and Buffy  
and Angel hunted it down in the sewers. Angel killed it, but got some of its  
blood mixed with his.

It turned him human.

He and Buffy... well, Angel never went into details, but I've got a very active and  
creative imagination. Suffice to say they got together. So pretty he'd just be  
handed everything he ever wanted, right?

But Angel, when he realised he couldn't fight, he decided he couldn't keep it.  
He went to the Oracles and had them turn back the clock one day.

And the man wonders why I wouldn't let him sacrifice himself with the Beacon.  
He's a genuine bonifide hero, that one.

 

Oh. Actually, I think Cordelia mentioned something about it at some point. (No surprise that she wouldn't have waited to ask Angel's permission first, is it.) But I believe she was running off at the mouth about any number of things, and there was no pause in which to ask for more details.

It's good to know.

It also makes me wonder if something he's been waiting for all this time has actually come and gone already. He gave it back, after all, and the thing with prophecies is that the timing is often so imprecise...

> > She hasn't been in a position to explore any pastures for some time,  
unfortunately.

> Not even Angel?

 

Well, she hardly could, really. Not just because of the clause, but also because we don't know for certain at what point in time she became... no longer herself.

> > > Stuffed dog then. Or stuffed... do they make stuffed Brachens?

> > I think not. At least, I've never seen one.

> Shame, that. Maybe, when I get back, I'll have to see about having one custom  
made for her.

Who knows? Maybe they'll be the next cabbage patch craze.

 

I find that extremely difficult to believe.

> > > It's the Irish brogue, gets them every time. ;)

But seriously, I'd like that. A lot, I think.

> > I know some good places for quiet drinking. Er, not too quiet, you  
understand. But where one could have a conversation easily enough, if  
that were something one wanted to do while drinking.

> Sounds like a plan. As soon as I'm out of here you and me and a night of  
quiet drinking.

 

Excellent.

Although you may want a few nights to relax and adjust first, of course. Immediately throwing yourself into a bottle might not be the best idea.

> > > Then again technically I *am* nothing now so... take that as you will.

> > Don't say things like that, even in jest. You're alive, you're here.  
You're just a bit separate at the moment, for a brief period of time. 

> You're very vehement about this, aren't you?

 

I really am, yes.

> > > Yeah. Not much subtlety about Angel.

> > No, that's quite true.

> I mean, the hair alone...

 

There now, you almost made me spit my tea into the keyboard, and surely that wouldn't be a good thing.

It doesn't seem that being dead for more than three years has harmed your sense of humor.

> > > And he can't let that go?

Or you can't?

> > A bit of both, I think. He can't see my point of view, and I can see  
his all too well.

> That's rough.

 

That's one word for it, yes. And I don't blame him.

Well, that's not completely true. Part of me *does* blame him, and then feels guilty for doing so. It's quite a miserable cycle actually.

> > > Well, telepathic mail maybe; I don't hear voices, just see the words.

> > When you first became aware it must have seemed like some bizarre sort  
of dream.

> Yeah. The only thing missing was someone playing the twilight zone theme in the  
background.

 

I'm sure that would have made it even more disturbing.

> > Interesting. And you could actually SEE them?

> Yeah. Again, more like the pictures popping into my head than sitting down and  
looking at a screen. But I can see what looks like security camera feeds.

This is a big place, isn't it?

 

It is, yes. Very.

Tell me what you saw.

> > I went and sat with her for a bit, told her what's going on.

> Thank you.

 

You're welcome. It wasn't any trouble. I generally visit her twice a week or so, at a minimum.

> > I like to think that she heard me.

> People in comas are supposed to be aware of their surroundings to some extent so...

 

Yes, one has to assume it's possible.

> > That's probably a sentimental fool's hope, of course.

> Just call me a sentimental fool then.

 

I suppose you may as well add me to that list then, much as I hate to admit it.

Lorne says he may have come up with something, but he's not sure. They need a few more days to research it. If he's right, and they've found a useful spell, it might not be much longer.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel :-)

> > > I'm not going to make one of those, and you can't make me.

> > Aw, come on. Just one little grin? It only takes three keys; two if  
you don't give yourself a nose. You can even do one with fangs: :-[

> I said no. Nope, not even one. 

 

Not even a little one?

> > Granted, not as much of a smile, but fangs.

Not sure how you'd do your hair though.

> Hey! Should I be offended?

 

Offended by your hair? I dunno, that would be between you and your hair, wouldn't it?

> > > Grinning anyway, though.

> > Glad to hear that. :-)

> Yeah. It feels really weird, but not bad.

 

Working a whole set of muscles that you probably don't use much.

> > > Can you tell that time's passing?

> > Some, but it's not like I'm sitting and checking my watch every five  
minutes.

> I don't even have a watch.

 

I'll make note for Christmas time. ;-)

> Oh. Guess you don't either.

 

Or a wrist to put it on.

> I'd promise not to look at a clock you know, as a show of solidarity  
but then I'd miss some vital meeting and everything would fall  
apart. Not really, but that's the idea you get. Every piece is an  
important part in the machinery, blah blah blah.

 

I guess I'm taking the 'important part in the machinery' thing a bit literally here, huh?

> And Fred gets to play around up there figuring out how to make a  
microwave run on M&Ms or something. Again, not really, although every  
time I see her she's got a pack of those things in her hand. It might  
be a taco replacement, come to think of it.

 

She could just like chocolate, y'know.

> Oh. Sorry if I keep making references to stuff you don't know about, I  
just kind of forget. When we first brought Fred back from Pylea, she  
had a taco thing going on.

 

What exactly is a taco thing?

> > Does he have a karaoke bar? Cause he sounds like the Host of this  
place I went to a few times called Caritas.

> Hey! Yeah, that's him. What'd'ya know.

Small world.

 

So did he make you sing?

> > You can read people; you just keep getting out of practice what with  
all the brooding and hiding in the dark. Or the beauracracy, which seems to be  
the thing these days.

> Tell me about it.

 

You might want to see what you could do about stepping out from behind the beauracracy a bit.

> > That's going to be a lot, Angel. I've years of not talking to make up for.

> Hey, I probably do too. More than you.

 

Well I can listen as well as talk if you feel like doing some of that making up.

> > You can talk to me, you know that right? About anything.

> Yeah, I know.

Thanks.

 

Anytime. I may not have ears right now but I can still listen.

> > Funny that. They have nights where it's warm and tropical too.

> Yeah, but you don't want to be stuck keeping me company, sitting on the  
beach at night. You want to sit in the sun, soak up some rays, check  
out all the hot girls in bikinis.

 

The hot girls in bikinis would probably just get me in trouble, or ignore me entirely. And all that hot sun wouldn't be good for my delicate Irish  
complection.

So the nights on the beach might be a good thing.

Besides, you sound like you could use a vacation too.

> > Yeah. But sounds to me like you're not having much luck with that. The  
not thinking about it I mean.

> I guess not.

 

So we'll think about it. And talk about it. Maybe it'll help.

Can't hurt, can it?

> > > Um, not necessarily. Turns out she was under some major influence for  
a while there. No way to know what of it was her and what of it was...  
other stuff. Plus even if that HAD been her, I don't know if she would  
have...

> > She would have. I mean, it's *you*, Angel. Of course she would have.

> No guarantees.

 

There's never any guarantees. But there's probabilities, and it's far more probable than not that Cordelia would've.

I know if it had been me, I would've in a heartbeat.

Y'know, if you'd ever had feelings for me. Which you wouldn't because I'm not a gorgeous woman with spirit. But for the sake of the argument...

> > I think that would be up to her. And don't sell yourself short. Pretty  
much any woman faced with you and me is going to choose you.

> Um... Doyle? You do remember that you're ALIVE, right? Even inside the  
computer you're more alive than I'll ever be. People want, you know,  
other people who actually breathe and eat food and stuff. Not vampires.

 

Actually I'm a disembodied consciousness inside a formerly evil lawfirm's computer right now. So I think you're one up on me, what with having a body and all.

And even if I wasn't, you're underestimating yourself. Who cares about breathing and eating food? What's really important is who you are, not what you are.

And who you are is someone anyone would be crazy not to choose.

> I was probably just trying to fool myself the whole time.

 

Or, here's a radical thought, maybe you were reacting to real genuine feelings. On both sides.

> > Yeah, sounds like you need to burn off some nerves. Isn't there  
anything you could assign yourself that involves hitting things that aren't the  
computers around here?

> Oh, I do. Hit things and stuff, I mean. Just not as much as I used to.  
Trained teams are more efficient, better equipped to handle demon  
fighting, fill in the next line with your own corporation catch phrase.

 

Yeah, but not as much fun. You should give yourself some of those assignments, keep your hand in. Find something evil and annoying to work your frustrations out on.

Or at least go down to that fully equipped gym Wesley tells me you have and beat on a punching bag for a while.

> > > Not that we aren't doing a lot more good from here, don't get me  
wrong.

> > I know you are you're you. You're going to do as much good as you  
can wherever you are.

> I do what I can. Too bad it never feels like enough, you know?

 

Yeah, I do. It's easier to remember the face of the person you didn't save than of all the ones you did.

> > > Oh sorry. Didn't know you were so easily frightened off.

> > Nope, you don't get rid of me that easily.

> Good.

 

:-)

> > You've had a busy couple of years haven't you?

> You have no idea. Unless Wes... nope. You have no idea.

 

I'm starting to get a vague idea from what you wrote below.

Bet you're wishing yourself back to those alleys in New York sometimes, huh?

> > Sun proof cars? What cars with no glass?

> Nope, necro-tempered. Glass, I mean. Vampire dust-proof. Got it in the office  
building too -- means people can have their shades open and I  
can walk around without showering everyone with vampire confetti. It's  
a good deal.

Cars are in an underground lot. I can go places without worrying about  
the whole sun thing, if I want to.

 

So this means you can stand in the sun in your office? Wow. Bet that's something.

You deserve a bit of sun; I know why you destroyed the Gem of Amara and respect your reasons, but I still say you deserved what it gave you. I wish you could've had more than the one sunset.

Guess now you can. Even if it's through glass.

> > > Oh is that what they're calling it these days?

> > What would you call it?

> Nah, I guess incorrigible works pretty well.

 

My picture's under the word's entry in the dictionary. ;-)

> > > I'm saving up my yelling at you about the Beacon thing until you're  
back in the flesh and I can get my hands on you.

> > What, because I sacrificed myself before you could sacrifice  
yourself? You do remember that you were about to do what I did before I stopped you,right?

So yelling at me for doing it is going to be kind of hypocritical, don't you think?

> Don't care, I'm gonna do it anyway. It was my job, not yours. Life or  
death situation, vampire takes the line of fire. Just the way it is.

 

Because your life (or unlife, if you prefer) is worth less than mine?

Sorry, don't buy that.

> > I apologise for hitting you though. 

> Sucker punch.

 

Hey, I'm not stupid. Anything else and you would've cleaned the floor with me.

> > > Right. Don't touch the computers.

> > Well, aside from talking to me. Then you can touch them. Just not hit them.

> Right. Don't hit the computers.

 

Good man.

> > > Wes just called me and told me the same thing. You two working in  
stereo, that's something.

> > Just covering the bases. :) Wesley seems to be an okay guy.

> Yeah, he is.

 

There's some stuff going on with him I think. I don't know him much yet, but I'm getting a vibe off of him.

> > > Fuck you. (grinning)

> > :-p Okay, you win, because I am NEVER going to make those little faces.

 

Come on. Just one little face.

> > > I'll... give me a little time to think about this, okay? I want to tell  
you, I just need to think it over and make sure it's the right thing  
to do, because there are a lot of people involved.

> > All right. I can wait. Not like I have someplace urgent to be or  
anything.

> Yeah. I mean, thanks.

 

Anytime. You know that.

> > Of course. You can trust me, Angel. You know that.

> Oh, I know if you say you will, you will. It's not that I don't trust  
you. More that it's kind of big, and I don't want you feeling bad about  
it later. 

 

If telling me is going to help you, I can deal with whatever fallout sharing the secret brings.

> When I agreed to take over W&H, it was on a couple of conditions, and  
one of them was that everyone who knew about Connor would have him sort  
of... magically wiped from their minds. To protect him, you know?

Connor's my son. I had a son. With Darla.

 

If I had a mouth at the moment, it would be hanging open. Though not sure if that would be more for you having a son or doing what you would need to do to get a son with Darla.

But wow.

> I know, wild, huh? But he's gone now, doesn't remember me anymore. Has  
a whole new normal family and stuff.

It's better this way.

 

So it's giving up being human all over again, giving back what you want the most.

Tell me about him?

> But Wesley doesn't remember, has a whole bunch of false memories in his  
head about that time. Also, supposedly, an inclination not to want to  
talk about them. I think it's some kind of failsafe, make it less  
likely for people to be able to look at those memories and examine them  
too closely.

 

That would explain the incredible stubborness that he's been exhibiting about not talking about that time period.

> > Speaking of... can I tell Wesley about the day that didn't happen? The  
one where you turned human? I won't if you don't want me to, but it's come up  
obliquely and...

> It's okay. Tell him if you want to. Not like it matters much now.

 

I told him in the last mail I sent.

What you did, and why, that's still... I still think that's amazing.

And now you've done it again.

You're a hell of a role model to look up to, my friend.

> > > Oh yeah, don't get me wrong. I'll take Lincoln tunnel any day over not  
having you around.

> > That's actually carpal tunnel, you know.

> Oh, right. I thought there was something wrong about that.

 

You're really endearing sometimes.

> > And... I might have found something to help with seeing your face.  
I'll let ya know.

> Seriously?

 

Yeah. Found the security systems and am starting to figure out how to tap into their camera feeds. Only problem is I can't tell which feed is for what place...

You've got a very big lawfirm, you know that?

> > Not trying to pressure you here, but it sounds like you have something  
you're carrying that would help to talk about. If you can't talk to me, talk  
to someone, okay?

> I'm talking to you.

Not too good at it though, I know that.

 

You're doing fine. You know I'll poke you if I think you need it.

> > > But I'm hanging in there. Get up every day, get dressed, come to work.  
Fight the good fight.

It's just all kind of empty.

> > Okay, now I *am* going to pressure you. I need you to tell me what's got you  
so... empty to use your word. That's not right. You shouldn't be feeling like  
that and I want to do whatever I can to help. Though about all I can  
do right now is talk and listen so...

I'm listening.

 

> The empty thing is Connor and Cordy mostly. And Connor AND Cordy. It's  
a really long story and I think I've done as much talking for now as I  
can though, so can it wait until next time? 

 

Sure, it can wait.

But I'm here for you, man. Whatever you need. You know you can tell me anything.

> Thanks, Doyle. I'm really glad you're back.

 

Yeah, so am I. And not just for me.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > Aw, come on. Just one little grin? It only takes three keys; two if  
you don't give yourself a nose. You can even do one with fangs: :-[

> > I said no. Nope, not even one.

> Not even a little one?

 

Haven't you ever heard that "no means no" thing? This is peer pressure, that's what it is. The tv commercials tell me that I should ignore you.

> > > Not sure how you'd do your hair though.

> > Hey! Should I be offended?

> Offended by your hair? I dunno, that would be between you and your hair,  
wouldn't it?

 

Guess that whole thing about the funny bone is a myth, huh. If that's where your sense of humor is supposed to be, I mean.

There's NOTHING wrong with my hair.

Okay, be honest. Is it really funny looking?

> > > > Grinning anyway, though.

> > > Glad to hear that. :-) 

> > Yeah. It feels really weird, but not bad.

> Working a whole set of muscles that you probably don't use much.

 

Probably.

Look, you'd tell me if there was something wrong with my hair, right?

> > I don't even have a watch.

> I'll make note for Christmas time. ;-)

 

Ha. Very funny.

> > Oh. Guess you don't either.

> Or an wrist to put it on.

 

Or a FUNNY BONE.

Where is that anyway, in your elbow?

> > I'd promise not to look at a clock you know, as a show of solidarity  
but then I'd miss some vital meeting and everything would fall  
apart. Not really, but that's the idea you get. Every piece is an  
important part in the machinery, blah blah blah.

> I guess I'm taking the 'important part in the machinery' thing a bit literally  
here, huh?

 

I meant the machinery of the company. Um, the machinery that the company makes up. Well not MAKES UP like imagines, but, you know. Is composed of. That kind of thing.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah. You know, how everyone is important, all the way down to the lowliest cleaning person, blah blah blah.

> > And Fred gets to play around up there figuring out how to make a  
microwave run on M&Ms or something. Again, not really, although every  
time I see her she's got a pack of those things in her hand. It might  
be a taco replacement, come to think of it. 

> She could just like chocolate, y'know.

 

A little too much, if you ask me.

> > Oh. Sorry if I keep making references to stuff you don't know about, I  
just kind of forget. When we first brought Fred back from Pylea, she  
had a taco thing going on.

> What exactly is a taco thing?

 

Like, you know, a THING. She had a thing for them. Like, she really liked them a lot.

Like the chocolate.

Haven't you ever had a thing?

> > > Does he have a karaoke bar? Cause he sounds like the Host of this  
place I went to a few times called Caritas.

> > Hey! Yeah, that's him. What'd'ya know.

Small world.

> So did he make you sing?

 

Yeah. Let's not talk about it.

> > > You can read people; you just keep getting out of practice what with all the  
brooding and hiding in the dark. Or the beauracracy, which seems to be the thing  
these days.

> > Tell me about it.

> You might want to see what you could do about stepping out from behind the  
beauracracy a bit.

 

I do, sometimes. Probably not enough. Everything runs so smoothly, it kind of seems like a shame to mess it up by stepping in and doing stuff myself.

> > > That's going to be a lot, Angel. I've years of not talking to make up for.

> > Hey, I probably do too. More than you.

> Well I can listen as well as talk if you feel like doing some of that making up.

 

Probably done more talking to you, here, than I have in the past few months. I might wear myself out, if I'm not careful.

> > > You can talk to me, you know that right? About anything.

> > Yeah, I know.

Thanks.

> Anytime. I may not have ears right now but I can still listen.

 

Yeah. How does that work exactly?

> > Yeah, but you don't want to be stuck keeping me company, sitting on the  
beach at night. You want to sit in the sun, soak up some rays, check  
out all the hot girls in bikinis.

> The hot girls in bikinis would probably just get me in trouble, or ignore me  
entirely. And all that hot sun wouldn't be good for my delicate Irish  
complection.

So the nights on the beach might be a good thing.

Besides, you sound like you could use a vacation too.

 

I don't know. Seems a little bit like running away. I think I've spent enough time doing that. Time to stick around and face the music.

> > > Yeah. But sounds to me like you're not having much luck with that. The not  
thinking about it I mean.

> > I guess not.

> So we'll think about it. And talk about it. Maybe it'll help.

Can't hurt, can it?

 

I'm TRYING. Jeez. Does it seem to you like I'm not talking?

Sorry. I'm not mad. Just... trying to keep going, you know.

I'm trying.

> > > She would have. I mean, it's *you*, Angel. Of course she would have.

> > No guarantees.

> There's never any guarantees. But there's probabilities, and it's far more  
probable than not that Cordelia would've.

 

Better not to think about it. If we can figure out some way to get her back, she's gonna be confused, upset... no way to know how much she's gonna remember. I'm putting it behind me.

> I know if it had been me, I would've in a heartbeat.

Y'know, if you'd ever had feelings for me. Which you wouldn't because I'm not a  
gorgeous woman with spirit. But for the sake of the argument...

 

You think I didn't have feelings for you?

> > Um... Doyle? You do remember that you're ALIVE, right? Even inside the  
computer you're more alive than I'll ever be. People want, you know,  
other people who actually breathe and eat food and stuff. Not vampires.

> Actually I'm a disembodied consciousness inside a formerly evil lawfirm's  
computer right now. So I think you're one up on me, what with having a body and  
all.

And even if I wasn't, you're underestimating yourself. Who cares about breathing  
and eating food? What's really important is who you are, not what you are.

And who you are is someone anyone would be crazy not to choose.

 

See, now it sounds like you're flirting with me.

Cordy and anyone else, for that matter would be better off without someone like me. I mean, dead. Undead. Whatever. Vampire. Brooding. Not so good with the talking and sharing. Don't know how to do the social thing.

Doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing people -- key word PEOPLE -- would want to settle for.

 

> > I was probably just trying to fool myself the whole time.

> Or, here's a radical thought, maybe you were reacting to real genuine feelings.  
On both sides.

 

It doesn't matter now.

> > Oh, I do. Hit things and stuff, I mean. Just not as much as I used to.  
Trained teams are more efficient, better equipped to handle demon  
fighting, fill in the next line with your own corporation catch phrase.

> Yeah, but not as much fun. You should give yourself some of those assignments,  
keep your hand in. Find something evil and annoying to work your frustrations  
out on.

 

Again, I do, sometimes.

> Or at least go down to that fully equipped gym Wesley tells me you have and  
beat on a punching bag for a while.

 

I do that too. More than you might want to know.

> > I do what I can. Too bad it never feels like enough, you know?

> Yeah, I do. It's easier to remember the face of the person you didn't save than  
of all the ones you did.

 

Exactly.

> > > You've had a busy couple of years haven't you?

> > You have no idea. Unless Wes... nope. You have no idea.

> I'm starting to get a vague idea from what you wrote below.

Bet you're wishing yourself back to those alleys in New York sometimes, huh?

 

Actually, not often. But yeah, sometimes.

> > > Sun proof cars? What cars with no glass?

> > Nope, necro-tempered. Glass, I mean. Vampire dust-proof. Got it in the office  
building too -- means people can have their shades open and I  
can walk around without showering everyone with vampire confetti. It's  
a good deal.

Cars are in an underground lot. I can go places without worrying about  
the whole sun thing, if I want to.

> So this means you can stand in the sun in your office? Wow. Bet that's  
something.

 

Sure is.

> You deserve a bit of sun; I know why you destroyed the Gem of Amara and respect  
your reasons, but I still say you deserved what it gave you. I wish you could've  
had more than the one sunset.

Guess now you can. Even if it's through glass.

 

Yeah, I guess I could.

> > Nah, I guess incorrigible works pretty well.

> My picture's under the word's entry in the dictionary. ;-)

 

Yeah, I thought I saw it there. There's another one of you under 'smart-ass.'

> > > So yelling at me for doing it is going to be kind of hypocritical, don't you think?

> > Don't care, I'm gonna do it anyway. It was my job, not yours. Life or  
death situation, vampire takes the line of fire. Just the way it is.

> Because your life (or unlife, if you prefer) is worth less than mine?

 

Yeah.

> Sorry, don't buy that.

 

You don't have to. It's just this bit of free advice I'm offering you.

> > > I apologise for hitting you though.

> > Sucker punch. 

> Hey, I'm not stupid. Anything else and you would've cleaned the floor with me.

 

Well, yeah.

And it's okay. I mean, there are times when I wish it'd been me, but... thanks. I appreciate what you did, for me and for Cordy.

> > Right. Don't hit the computers.

> Good man.

 

Nope, neither.

> > > Just covering the bases. :) Wesley seems to be an okay guy.

> > Yeah, he is.

> There's some stuff going on with him I think. I don't know him much yet, but I'm  
getting a vibe off of him.

 

What kind of a vibe?

You think he's sick or something?

> > > :-p > Okay, you win, because I am NEVER going to make those little faces.

> Come on. Just one little face.

 

No means no.

> > Oh, I know if you say you will, you will. It's not that I don't trust  
you. More that it's kind of big, and I don't want you feeling bad about  
it later.

> If telling me is going to help you, I can deal with whatever fallout sharing  
the secret brings.

 

I don't know if it helped, but... it's kind of good not to be the only person who knows.

> > When I agreed to take over W&H, it was on a couple of conditions, and  
one of them was that everyone who knew about Connor would have him sort  
of... magically wiped from their minds. To protect him, you know?

Connor's my son. I had a son. With Darla. 

> If I had a mouth at the moment, it would be hanging open. Though not sure if  
that would be more for you having a son or doing what you would need to do to  
get a son with Darla.

But wow.

 

Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction when she showed up 9 months pregnant.

> > I know, wild, huh? But he's gone now, doesn't remember me anymore. Has  
a whole new normal family and stuff.

It's better this way.

> So it's giving up being human all over again, giving back what you want the  
most.

Tell me about him?

 

I... will at some point. Not now. Okay?

> > But Wesley doesn't remember, has a whole bunch of false memories in his  
head about that time. Also, supposedly, an inclination not to want to  
talk about them. I think it's some kind of failsafe, make it less  
likely for people to be able to look at those memories and examine them  
too closely.

> That would explain the incredible stubborness that he's been exhibiting about  
not talking about that time period.

 

Huh. Good to know that it's working, I guess.

He thinks what happened between him and me is all about Darla. It's still so weird to think that he doesn't remember Connor. That none of them do. Will, in Cordy's case.

> > It's okay. Tell him if you want to. Not like it matters much now.

> I told him in the last mail I sent.

What you did, and why, that's still... I still think that's amazing.

And now you've done it again.

You're a hell of a role model to look up to, my friend. 

 

Jesus, don't even go thinking that. You'd be better off to look at what I did with my life and then go and do the exact opposite. That's how crappy a role model I am.

> > > That's actually carpal tunnel, you know.

> > Oh, right. I thought there was something wrong about that.

> You're really endearing sometimes.

 

Thanks a lot.

> > Seriously?

> Yeah. Found the security systems and am starting to figure out how to tap into  
their camera feeds. Only problem is I can't tell which feed is for what place...

You've got a very big lawfirm, you know that?

 

Yeah, I know.

Um... could you see my hair?

> > I'm talking to you.

Not too good at it though, I know that.

> You're doing fine. You know I'll poke you if I think you need it.

 

Just remember to be careful where you go poking with those pointy sticks, okay?

> > The empty thing is Connor and Cordy mostly. And Connor AND Cordy. It's  
a really long story and I think I've done as much talking for now as I  
can though, so can it wait until next time?

> Sure, it can wait.

But I'm here for you, man. Whatever you need. You know you can tell me anything.

 

After Cordy came back from the Higher Being stint when she wasn't herself really, but still... she and Connor... god it's such a long story. Trying to keep it short:

There was this guy, Holtz, that me and Darla had some trouble with a couple hundred years back. He came forward in time to get revenge on me for killing his family. Wanted to take Connor, before he was born even. Darla... well, Wolfram and Hart came along and had Dru turn her back, and then she and I... you know. And then somehow she got pregnant.

So Darla couldn't give birth to Connor. I don't know why, don't know if it was part of some  
prophecy, or just one of those things that shouldn't have been allowed to happen in the first place because, you know, vampires don't have kids. She staked herself to save Connor. Little while later, Wes found this prophecy, this other prophecy, saying that I was gonna kill Connor. So he took him. Stole him away from me. Was gonna take him to Holtz, who for some fucked up reason he trusted, but Justine (um, friend of Holtz's) tricked him. Cut his throat and left him for dead, took Connor to Holtz.

Holtz took Connor into Quor-toth. Hell dimension. Not a good place for anyone, but especially not a baby.

When I found out what happened, I... well, I lost it. Went to the hospital where Wes was and... tried to kill him.

We tried to get Connor back. Me and Fred and Gunn and Lorne (Cordy was off on a trip, and I didn't know how to call and tell her I'd lost Connor, so I didn't) -- we tried everything. But before we could figure out what the hell was going on, Connor was back.

As a teenager. Him and Holtz, though we didn't know about Holtz being back at first. And they...

Is this all too much to take in at once? Can you save stuff to look at later? Well, it doesn't matter, if anything doesn't make sense, I'll repeat it.

Cordy came back. Holtz killed himself, with Justine's help, and set me up, made it look like I'd done it. Connor went nuts. The same night I was going to meet Cordy and tell her, you know, how I felt, Connor and Justine put me in a box and sank me to the bottom of the ocean.

It was supposed to be, you know, eternal punishment.

Wes was the one who got me out. I didn't deserve it, but he came after me. Made Justine help him. Hell, let me feed from his fucking *arm* when what he'd brought wasn't enough.

Got back to the hotel, found out that Cordy'd disappeared the same night I had and no one'd seen her since.

And Connor had been there all summer with Fred and Gunn, pretending that he didn't know where I was. Told him I loved him, and threw him out.

Turns out Wes had been investigating Cordy's disappearance, pointed me in the right direction to find out that she'd been made a Higher Being.

But then *she* came back. Except it wasn't really her, but we didn't know that. She was, you know, possessed or whatever. She didn't remember much at first, but after we did a spell to get her memory back, she said she'd loved me, but that she couldn't be with me because she'd seen all the terrible things I'd done in the past. You know, as Angelus. She went to Connor, and then... her and Connor...

That's how she got pregnant. Sort of. I don't know.

God. Anyway, that's pretty much everything. Wes and the others think that it was all about Darla and Holtz. They don't remember Connor.

Only me.

And now you.

> > Thanks, Doyle. I'm really glad you're back.

> Yeah, so am I. And not just for me.

 

That little story turn you off the talking thing? I'd understand if it did.

\- Angel


	5. Chapter 5

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel :-)

> > > > Aw, come on. Just one little grin? It only takes three keys; two if  
you don't give yourself a nose. You can even do one with fangs: :-[

> > > I said no. Nope, not even one.

> > Not even a little one?

> Haven't you ever heard that "no means no" thing? This is peer pressure,  
that's what it is. The tv commercials tell me that I should ignore you.

 

Guess I'll have to keep doing them for both of us then. How's this for you?

@:-[

> > Offended by your hair? I dunno, that would be between you and your  
hair, wouldn't it?

> Guess that whole thing about the funny bone is a myth, huh. If that's  
where your sense of humor is supposed to be, I mean.

 

Wesley thinks I'm funny.

> There's NOTHING wrong with my hair.

 

Of course not.

> Okay, be honest. Is it really funny looking?

 

Funny ha-ha or funny strange?

> Look, you'd tell me if there was something wrong with my hair, right?

 

Paranoid a bit there, boyo?

> > > I don't even have a watch.

> > I'll make note for Christmas time. ;-)

> Ha. Very funny.

 

I thought so.

I mean what do you buy for the vampire who has everything?

The watch he doesn't have.

> > > Oh. Guess you don't either.

> > Or an wrist to put it on.

> Or a FUNNY BONE.

Where is that anyway, in your elbow?

 

The humerous yeah.

And before you say it, no I don't have any elbows at the moment.

> > I guess I'm taking the 'important part in the machinery' thing a bit  
literally here, huh?

> I meant the machinery of the company. Um, the machinery that the  
company makes up. Well not MAKES UP like imagines, but, you know. Is  
composed of. That kind of thing.

What was I saying?

 

I've missed you.

Even though I was, y'know, dead.

> Oh, yeah. You know, how everyone is important, all the way down to the  
lowliest cleaning person, blah blah blah.

 

Or the disembodied guy in the computer system?

> > > And Fred gets to play around up there figuring out how to make a  
microwave run on M&Ms or something. Again, not really, although every  
time I see her she's got a pack of those things in her hand. It might  
be a taco replacement, come to think of it.

> > She could just like chocolate, y'know.

> A little too much, if you ask me.

 

I dunno Harry used to be quite a chocoholic just made it easy to figure out what to get her for a present.

> > What exactly is a taco thing? 

> Like, you know, a THING. She had a thing for them. Like, she really  
liked them a lot.

Like the chocolate.

Haven't you ever had a thing?

 

Now that's a rather personal question there, Angel, don't you think?

> > So did he make you sing?

> Yeah. Let's not talk about it.

 

What did you sing?

> > You might want to see what you could do about stepping out from behind  
the beauracracy a bit.

> I do, sometimes. Probably not enough. Everything runs so smoothly, it  
kind of seems like a shame to mess it up by stepping in and doing stuff  
myself.

 

But it's driving you nuts right? So that's not running as smoothly as it could be.

> > Well I can listen as well as talk if you feel like doing some of that  
making up.

> Probably done more talking to you, here, than I have in the past few  
months. I might wear myself out, if I'm not careful.

 

Don't think so. Though you might give yourself carpal tunnel talking this way. ;-)

> > Anytime. I may not have ears right now but I can still listen.

> Yeah. How does that work exactly?

 

I dunno. Magic?

> > Besides, you sound like you could use a vacation too.

> I don't know. Seems a little bit like running away. I think I've spent  
enough time doing that. Time to stick around and face the music.

 

No, running away is when you go and don't come back. A vacation is when you go for a short time to de-stress and unwind and then come back more ready and able to face the music.

> > So we'll think about it. And talk about it. Maybe it'll help.

Can't hurt, can it?

> I'm TRYING. Jeez. Does it seem to you like I'm not talking?

Sorry. I'm not mad. Just... trying to keep going, you know.

I'm trying.

 

I know, Angel. I know. You're doing fine. I haven't poked you lately, have I?

> > There's never any guarantees. But there's probabilities, and it's  
far more probable than not that Cordelia would've.

> Better not to think about it. If we can figure out some way to get her  
back, she's gonna be confused, upset... no way to know how much she's  
gonna remember. I'm putting it behind me.

 

We'll get her back and then we'll deal with who feels what for whom.

Maybe we can start our own soap. "All My Demons" or something.

> > I know if it had been me, I would've in a heartbeat.

Y'know, if you'd ever had feelings for me. Which you wouldn't because  
I'm not a gorgeous woman with spirit. But for the sake of the argument...

> You think I didn't have feelings for you?

 

Oh I knew we were buddies. But we're talking about romantic, make you weak in the knees type feelings, right?

You're not saying that you...

> > And even if I wasn't, you're underestimating yourself. Who cares about  
breathing and eating food? What's really important is who you are, not what you are.

And who you are is someone anyone would be crazy not to choose.

> See, now it sounds like you're flirting with me.

 

And how would you feel if I was?

> Cordy and anyone else, for that matter would be better off  
without someone like me. I mean, dead. Undead. Whatever. Vampire.  
Brooding. Not so good with the talking and sharing. Don't know how to  
do the social thing.

Doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing people -- key word PEOPLE --  
would want to settle for.

 

You're making that decision for everybody huh?

> > > I was probably just trying to fool myself the whole time.

> > Or, here's a radical thought, maybe you were reacting to real genuine  
feelings. On both sides.

> It doesn't matter now.

 

Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when Cordelia wakes up.

> > Yeah, but not as much fun. You should give yourself some of those assignments  
, keep your hand in. Find something evil and annoying to work your frustrations out on.

> Again, I do, sometimes.

 

Doesn't sound like you do it enough though.

> > Or at least go down to that fully equipped gym Wesley tells me you  
have and beat on a punching bag for a while.

> I do that too. More than you might want to know.

 

Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime.

> > Bet you're wishing yourself back to those alleys in New York  
sometimes, huh?

> Actually, not often. But yeah, sometimes.

 

Not often, huh? Guess that just shows how far you've come.

> > So this means you can stand in the sun in your office? Wow. Bet that's  
something.

> Sure is.

 

I'm happy for you.

:-)

See?

> > You deserve a bit of sun; I know why you destroyed the Gem of Amara  
and respect your reasons, but I still say you deserved what it gave you. I wish  
you could've had more than the one sunset.

Guess now you can. Even if it's through glass.

> Yeah, I guess I could.

 

So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right?

Right?

> > > Nah, I guess incorrigible works pretty well.

> > My picture's under the word's entry in the dictionary. ;-)

> Yeah, I thought I saw it there. There's another one of you under  
'smart-ass.'

 

Yeah but you love me this way.

> > Because your life (or unlife, if you prefer) is worth less than mine?

> Yeah.

 

That is, in one word, bullshit.

> > Sorry, don't buy that.

> You don't have to. It's just this bit of free advice I'm offering you.

 

Thanks, but I think I see this situation clearer than you do.

> > > > I apologise for hitting you though.

> > > Sucker punch.

> > Hey, I'm not stupid. Anything else and you would've cleaned the floor with me.

> Well, yeah.

 

As I said, not stupid.

> And it's okay. I mean, there are times when I wish it'd been me, but...  
thanks. I appreciate what you did, for me and for Cordy.

 

You're welcome.

> > > Right. Don't hit the computers.

> > Good man.

> Nope, neither.

 

You're both.

> > > > Just covering the bases. :) Wesley seems to be an okay guy.

> > > Yeah, he is.

> > There's some stuff going on with him I think. I don't know him much yet, but I'm  
getting a vibe off of him.

> What kind of a vibe?

You think he's sick or something?

 

Not physically, but... he seems depressed.

> > > > :-p > > Okay, you win, because I am NEVER going to make those little faces.

> > Come on. Just one little face.

> No means no.

 

@:-[

Every time you say that I'm going to do my Angel emoticon.

> > If telling me is going to help you, I can deal with whatever fallout sharing  
the secret brings.

> I don't know if it helped, but... it's kind of good not to be the only person who knows.

 

It's nice to know you're not the only carrying the burden.

> > If I had a mouth at the moment, it would be hanging open. Though not sure if  
that would be more for you having a son or doing what you would need to do to get  
a son with Darla.

But wow.

> Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction when she showed up 9 months  
pregnant.

 

I can bet.

Cordelia must've ripped you a new one, huh?

> > Tell me about him?

> I... will at some point. Not now. Okay?

 

Whenever you're ready, whatever you feel like sharing. The bad, the good, I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me.

> > > But Wesley doesn't remember, has a whole bunch of false memories in his  
head about that time. Also, supposedly, an inclination not to want to  
talk about them. I think it's some kind of failsafe, make it less likely for people to  
be able to look at those memories and examine them too closely.

> > That would explain the incredible stubborness that he's been exhibiting about  
not talking about that time period.

> Huh. Good to know that it's working, I guess.

 

Very well if my experience is anything to go by.

> He thinks what happened between him and me is all about Darla. It's  
still so weird to think that he doesn't remember Connor. That none of  
them do. Will, in Cordy's case.

 

Whatever he does remember still seems to bother him a great deal.

> > You're a hell of a role model to look up to, my friend.

> Jesus, don't even go thinking that. You'd be better off to look at what  
I did with my life and then go and do the exact opposite. That's how  
crappy a role model I am.

 

You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I could put into words.

> That's actually carpal tunnel, you know. 

> > > Oh, right. I thought there was something wrong about that.

> > You're really endearing sometimes.

> Thanks a lot.

 

You are.

> > Yeah. Found the security systems and am starting to figure out how to  
tap into their camera feeds. Only problem is I can't tell which feed is for  
what place...

You've got a very big lawfirm, you know that?

> Yeah, I know.

 

Really big.

> Um... could you see my hair?

 

Haven't found the feed to your office yet, but I'm working on it.

I'll let you know when I find it.

> > You're doing fine. You know I'll poke you if I think you need it.

> Just remember to be careful where you go poking with those pointy  
sticks, okay?

 

Trust me.

> > But I'm here for you, man. Whatever you need. You know you can tell me  
anything.

> After Cordy came back from the Higher Being stint when she wasn't  
herself really, but still... she and Connor... god it's such a long  
story. Trying to keep it short:

 

It was a good summary. You're better at this talking thing than you give yourself credit for.

> So Darla couldn't give birth to Connor. I don't know why, don't know  
if it was part of some prophecy, or just one of those things that  
shouldn't have been allowed to happen in the first place because, you  
know, vampires don't have kids. She staked herself to save Connor.  
Little while later, Wes found this prophecy, this other prophecy,  
saying that I was gonna kill Connor. So he took him. Stole him away  
from me. Was gonna take him to Holtz, who for some fucked up reason he  
trusted, but Justine (um, friend of Holtz's) tricked him. Cut his  
throat and left him for dead, took Connor to Holtz.

 

I... Maybe this isn't really important now, but are you sure Wesley was going to give him to Holtz? I mean, I haven't known him for very long or anything, but...

It wouldn't have been what I would've done. The taking Connor to keep you both safe, yeah, I can see that. But I would've just kept going.

Besides, if Wesley was going to give Connor to Holtz why would they attack him to get Connor?

> Holtz took Connor into Quor-toth. Hell dimension. Not a good place for  
anyone, but especially not a baby.

 

Fuck. I'm sorry.

> When I found out what happened, I... well, I lost it. Went to the  
hospital where Wes was and... tried to kill him.

 

While not the right thing to do, I don't think anyone could blame you under the circumstances. I mean...

You knew Harry and I wanted kids. If we'd had, and someone had taken my kid, I wouldn't have been entirely sane.

> We tried to get Connor back. Me and Fred and Gunn and Lorne (Cordy was  
off on a trip, and I didn't know how to call and tell her I'd lost  
Connor, so I didn't) -- we tried everything. But before we could figure  
out what the hell was going on, Connor was back.

As a teenager. Him and Holtz, though we didn't know about Holtz being  
back at first. And they...

Is this all too much to take in at once? Can you save stuff to look at  
later? Well, it doesn't matter, if anything doesn't make sense, I'll  
repeat it.

 

I do seem to be able to look back on older emails. And you tell me what you feel like telling me when you feel like telling it. I'll keep up, promise.

> Cordy came back. Holtz killed himself, with Justine's help, and set me  
up, made it look like I'd done it. Connor went nuts. The same night I  
was going to meet Cordy and tell her, you know, how I felt, Connor and  
Justine put me in a box and sank me to the bottom of the ocean. 

 

Fuck.

> It was supposed to be, you know, eternal punishment.

 

Yeah. More because it was Connor that did it, huh.

> Wes was the one who got me out. I didn't deserve it, but he came after  
me. Made Justine help him. Hell, let me feed from his fucking *arm*  
when what he'd brought wasn't enough.

 

Sounds like someone doing his best to atone.

> Got back to the hotel, found out that Cordy'd disappeared the same  
night I had and no one'd seen her since.

 

This would be when she'd been higher being'ed then?

> And Connor had been there all summer with Fred and Gunn, pretending  
that he didn't know where I was. Told him I loved him, and threw him  
out.

 

Tough love. Good for you. That's about all you could've done at that point.

> Turns out Wes had been investigating Cordy's disappearance, pointed me  
in the right direction to find out that she'd been made a Higher Being.

But then *she* came back. Except it wasn't really her, but we didn't  
know that. She was, you know, possessed or whatever. She didn't  
remember much at first, but after we did a spell to get her memory  
back, she said she'd loved me, but that she couldn't be with me because  
she'd seen all the terrible things I'd done in the past. You know, as  
Angelus. She went to Connor, and then... her and Connor...

 

Christ Angel, I'm sorry.

> That's how she got pregnant. Sort of. I don't know.

 

She was pregnant with your grandkid? Okay, this is really starting to sound like a soap opera.

Sorry. I know it's not something to be joking about.

> God. Anyway, that's pretty much everything. Wes and the others think  
that it was all about Darla and Holtz. They don't remember Connor.

Only me. 

 

That's gotta be hard too.

> And now you.

 

Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now?

> > > Thanks, Doyle. I'm really glad you're back.

> > Yeah, so am I. And not just for me.

> That little story turn you off the talking thing? I'd understand if it did.

 

Angel, I'm more honoured than I can express that you trusted me enough to share this with me.

It'll take more than this to drive me off.

I'm not even sure you could.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > Haven't you ever heard that "no means no" thing? This is peer pressure,  
that's what it is. The tv commercials tell me that I should ignore you.

> Guess I'll have to keep doing them for both of us then. How's this for you?

@:-[

 

What the hell is that supposed to be? Someone with cotton candy on their head?

> > > Offended by your hair? I dunno, that would be between you and your hair,  
wouldn't it?

> > Guess that whole thing about the funny bone is a myth, huh. If that's  
where your sense of humor is supposed to be, I mean.

> Wesley thinks I'm funny. 

 

Guess you should be glad SOMEONE does.

> > There's NOTHING wrong with my hair.

> Of course not.

> > Okay, be honest. Is it really funny looking?

> Funny ha-ha or funny strange?

 

EITHER.

> > Look, you'd tell me if there was something wrong with my hair, right?

> Paranoid a bit there, boyo?

 

Okay, yeah, I guess maybe. Just... in Pylea, I could see my reflection. First thing I noticed was the hair. It'd been a long time since I'd seen it, you know? Was... kind of a surprise.

> > > > I don't even have a watch.

> > > I'll make note for Christmas time. ;-)

> > Ha. Very funny.

> I thought so.

I mean what do you buy for the vampire who has everything?

The watch he doesn't have.

 

Yeah, well there's a reason I don't have one.

> > > > Oh. Guess you don't either.

> > > Or a wrist to put it on.

> > Or a FUNNY BONE.

Where is that anyway, in your elbow?

> The humerous yeah.

And before you say it, no I don't have any elbows at the moment.

 

Ha. Thought so.

Um, yeah, I didn't mean that in a... whatever way. It must be weird, not really having a body.

But don't worry, we'll get ya back.

 

> > > I guess I'm taking the 'important part in the machinery' thing a bit  
literally here, huh?

> > I meant the machinery of the company. Um, the machinery that the  
company makes up. Well not MAKES UP like imagines, but, you know. Is  
composed of. That kind of thing.

What was I saying?

> I've missed you.

Even though I was, y'know, dead.

 

I missed you too. Even though you were, you know, dead.

Should I be scared that me forgetting what I was talking about is what prompted that?

> > Oh, yeah. You know, how everyone is important, all the way down to the  
lowliest cleaning person, blah blah blah.

> Or the disembodied guy in the computer system?

 

Exactly.

You're very important.

> > > > And Fred gets to play around up there figuring out how to make a  
microwave run on M&Ms or something. Again, not really, although every  
time I see her she's got a pack of those things in her hand. It might  
be a taco replacement, come to think of it.

> > > She could just like chocolate, y'know.

> > A little too much, if you ask me. 

> I dunno Harry used to be quite a chocoholic just made it easy to figure  
out what to get her for a present.

 

Oh, should I have gotten her chocolate for her birthday do you think? I got her clothes. She was really easy to shop for. I think maybe it weirded her out a little bit. Just, I remembered how much Cordy liked the clothes I got her this one time, so it seemed like a thing. To do.

> > > What exactly is a taco thing?

> > Like, you know, a THING. She had a thing for them. Like, she really  
liked them a lot.

Like the chocolate.

Haven't you ever had a thing?

> Now that's a rather personal question there, Angel, don't you think?

 

Maybe. Are we not asking personal questions now?

> > > So did he make you sing?

> > Yeah. Let's not talk about it.

> What did you sing?

 

Which time? Anyway, you probably don't want to know. Some Manilow, and then that Wang Chung thing. Once they play a song enough on the radio, sometimes you start to almost like it even though you don't, you know?

> > > You might want to see what you could do about stepping out from behind  
the beauracracy a bit.

> > I do, sometimes. Probably not enough. Everything runs so smoothly, it  
kind of seems like a shame to mess it up by stepping in and doing stuff  
myself.

> But it's driving you nuts right? So that's not running as smoothly as it could be.

 

Well, the COMPANY is. I mean, it probably would whether I was here or not.

> > > Well I can listen as well as talk if you feel like doing some of that  
making up.

> > Probably done more talking to you, here, than I have in the past few  
months. I might wear myself out, if I'm not careful.

> Don't think so. Though you might give yourself carpal tunnel talking this way.  
;-)

 

Ha ha. Laugh a minute with you.

> > > Anytime. I may not have ears right now but I can still listen.

> > Yeah. How does that work exactly?

> I dunno. Magic?

 

Magic put you there, yeah. Don't know if it's what's keeping you there.

Talked to Wes earlier, he said they've got a lead on spells for both you and Cordy. He sounded kind of distracted.

> > > Besides, you sound like you could use a vacation too.

> > I don't know. Seems a little bit like running away. I think I've spent  
enough time doing that. Time to stick around and face the music.

> No, running away is when you go and don't come back. A vacation is  
when you go for a short time to de-stress and unwind and then come back  
more ready and able to face the music.

 

Well, taking one now -- a vacation, I mean -- would feel like running away and not coming back. Until a couple of days ago, I would have said there wasn't really anything here for me to come back TO, you know?

> > > So we'll think about it. And talk about it. Maybe it'll help.

Can't hurt, can it?

> > I'm TRYING. Jeez. Does it seem to you like I'm not talking?

Sorry. I'm not mad. Just... trying to keep going, you know.

I'm trying.

> I know, Angel. I know. You're doing fine. I haven't poked you lately, have I?

 

Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks.

> > Better not to think about it. If we can figure out some way to get her  
back, she's gonna be confused, upset... no way to know how much she's  
gonna remember. I'm putting it behind me.

> We'll get her back and then we'll deal with who feels what for whom.

Maybe we can start our own soap. "All My Demons" or something.

 

Daytime TV is evil. You know that, right?

> > > I know if it had been me, I would've in a heartbeat.

Y'know, if you'd ever had feelings for me. Which you wouldn't because I'm not a  
gorgeous woman with spirit. But for the sake of the argument...

> > You think I didn't have feelings for you?

> Oh I knew we were buddies. But we're talking about romantic, make you weak in  
the knees type feelings, right?

 

Thought we were, yeah.

> You're not saying that you...

 

I'll give you whichever answer you want to hear, Doyle. Just tell me. Once it's said, kind of hard to take it back, you know? And how I feel about you... us being FRIENDS, I mean... is more important to me than anything else. So you think about it.

> > > And even if I wasn't, you're underestimating yourself. Who cares about  
breathing and eating food? What's really important is who you are, not what you are.

And who you are is someone anyone would be crazy not to choose.

> > See, now it sounds like you're flirting with me.

> And how would you feel if I was?

 

I dunno, it might give me another one of those goofy smiles that I am NOT going to put into  
type.

People flirt with me sometimes. You know, when I go places. At night, mostly. I think it's happened so many times that I don't really notice it anymore. Too wrapped up in my own... you know, stuff. Plus it never means anything.

> > Cordy and anyone else, for that matter would be better off  
without someone like me. I mean, dead. Undead. Whatever. Vampire.  
Brooding. Not so good with the talking and sharing. Don't know how to  
do the social thing.

Doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing people -- key word PEOPLE --  
would want to settle for.

> You're making that decision for everybody huh?

 

Not a decision. More an observation.

> > > Or, here's a radical thought, maybe you were reacting to real genuine  
feelings. On both sides.

> > It doesn't matter now.

> Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when Cordelia wakes up.

 

Oh yay. That sounds like so much fun.

Um, not that I don't want her to wake up.

> > > Yeah, but not as much fun. You should give yourself some of those assignments,  
keep your hand in. Find something evil and annoying to work your frustrations out on.

> > Again, I do, sometimes.

> Doesn't sound like you do it enough though.

 

Did last night. Went out and took on a whole nest of Chlarthwark demons myself. Killed about five or six, then the last two got the jump on me and held me down pretty good, beat on me. Came out of there with a broken face, but I felt... I dunno, almost alive again. It was good.

> > > Or at least go down to that fully equipped gym Wesley tells me you have and  
beat on a punching bag for a while. 

> > I do that too. More than you might want to know.

> Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime.

 

Yeah, that'd be exciting for you.

> > > Bet you're wishing yourself back to those alleys in New York  
sometimes, huh?

> > Actually, not often. But yeah, sometimes.

> Not often, huh? Guess that just shows how far you've come.

 

Most of it was probably thanks to you.

Leaving Sunnydale, leaving Buffy, that was hard. Much harder than deciding to help her in the first place.

She's good, by the way. Off in England right now with Giles, trying to figure out what to do with all these new Slayers.

> > > So this means you can stand in the sun in your office? Wow. Bet that's something.

> > Sure is.

> I'm happy for you.

:-)

See?

 

Yeah, I see.

Stupid smiley faces.

> > > You deserve a bit of sun; I know why you destroyed the Gem of Amara and respect your  
reasons, but I still say you deserved what it gave you. I wish you could've had more than the one sunset.

Guess now you can. Even if it's through glass.

> > Yeah, I guess I could. 

> So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right?

Right?

 

I... think about it. Sometimes.

Besides, can't control what other people do in their parts of the building. Not like I can order everyone to keep their shades drawn.

> > > > Nah, I guess incorrigible works pretty well.

> > > My picture's under the word's entry in the dictionary. ;-)

> > Yeah, I thought I saw it there. There's another one of you under  
'smart-ass.'

> Yeah but you love me this way.

 

Yeah. I do.

> > > Because your life (or unlife, if you prefer) is worth less than mine?

> > Yeah.

> That is, in one word, bullshit.

 

It's also true.

> > > Sorry, don't buy that.

> > You don't have to. It's just this bit of free advice I'm offering you.

> Thanks, but I think I see this situation clearer than you do.

 

I'm sure you think you do.

> > > > > I apologise for hitting you though.

> > > > Sucker punch.

> > > Hey, I'm not stupid. Anything else and you would've cleaned the floor with me.

> > Well, yeah. 

> As I said, not stupid.

 

It was a good punch. Took me by surprise, did the job. My jaw hurt for a couple of days afterward, too.

Gave me something to remember you by. For a little while.

> > > > Right. Don't hit the computers.

> > > Good man.

> > Nope, neither.

> You're both.

 

Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire.

> > > There's some stuff going on with him I think. I don't know him much yet, but I'm  
getting a vibe off of him.

> > What kind of a vibe?

You think he's sick or something?

> Not physically, but... he seems depressed.

 

You think?

Yeah. Guess I haven't been paying that much attention.

He... kinda lost someone. Someone that he was... well, I don't know if he loved her. Guess he probably did.

You think I should talk to him? Shit, not that I'd know what to say.

> > > Come on. Just one little face.

> > No means no.

> @:-[

Every time you say that I'm going to do my Angel emoticon.

 

Is that what that is? Looks more like Elvis.

God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis.

> > > If telling me is going to help you, I can deal with whatever fallout sharing  
the secret brings.

> > I don't know if it helped, but... it's kind of good not to be the only person who knows.

> It's nice to know you're not the only one carrying the burden.

 

Yeah. Maybe it shouldn't feel like that. A burden, I mean. But it does.

 

> > > If I had a mouth at the moment, it would be hanging open. Though not sure if  
that would be more for you having a son or doing what you would need to get a son with Darla.

But wow.

> > Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction when she showed up 9 months  
pregnant.

> I can bet.

Cordelia must've ripped you a new one, huh?

 

Um, actually not really. She more did that quietly disappointed thing. Tried to take care of Darla, to get back at me I think. Let Darla get the jump on her. If I hadn't gone in there when I did, Darla might have... but it was okay. Cordy was fine.

That time, I managed to save her.

> > > Tell me about him?

> > I... will at some point. Not now. Okay?

> Whenever you're ready, whatever you feel like sharing. The bad, the good, I'll  
listen to whatever you want to tell me.

 

I'm so fucking bitter, that's the thing. About all of it. That I was cheated out of watching him grow up, especially.

He was such a great baby.

When he came back, Holtz had... poisoned him. His mind, I mean. Against me. He hated me for being what I was.

What I am.

Smart kid.

> > > That would explain the incredible stubborness that he's been exhibiting about  
not talking about that time period.

> > Huh. Good to know that it's working, I guess.

> Very well if my experience is anything to go by.

 

Well you can imagine that I don't try to talk to him about it, so... your experience is pretty much the only thing we've got to go by.

> > He thinks what happened between him and me is all about Darla. It's  
still so weird to think that he doesn't remember Connor. That none of  
them do. Will, in Cordy's case.

> Whatever he does remember still seems to bother him a great deal.

 

Yeah. I mean, for the most part, replace "Connor" with "Darla" and that's what he remembers. Well, I know it's more complicated than that, but I didn't see a script or anything. Lilah dealt with that.

> > > You're a hell of a role model to look up to, my friend.

> > Jesus, don't even go thinking that. You'd be better off to look at what  
I did with my life and then go and do the exact opposite. That's how  
crappy a role model I am.

> You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I could put  
into words.

 

Don't say stuff like that. It's not true.

Plus I think it might make me blush, and not like I can look in a mirror to check.

> > > You're really endearing sometimes.

> > Thanks a lot.

> You are. 

 

Yeah, well... you're not so bad yourself.

No matter what I say about those little smiley faces, I like that YOU use them. Even if I'm not going to.

Well. Could live without the Elvis one.

> > > Yeah. Found the security systems and am starting to figure out how to tap into  
their camera feeds. Only problem is I can't tell which feed is for what place...

You've got a very big lawfirm, you know that?

> > Yeah, I know.

> Really big.

 

Uh-huh. Seen anything interesting yet?

> > Um... could you see my hair?

> Haven't found the feed to your office yet, but I'm working on it.

I'll let you know when I find it.

 

Got to say, I'm a little bit afraid to find out.

> Trust me.

 

I do.

> It was a good summary. You're better at this talking thing than you give  
yourself credit for.

 

I end up feeling like I've left so much out.

> > So Darla couldn't give birth to Connor. I don't know why, don't know  
if it was part of some prophecy, or just one of those things that  
shouldn't have been allowed to happen in the first place because, you  
know, vampires don't have kids. She staked herself to save Connor.  
Little while later, Wes found this prophecy, this other prophecy,  
saying that I was gonna kill Connor. So he took him. Stole him away  
from me. Was gonna take him to Holtz, who for some fucked up reason he  
trusted, but Justine (um, friend of Holtz's) tricked him. Cut his  
throat and left him for dead, took Connor to Holtz. 

> I... Maybe this isn't really important now, but are you sure Wesley was going to  
give him to Holtz? I mean, I haven't known him for very long or anything, but...

It wouldn't have been what I would've done. The taking Connor to keep you both  
safe, yeah, I can see that. But I would've just kept going.

Besides, if Wesley was going to give Connor to Holtz why would they attack him  
to get Connor?

 

Been sitting here looking at the keyboard for a long time.

You're right. I mean, I know you are. I already knew that.

Wesley made a lot of mistakes, but I know he thought he was doing the right thing at the time.

Sometimes it's like I need to keep believing that he was really trying to betray me, so that I can stay mad at him. Wow, that sounds really fucked up, doesn't it.

> > Holtz took Connor into Quor-toth. Hell dimension. Not a good place for  
anyone, but especially not a baby.

> Fuck. I'm sorry.

 

Me too.

> > When I found out what happened, I... well, I lost it. Went to the  
hospital where Wes was and... tried to kill him.

> While not the right thing to do, I don't think anyone could blame you under the  
circumstances. I mean...

You knew Harry and I wanted kids. If we'd had, and someone had taken my kid, I  
wouldn't have been entirely sane.

 

I'd like to blame it on that, say that I was insane with grief, but... I'm not sure it's true.

I don't think I even wanted Wesley dead, not really. I just... wanted him to know. How mad I was. How much it hurt me, that he could do something like that.

Fuck.

> > Is this all too much to take in at once? Can you save stuff to look at  
later? Well, it doesn't matter, if anything doesn't make sense, I'll  
repeat it. 

> I do seem to be able to look back on older emails. And you tell me what you feel  
like telling me when you feel like telling it. I'll keep up, promise.

 

Okay. But if you need me to repeat anything, I can do that. I can try, anyway.

> > Cordy came back. Holtz killed himself, with Justine's help, and set me  
up, made it look like I'd done it. Connor went nuts. The same night I  
was going to meet Cordy and tell her, you know, how I felt, Connor and  
Justine put me in a box and sank me to the bottom of the ocean.

> Fuck.

 

Uh-huh, that's about as eloquent as I was at the time too.

> > It was supposed to be, you know, eternal punishment.

> Yeah. More because it was Connor that did it, huh.

 

Yeah, I think so.

> > Wes was the one who got me out. I didn't deserve it, but he came after  
me. Made Justine help him. Hell, let me feed from his fucking *arm*  
when what he'd brought wasn't enough.

> Sounds like someone doing his best to atone.

 

I know. That's why I tried to tell him that things between us were okay again, after that. But he didn't really believe me, and I don't think he was wrong, not completely, you know?

> > Got back to the hotel, found out that Cordy'd disappeared the same  
night I had and no one'd seen her since.

> This would be when she'd been higher being'ed then?

 

Yeah, we're pretty sure that's when it happened. Can't say for sure, not to the hour or day or anything, but yeah.

> > And Connor had been there all summer with Fred and Gunn, pretending  
that he didn't know where I was. Told him I loved him, and threw him  
out. 

> Tough love. Good for you. That's about all you could've done at that point.

 

It was really fucking hard, and really easy, at the same time.

> > Turns out Wes had been investigating Cordy's disappearance, pointed me  
in the right direction to find out that she'd been made a Higher Being.

But then *she* came back. Except it wasn't really her, but we didn't  
know that. She was, you know, possessed or whatever. She didn't  
remember much at first, but after we did a spell to get her memory  
back, she said she'd loved me, but that she couldn't be with me because  
she'd seen all the terrible things I'd done in the past. You know, as  
Angelus. She went to Connor, and then... her and Connor...

> Christ Angel, I'm sorry.

 

I saw them. Together, I mean. It was this whole thing with this Beast, and I needed to make sure they were safe. So I went to where they were staying and... pretty much couldn't have had worse timing.

> > That's how she got pregnant. Sort of. I don't know.

> She was pregnant with your grandkid? Okay, this is really starting to sound like  
a soap opera.

Sorry. I know it's not something to be joking about.

 

No, it's okay. I know what you mean. Sometimes you've gotta laugh about it.

Well, not that I do. But I can see how if you look at it from the right angle it's funny.

> > God. Anyway, that's pretty much everything. Wes and the others think  
that it was all about Darla and Holtz. They don't remember Connor.

Only me.

> That's gotta be hard too.

> > And now you.

> Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now?

 

Yeah. More than I can say.

Thanks. And I hope you don't regret it later.

> > That little story turn you off the talking thing? I'd understand if it  
did.

> Angel, I'm more honoured than I can express that you trusted me enough to share  
this with me.

It'll take more than this to drive me off.

I'm not even sure you could.

 

Not right now anyway, you're kind of a captive audience.

This would be where the smiley face would go, if I was going to type one.

\- Angel


	6. Chapter 6

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel :-)

> > Guess I'll have to keep doing them for both of us then. How's this for you?

@:-[

> What the hell is that supposed to be? Someone with cotton candy on their head?

 

It's a bit more swirly than I would have liked to describe your hair. There's not really any keys that are completely appropriate. But at least that one gives the impression of lots of really styled hair so...

> > > > Offended by your hair? I dunno, that would be between you and your  
hair, wouldn't it?

> > > Guess that whole thing about the funny bone is a myth, huh. If that's  
where your sense of humor is supposed to be, I mean.

> > Wesley thinks I'm funny.

> Guess you should be glad SOMEONE does.

 

Harry thought I was funny. And I could make Cordelia smile sometimes too. So...

(And apparently that's how sentences are ending today: "So...")

> > > There's NOTHING wrong with my hair.

> > Of course not.

> > > Okay, be honest. Is it really funny looking?

> > Funny ha-ha or funny strange?

> EITHER.

 

It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it.

Truthfully, I don't know if I could picture you with hair different than that. It's a part of your look -- a very stylised part, but still a part.

I've always been meaning to ask you about that; you can't see yourself in the mirror or anything, what made you start using all that hair product?

> > Paranoid a bit there, boyo?

> Okay, yeah, I guess maybe. Just... in Pylea, I could see my reflection.  
First thing I noticed was the hair. It'd been a long time since I'd  
seen it, you know? Was... kind of a surprise.

 

What did you think? Was it different than you'd been thinking it looked? How?

> > I mean what do you buy for the vampire who has everything?

The watch he doesn't have.

> Yeah, well there's a reason I don't have one.

 

I can see where time might not be a big thing to want to keep track of when you're immortal.

> > > Or a FUNNY BONE.

Where is that anyway, in your elbow?

> > The humerous yeah.

And before you say it, no I don't have any elbows at the moment.

> Ha. Thought so.

:-p

> Um, yeah, I didn't mean that in a... whatever way. It must be weird,  
not really having a body.

 

It is. Though the weirdest thing is that it doesn't seem as weird as it should. If that makes any sense? I don't have a body and that thought is weird, but it's  
not like I'm a brain in a jar somewhere or anything; I can move around in here using pretty much the same impulses I'd use to move around out there. Given enough time, I'm sure this would all feel completely natural.

> But don't worry, we'll get ya back.

I believe you.

> > > I meant the machinery of the company. Um, the machinery that the  
company makes up. Well not MAKES UP like imagines, but, you know. Is  
composed of. That kind of thing.

What was I saying?

> > I've missed you.

Even though I was, y'know, dead.

> I missed you too. Even though you were, you know, dead.

Should I be scared that me forgetting what I was talking about is what  
prompted that?

 

The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that eventually you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute.

And you usually do.

> > > Oh, yeah. You know, how everyone is important, all the way down to the  
lowliest cleaning person, blah blah blah.

> > Or the disembodied guy in the computer system?

> Exactly.

You're very important.

 

:-)

Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important.

> > I dunno Harry used to be quite a chocoholic just made it easy to figure  
out what to get her for a present.

> Oh, should I have gotten her chocolate for her birthday do you think? I  
got her clothes. She was really easy to shop for. I think maybe it  
weirded her out a little bit. Just, I remembered how much Cordy liked  
the clothes I got her this one time, so it seemed like a thing. To do.

 

You could always ask Fred what she would like. Or give her some small box of chocolates or something and see if her reaction is more enthusiastic. Then  
you'll know for next time.

You bought Cordelia clothes?

> > > Haven't you ever had a thing?

> > Now that's a rather personal question there, Angel, don't you think? 

> Maybe. Are we not asking personal questions now?

 

I'm sure my response would've come off better if I'd been able to speak it aloud with my usual wit and charm. I miss having vocal inflections.

And yeah, I've had a thing or two.

> > What did you sing?

> Which time? Anyway, you probably don't want to know. Some Manilow, and  
then that Wang Chung thing. Once they play a song enough on the  
radio, sometimes you start to almost like it even though you don't, you  
know?

 

You sang more than once? Man, I made it a point never to get back up on the stage after the first-

So, Manilow, huh?

> > > I do, sometimes. Probably not enough. Everything runs so smoothly, it  
kind of seems like a shame to mess it up by stepping in and doing  
stuff myself.

> > But it's driving you nuts right? So that's not running as smoothly as  
it could be.

> Well, the COMPANY is. I mean, it probably would whether I was here or not.

 

Maybe. But if I recall correctly, without you in charge it was a smoothly running EVIL lawfirm. So you being there? Makes a difference.

> > > Probably done more talking to you, here, than I have in the past few  
months. I might wear myself out, if I'm not careful.

> > Don't think so. Though you might give yourself carpal tunnel talking this way. ;-)

> Ha ha. Laugh a minute with you.

 

Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-)

> > > > Anytime. I may not have ears right now but I can still listen.

> > > Yeah. How does that work exactly? 

> > I dunno. Magic?

> Magic put you there, yeah. Don't know if it's what's keeping you there.

 

Well since magic put me in and magic's going to get me out, makes sense that it's what's keeping me here too.

> Talked to Wes earlier, he said they've got a lead on spells for both  
you and Cordy. He sounded kind of distracted.

 

For both, huh? He mentioned that Lorne had found something but he hadn't specified which problem it was.

> > No, running away is when you go and don't come back. A vacation is  
when you go for a short time to de-stress and unwind and then come back  
more ready and able to face the music.

> Well, taking one now -- a vacation, I mean -- would feel like running  
away and not coming back. Until a couple of days ago, I would have said  
there wasn't really anything here for me to come back TO, you know?

 

Well at least when I get out of here, you and I are going to go out and...

All right, I'm trying to think of an evening activity that you wouldn't automatically consider torture and the only thing I'm coming up with is "beat something up". Help me out here. If I was taking you out for a night, what would you want to do?

> > > I'm trying.

> > I know, Angel. I know. You're doing fine. I haven't poked you lately,  
have I?

> Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks.

 

I'll find something else to poke you with.

And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended.

> > Maybe we can start our own soap. "All My Demons" or something.

> Daytime TV is evil. You know that, right?

 

Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she watched two or three religiously.

> > > You think I didn't have feelings for you?

> > Oh I knew we were buddies. But we're talking about romantic, make you  
weak in the knees type feelings, right?

> Thought we were, yeah.

 

Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings about me.

> > You're not saying that you...

> I'll give you whichever answer you want to hear, Doyle. Just tell me.  
Once it's said, kind of hard to take it back, you know? And how I feel  
about you... us being FRIENDS, I mean... is more important to me than  
anything else. So you think about it.

 

The friends thing? It's a given. It's not going to change. Don't worry about that; you're stuck with me, Angel.

So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth.

> > > > And who you are is someone anyone would be crazy not to choose.

> > > See, now it sounds like you're flirting with me.

> > And how would you feel if I was?

> I dunno, it might give me another one of those goofy smiles that I am  
NOT going to put into type.

 

Goofy smiles are of the good.

And yeah, I think I was flirting. Not that I made a conscious decision to but-

Yeah.

> People flirt with me sometimes. You know, when I go places. At night,  
mostly. I think it's happened so many times that I don't really notice  
it anymore. Too wrapped up in my own... you know, stuff. Plus it never  
means anything.

 

And if I said that this time it did mean something?

> > > Cordy and anyone else, for that matter would be better off  
without someone like me. I mean, dead. Undead. Whatever. Vampire.  
Brooding. Not so good with the talking and sharing. Don't know how to  
do the social thing.

Doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing people -- key word PEOPLE --  
would want to settle for.

> > You're making that decision for everybody huh?

> Not a decision. More an observation.

 

Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away.

And I wouldn't consider it settling either.

> > > > Or, here's a radical thought, maybe you were reacting to real genuine  
feelings. On both sides.

> > > It doesn't matter now.

> > Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when Cordelia  
wakes up.

> Oh yay. That sounds like so much fun.

 

We're going to have to.

I don't want to just be the consolation prize.

And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm talking about being that for Cordelia or you.

> Um, not that I don't want her to wake up.

I know.

> > > > Yeah, but not as much fun. You should give yourself some of those assignments, keep your hand in. Find something evil  
and annoying to work your frustrations out on.

> > > Again, I do, sometimes.

> > Doesn't sound like you do it enough though.

> Did last night. Went out and took on a whole nest of Chlarthwark demons  
myself. Killed about five or six, then the last two got the jump on me  
and held me down pretty good, beat on me. Came out of there with a  
broken face, but I felt... I dunno, almost alive again. It was good.

Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad you got to blow off some steam.

> > > > Or at least go down to that fully equipped gym Wesley tells me you  
have and beat on a punching bag for a while.

> > > I do that too. More than you might want to know.

> > Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime.

> Yeah, that'd be exciting for you.

You've no idea.

> > > > Bet you're wishing yourself back to those alleys in New York  
sometimes, huh?

> > > Actually, not often. But yeah, sometimes.

> > Not often, huh? Guess that just shows how far you've come.

> Most of it was probably thanks to you.

 

Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers.

> Leaving Sunnydale, leaving Buffy, that was hard. Much harder than  
deciding to help her in the first place.

 

Deciding to help her, you were working towards something. Leaving, you were walking away from something.

It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you.

> She's good, by the way. Off in England right now with Giles, trying to  
figure out what to do with all these new Slayers.

 

New Slayers?

> > > > So this means you can stand in the sun in your office? Wow. Bet  
that's something.

> > > Sure is.

> > I'm happy for you.

:-)

See? 

> Yeah, I see.

Stupid smiley faces.

 

Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-)

> > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right?

Right?

> I... think about it. Sometimes.

 

So that would be a no.

> Besides, can't control what other people do in their parts of the  
building. Not like I can order everyone to keep their shades drawn.

 

First thing I'm going to do when I get outta here is stand you in front of your windows and raise the shades.

I want to see you in sunlight.

> > Nah, I guess incorrigible works pretty well.

> My picture's under the word's entry in the dictionary. ;-)

> > > Yeah, I thought I saw it there. There's another one of you under  
'smart-ass.'

> > Yeah but you love me this way.

> Yeah. I do.

 

:-)

In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say love you mean....?

> > > > Because your life (or unlife, if you prefer) is worth less than mine?

> > > Yeah.

> > That is, in one word, bullshit.

> It's also true. 

 

No, y'see, when something is bullshit, then by definition it's not true. It's a load of... untrue things.

> > > > Sorry, don't buy that.

> > > You don't have to. It's just this bit of free advice I'm offering you.

> > Thanks, but I think I see this situation clearer than you do.

> I'm sure you think you do.

 

What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you about your expendability, I'm wrong?

> > > > > > I apologise for hitting you though.

> > > > > Sucker punch.

> > > > Hey, I'm not stupid. Anything else and you would've cleaned the floor with me.

> > > Well, yeah.

> > As I said, not stupid.

> It was a good punch. Took me by surprise, did the job. My jaw hurt for  
a couple of days afterward, too.

 

Well there was a lot of adrenaline in my system at the time. Just because I knew what I had to do didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless.

> Gave me something to remember you by. For a little while.

 

So I gave you a bruise and Cordelia the visions.

I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of momentos, did I?

> > > > Good man.

> > > Nope, neither.

> > You're both.

> Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire.

 

So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh?

> > > You think he's sick or something?

> > Not physically, but... he seems depressed.

> You think?

Yeah. Guess I haven't been paying that much attention.

He... kinda lost someone. Someone that he was... well, I don't know if  
he loved her. Guess he probably did.

 

Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her.

> You think I should talk to him? Shit, not that I'd know what to say.

 

I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here just out of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it is he remembers doing against him.

> > > No means no.

> > @:-[

Every time you say that I'm going to do my Angel emoticon.

> Is that what that is? Looks more like Elvis.

 

Elvis with fangs?

> God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis.

 

Certainly not late Elvis.

Maybe a little like early Elvis.

Y'know, back when he was hot.

> > > I don't know if it helped, but... it's kind of good not to be the only  
person who knows.

> > It's nice to know you're not the only one carrying the burden.

> Yeah. Maybe it shouldn't feel like that. A burden, I mean. But it does.

 

None of us are meant to carry that kind of thing alone. That's why we have this handy talent known as communication.

> > > Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction when she showed up 9 months pregnant.

> > I can bet.

Cordelia must've ripped you a new one, huh?

> Um, actually not really. She more did that quietly disappointed thing.  
Tried to take care of Darla, to get back at me I think. Let Darla get  
the jump on her. If I hadn't gone in there when I did, Darla might  
have... but it was okay. Cordy was fine.

 

The ol' cold shoulder treatment. Yeah, could see her doing that.

> That time, I managed to save her.

 

We'll save her this time too, Angel.

Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will.

> > Whenever you're ready, whatever you feel like sharing. The bad, the  
good, I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me.

> I'm so fucking bitter, that's the thing. About all of it. That I was  
cheated out of watching him grow up, especially.

 

That's natural, Angel. I'd be worried if you weren't bitter about missing out on his childhood. I know I would be in your shoes.

> He was such a great baby.

 

And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost all the physical momentos you had of him. No pictures or anything.

I'm sorry.

Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those memories for you.

> When he came back, Holtz had... poisoned him. His mind, I mean. Against  
me. He hated me for being what I was.

What I am.

 

If he was raised by a vampire hunter who had a vendetta against you, then yeah.  
And poisoned is the right word to use here, Angel. He had that attitude, those thoughts, put into him. It wasn't his choice. And it wasn't his opinion formed by watching and judging you. It was imposed by an outside force.

> Smart kid.

 

Poor kid.

Y'know I wish I could get my non-existent hands on this Holtz character. I'd impose a few opinions of my own on him. To use a child like that...

> > > > That would explain the incredible stubborness that he's been  
exhibiting about not talking about that time period.

> > > Huh. Good to know that it's working, I guess.

> > Very well if my experience is anything to go by.

> Well you can imagine that I don't try to talk to him about it, so...  
your experience is pretty much the only thing we've got to go by.

 

Yeah it would be, since everyone else would be bespelled to avoid the topic too.

> > > He thinks what happened between him and me is all about Darla. It's  
still so weird to think that he doesn't remember Connor. That none of  
them do. Will, in Cordy's case.

> > Whatever he does remember still seems to bother him a great deal.

> Yeah. I mean, for the most part, replace "Connor" with "Darla" and  
that's what he remembers. Well, I know it's more complicated than that,  
but I didn't see a script or anything. Lilah dealt with that.

 

Lilah?

> > You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I could put  
into words.

> Don't say stuff like that. It's not true.

 

It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know.

> Plus I think it might make me blush, and not like I can look in a  
mirror to check.

 

Can you blush?

> > > > You're really endearing sometimes.

> > > Thanks a lot.

> > You are.

> Yeah, well... you're not so bad yourself.

No matter what I say about those little smiley faces, I like that YOU  
use them. Even if I'm not going to.

 

:-) Thanks. I need something to show my emotions. Don't have hands to gesture with, or a face to make expressions with. Feels positively indecent to talk without some sort of ability to display emotions.

> Well. Could live without the Elvis one.

 

You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[

> > > > Yeah. Found the security systems and am starting to figure out how to  
tap into their camera feeds. Only problem is I can't tell which feed is for  
what place...

You've got a very big lawfirm, you know that?

> > > Yeah, I know.

> > Really big.

> Uh-huh. Seen anything interesting yet?

 

Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking through... Your office would be the biggest one, right?

> > > Um... could you see my hair?

> > Haven't found the feed to your office yet, but I'm working on it.

I'll let you know when I find it.

> Got to say, I'm a little bit afraid to find out.

 

I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I died. You were fine back then. In all meanings of the term.

> > It was a good summary. You're better at this talking thing than you give  
yourself credit for. 

> I end up feeling like I've left so much out.

 

Well, it's a huge, important part of your life. Of course you're going to feel like you left stuff out if you didn't tell me every single little detail.

But don't worry. All the important little details have a way of coming out in the conversation.

> > I... Maybe this isn't really important now, but are you sure Wesley was going to  
give him to Holtz? I mean, I haven't known him for very long or anything, but...

It wouldn't have been what I would've done. The taking Connor to keep  
you both safe, yeah, I can see that. But I would've just kept going.

Besides, if Wesley was going to give Connor to Holtz why would they  
attack him to get Connor?

> Been sitting here looking at the keyboard for a long time.

You're right. I mean, I know you are. I already knew that.

Wesley made a lot of mistakes, but I know he thought he was doing the  
right thing at the time.

Sometimes it's like I need to keep believing that he was really trying  
to betray me, so that I can stay mad at him. Wow, that sounds really  
fucked up, doesn't it.

 

I can get that. It hurt you *a lot* what happened. Moreso because you trusted Wesley so much, I'm guessing. If you stay mad at him, you don't have to forgive him and let him back in. If you don't let him back in, he can't get close again. If he can't get close again he doesn't have the same kind of power to hurt you.

But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again?

> > > Holtz took Connor into Quor-toth. Hell dimension. Not a good place for  
anyone, but especially not a baby.

> > Fuck. I'm sorry.

> Me too.

 

I wish... well there's nothing I can do about it from where I am now. I don't know if there would've been anything I could've done if I'd been there then.

But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have done anything.

> > > When I found out what happened, I... well, I lost it. Went to the  
hospital where Wes was and... tried to kill him.

> > While not the right thing to do, I don't think anyone could blame you  
under the circumstances. I mean...

You knew Harry and I wanted kids. If we'd had, and someone had taken my  
kid, I wouldn't have been entirely sane.

> I'd like to blame it on that, say that I was insane with grief, but...  
I'm not sure it's true.

I don't think I even wanted Wesley dead, not really. I just... wanted  
him to know. How mad I was. How much it hurt me, that he could do  
something like that.

 

That's part of the insane with grief gig, Angel. You'd lost your *son*. You couldn't get at Holtz; Wesley was the only one you could get to. Of course you wanted to make him hurt as much as you did.

But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and keep Wesley at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much as you're afraid of what he can do to you?

> > I do seem to be able to look back on older emails. And you tell me  
what you feel like telling me when you feel like telling it. I'll keep up, promise.

> Okay. But if you need me to repeat anything, I can do that. I can try,  
anyway.

 

You're doing fine. Really.

> > > Cordy came back. Holtz killed himself, with Justine's help, and set me  
up, made it look like I'd done it. Connor went nuts. The same night I  
was going to meet Cordy and tell her, you know, how I felt, Connor and  
Justine put me in a box and sank me to the bottom of the ocean.

> > Fuck.

> Uh-huh, that's about as eloquent as I was at the time too.

 

I can imagine. Though your "Fuck" was probably a bit more soggy...

Inappropriate humour again. Sorry. I just... If I don't laugh at it, I'm going to get all caught up in the thought of you down there all alone, trapped, and I...

I've already discovered I can't cry without a body.

> > > It was supposed to be, you know, eternal punishment.

> > Yeah. More because it was Connor that did it, huh.

> Yeah, I think so.

 

Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here.

> > > Wes was the one who got me out. I didn't deserve it, but he came after  
me. Made Justine help him. Hell, let me feed from his fucking *arm*  
when what he'd brought wasn't enough.

> > Sounds like someone doing his best to atone.

> I know. That's why I tried to tell him that things between us were okay  
again, after that. But he didn't really believe me, and I don't think  
he was wrong, not completely, you know?

 

Yeah. Because you're scared to completely trust him again.

And... not saying what you did wasn't understandable, but maybe hewants an acknowledgement that trying to kill him is something you feel sorry  
for.

> > > Got back to the hotel, found out that Cordy'd disappeared the same  
night I had and no one'd seen her since.

> > This would be when she'd been higher being'ed then?

> Yeah, we're pretty sure that's when it happened. Can't say for sure,  
not to the hour or day or anything, but yeah.

 

That still boggles my mind -- Cordelia as a higher being. Though I can see it. She's as beautiful as an angel; not much of a stretch to see her as an actual one.

> > > And Connor had been there all summer with Fred and Gunn, pretending  
that he didn't know where I was. Told him I loved him, and threw him out.

> > Tough love. Good for you. That's about all you could've done at that point.

> It was really fucking hard, and really easy, at the same time. 

 

Because you love him and he's your son, but he'd also dumped you at the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, that deserves something a bit more than being sent to his room.

> > > But then *she* came back. Except it wasn't really her, but we didn't  
know that. She was, you know, possessed or whatever. She didn't  
remember much at first, but after we did a spell to get her memory  
back, she said she'd loved me, but that she couldn't be with me  
because she'd seen all the terrible things I'd done in the past. You know, as  
Angelus. She went to Connor, and then... her and Connor...

> > Christ Angel, I'm sorry.

> I saw them. Together, I mean. It was this whole thing with this Beast,  
and I needed to make sure they were safe. So I went to where they were  
staying and... pretty much couldn't have had worse timing.

 

No shit. That had to be... God.

And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to anyone, let out how you were feeling.

> > > That's how she got pregnant. Sort of. I don't know.

> > She was pregnant with your grandkid? Okay, this is really starting to  
sound like a soap opera.

Sorry. I know it's not something to be joking about.

> No, it's okay. I know what you mean. Sometimes you've gotta laugh about it.

 

It's either laugh or cry and since I can't physically do the latter at the moment...

> Well, not that I do. But I can see how if you look at it from the right  
angle it's funny.

 

There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But man... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel.

> > Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now?

> Yeah. More than I can say.

Thanks. And I hope you don't regret it later. 

 

I won't.

> > > That little story turn you off the talking thing? I'd understand if it  
did.

> > Angel, I'm more honoured than I can express that you trusted me enough  
to share this with me.

It'll take more than this to drive me off.

I'm not even sure you could.

> Not right now anyway, you're kind of a captive audience.

 

Not any time. Captive audience or not.

> This would be where the smiley face would go, if I was going to type  
one.

 

:-) Well that's the first step toward using one...

Doyle

__________

 

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

Wesley says he's been really busy, but he'll get back to you in the next couple of hours. He didn't want you to think he was ignoring you or anything.

> > > @:-[

> > What the hell is that supposed to be? Someone with cotton candy on  
their head?

> It a bit more swirly than I would have liked to describe your hair. There's not  
really any keys that are completely appropriate. But at last that one give the  
impression of lots of really styled hair so...

 

It's NOT that styled. I don't know why people think it is. I mean, I hardly do anything to it. Heck, half the time I can't even find my hairbrush, which is really weird because I always use it in the bathroom.

> > > Wesley thinks I'm funny.

> > Guess you should be glad SOMEONE does.

> Harry thought I was funny. And I could make Cordelia smile sometimes too. So...

(And apparently that's how sentences are ending today: "So...")

 

Okay, okay, you're funny.

Feel better?

> > > > Okay, be honest. Is it really funny looking?

> > > Funny ha-ha or funny strange?

> > EITHER.

> It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it.

 

Again, I really don't.

> Truthfully, I don't know if I could picture you with hair different than that.  
It's a part of your look -- a very stylised part, but still a part.

I've always been meaning to ask you about that; you can't see yourself in the  
mirror or anything, what made you start using all that hair product?

 

It's not that much. Honest. One little bit of this gel stuff, rub it in, brush hair, muss with fingers. That's it, I swear.

> > > Paranoid a bit there, boyo?

> > Okay, yeah, I guess maybe. Just... in Pylea, I could see my reflection.  
First thing I noticed was the hair. It'd been a long time since I'd  
seen it, you know? Was... kind of a surprise.

> What did you think? Was it different than you'd been thinking it looked? How?

 

I don't know I guess it was longer than I thought it was, which is weird because it USED to be much longer. Now that I keep it short, I guess I just thought, you know, it'd be short. But it kind of stuck up.

I'd kind of forgotten what I looked like.

> > > The watch he doesn't have.

> > Yeah, well there's a reason I don't have one.

> I can see where time might not be a big thing to want to keep track of when  
you're immortal.

 

Uh-huh. Plus without one, if I'm late for something, I can say "Sorry, I forgot my watch." No one ever seems to notice that I NEVER have one.

> > > And before you say it, no I don't have any elbows at the moment.

> > Ha. Thought so.

> :-p

> > Um, yeah, I didn't mean that in a... whatever way. It must be weird,  
not really having a body.

> It is. Though the weirdest thing is that it doesn't seem as weird as it should.  
If that makes any sense? I don't have a body and that thought is weird, but it's  
not like I'm a brain in a jar somewhere or anything; I can move around in here  
using pretty much the same impulses I'd use to move around out there. Given  
enough time, I'm sure this would all feel completely natural.

 

The way not needing to breathe or eat does to vampires. Yeah. Takes a little while to get used to, but once you do...

> > But don't worry, we'll get ya back.

> I believe you.

 

You'd better.

> > > I've missed you.

Even though I was, y'know, dead.

> > I missed you too. Even though you were, you know, dead.

Should I be scared that me forgetting what I was talking about is what  
prompted that?

> The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that eventually  
you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute. 

 

God, cute? Sorry. I'll try to stop doing it then.

> And you usually do.

 

Probably dumb luck.

> > You're very important.

> :-)

Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important.

 

You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the beginning. And not just because of the visions.

> > Oh, should I have gotten her chocolate for her birthday do you think? I  
got her clothes. She was really easy to shop for. I think maybe it  
weirded her out a little bit. Just, I remembered how much Cordy liked  
the clothes I got her this one time, so it seemed like a thing. To do.

> You could always ask Fred what she would like. Or give her some small box of  
chocolates or something and see if her reaction is more enthusiastic. Then  
you'll know for next time.

 

Good idea.

I wasn't sure about the box of chocolates thing, so I got her a really big bag of M&Ms. She was really happy, or at least pretended like she was.

> You bought Cordelia clothes?

 

Had to. I gave the rest of them away, and she was pissed at me. Well, she wasn't really pissed at me because of the clothes, more because I fired her.

Another long story. When W&H brought Darla back, I was... kind of obsessed. And not in the good way. I could feel myself sinking, getting pulled under, you know? And I didn't want to drag Cordy and Wes and Gunn with me, so I fired them. Figured if they were away from me, at least I couldn't get them hurt.

Of course, turns out Wes goes and gets himself shot, so that didn't even work out the way I wanted it to.

But anyway, while they were gone I took all the stuff Cordy'd left at the hotel to this shelter, and when she came back and found out all her stuff was gone, she was pissed. Plus she couldn't really forgive me for the whole firing thing. I was trying to do something nice for her, you know, make things better between us, so I bought her a bunch of clothes. She was... pretty happy.

> > > Now that's a rather personal question there, Angel, don't you think?

> > Maybe. Are we not asking personal questions now?

> I'm sure my response would've come off better if I'd been able to speak it aloud  
with my usual wit and charm. I miss having vocal inflections.

And yeah, I've had a thing or two.

 

There, was that so hard to admit?

> > > What did you sing?

> > Which time? Anyway, you probably don't want to know. Some Manilow, and  
then that Wang Chung thing. Once they play a song enough on the  
radio, sometimes you start to almost like it even though you don't, you  
know?

> You sang more than once? Man, I made it a point never to get back up on the  
stage after the first-

 

Okay, I told you about me, it's only fair that you tell me.

Ante up.

> So, Manilow, huh?

 

I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty.

> > > But it's driving you nuts right? So that's not running as smoothly as  
it could be.

> > Well, the COMPANY is. I mean, it probably would whether I was here or not.

> Maybe. But if I recall correctly, without you in charge it was a smoothly  
running EVIL lawfirm. So you being there? Makes a difference.

 

Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this office and things wouldn't be any different here.

> > Ha ha. Laugh a minute with you. 

> Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-)

 

Natural SOMETHING.

> > Magic put you there, yeah. Don't know if it's what's keeping you there.

> Well since magic put me in and magic's going to get me out, makes sense that  
it's what's keeping me here too.

 

I guess. Maybe. I don't think I know enough about it.

> > Talked to Wes earlier, he said they've got a lead on spells for both  
you and Cordy. He sounded kind of distracted.

> For both, huh? He mentioned that Lorne had found something but he hadn't  
specified which problem it was.

 

I think it was one for you they found first, but then this one for Cordy showed up and I think they're focusing on that. Not because you're a lower priority, but because of the whole time thing. You know, longer someone's in a coma, less likely they are to come out of it. Plus something about this spell, it has to be performed on a certain night, like with the moon in a certain phase or something, and if they don't get it in time we'll have to wait another month.

> > Well, taking one now -- a vacation, I mean -- would feel like running  
away and not coming back. Until a couple of days ago, I would have said  
there wasn't really anything here for me to come back TO, you know?

> Well at least when I get out of here, you and I are going to go out and...

All right, I'm trying to think of an evening activity that you wouldn't  
automatically consider torture and the only thing I'm coming up with is "beat  
something up". Help me out here. If I was taking you out for a night, what would  
you want to do?

 

I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us, you know? Not forced conversation or anything.

Maybe that sounds boring though.

> > Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks.

> I'll find something else to poke you with.

And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended. 

 

Heh.

> > > Maybe we can start our own soap. "All My Demons" or something.

> > Daytime TV is evil. You know that, right?

> Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she watched two or  
three religiously.

 

I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast and I could never figure out what anyone's name was.

> > > Oh I knew we were buddies. But we're talking about romantic, make you weak in the  
knees type feelings, right?

> > Thought we were, yeah.

> Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings about me.

 

Really?

> > > You're not saying that you...

> > I'll give you whichever answer you want to hear, Doyle. Just tell me.  
Once it's said, kind of hard to take it back, you know? And how I feel  
about you... us being FRIENDS, I mean... is more important to me than  
anything else. So you think about it.

> The friends thing? It's a given. It's not going to change. Don't worry about  
that; you're stuck with me, Angel.

So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth.

 

Okay.

Wow, this is hard.

Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too.

God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to, you know, kind of... use you, like that.

> > > > See, now it sounds like you're flirting with me.

> > > And how would you feel if I was?

> > I dunno, it might give me another one of those goofy smiles that I am  
NOT going to put into type.

> Goofy smiles are of the good.

And yeah, I think I was flirting. Not that I made a conscious decision to but-

Yeah.

 

Okay, so...

Um.

Back into that place where I'm not sure what to say.

> > People flirt with me sometimes. You know, when I go places. At night,  
mostly. I think it's happened so many times that I don't really notice  
it anymore. Too wrapped up in my own... you know, stuff. Plus it never  
means anything.

> And if I said that this time it did mean something?

 

I'm...

Jesus, Doyle. Don't do this to me. Please. It's been a hell of a long time since I was able to have anything like that, and even though things are different now, I don't...

> > > You're making that decision for everybody huh?

> > Not a decision. More an observation.

> Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away.

And I wouldn't consider it settling either.

 

Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please.

> > > Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when Cordelia  
wakes up. 

> > Oh yay. That sounds like so much fun.

> We're going to have to.

I don't want to just be the consolation prize.

 

You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone would be lucky to have you.

> And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm talking about  
being that for Cordelia or you.

 

Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You deserve to be happy. Seriously.

> > Um, not that I don't want her to wake up.

> I know.

 

Would I sound like a complete ass if I said I want her to wake up, but I'm kinda scared of what might happen when she does?

> > Did last night. Went out and took on a whole nest of Chlarthwark demons  
myself. Killed about five or six, then the last two got the jump on me  
and held me down pretty good, beat on me. Came out of there with a  
broken face, but I felt... I dunno, almost alive again. It was good.

> Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad you got  
to blow off some steam.

 

I'm okay. Some extra blood, an ice pack, good as new. Or will be in another twenty-four hours.

It's actually one of the perks of working for W&H -- plentiful blood supply.

> > > Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime.

> > Yeah, that'd be exciting for you.

> You've no idea.

 

Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most boring things to look at.

> > > Not often, huh? Guess that just shows how far you've come.

> > Most of it was probably thanks to you.

> Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers.

 

You're kidding, right? You did a lot more than that. You brought me out of myself, showed me that it was okay for me to have friends.

It meant a lot.

> > Leaving Sunnydale, leaving Buffy, that was hard. Much harder than  
deciding to help her in the first place.

> Deciding to help her, you were working towards something. Leaving, you were  
walking away from something.

It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you.

 

Tell me about it.

> > She's good, by the way. Off in England right now with Giles, trying to  
figure out what to do with all these new Slayers.

> New Slayers?

 

There was this whole apocalypse thing in Sunnydale -- oh, which by the way is gone now -- and Buffy's solution, her way to win the war, was to share her Slayer powers with every girl in the world who had the potential to be the next Slayer. So there're an awful lot of young, very powerful girls running around, not knowing what to do with themselves. And the Watcher's Council -- the building, along with most of the Watchers -- got blown up, so Giles has his hands full trying to rebuild, and everything, all at once.

See what happens when you go and die? Awful lot to catch up on when you come back. Remember this, and don't die again.

> > Stupid smiley faces.

> Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-)

 

I guess I'm starting to get used to them.

> > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right?

Right?

> > I... think about it. Sometimes.

> So that would be a no.

 

That would be a no. So far.

> > Besides, can't control what other people do in their parts of the  
building. Not like I can order everyone to keep their shades drawn.

> First thing I'm going to do when I get outta here is stand you in  
front of your windows and raise the shades.

I want to see you in sunlight.

 

That's... I don't know what to say.

Thanks? I think.

> > > Yeah but you love me this way.

> > Yeah. I do.

> :-)

In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say love you  
mean....?

 

Just what I said.

> > > That is, in one word, bullshit.

> > It's also true.

> No, y'see, when something is bullshit, then by definition it's not true. It's a  
load of... untrue things.

 

Doyle, do you have ANY real idea of how many completely horrible things I did as Angelus? I have to think no, because if you did there wouldn't be a question of which one of us deserved to die more.

> > > Thanks, but I think I see this situation clearer than you do.

> > I'm sure you think you do. 

> What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you  
about your expendability, I'm wrong?

 

Yeah.

Sorry. I don't even know for sure what I mean. I'm just... tired.

> > It was a good punch. Took me by surprise, did the job. My jaw hurt for  
a couple of days afterward, too.

> Well there was a lot of adrenaline in my system at the time. Just because I knew  
what I had to do didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless.

 

Yeah, adrenaline's powerful stuff.

Just don't do it again, okay? Ever.

> > Gave me something to remember you by. For a little while.

> So I gave you a bruise and Cordelia the visions.

I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of momentos, did I?

 

I was grateful for it. I think, when you can ask Cordy, you'll find out there's part of her that was too.

> > Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire.

> So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh?

 

You're alive. That counts for a lot more than you'd think.

> > He... kinda lost someone. Someone that he was... well, I don't know if  
he loved her. Guess he probably did.

> Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her.

 

I think you're right.

> > You think I should talk to him? Shit, not that I'd know what to say.

> I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here just out  
of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it is he  
remembers doing against him.

 

Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try.

> > > @:-[

Every time you say that I'm going to do my Angel emoticon.

> > Is that what that is? Looks more like Elvis.

> Elvis with fangs?

 

Hey, there are still people reporting sightings of Elvis. If that's true, don't you think he's probably a vampire?

> > God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis.

> Certainly not late Elvis.

Maybe a little like early Elvis.

Y'know, back when he was hot.

 

Oh God.

> > Yeah. Maybe it shouldn't feel like that. A burden, I mean. But it does.

> None of us are meant to carry that kind of thing alone. That's why we have this  
handy talent known as communication.

 

Thanks.

I mean it.

> > > Cordelia must've ripped you a new one, huh?

> > Um, actually not really. She more did that quietly disappointed thing.  
Tried to take care of Darla, to get back at me I think. Let Darla get  
the jump on her. If I hadn't gone in there when I did, Darla might  
have... but it was okay. Cordy was fine.

> The ol' cold shoulder treatment. Yeah, could see her doing that.

 

Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it.

Luckily, most of the time she just yells.

> > That time, I managed to save her.

> We'll save her this time too, Angel.

Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will.

 

Yeah. We will.

I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before it got this bad.

> > I'm so fucking bitter, that's the thing. About all of it. That I was  
cheated out of watching him grow up, especially.

> That's natural, Angel. I'd be worried if you weren't bitter about missing out on  
his childhood. I know I would be in your shoes.

> > He was such a great baby.

> And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost all the  
physical momentos you had of him. No pictures or anything.

 

You're right. I actually tried to save one -- hid it, tried not to think about it, in case that would help. But it disappeared right along with all the others.

> I'm sorry.

 

It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if anyone had found it.

> Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those memories for you.

 

He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he did have was so soft...

Sorry. I can't do this.

> > When he came back, Holtz had... poisoned him. His mind, I mean. Against  
me. He hated me for being what I was.

What I am. 

> If he was raised by a vampire hunter who had a vendetta against you, then yeah.  
And poisoned is the right word to use here, Angel. He had that attitude, those  
thoughts, put into him. It wasn't his choice. And it wasn't his opinion formed by  
watching and judging you. It was imposed by an outside force.

> > Smart kid.

> Poor kid.

Y'know I wish I could get my non-existent hands on this Holtz character. I'd  
impose a few opinions of my own on him. To use a child like that...

 

Well, like I said, he's dead. Holtz, I mean, though actually Connor might as well be too. He's got a different name now, doesn't remember any of it. Thinks he grew up in this perfect family...

At least he got a second chance.

And I didn't blame Connor for how he felt about me. Not like it wasn't based on fact.

> > Well you can imagine that I don't try to talk to him about it, so...  
your experience is pretty much the only thing we've got to go by.

> Yeah it would be, since everyone else would be bespelled to avoid the topic too.

 

Yeah, think that was part of the point too.

> > > Whatever he does remember still seems to bother him a great deal.

> > Yeah. I mean, for the most part, replace "Connor" with "Darla" and  
that's what he remembers. Well, I know it's more complicated than that,  
but I didn't see a script or anything. Lilah dealt with that.

> Lilah?

 

She worked for W&H, for years. Evil lawyer bitch type, pretty much. She was the one that Wes... you know. She got killed, but what with Wolfram and Hart's whole perpetuity clause thing, her contract extended beyond death, so W&H used her to get us set up here.

Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with an offer you can't refuse.

Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway.

> > > You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I  
could put into words. 

> > Don't say stuff like that. It's not true.

> It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know.

 

Okay, you go right ahead and think that, just don't SAY it.

> > Plus I think it might make me blush, and not like I can look in a  
mirror to check.

> Can you blush?

 

I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving around.

> > No matter what I say about those little smiley faces, I like that YOU  
use them. Even if I'm not going to.

> :-) Thanks. I need something to show my emotions. Don't have hands to  
gesture with, or a face to make expressions with. Feels positively indecent to  
talk without some sort of ability to display emotions.

 

Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the way things are now.

But don't worry.

You're not, are you? Worried? That we won't get you out? Because we will. I swear it.

> > Well. Could live without the Elvis one.

> You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[

 

Really, no.

Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog."

> > Uh-huh. Seen anything interesting yet?

> Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking through...  
Your office would be the biggest one, right?

 

I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how mine compares.

Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty in my head.

> > Got to say, I'm a little bit afraid to find out. 

> I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I died. You  
were fine back then. In all meanings of the term.

 

Um.

Thanks.

> > > It was a good summary. You're better at this talking thing than you  
give yourself credit for.

> > I end up feeling like I've left so much out.

> Well, it's a huge, important part of your life. Of course you're going to feel  
like you left stuff out if you didn't tell me every single little detail.

But don't worry. All the important little details have a way of coming out in  
the conversation.

 

Okay. I mean, I'll try not to worry about it.

Plus ask questions if you want to, and I'll try to answer them.

> > > Besides, if Wesley was going to give Connor to Holtz why would they  
attack him to get Connor?

> > Been sitting here looking at the keyboard for a long time.

You're right. I mean, I know you are. I already knew that.

Wesley made a lot of mistakes, but I know he thought he was doing the  
right thing at the time.

Sometimes it's like I need to keep believing that he was really trying  
to betray me, so that I can stay mad at him. Wow, that sounds really  
fucked up, doesn't it.

> I can get that. It hurt you *a lot* what happened. Moreso because you trusted  
Wesley so much, I'm guessing. If you stay mad at him, you don't have to forgive  
him and let him back in. If you don't let him back in, he can't get close again.  
If he can't get close again he doesn't have the same kind of power to hurt you.

But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you and  
Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again?

 

I guess the answer is: I don't know.

It's hard.

On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose. Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back.

> > > > Holtz took Connor into Quor-toth. Hell dimension. Not a good place for  
anyone, but especially not a baby.

> > > Fuck. I'm sorry.

> > Me too.

> I wish... well there's nothing I can do about it from where I am now. I don't  
know if there would've been anything I could've done if I'd been there then.

But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have done  
anything.

 

Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts.

> > I'd like to blame it on that, say that I was insane with grief, but...  
I'm not sure it's true.

I don't think I even wanted Wesley dead, not really. I just... wanted  
him to know. How mad I was. How much it hurt me, that he could do  
something like that.

> That's part of the insane with grief gig, Angel. You'd lost your *son*. You  
couldn't get at Holtz; Wesley was the only one you could get to. Of course you  
wanted to make him hurt as much as you did.

But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and keep Wesley  
at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much as you're  
afraid of what he can do to you?

 

Maybe.

I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do.

> > > I do seem to be able to look back on older emails. And you tell me  
what you feel like telling me when you feel like telling it. I'll keep up, promise.

> > Okay. But if you need me to repeat anything, I can do that. I can try, anyway. 

> You're doing fine. Really.

 

Thanks.

> I can imagine. Though your "Fuck" was probably a bit more soggy...

Inappropriate humour again. Sorry. I just... If I don't laugh at it, I'm going  
to get all caught up in the thought of you down there all alone, trapped, and  
I...

I've already discovered I can't cry without a body.

 

Shit. Are you okay? I mean, here I am going on and on and you're STUCK in there and... it feels like there isn't anything I can do. Is there anything I can do? To help?

Maybe all this heavy conversation should wait until you're out of there.

> > > > It was supposed to be, you know, eternal punishment.

> > > Yeah. More because it was Connor that did it, huh.

> > Yeah, I think so.

> Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here.

 

There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him.

> > I know. That's why I tried to tell him that things between us were okay  
again, after that. But he didn't really believe me, and I don't think  
he was wrong, not completely, you know?

> Yeah. Because you're scared to completely trust him again.

And... not saying what you did wasn't understandable, but maybe he  
wants an acknowledgement that trying to kill him is something you feel sorry  
for.

 

Yeah.

Yeah, you might be right. About the apology thing.

Wouldn't mind hearing him say it either.

> > > This would be when she'd been higher being'ed then? 

> > Yeah, we're pretty sure that's when it happened. Can't say for sure,  
not to the hour or day or anything, but yeah.

> That still boggles my mind -- Cordelia as a higher being. Though I can see it.  
She's as beautiful as an angel; not much of a stretch to see her as an actual one.

 

I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went through with the visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from it all, you know?

> > It was really fucking hard, and really easy, at the same time.

> Because you love him and he's your son, but he'd also dumped you at the bottom  
of the ocean. Yeah, that deserves something a bit more than being sent to his  
room.

 

It doesn't matter now. It's done.

> > I saw them. Together, I mean. It was this whole thing with this Beast,  
and I needed to make sure they were safe. So I went to where they were  
staying and... pretty much couldn't have had worse timing.

> No shit. That had to be... God.

And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to anyone, let out  
how you were feeling.

 

There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt.

It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both.

> > No, it's okay. I know what you mean. Sometimes you've gotta laugh about  
it.

> It's either laugh or cry and since I can't physically do the latter at the  
moment...

 

I'm here, you know. If you want to talk about anything.

I'm much better at listening than I am at talking.

> > Well, not that I do. But I can see how if you look at it from the right  
angle it's funny. 

> There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But man...  
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel.

 

It's done, you know? Time to move on, I guess.

> > > Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now?

> > Yeah. More than I can say.

Thanks. And I hope you don't regret it later.

> I won't.

 

I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much.

> > > It'll take more than this to drive me off.

I'm not even sure you could.

> > Not right now anyway, you're kind of a captive audience.

> Not any time. Captive audience or not.

 

Thanks.

> > This would be where the smiley face would go, if I was going to type  
one.

> :-) Well that's the first step toward using one...

 

Which I'm not going to do.

You okay in there? I mean really?

Would you tell me if you weren't?

\- Angel


	7. Chapter 7

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Wesley :-)

> > So you've been a teacher too.

> I suppose so. I don't know if I ever thought of it in quite that manner;  
more that I was to guide the Slayer. Although of course maintaining  
and improving her skill level was important as well.

 

Guide, teach, pretty much the same thing when you get down to it. Or close to it. Both are just words for helping prepare a person to better take on the challenges in life.

> > There was a time when he didn't care enough to try and hide that he was  
brooding; now he's got people he doesn't want worrying about him (or lecturing  
him, just as like) so he hides it.

> There was also a time when it almost seemed to me that he was going to  
get past that tendency, a time when his brooding almost seemed...  
behind him. Sadly, it didn't last.

 

Poor guy just can't catch a break.

> I suppose it's more that I'm isolating myself. I lost someone that I  
cared for -- someone I shouldn't have let myself care for -- and it's  
difficult to put that behind me completely, as much as I realize that I  
ought to.

 

Maybe you can't put it behind you because you're not ready to. If you haven't dealt with your feelings and what's happened to the someone in question...

> > Don't know if it'll help but I didn't have to "stretch" too far to  
reach the security feeds.

> It's possible that might help, thank you.

 

No problem. I haven't gotten much further than the security feeds, as being able to see again even in this limited way is pretty intoxicating.

> > Think maybe someone would want to make it into a movie or something?  
Tron II -- the real story?

Nah, probably not.

> Tron? 

 

Movie from the early 80s about a guy who gets sucked into a computer.

> And you never know, people seem to make movies about all sorts of  
things these days.

 

Yeah, that's the truth.

> > Do you know he can't forgive you? Or are you just assuming based  
on amount of broodage?

> Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's  
not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not  
convinced they're the sorts of things people get past.

 

So you think he's lying?

> > If you could find some forces of evil he could pound on for a bit, I'm  
sure that would help a lot.

> He does do some of that. It's not as though there's a shortage of evil  
in L.A. If he sometimes chooses to let the dispatch teams take care of  
situations, that's no one's choice but his own.

 

Yeah, I'm trying to get him to change that choice. Angel's not happy if someone else is doing the hitting.

> > > It would be hard to miss.

> > Part of his charm.

> I wouldn't call rash behaviour 'charming.'

 

The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his charm even if it is rash.

> > > We'll do our best to make sure you have the opportunity.

> > Thanks :-)

> > > What *is* the life span of a half-Brachen?

> > I'm assuming it's about the same as a full human. From what I've  
read, a full Brachen demon's life span is similar to a human's.

Not like I've met any other half-Brachens I could ask. 

> You're right, I'd imagine your life span's about the same as any other  
human's. I take it you haven't any children. Of your own. Biological  
ones, I mean. They'd be a quarter Brachen, if you had them with a human.

 

No, I don't have any kids. Wanted some, loved the little rugrats but... Harry -- my ex -- she and I were talking about it, but then I went all demony.

And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick.

> Is children one of those things one isn't supposed to ask about? In  
person it's easier to stop myself, somehow, from asking things that  
might be inappropriate. In any case, stop me if I ask anything you  
don't care to answer.

 

Nah, you can ask anything you want. I'll tell ya if it's not any of your business.

> > > But I'm fine now.

> > Good.

> There are days when I'm not so sure. But yes. At least I'm doing  
something useful.

 

Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the brooding department here.

> > Though... there was a certain similarity in dealing with a bunch of 8  
year olds and dealing with a certain souled vampire.

> I can well imagine.

I'd guess that their attention spans were longer, for one thing.

 

Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes.

> > But Angel, when he realised he couldn't fight, he decided he couldn't  
keep it. He went to the Oracles and had them turn back the clock one day.

And the man wonders why I wouldn't let him sacrifice himself with the  
Beacon. He's a genuine bonifide hero, that one.

> Oh. Actually, I think Cordelia mentioned something about it at some point.  
(No surprise that she wouldn't have waited to ask Angel's  
permission first, is it.) But I believe she was running off at the  
mouth about any number of things, and there was no pause in which to ask  
for more details. 

 

Yeah, that girl can talk, can't she?

And she can go from mundane to important subject and back again before you can react.

Christ, I miss her.

> It's good to know.

 

Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might.

> It also makes me wonder if something he's been waiting for all this  
time has actually come and gone already. He gave it back, after all,  
and the thing with prophecies is that the timing is often so  
imprecise...

 

Huh-what?

> > > She hasn't been in a position to explore any pastures for some time,  
unfortunately.

> > Not even Angel?

> Well, she hardly could, really. Not just because of the clause, but  
also because we don't know for certain at what point in time she  
became... no longer herself.

 

I guess there is that. Hard to think of Cordelia as being not Cordelia.

> > > > Stuffed dog then. Or stuffed... do they make stuffed Brachens?

> > > I think not. At least, I've never seen one.

> > Shame, that. Maybe, when I get back, I'll have to see about having one  
custom made for her.

Who knows? Maybe they'll be the next Cabbage Patch craze.

> I find that extremely difficult to believe.

 

You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute?

> > > I know some good places for quiet drinking. Er, not too quiet, you  
understand. But where one could have a conversation easily enough, if  
that were something one wanted to do while drinking. 

> > Sounds like a plan. As soon as I'm out of here you and me and a  
night of quiet drinking.

> Excellent.

Although you may want a few nights to relax and adjust first, of  
course. Immediately throwing yourself into a bottle might not be the  
best idea.

 

There's a difference between throwing yourself into a bottle and justifiably raising a glass to celebrate being alive when, by all rights, you should be long gone, y'know.

> > > > Then again technically I *am* nothing now so... take that as you  
will.

> > > Don't say things like that, even in jest. You're alive, you're here.  
You're just a bit separate at the moment, for a brief period of time.

> > You're very vehement about this, aren't you?

> I really am, yes.

 

Why?

I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but...

> > > > Yeah. Not much subtlety about Angel.

> > > No, that's quite true.

> > I mean, the hair alone...

> There now, you almost made me spit my tea into the keyboard, and surely  
that wouldn't be a good thing.

 

:-)

I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough.

> It doesn't seem that being dead for more than three years has harmed  
your sense of humor.

 

I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate representation of Angel's hair but no luck so far.

> > > > And he can't let that go?

Or you can't?

> > > A bit of both, I think. He can't see my point of view, and I can see  
his all too well.

> > That's rough.

> That's one word for it, yes. And I don't blame him.

Well, that's not completely true. Part of me *does* blame him, and then  
feels guilty for doing so. It's quite a miserable cycle actually.

 

Sounds like it.

Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle.

> > > When you first became aware it must have seemed like some bizarre sort  
of dream.

> > Yeah. The only thing missing was someone playing the twilight zone  
theme in the  
background.

> I'm sure that would have made it even more disturbing.

 

Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way.

> > This is a big place, isn't it?

> It is, yes. Very.

Tell me what you saw.

 

Well the lobby, like I told you before. And some hallways. Got a feed inside an elevator at one point though no one was in it so not very exciting. A few different offices, but no one or no place I really recognise yet.

I want to find the feed for where Angel is. And you. I have no idea what you look like; it would be nice to have a face to put to the words and name.

And... Cordelia. Is she on the premises?

> > > I went and sat with her for a bit, told her what's going on.

> > Thank you. 

> You're welcome. It wasn't any trouble. I generally visit her twice a  
week or so, at a minimum.

 

I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up.

> > > I like to think that she heard me.

> > People in comas are supposed to be aware of their surroundings to some  
extent so...

> Yes, one has to assume it's possible.

 

We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not sure anyone is listening.

> Lorne says he may have come up with something, but he's not sure. They  
need a few more days to research it. If he's right, and they've found a  
useful spell, it might not be much longer.

 

Spell for me or for Cordelia?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to reply I got very wrapped up in these two spells that we've discovered, and trying to organize them properly.

> > > So you've been a teacher too.

> > I suppose so. I don't know if I ever thought of it in quite that manner; more  
that I was to guide the Slayer. Although of course maintaining  
and improving her skill level was important as well.

> Guide, teach, pretty much the same thing when you get down to it. Or close to  
it. Both are just words for helping prepare a person to better take on the  
challenges in life.

 

In my case, I rather think I presented more challenges unwittingly than I helped to solve. So perhaps it's just as well that I've gotten out of that line of work.

> > There was also a time when it almost seemed to me that he was going to  
get past that tendency, a time when his brooding almost seemed...  
behind him. Sadly, it didn't last.

> Poor guy just can't catch a break.

 

That does seem to be true.

> > I suppose it's more that I'm isolating myself. I lost someone that I  
cared for -- someone I shouldn't have let myself care for -- and it's  
difficult to put that behind me completely, as much as I realize that I  
ought to.

> Maybe you can't put it behind you because you're not ready to. If you haven't  
dealt with your feelings and what's happened to the someone in question...

 

I don't think I was raised to know how to deal with those sorts of feelings. Even acknowledging them was rather frowned upon. I'm much better at suppressing and denying, I'm afraid.

> > It's possible that might help, thank you.

> No problem. I haven't gotten much further than the security feeds, as being able  
to see again even in this limited way is pretty intoxicating.

 

I rather suspect, at this point, that we'll be ready to get you out of there before I'll be able to pinpoint your exact location. I trust that won't be too disappointing.

> > > Think maybe someone would want to make it into a movie or something?  
Tron II -- the real story?

Nah, probably not.

> > Tron?

> Movie from the early 80s about a guy who gets sucked into a computer.

 

Ah.

> > And you never know, people seem to make movies about all sorts of  
things these days.

> Yeah, that's the truth.

 

And in many cases, very unfortunate.

> > > Do you know he can't forgive you? Or are you just assuming based on amount of  
broodage?

> > Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's  
not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not  
convinced they're the sorts of things people get past.

> So you think he's lying?

 

No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as over the past as he claims to be.

And to be fair, there's something I haven't forgiven him for either, so the trouble between us doesn't only lie on his shoulders.

> > He does do some of that. It's not as though there's a shortage of evil  
in L.A. If he sometimes chooses to let the dispatch teams take care of  
situations, that's no one's choice but his own.

> Yeah, I'm trying to get him to change that choice. Angel's not happy if someone  
else is doing the hitting.

 

He's been very isolated. I do think that I've spoken to him more times since you've been back than I have in the months that we've been here at Wolfram and Hart.

> > I wouldn't call rash behaviour 'charming.'

> The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his charm  
even if it is rash.

 

I suppose that depends which side of the pillow you're on.

> > You're right, I'd imagine your life span's about the same as any other  
human's. I take it you haven't any children. Of your own. Biological  
ones, I mean. They'd be a quarter Brachen, if you had them with a human.

> No, I don't have any kids. Wanted some, loved the little rugrats but... Harry --  
my ex -- she and I were talking about it, but then I went all demony.

And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick.

 

She didn't want children after that?

Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so.

> > Is children one of those things one isn't supposed to ask about? In  
person it's easier to stop myself, somehow, from asking things that  
might be inappropriate. In any case, stop me if I ask anything you  
don't care to answer.

> Nah, you can ask anything you want. I'll tell ya if it's not any of your  
business.

 

Good. Please do that.

> > There are days when I'm not so sure. But yes. At least I'm doing  
something useful.

> Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the brooding  
department here.

 

I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right.

> > I'd guess that their attention spans were longer, for one thing.

> Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes.

 

Angel's not a big laugher, that's true.

> > Oh. Actually, I think Cordelia mentioned something about it at some point.  
(No surprise that she wouldn't have waited to ask Angel's  
permission first, is it.) But I believe she was running off at the  
mouth about any number of things, and there was no pause in which to ask  
for more details.

> Yeah, that girl can talk, can't she?

And she can go from mundane to important subject and back again before you can react.

Christ, I miss her.

 

So do I. Although actually it's been rather a long time since things between her and I were... normal. Comfortable. And I'm still not certain whether that's because she wasn't herself, or because of things I did. Or didn't do.

> > It's good to know.

> Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might. 

 

I've never had any doubts.

> > It also makes me wonder if something he's been waiting for all this  
time has actually come and gone already. He gave it back, after all,  
and the thing with prophecies is that the timing is often so  
imprecise...

> Huh-what?

 

There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would receive a reward, become human and live again.

Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if he's thought of that.

> > Well, she hardly could, really. Not just because of the clause, but  
also because we don't know for certain at what point in time she  
became... no longer herself.

> I guess there is that. Hard to think of Cordelia as being not Cordelia.

 

It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough.

> > > Who knows? Maybe they'll be the next Cabbage Patch craze.

> > I find that extremely difficult to believe.

> You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute? 

 

I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls, or similar spin-offs, have come and gone.

> > Excellent.

Although you may want a few nights to relax and adjust first, of  
course. Immediately throwing yourself into a bottle might not be the  
best idea.

> There's a difference between throwing yourself into a bottle and justifiably  
raising a glass to celebrate being alive when, by all rights, you should be long  
gone, y'know.

 

I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet.

> > > You're very vehement about this, aren't you? 

> > I really am, yes.

> Why?

I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but...

 

Because I like you. Because I don't like hearing you or anyone else I like say things like that.

I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way many subconscious reactions often do.

> > > I mean, the hair alone...

> > There now, you almost made me spit my tea into the keyboard, and surely  
that wouldn't be a good thing.

> :-)

I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough.

 

The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er, in the emotionally negative sort of way.

> > It doesn't seem that being dead for more than three years has harmed  
your sense of humor.

> I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate representation  
of Angel's hair but no luck so far.

 

Oh? Let me know if you come up with anything.

> > > That's rough.

> > That's one word for it, yes. And I don't blame him.

Well, that's not completely true. Part of me *does* blame him, and then  
feels guilty for doing so. It's quite a miserable cycle actually.

> Sounds like it.

Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle.

 

Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I mean.

> > > Yeah. The only thing missing was someone playing the twilight zone  
theme in the background.

> > I'm sure that would have made it even more disturbing.

> Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way.

 

I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it?

Perhaps after this, things might calm down a bit.

Pardon me while I indulge in some more of that hysterical laughter.

> > > This is a big place, isn't it?

> > It is, yes. Very.

Tell me what you saw.

> Well the lobby, like I told you before. And some hallways. Got a feed inside an  
elevator at one point though no one was in it so not very exciting. A few  
different offices, but no one or no place I really recognise yet.

I want to find the feed for where Angel is. And you. I have no idea what you  
look like; it would be nice to have a face to put to the words and name.

And... Cordelia. Is she on the premises?

 

I have a small pencil holder on my desk -- it's made of grey steel mesh, and there's a red pen in it amongst the others that looks like the sort of thing a schoolteacher might use to correct his student's papers. I'm going to put it between my computer and the monitor. So if you ever come across it, you'll know that that's my office, at least.

Oh, and all the books would also be a clue.

Cordelia's on the premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system. I think you'd need to access the wing's private system first.

> > You're welcome. It wasn't any trouble. I generally visit her twice a  
week or so, at a minimum.

> I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up.

 

I do it as much for myself as I do for her, to be perfectly honest.

> > Yes, one has to assume it's possible.

> We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not sure anyone  
is listening.

 

Yes, we're funny that way, aren't we.

> > Lorne says he may have come up with something, but he's not sure. They  
need a few more days to research it. If he's right, and they've found a  
useful spell, it might not be much longer.

> Spell for me or for Cordelia?

 

Now, for both of you, although we're concentrating on Cordelia's at the moment, as you made it clear that that was what you wanted done. If things go smoothly, we'll be able to try her spell the night after tomorrow, and whether that works or not, we'll move on to yours immediately thereafter.

How are you holding up?

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel :-)

> Wesley says he's been really busy, but he'll get back to you in the  
next couple of hours. He didn't want you to think he was ignoring you  
or anything.

 

I didn't think that, but thanks for passing on the message. You've both been great at keeping a disembodied, formerly dead half Brachen company. I do appreciate it.

> > It a bit more swirly than I would have liked to describe your hair. There's not  
really any keys that are completely appropriate. But at last that one give the  
impression of lots of really styled hair so...

> It's NOT that styled. I don't know why people think it is. I mean, I  
hardly do anything to it. Heck, half the time I can't even find my  
hairbrush, which is really weird because I always use it in the  
bathroom.

 

Maybe you have a poltergiest who keeps stealing it as a commentary or something. And it's more styled than I ever did with mine.

> > Harry thought I was funny. And I could make Cordelia smile sometimes  
too. So...

(And apparently that's how sentences are ending today: "So...")

> Okay, okay, you're funny.

Feel better?

 

Yes.

> > It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it.

> Again, I really don't.

 

More than I ever did. More than a lot of guys do.

Though quite possibly less than Cordelia did.

> > I've always been meaning to ask you about that; you can't see yourself  
in the mirror or anything, what made you start using all that hair product?

> It's not that much. Honest. One little bit of this gel stuff, rub it  
in, brush hair, muss with fingers. That's it, I swear.

 

What made you start using the gel stuff?

> > What did you think? Was it different than you'd been thinking it  
looked? How?

> I don't know I guess it was longer than I thought it was, which is  
weird because it USED to be much longer. Now that I keep it short, I  
guess I just thought, you know, it'd be short. But it kind of stuck up.

 

Well yeah. It's a bit spikey. Wasn't that the look you were going for?

> I'd kind of forgotten what I looked like.

 

You never looked at yourself on cameras, or in photos or anything?

Not that I ever understood how a vampire could have their picture taken. But then, nobody consulted me when making up the rules about this sort of thing.

> > > Um, yeah, I didn't mean that in a... whatever way. It must be weird,  
not really having a body.

> > It is. Though the weirdest thing is that it doesn't seem as weird as it should.  
If that makes any sense? I don't have a body and that thought is weird, but it's  
not like I'm a brain in a jar somewhere or anything; I can move around in here  
using pretty much the same impulses I'd use to move around out there.  
Given enough time, I'm sure this would all feel completely natural.

> The way not needing to breathe or eat does to vampires. Yeah. Takes a  
little while to get used to, but once you do...

 

I think you can get used to almost anything when you're not given any other choice.

> > > But don't worry, we'll get ya back.

> > I believe you.

> You'd better.

 

I do. I know how seriously you take this sorta thing.

> > > Should I be scared that me forgetting what I was talking about is what  
prompted that?

> > The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that  
eventually you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute.

> God, cute? Sorry. I'll try to stop doing it then.

 

Don't. Cute is a good thing. Really. Okay, granted it's not usually what manly men who spend their time doing manly things want to be described as but...

> > Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important.

> You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the  
beginning. And not just because of the visions. 

 

Oh. Wow. That's... right from the start?

> > You could always ask Fred what she would like. Or give her some small  
box of chocolates or something and see if her reaction is more enthusiastic.  
Then you'll know for next time.

> Good idea.

I wasn't sure about the box of chocolates thing, so I got her a really  
big bag of M&Ms. She was really happy, or at least pretended like  
she was.

 

Unless you have reason to doubt that she's telling the truth, I'd say take her reaction at face value.

> Another long story. When W&H brought Darla back, I was... kind of  
obsessed. And not in the good way. I could feel myself sinking, getting  
pulled under, you know? And I didn't want to drag Cordy and Wes and  
Gunn with me, so I fired them. Figured if they were away from me, at  
least I couldn't get them hurt.

 

That was a damned fool thing to do, I hope you know. You're lucky I wasn't there at the time -- you wouldn't have been able to get rid of me just by telling me I was fired, or telling me to get out, or whatever.

> Of course, turns out Wes goes and gets himself shot, so that didn't  
even work out the way I wanted it to.

 

Yeah, he mentioned that in passing.

> But anyway, while they were gone I took all the stuff Cordy'd left at  
the hotel to this shelter, and when she came back and found out all her  
stuff was gone, she was pissed. Plus she couldn't really forgive me for  
the whole firing thing. I was trying to do something nice for her, you  
know, make things better between us, so I bought her a bunch of  
clothes. She was... pretty happy.

 

Okay, giving away Cordelia's clothes, not a bright move. But buying her new ones, definitely the way to get back into her good graces.

At least, if she likes your taste. She'd probably return everything if I bought them.

> > And yeah, I've had a thing or two. 

> There, was that so hard to admit?

 

It's what the thing or two are that makes it hard.

> > You sang more than once? Man, I made it a point never to get back up  
on the stage after the first-

> Okay, I told you about me, it's only fair that you tell me.

Ante up.

 

Yeah, I knew I should've backspaced that sentence.

I went once a little bit before I met you, trying to figure out how to live as a half demon with visions. I'm not sure why I sang. Maybe I just needed to know whether there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or if I should...Well, you wouldn't want to hear about that part.

Got up, sang "Wasn't That A Party." Seemed appropriate considering how much I'd had to drink in the previous 24 hours. I don't claim to be a great singer or anything, but no one ran for the hills.

Afterwards, the Host -- Lorne? -- sat with me. Told me a lot of stuff about needing to accept myself, and finally said the visions were going to lead me to something good. Something I needed.

He was right.

They led me to you.

> > So, Manilow, huh?

> I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty.

 

Did I say anything?

> > Maybe. But if I recall correctly, without you in charge it was a  
smoothly running EVIL lawfirm. So you being there? Makes a difference.

> Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this  
office and things wouldn't be any different here.

 

I don't buy that.

> > Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-)

> Natural SOMETHING.

 

Bite me.

> > > Talked to Wes earlier, he said they've got a lead on spells for both  
you and Cordy. He sounded kind of distracted.

> > For both, huh? He mentioned that Lorne had found something but he  
hadn't specified which problem it was.

> I think it was one for you they found first, but then this one for  
Cordy showed up and I think they're focusing on that. Not because  
you're a lower priority, but because of the whole time thing. You know,  
longer someone's in a coma, less likely they are to come out of it.  
Plus something about this spell, it has to be performed on a certain  
night, like with the moon in a certain phase or something, and if they  
don't get it in time we'll have to wait another month.

 

I also told him that Cordelia came first. So I'm quite willing to wait until after you've got her back.

> > All right, I'm trying to think of an evening activity that you wouldn't  
automatically consider torture and the only thing I'm coming up with  
is "beat something up". Help me out here. If I was taking you out for a night,  
what would you want to do?

> I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit  
around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us,  
you know? Not forced conversation or anything.

Maybe that sounds boring though.

 

Not at all. When I get out of here. It's a date.

So to speak.

> > > Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks.

> > I'll find something else to poke you with.

And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended. 

> Heh.

 

Something about you seems to bring out the double entendres in me.

> > Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she  
watched two or three religiously.

> I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast  
and I could never figure out what anyone's name was.

 

The names? Don't really matter. Characters come in types and are pretty interchangable.

Not that I ever watched soaps or anything.

> > Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings  
about me.

> Really?

 

Yeah. I never thought... What with the Buffy thing and all... I didn't think I had the right equipment, if you know what I mean.

And then there was the half demon thing, though I guess not that big a deal for a vampire.

> > The friends thing? It's a given. It's not going to change. Don't worry  
about that; you're stuck with me, Angel.

So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth.

> Okay.

Wow, this is hard.

Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in  
the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more  
than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too.

God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to, you  
know, kind of... use you, like that.

 

No, it's okay. It doesn't sound horrible. It sounds... I mean it's hard to believe but more because I have problems believing anyone could know all my skeletons and still think of me like...

Fantasies, huh?

Me too.

> > And yeah, I think I was flirting. Not that I made a conscious decision  
to but-

Yeah.

> Okay, so...

Um.

Back into that place where I'm not sure what to say.

 

Yeah, can so get that, man.

> > > People flirt with me sometimes. You know, when I go places. At night,  
mostly. I think it's happened so many times that I don't really notice  
it anymore. Too wrapped up in my own... you know, stuff. Plus it never  
means anything.

> > And if I said that this time it did mean something?

> I'm...

Jesus, Doyle. Don't do this to me. Please. It's been a hell of a long  
time since I was able to have anything like that, and even though  
things are different now, I don't...

 

Angel I...

God.

I don't... Do you want me not to talk about this? I feel what I feel and that's not going to change, but I can keep it to myself. Was doing that before.

I don't want to hurt you.

> > Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away.

And I wouldn't consider it settling either.

> Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make  
me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please. 

 

Everything I'm saying is real, it's the truth. I would never mess with your head like you put it.

I care, Angel. A lot. Maybe more than I should.

> > > > Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when  
Cordelia wakes up.

> > > Oh yay. That sounds like so much fun.

> > We're going to have to.

I don't want to just be the consolation prize.

> You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking  
think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone  
would be lucky to have you.

 

Thanks. I... no one's ever said that to me before. Usually, at best, they go on about what a fixer upper I am.

> > And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm  
talking about being that for Cordelia or you.

> Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You  
deserve to be happy. Seriously.

 

If... if I want you?

> Would I sound like a complete ass if I said I want her to wake up, but  
I'm kinda scared of what might happen when she does?

 

Not at all. Perfectly natural reaction. I have a bit of that too about what's going to happen when I get out of here.

> > Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad  
you got to blow off some steam.

> I'm okay. Some extra blood, an ice pack, good as new. Or will be in  
another twenty-four hours.

 

Ah, the wonders of a vampire's constitution.

> It's actually one of the perks of working for W&H -- plentiful blood supply. 

 

Should I ask where it comes from?

> > > > Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime.

> > > Yeah, that'd be exciting for you.

> > You've no idea.

> Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just  
me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most  
boring things to look at.

 

I dunno. You sweaty, maybe stripped down to just your pants...

Seems like it could be pretty interesting to me.

> > > Most of it was probably thanks to you.

> > Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers.

> You're kidding, right? You did a lot more than that. You brought me out  
of myself, showed me that it was okay for me to have friends.

It meant a lot.

 

I...

I'm glad I helped.

> > Deciding to help her, you were working towards something. Leaving, you  
were walking away from something.

It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you.

> Tell me about it.

 

You've got things in front of you now, y'know.

> There was this whole apocalypse thing in Sunnydale -- oh, which  
by the way is gone now -- and Buffy's solution, her way to win the war, was to  
share her Slayer powers with every girl in the world who had the  
potential to be the next Slayer. So there're an awful lot of young,  
very powerful girls running around, not knowing what to do with  
themselves. And the Watcher's Council -- the building, along with  
most of the Watchers -- got blown up, so Giles has his hands full trying to  
rebuild, and everything, all at once.

See what happens when you go and die? Awful lot to catch up on when you  
come back. Remember this, and don't die again.

 

I'll take it under advisement.

But at least it gives us something to talk about.

> > > Stupid smiley faces.

> > Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-)

> I guess I'm starting to get used to them.

 

They'll grow on you. :-)

> > > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in.  
Right?

Right?

> > > I... think about it. Sometimes.

> > So that would be a no.

> That would be a no. So far.

 

You could change that really easily, ya know. Just open the shades.

> > First thing I'm going to do when I get outta here is stand you in front  
of your windows and raise the shades.

I want to see you in sunlight.

> That's... I don't know what to say.

Thanks? I think.

 

Y'welcome. You could practice that for awhile if you want, just so you have it down when I do get outta here.

> > In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say  
love you mean....?

> Just what I said.

 

Okay, so love. But is that buddy-buddy love. Or weak in the knees love?

> Doyle, do you have ANY real idea of how many completely horrible things  
I did as Angelus? I have to think no, because if you did there wouldn't  
be a question of which one of us deserved to die more.

 

I *know* what you did as Angelus. I got the whole Angel-Angelus life history when I was sent to you. I know what you did, and I know what you've done to try to make up for it. I got a glimpse into your heart and your soul. So I think I know what I'm talking about here. Okay?

> > What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you  
about your expendability, I'm wrong?

> Yeah.

Sorry. I don't even know for sure what I mean. I'm just... tired.

 

When was the last time you got some sleep?

> > > It was a good punch. Took me by surprise, did the job. My jaw hurt for  
a couple of days afterward, too.

> > Well there was a lot of adrenaline in my system at the time. Just  
because I knew what I had to do didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless.

> Yeah, adrenaline's powerful stuff.

Just don't do it again, okay? Ever.

 

Not planning on it.

Of course, right now I don't have anything to punch with, so moot point.

> > So I gave you a bruise and Cordelia the visions.

I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of momentos, did I?

> I was grateful for it. I think, when you can ask Cordy, you'll find out  
there's part of her that was too.

 

Next time maybe I'll try some photos and maybe some home movies or something.

> > > Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire.

> > So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh?

> You're alive. That counts for a lot more than you'd think.

 

You care and do your best to help. That counts for more than you'd think too.

> > Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was  
supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her.

> I think you're right.

 

I usually am.

About this kinda stuff anyway.

> > > You think I should talk to him? Shit, not that I'd know what to say.

> > I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here  
just out of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it  
is he remembers doing against him.

> Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try.

 

Just, whatever comes from your heart.

> > Elvis with fangs?

> Hey, there are still people reporting sightings of Elvis. If that's  
true, don't you think he's probably a vampire?

 

Who would be insane enough to turn Elvis the way he was when he died?

> > > God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis.

> > Certainly not late Elvis.

Maybe a little like early Elvis.

Y'know, back when he was hot.

> Oh God. 

 

I just called you hot and you're "Oh God"ing me?

> > None of us are meant to carry that kind of thing alone. That's why we  
have this handy talent known as communication.

> Thanks.

I mean it.

 

Any time. And I mean that too.

> > The ol' cold shoulder treatment. Yeah, could see her doing that.

> Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it.

Luckily, most of the time she just yells.

 

Now there's someone who's never had a problem expressing herself.

> > > That time, I managed to save her.

> > We'll save her this time too, Angel.

Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will.

> Yeah. We will.

I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before  
it got this bad.

 

We do what we can. No one can do any more than that.

> > > He was such a great baby.

> > And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost  
all the physical momentos you had of him. No pictures or anything.

> You're right. I actually tried to save one -- hid it, tried not to  
think about it, in case that would help. But it disappeared right along  
with all the others.

 

Is... You said that he's part of another family, a normal family now. Maybe... do you know the name or anything? Stuff we can track down? Maybe we can find a picture from his new life.

Just so you can have one.

> > I'm sorry.

> It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if  
anyone had found it.

 

If we get you one, we'll come up with a story to explain it. Could always blame it on me -- some relative or such of mine. On the non-demon side.

> > Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those  
memories for you.

> He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real  
thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even  
starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would  
just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he  
did have was so soft...

 

He sounds like he was really, really great.

> Sorry. I can't do this.

 

It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming.

> > Y'know I wish I could get my non-existent hands on this Holtz  
character. I'd impose a few opinions of my own on him. To use a child like that...

> Well, like I said, he's dead. Holtz, I mean, though actually Connor  
might as well be too. He's got a different name now, doesn't remember  
any of it. Thinks he grew up in this perfect family...

At least he got a second chance.

 

You gave him a second chance. You gave up having him in your life in order to give him a better life.

You're a good father.

> And I didn't blame Connor for how he felt about me. Not like it wasn't  
based on fact.

 

There's a lot more to you than Angelus though. Connor never got to see that when he was growing up though.

And from what you've said, I get the feeling that Holtz didn't care.

> > Lilah?

> She worked for W&H, for years. Evil lawyer bitch type, pretty much. She  
was the one that Wes... you know. She got killed, but what with Wolfram  
and Hart's whole perpetuity clause thing, her contract extended beyond  
death, so W&H used her to get us set up here.

Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your  
girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with  
an offer you can't refuse.

 

Yeah, that would really fuck over your heart, poor guy.

> Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway.

 

Okay my mind hadn't gone there... until you said this. :-p

> You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I  
could put into words.

> > > Don't say stuff like that. It's not true.

> > It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know.

> Okay, you go right ahead and think that, just don't SAY it.

 

I'll just think it REALLY LOUD.

> > > Plus I think it might make me blush, and not like I can look in a  
mirror to check.

> > Can you blush?

> I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving  
around.

 

We'll have to do some experimenting when I get outta here.

And there goes those double entendres again.

> > :-) Thanks. I need something to show my emotions. Don't have hands  
to gesture with, or a face to make expressions with. Feels positively indecent to  
talk without some sort of ability to display emotions.

> Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the  
way things are now.

 

Yeah a bit. I never really realised how much I talk with my hands and all until I couldn't.

> But don't worry.

You're not, are you? Worried? That we won't get you out? Because we  
will. I swear it.

 

I know. I'm not worried.

If I ever start feeling that way, I just look at your emails.

> > > Well. Could live without the Elvis one.

> > You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[

> Really, no.

Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog."

 

Back to the drawing board then.

> > > Uh-huh. Seen anything interesting yet?

> > Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking  
through... Your office would be the biggest one, right?

> I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how  
mine compares.

Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty in  
my head.

 

:-) Least it's not just me whose words are going there.

So I'll look for the office that's big and has the shades shut. Unless you've opened them up...?

> > I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I  
died. You were fine back then. In all meanings of the term.

> Um.

Thanks.

 

Just truth.

> > > Sometimes it's like I need to keep believing that he was really trying  
to betray me, so that I can stay mad at him. Wow, that sounds really  
fucked up, doesn't it.

> > I can get that. It hurt you *a lot* what happened. Moreso because you  
trusted Wesley so much, I'm guessing. If you stay mad at him, you don't have  
to forgive him and let him back in. If you don't let him back in, he can't get  
close again. If he can't get close again he doesn't have the same kind of power to  
hurt you.

But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you  
and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again?

> I guess the answer is: I don't know.

It's hard.

On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose.  
Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back.

 

He's just saying things that makes me think he misses the friendship you used to have as much as you do, and has about as much idea how to get it back as you do too.

Lucky you two have me, huh?

> > I wish... well there's nothing I can do about it from where I am now.  
I don't know if there would've been anything I could've done if I'd been there  
then.

But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have  
done anything.

> Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably  
better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of  
laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts.

 

I don't need you to be a barrel of laughs.

And I still wish I'd been there.

> > That's part of the insane with grief gig, Angel. You'd lost your  
*son*. You couldn't get at Holtz; Wesley was the only one you could get to. Of  
course you wanted to make him hurt as much as you did.

But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and  
keep Wesley at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much  
as you're afraid of what he can do to you?

> Maybe.

I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do.

 

Tell him that?

> > I can imagine. Though your "Fuck" was probably a bit more soggy...

Inappropriate humour again. Sorry. I just... If I don't laugh at it,  
I'm going to get all caught up in the thought of you down there all alone,  
trapped, and I...

I've already discovered I can't cry without a body.

> Shit. Are you okay? I mean, here I am going on and on and you're STUCK  
in there and... it feels like there isn't anything I can do. Is there  
anything I can do? To help?

 

You're doing it, Angel. You're talking to me. Keeping me in touch, keeping me occupied so I can't think about... well things I'm not thinking about for my sanity's sake.

> Maybe all this heavy conversation should wait until you're out of there.

 

No! No, it's okay. I like the conversation. I like thinking I'm able to help, make a difference somehow. Affect reality.

Makes it easier to believe I'm really real.

> > Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here.

> There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him.

 

I would've helped.

> > > I know. That's why I tried to tell him that things between us were  
okay again, after that. But he didn't really believe me, and I don't think  
he was wrong, not completely, you know?

> > Yeah. Because you're scared to completely trust him again.

And... not saying what you did wasn't understandable, but maybe he'd like an  
acknowledgement that trying to kill him is something you  
feel sorry for.

> Yeah.

Yeah, you might be right. About the apology thing.

Wouldn't mind hearing him say it either.

 

There's a slight problem with getting him to apologise to you, y'know.

He doesn't remember what happened.

And what he does remember, he's been bespelled not to think about.

> > That still boggles my mind -- Cordelia as a higher being. Though I can  
see it. She's as beautiful as an angel; not much of a stretch to see her as an actual  
one.

> I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went through with the  
visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from it all, you know?

 

Yeah. God, I never meant to give those damn things to her.

> > > It was really fucking hard, and really easy, at the same time.

> > Because you love him and he's your son, but he'd also dumped you at  
the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, that deserves something a bit more than being sent  
to his room.

> It doesn't matter now. It's done.

 

It matters. He's still your son, even if the world doesn't remember that. And you're still doing what's best for him.

> > > I saw them. Together, I mean. It was this whole thing with this Beast,  
and I needed to make sure they were safe. So I went to where they were  
staying and... pretty much couldn't have had worse timing.

> > No shit. That had to be... God.

And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to  
anyone, let out how you were feeling.

> There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn  
and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a  
bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt.

 

Again, I keep finding myself wishing I was there, if for nothing else so that I could be there for you.

> It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them  
together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both.

 

No it doesn't. It seems human.

> > > No, it's okay. I know what you mean. Sometimes you've gotta laugh  
about it.

> > It's either laugh or cry and since I can't physically do the latter at  
the moment...

> I'm here, you know. If you want to talk about anything.

 

Don't really have much to talk about, do I? Been dead, still have no body, barely have an existence... The world's totally changed since I was last here... I...

I'm not sure if there's still a place for me. When I get outta here.

> I'm much better at listening than I am at talking.

 

Yeah, you are. I remember that.

> > There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But  
man... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel.

> It's done, you know? Time to move on, I guess.

 

Yeah, it's all about moving on, isn't it?

Only, gets kinda messy when something, or someone, you've moved on from comes back.

> > > > Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now?

> > > Yeah. More than I can say.

Thanks. And I hope you don't regret it later.

> > I won't.

> I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll  
understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much.

 

Not going to happen, Angel.

> You okay in there? I mean really?

 

I'm hanging on, really. I... There's some moments of panic -- wondering if I'm really here or if it's all some illusion or dream. If I'm really talking to you,  
if you're really telling me the things that you are...

Okay, maybe I'm not doing perfect. Not having a body... I keep wondering what happens if there's a power failure or if the system overloads or crashes or  
accidentally gets wiped or something...

> Would you tell me if you weren't?

 

I guess yeah, I would.

Doyle


	8. Chapter 8

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

God, you have no idea how good it feels to say that. Type it. Whatever.

> > Wesley says he's been really busy, but he'll get back to you in the  
next couple of hours. He didn't want you to think he was ignoring you  
or anything.

> I didn't think that, but thanks for passing on the message. You've both been  
great at keeping a disembodied, formerly dead half Brachen company. I do  
appreciate it.

 

I'm trying. But then I keep thinking I'm just going on and on about my problems. What the hell kind of fun can that be for you? But then, maybe better than just hanging out in there, huh.

> > It's NOT that styled. I don't know why people think it is. I mean, I  
hardly do anything to it. Heck, half the time I can't even find my  
hairbrush, which is really weird because I always use it in the  
bathroom.

> Maybe you have a poltergeist who keeps stealing it as a commentary or something.  
And it's more styled than I ever did with mine.

 

Oh come on, don't tell me about poltergeists. I feel bad enough about Dennis.

Don't know who's staying in that apartment now. Gunn and Fred couldn't keep paying the rent there after Cordy disappeared, and we had to empty it out.

> > Okay, okay, you're funny.

Feel better?

> Yes.

 

Good.

> > > It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it.

> > Again, I really don't.

> More than I ever did. More than a lot of guys do. 

 

Two minutes? Two minutes is a lot?

Well okay, maybe three tops.

> Though quite possibly less than Cordelia did.

 

I resent that.

Her hair's short now. She cut it, couple of years ago. It looks cute.

> > It's not that much. Honest. One little bit of this gel stuff, rub it  
in, brush hair, muss with fingers. That's it, I swear.

> What made you start using the gel stuff?

 

Um... I guess it was just the thing to do. It's actually a lot less than we used to use back in the 50s. That stuff was like grease, man, and you had to completely slick your hair back if you didn't want people to look at you funny.

Huh, guess maybe that's why it doesn't seem like a lot. In comparison, I mean.

> > I don't know I guess it was longer than I thought it was, which is  
weird because it USED to be much longer. Now that I keep it short, I  
guess I just thought, you know, it'd be short. But it kind of stuck up.

> Well yeah. It's a bit spiky. Wasn't that the look you were going for?

 

A little. Just not that much, you know?

> > I'd kind of forgotten what I looked like.

> You never looked at yourself on cameras, or in photos or anything?

 

Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to avoid it.

> Not that I ever understood how a vampire could have their picture taken. But  
then, nobody consulted me when making up the rules about this sort of thing.

 

Hey, it wasn't my idea either.

> > The way not needing to breathe or eat does to vampires. Yeah. Takes a  
little while to get used to, but once you do...

> I think you can get used to almost anything when you're not given any other  
choice. 

 

Almost anything, yeah.

> > > > But don't worry, we'll get ya back.

> > > I believe you.

> > You'd better.

> I do. I know how seriously you take this sorta thing.

 

Very, very seriously, where you and Cordy are concerned.

> > > The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that  
eventually you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute.

> > God, cute? Sorry. I'll try to stop doing it then.

> Don't. Cute is a good thing. Really. Okay, granted it's not usually what manly  
men who spend their time doing manly things want to be described as but...

 

Exactly. Cute is not the look I'm going for.

On the other hand, it's kind of nice to hear.

> > > Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important.

> > You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the  
beginning. And not just because of the visions.

> Oh. Wow. That's... right from the start?

 

Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it.

> > Good idea.

I wasn't sure about the box of chocolates thing, so I got her a really  
big bag of M&Ms. She was really happy, or at least pretended like  
she was.

> Unless you have reason to doubt that she's telling the truth, I'd say take her  
reaction at face value.

 

Oh. Yeah, I didn't mean that. More just like... well, women are hard to figure.

> > Another long story. When W&H brought Darla back, I was... kind of  
obsessed. And not in the good way. I could feel myself sinking, getting  
pulled under, you know? And I didn't want to drag Cordy and Wes and  
Gunn with me, so I fired them. Figured if they were away from me, at  
least I couldn't get them hurt.

> That was a damned fool thing to do, I hope you know. You're lucky I wasn't  
there at the time -- you wouldn't have been able to get rid of me just by telling me I  
was fired, or telling me to get out, or whatever.

 

Worked good enough for them. I think maybe they were so surprised that they didn't know how to react.

And yeah, I can picture you refusing to leave.

You were always stubborn like that.

> > Of course, turns out Wes goes and gets himself shot, so that didn't  
even work out the way I wanted it to.

> Yeah, he mentioned that in passing.

 

He's had a rough time. He would have been better off if he'd never come to L.A. and hooked up with me, that's for sure. It's been one thing after another.

> > But anyway, while they were gone I took all the stuff Cordy'd left at  
the hotel to this shelter, and when she came back and found out all her  
stuff was gone, she was pissed. Plus she couldn't really forgive me for  
the whole firing thing. I was trying to do something nice for her, you  
know, make things better between us, so I bought her a bunch of  
clothes. She was... pretty happy.

> Okay, giving away Cordelia's clothes, not a bright move. But buying her new  
ones, definitely the way to get back into her good graces.

At least, if she likes your taste. She'd probably return everything if I bought  
them.

 

Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it, but... it was worth it.

> > > And yeah, I've had a thing or two. 

> > There, was that so hard to admit?

> It's what the thing or two are that makes it hard.

 

Why?

Tell me.

> > Okay, I told you about me, it's only fair that you tell me.

Ante up.

> Yeah, I knew I should've backspaced that sentence.

I went once a little bit before I met you, trying to figure out how to live as a  
half demon with visions. I'm not sure why I sang. Maybe I just needed to know  
whether there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or if I should...Well, you  
wouldn't want to hear about that part.

 

Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as hell don't like the idea of you being there.

Never again, okay? I'm always gonna be here for you, so if you feel... you know, desperate, come TALK to me.

> Got up, sang "Wasn't That A Party." Seemed appropriate considering how much I'd  
had to drink in the previous 24 hours. I don't claim to be a great singer or  
anything, but no one ran for the hills.

 

You're a better singer than I am then.

> Afterwards, the Host -- Lorne? -- sat with me. Told me a lot of stuff about  
needing to accept myself, and finally said the visions were going to lead me to  
something good. Something I needed.

He was right.

They led me to you.

 

I don't know what to say.

I'm starting to suspect that you're reading poetry or something in there though. Sounds like it to me.

> > > So, Manilow, huh? 

> > I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty.

> Did I say anything?

 

You didn't have to, you were thinking it.

> > Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this  
office and things wouldn't be any different here.

> I don't buy that.

 

Well, wait 'til you get out of there and then see for yourself.

> > > Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-)

> > Natural SOMETHING.

> Bite me.

 

Now you REALLY don't want me doing that.

> > I think it was one for you they found first, but then this one for  
Cordy showed up and I think they're focusing on that. Not because  
you're a lower priority, but because of the whole time thing. You know,  
longer someone's in a coma, less likely they are to come out of it.  
Plus something about this spell, it has to be performed on a certain  
night, like with the moon in a certain phase or something, and if they  
don't get it in time we'll have to wait another month.

> I also told him that Cordelia came first. So I'm quite willing to wait until  
after you've got her back.

 

Whoever needs it more comes first. If that was you, you'd be first in line. It's my call. Which means that if this doesn't work for Cordy, it's your turn next.

> > I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit  
around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us,  
you know? Not forced conversation or anything.

Maybe that sounds boring though.

> Not at all. When I get out of here. It's a date.

So to speak. 

 

Sounds great to me.

> > > > Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks.

> > > I'll find something else to poke you with.

And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended.

> > Heh.

> Something about you seems to bring out the double entendres in me.

 

Hey, I don't mind. Hit me with your best shot.

Um, wasn't that a song?

> > > Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she  
watched two or three religiously.

> > I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast  
and I could never figure out what anyone's name was.

> The names? Don't really matter. Characters come in types and are pretty  
interchangeable.

Not that I ever watched soaps or anything.

 

No, of course not.

> > > Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings  
about me.

> > Really?

> Yeah. I never thought... What with the Buffy thing and all... I didn't think I  
had the right equipment, if you know what I mean.

 

That's never been an issue for me. Well, not since I became a vampire anyway. Two hundred and fifty years would be an awful long time to limit yourself to half the opportunities out there, you know?

> And then there was the half demon thing, though I guess not that big a deal for a  
vampire.

 

Not at all. I always kinda liked it, actually.

> > > So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth.

> > Okay.

Wow, this is hard.

Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in  
the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more  
than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too.

God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to, you  
know, kind of... use you, like that.

> No, it's okay. It doesn't sound horrible. It sounds... I mean it's hard to  
believe but more because I have problems believing anyone could know all my  
skeletons and still think of me like...

 

There's nothing about you that could keep me from thinking of you like that.

> Fantasies, huh?

 

Yeah, pretty vivid ones too. I could tell you about them, if, you know, you wanted to hear.

Or maybe that would be too weird? Or frustrating?

> Me too.

 

Really? I mean... about me?

> > Back into that place where I'm not sure what to say.

> Yeah, can so get that, man.

 

At least we can be there together, every once in a while. Makes it easier.

> > > And if I said that this time it did mean something?

> > I'm...

Jesus, Doyle. Don't do this to me. Please. It's been a hell of a long  
time since I was able to have anything like that, and even though  
things are different now, I don't...

> Angel I...

God.

I don't... Do you want me not to talk about this? I feel what I feel and that's  
not going to change, but I can keep it to myself. Was doing that before.

I don't want to hurt you.

 

Would it be totally depressing if I told you that everything hurts?

Because it pretty much does.

I don't want you not to talk about it, as much as... don't hint around and leave me wondering. Because I can't take getting my hopes up if nothing's going to come of it.

There's a nice double entendre for ya.

> > > Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away.

And I wouldn't consider it settling either.

> > Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make  
me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please.

> Everything I'm saying is real, it's the truth. I would never mess with your head  
like you put it.

 

No, I know. I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't do it on purpose. I just...

It's so complicated. I need someone, and I don't want you thinking that you just came along at the right time. I feel like I've been alone for too long, without someone to really talk to. Even if I suck at it. I don't want you thinking it wasn't really you I wanted.

> I care, Angel. A lot. Maybe more than I should.

 

Me too. Way more than I should, and... I want you. Because you're you, not because you turned up when you did.

If I'm stepping way over the line here, you gotta tell me, okay?

> > > We're going to have to.

I don't want to just be the consolation prize.

> > You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking  
think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone  
would be lucky to have you.

> Thanks. I... no one's ever said that to me before. Usually, at best, they go on  
about what a fixer upper I am.

 

It's the complete truth. Um, what I said, I mean, not the fixer upper thing.

You're amazing. You always have been.

> > > And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm  
talking about being that for Cordelia or you.

> > Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You  
deserve to be happy. Seriously.

> If... if I want you?

 

See, that's what I mean. Do you? Or is that just, like, hypothetical?

If you want me... I'm right here. And we're gonna get you out of there, and I'm still gonna be right here.

> > Would I sound like a complete ass if I said I want her to wake up, but  
I'm kinda scared of what might happen when she does?

> Not at all. Perfectly natural reaction. I have a bit of that too about what's  
going to happen when I get out of here.

 

I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make things right for you, that's what's gonna happen.

> > > Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad you got to blow off some steam.

> > I'm okay. Some extra blood, an ice pack, good as new. Or will be in  
another twenty-four hours.

> Ah, the wonders of a vampire's constitution.

 

Yeah. The human blood doesn't hurt either.

> > It's actually one of the perks of working for W&H -- plentiful blood supply. 

> Should I ask where it comes from?

 

Oh, believe me, I checked it out. Rejected from donor drives for various reasons, too old to use on patients in the emergency room, mostly. It's all aboveboard.

> > Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just  
me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most  
boring things to look at.

> I dunno. You sweaty, maybe stripped down to just your pants...

Seems like it could be pretty interesting to me.

 

Oh.

Um... really? Because if I knew you were watching...

Jesus. I don't know if I can even go down there again now. I don't think I'll be able to work out like that.

> > > Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers.

> > You're kidding, right? You did a lot more than that. You brought me out  
of myself, showed me that it was okay for me to have friends.

It meant a lot.

> I...

I'm glad I helped.

 

You did.

> > > It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you.

> > Tell me about it.

> You've got things in front of you now, y'know.

 

Do I? It's starting to look that way, a little bit.

I could use some reassurance here, you know.

> > See what happens when you go and die? Awful lot to catch up on when you  
come back. Remember this, and don't die again.

> I'll take it under advisement.

But at least it gives us something to talk about.

 

Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it was okay.

> > > > Stupid smiley faces.

> > > Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-)

> > I guess I'm starting to get used to them.

> They'll grow on you. :-)

 

Yeah, I guess if they're anything like you, they will.

> > > > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right?

Right?

> > > > I... think about it. Sometimes.

> > > So that would be a no.

> > That would be a no. So far.

> You could change that really easily, ya know. Just open the shades.

 

There's a part of me that really, really wants to. It's just hard. It doesn't feel like something I should have.

Lots of things don't.

> > > I want to see you in sunlight.

> > That's... I don't know what to say.

Thanks? I think.

> Y'welcome. You could practice that for awhile if you want, just so you have it  
down when I do get outta here.

 

I might. Try, I mean.

> > > In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say  
love you mean....?

> > Just what I said.

> Okay, so love. But is that buddy-buddy love. Or weak in the knees love?

 

More like the second one, although again, not so much weak in the knees. Mostly I think because I'd kind of need my knees for the kinds of things I'd like to do to you.

Oh god, you really need to stop me from saying stuff like that. If you don't want me to say stuff like that.

> > Doyle, do you have ANY real idea of how many completely horrible things  
I did as Angelus? I have to think no, because if you did there wouldn't  
be a question of which one of us deserved to die more.

> I *know* what you did as Angelus. I got the whole Angel-Angelus life history  
when I was sent to you. I know what you did, and I know what you've done to try  
to make up for it. I got a glimpse into your heart and your soul. So I think I  
know what I'm talking about here. Okay?

 

Okay. Okay, it's just...

When Cordy told me -- and I know, it might not really have been her then, it's so hard to know -- when she told me that actually SEEING the stuff I'd done as Angelus meant she couldn't be with me... it just about killed me.

I don't want to go through that again.

> > > What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you  
about your expendability, I'm wrong?

> > Yeah.

Sorry. I don't even know for sure what I mean. I'm just... tired.

> When was the last time you got some sleep?

 

I get sleep. Just not enough, probably. Spend too much time thinking, I can't get quiet enough to really sleep. Everything's loud in my head. Sometimes I just want it to stop.

> > Yeah, adrenaline's powerful stuff.

Just don't do it again, okay? Ever. 

> Not planning on it.

Of course, right now I don't have anything to punch with, so moot point.

 

I meant more the dying thing. If you needed to punch me again for some legitimate, non-dying kind of reason I could forgive you for that.

> > > I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of mementos, did I?

> > I was grateful for it. I think, when you can ask Cordy, you'll find out  
there's part of her that was too.

> Next time maybe I'll try some photos and maybe some home movies or something.

 

You did. That video commercial thing that Cordy was trying to make? We watched it, after.

It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers to do whatever she wanted with.

Because, you know, you were more hers than mine.

> > > > Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire.

> > > So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh?

> > You're alive. That counts for a lot more than you'd think.

> You care and do your best to help. That counts for more than you'd think too.

 

Does it?

> > > Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was  
supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her.

> > I think you're right.

> I usually am.

About this kinda stuff anyway.

 

I'll take your word for it.

> > > I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here  
just out of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it  
is he remembers doing against him.

> > Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try.

> Just, whatever comes from your heart.

 

I will. I'll just keep reminding myself that you think it's the right thing to do.

That'll make it easier, I think.

> > > Elvis with fangs?

> > Hey, there are still people reporting sightings of Elvis. If that's  
true, don't you think he's probably a vampire?

> Who would be insane enough to turn Elvis the way he was when he died?

 

Good point.

> > > > God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis.

> > > Certainly not late Elvis.

Maybe a little like early Elvis.

Y'know, back when he was hot.

> > Oh God.

> I just called you hot and you're "Oh God"ing me?

 

Not about that, about the thought that I might look like ANY Elvis.

Do you really think that? About the hot thing?

> > Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it.

Luckily, most of the time she just yells.

> Now there's someone who's never had a problem expressing herself.

 

Guess it's something I should envy, huh.

You admire that. That she's so good at telling people how she feels.

> > > > That time, I managed to save her.

> > > We'll save her this time too, Angel.

Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will.

> > Yeah. We will.

I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before  
it got this bad.

> We do what we can. No one can do any more than that.

 

It just never feels like enough.

> > > And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost  
all the physical mementos you had of him. No pictures or anything.

> > You're right. I actually tried to save one -- hid it, tried not to  
think about it, in case that would help. But it disappeared right along  
with all the others.

> Is... You said that he's part of another family, a normal family now. Maybe...  
do you know the name or anything? Stuff we can track down? Maybe we can find a  
picture from his new life.

Just so you can have one.

 

NO.

I'm not mad. Just, no.

This is the only good thing I've ever been able to do for him. I'm not going to take any chances on taking that away.

> > It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if  
anyone had found it.

> If we get you one, we'll come up with a story to explain it. Could always blame  
it on me -- some relative or such of mine. On the non-demon side.

 

No. I don't want to talk about it any more.

> > > Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those  
memories for you.

> > He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real  
thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even  
starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would  
just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he  
did have was so soft...

> He sounds like he was really, really great.

 

He was. He was incredible. He was mine.

> > Sorry. I can't do this.

> It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming.

 

There's no middle ground. It's either forced, or it all comes out when I don't want it to.

> > Well, like I said, he's dead. Holtz, I mean, though actually Connor  
might as well be too. He's got a different name now, doesn't remember  
any of it. Thinks he grew up in this perfect family...

At least he got a second chance.

> You gave him a second chance. You gave up having him in your life in order to  
give him a better life.

You're a good father.

 

No, not really. But this was the one good thing I could do for him. I wasn't going to mess it up.

> > And I didn't blame Connor for how he felt about me. Not like it wasn't  
based on fact.

> There's a lot more to you than Angelus though. Connor never got to see that when  
he was growing up though.

And from what you've said, I get the feeling that Holtz didn't care.

 

Angelus slaughtered his family, then turned his daughter and left her there for him to find. So that she could either kill him, or him her. I didn't care which. *I* did that.

Holtz had good reason to do what he did. I deserved all of it.

> > Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your  
girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with  
an offer you can't refuse.

> Yeah, that would really fuck over your heart, poor guy.

 

Uh-huh. Plus the fact that for a little while he thought Angelus was the one who killed her didn't help.

> > Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway.

> Okay my mind hadn't gone there... until you said this. :-p

 

Sorry. I was sort of under the impression that your mind lived in the gutter.

> > > > > You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I  
could put into words.

> > > > Don't say stuff like that. It's not true.

> > > It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know.

> > Okay, you go right ahead and think that, just don't SAY it.

> I'll just think it REALLY LOUD.

 

That doesn't help, you know.

> > > Can you blush?

> > I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving  
around.

> We'll have to do some experimenting when I get outta here.

And there goes those double entendres again.

 

Oh. For a minute there I was hoping that one was on purpose.

> > Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the  
way things are now. 

> Yeah a bit. I never really realised how much I talk with my hands and all until  
I couldn't.

 

It won't be much longer, I promise.

> > You're not, are you? Worried? That we won't get you out? Because we  
will. I swear it.

> I know. I'm not worried.

If I ever start feeling that way, I just look at your emails.

 

Yeah, or talk to me. Um, I mean, there's some way to do that live, sort of. I've gotta check with somebody who knows more about computers than me, though, to figure it out. I'll let you know.

> > > You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[

> > Really, no.

Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog."

> Back to the drawing board then.

 

It's okay, Doyle. Don't worry about it.

> > > Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking  
through... Your office would be the biggest one, right?

> > I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how  
mine compares.

Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty in  
my head.

> :-) Least it's not just me whose words are going there.

So I'll look for the office that's big and has the shades shut. Unless you've  
opened them up...?

 

Not yet.

> > > I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I  
died. You were fine back then. In all meanings of the term.

> > Um.

Thanks.

> Just truth.

 

Still. Nice to know you think so.

> > > But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you  
and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again?

> > I guess the answer is: I don't know.

It's hard.

On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose.  
Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back.

> He's just saying things that makes me think he misses the friendship you used to  
have as much as you do, and has about as much idea about how to get it back as  
you do too.

Lucky you two have me, huh?

 

Very lucky. More than I can say.

> > > But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have  
done anything.

> > Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably  
better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of  
laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts.

> I don't need you to be a barrel of laughs.

And I still wish I'd been there.

 

Thanks. I wish you had been too.

Maybe if you had, things would have worked out different.

> > > But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and  
keep Wesley at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much  
as you're afraid of what he can do to you?

> > Maybe.

I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do.

> Tell him that?

 

Yeah, I will.

> > > I've already discovered I can't cry without a body.

> > Shit. Are you okay? I mean, here I am going on and on and you're STUCK  
in there and... it feels like there isn't anything I can do. Is there  
anything I can do? To help?

> You're doing it, Angel. You're talking to me. Keeping me in touch, keeping me  
occupied so I can't think about... well things I'm not thinking about for my  
sanity's sake.

 

Things that if you talked about them, maybe you wouldn't have to worry about your sanity? Because I'm right here, ready to listen to anything. Anything that's worrying you. And we're going to get you out of there really soon. It's not going to be a lot longer, and I'll be waiting right here when you get out.

Does any of that help at all?

> > Maybe all this heavy conversation should wait until you're out of there.

> No! No, it's okay. I like the conversation. I like thinking I'm able to help, make  
a difference somehow. Affect reality.

 

Well, you affect me. And it helps, a lot, to have someone to talk to. You're making a difference for me.

> Makes it easier to believe I'm really real.

 

You ARE. You're real, Doyle. I'm talking to you and you're talking to me and this is real.

I promise.

> > > Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here. 

> > There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him.

> I would've helped.

 

I probably wouldn't have let you. But it means a lot to know you would have been willing.

> > Yeah, you might be right. About the apology thing.

Wouldn't mind hearing him say it either.

> There's a slight problem with getting him to apologise to you, y'know.

He doesn't remember what happened.

And what he does remember, he's been bespelled not to think about.

 

I know. Kinda lost my chance on that one, didn't I.

But you're still right, and I'm going to talk to him.

> > I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went through with the  
visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from it all, you know?

> Yeah. God, I never meant to give those damn things to her.

 

I never thought that you did.

> > It doesn't matter now. It's done.

> It matters. He's still your son, even if the world doesn't remember that. And  
you're still doing what's best for him.

 

I guess I should feel better that I was able to do that one thing.

> > > And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to  
anyone, let out how you were feeling.

> > There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn  
and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a  
bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt.

> Again, I keep finding myself wishing I was there, if for nothing else so that  
I could be there for you.

 

Part of me's glad you weren't. Glad you didn't have to see me go through all of that.

> > It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them  
together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both.

> No it doesn't. It seems human.

 

I'm not human, Doyle.

> > I'm here, you know. If you want to talk about anything.

> Don't really have much to talk about, do I? Been dead, still have no body,  
barely have an existence... The world's totally changed since I was last here...  
I...

I'm not sure if there's still a place for me. When I get outta here.

 

There is. It's right here with me. It doesn't matter if you want... that... with me or not, you'll always have a place here. You know how Cordy's gonna feel to have you back? She's gonna get that huge smile on her face, the one that lights up a room.

And the world hasn't changed that much. Except now we don't have to go next door for decent coffee, it's right in the office. Well, except the office is way bigger than the whole block used to be.

I'm still the same. Pretty much.

> > I'm much better at listening than I am at talking.

> Yeah, you are. I remember that.

 

Talk as much as you want. I'll listen.

> > > There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But  
man... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel.

> > It's done, you know? Time to move on, I guess.

> Yeah, it's all about moving on, isn't it?

Only, gets kinda messy when something, or someone, you've moved on from comes back.

 

Not for me. Not when it's you.

I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or another.

> > I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll  
understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much.

> Not going to happen, Angel.

 

Good.

I don't want to lose you again.

> > You okay in there? I mean really?

> I'm hanging on, really. I... There's some moments of panic -- wondering if I'm  
really here or if it's all some illusion or dream. If I'm really talking to you,  
if you're really telling me the things that you are...

Okay, maybe I'm not doing perfect. Not having a body... I keep wondering what  
happens if there's a power failure or if the system overloads or crashes or  
accidentally gets wiped or something...

 

We've got a generator, it's been on stand-by since you showed up. Well, actually, it's a system of generators, something about having a back-up for the back-up. And they say there's never been a computer crash here since the company started -- some kind of spell, I think, though I never asked for the details because, well, they wouldn't make much sense to me anyway.

You're okay. You're safe in there, until we can get you out.

> > Would you tell me if you weren't?

> I guess yeah, I would.

 

Good. Not because I want you to be not okay, but because it's better. When you can tell someone that you aren't. Okay.

I'm right here, Doyle.

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hello Wesley

> I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to reply. I got very  
wrapped up in these two spells that we've discovered, and trying to  
organize them properly.

 

No problem. Angel's been keeping me company. Don't worry about me, just concentrate on helping Cordelia.

> > Guide, teach, pretty much the same thing when you get down to it. Or  
close to it. Both are just words for helping prepare a person to better take on  
the challenges in life.

> In my case, I rather think I presented more challenges unwittingly  
than I helped to solve. So perhaps it's just as well that I've gotten  
out of that line of work.

 

Me? I miss it sometimes. But fate had other plans for me.

> > > There was also a time when it almost seemed to me that he was going to  
get past that tendency, a time when his brooding almost seemed...  
behind him. Sadly, it didn't last.

> > Poor guy just can't catch a break.

> That does seem to be true.

 

We're... talking some. About... stuff. I'm doing what I can to help.

> > Maybe you can't put it behind you because you're not ready to. If you  
haven't dealt with your feelings and what's happened to the someone in  
question...

> I don't think I was raised to know how to deal with those sorts of  
feelings. Even acknowledging them was rather frowned upon. I'm much  
better at suppressing and denying, I'm afraid.

 

That doesn't seem to be working very well though, does it? Maybe you should try not suppressing and denying, see if that helps more.

Tell me about her?

> > No problem. I haven't gotten much further than the security feeds, as  
being able to see again even in this limited way is pretty intoxicating.

> I rather suspect, at this point, that we'll be ready to get you out of  
there before I'll be able to pinpoint your exact location. I trust that  
won't be too disappointing.

 

I'm starting to know my way around in here better, figuring out how to go from feed to feed. And there's other controls, though I haven't played with any of them -- don't want to freak anybody out and have them try and "fix" the computers.

> > > Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's  
not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not  
convinced they're the sorts of things people get past.

> > So you think he's lying?

> No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be  
practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as  
over the past as he claims to be.

 

I don't think I'll be breaking any confidences if I tell you that you're not totally wrong about that. But he wants to want to, if that helps.

> And to be fair, there's something I haven't forgiven him for either, so  
the trouble between us doesn't only lie on his shoulders.

 

Have you talked about it? Or just both gone into your separate corners and brooded?

> > Yeah, I'm trying to get him to change that choice. Angel's not happy  
if someone else is doing the hitting.

> He's been very isolated. I do think that I've spoken to him more times  
since you've been back than I have in the months that we've been here at Wolfram and Hart.

 

Yeah, I'm definitely get a 'holed up in a cave' vibe from him.

But I'm trying to help, such as I can the way I am at the moment.

Maybe.. Do you want to be friends with Angel again? The way you were before all the badness happened?

> > > I wouldn't call rash behaviour 'charming.'

> > The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his  
charm even if it is rash.

> I suppose that depends which side of the pillow you're on.

 

I... Huh?

> > No, I don't have any kids. Wanted some, loved the little rugrats  
but... Harry -- my ex -- she and I were talking about it, but then I went all demony.

And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick.

> She didn't want children after that?

 

It was more me.

Finding out I was half demon was like finding out I had a genetic disease. Sucks for me and the chance that I could pass it on to any kids I had? Wasn't one I was willing to take.

> Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so.

 

I will. They haven't been yet.

> > Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the  
brooding department here.

> I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right.

 

Take it from the unbiased incorporeal consciousness in the computer system: you are.

> > Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes.

> Angel's not a big laugher, that's true.

 

I considered it a victory if I got a wry smile out of him.

> > Yeah, that girl can talk, can't she?

And she can go from mundane to important subject and back again before  
you can react.

Christ, I miss her.

> So do I. Although actually it's been rather a long time since things  
between her and I were... normal. Comfortable. And I'm still not  
certain whether that's because she wasn't herself, or because of things  
I did. Or didn't do.

 

When we get her back, you can ask her.

It's Cordelia, you know she'll tell you the truth.

Once you know, you can fix things.

> > > It's good to know.

> > Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might.

> I've never had any doubts.

 

Tell him that?

> There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would receive  
a reward, become human and live again.

 

Oh. Wow. It hasn't come up in conversation with us yet.

> Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if  
he's thought of that.

 

No, I don't think so. That is was the prophecy, I mean. If it was, the Oracles would never have turned time back.

In a quite literal way it never happened so it couldn't be the fulfillment of the prophecy.

> > I guess there is that. Hard to think of Cordelia as being not Cordelia.

> It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough.

 

Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies.

> > You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute? 

> I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls, or similar spin-offs, have come and gone.

 

Kids don't play with dolls and stuffed animals anymore?

> > There's a difference between throwing yourself into a bottle and  
justifiably raising a glass to celebrate being alive when, by all rights, you should  
be long gone, y'know.

> I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for  
a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet.

 

Well we'll go out and I'll show you the difference. ;-)

Err just ignore me if I start calling anyone 'my little BamBam'.

> > Why?

I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but...

> Because I like you. Because I don't like hearing you or anyone else  
I like say things like that.

 

I... Thank you. I like you too. Both from our interaction and what you're doing for me, and from what Angel's told me about you.

> I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way  
many subconscious reactions often do.

 

What incidents?

> > I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough.

> The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er, in  
the emotionally negative sort of way.

 

Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be.

> > > It doesn't seem that being dead for more than three years has harmed  
your sense of humor.

> > I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate  
representation of Angel's hair but no luck so far.

> Oh? Let me know if you come up with anything.

 

Well I came up with this:

@:-[

But Angel said it looked like Elvis. Which led into a discussion about whether Elvis could be a vampire...

As you can see we've been discussing many weighty issues.

> > > That's one word for it, yes. And I don't blame him.

Well, that's not completely true. Part of me *does* blame him, and  
then feels guilty for doing so. It's quite a miserable cycle actually.

> > Sounds like it.

Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle.

> Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a  
stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I mean.

 

Talk to him?

> > Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way.

> I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it?

 

Yeah, I'm sure my autobiography will be a bestseller.

> Perhaps after this, things might calm down a bit.

Snort. Yeah, that's going to happen.

Pardon me while I indulge in some more of that hysterical laughter.

 

Ah, I see we're having the same kind of reaction here.

> > I want to find the feed for where Angel is. And you. I have no idea what y  
ou look like; it would be nice to have a face to put to the words and name.

And... Cordelia. Is she on the premises?

> I have a small pencil holder on my desk -- it's made of grey steel  
mesh, and there's a red pen in it amongst the others that looks like  
the sort of thing a schoolteacher might use to correct his student's  
papers. I'm going to put it between my computer and the monitor. So if  
you ever come across it, you'll know that that's my office, at least.

Oh, and all the books would also be a clue.

 

I found it! At least I think so -- are you a tall, thin man with dark hair styled not totally unlike Angel's, in need of a shave?

> Cordelia's on the premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the  
second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She  
wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system. I think  
you'd need to access the wing's private system first.

 

I'll go take a look, see if I can find that. After I look in on Angel.

> > > You're welcome. It wasn't any trouble. I generally visit her twice a  
week or so, at a minimum.

> > I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up.

> I do it as much for myself as I do for her, to be perfectly honest.

 

Yeah, I get that.

So would I.

> > > Yes, one has to assume it's possible.

> > We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not  
sure anyone is listening.

> Yes, we're funny that way, aren't we.

 

It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that.

> Now, for both of you, although we're concentrating on Cordelia's at the  
moment, as you made it clear that that was what you wanted done. If things  
go smoothly, we'll be able to try her spell the night after  
tomorrow, and whether that works or not, we'll move on to yours  
immediately thereafter.

 

Excellent! I look forward to having her tell me off for dying and leaving her the visions.

> How are you holding up?

 

I'm okay, more or less. There's been a few minutes here and there where it's been more less than more, but Angel's been there to talk me through.

Doyle


	9. Chapter 9

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to reply -- I got very  
wrapped up in these two spells that we've discovered, and trying to  
organize them properly.

> No problem. Angel's been keeping me company. Don't worry about me, just  
concentrate on helping Cordelia.

 

I am. I just didn't want you to feel abandoned. I know what that's like, and it's not a pleasant feeling. I'd like to spare you from it if possible.

> > In my case, I rather think I presented more challenges -- unwittingly --  
than I helped to solve. So perhaps it's just as well that I've gotten  
out of that line of work.

> Me? I miss it sometimes. But fate had other plans for me.

 

You could go back to it at some point? If you wanted to. Without the visions, you'd be free to pursue whatever career path you chose.

> > > Poor guy just can't catch a break.

> > That does seem to be true.

> We're... talking some. About... stuff. I'm doing what I can to help.

 

I'm glad.

He called me earlier, actually, and said that he'd like to talk to me at some point. I don't know if I have you to thank (or possibly blame) for that. We're going to try to have a drink this evening, if work schedules allow.

> > I don't think I was raised to know how to deal with those sorts of  
feelings. Even acknowledging them was rather frowned upon. I'm much  
better at suppressing and denying, I'm afraid.

> That doesn't seem to be working very well though, does it? Maybe you should try  
not suppressing and denying, see if that helps more.

 

Maybe.

> Tell me about her? 

 

Lilah was... well, not unlike Cordelia in some ways. Spirited, full of life, not inclined to hold back her thoughts. But different as well, in that she did her best to keep her true feelings hidden most of the time. She was passionate and completely infuriating at times, but she never tried to hide who she was. She was very straightforward about the fact that her goals came first.

> > I rather suspect, at this point, that we'll be ready to get you out of  
there before I'll be able to pinpoint your exact location. I trust that  
won't be too disappointing.

> I'm starting to know my way around in here better, figuring out how to go from  
feed to feed. And there's other controls, though I haven't played with any of them -- don't  
want to freak anybody out and have them try and "fix" the computers.

 

Don't worry about that -- a memo went out shortly after you appeared, warning people that there might be some small glitches, but that it was part of a system update, and not to worry about them. Everyone was told to report more serious issues to me, and I haven't heard anything, so I suspect whatever you've been doing so far has gone relatively unnoticed. No one will tamper with anything without my express approval. So feel free to experiment a bit, if you like. It's perfectly safe, as long as you're aware of what you're doing.

You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files.

> > > > Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's  
not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not  
convinced they're the sorts of things people get past.

> > > So you think he's lying?

> > No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be  
practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as  
over the past as he claims to be.

> I don't think I'll be breaking any confidences if I tell you that you're not  
totally wrong about that. But he wants to want to, if that helps.

 

Thank you. It does help to know that. He can be hard to read at times -- for me, at least -- and it's good to have my suspicions verified.

> > And to be fair, there's something I haven't forgiven him for either, so  
the trouble between us doesn't only lie on his shoulders.

> Have you talked about it? Or just both gone into your separate corners and  
brooded?

 

I'll admit that a fair amount of brooding has gone on, yes.

It's difficult because I can see things from his point of view so clearly -- can understand why he did what he did, and can't quite blame him for it. It makes it hard to know if I should be righteously indignant or suicidally depressed.

> > He's been very isolated. I do think that I've spoken to him more times  
since you've been back than I have in the months that we've been here at Wolfram and Hart.

> Yeah, I'm definitely get a 'holed up in a cave' vibe from him.

But I'm trying to help, such as I can the way I am at the moment.

Maybe.. Do you want to be friends with Angel again? The way you were before all  
the badness happened?

 

A more pertinent question might be 'Do I believe it's possible to be friends the way we were?', and the answer is 'I don't think so.'

What I might or might not like isn't particularly relevant.

> > > The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his  
charm -- even if it is rash.

> > I suppose that depends which side of the pillow you're on.

> I... Huh?

 

When I was in hospital after having my throat cut, he tried to smother me with a pillow.

Seeing that written out in words is... more disturbing than I'd like to admit.

> > > And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick.

> > She didn't want children after that?

> It was more me.

Finding out I was half demon was like finding out I had a genetic disease. Sucks  
for me and the chance that I could pass it on to any kids I had? Wasn't one I  
was willing to take.

 

It's genetic material. Passing it on to any children you might have is a guarantee.

I suppose it's more a matter of whether or not you can accept that.

Can you?

> > Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so.

> I will. They haven't been yet.

 

Perhaps I'm not asking the right questions.

(In case there's any doubt, that was another attempt to be humourous.)

> > > Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the  
brooding department here.

> > I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right.

> Take it from the unbiased incorporeal consciousness in the computer system: you are.

 

You're more unbiased than I, that's certain.

So, how do I stop? Throw myself back into life, go out in the evenings, date?

None of those sound particularly appealing.

> > > Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes.

> > Angel's not a big laugher, that's true.

> I considered it a victory if I got a wry smile out of him.

 

Indeed.

> > > Christ, I miss her.

> > So do I. Although actually it's been rather a long time since things  
between her and I were... normal. Comfortable. And I'm still not  
certain whether that's because she wasn't herself, or because of things  
I did. Or didn't do.

> When we get her back, you can ask her.

It's Cordelia, you know she'll tell you the truth. 

 

That's true.

> Once you know, you can fix things.

 

If that's possible.

> > > Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might.

> > I've never had any doubts.

> Tell him that?

 

I... I'll try.

> > There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would receive  
a reward, become human and live again.

> Oh. Wow. It hasn't come up in conversation with us yet.

 

I think he's tried to put it from his mind. For all he knows it could be very far in the future, and he might prefer not to dwell on it on a daily basis.

> > Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if  
he's thought of that.

> No, I don't think so. That is was the prophecy, I mean. If it was, the Oracles  
would never have turned time back.

In a quite literal way it never happened so it couldn't be the fulfillment of  
the prophecy.

 

That's one way to look at it.

I made at least one serious error when originally translating the prophecy, so it's more than likely that I made more and haven't yet realized it.

> > It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough.

> Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies.

 

I can understand that. When we finally realized that she wasn't herself, it was... extremely upsetting, on many levels.

> > > You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute? 

> > I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls, or similar spin-offs, have  
come and gone.

> Kids don't play with dolls and stuffed animals anymore?

 

I'm sure they do, I just think that the merchandising craze has passed.

Or perhaps I'm more cut off from the current culture than I'm aware of. I'd suggest that you ask Angel, but I doubt he'd be of any more help than I.

> > I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for  
a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet.

> Well we'll go out and I'll show you the difference. ;-)

Err just ignore me if I start calling anyone 'my little BamBam'.

 

Will that be the point at which I know you've slipped into the bottle and are pickling your brain?

> > > I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but...

> > Because I like you. Because I don't like hearing you -- or anyone else  
I like -- say things like that.

> I... Thank you. I like you too. Both from our interaction and what you're doing  
for me, and from what Angel's told me about you.

 

What...

I'm very surprised that Angel would have anything positive to say about me.

> > I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way  
many subconscious reactions often do.

> What incidents?

 

The sort that make one feel as if one isn't deserving of being cared for, I suppose.

> > > I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough. 

> > The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er, in  
the emotionally negative sort of way.

> Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be.

 

No. Rather desperate actually.

> > > I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate  
representation of Angel's hair but no luck so far.

> > Oh? Let me know if you come up with anything.

> Well I came up with this:

@:-[

But Angel said it looked like Elvis. Which led into a discussion about whether  
Elvis could be a vampire...

As you can see we've been discussing many weighty issues.

 

Good to know that you're working toward improving the world in such important ways.

> > > Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle.

> > Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a  
stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I mean.

> Talk to him?

 

Well, yes. I hope.

I'm actually rather nervous about it. The two of us together, trying to have meaningful conversation... there's a small voice in my head insisting that this can't go well.

> > > Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way.

> > I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it?

> Yeah, I'm sure my autobiography will be a bestseller.

 

I wonder if you could start writing it while you're in there. It would give you something to do in the moments that you aren't talking to me or Angel, or exploring the wonders of the computer system.

> > Perhaps after this, things might calm down a bit.

Snort. Yeah, that's going to happen.

Pardon me while I indulge in some more of that hysterical laughter.

> Ah, I see we're having the same kind of reaction here.

 

It's interesting, isn't it, how the world seems to have certain paths set out for some people? Paths that never seem to include any sort of stopping or relaxing or enjoying. Just moving forward in a line, with no end in sight.

> > I have a small pencil holder on my desk -- it's made of grey steel  
mesh, and there's a red pen in it amongst the others that looks like  
the sort of thing a schoolteacher might use to correct his student's  
papers. I'm going to put it between my computer and the monitor. So if  
you ever come across it, you'll know that that's my office, at least.

Oh, and all the books would also be a clue.

> I found it! At least I think so -- are you a tall, thin man with dark hair  
styled not totally unlike Angel's, in need of a shave?

 

ER, yes, that would be me.

My hair is like Angel's? I'm not sure that's something I particularly wanted to hear. Nor is it something that I'd realized. I'll have to do something to remedy it.

> > Cordelia's on the premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the  
second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She  
wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system. I think  
you'd need to access the wing's private system first.

> I'll go take a look, see if I can find that. After I look in on Angel.

 

Let me know if you find him.

> > > I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up.

> > I do it as much for myself as I do for her, to be perfectly honest.

> Yeah, I get that.

So would I.

 

Sometimes I wants to pretend, if only briefly, that things can go back to being the way they once were. Don't misunderstand -- I know that they can't, not for me. But for some people -- Cordelia, you -- hopefully, they will.

> > > > Yes, one has to assume it's possible.

> > > We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not  
sure anyone  
is listening.

> > Yes, we're funny that way, aren't we.

> It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that.

 

What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there?

> > Now, for both of you, although we're concentrating on Cordelia's at the  
moment, as you made it clear that that was what you wanted done. If things go  
smoothly, we'll be able to try her spell the night after tomorrow, and whether that  
works or not, we'll move on to yours  
immediately thereafter.

> Excellent! I look forward to having her tell me off for dying and leaving her  
the visions.

 

It's looking very promising so far. There isn't any reason not to think that we won't be able to do the spell tomorrow night. As soon as she's able, I'm sure Cordelia will be talking to you, even if it's only through Angel doing the typing for her.

> > How are you holding up?

> I'm okay, more or less. There's been a few minutes here and there where it's  
been more less than more, but Angel's been there to talk me through.

 

I'm here as well, if it's any consolation. I know you and Angel must have been... close, before, so I'm sure it's easier to talk to him. But if you need a second ear at any point, I'm more than willing to listen.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

 

Hi Angel :-)

> God, you have no idea how good it feels to say that. Type it. Whatever.

 

Really?

Not that I don't believe you, but it's still nice to hear.

> > I didn't think that, but thanks for passing on the message. You've  
both been great at keeping a disembodied, formerly dead half Brachen company. I do  
appreciate it.

> I'm trying. But then I keep thinking I'm just going on and on about my  
problems. What the hell kind of fun can that be for you? But then,  
maybe better than just hanging out in there, huh.

 

It's been more than that. And even the bit where you tell me your problems -- it means a lot, Angel, that you trust me with that stuff.

> > Maybe you have a poltergeist who keeps stealing it as a commentary or  
something. And it's more styled than I ever did with mine.

> Oh come on, don't tell me about poltergeists. I feel bad enough about Dennis.

Don't know who's staying in that apartment now. Gunn and Fred couldn't  
keep paying the rent there after Cordy disappeared, and we had to empty  
it out.

 

But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil law firm and all, get the apartment back?

Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would be there for Cordelia when she wakes up.

> > Though quite possibly less than Cordelia did.

> I resent that.

Her hair's short now. She cut it, couple of years ago. It looks cute. 

 

Is it?

Y'know I'm trying to picture how she'd look with short hair and I'm not having much luck. Guess I don't have much imagination when it comes to women's  
hairstyles.

> > What made you start using the gel stuff?

> Um... I guess it was just the thing to do. It's actually a lot less  
than we used to use back in the 50s. That stuff was like grease, man,  
and you had to completely slick your hair back if you didn't want  
people to look at you funny.

Huh, guess maybe that's why it doesn't seem like a lot. In comparison,  
I mean.

 

So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped?

> > Well yeah. It's a bit spiky. Wasn't that the look you were going for?

> A little. Just not that much, you know?

 

That's pretty much what you get with spiky.

> > You never looked at yourself on cameras, or in photos or anything?

> Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to avoid it.

 

Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something?

> > > > > But don't worry, we'll get ya back.

> > > > I believe you.

> > > You'd better.

> > I do. I know how seriously you take this sorta thing.

> Very, very seriously, where you and Cordy are concerned.

 

I know, Angel. I know.

> > Don't. Cute is a good thing. Really. Okay, granted it's not usually  
what manly men who spend their time doing manly things want to be described as but...

> Exactly. Cute is not the look I'm going for.

 

So if I told you the spiky hair was cute....?

> On the other hand, it's kind of nice to hear.

 

True too. Least in my eyes.

> > > You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the  
beginning. And not just because of the visions.

> > Oh. Wow. That's... right from the start?

> Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of  
Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it.

 

That I was important?

> > Unless you have reason to doubt that she's telling the truth, I'd say  
take her reaction at face value.

> Oh. Yeah, I didn't mean that. More just like... well, women are hard to figure.

 

I'd like to be able to argue with you, but yeah, they pretty much are.

> > That was a damned fool thing to do, I hope you know. You're lucky I  
wasn't there at the time -- you wouldn't have been able to get rid of me just by  
telling me I was fired, or telling me to get out, or whatever.

> Worked good enough for them. I think maybe they were so surprised that  
they didn't know how to react.

 

The words "Think again, fangboy," come to mind as a possible reaction.

> And yeah, I can picture you refusing to leave.

 

I was sent to you for a reason; working with you helped me find a life's purpose again. Damn right I wouldn't have walked away from that.

> You were always stubborn like that. 

 

You always brought that out in me.

> He's had a rough time. He would have been better off if he'd never come  
to L.A. and hooked up with me, that's for sure. It's been one thing  
after another.

 

This kind of life usually is. But from the little I've gleaned of Wesley's past, he was one thing after anothering before he came to L.A.

Least here he's doing it with friends.

> > Okay, giving away Cordelia's clothes, not a bright move. But buying  
her new ones, definitely the way to get back into her good graces.

At least, if she likes your taste. She'd probably return everything  
if I bought them.

> Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this  
whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it,  
but... it was worth it.

 

Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes?

> > > There, was that so hard to admit?

> > It's what the thing or two are that makes it hard.

> Why?

Tell me.

 

Well, vampires with souls for one.

> > I went once a little bit before I met you, trying to figure out how to  
live as a half demon with visions. I'm not sure why I sang. Maybe I just  
needed to know whether there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or if I  
should... Well, you wouldn't want to hear about that part.

> Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as  
hell don't like the idea of you being there. 

 

There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much.

> Never again, okay? I'm always gonna be here for you, so if you feel...  
you know, desperate, come TALK to me.

 

Things are different now than they were then. Things were different even before I died.

You're a big part of why they're different.

> > Got up, sang "Wasn't That A Party." Seemed appropriate considering how  
much I'd had to drink in the previous 24 hours. I don't claim to be a great  
singer or anything, but no one ran for the hills.

> You're a better singer than I am then.

 

You saying there was hill running when you sang?

> > Afterwards, the Host -- Lorne? -- sat with me. Told me a lot of stuff  
about needing to accept myself, and finally said the visions were going to  
lead me to something good. Something I needed.

He was right.

They led me to you.

> I don't know what to say.

I'm starting to suspect that you're reading poetry or something in  
there though. Sounds like it to me.

 

Nah. This is all me. This is what happens when I talk long enough without any distractions.

> > > > So, Manilow, huh?

> > > I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty.

> > Did I say anything?

> You didn't have to, you were thinking it.

 

Maybe I was. So which Manilow song did you sing?

> > > Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this  
office and things wouldn't be any different here.

> > I don't buy that.

> Well, wait 'til you get out of there and then see for yourself.

 

No, it's wait till I get out of here and I'll make you see how important you are.

> > > > Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-)

> > > Natural SOMETHING.

> > Bite me.

> Now you REALLY don't want me doing that.

 

Depends on the context, I think.

> > I also told him that Cordelia came first. So I'm quite willing to wait  
until after you've got her back.

> Whoever needs it more comes first. If that was you, you'd be first in  
line. It's my call. Which means that if this doesn't work for Cordy,  
it's your turn next.

 

If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But I don't want time taken from helping Cordelia for it.

> > > I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit  
around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us,  
you know? Not forced conversation or anything.

Maybe that sounds boring though.

> > Not at all. When I get out of here. It's a date.

So to speak.

> Sounds great to me.

 

Me too. :-)

> > Something about you seems to bring out the double entendres in me. 

> Hey, I don't mind. Hit me with your best shot.

Um, wasn't that a song?

 

Yes. Pat Banter.

> > > I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast  
and I could never figure out what anyone's name was.

> > The names? Don't really matter. Characters come in types and are pretty  
interchangeable.

Not that I ever watched soaps or anything.

> No, of course not.

 

Anyone who says differently is a filthy liar.

> > > > Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings  
about me.

> > > Really?

> > Yeah. I never thought... What with the Buffy thing and all... I didn't  
think I had the right equipment, if you know what I mean.

> That's never been an issue for me. Well, not since I became a vampire  
anyway. Two hundred and fifty years would be an awful long time to  
limit yourself to half the opportunities out there, you know?

 

Yeah, guess I should've figured. I mean I even had glimpses of... you not limiting yourself in that first huge "Angel, this is you life" vision. Guess I just chalked that up to Angelus doing pretty much anything to get to people.

> > And then there was the half demon thing, though I guess not that big a  
deal for a vampire.

> Not at all. I always kinda liked it, actually.

 

You did?

> > > Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in  
the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more  
than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too.

God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to,  
you know, kind of... use you, like that.

> > No, it's okay. It doesn't sound horrible. It sounds... I mean it's  
hard to believe but more because I have problems believing anyone could know  
all my skeletons and still think of me like...

> There's nothing about you that could keep me from thinking of you like that.

 

Nothing huh?

Wow.

That... means a lot. Thanks.

> > Fantasies, huh?

> Yeah, pretty vivid ones too. I could tell you about them, if, you know,  
you wanted to hear.

Or maybe that would be too weird? Or frustrating?

 

I think it would be very... enlightening.

I'd like to hear how you thought of me.

> > Me too.

> Really? I mean... about me?

 

Yeah.

> > I don't... Do you want me not to talk about this? I feel what I feel  
and that's not going to change, but I can keep it to myself. Was doing that  
before.

I don't want to hurt you.

> Would it be totally depressing if I told you that everything hurts?

 

It would be getting up there, yeah.

> Because it pretty much does.

 

Okay, that's something we're going to have to work on when I get outta here. I don't like the idea of you hurting.

> I don't want you not to talk about it, as much as... don't hint around  
and leave me wondering. Because I can't take getting my hopes up if  
nothing's going to come of it.

 

Okay. I'll try. It's not easy to just come out and say some of these things -- leaves me hanging out there all vulnerable-like and emotionally naked -- which is about the only kind of naked I can do at the moment. Not that I think you're going to do the conversational equivalent of pointing and laughing, but it's still kinda scary.

Hinting around is a safer way of getting the same things out -- the metaphorical towel to cover the metaphorical nakedness. But I'll try not to do that.

Just, if I slip and do hint -- I wouldn't be hinting if I didn't actually feel what I'm hinting at. Promise.

> There's a nice double entendre for ya.

 

I like the idea that I get your hopes up. And whatever else comes along with that.

I promise I won't let you down.

> > > Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make  
me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please.

> > Everything I'm saying is real, it's the truth. I would never mess with  
your head like you put it.

> No, I know. I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't do it on  
purpose. I just...

 

You just want to make sure there's something to get your hopes up for before getting your hopes up.

From where I'm sitting, there is.

> It's so complicated. I need someone, and I don't want you thinking that  
you just came along at the right time. I feel like I've been alone for  
too long, without someone to really talk to. Even if I suck at it. I  
don't want you thinking it wasn't really you I wanted.

 

It's okay Angel. I never thought I was just... convenient. This -- whatever it is, friendship, maybe more -- between us is based on a real connection. I've known that for a long time.

It's funny you mentioned the Gem of Afar earlier; that's when I really started realising how special you are.

> > I care, Angel. A lot. Maybe more than I should.

> Me too. Way more than I should, and... I want you. Because you're you,  
not because you turned up when you did.

 

I... Thanks.

Me too.

> If I'm stepping way over the line here, you gotta tell me, okay?

 

You're not even close to the line. Not that I ever thought we'd be talking about this kind of thing. But I'm glad we are.

Really.

> > > You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking  
think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone  
would be lucky to have you.

> > Thanks. I... no one's ever said that to me before. Usually, at best,  
they go on about what a fixer upper I am.

> It's the complete truth. Um, what I said, I mean, not the fixer upper thing.

You're amazing. You always have been.

 

You're gonna make me blush.

Y'know, if I had a body to blush with.

But thanks. :-)

> > > Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You  
deserve to be happy. Seriously. 

> > If... if I want you?

> See, that's what I mean. Do you? Or is that just, like, hypothetical?

 

That would be me hinting because coming right out and saying it is just too scary.

But yeah, I do. Want you, I mean.

> If you want me... I'm right here. And we're gonna get you out of there,  
and I'm still gonna be right here.

 

I...

Okay, I think it's my turn to ask for clarification here. When you say if I want you, you're right here, do you mean if I want *want* you, like in a having fantasies, more than friends kinda way? And does you're right here mean you'd be open to maybe exploring some of those fantasies?

And, for my side, so I'm not hinting here, I'm kinda hoping the answer's yes.

> > Not at all. Perfectly natural reaction. I have a bit of that too  
about what's going to happen when I get out of here.

> I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make things right for you, that's  
what's gonna happen.

 

You're wearing that "stubborn vampire, don't get in my way or I'll knock you across the room" face aren't you?

> > > Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just  
me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most  
boring things to look at.

> > I dunno. You sweaty, maybe stripped down to just your pants...

Seems like it could be pretty interesting to me.

> Oh.

Um... really? Because if I knew you were watching...

Jesus. I don't know if I can even go down there again now. I don't  
think I'll be able to work out like that.

 

Now I really wanna watch you work out.

Maybe when I get outta here, when I can help deal with any workout impediments that... come up.

That entendre was deliberate by the way.

> > > > It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you.

> > > Tell me about it.

> > You've got things in front of you now, y'know.

> Do I? It's starting to look that way, a little bit.

I could use some reassurance here, you know.

 

You do. If I'm the kinda thing that you'd like to have in front of you.

> > But at least it gives us something to talk about.

> Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it  
was okay.

 

If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay. More than okay. I highly encourage it.

> > > > > Stupid smiley faces.

> > > > Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-)

> > > I guess I'm starting to get used to them.

> > They'll grow on you. :-)

> Yeah, I guess if they're anything like you, they will.

 

Yeah, I grow on people -- like fungus.

> > > > > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right?

Right?

> > > > > I... think about it. Sometimes.

> > > > So that would be a no.

> > > That would be a no. So far.

> > You could change that really easily, ya know. Just open the shades.

> There's a part of me that really, really wants to. It's just hard. It  
doesn't feel like something I should have.

 

It is. Take it from me.

> Lots of things don't.

 

You're not going to pull that line on me if we follow where we seem to be heading, are you?

> > > > I want to see you in sunlight.

> > > That's... I don't know what to say.

Thanks? I think.

> > Y'welcome. You could practice that for awhile if you want, just so you  
have it down when I do get outta here.

> I might. Try, I mean.

 

Good.

Because you are going to do it when I get outta here. I'll stand there and make you.

> > Okay, so love. But is that buddy-buddy love. Or weak in the knees love?

> More like the second one, although again, not so much weak in the  
knees. Mostly I think because I'd kind of need my knees for the kinds  
of things I'd like to do to you.

 

Wow.

I think I just proved that you don't need a body to get aroused.

> Oh god, you really need to stop me from saying stuff like that. If you  
don't want me to say stuff like that.

 

No, feel free to continue saying things like that as long and as much as you want.

> > I *know* what you did as Angelus. I got the whole Angel-Angelus life  
history when I was sent to you. I know what you did, and I know what you've  
done to try to make up for it. I got a glimpse into your heart and your soul. So I  
think I know what I'm talking about here. Okay?

> Okay. Okay, it's just...

When Cordy told me -- and I know, it might not really have been her  
then, it's so hard to know -- when she told me that actually SEEING the  
stuff I'd done as Angelus meant she couldn't be with me... it just  
about killed me.

I don't want to go through that again.

 

Okay, you get that "visions" mean "seeing" right? When the Powers sent me that first vision about you, it was pretty complete. I don't know if I got *every* atrocity you were involved with as Angelus but I got a goodly example. I've *seen* it, Angel, complete with the vision surround sound and emotions.

I knew all that when I first met you.

I'm still here. Still your friend. Still starting to hope for more.

Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia possessed when she said that?

> > When was the last time you got some sleep?

> I get sleep. Just not enough, probably. Spend too much time thinking, I  
can't get quiet enough to really sleep. Everything's loud in my head.  
Sometimes I just want it to stop.

 

You're just talking about it stopping long enough for you to get to sleep, right? Right?

Because otherwise I'm going to have to kick your butt.

You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email -- about you being there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away permanently? You get that it works both ways right?

> > > Just don't do it again, okay? Ever.

> > Not planning on it.

Of course, right now I don't have anything to punch with, so moot point.

> I meant more the dying thing. If you needed to punch me again -- for  
some legitimate, non-dying kind of reason -- I could forgive you for that.

 

Okay, some mischievous and evil part of me is now trying to come up with a legitimate reason, just because you offered.

The things I do to keep my mind occupied.

> > Next time maybe I'll try some photos and maybe some home movies or  
something.

> You did. That video commercial thing that Cordy was trying to make? We  
watched it, after.

 

I'd forgotten about that. Well no, I remembered making it -- I even tried to use a line from it as proof for Wesley to check with Cordelia that I was really who I am, but I didn't think about there actually being a tape.

Though I guess there would've been since she was filming me.

So if Wesley had asked you if the rats were still low, you would've gotten it too huh?

> It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way  
through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never  
saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers  
to do whatever she wanted with.

 

Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right?

> Because, you know, you were more hers than mine.

 

I..

I don't know if that makes me angry or sad. Angel, you and Cordelia were the two most important people in my life when I died. *Both* of you. There was nothing to choose between regarding my feelings for both of you.

Neither of you owned any more of my heart than the other. I loved -- love -- both of you.

> > You care and do your best to help. That counts for more than you'd  
think too. 

> Does it?

 

Yeah. There's not many people out there -- human or otherwise -- who would give up all the things you've given up to help people.

> > > > Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was  
supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her.

> > > I think you're right.

> > I usually am.

About this kinda stuff anyway.

> I'll take your word for it.

 

I've talked to Wesley about it a little. And yeah, he hasn't dealt with his feelings about Lilah. If you and he get talking, that might be something you could help him with.

And yeah, I'm aware that I may be asking the blind to lead the visually impaired, but you're good at helping people. And if you help yourself at the same time, that just means I'm damn good.

:-)

> > > Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try.

> > Just, whatever comes from your heart.

> I will. I'll just keep reminding myself that you think it's the right  
thing to do.

That'll make it easier, I think.

 

That's right. Everything's easier if you listen to the disembodied Irish half demon in the computer. ;-)

> > > > Maybe a little like early Elvis.

Y'know, back when he was hot.

> > > Oh God.

> > I just called you hot and you're "Oh God"ing me? 

> Not about that, about the thought that I might look like ANY Elvis.

 

Well I don't think you're accidentally gonna get mobbed by rabid Elvis fans. But you've got the hair and the body and...

And my mind wanders off into other territories that would put a smile on my face, if I had a face.

> Do you really think that? About the hot thing?

 

Oh yeah. Always have.

You can ask Cordelia when she wakes up -- she teased me about it.

> > > Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it.

Luckily, most of the time she just yells.

> > Now there's someone who's never had a problem expressing herself.

> Guess it's something I should envy, huh.

You admire that. That she's so good at telling people how she feels.

 

There were times when I'd wished she hadn't been *quite* so good. My ego took a regular beating from her for a long while there. But yeah, it's something that I think is a good skill to have -- least you always know where you stand with her.

But before you start beating up on yourself, you tell people how you feel about them too. You just do it a lot more through actions than words.

I got pretty good at deciphering Angel-ese whether spoken or not.

> > > I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before  
it got this bad.

> > We do what we can. No one can do any more than that.

> It just never feels like enough.

 

I know it doesn't, Angel. But it's all we can do -- our best.

> > Is... You said that he's part of another family, a normal family now.  
Maybe... do you know the name or anything? Stuff we can track down? Maybe we  
can find a picture from his new life.

Just so you can have one.

> NO.

I'm not mad. Just, no.

This is the only good thing I've ever been able to do for him. I'm not  
going to take any chances on taking that away.

 

How would getting a photo take away-

Okay. It doesn't matter. You don't want me to, I won't. I don't want to make any of this harder for you than it already is.

I just.. I wish I could give you something of his to hold onto.

> > > It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if  
anyone had found it.

> > If we get you one, we'll come up with a story to explain it. Could  
always blame it on me -- some relative or such of mine. On the non-demon side.

> No. I don't want to talk about it any more.

 

All right.

I'm sorry.

> Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those  
memories for you.

> > > He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real  
thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even  
starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would  
just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he  
did have was so soft...

> > He sounds like he was really, really great.

> He was. He was incredible. He was mine.

 

I.. I really wish I could have met him.

> > > Sorry. I can't do this. 

> > It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming.

> There's no middle ground. It's either forced, or it all comes out when  
I don't want it to.

 

I'm here to listen whenever you need to let it out. I'm still going to be here if you don't talk about it.

I'm here.

> > You gave him a second chance. You gave up having him in your life in  
order to give him a better life.

You're a good father.

> No, not really. But this was the one good thing I could do for him. I  
wasn't going to mess it up.

 

Giving up a child to give him a better life has got to be one of the hardest things anybody ever has to do.

You put his happiness above having him in your life. His needs above your own. That's the definition of a good father.

> > There's a lot more to you than Angelus though. Connor never got to see  
that when he was growing up though.

And from what you've said, I get the feeling that Holtz didn't care.

> Angelus slaughtered his family, then turned his daughter and left her  
there for him to find. So that she could either kill him, or him her. I  
didn't care which. *I* did that.

Holtz had good reason to do what he did. I deserved all of it.

 

If Holtz went after you alone, I may have conceded you have a point.

Connor hadn't done a damn thing to him -- and Holtz took and used him for his own goals.

Even if you deserved Halt's hatred and vengeance, Connor didn't.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who abuse kids. I would've cheerfully taken Holtz apart limb by limb.

Slowly.

> > > Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your  
girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with  
an offer you can't refuse.

> > Yeah, that would really fuck over your heart, poor guy.

> Uh-huh. Plus the fact that for a little while he thought Angelus was  
the one who killed her didn't help.

 

Yeah, could see how that could make things even more difficult considering what was already between you.

> > > Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway.

> > Okay my mind hadn't gone there... until you said this. :-p

> Sorry. I was sort of under the impression that your mind lived in the  
gutter.

 

It does sometimes.

Like about certain souled vampires with spiky. hair.

> > > > Can you blush?

> > > I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving  
around.

> > We'll have to do some experimenting when I get outta here.

And there goes those double entendres again.

> Oh. For a minute there I was hoping that one was on purpose.

 

It was. :-)

> > > Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the  
way things are now.

> > Yeah a bit. I never really realised how much I talk with my hands and  
all until I couldn't.

> It won't be much longer, I promise. 

 

I believe you. :-)

> > I know. I'm not worried.

If I ever start feeling that way, I just look at your emails.

> Yeah, or talk to me. Um, I mean, there's some way to do that live, sort  
of. I've gotta check with somebody who knows more about computers than  
me, though, to figure it out. I'll let you know.

 

That would be great -- not that I don't appreciate the conversation we're having this way, but it would be nice to have one in real time. :-)

> > > > You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[

> > > Really, no.

Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog."

> > Back to the drawing board then.

> It's okay, Doyle. Don't worry about it.

 

What about this one?

} :-[

> > > I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how  
mine compares.

Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty  
in my head.

> > :-) Least it's not just me whose words are going there.

So I'll look for the office that's big and has the shades shut. Unless  
you've  
opened them up...?

> Not yet.

 

I think I may have found your office, but no one was there at the time. Found Wesley's office -- did you realise that he's sporting a hairstyle not totally unlike yours?

> But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship  
you and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again?

> > > I guess the answer is: I don't know.

It's hard.

On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose.  
Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back.

> > He's just saying things that makes me think he misses the friendship  
you used to have as much as you do, and has about as much idea about how to get  
it back as you do too.

Lucky you two have me, huh?

> Very lucky. More than I can say.

 

:-)

Talk to him. You and Wesley can't fix anything if you don't talk.

> > > Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably  
better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of  
laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts.

> > I don't need you to be a barrel of laughs.

And I still wish I'd been there.

> Thanks. I wish you had been too.

Maybe if you had, things would have worked out different.

 

Maybe. I'm sorry I wasn't.

But I'm here now.

> > > I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do.

> > Tell him that?

> Yeah, I will. 

 

He's mentioned that incident -- talked about pillows. So hearing you regret doing it will be a big step forward, I think.

> > You're doing it, Angel. You're talking to me. Keeping me in touch,  
keeping me occupied so I can't think about... well things I'm not thinking about  
for my sanity's sake.

> Things that if you talked about them, maybe you wouldn't have to worry  
about your sanity? Because I'm right here, ready to listen to anything.  
Anything that's worrying you. And we're going to get you out of there  
really soon. It's not going to be a lot longer, and I'll be waiting right here when you get out.

Does any of that help at all?

 

It does. A lot. Really.

> > No! No, it's okay. I like the conversation. I like thinking I'm able to help,  
make a difference somehow. Affect reality.

> Well, you affect me. And it helps, a lot, to have someone to talk to.  
You're making a difference for me.

 

I'm glad.

> > Makes it easier to believe I'm really real.

> You ARE. You're real, Doyle. I'm talking to you and you're talking to  
me and this is real.

I promise.

 

I think I may have read too many science fiction stories. Part of me keeps wondering if I'm real or just a construct someone's created based on my brain patterns and memories.

That I *think* I'm Doyle but I'm really just a bunch of computer chips and wires, and that's all I'll ever be.

> > > > Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here.

> > > There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him. 

> > I would've helped.

> I probably wouldn't have let you. But it means a lot to know you would  
have been willing.

 

Anyone who uses a child like that deserves to die.

> > There's a slight problem with getting him to apologise to you, y'know.

He doesn't remember what happened.

And what he does remember, he's been bespelled not to think about.

> I know. Kinda lost my chance on that one, didn't I.

But you're still right, and I'm going to talk to him.

 

Good. And if it helps, from the little I've talked to him and got to know him, if Wesley did remember he would be sorry about what happened.

> > > I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went  
through with the visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from  
it all, you know?

> > Yeah. God, I never meant to give those damn things to her.

> I never thought that you did.

 

Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.

> > > It doesn't matter now. It's done.

> > It matters. He's still your son, even if the world doesn't remember  
that. And you're still doing what's best for him.

> I guess I should feel better that I was able to do that one thing.

 

It hurts, I know. You're allowed to feel that.

You're allowed to still think of Connor as yours too. You just gave him up to make sure he had a better chance at life than you could give him because of circumstances out of your control.

But he's still your son.

> > > There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn  
and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a  
bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt.

> > Again, I keep finding myself wishing I was there, if for nothing  
else so that I could be there for you.

> Part of me's glad you weren't. Glad you didn't have to see me go through all of that.

 

Since you probably would've wiped my memory too if I'd been here and had no one to talk to, maybe it's for the best that I wasn't.

But I still wish I was.

> > > It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them  
together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both.

> > No it doesn't. It seems human.

> I'm not human, Doyle.

 

Neither am I. But we've still got human emotions no matter what we eat or what face comes out when we sneeze.

> > I'm not sure if there's still a place for me. When I get outta here.

> There is. It's right here with me. It doesn't matter if you want...  
that... with me or not, you'll always have a place here. You know how  
Cordy's gonna feel to have you back? She's gonna get that huge smile on  
her face, the one that lights up a room.

 

Thanks. And I do want... that. With you.

You really think I'll get that kind of smile from Cordelia? Yeah, maybe I will. But there's also going to be a lot of yelling about my dying and giving her the visions I'm sure too.

Err.. you'll let me hide behind you?

> And the world hasn't changed that much. Except now we don't have to go  
next door for decent coffee, it's right in the office. Well, except the  
office is way bigger than the whole block used to be.

 

Decent coffee? The world really has changed. ;-)

> I'm still the same. Pretty much. 

 

I recognise the Angel I knew in the Angel I'm talking to now. If anything, you're even more worthy of admiration now.

> > > I'm much better at listening than I am at talking.

> > Yeah, you are. I remember that.

> Talk as much as you want. I'll listen.

 

Thanks. :-)

> > Only, gets kinda messy when something, or someone, you've moved on from  
comes back.

> Not for me. Not when it's you.

I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or another.

 

I first read that as "we could move in together."

Move on, move in, both sound good.

> > > I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll  
understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much.

> > Not going to happen, Angel.

> Good.

I don't want to lose you again.

 

I'm not going anywhere.

'Cept, hopefully outta this machine.

> > > You okay in there? I mean really?

> > I'm hanging on, really. I... There's some moments of panic -- wondering if I'm  
really here or if it's all some illusion or dream. If I'm really talking to you, if you're  
really telling me the things that you are...

Okay, maybe I'm not doing perfect. Not having a body... I keep  
wondering what happens if there's a power failure or if the system overloads or  
crashes or accidentally gets wiped or something...

> We've got a generator, it's been on stand-by since you showed up. Well,  
actually, it's a system of generators, something about having a back-up  
for the back-up. And they say there's never been a computer crash here  
since the company started -- some kind of spell, I think, though I never  
asked for the details because, well, they wouldn't make much sense to  
me anyway.

You're okay. You're safe in there, until we can get you out.

 

Thanks. Knowing that helps.

> > > Would you tell me if you weren't?

> > I guess yeah, I would.

> Good. Not because I want you to be not okay, but because it's better.  
When you can tell someone that you aren't. Okay.

 

It is. And I will. But, no body aside, some things are better than I'd hoped they could be.

> I'm right here, Doyle.

 

That makes me really happy. :-)

Doyle


	10. Chapter 10

¥ Session Ident: #angelsoffice

¥ Now talking in #angelsoffice

Angel: Doyle? It's Angel. Um... you in there?

Doyle: Angel?

Angel: Okay, cool. Fred came in and downloaded this chat thing. I was a little nervous about getting it to work.  
Angel: Well, I was a little nervous anyway.

Doyle: Wow. Real live interaction! This is great. :-)

Angel: Unless you want to count the fact that I have no idea what to say. This is harder than email, somehow.  
Angel: But yeah, it is pretty great.

Doyle: Course it's harder. With the email you can delete stuff and take your time to figure out what to say. This is faster.

Angel: I dunno, I don't usually delete stuff. Seems like cheating somehow. Censorship. Um... self-censorship. Something. So... you okay?

Doyle: Yeah. :-) Still disembodied, but yeah. You? How you doing?

Angel: Okay.  
Angel: Other than the nervous thing.

Doyle: Hey, it's just me. You don't have to be nervous.

Angel: I'd be nervous anyway. If it was someone else, I mean. Well maybe not THIS nervous. But still.

Doyle: Angel?

Angel: Yeah?

Doyle: Relax, will ya? You know how to talk to me. You've been doing it since we met.

Angel: Okay. Right.  
Angel: Sorry. This is just harder than I thought it going to be.

Doyle: It's going fine. Really. Just type the words you'd say if I was in the room instead of the computer.

Angel: I didn't realize how much I missed you until you came back.

Doyle: ...Wow. You say things like that and...  
Doyle: :-)  
Doyle: Makes me feel... important. Wanted. :-)

Angel: You are. Both of those things.  
Angel: You're really hooked on those smiley things, aren't you.

Doyle: It's the only way I can smile right now. So yeah.

Angel: We've got to get you out of there. As soon as we try this thing on Cordy tomorrow night -- whether it works or not.

Doyle: I'm not going to argue. Be nice to be me again.  
Doyle: But if Cordelia doesn't wake up tomorrow we keep trying, right?

Angel: Of course. Don't worry -- we haven't stopped looking for other options just because we found one. And when I say "we" I mean, you know, people who are not me.

Doyle: You have people now. I'm still getting used to that.  
Doyle: Not that you having people isn't a good thing.

Angel: If it means I don't have to spend hours or days or weeks looking up stuff in books that might as well be written in some language I don't read, then I think people is a great idea.

Doyle: Yeah, seem to recall Cordelia and me getting stuck with that back in the old days.

Angel: And one of the reasons for that is I really, really suck at it.  
Angel: So. What's the first thing you want to do when you get out of there?

Doyle: See you standing in sunlight.

Angel: Jesus. You can't think of anything better than that?

Doyle: I've got some other thoughts about what I could do with you standing in sunlight, but...  
Doyle: Not sure you'd want to do them too.  
Doyle: Would you?

Angel: Assuming you're talking about my office and not, you know, outside, where the answer'd be something like "watch me burst into flames and try to put me out with a blanket" yeah. I mean, I wouldn't mind. I mean... yeah.

Doyle: Yeah, was talking about the office. I like you too much to set you on fire.  
Doyle: So... you'd be okay with some body contact?

Angel: Okay doesn't really start to describe it actually.

Doyle: Really? You sure about that? Because I'm going to take you at your word when I get outta here.

Angel: Yeah, I'm sure. And you'd better take me at my word.  
Angel: Only, um, what about Cordy? I mean, what if she's back when you get out of there? Are you still going to, you know...?

Doyle: What, ya think *you're* the consolation prize?  
Doyle: You're nuts you know that?  
Doyle: The only way that would change would be if Cordelia wanted to... have body contact with you instead.

Angel: That's not in the cards, Doyle. I mean, I want her back, sure. Love her. But that's, you know, in the past. We're talking about the future. Aren't we?

Doyle: Yeah. Hope so.  
Doyle: And I'm the future?

Angel: Well, you're... both, I think. Because I wouldn't want to forget the past, with you. It's important. But yeah.

Doyle: Y'know, that really makes me want to get outta this computer.

Angel: Sorry. Think it's gonna be a couple more days at least. I can try to keep you entertained in the meantime though.

Doyle: I'm sure you will. :-)  
Doyle: Which reminds me, give me a second here...

Angel: Okay...  
Angel: Um, what are you doing?

Doyle: Look up. Over the bar.  
Doyle: That's where the camera is.

Angel: Oh great.  
Angel: See me covering up my hair? Now that I know you think it looks stupid...

Doyle: I never said I thought it was stupid. Just stylised.  
Doyle: It's part of your style.

Angel: Which means what? It's stupid, but you're kind of used to it?

Doyle: It means that it's what I think of Angel style.  
Doyle: And the only thing that looks stupid is you sitting there with your hands over your head. Except when you need to type.

Angel: Next time, give a guy some warning, okay? Besides, it's not fair... you can see me, but I can't see you.

Doyle: There's not really any me to see right now.

Angel: That's what I mean. It's not fair -- I want to see you too.  
Angel: Well, like I was saying, only a couple more days.

Doyle: If all goes right.  
Doyle: Don't wanna get too cocky about it.

Angel: Yeah, I know. Neither of us want to be disappointed, huh?

Doyle: Yeah.  
Doyle: Not that I don't believe you're going to get me outta here.  
Doyle: Because I do.

Angel: Good. Because I really, really want you out of there.

Doyle: Ha! I was right -- there's that "stubborn vampire, don't get in my way or I'll knock you across the room" face

Angel: I'm going to have to put something over that camera, aren't I.

Doyle: Don't you even think about it!  
Doyle: It's taken me this long to find the right feed -- I'm going to be extremely irritated if you take it away.

Angel: Okay, okay. Sorry. I'll leave it alone.  
Angel: Seen anything interesting in any of the offices?

Doyle: Nah, they're mostly officse with office people doing office people things.  
Doyle: Saw Wesley though. I told you that, didn't I?

Angel: Yeah. You said something about his hair being like mine. I hadn't noticed until you mentioned it, but I guess it sort of is.

Doyle: Despite all the crap that's happened between you, it's obvious he still thinks a lot of you, y'know.

Angel: Right. Of course he does. People always think a lot of other people who try to kill them.

Doyle: Oh, I'm not saying there's not some hostility about the pillow incident being harboured there.

Angel: Well, we're gonna talk about that tonight. I told you I would, and I'm going to.  
Angel: Sorry. Getting kind of defensive. It's not you.  
Angel: Can you see my 'sorry' face?

Doyle: Yeah.  
Doyle: It's cute.  
Doyle: All your faces are cute.

Angel: You've got a thing for that word.  
Angel: Um... even, you know, the vampire one?

Doyle: Well not to say it's the most cuddly look, but yeah. As vampires go, yeah.

Angel: It doesn't turn you off?

Doyle: Does my Brachen face turn you off?

Angel: That's not an answer.

Doyle: So it turns you off then.

Angel: No. Did I say that? Jesus, don't put fucking words into my mouth, Doyle. No, I couldn't care less that you're half Brachen. I care about YOU. The face that you're wearing isn't important at all.

Doyle: Why do you think that it's any different for me?

Angel: Because you still haven't answered the question.

Doyle: That *is* my answer. I was trying for some kind of revelation there.

Angel: Oh.  
Angel: Guess I missed it, huh.

Doyle: Whatever face you wear, I still feel the same way about you. That's the revelation.  
Doyle: I feel the same about you as you do about me.  
Doyle: Which, I guess, is a revelation for both of us.

Angel: Yeah. Yeah, it is.  
Angel: Are you sure?

Doyle: I'm sure about how I feel about you.

Angel: I don't know what to say. I want to keeping asking 'Are you SURE you're sure?' but that's probably gonna get old real fast, huh.

Doyle: I can keep saying yes, I'm sure. But if you don't believe me the first time...

Angel: I don't. Believe you, I mean. I WANT to, and it's not that I think you're lying or confused or whatever, just... it doesn't seem possible.

Doyle: Why?

Angel: Because of who I am. The things I've done. Stuff I can't ever make up for. But you can just... forget all that? Like it doesn't matter?  
Angel: Sorry. Look, maybe we should do this another time.

Doyle: No! Don't go!  
Doyle: I mean, we can talk about something else if you want. I just...  
Doyle: This is the first real conversation I've had since I died.

Angel: I'm sorry. I'm not going anywhere. I just thought maybe this wasn't the kind of thing you needed to be hearing.  
Angel: But I'm not gonna bail on you.

Doyle: Thanks.  
Doyle: I guess being in here is getting to me more than I like to think.

Angel: Yeah. It must really suck.  
Angel: But it's not gonna be much longer. And I'm here, okay? Heck, I'll sit here and talk to you every minute until we get you out, if you need me to.

Doyle: Could get boring after a while.

Angel: Well yeah. I've never claimed to be a brilliant conversationist. It'd probably deteriorate into talking about sex after a few hours.  
Angel: Um, not that *I'd* mind.

Doyle: I thought you didn't want to talk about it. Or was it just that I love you that you didn't want to talk about?

Angel: No, that was more not wanting to talk about my history of being a complete shit and how you could care about me despite it.

Doyle: I may not have as long a history as you, but I've had my moments of shitness too y'know.

Angel: I don't think they really compare.  
Angel: I mean, seriously.  
Angel: Not that I'm a person exactly, but you're a much better one than I am.

Doyle: Believe I'm a better person than you if you want -- I don't buy it, but you're entitled to your opinion -- but I'm a better person that loves you then.

Angel: Do you? I mean, really?

Doyle: Yeah.

Angel: Wow. That's... not that I want to scare you or anything, but if you looked, I think you'd see me smiling.  
Angel: I do too.  
Angel: Um, love you. I love you.

Doyle: Wow.  
Doyle: You sure? I mean you don't have to say it just because I did. Not that I'm saying you *can't* say it, but...

Angel: I'm sure.  
Angel: Got a little bit of that weak-kneed thing going on right now too.

Doyle: :-D  
Doyle: err that would be a beaming smile  
Doyle: And I'd be getting weak kneed too.  
Doyle: Y'know... if I had knees.

Angel: Well to be honest, if I was going to wish you a body part, it wouldn't be knees.  
Angel: Tell me if you don't want me saying stuff like that. Or thinking it. I mean, not that I'd be able to stop thinking it, but I could try.

Doyle: Angel, you got the part when I said I love you right?  
Doyle: Why would I not want you to say things like that?

Angel: Well, because I shouldn't think about you like that. As, you know, some kind of sex object.

Doyle: Why not?

Angel: Um...  
Angel: I don't know?  
Angel: Just thought I wasn't supposed to.

Doyle: Just because I don't have a body doesn't mean I don't have bawdy thoughts.

Angel: About me being all sweaty in the gym, right?

Doyle: Yeah.  
Doyle: Though I guess... you being a vampire, there wouldn't be much sweat huh?

Angel: Not much, no.  
Angel: Maybe we really should change the subject. I know YOU don't have a body right now, but mine's starting to get ideas.

Doyle: And that's a bad thing?

Angel: Well again, you don't have a body right now, and since you're the one I'm thinking about touching...

Doyle: Yeah, but I'm watching you. That could be a thing, couldn't it? Me watching you?

Angel: But I'm just sitting here.  
Angel: Ohhhh.  
Angel: Um... that isn't going to be too, you know, frustrating? For you?

Doyle: Considering I've been having thoughts in that kind of subject matter and I've seemed to have survived, I think I'll be able to handle it.  
Doyle: So to speak.

Angel: Okay... hang on a minute. I mean, pretty much everyone's gone home, but I'd hate to have someone walk in on me.

Doyle: Yeah, could blow your entire dark and broody image, couldn't it?

Angel: People already give me some strange looks, last thing I need's to get a reputation for being some kind of pervert.  
Angel: Hey, wait a minute. If you can see this, won't the security people be able to?

Doyle: Hm. Let me try something here.

Angel: Was that you?  
Angel: The lights, I mean?

Doyle: Yeah. Sorry. Had to find the right circuit to cut.  
Doyle: The camera's not recording any more.

Angel: Hey, I'm impressed. You really know what you're doing in there.

Doyle: Nah, not really. Just keep hitting switches and see what they do.

Angel: That... doesn't sound like a very good idea. Just be careful, okay? Don't want you to hurt yourself.

Doyle: Haven't hurt myself so far, have I?  
Doyle: Er, beyond the whole being killed in the first place bit, I mean.

Angel: No, I know. I just don't want anything to happen to you.  
Angel: Want to get you out here all in one piece. Um... you know what I mean.

Doyle: Yeah. I do.  
Doyle: You want to be able to do what we're about to do with me there in the flesh.

Angel: That too. But not just that. I want you around. Even if this is the only way I can have you.  
Angel: But yeah, the flesh thing is good too.

Doyle: I'm looking forward to finding out how good.

Angel: God, me too. You have no idea how much I want you.

Doyle: Yeah?  
Doyle: Can you tell me?

Angel: So much it hurts. Literally. I've been thinking about you all the time... it's almost like...

Doyle: Almost like what?

Angel: Um, okay, maybe this is going to sound bad. It's kind of like when Darla first showed up, about... six months after you died. I was having these dreams about her. I was... pretty obsessed. This is kind of like that.  
Angel: Don't get me wrong, I still think about other things too. Cordy, and this drink thing tonight with Wes. But you've been on my mind, a lot. And, well, certain parts of my body seem to like that. A lot.

Doyle: I think about you a lot too. Not that I have a lot to distract me, but yeah. Obsessed wouldn't be completely out of the ball park here.  
Doyle: But obsessed in a good way. Not in a homicidal computer, lock down the building and kill everyone else so I can keep you all to myself sorta way.  
Doyle: I have mentioned I've read too much science fiction, right?

Angel: Um, no, somehow you never got around to mentioning that.  
Angel: Seriously though, if you need me here, I can stay here.

Doyle: I know. Really. :-)  
Doyle: Not that I'd go around killing random people just because I'm cranky anyway.

Angel: You're cranky?  
Angel: Why?

Doyle: Not right this moment, no.  
Doyle: I'm talking to you.

Angel: Okay, well good, but... the next time you're cranky, tell me. Okay? Because I want to help.

Doyle: I know. That's what you do.  
Doyle: Help. :-)

Angel: Um... so now you're cranky? Or are you just trying to confuse me?  
Angel: God I want to touch you.

Doyle: I like how your mind works. I confuse you and you want to touch me. :-)  
Doyle: I want to touch you too.  
Doyle: Just so you know.

Angel: I think part of me's having a hard time believing this is real. Being able to touch you, that'd help.  
Angel: Plus I just want to.

Doyle: Yeah, I get the hard to believe this is real.  
Doyle: But touching would be good any time.

Angel: Been thinking about what it would be like to kiss you. What you taste like, you know?

Doyle: That would be nice, all right.  
Doyle: Wishing now that I'd had a chance to kiss you before I died like I did Cordelia.  
Doyle: Course, *you* might have gotten the visions then...

Angel: Huh. At least that would have been some kind of justice. I mean, I was the one that needed them, would have been more fair if I was the one that HAD them too.  
Angel: I kinda think it would have been a fair trade. But... you didn't think of me like that, did you? Back then?

Doyle: I didn't think *you* thought of *me* that way. If I had...

Angel: We both did a pretty good job of keeping ourselves alone, didn't we.

Doyle: Could you imagine Cordelia's reaction if we had managed to get together?

Angel: She probably would have been pissed off that we didn't have the better sense to fall for her.

Doyle: Yeah, completely ignoring that I did my best to do so.  
Doyle: But before you get insecure on me, if I'd thought for a moment that there was a chance with you, it wouldn't have even been a contest.

Angel: I had no idea. Completely clueless. Which I guess would explain why you didn't think there was any chance.  
Angel: If I'm ever clueless like that again, hit me over the head, would you?

Doyle: So that would be a legitmate reason to punch you? ;-)

Angel: I didn't say punch, I said hit. But yeah, I guess it would.

Doyle: I'll keep that in mind.  
Doyle: So other than kissing me, what do you want to do?

Angel: Other than run in the opposite direction away from this conversation? I'm surprised you haven't said anything about that yet -- the way I keep sort of changing the subject when we start talking about sex, I mean. Not that I don't want to, I'm just... a little freaked out about it.  
Angel: But what's that they say about confronting your fears? I can do that.  
Angel: I want to peel off your clothes. Real slow, until you squirm. Want to lick you all over, see what your skin tastes like.  
Angel: Promise me you'll stop me if this isn't okay.

Doyle: Oh it's very okay.  
Doyle: Very, very.  
Doyle: I wonder, when you get me outta here if there'll be clothes involved.  
Doyle: Might make it easy access for ya, if there wasn't.  
Doyle: Course there's probably going to be an audience, so maybe not.  
Doyle: Think you can keep your hands off me if I come back naked in front of a crowd?

Angel: Well, it's not like I'd jump you two minutes after you got back, whether we had an audience or not.  
Angel: Ten minutes maybe.  
Angel: But yeah. And good point, we'll make sure to have a blanket handy, and some spare clothes too.

Doyle: Just until we can get some privacy. Once we're alone, I'll be perfectly happy to have you peel me out of my clothes. Or blanket.

Angel: You might feel like crap when you first get out of there, for all we know. You might not be, um, up for anything. But maybe I could take you back to the hotel? We could touch each other without, you know, TOUCHING each other.

Doyle: You'll take me back to your place? Hold me till I feel better? Feel like I'm real again?

Angel: Yeah. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. Just say the word and it's yours.

Doyle: The word would be you. I want you.

Angel: You got me.  
Angel: Now you just have to decide what you want to do with me.

Doyle: Oh, I've got an idea or two. I'm sure I can keep your attention... at attention.  
Doyle: So to speak.

Angel: Doyle, I've been at attention pretty much since we started this conversation.

Doyle: Just proves my point then, doesn't it?  
Doyle: So do you want to hear what I'd do with you once I get you alone somewhere when I have a body?

Angel: Are you kidding? Yeah, of course I do.

Doyle: Ya sure? I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable or embarrassed or anything...

Angel: Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm sure. Tell me. Please?

Doyle: If you're completely certain...

Angel: Hey, I'm the one who can get up and walk away from this computer, you know.  
Angel: Not that I would.

Doyle: Actually from what I can see from here -- did you know these cameras have a lovely zoom option? -- walking looks like it might be difficult.  
Doyle: Bet you're wishing you wore looser fitting pants.

Angel: Was I saying something earlier about actually LIKING you? Because I'm starting to have second thoughts.  
Angel: You're not being very nice to me.

Doyle: If was actually there I'd be very nice to you.  
Doyle: I'd kiss you long enough that you'd be glad you don't need to breathe. I'd only stop because I do.

Angel: What if I don't want to stop? I could kiss you other places while you're catching you breath.

Doyle: I could go along with that. Any places in particular you thinking about?

Angel: I was thinking about maybe moving around behind you and kissing the back of your neck. You sensitive there?

Doyle: I'm thinking for you I would be.

Angel: And see, from there it's real easy to put my arms around you. And then my hands can reach all kinds of places.  
Angel: Did you know that you're warmer than most people?

Doyle: Am I?

Angel: Yeah. Not a lot -- maybe half a degree or something. But I noticed it right away. Must be the Brachen thing.

Doyle: Must be.  
Doyle: Though might just be you've always made me hot.

Angel: If you're trying to make me blush, I've gotta tell ya that I think all my blood's busy elsewhere.

Doyle: Yeah, I've noticed that. I mentioned the zoom on the camera, right?

Angel: I don't think I want to know how good a zoom that is.  
Angel: And I want to complain that this isn't fair, because you can see me and I can't see you.  
Angel: But on the other hand, I can actually touch myself.

Doyle: I can't help noticing that you're not taking advantage of this amazing ability.  
Doyle: Something I can do to encourage you?

Angel: I guess it just feels weird. In the office, I mean. It's not the kind of place that I usually do... that.  
Angel: Not that I do, a lot, anyway.

Doyle: Yeah, kinda figured that.  
Doyle: Maybe that's where the need to hit something all the time comes from.

Angel: Maybe.  
Angel: Bad association, you know?

Doyle: Yeah. Get that.  
Doyle: And not just the sex, perfect happiness, homicidal rampage association anymore, huh?

Angel: Exactly. I try to do... that... as little as possible. I think you're right though, that's probably why I get so worked up about fighting -- gotta relieve the tension somehow.

Doyle: Beat up instead of beat off.  
Doyle: One kind of lifestyle anyway.  
Doyle: So does this make you uncomfortable?

Angel: Yeah. I mean, not in an 'I don't want to do it' kind of way. Just... I feel stupid. Guilty. Like I'm doing something I shouldn't.  
Angel: And then I feel stupid for feeling stupid.

Doyle: You can take the boy out of the catholic but you can't take the catholic outta the boy.

Angel: I guess.  
Angel: Do I at least get points for recognizing that it's dumb?

Doyle: Yeah. And I'm not just talking about you. You're not the only boy raised Irish Catholic in this conversation y'know.

Angel: So you get it. The whole guilt thing, I mean.  
Angel: God, Doyle, if YOU don't want to do this... any of it, I mean...

Doyle: I'll tell you. I promise.  
Doyle: But so far, don't have a problem with it.

Angel: Okay. If you change your mind, you tell me. I'm not saying I wouldn't be disappointed, but I'd rather be disappointed than do something to hurt you.

Doyle: I know.  
Doyle: We don't have to do this right now if you're not comfortable with it. We can just talk about...other stuff.

Angel: It's not like I'm going to wake up tomorrow or the next day and suddenly be comfortable with it.  
Angel: And if we're being totally honest, if we don't do this now, I'm going to go into the bathroom as soon as we say goodbye and take care of it myself, because this is... starting to get kind of painful.

Doyle: Can't have that. Don't want you to be in pain after all.

Angel: Yeah. I get all broody. Trust me, you don't want that.  
Angel: Plus I could point out that it's not fair to get me all worked up and then leave me to suffer.  
Angel: I'd be kidding though.

Doyle: Don't worry. I wouldn't leave you hanging.  
Doyle: Where were we?

Angel: I think I was standing behind you. One hand up under your shirt, just feeling how warm your skin in. My mouth on your neck, tasting your skin.

Doyle: I'm still wearing clothes? Will have to see what we can do about that.  
Doyle: So... necks a hot spot for you?

Angel: Um, you do remember that I'm a vampire, right? Don't worry though, I'd be careful... I wouldn't get carried away or anything.

Doyle: I trust you. Besides, not sure vampires can drink Brachen blood.  
Doyle: Can you?

Angel: Can't say I've ever tried, but you're half human... Anyway, not important. You wanna share some of your own more sensitive spots? I mean, if we're gonna have the chance to sort of have a little practice session in here, it'd be nice if I could learn something from it. So that our real first time together's good.

Doyle: Oh I've no doubt it's going to be good.  
Doyle: But if we're talking sensitive spots.. the usual ones. And.. my ear lobes.

Angel: Really?  
Angel: Okay, good to know.

Doyle: Person focuses on those and I just melt.  
Doyle: Well aside from certain body parts.

Angel: I'd like to get my hands on those body parts. Want to touch you so fucking bad, Doyle.  
Angel: Can you see me?

Doyle: Oh yeah. Wish I could be doing that for you.  
Doyle: Wouldn't it be nicer if you open your pants?

Angel: Yeah. I want to. Is that okay?

Doyle: Angel, please believe me when I say that is very okay.  
Doyle: Want to see you.

Angel: God, you're right... that's so much better. I can't even remember the last time I... well, it's been a long time.  
Angel: Do I look like a complete idiot typing one-handed?

Doyle: Watching you, idiot is not the first word that is popping into my brain  
Doyle: Sexy and gorgeous and *want* are there far above idiot.

Angel: Um... wow. Thanks. Jesus, this feels good. And yeah, I wish it was your hand instead.  
Angel: Gorgeous? Really?

Doyle: Really.  
Doyle: Even with the hair.  
Doyle: Kidding.

Angel: Ha ha.  
Angel: Tell me what you'd do, if you were here? I mean, if you could touch me?

Doyle: I wanna run my hands all over you.  
Doyle: See if your muscles are as hard as they look, your skin as smooth. Get to know every inch, so I could identify you with a touch in the dark.

Angel: I'd like that. Your warm hands on me.

Doyle: Yeah. My warm hands all over you.  
Doyle: Wrapped around you.

Angel: God.  
Angel: Not gonna last much longer like this. It's been such a long time, and you...

Doyle: S'okay. I wanna see you come.  
Doyle: Wish I could taste you.

Angel: (long pause)  
Angel: God, you knew that was going to push me over the edge, didn't you.

Doyle: I was hoping, yeah. :-D  
Doyle: That was amazing.

Angel: Was it? I mean, it was for me.  
Angel: I wish there was a way to, you know...

Doyle: Watching you is good enough. For now at least.  
Doyle: Lots of new material for my own "moments" when I get my body back.

Angel: Well unless you want to do it alone, you aren't going to have to. I don't want to miss a single chance to watch you come, to MAKE you come.

Doyle: I think we've managed to successfully overcome the Irish Catholic guilt here. :-D

Angel: Yeah, I think so. Can you see me smiling? I don't... Christ. I think I really needed this. You.

Doyle: I'm glad. And not just because it's nice to be needed.  
Doyle: But you should smile more.

Angel: I'll... try.  
Angel: Somehow I think it's going to be easier with you around.

Doyle: Good. Because here I am.

Angel: You okay? Not too frustrated?

Doyle: Nah.  
Doyle: It's true what they say -- the mind is the biggest sexual organ.

Angel: Soon as you're out of there, and you feel up to it, I want a chance to get my hands on your second biggest, okay?

Doyle: :-D It's a date.

Angel: Wow. Long time since I had one of those. I mean, Buffy, and before her there wasn't anyone but Darla really. And we never dated, unless you want to count, you know, killing people.

Doyle: We can skip the killing people on ours.  
Doyle: And now that I've said that, we'll get interrupted and have to go kill some vamps or demons or something.

Angel: I think no killing would be good. They say it's important not to repeat the same patterns in relationships.  
Angel: Plus stuff that doesn't remind me of Darla is a good thing too.

Doyle: Yeah. Can see that.  
Doyle: Specially with the Connor thing.

Angel: Uh-huh.

Doyle: Should I not talk about him...?

Angel: I don't know. Not like it'll change anything.

Doyle: Maybe not. But...  
Doyle: You're not going to forget him.

Angel: No, I'm not.  
Angel: Sometimes I kind of wish I could, just because it hurts so much. It's like it's bigger than me, the hurting.

Doyle: I know.  
Doyle: I mean I don't *know* know -- I can't because I've never had to give up a child -- but I can see how much it hurts.

Angel: I think I need a drink, if we're going to talk about this.  
Angel: (pause)  
Angel: Okay.  
Angel: I mean, don't get me wrong. I knew it was going to be hard. Letting him go.

Doyle: But you did it anyway. Because it was the best thing for him.  
Doyle: To give him a chance at a better life.

Angel: I hope so. God, I hope so.  
Angel: I have to believe that this is better for him. I mean, pretty hard for anything to be worse.

Doyle: Do you know where he is?

Angel: Yeah. I went to see him. He didn't know I was there, just... I had to know. Had to see it for myself.  
Angel: He looked... happy.  
Angel: He looked like a different person.

Doyle: He's still your son.  
Doyle: I know I keep saying that.

Angel: He'd be better off if he wasn't. The Powers screwed up on that one, big time. Luckily, I managed to get it fixed so as far as he knows, he's not.  
Angel: And see, thinking about stuff like this is what makes me want to put my fist through a wall.

Doyle: I wish there was some way I could give him back to you.

Angel: Well you can't.  
Angel: Sorry. I'm not mad at you.  
Angel: Just the world in general I guess.

Doyle: And you've good reason to be! Man, Angel, what you've been through...

Angel: But I did it to myself, you know?  
Angel: Not that I knew Darla was gonna get pregnant. That shouldn't have happened.  
Angel: I just... fucked it all up.

Doyle: Y'know, one of your less endearing qualities is your habit of taking all of the blame onto your shoulders. From where I'm sitting, the blame about what happened with Connor lies with Holtz more than anyone.  
Doyle: And before you start taking the blame for Holtz, no one made him steal and use a child like he did.

Angel: Maybe not, but I'm the one who made Holtz obsessed with killing vampires. Well, me and Darla together.  
Angel: I...  
Angel: I'm just tired. I know I'm being all maudlin and shit. Ignore me.

Doyle: I'm never going to ignore you.  
Doyle: You're just going to have to get used to being all maudlin with an audience.

Angel: No. I think it'd be better if I did it without an audience. Or you as the audience, anyway. Last thing you need's to see me like this.

Doyle: Bullshit.

Angel: There, see? You're getting all pissed off at me.

Doyle: I'm not getting -- Look, I don't like to see you hurting, true, but I'd much rather see you hurting than think you're off somewhere hurting all alone.  
Doyle: Even if there's nothing I can say or do to make it better, at least I'm there.

Angel: But you don't get it. You shouldn't HAVE to be there. It's just a big fucking mess that no one can fix.

Doyle: You're the one not getting it. I WANT to be there. I love you, idiot.

Angel: Yeah, obviously I don't get it. Because I have no fucking idea WHY. And I don't want you to tell me, because even if you do, I'm not going to believe it.  
Angel: NOW do you see why there's no point?

Doyle: Do you love me?

Angel: Yeah. I do.

Doyle: Do you want me to have what I want?

Angel: Yeah.  
Angel: Even if I can't give it to you and you have to go somewhere else.

Doyle: Well that's going to be kinda difficult to do since what I want is YOU.  
Doyle: There's quite a shortage of you anywhere other than where you are.  
Doyle: So you're just going to have to suck it up and deal with the fact I love you and I'm not going anywhere.  
Doyle: Whether you're happy or horny or maudlin or drunk -- which I'm thinking you might be heading towards right now -- I'm not going anywhere.  
Doyle: So get used to it.

Angel: I can't. Get used to it, I mean.  
Angel: I feel like the biggest idiot in the world, that I was given this amazing chance, to be a vampire AND a dad, and I fucked it up. I lost him.  
Angel: I LOST him.

Doyle: I-  
Doyle: God Angel, I wish I had a body right now because I really need to give you a hug.  
Doyle: There's nothing I can say that will make this seem any better. I wish there was. If there was anything I could do...  
Doyle: I'm sorry Angel. If I could exchange myself, give you your son back I would.

Angel: No. Don't even say that.  
Angel: Don't even think it.  
Angel: I need another drink.

Doyle: No you don't.  
Doyle: Take it from someone intimately familiar with needing another drink.

Angel: At least I'm not going to destroy my kidneys or whatever it is that alcohol messes with.

Doyle: Liver.

Angel: Right.  
Angel: Um... what was I saying?

Doyle: You were talking about how you weren't going to have another drink.

Angel: Liar.  
Angel: Anyway, I meant before that.

Doyle: You were telling me how I wasn't supposed to even think about exchanging myself for your son.

Angel: Yeah.  
Angel: That was why I thought I needed another drink, because it's too hard to think about it.  
Angel: He's better off where he is. I just need to concentrate on that.

Doyle: I wish I could make it better. I know I can't but-

Angel: It's okay, Doyle. Don't feel bad about it. It's done. I just have to let it go.  
Angel: Let HIM go.

Doyle: You can keep him in your heart and your soul. Even if you have to let him go in life.

Angel: Yeah.  
Angel: You're right.

Doyle: If you could just remember that I usually am, it could cut down these kind of discussions a lot.  
Doyle: ;-)  
Doyle: So when do you have to meet Wesley?

Angel: Um, I don't know. He said he'd come find me if he could get away from the research/spell prep thing.  
Angel: Huh, guess zipping up my pants could be a thing.

Doyle: Yeah. As much as I like you the way you are now, that might not be how you want to start the conversation with Wesley.

Angel: Probably not. If he even shows up -- he's really pushing himself on this whole Cordy thing. I mean, we've got people to do stuff like this, but he wants to oversee everything himself.

Doyle: He's terrified of letting people down, y'know. Of making a mistake.

Angel: Considering where the last mistake got him, I'm not surprised.

Doyle: Yeah. But do you want him feeling like that?

Angel: No. But... he's always been like that, Doyle. I mean maybe not to the current extent. Nothing I said ever made a difference before. Heck, most of the time I think I made stuff worse, trying to make him relax.

Doyle: I don't think he thinks very much of himself.

Angel: Deep down? No, I don't think he does either.  
Angel: He's a good guy. He means well.

Doyle: Yeah. Though 'he means well' is the kind of compliment that you say when you can't think of anything better.  
Doyle: But you should tell him the part about you thinking he's a good guy.

Angel: I didn't mean it like I couldn't think of anything better to say. He did a hell of a thing, getting me out of the ocean like he did. Don't know if anyone else could have done it.

Doyle: I'm just the new guy come to this but I'm glad he's the one working to get me outta here. And to help Cordelia.  
Doyle: But he doesn't think he's anything special.

Angel: Well, he's wrong about that. I guess it's kind of hard to explain...  
Angel: Me and Wes were... close. I mean, really. Before the Connor thing.  
Angel: But I can't just turn back time and make what happened disappear. Um, except for the part where I sort of did.

Doyle: Yeah. All but the feelings.  
Doyle: No one's asking you to turn back time, Angel.  
Doyle: Just deal with the way things are now.  
Doyle: Ya gotta decide if you want to try and save the friendship or write Wesley off.

Angel: I don't want to write him off. I guess I'm just not convinced there's any way to save it. How do I forgive him for something he doesn't remember? How does he forgive me for trying to kill him?  
Angel: He must hate me for that.

Doyle: He doesn't.  
Doyle: He's angry about it, but he sees why you did it, or at least why he thinks you did it given the memory change, and he understands. So he feels guilty for being angry, on top of being angry and hurt and...  
Doyle: An apology from you would help.

Angel: I said I'd apologize.  
Angel: I'm not sure it's going to help, but I'll do it.

Doyle: It'll help.

Angel: Okay, I'm gonna take your word for that. So you'd better be right. If you're wrong, I'm going to... well, I can't think of anything right now.

Doyle: Yell at me?  
Doyle: That's about all you can do right now.

Angel: Yeah, but I'm good at it.  
Angel: Actually no, I'm better at sulking probably, and don't think I'm not aware that it's really unattractive.  
Angel: So feel free to tell me to knock it off when I'm doing it.

Doyle: Don't I always? :-)

Angel: Yeah. One of the things I like about you.  
Angel: So... are you gonna be okay tonight?  
Angel: Because I can skip this Wes thing, wait to do it until you're out of there, if you need me to.

Doyle: I'll be okay.  
Doyle: If you and Wesley talk in the building, I might... watch  
Doyle: If that won't make you uncomfortable?  
Doyle: If you don't want me to-

Angel: No, it's okay. I don't think we'll be much to look at, but if you want to, I don't mind.

Doyle: Least I'll know if you come to blows or anything.  
Doyle: Which you're not going to do.

Angel: No, we're not. Don't know what kind of impression I've given you, but it's not that bad. We even talk, it's just... short and a little bit awkward.

Doyle: Yeah, I get the feeling that he's about as good at heart to hearts as you are.

Angel: He's from England, AND he was a Watcher. So yeah, he might be better at them than me, but not by much.  
Angel: Can I ask you something about him?

Doyle: Sure.

Angel: You think he still wants to be here? Um, working at Wolfram and Hart?  
Angel: Or do you think he just doesn't know where else to go?

Doyle: I think he wants to be somewhere he can do good.  
Doyle: I think he'd like it to be somewhere he has friends, but he doesn't think that he's deserving of that.

Angel: So you think he's staying here because he doesn't think we're his friends and that's what he deserves? Or that's why he doesn't go looking for somewhere else? Or both?  
Angel: I'm all confused.

Doyle: He stays because you are doing good here.  
Doyle: And, maybe, because some part of him still hasn't given up on being friends with you.  
Doyle: I.. don't know about his relationship with any of the others. We've pretty much just talked about you and Cordelia.

Angel: If he hasn't given up on being friends with me, then he's... well, I'm impressed.  
Angel: I do want things to get better between me and him. I'd like it if he stuck around.

Doyle: Tell him that too.  
Doyle: If you both know that the other wants things to get better, least then you'll know that you're in it together.

Angel: I wish you could come with me and tell me what to say.

Doyle: I suppose I could feed you lines over a computer.  
Doyle: But that's a little too Cyrano don't you think?

Angel: Well yeah. Plus I'm not trying to get him to fall in love with me.

Doyle: That could get a little crowded. Since I'm already in love with you.

Angel: Me too. With you, I mean. It's hard to say it, but it's there. You believe me, right?

Doyle: Yeah.  
Doyle: I can see you smile.

Angel: Oh yeah. I... oh hey, Wes is at the door. And it's locked, geez. Hang on a second...  
Angel: He says he's ready to go. Wants to go up the street to this bar. Is that okay with you? Because we can stay here instead, if you want us to. I won't mind. At all.  
Angel: Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth.

Doyle: Go ahead.  
Doyle: This might be easier over drinks. Well, for him. You've had enough already.  
Doyle: Just come back and tell me what happened?

Angel: I will. And I promise not to overdo it with the drinking.  
Angel: Take it easy, okay?

Doyle: Not much else I can do.  
Doyle: Good luck.

Angel: Thanks. For everything.  
Angel: I love you. Don't forget that.

Doyle: I won't. Same here.

Angel: Okay. See you in a while.

Doyle: I'll be here.

Angel: Yeah, you said that already. Okay, I'm going now. For real.  
Angel: Bye Doyle.

¥ Angel has left #angelsoffice


	11. Chapter 11

Angel finished typing reluctantly and signed off, then turned to Wes with an apologetic shrug. "Sorry. I kind of hate to leave him here alone, you know?"

"We could do this another time if you'd rather "

"Are you kidding? He'd kill me." Angel tilted his head to one side, looking at the other man and noting that Wes probably hadn't been getting enough sleep either. "He thinks we need to talk." He hesitated, then added, "I think he's right."

Wesley's lips turned up into a faint ghost of a smile. "Doyle's rather good at getting people to want what he thinks they should."

Angel blinked, not knowing for sure what Wesley was saying. "You don't think we should talk?"

"I didn't say that. Just that the idea hadn't occurred to me until Doyle started replying to every other paragraph with 'Talk to Angel'."

Going over to get his coat -- he wouldn't need it, but he didn't feel right without it -- Angel gestured at the doorway in the hopes that they were going to get moving. "Yeah, I've been getting the other side of that, myself."

Wesley stepped out into the hallway and waited for Angel to join him. "Was he always this...this..."

"Pushy?" Angel hit the light switch on his way out. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Remarkable skill," Wesley mused. "To be that... pushy, but still be quite likable."

They started down the hallway, at least eighteen inches of empty space between them. "He thinks he knows what he's doing." Angel thought about that for a second. "He usually does."

"Irritating, that." Wesley pressed the button for the elevator when they reached the end of the hall.

"It can be, yeah." Angel stuck his hands in the pockets of his coat. "So what else has he been saying to you? Other than the talk to me thing?"

"We've talked about Cordelia some." Wesley's voice softened a little on the name. "And...cabbage patch brachen demons."

The doors opened, and Angel let Wes go into the elevator first. "*What* kind of brachen demons?"

"Cabbage patch brachen demons. Like the doll? Doyle thinks they could be the next hot toy."

"Okay, I'm thinking it's not a bad thing that I have no idea what you're talking about." Angel made sure to keep at least some distance between them as the elevator started its descent.

"That was also part of the conversation," Wesley told him, seeming to take note of the space between them and stepping further away in response.

There, see? Wes couldn't get far enough away from him. Convinced that Doyle was nuts, Angel sighed. "You were talking about how clueless I am?" Why did that not make him feel any better?

"When it comes to popular culture, yes."

"Popular culture scares me."

Again Wesley gave him one of the barely-there smiles. "Yes, I've noticed."

One floor from the lobby. Before the elevator could stop, before the doors could open, Angel blurted out, "I'm sorry."

Wesley turned and looked at him.

There wasn't enough time. Quick as lightning, Angel reached out and pushed the stop button on the elevator, freezing it in place before they could reach the lobby. The movement put him closer to Wesley than he'd been in a while. "Um... I'm sorry?"

Wesley didn't move away, just continued to look at him. "For what, exactly?" Wesley asked carefully.

Angel kept very still. Last thing he wanted was to freak Wes out. "For the thing in the hospital. The pillow thing." He looked at Wes steadily, trying to let his regret show in his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Wesley's eyes closed briefly, and he was close enough that Angel felt the breath of his soft sigh. "I...understand why you... But thank you."

"I don't want things between us to be... like this. The way they've been." Angel struggled to find the right words. "I know we can't go back. But I want us to be able to talk again."

Wesley continued to stare at him, and Angel glimpsed complicated emotions pass through the other man's eyes: pain, regret, hope blazing then swiftly pushed back down. Then, surprisingly, Wesley chuckled softly, shifting to lean his head against the elevator wall. "I feel like something of a fool right now."

"What?" Angel felt an almost-overwhelming urge to reach out and touch Wes -- just his shoulder, something -- but he managed to repress it. "Why?"

"Because I've spent an exorbitant amount of time insisting to Doyle that you'd never... Well, say what you just said."

Realizing how close they were still standing, Angel took a tentative step sideways. "That I was sorry?" He glanced at the stop button. "Did you think I wasn't? Or just that I wouldn't say it?"

"You were... justified... in your actions, considering," Wesley said softly. "But I was talking about wanting us to talk again."

"Oh." Angel reached out and fiddled with the stop button, but didn't pull it back out again. "Well yeah, I do. I... miss you."

"Really?" The word, wistfulness personified, seemed to have slipped out without Wesley meaning it to.

"Yeah." Angel smiled a little bit sadly. "As much as I miss Cordy. And you've been here the whole time."

Wesley was beginning to look torn. "I... This doesn't change anything." He paused. "Does it?"

Angel had to be honest. "No. I mean, it can't change what already happened -- nothing can do that. But... we can get past it. Maybe. Can't we?"

Wesley looked at him, then looked away. "I don't know," he said softly, raw honesty in his voice.

There was a long moment in which Angel didn't know what to say, and then he pulled the stop button out, and the elevator finished its journey to the lobby. As the doors started to open, Angel said, very quietly, "So do you still want to get a drink? Or is this it?"

"Whatever we end up being, I don't think this is it," Wesley said, managing to find a smile. "It's... it's going to be difficult, but I don't want to give up just because of that."

Angel wasn't sure he dared to smile in return, so again he waited for Wes to leave the elevator first, and followed after him, not too closely. "Where we going?" he asked, as they went out the front door of Wolfram and Hart.

"There's a English style pub not far from here; it came up in a conversation with Doyle, which is what got me thinking about it. We can get a drink there, and it's quiet enough that we can...talk." Wesley glanced at him as they walked down the sidewalk. "If you still want to ?"

"Yeah," Angel said hastily. "As long as you do." He shrugged a little bit. "As long as you're not just humoring me."

"That's never been something I've been very good at."

"Humoring people in general? Or just me?"

He got another faint smile. "Both."

"That's probably good." Angel kept glancing at Wes out of the corner of his eye. "So how've you been?"

"Well," Wesley answered promptly. Then after a moment of awkward silence, he added in a softer voice, "Busy. Tired. There's been a lot to do."

"There are a lot of people to do it. You don't have to do everything yourself."

"I don't. But there are some things I have to do, some decisions I have to --" Wesley broke off. "If I don't make them, there isn't anyone else to."

Angel stopped dead in his tracks, not unaware that the metaphor was really appropriate. "What are you... are you on *drugs?* Wes... you're not alone in this. I mean, I'm not saying I'm the most qualified person to make decisions, but you don't have to take responsibility for everything."

Wesley wouldn't look at him. "You've had your own responsibilities running the entire lawfirm. Helping Cordelia and Doyle, those are things that are assigned to my department -- it's my responsibility to help them. I can't -- I won't make a mistake. Again." Wesley's face screwed up as if trying to reach for something that wasn't there. "I..."

Angel felt a stab of guilt when he realized that he was seeing the compulsion not to talk about the replaced memories in action. "Hey, come on. It's gonna be fine -- we're gonna fix things. For both of them. And when I say 'we' I mean 'you,' but not in a pressure kinda way. You're doing great."

"I don't want to fail either of them. I don't want to fail you."

The need to reassure Wesley was stronger than the part of Angel that wanted to admit that he had his own doubts, faint though they were. "You aren't going to. Geez, if this is the kind of thing you've been thinking, no wonder you've been depressed." Too late, he realized that this was something Doyle had told him, and probably something he shouldn't have admitted to knowing.

And Wesley, smart as he was, didn't miss the slip. "Doyle's been telling tales, I see."

Angel shook his head. "Not exactly. I asked how he thought you were, he told me. It's not like he just came out with it."

Wesley shook his head. "It doesn't surprise me much. Doyle's been at me to " He abruptly cut himself off.

Angel waited, then slowly started walking again. *Very* slowly. "Been at you to what?" he asked, as casually as he could.

"Been after me to tell you how much I... admire you. Think you're... good," Wesley replied softly a moment later.

Angel snorted before he realized he was going to, then stopped again. "You're serious."

Wesley nodded. "I am."

"Okay, now I *know* you're on drugs."

This time it was Wesley who stopped and faced him, expression serious. "Angel, I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in you how you care, what you do."

He didn't even know where to begin with that. "Seems like you have good reason not to believe in me," he said finally.

"I have good reason to believe in you too. I..." Wesley looked away. "What happened between us, that doesn't change that. I- I tried.. It was... me. My fault. I..." Again Wesley trailed off, obviously fighting the mental compulsion.

They started walking again.

"I think when we get Doyle out of there, we should make him have one of these kinds of talks," Angel offered.

That surprised a laugh out of Wesley. "Yes. Though somehow, I doubt he'd find it this difficult."

"Probably not." Angel relaxed a little bit when he thought of Doyle, feeling warmed from within. "He thinks I shouldn't have any more to drink tonight."

Wesley gave him a startled look. "You've been drinking?"

Damn. Angel'd thought it was obvious. "Um... no?"

"Why? Because the thought of talking to me was so... unpalatable?"

"What?" Angel stopped again, aware that if he kept doing this they'd never actually *get* to the place with the drinks. "No!" He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to ease the ache there. "Actually, it was because Doyle and I were talking about... stuff that wasn't very fun. To talk about."

"Oh." Wesley got very quiet.

What the hell was that supposed to mean? "Oh?"

"Well, it's obvious whatever it is isn't something you want to discuss with me." Wesley shrugged. "So what else can I say?"

"I think Doyle was wrong."

Wesley grew still. "About what?" he asked, the tension palpable in his body. "Us?"

Angel looked at Wesley and wondered if it was even possible for them to get back to things being good between them, when everything was a misunderstanding. "No, about the drinking. Please tell me we're somewhere near the place we're going, or I'm gonna start wishing we'd stayed in the office and talked there."

"Oh." Some of the tension seemed to run out of Wesley, replaced by embarrassment. "Sorry, I-" He shook his head. "Sorry." He gestured down the street. "It's just another block."

"Doyle was kind of hoping we'd stay at the office so he could keep an eye on us," Angel said, relieved that it wasn't much further. "Said that way he'd know if we came to blows." He looked sideways at Wes. "You weren't planning on that, were you?"

"It wasn't in my top five things to do tonight, no."

Angel grinned, just a little bit. "Good. I'm thinking that'd put a damper on the whole getting back together thing."

"Plus there's the whole breakable thing to worry about," Wesley added.

"Breakable thing?"

"Me."

"Oh." Angel put his hands back in his pockets as they neared what was obviously the pub. "Wesley, I'm not going to... I mean, I wouldn't..."

"I know," Wesley quickly assured him with another of those faint smiles. "It was an attempt at humour. A rather poor one, it turns out."

"Never claimed to be the smartest guy around." Angel pulled the door to the pub open and held it for Wes. "That'd be you."

For a second Wesley paused midstep before continuing on through the door. "Except when it counts, it seems."

The inside of the pub was kind of dark, and there weren't a lot of people. It seemed like a good place to talk. If you were any good at that sort of thing.

Angel was becoming increasingly convinced that he wasn't.

He had no idea what to say.

Wesley got their drinks at the bar, then led the way to a table back in a dark corner. They sat down, and the awkward silence continued until Wesley, obviously casting around for a subject that wouldn't be an issue, asked, "Does Doyle seem the same?"

Looking down into his drink thoughtfully, Angel said, "Yeah. Completely. I mean, not like a lot's happened to him since the last time I saw him, so I guess that makes sense."

"It does make you wonder though, doesn't it?" Wesley stared thoughtfully down at his glass. "Was he somewhere else and just can't remember? Or is that all there is when we die nothing?"

"Speaking from personal experience, I don't remember anything," Angel said. "But then, not like I was dead for years. Maybe there wasn't time for anything exciting to happen."

"It could be different for a vampire though. When you're turned, it's not so much death as a... physiological change."

"Yeah, I guess." Angel shrugged and took a sip of his drink, wondering if getting really really drunk would make talking easier.

"It's something I contemplate from time to time." Wesley picked up his drink and took a healthy swallow. "I've met a significant number of people who have died and come back, and I still have no idea what happens when we do. Die, I mean. Heaven, hell, nothing..."

"Hell's no picnic. But then, I've always thought that hell dimensions were, you know... *dimensions.* Not places where people go when they die."

Wesley looked up. "What do you think happens to us when we die?"

It felt like he was caught in Wes' gaze. "I don't know," he said slowly. "I was kind of hoping it was just... the end."

Wesley's eyes got distant. "No more struggle, no more pain or doubts. No more responsibilities weighing you down... Nothing does have a certain appeal."

Even though he'd been in that place himself, and pretty recently, Angel didn't like the thought of Wes being there. "Is it because you miss her?"

"How can I miss her when she won't go away?" Wesley's mouth twisted into a bitter grimace.

Angel was taken aback. Again. "Oh. I, um... didn't realize she'd been around that much."

"Once was too much."

Confused now, Angel sat back in his chair and just looked at Wes, as if staring at him would somehow clear things up. "But I thought you said she won't go away. I thought you meant she was, you know, hanging around a lot."

Wesley rubbed a hand over his face tiredly. "She doesn't have to be hanging around to still be here. It's enough that she could- that she's-"

"That she's what?" Angel asked gently.

"In hell. In perpetuity. And I couldn't- I can't-" Wesley sighed and drained the rest of his drink. "Another person I failed."

Now Angel was really starting to get worried. "Lilah knew what she was getting herself into, Wes. It's not your fault that she signed that contract, and it's not your fault that she's... dead."

Wesley didn't answer.

Angel reached across the table and touched Wesley's hand, very briefly. Just to get his attention. "Tell me that you know it's not your fault."

"Intellectually, I know that Lilah made her own choices."

"But emotionally...?"

"Emotionally... I still feel like there should have been something I could do."

Angel sighed. "I think this is where Doyle would say something like 'You can't keep beatin' yourself up over something you didn't have any control over.'"

Wesley slumped back in his seat. "It's the fact that I can't stop thinking I should have been in control."

"Of what? The fact that she signed some contract years before she even met you?"

"She was killed because I... we... didn't realise that Cordelia..." Wesley's gaze flickered to meet Angel's for a brief second. "Or that Angelus was going to double back."

Angel's own eyes immediately dropped to the table as he tried to cover up his own reaction. Damn, maybe it'd been a good thing that he hadn't been spending much time with Wes or any of the others since the mind wipe, if there was no way to know which memories were still the original ones and which had been altered.

He thought maybe Lilah had said something about this, but at the time Angel hadn't really been paying attention. He'd been so set on making things right for Connor that everything else had flown right in under the radar.

Not, he told himself, that he would have decided different, even if he'd known.

"That was my fault," he said finally. "Not yours."

A faint, bitter smile crossed Wesley's face. "I was taught to believe I should be able to anticipate all contingencies, should predict and be ready to counter..." He sighed. "I wasn't."

"So now you just, what, wallow in misery for the rest of your life because you're not perfect?" Angel couldn't help but notice the irritation that had crept into his voice.

He also couldn't help but notice the barely perceptible flinch that went through Wesley's form at Angel's tone and words. "It would seem so. My father would certainly agree."

"Then your father's an asshole."

Wesley gave a half shrug. "I won't argue. But it doesn't change anything."

"No, it doesn't. Which is why you've gotta get past it."

"Just like that?" Wesley gave a short bitter laugh. "It's not that easy."

"Didn't say it was." Angel cursed Lilah silently, thinking that as much of this was her fault as either of theirs. He tried to think of what Doyle might say, but after a minute he gave up and finished the rest of his drink instead. "Tell me something that would help. Just one thing."

The length of time it took Wesley to answer made Angel's heart sink. When he finally did speak, it was with a wistfulness that was so sharp it could cut. "Be my friend?"

"That... me?" Angel was stunned, open-mouthed. "I can help?"

Wesley seemed hesitant, but nodded mutely. "We were... I miss that."

Angel looked down at his hands, then up at Wesley, but he couldn't maintain the gaze. "Me too."

Wesley let his breath out in a long sigh. "So."

"So..." Angel tried a little smile. "Is this the part where we shake hands?"

"Think the world will end if we try?"

A genuine grin pulled the corners of Angel's mouth up. "I'm willing to chance it if you are."

He got an answering smile from Wesley, tiny but real, as they reached across the table to shake hands.


	12. Chapter 12

To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hello Wesley.

> > No problem. Angel's been keeping me company. Don't worry about me, just  
concentrate on helping Cordelia.

> I am. I just didn't want you to feel abandoned. I know what that's  
like, and it's not a pleasant feeling. I'd like to spare you from it if  
possible.

Thanks. I really appreciate the concern.

And I'm sorry you've had to feel like that.

> > Me? I miss it sometimes. But fate had other plans for me.

> You could go back to it at some point? If you wanted to. Without the  
visions, you'd be free to pursue whatever career path you chose.

Huh. Wow. I don't think it's sunk in that I won't have the visions still when I get outta here.

But still... the Alan Francis Doyle who was a teacher was a different man than who I am now. I don't think I can go back.

This is my world now, like it or not.

> > We're... talking some. About... stuff I'm doing what I can to help.

> I'm glad.

He called me earlier, actually, and said that he'd like to talk to me  
at some point. I don't know if I have you to thank (or possibly blame)  
for that. We're going to try to have a drink this evening, if work  
schedules allow.

Good. Now granted I'm in a rather removed position here but from where I sit both of you could benefit by talking out some of the things bothering you.

> > That doesn't seem to be working very well though, does it? Maybe you  
should try not suppressing and denying, see if that helps more.

> Maybe.

Not easy, I know. But it could end up with you feeling better ultimately.

> > Tell me about her?

> Lilah was... well, not unlike Cordelia in some ways. Spirited, full of  
life, not inclined to hold back her thoughts. But different as well, in  
that she did her best to keep her true feelings hidden most of the  
time. She was passionate and completely infuriating at times, but she  
never tried to hide who she was. She was very straightforward about the  
fact that her goals came first.

So it was a very intense relationship but with definite boundaries you couldn't go past.

Did you go past those boundaries anyway?

> Don't worry about that -- a memo went out shortly after you appeared,  
warning people that their might be some small glitches but that it was  
part of a system update, and not to worry about them. Everyone was told  
to report more serious issues to me, and I haven't heard anything, so I  
suspect whatever you've been doing so far has gone relatively  
unnoticed. No one will tamper with anything without my express  
approval. So feel free to experiment a bit, if you like. It's perfectly  
safe, as long as you're aware of what you're doing.

Thanks. It's a bit of a relief to know that. :-)

> You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files.

I don't think I know how but even if did I wouldn't start doing damage in here like that.

> > > No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be  
practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as  
over the past as he claims to be.

> > I don't think I'll be breaking any confidences if I tell you that  
you're not totally wrong about that. But he wants to want to, if that helps.

> Thank you. It does help to know that. He can be hard to read at times  
for me, at least and it's good to have my suspicions verified.

Angel doesn't share easily. It's not that he doesn't want to, he just finds it really hard. But he's trying. Ya gotta give the boy points for that.

And try to focus on the bit where I said he wants to be able to deal with all this instead of the bit where he hasn't been able to manage that yet.

> I'll admit that a fair amount of brooding has gone on, yes.

It's difficult because I can see things from his point of view so  
clearly can understand why he did what he did, and can't quite blame  
him for it. It makes it hard to know if I should be righteously  
indignant or suicidally depressed.

You've a right to feel what you feel, Wesley. There's no right or wrong -- whatever you feel is right.

But the fact that you can see Angel's point of view, see why he's feeling what he's feeling, that's good. That means you understand what he's going through. I know he's trying to see what you're going through too.

It's a place to start.

> > Maybe. Do you want to be friends with Angel again? The way you were  
before all the badness happened?

> A more pertinent question might be 'Do I believe it's possible to be  
friends the way we were?', and the answer is 'I don't think so.'

What I might or might not like isn't particularly relevant.

Answer the question anyway.

Humour the disembodied formerly dead guy.

> When I was in hospital after having my throat cut, he tried to smother  
me with a pillow.

Ah. Yeah, Angel mentioned that there was an... incident.

> Seeing that written out in words is... more disturbing than I'd like to  
admit.

 

I can imagine. It's disturbing to think about from where I am -- either Angel doing it, or you being subjected to it.

But you're in the middle of it. And writing things down makes them more real.

I know it's hard, but do you think maybe you should talk to Angel about what happened?

> > Finding out I was half demon was like finding out I had a genetic  
disease. Sucks for me and the chance that I could pass it on to any kids I had?  
Wasn't one I was willing to take.

> It's genetic material. Passing it on to any children you might have is

 

a guarantee.

Well yeah.

> I suppose it's more a matter of whether or not you can accept that.

Can you?

Back then? There was no way. Now? Well, it's kinda a moot point.

> > > Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so.

> > I will. They haven't been yet.

> Perhaps I'm not asking the right questions.

(In case there's any doubt, that was another attempt to be humourous.)

Caught it. :-)

> > > > Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the  
brooding department here.

> > > I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right.

> > Take it from the unbiased incorporeal consciousness in the computer  
system: you are.

> You're more unbiased than I, that's certain.

So, how do I stop? Throw myself back into life, go out in the evenings,  
date?

None of those sound particularly appealing.

My suggestion probably won't sound appealing either: Deal with the things that you're brooding over.

> > When we get her back, you can ask her.

It's Cordelia, you know she'll tell you the truth.

> That's true.

She might be a bit blunt about it, but you'll get an answer.

> > Once you know, you can fix things. 

> If that's possible.

It is.

> Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he  
might.

> > > I've never had any doubts.

> > Tell him that?

> I... I'll try.

Thanks.

> > > There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would  
receive a reward, become human and live again.

> > Oh. Wow. It hasn't come up in conversation with us yet.

> I think he's tried to put it from his mind. For all he knows it could  
be very far in the future, and he might prefer not to dwell on it on a  
daily basis.

That sounds like Angel all right. He hates to hope for anything good for himself.

> > > Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if  
he's thought of that.

> > No, I don't think so. That is was the prophecy, I mean. If it was, the  
Oracles would never have turned time back.

In a quite literal way it never happened so it couldn't be the  
fulfillment of the prophecy.

> That's one way to look at it.

I made at least one serious error when originally translating the  
prophecy, so it's more than likely that I made more and haven't yet  
realized it.

Or it could just be that the time for the prophecy hasn't come yet.

> > > It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough.

> > Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies. 

> I can understand that. When we finally realized that she wasn't  
herself, it was... extremely upsetting, on many levels.

Yeah. I'm trying to not think about it too much. Because I don't like to think about what Cordelia must've been feeling.

> > > I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls or similar  
spin-offs has come and gone.

> > Kids don't play with dolls and stuffed animals anymore?

> I'm sure they do, I just think that the merchandising craze has passed.

Or perhaps I'm more cut off from the current culture than I'm aware of.  
I'd suggest that you ask Angel, but I doubt he'd be of any more help  
than I.

Yeah. He probably thinks a Cabbage Patch doll is a doll made from a cabbage or something.

> > > I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for  
a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet.

> > Well we'll go out and I'll show you the difference. ;-)

Err just ignore me if I start calling anyone 'my little BamBam'.

> Will that be the point at which I know you've slipped into the bottle  
and are pickling your brain?

I won't be feeling any pain at least.

> > I... Thank you. I like you too. Both from our interaction and what  
you're doing for me, and from what Angel's told me about you.

> What...

I'm very surprised that Angel would have anything positive to say about  
me.

He does. Quite a bit.

Try to remember that when you talk.

> > > I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way  
many subconscious reactions often do. 

> > What incidents?

> The sort that make one feel as if one isn't deserving of being cared  
for, I suppose.

Is this one of those questions you don't want to answer?

> > > > I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough.

> > > The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er,  
in the emotionally negative sort of way.

> > Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be.

> No. Rather desperate actually.

You still in that place?

> > But Angel said it looked like Elvis. Which led into a discussion about  
whether Elvis could be a vampire...

As you can see we've been discussing many weighty issues.

> Good to know that you're working toward improving the world in such  
important ways.

Keeping the world safe from overweight rockstar vampires. It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it.

> > > Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a  
stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I  
mean.

> > Talk to him?

> Well, yes. I hope.

I'm actually rather nervous about it. The two of us together, trying to  
have meaningful conversation... there's a small voice in my head  
insisting that this can't go well.

That would be the voice to ignore. Throw virtual popcorn at. Heckle. Tell that voice that its mother dresses it funny and its father smells of elderberries.

You're both going in wanting to get past this thing that's lying between you. Keep that in your mind -- Angel wants this to work as much as you do.

> > > > Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes  
sorta way.

> > > I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it?

> > Yeah, I'm sure my autobiography will be a bestseller.

> I wonder if you could start writing it while you're in there. It would  
give you something to do in the moments that you aren't talking to me  
or Angel, or exploring the wonders of the computer system.

Maybe. If I'm in here long enough. Right now I'm having fun exploring the building via the security system.

Legitimate reason to be a peeping tom. It's kinda fun. :-)

> It's interesting, isn't it, how the world seems to have certain paths  
set out for some people? Paths that never seem to include any sort of  
stopping or relaxing or enjoying. Just moving forward in a line, with  
no end in sight.

When that happens, ya gotta take the relaxing and enjoying when you can. When you've been put on that kind of Path it's even more important to remember what you're fighting for.

> > I found it! At least I think so are you a tall, thin man with dark hair  
styled not totally unlike Angel's in need of a shave?

> Er, yes, that would be me.

My hair is like Angel's? I'm not sure that's something I particularly  
wanted to hear. Nor is it something that I'd realized. I'll have to do  
something to remedy it.

It's not completely like his. His is a bit more... what's the word I'm looking for?

But it suits you. Really.

> > > Cordelia's on premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the  
second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She  
wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system I  
think you'd need to access the wing's private system first.

> > I'll go take a look, see if I can find that. After I look in on Angel.

> Let me know if you find him. 

I have.

He looks the same.

He's set up some kind of chat -- or had it set up, at least -- so we've even talked in real time.

It was nice.

> Sometimes I want to pretend, if only briefly, that things can go back  
to being the way they once were. Don't misunderstand I know that  
they can't, not for me. But for some people Cordelia, you  
hopefully, they will.

Why can't they go back for you? I mean, yeah, experiences change us, but the feelings, the friends, that doesn't have to.

> > It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that.

> What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there?

Angel.

> > Excellent! I look forward to having her tell me off for dying and  
leaving her the visions.

> It's looking very promising so far. There isn't any reason not to think  
that we won't be able to do the spell tomorrow night. As soon as she's  
able, I'm sure Cordelia will be talking to you, even if it's only  
through Angel doing the typing for her.

Yeah, she was never that much of a wiz with a keyboard. But I'll take slow conversation with her over no conversation any day.

> > > How are you holding up?

> > I'm okay, more or less. There's been a few minutes here and there  
where it's been more less than more, but Angel's been there to talk me through.

> I'm here as well, if it's any consolation. I know you and Angel must  
have been... close, before, so I'm sure it's easier to talk to him. But  
if you need a second ear at any point, I'm more than willing to listen.

Thank you.

Angel and I, yeah we have some history.

But I appreciate what you've been doing for me and the conversation we've been sharing. I consider you a friend now, too, even if we haven't actually met in the flesh yet..

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

It was really good to talk to you before.

Things with me and Wes went... okay. Maybe better than okay, but I think I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I apologized, and we sort of... said that we were going to be friends again. I know it's not that easy, but still. We're gonna try.

 

> > Oh come on, don't tell me about poltergeists. I feel bad enough about  
Dennis.

Don't know who's staying in that apartment now. Gunn and Fred couldn't  
keep paying the rent there after Cordy disappeared, and we had to empty  
it out.

> But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil lawfirm and all, get the apartment  
back?

Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would be there  
for Cordelia when she wakes up.

Yeah, you're right. I hadn't even thought about it -- been too busy.

Maybe that's not totally true. 'Been too busy wallowing' might be.

 

> > Her hair's short now. She cut it, couple of years ago. It looks cute.

> Is it?

Y'know I'm trying to picture how she'd look with short hair and I'm not having  
much luck. Guess I don't have much imagination when it comes to women's  
hairstyles.

You'll be able to see for yourself soon enough.

 

> So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking stuff in your  
hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped?

Uh-huh.

> > > You never looked at yourself on cameras or in photos or anything?

> > Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to  
avoid it.

> Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something?

I'm so used to NOT seeing my reflection.

And yeah, actually. I do think I look kind of funny. Funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha, though I guess both apply.

 

> > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of  
Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it.

> That I was important?

Yeah. That, and that some of my feelings weren't just... friendly.

 

> > Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this  
whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it,  
but... it was worth it.

> Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes?

He thought it was the easy way out, I think. Like I was trying to get things better between me and her by buying her off.

 

> > Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as  
hell don't like the idea of you being there.

> There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much.

I get that. I've got stuff like that too.

If you ever DO want to talk about it, though, I wouldn't mind. If it'd help.

 

> > > Bite me.

> > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that.

> Depends on the context, I think.

Um... is this you being funny? Because you're not serious, right?

 

> If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But I don't  
want time taken from helping Cordelia for it.

It's my call. Not yours.

 

> > Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it  
was okay.

> If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay. More than  
okay. I highly encourage it.

There's nothing I'd like better than to taste every inch of your body.

And I mean EVERY inch.

 

> > Okay. Okay, it's just...

When Cordy told me and I know, it might not really have been her  
then, it's so hard to know when she told me that actually SEEING the  
stuff I'd done as Angelus meant she couldn't be with me... it just  
about killed me.

I don't want to go through that again.

> Okay, you get that "visions" mean "seeing" right? When the Powers sent me that  
first vision about you, it was pretty complete. I don't know if I got *every*  
atrocity you were involved with as Angelus but I got a goodly example. I've  
*seen* it, Angel, complete with the vision surround sound and emotions.

I'm sorry that you had to see that. It doesn't... make you feel different? About me, I mean? Knowing SEEING what I've done. I mean, I know you said it didn't, but... that's a lot of stuff. A lot of, um... sex stuff. BAD sex stuff.

> Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia possessed  
when she said that? 

Yeah?

I don't know. It's hard to know for sure. She might have been possessed when she came back from the Higher Being stint, you know? Or maybe not until after, when the... baby, pregnancy, whatever... started to assert itself. I'm kind of hoping we'll find out when we get her back that she'll be able to tell us for sure.

 

> > I get sleep. Just not enough, probably. Spend too much time thinking, I  
can't get quiet enough to really sleep. Everything's loud in my head.  
Sometimes I just want it to stop.

> You're just talking about it stopping long enough for you to get to sleep,  
right? Right?

Because otherwise I'm going to have to kick your butt.

You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email about you being  
there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away permanently?  
You get that it works both ways right?

I know.

And it's not as bad now. With you. And if things are going to get better with Wes.

But yeah, there've been times. I mean, I don't think I'd ever let myself do it. But times when I wished? Yeah.

 

> > It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way  
through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never  
saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers  
to do whatever she wanted with.

> Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right?

But I didn't want to ASK. I didn't know what she'd done with it. I didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was.

 

> > > It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming.

> > There's no middle ground. It's either forced, or it all comes out when  
I don't want it to.

> I'm here to listen whenever you need to let it out. I'm still going to be here  
if you don't talk about it.

I'm here.

You have no idea how much that helps just knowing that you're there.

 

> > I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or  
another.

> I first read that as "we could move in together."

That'd be okay too, if you wanted to.

I'm gonna go try to get some sleep. I kind of think I might be able to tonight. But I'll check in as soon as I can.

\- Angel

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

I want to thank you for encouraging Angel and I to talk last night. It was extremely awkward, and rather fraught with misunderstanding, but after a time we managed to find some common ground.

 

> > Lilah was... well, not unlike Cordelia in some ways. Spirited, full of  
life, not inclined to hold back her thoughts. But different as well, in  
that she did her best to keep her true feelings hidden most of the  
time. She was passionate and completely infuriating at times, but she  
never tried to hide who she was. She was very straightforward about the  
fact that her goals came first.

> So it was a very intense relationship but with definite boundaries you couldn't  
go past.

Did you go past those boundaries anyway?

Unfortunately, yes. I fell in love with her, on some level at least. I didn't intend to -- never thought it possible actually, which may be why it happened, as I wasn't guarding against it. So in the end it was my own fault that things turned out the way they did. Which she hasn't failed to remind me of.

 

> > You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files.

> I don't think I know how but even if did I wouldn't start doing damage in here  
like that.

No, I didn't mean to imply that you would. I was more concerned that you might inadvertently cut off one of the pathways through which you seem to be... conversing.

 

> > A more pertinent question might be 'Do I believe it's possible to be  
friends the way we were?', and the answer is 'I don't think so.'

What I might or might not like isn't particularly relevant.

> Answer the question anyway.

Humour the disembodied formerly dead guy.

The answer is yes, and I told him so.

Thank you.

 

> > It's genetic material. Passing it on to any children you might have is  
a guarantee.

> Well yeah.

> > I suppose it's more a matter of whether or not you can accept that.

Can you?

> Back then? There was no way. Now? Well, it's kinda a moot point.

Not at all. There's no reason to think that after you're out of there you won't be able to father children, if you care to.

 

> > So, how do I stop? Throw myself back into life, go out in the evenings,  
date?

None of those sound particularly appealing.

> My suggestion probably won't sound appealing either: Deal with the things that  
you're brooding over. 

It's so much simpler to be miserable.

There, see? My sense of humor is improving by the minute.

 

> > > Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies.

> > I can understand that. When we finally realized that she wasn't  
herself, it was... extremely upsetting, on many levels.

> Yeah. I'm trying to not think about it too much. Because I don't like to think  
about what Cordelia must've been feeling.

Perhaps she was fortunate and won't remember any of it.

 

> > Or perhaps I'm more cut off from the current culture than I'm aware of.  
I'd suggest that you ask Angel, but I doubt he'd be of any more help  
than I.

> Yeah. He probably thinks a Cabbage Patch doll is a doll made from a cabbage or  
something.

When I mentioned it last night, he seemed entirely unaware of its existence.

I'm not sure if I should feel relieved or frightened that I'm more in touch with the world than he is.

 

> > > > I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way  
many subconscious reactions often do.

> > > What incidents?

> > The sort that make one feel as if one isn't deserving of being cared  
for, I suppose.

> Is this one of those questions you don't want to answer?

Yes.

Let's just say that I had an unpleasant childhood and leave it at that.

 

> > > Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be. 

> > No. Rather desperate actually.

> You still in that place?

Not at the moment, no.

 

> > I'm actually rather nervous about it. The two of us together, trying to  
have meaningful conversation... there's a small voice in my head  
insisting that this can't go well.

> That would be the voice to ignore. Throw virtual popcorn at. Heckle. Tell that  
voice that its mother dresses it funny and its father smells of elderberries.

We chose to drink instead, as I thought that throwing livestock in downtown L.A. might attract a bit too much attention.

 

> Maybe. If I'm in here long enough. Right now I'm having fun exploring the  
building via the security system.

Legitimate reason to be a peeping tom. It's kinda fun. :-)

Have you seen anything interesting? You've piqued my curiosity.

 

> > My hair is like Angel's? I'm not sure that's something I particularly  
wanted to hear. Nor is it something that I'd realized. I'll have to do  
something to remedy it.

> It's not completely like his. His is a bit more... what's the word I'm looking  
for?

Insane?

> But it suits you. Really.

That doesn't reassure me at all.

 

> He's set up some kind of chat -- or had it set up, at least -- so we've even  
talked in real time.

It was nice.

Yes, I'm sorry I interrupted that last night. I hope I didn't come in at a bad time.

 

> > Sometimes I want to pretend, if only briefly, that things can go back  
to being the way they once were. Don't misunderstand I know that  
they can't, not for me. But for some people Cordelia, you  
hopefully, they will.

> Why can't they go back for you? I mean, yeah, experiences change us, but the  
feelings, the friends, that doesn't have to.

Currently, I'm focusing on making certain that tonight's spell goes off without a hitch.

I will admit that I'm feeling more hopeful about the future than I was before last night. But I have to focus my concentration on this evening at the moment. I can't take a chance on getting this wrong.

 

> > > It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that.

> > What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there?

> Angel.

Oh.

I... hadn't realized.

 

> > I'm here as well, if it's any consolation. I know you and Angel must  
have been... close, before, so I'm sure it's easier to talk to him. But  
if you need a second ear at any point, I'm more than willing to listen.

> Thank you.

Angel and I, yeah we have some history.

But I appreciate what you've been doing for me and the conversation we've been  
sharing. I consider you a friend now, too, even if we haven't actually met in the flesh yet..

I appreciate you saying so.

I feel the same way.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel. :-)

> It was really good to talk to you before.

It was. Really, really good.

> Things with me and Wes went... okay. Maybe better than okay, but I  
think I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I apologized, and we sort of...  
said that we were going to be friends again. I know it's not that easy,  
but still. We're gonna try.

I'm very glad to hear that.

I'm always proud of you when you try reaching out and connecting. :-)

> > But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil lawfirm and all, get the  
apartment back?

Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would  
be there for Cordelia when she wakes up.

> Yeah, you're right. I hadn't even thought about it -- been too busy.

Maybe that's not totally true. 'Been too busy wallowing' might be.

Well stop that.

I'm sure I can give you other things to keep your mind on.

But yeah, get the apartment back if you can.

> > Y'know I'm trying to picture how she'd look with short hair and I'm not having  
much luck. Guess I don't have much imagination when it comes to women's  
hairstyles.

> You'll be able to see for yourself soon enough.

Yeah. Looking forward to it.

Been picturing her reaction to my showing up hopefully in the flesh. Very entertaining pastime. Cordelia, she's always been so expressive...

> > So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking  
stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped? 

> Uh-huh.

Your hair's a habit then.

> > > > You never looked at yourself on cameras or in photos or anything?

> > > Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to  
avoid it.

> > Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something?

> I'm so used to NOT seeing my reflection.

And yeah, actually. I do think I look kind of funny. Funny peculiar,  
not funny ha-ha, though I guess both apply.

Well, having recently had a viewing of you through a camera, I can assure you that "funny" is not the first description that sprang to mind.

Sexy comes to mind.

> > > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of  
Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it.

> > That I was important?

> Yeah. That, and that some of my feelings weren't just... friendly.

Because I helped rescued you? Cordelia and Oz did too.

> > > Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this  
whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it,  
but... it was worth it.

> > Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes?

> He thought it was the easy way out, I think. Like I was trying to get  
things better between me and her by buying her off.

Well if it works...

Cordelia would've seen it as you really trying to make up. And that would have been enough for her to open the door to you.

But... maybe Wesley was mad because you didn't seem to be trying as hard to make up with him?

> > > Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as  
hell don't like the idea of you being there.

> > There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much.

> I get that. I've got stuff like that too.

If you ever DO want to talk about it, though, I wouldn't mind. If it'd  
help.

It's in the past now. Things have changed a lot since then and not just because I'm in a computer right now.

> > > > Bite me.

> > > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that.

> > Depends on the context, I think.

> Um... is this you being funny? Because you're not serious, right?

Depends on what you have in mind.

> > If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But  
I don't want time taken from helping Cordelia for it.

> It's my call. Not yours.

Pushy much?

I can wait, Angel. Really. Cordelia is more important.

> > > Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it  
was okay.

> > If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay.  
More than okay. I highly encourage it.

> There's nothing I'd like better than to taste every inch of your body.

And I mean EVERY inch.

You're really a very oral kinda guy, aren't ya?

Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

> > Okay, you get that "visions" mean "seeing" right? When the Powers sent  
me that first vision about you, it was pretty complete. I don't know if I got  
*every* atrocity you were involved with as Angelus but I got a goodly example.  
I've *seen* it, Angel, complete with the vision surround sound and emotions.

> I'm sorry that you had to see that. It doesn't... make you feel  
different? About me, I mean? Knowing SEEING what I've done. I mean,  
I know you said it didn't, but... that's a lot of stuff. A lot of,  
um... sex stuff. BAD sex stuff.

Angel, I saw all this before I ever met you. That's *why* we meant the Powers sent me to you. I came into this with my eyes wide open about your past. It doesn't make me feel different because I've always known.

And I'm still here, aren't I?

> > Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia  
possessed when she said that?

> Yeah?

I don't know. It's hard to know for sure. She might have been possessed  
when she came back from the Higher Being stint, you know? Or maybe not  
until after, when the... baby, pregnancy, whatever... started to assert  
itself. I'm kind of hoping we'll find out when we get her back that  
she'll be able to tell us for sure.

Seems to me, the way things went down, that her being possessed from when she came back makes the most sense.

I can't see Cordelia in her right mind doing that with Connor. She wouldn't hurt you like that. She wouldn't hurt Connor like that.

> > You're just talking about it stopping long enough for you to get to  
sleep, right? Right?

Because otherwise I'm going to have to kick your butt.

You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email about  
you being there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away  
permanently? You get that it works both ways right?

> I know.

And it's not as bad now. With you. And if things are going to get  
better with Wes.

But yeah, there've been times. I mean, I don't think I'd ever let  
myself do it. But times when I wished? Yeah.

Next time you wish, I wanna hear about it from you. I'll sit on you until the desire passes.

> > > It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way  
through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never  
saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers  
to do whatever she wanted with.

> > Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right?

> But I didn't want to ASK. I didn't know what she'd done with it. I  
didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was.

I wonder if she still has it.

> > I'm here to listen whenever you need to let it out. I'm still going to  
be here if you don't talk about it.

I'm here.

> You have no idea how much that helps just knowing that you're there.

Good. I'm not going anywhere.

> > > I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or  
another.

> > I first read that as "we could move in together."

> That'd be okay too, if you wanted to.

Well, considering my apartment is probably long gone along with the rest of my stuff, I might not have a choice, least at first.

Shame that. Forced on your hospitality. ;)

> I'm gonna go try to get some sleep. I kind of think I might be able to  
tonight. But I'll check in as soon as I can.

Good. Even vampires need their rest. Sweet dreams.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

I actually got some sleep I think. Not a lot, but some. It feels different.

 

> > It was really good to talk to you before.

> It was. Really, really good.

Yeah. And the other thing, too. That was good.

 

> > Things with me and Wes went... okay. Maybe better than okay, but I  
think I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I apologized, and we sort of...  
said that we were going to be friends again. I know it's not that easy,  
but still. We're gonna try.

> I'm very glad to hear that.

I'm always proud of you when you try reaching out and connecting. :-)

Thanks. For talking me into it.

It was the right thing to do. I mean, until you said something I didn't realize that things have been as bad for him as they have.

 

> > > But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil lawfirm and all, get the  
apartment back?

Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would  
be there for Cordelia when she wakes up.

> > Yeah, you're right. I hadn't even thought about it -- been too busy.

Maybe that's not totally true. 'Been too busy wallowing' might be.

> Well stop that.

I'm sure I can give you other things to keep your mind on. 

That'd be nice.

Really nice.

 

> But yeah, get the apartment back if you can.

I've got someone on it now. Shouldn't be a problem.

 

> > You'll be able to see for yourself soon enough.

> Yeah. Looking forward to it.

Been picturing her reaction to my showing up hopefully in the flesh. Very  
entertaining pastime. Cordelia, she's always been so expressive...

Uh-huh.

Sorry.

I don't really know what to say.

 

> > > So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking  
stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped?

> > Uh-huh.

> Your hair's a habit then.

I guess.

Are you saying it's one that needs to be broken? Because if you have any suggestions about what else I could do with it, I'm open to hearing them.

 

> > > Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something?

> > I'm so used to NOT seeing my reflection.

And yeah, actually. I do think I look kind of funny. Funny peculiar,  
not funny ha-ha, though I guess both apply.

> Well, having recently had a viewing of you through a camera, I can assure you  
that "funny" is not the first description that sprang to mind.

Sexy comes to mind.

See, when you say stuff like that, I've gotta wonder whether there's something seriously wrong with my eyes.

Or yours.

 

> > > > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of  
Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it.

> > > That I was important?

> > Yeah. That, and that some of my feelings weren't just... friendly.

> Because I helped rescued you? Cordelia and Oz did too.

I'm not sure I know what it was. The look in your eyes maybe? And how you let me smash the ring after sunset. You knew that no matter how much I wanted to keep the gem, it wasn't the right thing for me to do. And you let me do what I had to.

 

> > > Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes?

> > He thought it was the easy way out, I think. Like I was trying to get  
things better between me and her by buying her off.

> Well if it works...

Cordelia would've seen it as you really trying to make up. And that would have  
been enough for her to open the door to you.

Yeah! You get it. I mean, I had to do something. And I'm not good at the talking thing. I had to do something to prove to her that I was sorry. That was the only thing I could think of.

 

> But... maybe Wesley was mad because you didn't seem to be trying as hard to make  
up with him?

Huh. Maybe. He did say something about getting him flowers, I think. I didn't really get it at the time. But yeah, maybe... he acted like things were okay, but I kind of thought it was because he was the one in charge and he had to be like that. You know, kind of an alpha male thing.

 

> > > There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much. 

> > I get that. I've got stuff like that too.

If you ever DO want to talk about it, though, I wouldn't mind. If it'd  
help.

> It's in the past now. Things have changed a lot since then and not just because  
I'm in a computer right now.

Still. If you ever want to. I won't bug you about it again, so just remember, okay?

 

> > > > > Bite me.

> > > > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that.

> > > Depends on the context, I think.

> > Um... is this you being funny? Because you're not serious, right?

> Depends on what you have in mind.

Well, I'd be lying if I said I don't want to.

I mean, not all the time or anything. It's not like I walk around all the time wanting to drink from everybody. But... there's kind of a connection. Between blood and sex. So that's the time I'm most tempted.

But I'd NEVER do anything without you saying it was okay. You know that, right?

 

> > > If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But  
I don't want time taken from helping Cordelia for it.

> > It's my call. Not yours.

> Pushy much?

I can wait, Angel. Really. Cordelia is more important.

I hear you, and I'll take that into consideration. It's still my call. I'm not being pushy, just honest.

You're just as important as Cordelia is.

 

> > > If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay.  
More than okay. I highly encourage it. 

> > There's nothing I'd like better than to taste every inch of your body.

And I mean EVERY inch.

> You're really a very oral kinda guy, aren't ya?

Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

Um, I'm a vampire. Comes with the territory.

I think I can say with a fair amount of confidence that you'd like it. I wonder what you sound like when you beg.

Can't wait to find out.

 

> > I'm sorry that you had to see that. It doesn't... make you feel  
different? About me, I mean? Knowing SEEING what I've done. I mean,  
I know you said it didn't, but... that's a lot of stuff. A lot of,  
um... sex stuff. BAD sex stuff.

> Angel, I saw all this before I ever met you. That's *why* we meant the Powers  
sent me to you. I came into this with my eyes wide open about your past. It  
doesn't make me feel different because I've always known.

And I'm still here, aren't I?

I know. I just hadn't thought about that part of it. The sex stuff with guys, I mean, and what I did to them, and what it might be like for you to see stuff like that.

I feel sick thinking about it. I can't imagine why you wouldn't.

 

> > > Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia  
possessed  
when she said that?

> > Yeah?

I don't know. It's hard to know for sure. She might have been possessed  
when she came back from the Higher Being stint, you know? Or maybe not  
until after, when the... baby, pregnancy, whatever... started to assert  
itself. I'm kind of hoping we'll find out when we get her back that  
she'll be able to tell us for sure.

> Seems to me, the way things went down, that her being possessed from when she came  
back makes the most sense.

I know. I guess I just couldn't blame her, if it was really her, for thinking those things. So I don't want to assume that it wasn't her.

 

> I can't see Cordelia in her right mind doing that with Connor. She wouldn't hurt  
you like that. She wouldn't hurt Connor like that.

You're right.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that. You'd think I'd be glad, knowing it wasn't her.

 

> > > You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email about  
you being there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away  
permanently? You get that it works both ways right?

> > I know.

And it's not as bad now. With you. And if things are going to get  
better with Wes.

But yeah, there've been times. I mean, I don't think I'd ever let  
myself do it. But times when I wished? Yeah.

> Next time you wish, I wanna hear about it from you. I'll sit on you until the  
desire passes.

If you're going to sit on me, I think it's safe to say that'll be a fair distraction.

 

> > > Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right?

> > But I didn't want to ASK. I didn't know what she'd done with it. I  
didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was.

> I wonder if she still has it.

We packed up all the stuff in the apartment, so it's gotta be in one of those boxes, if it's still around. I hadn't even thought about it. They're all at the hotel, collecting dust um, the boxes, I mean so I'll try to go through them soon.

Unless this thing tonight works and Cordy's back, in which case I'd probably better let her go through her stuff herself.

Anyway, if it'd been me, I can make a pretty good guess about what I would have done. Taken it home, watched it once, then smashed it on the floor. Then hated myself for destroying it.

Aren't you glad you hooked up with someone so old and mature?

Um, the sarcasm only applies to the mature thing. Since I'm actually old.

 

> > > I'm here.

> > You have no idea how much that helps just knowing that you're there.

> Good. I'm not going anywhere.

Thanks.

I might need you to remind me of that every once in a while.

 

> > > > I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or  
another.

> > > I first read that as "we could move in together."

> > That'd be okay too, if you wanted to.

> Well, considering my apartment is probably long gone along with the rest of  
my stuff, I might not have a choice, least at first.

Shame that. Forced on your hospitality. ;)

Plenty of room at the hotel, and you can have your own room rooms if you want. Your own space, you know?

We'll figure something out. Whatever you want.

I'm nervous about tonight. I want Cordy back, but I have no idea how she's going to react.

\- Angel


	13. Chapter 13

To: Wesley  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Wesley :)

> I want to thank you for encouraging Angel and I to talk last night. It  
was extremely awkward, and rather fraught with misunderstanding, but  
after a time we managed to find some common ground.

I'm glad.

Sometimes you have to go through the awkward to get to the common ground.

> > So it was a very intense relationship but with definite boundaries you  
couldn't go past.

Did you go past those boundaries anyway?

> Unfortunately, yes. I fell in love with her, on some level at least. I didn't intend  
to -- never thought it possible actually, which may be why it happened, as I wasn't  
guarding against it. So in the end it was my own fault that things turned out the way  
they did. Which she hasn't failed to remind me of.

No one can guard against their heart. You love where you love; it's not something we can control.

So no fault is there, but there can be pain. Believe me, I get the pain of a love that disintegrates before your eyes, though least Harry's still alive last I heard.

> > > You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files.

> > I don't think I know how but even if did I wouldn't start doing damage  
in here like that.

> No, I didn't mean to imply that you would. I was more concerned that  
you might inadvertently cut off one of the pathways through which you  
seem to be... conversing.

Oh. No. There's going to be no cutting off my nose to spite my face.

If, y'know, I had either nose or face.

> > > A more pertinent question might be 'Do I believe it's possible to be  
friends the way we were?', and the answer is 'I don't think so.'

What I might or might not like isn't particularly relevant. 

> > Answer the question anyway.

Humour the disembodied formerly dead guy.

> The answer is yes, and I told him so.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And thanks for listening and giving Angel a chance.

> > > I suppose it's more a matter of whether or not you can accept that.

Can you?

> > Back then? There was no way. Now? Well, it's kinda a moot point.

> Not at all. There's no reason to think that after you're out of there  
you won't be able to father children, if you care to.

It's more a question of partner now.

> > My suggestion probably won't sound appealing either: Deal with the  
things that you're brooding over.

> It's so much simpler to be miserable.

There, see? My sense of humor is improving by the minute.

Always a good thing.

Now if we can work on the miserable part too...

> > Yeah. I'm trying to not think about it too much. Because I don't like  
to think  
about what Cordelia must've been feeling.

> Perhaps she was fortunate and won't remember any of it.

Not sure how much better that is.

> > Yeah. He probably thinks a Cabbage Patch doll is a doll made from a  
cabbage or something.

> When I mentioned it last night, he seemed entirely unaware of its  
existence.

I'm not surprised.

> I'm not sure if I should feel relieved or frightened that I'm more in  
touch with the world than he is.

Relieved, I think. As you have had to be pretty out of it not to know about  
Cabbage Patch dolls.

> > > > What incidents?

> > > The sort that make one feel as if one isn't deserving of being cared  
for, I suppose.

> > Is this one of those questions you don't want to answer?

> Yes.

Let's just say that I had an unpleasant childhood and leave it at that.

Ah.

> > > > Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be.

> > > No. Rather desperate actually.

> > You still in that place?

> Not at the moment, no.

Good.

> > That would be the voice to ignore. Throw virtual popcorn at. Heckle.  
Tell that voice that its mother dresses it funny and its father smells of  
elderberries.

> We chose to drink instead, as I thought that throwing livestock in  
downtown L.A. might attract a bit too much attention.

I s'pose it's better than "run away! run away!"

> > Legitimate reason to be a peeping tom. It's kinda fun. :-)

> Have you seen anything interesting? You've piqued my curiosity.

Oh I've seen a few sights I'm not soon to forget.

But a gentleman doesn't talk of such things.

> > > My hair is like Angel's? I'm not sure that's something I particularly  
wanted to hear. Nor is it something that I'd realized. I'll have to do  
something to remedy it.

> > It's not completely like his. His is a bit more... what's the word I'm  
looking for?

> Insane?

No... not quite.

> > But it suits you. Really.

> That doesn't reassure me at all.

Now you sound like him.

> > He's set up some kind of chat -- or had it set up, at least -- so we've  
even talked in real time.

It was nice.

> Yes, I'm sorry I interrupted that last night. I hope I didn't come in  
at a bad time.

No, ya didn't. A bit earlier might have been... awkward but you timed it just right.

> > Why can't they go back for you? I mean, yeah, experiences change us,  
but the feelings, the friends, that doesn't have to.

> Currently, I'm focusing on making certain that tonight's spell goes off  
without a hitch.

I will admit that I'm feeling more hopeful about the future than I was  
before last night. But I have to focus my concentration on this evening  
at the moment. I can't take a chance on getting this wrong.

I know you'll do your best.

But... if this doesn't work, it's not the end. We just have to keep looking.

> > > > It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that.

> > > What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there? 

> > Angel.

> Oh.

I... hadn't realized.

Does it bother you?

> > But I appreciate what you've been doing for me and the conversation  
we've been sharing. I consider you a friend now, too, even if we haven't actually  
met in the flesh yet..

> I appreciate you saying so.

I feel the same way.

We still on for that drink when I get outta here?

Doyle

 

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > I want to thank you for encouraging Angel and I to talk last night. It  
was extremely awkward, and rather fraught with misunderstanding, but  
after a time we managed to find some common ground.

> I'm glad.

Sometimes you have to go through the awkward to get to the common ground.

It's a relief, somehow, to know that we'd both like to be friends again. Even though we aren't sure what to say to each other, and there's a good deal of unpleasantness in our past... I'm hopeful. And I'm grateful that you've given me that.

 

> > > So it was a very intense relationship but with definite boundaries you  
couldn't go past.

Did you go past those boundaries anyway? 

> > Unfortunately, yes. I fell in love with her, on some level at least. I didn't intend  
to -- never thought it possible actually, which may be why it happened, as I wasn't  
guarding against it. So in the end it was my own fault that things turned out the way  
they did. Which she hasn't failed to remind me of.

> No one can guard against their heart. You love where you love; it's not  
something we can control.

So no fault is there, but there can be pain. Believe me, I get the pain of a love  
that disintegrates before your eyes, though least Harry's still alive last I  
heard.

I didn't intend for things to get so serious, and then I didn't intend for things to go so wrong, despite the fact that I should have known better. It's strange that initially I would have insisted that there was no way for it to end but badly, and yet it came as such as surprise when it did.

I resent the fact that it seems impossible for me to have a relationship that's supportive and healthy.

 

> > > > You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files.

> > > I don't think I know how but even if did I wouldn't start doing damage  
in here  
like that.

> > No, I didn't mean to imply that you would. I was more concerned that  
you might inadvertently cut off one of the pathways through which you  
seem to be... conversing.

> Oh. No. There's going to be no cutting off my nose to spite my face.

If, y'know, I had either nose or face.

Soon enough. We've been continuing to research the spell that seems likely to get you out of there, and there isn't any reason to think it won't work. Tonight, after we get Cordelia back -- assuming it works, and again, there's no reason at this point in time to think that it won't -- we'll be nearly prepared to get you out as well. Most likely tomorrow. So, as they say, 'hang tight.' It won't be much longer.

 

> > > Answer the question anyway.

Humour the disembodied formerly dead guy. 

> > The answer is yes, and I told him so.

Thank you.

> You're welcome.

And thanks for listening and giving Angel a chance.

He deserves a chance. More than one, truth be told, although there was certainly a time when I didn't care to give him one.

 

> > > Back then? There was no way. Now? Well, it's kinda a moot point.

> > Not at all. There's no reason to think that after you're out of there  
you won't be able to father children, if you care to.

> It's more a question of partner now.

Yes, I see. Although again, there are other methods by which people have children. You could use a surrogate. Or adopt, although in that case your genetic makeup wouldn't be an issue.

I can't picture Angel with a child. It seems so unlikely not just because, as I'm sure you know, vampires can't have children, but also because he doesn't seem the fatherly type.

I don't mean that in a negative way, and of course I could be wrong. I've never had the opportunity to see him with a small child.

 

> > > My suggestion probably won't sound appealing either: Deal with the  
things that you're brooding over.

> > It's so much simpler to be miserable.

There, see? My sense of humor is improving by the minute.

> Always a good thing.

Now if we can work on the miserable part too...

I'm not, really. Just feeling the pressure.

> > > Yeah. I'm trying to not think about it too much. Because I don't like  
to think about what Cordelia must've been feeling. 

> > Perhaps she was fortunate and won't remember any of it.

> Not sure how much better that is.

Honestly, I suspect it would be preferable. If the choice is between remembering something horrible or being unaware of its existence, I'd certainly choose not to know.

Cordelia might feel otherwise, of course.

> > > Yeah. He probably thinks a Cabbage Patch doll is a doll made from a  
cabbage or something.

> > When I mentioned it last night, he seemed entirely unaware of its  
existence.

> I'm not surprised.

> > I'm not sure if I should feel relieved or frightened that I'm more in  
touch with the world than he is.

> Relieved, I think. As you have had to be pretty out of it not to know about  
Cabbage Patch dolls.

That might be the sort of 'out of it' that's enviable.

 

> > > That would be the voice to ignore. Throw virtual popcorn at. Heckle.  
Tell that voice that its mother dresses it funny and its father smells of  
elderberries.

> > We chose to drink instead, as I thought that throwing livestock in  
downtown L.A. might attract a bit too much attention.

> I s'pose it's better than "run away! run away!"

Especially since that's rather what we've been doing for some time now.

 

> > > Legitimate reason to be a peeping tom. It's kinda fun. :-)

> > Have you seen anything interesting? You've piqued my curiosity.

> Oh I've seen a few sights I'm not soon to forget.

But a gentleman doesn't talk of such things.

Of course not. Apparently, however, a gentleman does tease others unmercifully by hinting of interesting tales and then failing to make good.

 

> > Yes, I'm sorry I interrupted that last night. I hope I didn't come in  
at a bad time.

> No, ya didn't. A bit earlier might have been... awkward but you timed it just  
right.

Angel did say something about the fact that he'd needed a drink because something the two of you were discussing was rather unpleasant. I'm glad I didn't walk into the middle of that.

But it does sound as if things between the two of you are... progressing in a favorable manner?

> > I will admit that I'm feeling more hopeful about the future than I was  
before last night. But I have to focus my concentration on this evening  
at the moment. I can't take a chance on getting this wrong.

> I know you'll do your best.

But... if this doesn't work, it's not the end. We just have to keep looking.

Exactly. Failure simply isn't acceptable.

 

> > > > > It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that.

> > > > What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there?

> > > Angel.

> > Oh.

I... hadn't realized.

> Does it bother you?

Does it bother me?

No.

Surprise me? Yes, a great deal, although I suppose it shouldn't. I mean, we are talking about Angel, after all.

 

> We still on for that drink when I get outta here?

If you're still interested, absolutely.

I suspect I might not have time to talk with you again this afternoon, but I'll make sure that someone lets you know how things go, and that Cordelia has the opportunity to talk with you if she's able.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH

Hi Angel :)

> I actually got some sleep I think. Not a lot, but some. It feels  
different.

Good. Want you well rested for when I get outta here.

So I can in good conscience wear you out. ;-)

> > > It was really good to talk to you before.

> > It was. Really, really good.

> Yeah. And the other thing, too. That was good.

That was very good.

Loved watching you. I seem to have discovered voyeuristic tendencies in myself.

> > I'm always proud of you when you try reaching out and connecting. :-)

> Thanks. For talking me into it.

That's what I'm here for. :)

> It was the right thing to do. I mean, until you said something I didn't  
realize that things have been as bad for him as they have.

He's good at hiding it. You only see it around the edges until you come at it head on.

He's a lot like you that way.

> > > Maybe that's not totally true. 'Been too busy wallowing' might be.

> > Well stop that.

I'm sure I can give you other things to keep your mind on.

> That'd be nice.

Really nice.

Any time you want to chat some more.... >;-)

Er, that's an evil grin by the way.

> > But yeah, get the apartment back if you can.

> I've got someone on it now. Shouldn't be a problem.

Good.

> > Been picturing her reaction to my showing up hopefully in the  
flesh. Very entertaining pastime. Cordelia, she's always been so expressive...

> Uh-huh.

Sorry.

I don't really know what to say.

Hey, just because I'm picturing Cordelia, doesn't mean I...

You're not worried about me and her are you? Because you don't have to be.

> > > > So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking  
stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped?

> > > Uh-huh.

> > Your hair's a habit then.

> I guess.

Are you saying it's one that needs to be broken? Because if you have  
any suggestions about what else I could do with it, I'm open to hearing  
them.

Nah, I like you the way you are.

Though, you'd really let me redesign your look?

It must be love.

> > > And yeah, actually. I do think I look kind of funny. Funny peculiar,  
not funny ha-ha, though I guess both apply.

> > Well, having recently had a viewing of you through a camera, I can  
assure you that "funny" is not the first description that sprang to mind.

Sexy comes to mind.

> See, when you say stuff like that, I've gotta wonder whether there's  
something seriously wrong with my eyes.

Or yours.

Considering I don't have eyes at the moment...

> > > > > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of  
Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it.

> > > > That I was important?

> > > Yeah. That, and that some of my feelings weren't just... friendly.

> > Because I helped rescued you? Cordelia and Oz did too.

> I'm not sure I know what it was. The look in your eyes maybe? And how  
you let me smash the ring after sunset. You knew that no matter how  
much I wanted to keep the gem, it wasn't the right thing for me to do.  
And you let me do what I had to.

You're the one who decided you couldn't keep the ring; you told me your reasons  
and there was nothing there I could argue with.

I was too busy falling in love with a bonafide hero.

> > Cordelia would've seen it as you really trying to make up. And that  
would have been enough for her to open the door to you.

> Yeah! You get it. I mean, I had to do something. And I'm not good at  
the talking thing. I had to do something to prove to her that I was  
sorry. That was the only thing I could think of.

It worked. :-) You can find ways of connecting even when you can't talk.

> > But... maybe Wesley was mad because you didn't seem to be trying as  
hard to make up with him?

> Huh. Maybe. He did say something about getting him flowers, I think. I  
didn't really get it at the time. But yeah, maybe... he acted like  
things were okay, but I kind of thought it was because he was the one  
in charge and he had to be like that. You know, kind of an alpha male  
thing.

That and he's been taught that he's supposed to repress and deny his feelings.  
So he wouldn't have come out and said he was hurt.

> > > > There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much.

> > > I get that. I've got stuff like that too.

If you ever DO want to talk about it, though, I wouldn't mind. If it'd  
help.

> > It's in the past now. Things have changed a lot since then and not just  
because I'm in a computer right now.

> Still. If you ever want to. I won't bug you about it again, so just  
remember, okay?

I will.

Er... do you want me to talk about it? Do you want to hear it?

> > > > > > Bite me.

> > > > > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that.

> > > > Depends on the context, I think.

> > > Um... is this you being funny? Because you're not serious, right?

> > Depends on what you have in mind.

> Well, I'd be lying if I said I don't want to.

I mean, not all the time or anything. It's not like I walk around all  
the time wanting to drink from everybody. But... there's kind of a  
connection. Between blood and sex. So that's the time I'm most tempted.

But I'd NEVER do anything without you saying it was okay. You know  
that, right?

Yeah. And not like I'm going to donate my entire volume, but a little...

We'll talk about it when I get outta here. :-)

> > > It's my call. Not yours.

> > Pushy much?

I can wait, Angel. Really. Cordelia is more important.

> I hear you, and I'll take that into consideration. It's still my call.  
I'm not being pushy, just honest.

You're just as important as Cordelia is.

Thanks. But, despite not having a body, I'm alive in here, awake and aware.

Cordelia's not.

> > > There's nothing I'd like better than to taste every inch of your body.

And I mean EVERY inch.

> > You're really a very oral kinda guy, aren't ya?

Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

> Um, I'm a vampire. Comes with the territory.

Yeah, can see that.

> I think I can say with a fair amount of confidence that you'd like it.  
I wonder what you sound like when you beg.

Gonna make me beg, huh? Could take some doing.

> Can't wait to find out.

Me neither.

> > Angel, I saw all this before I ever met you. That's *why* we meant  
the Powers sent me to you. I came into this with my eyes wide open about your  
past. It doesn't make me feel different because I've always known.

And I'm still here, aren't I?

> I know. I just hadn't thought about that part of it. The sex stuff with  
guys, I mean, and what I did to them, and what it might be like for you  
to see stuff like that.

I feel sick thinking about it. I can't imagine why you wouldn't.

Hey, not like I'm using your past to fuel my fantasies or anything. But the you that was then isn't the you that is now.

> > Seems to me, the way things went down, that her being possessed from  
when she came back makes the most sense.

> I know. I guess I just couldn't blame her, if it was really her, for  
thinking those things. So I don't want to assume that it wasn't her.

Stop looking for someone to beat you up over your past.

> > I can't see Cordelia in her right mind doing that with Connor. She  
wouldn't hurt you like that. She wouldn't hurt Connor like that.

> You're right.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that. You'd think I'd be  
glad, knowing it wasn't her.

Maybe... because it brings alive the possibility of her really returning your feelings again?

> > > And it's not as bad now. With you. And if things are going to get  
better with Wes.

But yeah, there've been times. I mean, I don't think I'd ever let  
myself do it. But times when I wished? Yeah.

> > Next time you wish, I wanna hear about it from you. I'll sit on you  
until the desire passes.

> If you're going to sit on me, I think it's safe to say that'll be a  
fair distraction.

That is the whole idea. ;-)

> > > > Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right?

> > > But I didn't want to ASK. I didn't know what she'd done with it. I  
didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was.

> > I wonder if she still has it.

> We packed up all the stuff in the apartment, so it's gotta be in one of  
those boxes, if it's still around. I hadn't even thought about it.  
They're all at the hotel, collecting dust um, the boxes, I mean  
so I'll try to go through them soon.

Maybe I'll be able to help. If I get outta here soon.

> Unless this thing tonight works and Cordy's back, in which case I'd  
probably better let her go through her stuff herself.

Yeah. Less chance of bloodshed that way.

> Anyway, if it'd been me, I can make a pretty good guess about what I  
would have done. Taken it home, watched it once, then smashed it on the  
floor. Then hated myself for destroying it.

See, that's why you make copies. Then you can destroy it and still have it to watch later.

> Aren't you glad you hooked up with someone so old and mature?

Yes.

> Um, the sarcasm only applies to the mature thing. Since I'm actually old.

Still spry though.

> > Good. I'm not going anywhere.

> Thanks.

I might need you to remind me of that every once in a while.

Any time. All the time. Whatever you need.

> > > > I first read that as "we could move in together."

> > > That'd be okay too, if you wanted to.

> > Well, considering my apartment is probably long gone along with the  
rest of my stuff, I might not have a choice, least at first.

Shame that. Forced on your hospitality. ;)

> Plenty of room at the hotel, and you can have your own room rooms  
if you want. Your own space, you know?

Maybe a place to put my stuff, when I get some stuff, but I don't necessarily  
need my own bed.

> We'll figure something out. Whatever you want.

If you're at the hotel, that sounds like a good place for me to start. :-)

> I'm nervous about tonight. I want Cordy back, but I have no idea how  
she's going to react.

Me neither. But any reaction will be welcome.

I'm here if you want to chat, talk about your nerves.

Doyle

 

¥ Session Ident: #angelsoffice

¥ Now talking in #angelsoffice

Angel: Hey Doyle? You there?

Doyle: Yeah. Hey. :-)

Angel: I was going to write back to your email, then I realized 'Hey, I can do that chat thing instead.' How you doing?

Doyle: Good. Better now that I'm talking to you.

Angel: Yeah, me too. Wes is getting ready to do that spell thing and, well... feeling kind of restless.

Doyle: I bet. Me too actually. But can't pace in here.

Angel: I guess not. I was kind of hoping we could maybe distract each other for the next little while until it's time.

Doyle: Sounds like a plan. :)

Angel: A plan that means we need to think of something distracting to talk about.  
Angel: Did Wes say anything about last night?

Doyle: A bit.  
Doyle: He said that you two both wanted to be friends, and he was glad he had hope.

Angel: Huh. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up, I guess.

Doyle: That and the fact you didn't know what Cabbage Patch Dolls are.

Angel: Oh great, are you going to talk about that too? Like there aren't enough things I'm clueless about, you have to start making a list?

Doyle: It wasn't a list just something that came up in random conversation. And your name came up.  
Doyle: As it tends to do in almost all of Wesley's and my conversations.  
Doyle: Wonder why that is.

Angel: Am I supposed to know the answer to that?

Doyle: Well on my end, it's probably because I love you.

Angel: I guess it would be a bad idea to admit that when you say that it makes me feel good and not-so-good at the same time, huh.

Doyle: It's okay. I'd rather you be honest with me.  
Doyle: The not-so-good because you still don't think you deserve it?

Angel: Maybe.  
Angel: And because it seems like I hurt everyone, and I don't want to hurt you.

Doyle: You haven't.  
Doyle: And even if you do, vampires, humans and half-demons. None of us are perfect. We're gonna make mistakes.

Angel: Yeah, well, mine tend to be pretty big ones.  
Angel: I mean, heck, look at Cordy.

Doyle: And how is that your fault?

Angel: I don't know.  
Angel: I know that sounds stupid, I just...

Doyle: Have gotten used to being the one at blame?

Angel: I guess.  
Angel: I -- hang on.  
Angel: Wes is on the phone, they're all set to go. They're just waiting for me.

Doyle: Oh.  
Doyle: Guess you've gotta go, then, huh?

Angel: Not if you... do you want me to stay? Because they can do the spell without me. It'll only take me a minute to get down there, once it's done. If, you know, it works.

Doyle:   
Doyle: You want to be there. Go. I'll be okay.

Angel: No. I want to be with you.  
Angel:   
Angel: I told Wes to call me as soon as he knows anything.

Doyle: Thanks.  
Doyle: Not that I'd begrudge you being there to watch the spell...  
Doyle: but thanks.

Angel: They don't need me. You do.  
Angel: God I'm nervous.

Doyle: Me too.

Angel: Tell me why? I mean... what are you worried about?

Doyle: I was nervous the first time you contacted me too. But it's almost *more* with Cordelia. What with the visions and all. What do I say? 'Hi, glad you're awake. I'm back from the dead, sorry about the years of splitting migraines?'

Angel: Wow, being nervous really brings out my inner... whatever bad inner thing you can have. Um, vampire, I guess. Because my first reaction was, how about 'Hi, remember how the last most important thing I did before I died was kiss you?'  
Angel: Anyway, Cordy's not like that. She doesn't hold a grudge, mostly.  
Angel: She'll yell at you once and get over it.  
Angel: Buy her some clothes, it worked for me.

Doyle: Well I couldn't kiss *you*, after all. I'd knocked you off the platform.

Angel: Yeah, thanks for that, by the way. So much better than getting kissed.

Doyle: Had to do something to keep your noble fool butt away from the beacon.

Angel: If I'd known you were gonna sucker punch me and sacrifice your own stupid ass, I'd have hit you first.

Doyle: Yeah I know.  
Doyle: This would be where I say "Nyah, nyah"?

Angel: And this would be where I say 'If you ever even THINK about doing something like that again, I'm gonna hit you so hard you don't wake up for a week.'  
Angel: I'm serious.

Doyle: Yeah, yeah.  
Doyle: I'd do it again, y'know.  
Doyle: Not letting you sacrifice yourself.

Angel: You'd better watch it or I'm gonna start hitting you any time I get suspicious that you're planning something.

Doyle: What are you going to do, hit the computer monitor?

Angel: Um... no. I think I already agreed not to do that.  
Angel: Just... don't, okay?  
Angel: I can't lose you again.

Doyle: That works both ways.  
Doyle: I don't want to lose you either.  
Doyle: You don't sacrifice yourself and I won't either.

Angel: Okay.

Doyle: I should make you swear on your soul.

Angel: You don't trust me?

Doyle: Let's just say in this situation I wonder if you've got your fingers crossed.

Angel: I wouldn't be able to type if I did.  
Angel: Anyway... I was kind of thinking we could talk about something NOT depressing.

Doyle: Sure.  
Doyle: Er, you got a topic?

Angel: Hey, you're the one that's good at talking.  
Angel: You think of something.

Doyle: Say the first thing that pops into your mind.

Angel: We'll have to take you clothes shopping when we get you out of there?

Doyle: You gonna dress me?

Angel: I think you're old enough to do that yourself. Besides, I'd rather take the clothes off you than put them on.

Doyle: Wiseguy. I was thinking more about you picking clothes out for me.  
Doyle: And you can undress me whenever you want.

Angel: I'll pick stuff out for you if you want me to. It might not be, you know, the height of fashion or whatever.

Doyle: You do remember how I used to dress, yeah?

Angel: Um.  
Angel: Vaguely?  
Angel: You always looked good to me.

Doyle: Yeah?

Angel: Yeah.  
Angel: Okay, here's a question. Boxers or briefs?

Doyle: Boxers.  
Doyle: You?  
Doyle: Oh wait. I remember.  
Doyle: You did tend to wander around with nothing on.

Angel: Hey! I have boxers. Well, some. But yeah, most of the time it's, you know... commando.

Doyle: Now there's a thought to warm the cockles of a half-demon's heart.

Angel: And here's another question: What the hell are cockles? I mean... they can't be what they sound like, right?

Doyle: It's a shellfish thing -- I'd think you'd know this, good Irish boy that you are. Singing cockles and mussels, alive alive-o?

Angel: Well yeah, but what does that have to do with your heart?

Doyle: It's a bottom thing -- the cockles are at the bottom.  
Doyle: So if it warms the cockles of your heart it warms right to the bottom of your heart.  
Doyle: Er, this would be where I'd be nodding knowledgeably.  
Doyle: To convince you I know what I'm talking about it.

Angel: It's not like I'm going to argue with you.  
Angel: Sounds like a good enough explanation to me.

Doyle: See, this is what I like about you -- you're easy to convince.

Angel: So you like me because I'm easy.

Doyle: Well, yeah.  
Doyle: Good quality in a lover, don't ya think?

Angel: Unless you prefer someone a little more feisty, yeah. I kind of like the stubborn ones, myself.

Doyle: Oh, so I shouldn't give in too easily?  
Doyle: Though I have the sneaking suspicion if I played hard to get, you'd stop chasing.

Angel: Not if I knew for sure that you were just playing.  
Angel: But if I wasn't sure, yeah, I probably would.

Doyle: So that doesn't inspire much hard to getness, y'know.  
Doyle: Don't really want to take the chance of turning around and finding that you're not there.

Angel: You won't.  
Angel: Dragging behind, maybe, yeah.  
Angel: But not gone.

Doyle: Well, maybe I can play coy a little then.  
Doyle: If it'll get you hot.

Angel: Just thinking about you gets me hot. I'm not sure you need to do anything special.  
Angel: Um, not that I'd complain.

Doyle: Ya better not.

Angel: What kind of stuff gets you hot? I mean... what do you like?

Doyle: To keep with the theme being chased does something for me, gotta say.  
Doyle: Since I've usually been the one doing the chasing.  
Doyle: With less catching than I'd like to admit.

Angel: You feel like you're doing that again here, don't you. You do know that it's not I'm not like this because I don't want you. I'm... insecure.

Doyle: I dunno watching you come because you're talking to me seems pretty much a definitive catching situation.  
Doyle: You're caught.  
Doyle: Get used to it.

Angel: I can't really think of very many things I'd like better.  
Angel: You doing okay?

Doyle: Yeah. Really.  
Doyle: Though talking with you helps.

Angel: You wanna talk about, you know... the future? Once you're out of there and stuff, I mean?

Doyle: Sure.

Angel: Were you serious when you said you'd stay at the hotel? Because you don't have to. You can stay anywhere you want.

Doyle: Is that where you're living?

Angel: Yeah.  
Angel: I could pretty much stay anywhere I wanted, too, but...

Doyle: It's familiar?

Angel: Yeah. Somewhere along the way it got to feeling like home.

Doyle: That's good.  
Doyle: Everyone needs someplace they feel comfortable.

Angel: Not to mention it was less work not to have to move. Plus... well, it's where Connor was a baby. We kept his formula in the fridge, he slept on the bed with me and Cordy sometimes...

Doyle: You and Cordelia were sleeping together?

Angel: Not like that. Connor liked her, and sometimes if I couldn't get him to sleep, she'd lie down on the other side of him. Sent him off to dreamland every time.  
Angel: And yeah, then sometimes she and I'd both fall asleep too. But there wasn't any, you know, touching.  
Angel: You don't think I would have said something about it by now?

Doyle: Well you keep saying you're not good at this talking thing...  
Doyle: And you do have a habit of blocking out things that you've written off...  
Doyle: And maybe I'm just that insecure.  
Doyle: Specially where Cordelia's concerned.

Angel: Sorry.  
Angel: I mean that. I am sorry. And if you and she want to... if that's what would make you both happy, I can live with that.

Doyle: You really are an idiot sometimes aren't you?  
Doyle: I'm insecure because *she* may want *you*.

Angel: Oh.  
Angel: Yeah, that'd be a problem.  
Angel: But seriously, I don't think it's an issue. I don't think she does, and even if she did... stuff's different now.

Doyle: So if Cordelia comes back, declares her love for you and does the Cordelia equivalent of throwing herself at you....

Angel: I'll need you to help me figure out how to let her down easy.

Doyle: You're sure?

Angel: I love you, you know.

Doyle: I know.  
Doyle: But you didn't answer the question.

Angel: I... don't know.  
Angel: I want to be able to tell you that it'd be easy for me to turn her away, but... I'm not sure.  
Angel: Which doesn't mean I don't love you and want you. Because I do. A lot.

Doyle: I know. And I get it, really.  
Doyle: Cordelia is...

Angel: Yeah.  
Angel: What if she said she wanted YOU?  
Angel: What would you do?

Doyle: I... Whoa.

Angel: What?  
Angel: Are you okay?

Doyle: I'm not sure. Did the power just flicker or something?

Angel: Not that I noticed. Unless maybe the magic they're working down there in the medical wing is doing something to part of the system?

Doyle: Maybe.  
Doyle: Guess that means they've started.

Angel: Yeah. You sure you're okay?

Doyle: Yeah. I think so. Yeah.  
Doyle: It was just... weird for a second there.

Angel: You want me to call down there and see what's going on? Maybe they should stop, if it's doing something to the computer system...

Doyle: No! Don't stop it. If this can get Cordelia back...

Angel: But if it's gonna fuck with you being okay, we could postpone it. Do it somewhere else, not in the building, you know?

Doyle: If they've started, there's no telling what could happen if they stop. It's okay. Really. I'm fine.

Angel: Okay, just keep talking to me or I'm gonna get worried.

Doyle: What do you want me to talk about?

Angel: Anything. I don't care.  
Angel: Um... food?  
Angel: People like to talk about food, right?

Doyle: I guess.  
Doyle: Is this like a virtual date in reverse? We had the virtual sex last time and now it's the virtual dinner?  
Doyle: You feed me and then expect me to put out... Whoa.

Angel: Okay, now you're really starting to freak me out.

Doyle: I think I may be starting to freak mysel-- Whoa.  
Doyle: Okay, this is definitely...  
Doyle: Ang

¥ Doyle has left #angelsoffice

Angel: Doyle?  
Angel: Doyle? Come on.  
Angel: Shit.


	14. Chapter 14

Wesley watched as the spell was cast with what he might have called a growing sense of anxiety if he hadn't already reached the pinnacle of said anxiety some time earlier. Cordelia was lying peacefully on the bed -- anyone would have thought that she was merely sleeping.

The candles in the room shed some light, although that wasn't their job -- the overhead lights were on as well. Smoke from the heavy resin incense hung thickly in the air, and the chanting of the two spellcasters that Wesley and Lorne had deemed best for the job was low but steady.

"How much longer?" Wesley asked Lorne quietly, even though he already knew the answer.

Lorne gave him a look that said he knew exactly was Wesley was trying to do. "Another minute or so. You're really wound up tighter than a Slinky on steroids about this, aren't you?"

Wesley forced himself to stand straighter, although there wasn't more than another millimeter or so he could have straightened his spine in any case. "I just want it to go well."

The chanting speeded up slightly.

"It's a spell like any other," Lorne said, reaching out to touch Wesley's sleeve. "If this one doesn't work, chances are good there's another one out there that will. Don't tie yourself up into knots."

Wesley's eyes were locked on Cordelia's face, waiting to see if there was any reaction. "She's waited long enough," he said.

There was a small implosion in the cauldron on the stand next to the bed, and even thicker smoke rose into the air.

The chanting stopped.

For a long moment the room was silent and nothing happened.

Then Cordelia moved.

Wesley held his breath as he watched Cordelia turn her head slightly, her eyelids fluttering. A soft moan came from her throat.

Her eyes opened.

As if now spellbound himself, Wesley stepped closer to the bed, reaching out to lay a hand on Cordelia's forearm reassuringly. "Cordelia?"

She frowned, looking puzzled, confused, as her gaze turned to Wesley.

That was the first sign Wesley had of something wrong. Cordelia's eyes looked... different. Green.

Still, he persisted, determined to get to the truth of the situation. "Cordelia? It's Wesley. Don't worry, everything's going to be fine."

"Wha-" Cordelia's frown deepened, and there was something a bit off in her voice as well. "Wesley? Where-"

"You're all right." Wesley thought it best not to try to explain where they were exactly, since it was likely to alarm her to hear that they were in the building formerly belonging to Wolfram and Hart. "You've been ill, but that's over now."

"I was... talking to Angel... we were waiting for the spell." There was a strange lilt to the words that was completely unlike Cordelia's voice. She stopped. "My voice...?" She glanced down at herself, her eyes widening in horror. "I'm- Christ, what have you done?"

A wave of realization swept over Wesley, leaving him shaken. "Oh dear god," he said. "Doyle?"

Cordelia -- Doyle -- nodded, eyes wide and frightened.

"Dear god," Wesley said again, reaching behind himself for the chair that he knew was there, while he supported himself on the edge of the bed with his other hand. Sank down onto the chair.

He didn't know what to do. After the manner in which Doyle had been brought into the computer, he should have realized that this was a possibility. He'd been so determined to get Cordelia back -- to get *something* right -- that he'd been blinded to it.

"It's going to be all right," he said numbly, more to Cordelia -- no, *Doyle* -- than to himself.

She -- he -- how did one refer to a person in this situation? -- pulled her/himself up into a sitting position. "This is... weirder than the computer." She -- he -- He, Wesley decided, for his own sanity -- managed a shaky smile. "Least I'm not having to spend days convincing you who I am."

"No, that's true." Wesley was mentally cursing himself for fucking up yet again, and he had to force his attention back to the fact that Cordelia -- *Doyle,* damn it -- was the one to focus on. "I'm so sorry. It never even occurred to me that this might happen. But don't worry, we'll get this straightened out, I promise you."

Doyle's eyes -- and their green colour made it easier to think of them as Doyle's eyes -- suddenly sharpened and focused on Wesley. "I know. This isn't your fault, so stop the metaphorical kicking that I'm sure's happening in your head right now."

It was disturbing to hear a speech pattern that was most definitely not Cordelia's -- and which did sound like the Doyle Wesley had come to know -- in Cordelia's voice. It was even more disturbing that her voice had just the slightest accent to it.

The fact that Doyle was able to read him so clearly was the most disturbing part of all.

"Lorne?" Wesley said, glancing over his shoulder for the first time. "You understand what's happened, don't you?"

"Yeah -- the wrong soul got lassoed and poured in," Lorne said, looking up from his discussion with the two spellcasters. "We're debriefing for the fly now." He smiled reassuringly at Doyle. "Don't worry, we'll get all the bugs out of the ointment real fast."

Wesley was still having a hard time believing that this was happening. The urge to pinch himself was strong. "How do you feel?" he asked Doyle.

"I'm trying not to think about that too closely," Doyle replied with another of those shaky smiles. Which in the next second disappeared. "Angel. Christ, I was talking to him when I... got lassoed. He's probably-"

"Wondering what happened," Wesley said, trying to speak soothingly. "Yes, I'm sure you're right. Hang on, and I'll have someone let him know what -- "

Before he could finish, there was a sound in the hall, and then Angel appeared in the doorway. He started to say something, then froze at the sight of Doyle -- Cordelia -- Doyle -- sitting upright. "Cordy," he said, then blinked. "Doyle. Wes, I think something went wrong, with the spell. I was talking to Doyle and then he just -- "

"Switched location," Doyle said, holding a hand up. "They keep trying for Cordelia and keep getting me."

Angel swallowed heavily. "I... what are you..." The vampire took another step into the room. "Doyle?" he asked.

Doyle nodded and tilted his head, smiling slightly. "Yeah. Hi."

"I didn't... um. How did this happen?"

Wesley forced himself to speak up immediately. "It's entirely my fault. It never occurred to me that this could..." It was nearly impossible to force out the words, but he did it. "I'm sorry, Angel."

Doyle looked sharply at him. "That's not really stopping the kicking, is it?" He turned back to Angel. "Dunno how it happened, probably part of the same glitch that landed me in the computers in the first place. I'm sure Wesley and the others will figure it out."

"You're... okay, I thought nothing could be weirder than you being in the computer, but I was wrong." As if mesmerized, Angel moved over to the bed and reached out to touch Cordelia's cheek tentatively.

Doyle's eyes closed at the brief touch, and he leaned into it seemingly unconsciously. Opening his eyes, he looked up at Angel with a self-effacing smile. "Not exactly the way I was fantasizing about getting back into the real world."

"I know." Angel's voice was so gentle that Wesley had to look away from the two of them.

"Then again, when has anything in my life gone the way I expected?" Doyle asked, with only slightly forced sounding humour.

Wesley cleared his throat slightly, wanting to remind them that they weren't alone. "Angel, maybe you can keep Doyle company while we work out the proper way to correct the error? Doyle, will you be all right for just a short while?"

"Yeah, I can probably go a day or so before having a breakdown," Doyle kidded, but there was something in his voice that made Wesley wonder how much was really joking.

"Do you need anything?"

Doyle shook his head.

"All right. It shouldn't be long." Not looking at Angel, Wesley patted Cordelia's -- Doyle's -- shoulder and moved over to where Lorne and the two spellcasters had seemingly come to some sort of agreement, herding them out of the room so as not to overwhelm Doyle.

* * *

 

Doyle waited until Wesley and the others were well away from the room before letting himself slump back on the pillows, closing his eyes and trying not feel for a moment or two.

Almost immediately he felt Angel's hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. "It's gonna be okay," Angel said. "Just take it easy. Take some, I dunno, deep breaths or something."

He laughed at that, wincing at the sound -- high and thready, on the verge of panic, as well as being in a voice that wasn't his. "Yeah, 'cause deep breaths are really going to help here."

"Well not like they're gonna *hurt*," Angel said, his thumb moving in light circles across an upper arm that curved more fully than Doyle was used to. "Sure you don't need anything? Water?"

"A dick?" Doyle laughed harshly and ran his hands over his -- Cordelia's -- face. "Sorry, that's not helping. I... This is just freaking me out a little."

Angel nodded, his eyes dark with sympathy. "I know. I know it is. You've got every right to be freaked out."

"This has gotta be freaking you out too, huh?" Doyle realised, glancing up at Angel. "Looking at Cordelia and hearing me? Well, sorta me. Cordelia with my accent."

"And your eyes," Angel said, tracing the delicate skin just underneath one with a feather-light touch that made Doyle tremble. "Cordy's face, but your eyes."

"Really?" He reached a hand up to his face again, but stopped when he realised there was no way he could see his own eyes. "I don't suppose there's a mirror handy? Considering that I'm in Cordelia's body, and I *still* don't know what she looks like with short hair."

"I don't know." Angel moved away from the bed and over to a dresser against the wall, then started opening drawers and looking inside them. "You look good. I mean, she... you..." The vampire stopped and looked at Doyle. "Sorry."

"Hey, *I* don't know what to call me, so it would be unfair to expect you to." He managed a smile for his friend. "It's all right."

"When I said we were gonna get you out of there, this wasn't what I was thinking," Angel said, coming over to the bedside table and sliding the one drawer out. He reached in and brought out a small mirror. "Um... here. If you're sure you want to..."

"I'm sure," Doyle said, as he reached out and took it. He hesitated for a moment, steeling himself before raising it so he could see his reflection.

Cordelia looked back at him. Older, blonder, shorter hair than he remembered, but it was Cordelia's face. Except for his eyes in the middle of it.

"Hi Princess," he said softly, reaching out a hand to touch the reflection, speaking to the spirit that should've been where he was.

When he looked up at Angel, the vampire's expression was just as troubled as his own -- as Cordy's.

"She looks good," he said, the whole situation the most surreal experience he'd ever had.

"Yeah. She does." Angel fidgeted, looking like he wanted to come closer again but was fighting the urge.

Which was a silly thing to do as far as Doyle was concerned. "C'mere," he said, holding out a hand. "I don't bite, no matter what body I'm in. Well, not unless ya want me to."

Angel hesitated, then moved over to within reach without taking the offered hand. "You sure there isn't anything I can get you? Something to eat? There's got to be something."

Doyle continued to hold out his hand. "Your company is a good start. *C'mere*."

Angel glanced from the outstretched hand to Doyle's face, then slowly put his hand into Cordy's. It felt strong and rough to Doyle against the smooth skin of Cordelia's palm.

"It's still me," Doyle said, tightening his fingers around Angel's. "Everything we talked about when I was in the computer, that still holds true."

"I know." It was obvious from the way Angel said it that he wasn't convinced, but he took Doyle's hand between both of his, cradling it carefully, then sank down into the chair Wesley had been sitting in earlier. With a gentleness that made Doyle catch his breath, Angel pressed his lips to Doyle's knuckles in a chaste kiss. "It's still true for me too."

"I love you," Doyle said, just to hear himself say it.

Even if it wasn't his voice.

Angel didn't let go of Doyle's hand, but moved to the side of the bed, the mattress sinking under his weight, and wrapped his arms around Doyle. The embrace was firm and reassuring. "Love you too," Angel murmured, into Cordy's hair.

It was... weird, to say the least. Even as Doyle wrapped his -- Cordelia's -- arms around Angel in turn, he felt like an interloper in his own life. Like Angel was really talking to Cordelia and he just happened to be there to hear it.

"It's gonna be okay," Angel said. "I know I keep saying that, but that's because it's true." He pulled back far enough so that he could look into Doyle's eyes. "What are you thinking?"

Doyle shook his head, not wanting to project his own displacement onto Angel. "Can we move about? Walk somewhere? I... need to move."

Maybe he could outrun this alienation to... everything he was feeling.

"Sure. Whatever you want." Angel was watching him so closely that it was a little bit unnerving. "Building's mostly empty this time of night."

Doyle pushed the covers back and swung his -- Cordelia's, and he was going to have to stop doing that every time he thought about himself and his actions -- legs out over the edge of the bed. "No one's going to bother me as long as I'm with the boss, anyway." He smiled at his friend. "Mr. Angel," he teased.

"Watch it," Angel said warningly.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. No mister." He stood, expecting to find his legs shaky, standing strange in this strange body, but while there was a bit of adjusting, he felt surprisingly... normal.

He didn't know if that pleased or scared him.

"No, I meant take it easy." Angel's hand was under his elbow, not really supporting him at all. Just there. "You feel okay?"

"Ya mean other than the blind panic that I'm currently doing my best to ignore?" Doyle joked, though it was closer to the truth than he wanted to admit. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good." They reached the doorway and paused, then Angel pointed to the right. "Let's go this way, it'll be quieter."

"All right."

As they walked, Doyle took inner stock, trying to figure out how it felt to be in Cordelia's body. The strangest and most alarming thing about it was that it didn't feel strange at all. He was in a body, and when he thought about raising his hand or taking a step, it obeyed him.

It didn't feel like some place he shouldn't be; it felt like his own body, like he belonged in it.

Which was so wrong on so many levels.

Trying to push those thoughts away, he turned to Angel and rather desperately asked, "Talk to me?"

"Hey..." The hand that had been hovering around his elbow made contact and squeezed gently. "Don't worry, it's gonna be fine. I promise."

"Yeah. I know. Just..." Doyle gestured at himself. "Y'know." He chuckled half heartedly. "And I thought waking up with the demon face was freak inducing."

"At least you recognize this one," Angel pointed out, letting go of Doyle's arm and stepping back half a step. "You have any idea how much you scared me, disappearing like that?"

"Sorry," he said, feeling a flash of guilt, even though it hadn't been on purpose. "Wasn't my choice."

Angel frowned. "Yeah. I know." He puts his hands in his pockets. "See, I'm really no good with this talking thing." He glanced at Doyle, then at the floor. "I was trying to say something nice. You know, tell you how much I... care about you."

On impulse, Doyle reached out and laid a hand on Angel's arm. "I know. And thanks. I would've been scared too if you'd disappeared."

He thought he felt a little shiver go through Angel, but the vampire just gave him a strained smile. "Come on. Might as well show you around the place, as long as you're here."

"I'd like that. It'll be nice to see the place from eye level and not from..." Doyle gestured up at where he knew the hidden security camera was.

They went down a short hallway to a set of double security doors, then through and into a longer hallway. "That was the, um, medical wing," Angel said, unnecessarily. "And the science wing is down that way."

"Where Fred does things with M&Ms."

"Right." Angel grinned and hunched his shoulders. "And, you know. Other stuff that I know nothing about."

"She doesn't have lab mice in there intent on world domination, does she?" Doyle teased.

Angel shrugged again. "Nah. I think she's training them to steal chocolate from gourmet shops actually."

"Almost as diabolical."

"Not if you want to take over the world." Angel seemed to reconsider this. "Well, maybe the world's women."

"What, you think a man can't be a chocoholic?" Doyle asked, giving Angel an expression of mock disbelief.

"Always thought it was a girl thing." Angel raised his eyebrows. "Are you trying to tell me that the way to your heart is through chocolate?"

"Maybe. Among other things." Doyle looked down at himself, reminded again about his current location. "Though I s'pose at the moment you could still consider that a girl thing."

"You're still a guy. You're just... a little misplaced."

Doyle found himself truly smiling. "Wrong turn at Alberqueque?"

Angel looked confused. "Um... more like L.A.."

"You've never watched Bugs Bunny?"

"I'm not really a cartoon kind of guy." Doyle thought it was possible that Angel was proud that he even knew who Bugs Bunny was.

"We'll have to educate you one of these days. Sit down and watch a whole bunch of the old Looney Tunes." He grinned at Angel, as he made plans to culturally educate the vampire. "There'll be a test to see if you were paying attention. If you get all the questions right, I'll give you a reward."

Angel just looked at him steadily. Doyle watched as the vampire's eyes moved across his face, and then down over his body. "If it wasn't for your eyes... and, you know, the way you talk..."

And just like that Doyle was smack dab back in the middle of the whole 'trying not to panic' thing. He'd managed to forget about it for whole minutes that time.

Wrapping his arms around himself -- and refusing to think of it as wrapping Cordelia's arms around her -- he asked, "Getting the sudden urge to buy me clothes?"

Angel twitched like he was going to step closer but managed to stop himself. Like he wasn't sure he'd be welcome. "Um... no?" Like he wasn't sure what the right answer was.

Doyle sighed and ran a hand through his hair, stopping mid-gesture at the strange feel of Cordelia's hair under his fingers instead. "This sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah." Angel glanced around, then gestured off to the left. "Want to see Wes' office? Or I could show you the cafeteria."

"Can I see your office?" Doyle heard himself ask before really thinking about it.

"Sure." Angel led him a little bit further to an elevator, then pressed the up button.

As an awkward silence fell between them, Doyle felt the need to try and explain. "That's where I felt most comfortable. Before. When I was in the computer."

Angel nodded. "I get that."

"It was familiar somehow. Maybe because it was the only place I could talk in real time." He shrugged. "Or maybe because it was you."

They got into the elevator -- Angel waiting for Doyle to step on first -- and it started up, moving smoothly.

Angel's continuing silence made Doyle want to keep talking, compulsively filling up the space with meaningless words. Instead, he held his tongue and focused on slowing his thoughts to something slightly less than warp speed.

This was Angel. Talking never came easy to him. It didn't necessarily mean anything that he'd gone silent now.

Or so Doyle kept telling himself.

Angel's office was only a short distance from the elevator, and Doyle recognized it right off. Would have even if it hadn't had a little brass-plated sign on it with Angel's name.

The door was wide open, the computer still humming.

"Took off at a run, did ya?" Doyle asked, the thought providing a bit of reassurance. Angel cared. He knew that.

"Once I figured out you probably weren't coming back, yeah." Angel went over to the desk and shut the computer down.

"Well here I am," Doyle babbled and held out his arms to the sides. "In the flesh. Not my flesh, granted, but-"

Angel just stood there and looked at him. With the desk in between them, it felt like they were separated by a lot more space than they actually were.

After a moment, Doyle dropped his arms. "Right. Not my flesh. Big thing."

Slowly, Angel came around from behind the desk, but he stopped with several feet still separating them. "You okay?"

Doyle's arms crept around himself again. "You going to keep asking that until I say no?"

He was feeling... he wasn't sure exactly. But it wasn't a happy, cheerful, right kind of of feeling. It was more an about to fall apart but not sure what would set him off feeling.

Something about his expression must have clued Angel in, because the vampire closed the distance between them and pulled him into a loose embrace.

Doyle rested against Angel's body, finding himself suddenly dangerously close to tears. "Sorry," he said, though he didn't try to pull away. "I just-"

"Shhh," Angel said, his voice gentle. "It's okay. However you're feeling, you're entitled."

"This is so fucked up," Doyle said, the tears sneaking into his voice despite his best efforts. "This isn't..."

"I know. But it's gonna be okay." Angel's arms tightened around him, one hand sliding down to his lower back.

'Why do I feel further away from you now than when I was in a computer?' Doyle wanted to ask, but didn't. Because at that moment it wasn't true, even though he was sure it was going to be again as soon as Angel let go of him.

One of Angel's arms pulled away, and he started to protest, but Angel just cupped his face in one big hand and lifted his chin until their eyes met. "It's gonna be okay. I can keep saying it as many times as you need me to."

"Do you believe that really?" Doyle demanded. "That it's gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. I do," Angel said. "This is just, you know... a speed bump. We're gonna get over it and then it's gonna be smooth sailing."

"You're mixing your metaphors," Doyle pointed out, but found he did feel a bit better.

"What are you going to do -- sue me?" There was a little smirk hovering at the corners of Angel's lips.

"I'm not the one with an evil law firm."

"That was my point." Angel's arm was still around his waist, holding him close. "Better?" he asked hopefully.

"Yeah." Doyle leaned back in to rest his head on Angel's shoulder. The skittling fingers of panic retreated in the face of Angel's proximity.

"It's okay." Angel let him snuggle in closer and ran a hand over his -- Cordy's -- hair soothingly. "I'm right here. Not going anywhere -- you're stuck with me."

Sometimes, Doyle reflected, Angel knew exactly the right thing to say. "I'm going to hold ya to that, y'know."

"Okay," Angel said agreeably.

Doyle chuckled. "Thanks," he said softly.

"Think they'll miss us if we just stay like this for a couple of hours?" Angel asked, relaxing into the embrace like he wouldn't mind doing just that.

"Let 'em."

After another minute or so, Angel shifted his weight slightly, then kissed Doyle's temple. "This is nice."

"Yeah." Working on instinct, wanting more, Doyle lifted his face, closing the tiny distance to kiss Angel on the lips.

Angel responded almost immediately, keeping the kiss gentle and soft, even though his hand on the small of Doyle's back pulled him closer at the same time.

Doyle's entire body tingled from the kiss in a way that was utterly familiar and at the same time completely alien. But he didn't want to think about that, didn't want to think about who Angel was responding to. He just wanted to lose himself in the kiss.

It wasn't difficult to do. Angel's mouth opened slightly, his tongue flicking out across Doyle's lower lip in a shivery-good sort of way that made him sigh.

When he finally pulled back a little, Doyle was breathing hard and he couldn't stop the smile from spreading over his face. "This part isn't so bad."

Angel moved in and kissed him again, just slightly more possessively this time.

Doyle made a sound of pleasure in the back of his throat, pressing his body closer. It was surprisingly easy to lose himself in the moment.

Angel's hand slid lower, down to cup Doyle's ass, and Doyle felt Angel start to harden against his thigh.

Instantly, as if realizing it at the same moment Doyle did, Angel let go of him, backing away from him with an expression of horror on his face. "We shouldn't..." Angel's brow was creased, and Doyle thought his hand might have been shaking. "We can't do this."

The realisation of what they were doing -- and whose body Doyle was doing it in -- hit Doyle anew.

Feeling sick and set adrift, he pulled further away, moving to sink down numbly on the edge of the couch along the far wall of Angel's office.

"What are we going to do?" he asked, burying his head in his hands.

"We're going to have Wes get you out of there and back into your own body where you belong," Angel said.

"Yeah, but what do we do in the meantime?" Doyle looked up and met Angel's gaze.

Angel came over, took Doyle's hand, and pulled him to his feet. "There is no meantime, because we're fixing this now. Tonight."

Doyle stared at him. "Angel, this- You can't-"

But Angel was already towing him -- carefully, but definitely towing -- through the doorway and into the hall. "Don't worry. We're going to get this straightened out."

Doyle dug his heels in. "Angel, you can't expect Wesley to be able to fix this just like that."

"He'd better be able to," Angel said, stopping, but tense, like it was all he could do to force himself to hold still. "He's the one who fucked this up."

Anger on Wesley's behalf surged through Doyle at that. He pulled free of Angel's grip and crossed his arms over his chest -- noticing but ignoring that there was much more chest than he was used to -- as he glared at the vampire. "And we're not going anywhere near Wesley while you have that attitude. God, are you trying to destroy the man?"

"No, I'm trying to keep him from destroying the rest of us." Angel glared back at him, and Doyle recognized the expression as the one Angel used to direct at Cordy when he was pissed off.

"You can glare at me all ya want -- it never worked against Cordelia; it ain't going to work with me either," Doyle said, not backing down. "And we're not going anywhere until you've got me convinced you're not going to be taking this all out on Wesley."

"Believe me, other than getting him to take care of this mess, Wesley's not high on the list of things I'm thinking about right now." Angel started to pace back and forth.

"Well, you'd better make him so, if you don't want to undo all the good you did last night."

Angel stopped. Ran a hand through his hair, which promptly stood up and took notice. Which only made the vampire look more harried than he obviously was. "Okay. Okay, you're right. Just... can we *please* get back down there and see if we can do something about this?"

"Sure," Doyle said, still not backing down an inch. "Once I'm convinced that you're not going to lash out at Wesley."

"What do you want? A contract signed in blood?"

"Maybe." He sighed, running a hand through his own hair. "It's not his fault, Angel."

"Don't know whose else it would be," Angel muttered darkly.

"How 'bout no one's?" Doyle suggested, exasperated. "Christ, it's no wonder Wesley is so convinced he's not worth anything if this is an example of your support."

"He took my *son*," Angel said, his eyes flashing with anger. "There are times when it doesn't matter to me that it was a mistake, that it wasn't his 'fault.'" Behind Angel, the elevator doors opened just as the vampire said, "How the fuck am I supposed to forgive him for messing up something so important?"

Wesley stepped into the hallway, the expression on his face telling Doyle very clearly that he'd overheard the last part of Angel's rant and applied it to the current situation.

"I thought you might be here," Wesley said, his voice carefully modulated, revealing no emotion. "We're ready to try something, if you're feeling up to it."

Ah hell. Could this get any more fucked up? Well yes, Doyle decided; Wesley could have heard the first part of Angel's declaration as well.

Doing his best at damage control, Doyle turned to Wesley, giving the man what he was hoping was a reassuring and understanding smile. "Sure. I'm not worried; I'm sure you'll get this straightened out and everybody where they're supposed to be. Don't stress over it, okay?"

Wesley nodded; it was clear from the look on his face that he was keeping himself as removed from his emotions as possible. "All right. As soon as you're ready..."

Doyle shot his best "fix it" glare at Angel. He wasn't fully confident it was going to have any effect, but that was about all he could do with Wesley standing right there.

Angel, at least, had the grace to look ashamed. "Look, Wes, that wasn't... um, I wasn't talking about what it probably sounded like I was talking about."

"No, of course you weren't," Wesley said smoothly.

Oh yeah. Big time hurting going on there -- Doyle recognised the putting up a front when he saw it; he'd done it enough himself. Wordlessly he reached out and clasped Wesley's arm for a moment, hoping the gesture would get through where words were obviously not.

Wesley's expression softened, and he patted Doyle's hand where it rested on his arm. "Are you all right? You're dealing with the... temporary setback?"

"Yeah." Doyle found a smile to give Wesley. "Kinda surreal, but when isn't my life?"

"Well I wouldn't blame you if you didn't believe me at this point, but we *are* going to take care of this." Wesley looked at him seriously. "The spell that we were going to use to get you out of the computer is very adaptable -- there's no reason to believe it won't work just as well to get you out of Cordelia."

Doyle nodded and walked with Wesley as they all headed back to the elevator. "Makes sense. And I do believe you." He frowned. "What happens to Cordelia's body?"

"It will go back to the same state it's been in -- a sort of suspended animation." Wesley hesitated, waiting for Angel to enter the elevator.

"And you're sure this is gonna work?" Angel asked.

"I feel confident that it will, yes."

"There's no guarantees, I get that," Doyle put in, not wanting Wesley to feel he was painted into a corner.

Wesley took a deep breath and let it out slowly, obviously trying to be subtle about it, then said, "I'm very sorry this happened."

"I know." Doyle smiled at him. "Considering it was a mistake like this that brought me back at all in the first place, can't really find it in me to get too upset about it, y'know?"

Angel shifted uncomfortably next to them as the elevator came to a halt. "I just want him out of there," he said, looking at Wes. "It's... not good."

"I know," Wesley said. "I couldn't agree with you more, in fact. But we'll get it taken care of."

"Everything's an adventure," Doyle put in, not really comfortable with the serious tone, especially as they were beginning to talk like he wasn't there. "Okay, this is a bit more adventurous than I'd ever expected..."

"I can't imagine most people would expect getting to spend any time at all in the opposite... er... " Wesley floundered as he recognized the double entendre. "Well. Yes."

Doyle grinned. "I've been doing my best to avoid that certain turn of phrase, considering how much time I spent chatting up Cordelia before. But yes, it had passed through my mind."

They reached the medical wing, and Angel held the door open for Doyle and Wesley to pass through. "Let's focus a little more on getting this fixed and a little less on... words, and stuff. Okay?" There was something in Angel's tone that made it clear how anxious he was to get this over with.

"He's not good with words," Doyle said to Wesley, as if sharing a state secret.

Wesley glanced at Doyle in alarm, whatever comfort level he'd regained with Angel obviously shot to hell now. "I wouldn't say that," Wes said stiffly.

Doyle frowned, trying to figure out what had just set Wesley off about his last statement. But he doggedly continued on as if Wesley hadn't just shut down. "S'alright. I can say it by myself." He turned to Angel and solemnly said, "Hate to break it to you, my friend, but you're not good with words."

Angel was about as tense as Wesley, and that was saying something. "Yeah, I know."

Great. Now he had them both all but sulking. "Though I'm starting to wonder if I'm not good with words either. Even if I do use a lot more than you do."

"That's because you don't know when to shut up," Angel said, but there was a little smile there, maybe. The vampire glanced at Wes as if for confirmation, then herded Doyle back into the room he'd woken up in.

"Hey, I didn't have a mouth for years -- I have lots of talking to make up for. Of course I can't shut up." Doyle realised that the mock babbling had crossed the line into real babbling about the same time he crossed back into this room. He was nervous, and that always seemed to translate into words pouring out of his mouth with very little control on his part.

Angel seemed to have gotten over -- or at least pushed aside -- his own issues, and as Wesley went to have a brief conference with the spellcasters, he walked Doyle over to the bed and sat him down. "You look like you're getting that freaky feeling again."

"That would probably be because I am getting that freaky feeling again." Doyle fidgeted, unable to sit still. "Having a spell done on you when you don't know about it is one thing; sitting and letting it be done is something else entirely."

"I get that." Angel perched on the edge of the bed next to him and took his hand, turning it and tracing the lines on his palm.

That did have an immediate effect of calming Doyle some. "If this doesn't work-"

"Don't say that," Angel said quickly, cutting him off. "Don't even think it. I know I've said some things, but... Wes is gonna pull this off, I know he is. "

"If it doesn't," Doyle persisted, feeling it was important to get this out. "If something goes wrong, don't blame Wesley. He'll be too busy doing that himself, and it won't be his fault regardless."

Angel went back to tracing the lines on his palm. "I know. I'll... I'll try."

"Try real hard." If he kept focusing on making sure things didn't degenerate any further, he wouldn't have to think about how crazy scared he was becoming.

"I will. Hey, look at me a minute, would ya?" Angel's eyes were soft even in the bright sterile lighting. "It's gonna be okay. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Well, anything *else," he amended.

Even though Doyle knew there was no way Angel could promise that, the words still helped. "I don't know how you do that."

Angel stiffened slightly at the words, but just squeezed Doyle's hand. "It'll be okay," he said again, as Wesley cleared his throat discreetly.

"When you say it, I believe it," Doyle told him, wanting to make it clear what he'd meant. "I don't know how you do that -- make me feel better with a simple promise."

Angel relaxed and leaned in closer. "Love you," he said, then looked at Wes. "We good to go?"

Wesley nodded. "Doyle, you'll want to, er, lie down, please."

"Right." Doyle took a deep breath and swung his legs up on the bed, lying down in the same position he'd awoken in. "Should I be doing anything else?"

"Try to relax?" Wesley asked, as if he knew that probably wasn't a realistic request. "Close your eyes, take deep breaths. That sort of thing."

"Right." Relax, he thought. Right.

He felt Angel's fingertips brush against his cheek lightly as Wes said something to the spellcasters and they began to speak some words in Latin.

Doyle had one moment to feel absolutely terrified, and then everything went black.

* * *

 

Cordy's body went limp, all the tension going out of it at once, and Angel shot Wesley a look of concern. Was that supposed to happen?

"It's all right," Wesley said softly, his eyes drifting from Cordelia's still form to glance at Angel. "That's Doyle leaving her body. It's supposed to happen."

Angel nodded. "So what happens now?" he asked quietly. "His own body shows up *poof?*"

"Not so much *poof* as slow materialization out of the ether fueled by magic." Wesley took a deep breath and looked down at the book in his hands. "That's the part where I come in."

Angel blinked. "What do you mean, where you come in?" He noticed Lorne's absence for the first time. "And, um... where'd Lorne go?"

"I'm casting the spell that will create -- or recreate I suppose is the more accurate term -- Doyle's body." Wesley glanced up at Angel quickly, then returned his attention to his book. "And I sent Lorne to get something we might need after the spell's complete."

"Okay." Angel figured maybe he should stop talking and distracting Wesley, just in case. He moved over closer to the wall, staying near the head of Cordy's bed, and watched.

Wesley took another breath, seeming to center himself, then turned toward the far corner of the room. For the first time Angel noticed there were protective and mystic markings already laid out on the floor.

Chanting words in an ancient language that sounded familiar -- it had kind of a sing-song rhythm to it, kind of pretty actually -- Wesley moved forward until he was standing on the edge of the space so marked off. He paused and held out his hand and one of the hired spellcasters gave him a dagger.

Angel told himself he shouldn't have been surprised that blood-letting would be part of the spell -- not considering what they were trying to accomplish. Still, he found himself watching Wesley with more nervousness than he would have anticipated.

Wes set the tip of the dagger against the skin of his palm.

Just as he started to press down, a brilliant light flared into existence over the bed, like a star appearing and going nova all at the same time.

Everyone turned to look and as the light dimmed enough for them to see, there was a very familiar voice coming out of the middle.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Cordelia's voice said, very clearly.

Angel stared. They all did. Gradually, the light subsided enough for them to make out a very familiar form glowing with an inner radiance.

Cordelia.

Floating several feet above her body.

Angel couldn't do anything. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak.

Luckily, talking had never been a problem for Cordelia. Looking straight at Wesley, she said, "You *so* don't want to do that."

Wesley twitched. "It's necessary," he said.

"You do realize that you're talking to Cordelia Chase, Higher Being, right?" Cordy looked directly at Angel for the first time, and his heart leapt into his throat. "Angel, take that away from him before he does something he's gonna regret."

Numbly, his body responding to her request without conscious thought, Angel took the needed steps over to Wesley's side and reached for the knife, taking it carefully from Wes' hand.

"Good." Cordy turned her attention to Wesley again. "You know there are consequences to that kind of magick. Big, bad consequences."

"It was the only way," Wesley replied softly, meeting her eyes squarely.

"Well lucky for you, you're wrong. There's another way."

Angel finally managed to pull himself together enough to say something. "Okay, will someone please tell me what's going on?"

Wesley remained stubbornly silent.

"Um, *hello*? Dark magick has consequences. You don't just magick someone's body back into existence without paying a really big price."

Angel looked from Cordy to Wesley, then back again. "You mean, he was going to...?"

"Trade in a big piece of his soul in exchange for Doyle's body? Uh-huh. Not to mention that he sent Lorne off on a wild goose chase because he knew Lorne would be able to tell what he was doing." Cordy paused. "Actually, hang on. There's somebody else who should be here for this conversation."

There was another surge of light and when it faded, Doyle was standing beside Cordelia, his familiar features making Angel's heart ache.

Doyle blinked dazedly. "What the-" He turned enough to see Cordelia and stilled for a long moment before a smile spread across his face. "I'd make some cheesy crack about pretty as an angel but I suspect that would be a bit too close to the truth for comfort."

"Hi, Doyle," Cordy said, with an answering smile that Angel almost would have called wistful. "I figured you wouldn't want to miss this conversation. I wanted..." She looked at Wesley again. "I know what you've been planning, and I need you to know that I'm not coming back."

Wesley shook his head in denial. "No. We'll get you back, I promise. It's just a matter of finding the right spell."

But Doyle was looking at Cordelia with that uncanny wisdom that had always seemed a part of him. "It's not a matter of not being able to come back," he said softly, "it's a matter of not wanting to. From seer to Power, is that it, Princess?"

Cordy's smile had definitely faded into wistful now. "Pretty much," she said, her eyes going from Doyle to Angel. "There's stuff that needs to be done, and... I can do it from here. If I come back..."

If he'd been alive, Angel would have said that it felt like all the air went out of the room.

"...it's a lot harder. All those people..." Cordelia shook her head slightly. "It's not even like there's a choice to make. This is the right thing for me to do. But you," she said to Doyle, "you have a choice."

"Me?"

"Well it's not like I'm talking to Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee," Cordelia said, gesturing at the two spellcasters at the side of the room. "Yes, you. You can go back if you want to. Or not. It's totally up to you."

Angel's chest felt tight.

Doyle looked at him, then back to Cordelia. "If I don't go back, what happens?" he asked.

"I'm not psychic," Cordelia said. "But if you *do* go back, you're kind of stuck with the visions again."

"Don't do it because of that," Angel told Doyle quickly, forcing the words out because it was the right thing to say.

"Plus there's kind of a catch," Cordelia said.

Doyle frowned. "What's the catch?"

"That body of mine that you were trying on for size earlier? It's pretty much the only one available." Cordy actually sounded apologetic.

Doyle stared at her, then glanced down where she had gestured at her body lying on the bed below them. "So if I go back, I go back as you?"

"That's the deal." Cordelia shrugged. "And technically, I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm bending the rules because, you know..."

She was looking right at Angel, and all Angel could think was that he was glad it wasn't his decision, because he was sure he'd make the wrong one.

"You didn't trust us to make the right decision," Doyle finished, uncannily echoing Angel's thoughts. He smiled at Cordelia. "That's my Princess, always bending the rules."

"Well, not like I didn't have good reason to think that," Cordy said pointedly in Wesley's direction, at which point Angel realized he was still holding the knife in his hand.

Doyle followed the direction of her gaze and frowned as he looked at Wesley. "Going to do something stupid, was he?"

Wesley flushed, but remained silent.

"Maybe not so much stupid as stupidly brave," Cordelia said, and then, more gently, "Seriously, Wes? It's time to let it go. You're better than this."

Angel caught the barest glimpse of extreme emotional pain flash across Wesley's face before it resumed its almost mask-like blankness. "I'm doing the best that I can," Wesley responded softly, not meeting Cordelia's eyes.

"News flash: That's good enough." Cordy was watching Wesley steadily. "You're the only one who expects you to be perfect. And if anyone else did, that'd pretty much make them an asshole."

She shot a look of warning at Angel, who didn't know which of the three of them he should be looking at. Cordy, who was already lost? Doyle, who might be any minute, if he didn't decide to come back?

Or Wesley, who despite the current situation might actually be further away from Angel than the other two?

He found himself looking at Doyle, trying desperately not to let the longing he was feeling show on his face.

Doyle looked back at him, eyes troubled, expression unreadable, though Angel wondered if he just didn't want to read it.

Then Doyle turned back to Cordelia, a hint of his usual smile on his face. "I guess if I got used to being all spiky and green, I can get used to being a girl."

"You're sure?" Cordy asked. "Because changing your mind's not really gonna be an option."

Doyle glanced at Angel again. "Someone's gotta look after them."

"Okay. Just remember, you asked for this." Cordy started to reach out toward Doyle with one hand, then paused. "And I'll hear you if you bad-mouth me, so watch it."

"Cordelia?" Doyle said as he reached out a hand towards hers. "Thanks."

Cordy nodded. "Don't forget I'm gonna be keeping an eye on you." She glanced at each of them in turn, her gaze lingering on Angel the longest. "This is a fresh start, you know? So don't screw it up." Her fingertips touched Doyle's.

The light that had been clinging to Doyle swelled up and became blinding; Angel stared as long as he could before its brilliance forced him to look away.

When he turned back, blinking away spots, Doyle was gone.

"Don't worry," Cordy said, looking down at the solid version of herself lying on the bed but obviously talking to all of them. "It gets better."

And vanished.

Angel stared at Cordy's -- now Doyle's -- still form, silently willing him to open his eyes.

"Is he-" Wesley began, taking a step closer, then stopping.

Telling himself that after everything they'd been through, this *had* to turn out okay, Angel reached out a tentative hand and touched Doyle's shoulder.

Doyle's eyes flickered, then opened.

The sense of relief that Angel felt was so great that the knife slipped from his grip, clattering onto the tile floor and bouncing under the bed. "Doyle?"

"Yeah." He -- no matter the body Doyle was wearing, Angel would always think of him as he -- smiled. "In the flesh. Guess we'll just have to get used to that."

Angel nodded, wondering if that was even possible, but willing to try. "You're sure? That this is what you wanted?"

"I'm sure," Doyle said firmly. He pulled himself into a sitting position. "You're stuck with me."

"I wouldn't put it that way," Angel said. He was feeling such a mixture of relief and guilt that he couldn't have decided which emotion was winning out.

"Well you are. You'll just have to get used to that too." Doyle reached out and took Angel's hand where it rested on the bed beside him.

This kind of overload usually sent Angel running for the quiet solitude of his office, or the hotel. He had to remind himself that this wasn't an option now -- that he had Doyle to look after. But he didn't know what to say.

Doyle chuckled. "Stop looking so freaked. I'm not expecting huge soliloquies. Relax."

Angel tried to let some of the tension out of his frame. "I just want to get out of here."

"Yeah, okay." Doyle made to swing his legs over the edge of the bed, then paused. "Er... s'pose I should ask if you want company..."

"No." Angel blinked, then clarified. "I mean, no, that's not something you need to ask."

Doyle nodded. After a second he asked, "So that means you *do* want company?"

"If it's you, yeah." Even this wasn't *completely* true, but Angel figured Doyle had become his responsibility from the second he'd said 'yes' to Cordy's proposal. And it wasn't so much that he didn't want Doyle around as it was he was so used to being alone. "Besides, I've got some, um, clothes. That were hers."

"Yeah." Doyle looked down at himself with a rueful grin. "Guess I gotta get used to changing without thinking I'm sneaking a peak at something I shouldn't, huh?"

Angel kind of figured that some major break-down on Doyle's part was waiting just around the bend -- it probably just hadn't really sunk in yet. "You'll get used to it," he said gruffly, hoping that he sounded convincing. "Wes? You need us for anything else, or do you think we can get out of here?"

Wesley, who seemed to have been staring at them without seeing, shook himself and seemed to focus. "No, there's nothing I need to do. Feel free to go."

"Okay. You know where to find me. Um... us." Angel hesitated then, because he thought Doyle would want him to, said, "You did good. We should talk about, you know, what you were planning to do. Maybe tomorrow?"

Wesley grimaced, but nodded.

"You and I will be having a talk about that too," Doyle put in with more animation. Then softer, "But thank you."

Pretty much desperate at that point to get away from everything and -- almost -- everyone, Angel guided Doyle out through the doorway.

* * *

 

The drive to the hotel passed mostly in silence. Doyle spent his time watching the scenery go by, relishing being in the world again, trying to get used to being alive again, to being in this body that was now his.

He wondered idly if he should start thinking of himself as *her*, considering, but he wasn't quite ready to take that mental step.

Whatever body he was in, he was still Alan Francis Doyle, and that didn't change just because his plumbing had.

They pulled up outside a large building, and Angel put the shiny new car into park and shut it off, turning to look at him. "This is it."

"Big place," Doyle said, getting out of the car and staring at the hotel. "And you live here all alone?"

"Yeah. Fred stayed here for a while, but she's got her own place now." Angel sounded distracted, but he started to lead the way through a doorway in a large wall, which opened into a small patio-type area, part of which was covered with a roof.

"Nice," Doyle murmured, turning around and taking in the space. "Ya ever thought of planting some green stuff?"

"Actually, I kind of... took them out. The plants, I mean."

Sensing a story, Doyle gave Angel a questioning look.

"Bad memories," Angel said shortly, and continued through the courtyard and to a door that led into the hotel.

Doyle followed, moving until he was close enough to brush a hand against Angel's back. "You've too many of those," he said softly.

Angel hesitated, and for a second or two Doyle thought the vampire was maybe going to open up and share, but the moment passed. Inside the hotel, Angel started down some stairs into a lobby-type area, then stopped and turned to look at Doyle. "Here it is. Home sweet... home."

Doyle again closed the distance between them, wondering if Angel knew he was all but running away from him. "Show me around?"

"There's, um..." Angel glanced around, "not really a lot to see. Office through there, reception desk... couch..."

"How 'bout your room?"

"That's upstairs." Angel's shoulders were slumped, making him look shorter than he really was. "Do you... wanna see it?"

"Only if you want to show it to me," Doyle said, hating the way Angel seemed to be drawing in on himself, and not wanting to push any more than absolutely necessary -- at least not right then.

Angel's expression was so closed that it was hard to say whether he was being honest or not. "Um, sure. There's another room up there too. Well, a lot of rooms actually, but, you know... one that she used for a little while."

"Angel, do you want me here?"

"What?" Angel looked so startled that under normal circumstances it would have been comical. "Doyle, I..." The vampire rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, I want you here. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be, you know..."

"All broody and anti-social?" Doyle asked, smiling slightly.

"Yeah. That." Angel smiled a little bit in return. "Come on, I'll show you the upstairs."

Doyle fell into step with the vampire as they headed their way up the winding staircase. "Looks like it was a pretty fancy place in its day."

Angel nodded. "Yeah, it was nice. I was here. In the 50s." He kept looking at Doyle, quick little glances.

"This is pretty surreal, isn't it?" Doyle asked, gesturing at his body, deciding to address the surreptitious glances.

"Depends on how you look at it." Angel shrugged. "I mean, considering how last time she -- her body -- was here, it wasn't really her either."

"Least you know it's me this time." He watched Angel for a long moment. "You going to be able to handle this?"

Angel stopped at the top of the stairs. "I... I don't know. I want to be able to tell you that I will, but..." He reached out and touched Doyle's shoulder. "What about you? You're the one who's going to have to deal with... all the... female... parts."

"I'm trying not to think about it too much," Doyle answered truthfully. "Take it all one freak out at a time."

"You tired? Hungry?"

Doyle took inner stock. "Hungry maybe?" he ventured, not at all sure.

"We should think about ordering something pretty soon then." Angel looked worried. "I should have stopped on the way here. Not like I have any, you know, actual food around."

"S'okay," Doyle said with a shrug. "I won't starve if I don't get anything before morning."

"Maybe not, but since..." Angel stopped himself, then glanced up at Doyle almost shyly. "I want to take care of you."

Doyle smiled at that, especially since his own motivations were so similar. "Can I kiss you?" he asked, not wanting to try without first gaining permission.

"Are... you sure you're up for it?"

"It's just a kiss, Angel. Not a... a twenty-one gun salute or anything."

Angel reached for Doyle's hand, tilting his head slightly to one side, his eyes on Doyle's lips. "I want to do a lot more than kiss you," he said, his voice low. "When you're ready."

A thrill of anticipation at the words ran through Doyle, and he grinned. "Good, cause I want you to do a lot more than just kiss me. But I'll settle for a kiss right this second."

Angel's mouth on his felt even better than he'd remembered. After the briefest of kisses, Angel pulled back just far enough to whisper, "This okay?"

"Yeah," Doyle replied, leaning in to kiss Angel again.

There wasn't any hesitation now -- Angel kissed like somebody who knew what he wanted. His lips were cool and firm, and his arms wrapped around Doyle, holding onto him tightly.

Doyle's doubts about whether he was wanted there melted under the heat of the kiss.

This time, Angel didn't pull back until Doyle was nearly breathless. The vampire slid a hand into Doyle's hair, his thumb brushing over Doyle's temple gently. "I think I'm supposed to be showing you my room," he said.

"Yeah," Doyle said again, with a smile. "Suddenly got a strong desire to see that. With somewhere to sit down. Or... lie down."

Angel's fingers entwined with Doyle's, and he started to lead him down the hallway. "Anything you want," Angel said. "Christ, you deserve it."

"It's been a rocky path for both of us." Doyle squeezed the hand in his, letting Angel guide him down the hallway. "I think we both deserve some of what we want."

Angel faltered just the tiniest bit, then continued. "I don't think I'm good at that."

"Tell ya what. I'll make you a deal -- you do what you can to get me what I want, and I'll work on getting you what you want."

"What about when what you want isn't good for you?"

Doyle lifted an eyebrow. "You don't think I know what is and isn't good for me?"

Angel paused in front of a door, then pushed it open, but didn't go through. "I... don't think people always know, no," he said, as if he was choosing his words carefully.

"You think you're bad for me?" Doyle asked softly, seeing where Angel's thoughts were going.

Angel snorted softly. "I'm bad for everyone."

Doyle reached up and slid a hand behind Angel's neck, pulling him in for another kiss. "Not for me."

He both heard and felt the little sound that Angel made in the back of his throat -- something like denial. "What if this doesn't work?" Angel asked. "I don't want you to get hurt."

Doyle pulled back enough to meet Angel's gaze, turning serious. "There's no guarantees in life -- you should know that better than most. But if you don't take the chances then you're not living." He grinned. "This conversation seems a bit familiar -- didn't I tell you pretty much the same thing when we first met?"

"I'm not the same person I was then," Angel said, looking troubled.

"Yeah? I think I win the not being the same person lottery hands down."

"Hands and lots of other things," Angel said quietly, his eyes traveling down Doyle's body. "But that's not what I meant."

"I know." He slid his arms around Angel's neck. "But you haven't changed in the important ways. Not negatively changed."

"It's really annoying when you're so sure of yourself, you know that, don't you?"

"There's a lot of things I'm not sure of," Doyle said, his smile faltering as his thoughts quite naturally turned to some of those things. "But you? Yeah, I'm sure."

"Come on," Angel said, stepping away from Doyle's embrace and taking his hand. "Come in and sit down or something. It's been a long day." They moved further into the room, which was more like a suite, and Angel dropped Doyle's hand to go and get a phone. "You want pizza? Chinese? Um... there've gotta be other places around here, I just don't know what."

"Pizza's fine," Doyle replied, walking through the place, noticing the touches, the items that marked the space as Angel's own. There weren't many, and Doyle wondered if that had to do with the missing Connor, if anything that even remotely reminded Angel of his son had been banished from his presence.

Like the garden downstairs.

He'd just picked up a book that had been sitting open on the table and realized that there was a thin film of dust across the pages, when he felt Angel's arm slide around his waist from behind.

"You okay?" Angel asked, with his lips close to Doyle's ear.

"Yeah," he replied, pushing aside his concerns for now and concentrating on the warmth created by Angel reaching out to him like this. "Better now."

Angel nuzzled his hair and held him tighter. "Whatever you need... I want to give it to you."

This felt good. Safe. Right. "Say things like that and my mind gets all... imaginative."

Doyle didn't miss the very slight tension this seemed to cause in Angel's embrace, but the vampire just chuckled slightly. "What was that word we were using for you before? Incorrigible?"

"That sounds familiar."

"What's it like?" Angel asked, his thumb moving back and forth distractingly across Doyle's stomach. "I mean... how's it different?"

"Being in this body?"

"Yeah. Unless you don't want to talk about it."

Doyle considered the question, leaning back against Angel and shifting against him absently as he spoke. "It feels kinda the same... I mean turned on is turned on. Things still tingle and all. Just more... diffuse."

Angel's other hand moved down to rub the front of Doyle's thigh. "You smell good," he said in a low voice. "Different from Cordy."

"Do I?" Doyle's attention was becoming fixed on Angel's touch. "What do I smell like?"

"Hmm." Angel's lips brushed against Doyle's ear, making him shiver. "Kinda... spicy. Fresh."

"Did I smell like this before?"

Angel paused as if to think about it, then traced the delicate edge of Doyle's ear with his tongue. "I think so. Pretty much."

"Mm, that's good." Doyle was beginning to lose the thread of the conversation.

"Yeah," Angel agreed, nibbling on Doyle's earlobe while his hand slowly pushed up the shirt Doyle was wearing and then just rested on his bare skin. "You're so warm..."

Doyle chuckled, the sound coming out breathy and turned on. "I'm quite willing to warm you up anytime."

Angel turned Doyle's face to meet his and kissed him.

Turning more fully in Angel's arms, Doyle wrapped his own around Angel's neck and pressed up against him as their kiss deepened.

This was good.

This was definitely worth coming back for. No matter the body.

Angel's hands slid down to Doyle's backside, pulling him in closer and leaving no question as to how into this Angel actually was.

That was... strange. If for no other reason than he would have predicted it would have felt stranger. But whatever force had put him in this body had seemed to also ensure he received all the right instincts. It was different, but good.

Doyle wanted more.

"Bedroom?" he suggested between kisses. Not very eloquent, but he thought at this particular moment it was all the eloquence he needed.

Angel moved his hands up to cradle Doyle's face, kissing him more gently. "Are you sure?"

"That's why I said it." Doyle grinned and kissed Angel again. "You're going to have to learn to take me at my word."

"I know. I just..." Angel's eyes searched his. "If I do anything that you don't want me to do, you'll tell me?"

"Have you ever known me to keep my mouth shut?" Doyle teased, then sobering, added, "That goes both ways you know."

"I'd say okay, but... I don't think there's anything you could do that I wouldn't want." Angel led Doyle through the suite and over to the side of the bed.

"Could say the same." Doyle smiled at him. "Though admittedly there's a bit of mystery to some things at the moment, considering."

Angel's hand was back at Doyle's waist, stroking lightly over the strip of exposed skin there. "You could take this off," he suggested, fiddling with the bottom hem of the shirt. "We could, you know... do a little exploring?"

Doyle shivered at the light touch. "Exploring sounds good," he said, raising his arms and letting Angel pull the top off over his head.

Angel's lips were cool against his collarbone, leaving tiny damp spots in the wake of his kisses. The tip of one finger traced teasing circles just around Doyle's nipple, never quite touching it.

Doyle's skin felt hypersensitive, every touch of Angel's lips sending tingles through his entire body, and he found himself holding his breath waiting for the touch of his fingers to become more intimate.

When Angel's fingertip finally brushed over his nipple, Doyle gasped. "Tell me how it feels," Angel said.

"Different," Doyle said, gasping again as Angel's finger continued to lightly touch him there.

"Good. Way more sensitive than I expected..." He squirmed where he sat, his hips moving automatically with the rhythm of Angel's touches. "More."

"Lie back," Angel said, pushing him gently down onto the bed and running a hand up his inner thigh, but stopping before he got close enough to ease the generalized ache Doyle was feeling. "Just let me..." Angel leaned in and flicked his tongue over the nipple he'd been teasing.

"Oh god..." Doyle moaned, arching up against Angel as the vampire closed his mouth over the peak. Each movement of Angel's mouth sent bursts of sensation through him, all of them centering between his legs.

His reactions just seemed to spur Angel on to try to drive him even crazier. "Taste so good," Angel muttered against Doyle's skin. "*God* I want you."

"Good," Doyle said breathlessly, squirming under Angel's attentions, unable to keep still in the face of the feelings running through him. "I want you too. More. Now."

Angel groaned in what might have been frustration and struggled with the front of Doyle's cotton slacks, finally managing to open them and slip his hand inside between the two layers of fabric.

Doyle pushed up into the pressure of Angel's fingers against him. But it still wasn't enough. "More," he demanded again. "Want you touching me."

After a moment's hesitation, Angel seemed to make up his mind -- or maybe lose it completely. He quickly stripped Doyle of his pants, leaving him naked on the bed, then parted his thighs and slid down between them.

Doyle didn't look down, not quite ready to linger his sight on this new body of his, but that didn't stop him from arching up to meet Angel, his breath catching at that first intimate touch.

Angel's tongue flickered over a spot so sensitive that Doyle couldn't keep from crying out, so sensitive that it made it easy to forget everything and just *feel.* Cool, strong hands pushed his thighs further apart, opening him, and then in addition to Angel's tongue there were fingers playing over him.

It was different than anything Doyle had felt before, but Doyle was quickly losing himself. This all might have been new to him from this vantage point, but Angel'd had 200 plus years to learn what to do, and Doyle was more than content to leave himself in the vampire's hands. Literally.

He writhed on the bed, trying to press himself closer to Angel, moaning as the aching sensations continued to build in intensity under Angel's attentions.

Angel seemed determined to torture Doyle -- every time the speed and amount of pressure took him to the edge, the vampire would back off just slightly. He could feel wetness between his legs, and his thighs trembled when the index finger Angel had been teasing him with suddenly slid inside of him.

Doyle heard someone whimpering and was so caught up in what Angel was doing to him that it took far too long to realise it was his own voice. He could feel his body tensing, Angel winding him tighter and tighter.

Two more fingers were pushed inside him, not thrusting, just filling the aching place in a way that made him rock his hips in an attempt to get them deeper.

It was all instinct, but at that particular moment Doyle was too lost in what was happening to think beyond instinct. "More," he breathed, demanded.

Angel moved up for a kiss, his thumb shifting to take the place of his tongue while his fingers continued to rub and press up inside Doyle. "Just let go," Angel said. "I want to feel you."

Doyle could feel it building, could feel his body striving for just that little bit more that would... "Oh god," Doyle gasped, his hands tightening on Angel's shoulders as the intensity peaked and washed over him in a series of full body shivers of pleasure.

"Love you," Angel murmured into his ear, just holding him, letting the waves of his orgasm flow through him and gradually die down into a sort of mellow contentment.

"Mm," was all Doyle was able to manage right then, shifting only enough to fully wrap his arms around Angel and pull him closer.

Angel kissed him tenderly, slowly. "Can't believe you're really here. God, you're so warm..." The vampire's mouth trailed down across Doyle's throat, his tongue flicking across the skin there, tasting him.

"Mmm..." Doyle stirred and tilted his head back to give Angel better access. He still felt like he was basking, but Angel's touch seemed to be reviving him far faster than he'd ever have predicted. "How do I taste?"

"Incredible," Angel said, like a breath across his skin, giving him goosebumps. "Amazing. Wonderful." His tongue swept across Doyle's skin again. "Did I say incredible?"

Doyle chuckled. "You might have mentioned it." He stretched, moving languorously against Angel. "You're still dressed."

Angel shifted position and kissed him again instead of answering.

Doyle followed Angel's movements, keeping himself pressed up against the vampire. "Going to be kinda difficult to continue this to the logical conclusion with your pants in the way."

"I'm okay," Angel said. "I don't need a... um, conclusion."

"Maybe I need you to have a.. 'conclusion'," Doyle responded. "There's still some experimenting that we haven't got to yet."

"It's not... I don't want to..." Angel shifted away slightly, looking supremely uncomfortable. "Just... let's give it a little time. Okay?"

Now Doyle frowned. "You don't want me to touch you?" he asked, suddenly wondering how much of what had just happened had been a charity case.

"I didn't say that."

"Then...?"

"It's not you," Angel said, his eyes making it very clear that it was in fact the exact opposite. "I want you. I'm just not sure it's a good idea for us to... you know."

Doyle opened his mouth to argue the point, but changed tactics before the first word. "Fine. Maybe that certain bit of experimentation can wait. But don't see why I can't do for you what you just did for me."

Angel relaxed, then reached for Doyle's hand and guided it down to his own cloth-covered erection, pressing into the touch with a soft groan of relief. "You could do this?" Angel suggested. "Please?"

"Oh yeah." Doyle grinned as he tightened his grip. "Think I can remember how."

Angel groaned again, his hips moving restlessly. "Yeah. Doesn't feel like you've forgotten."

"Still would be better without the pants, y'know."

"Guess maybe it'd be okay to lose them," Angel said, without doing anything about the situation.

"Going to make me do all the work, I see." Doyle shifted, pushing Angel over onto his back and shifting down the bed so he was able to look at what he was doing. "Guess, all things being equal, that's fair."

But he found his hand being stilled by Angel's. "Remember that thing I said about you not doing anything you don't want to do?" Angel sounded serious.

"Do I look like I'm doing something I don't want to do?" Doyle asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No?" There was nothing sure about Angel's answer, if it could even be called that.

Doyle slide back up Angel's body so he could kiss him, putting all his feelings for the vampire into the gesture. "Still unsure?" he asked softly when he pulled back.

"No," Angel said, with a hint of humor in his voice. "Still hard though. If you keep rubbing up against me like that I'm not going to need your hand or to lose the pants."

"Really." Doyle grinned. "We'll have to try that sometime. But now..." he slid back down to undo Angel's slacks, "I've other ideas in mind."

When he slid his hand inside to wrap his fingers around Angel's cock, Angel made a low pitched sound and closed his eyes. "Yeah. Touch me like that. Please..."

"Used to have fantasies like this," Doyle said, sliding his hand along Angel's length, his thumb brushing over the tip. He grinned up at Angel. "You, at my mercy."

"Anything," Angel gasped, his fists clenching in the sheets underneath them. "I'll do anything. Just... don't stop."

"I like the sound of that. Maybe we can use this as a new positive reinforcement -- you don't beat yourself up for a day, I do this for you that night," Doyle suggested. "What do ya think?"

Angel threw one arm up over his eyes, his back arching to push himself more firmly into Doyle's grip. "Please," he said, shuddering. "Doyle. Please..."

"Bet you're ready to go off like a rocket," Doyle observed. "How long's it been since someone touched you?"

"Um... like this?" Angel sounded like he could barely get his brain around the question. "For real? Not since..." He gasped as Doyle's fingers squeezed a little tighter. " ... since Darla."

"That long, huh? Well I guess I better make this real special then to celebrate the occasion." With that, Doyle shifted down enough to take Angel into his mouth.

Angel tensed, as if about to protest, but then instead fisted his hands into the sheets again. He was trembling like a leaf. "Doyle. God, I can't..."

Unable to speak with his mouth full, Doyle just ran a hand soothingly down Angel's thigh as he took Angel's cock in further.

It didn't come as a surprise when, seconds later, Angel cried out and came, his thigh under Doyle's palm hardening to stone with the sheer power of his orgasm.

Doyle continued what he was doing, prolonging his lover's climax, then soothing him afterwards. Finally he raised his head and grinned at Angel.

The look on Angel's face wasn't quite what he'd expected to see, but Angel immediately offered him a shaky smile and pulled him up into an embrace. "That was... I don't even..."

"I love you," Doyle said, overriding the stammering and leaning in to kiss him.

Angel returned the kiss eagerly, holding Doyle even more tightly against him. "Love you too."

Doyle squirmed around until he was comfortably half draped over top of Angel, then relaxed sighing contentedly. "So ya want to tell me why getting a blow job from yours truly made you look like you'd just lost your best friend?"

"I didn't -- " Angel started, then paused. "Yeah, I guess maybe I did. Look like that, I mean." He paused again, long enough that Doyle began to wonder if he was going to answer the question at all. Finally, Angel shrugged awkwardly and said, "I... felt cheated?"

Doyle gave him a questioning look.

"That I couldn't, you know, do this?" Angel struggled to find words, obviously making a real effort. "For so long. And then, you know... guilty."

"For getting some now? Or wishing you could have been getting some all along?"

"Both?" Angel said hesitantly. His thumb was making little random patterns on Doyle's shoulder.

Doyle pressed closer, hoping his proximity would provide some comfort. "I don't suppose my telling you that you shouldn't feel guilty is going to help very much, huh?"

Angel kissed Doyle's temple. "Probably not. But... I don't mind hearing it."

"You shouldn't feel guilty," Doyle said obligingly, tilting his head to kiss Angel again.

Angel made a contented sound, then settled back onto the pillows. Doyle felt the motion as Angel turned his head to look at the clock. "Pizza guy's gonna be here soon," Angel said regretfully.

Doyle weighed his hunger against how right it felt to be where he was, but his stomach growling made up his mind. "Good thing you kept most of your clothes on then, huh?" he asked, kissing Angel again.

"Oh, so *I* have to go down and get it?" Angel complained good-naturedly as they both started to get up.

"I'd be happy to go get it, but..." Doyle made a show of looking Angel up and down and then himself, only having a brief moment of disorientation at the sight of his new body.

"I'll do it," Angel said, watching Doyle look at himself. "You okay? With, you know... all of this?"

"No breakdown in my immediate future," Doyle assured him. "Though if you have a robe or something I could borrow...?"

"Oh. Yeah." Angel turned and went to fetch a robe, bringing it over and handing it to Doyle. "There are, um, some other clothes too. That'd fit you." He cocked his head slightly as if listening. "And the pizza guy's here. I'll be right back."

Doyle shrugged into the robe and tied it around his waist. It gaped a bit over his chest, but he supposed that was one of the things he was going to have to get used to.

Struck with curiosity suddenly, Doyle went in search of a mirror, but didn't find one in the entire suite, even the bathroom. "Right," he muttered under his breath. "Vampire, no reflection."

Angel came back into the suite carrying a pizza box and a glass bottle of juice and wearing a sheepish expression.

"What's that expression for?" Doyle asked, moving to meet him and take the pizza from Angel.

"Um..." Angel glanced down at the floor, then back up at Doyle with a little shrug. "I didn't ask you what you wanted. I just got what Cordy likes."

Doyle froze for a second, then firmly pushed down whatever strange feeling that comment gave him. "It's okay," he said with a smile. "I like pizza pretty much any way. Besides, I do have Cordelia's taste buds now; maybe I'll have her tastes too. Won't know until we experiment."

"You gonna become a scientist or something?" Angel asked. "Maybe we can get you a job with Fred."

"Haven't really thought about what I'm going to do now," Doyle said, sitting down and opening the pizza box; the smell made his mouth water. "But somehow, I don't think scientist is going to be high on the list."

"You can take as much time as you need," Angel assured him. "You know, to get back into the swing of things. Heck, you don't have to go back to work at all if you don't want to."

"What, become a gentleman... woman... person of leisure?" Doyle teased, though his stumbling over how to refer to himself rather zapped the humour out of it.

"Yeah. I mean, that'd be okay. Not like money's an issue these days." Angel smiled a little bit uncertainly, like he wasn't sure how Doyle was taking this.

Doyle shrugged. "It's never been about the money," he said then immediately amended, "Well, 'cept when someone wanted money or my skin. Then I guess it was about the money."

"Sometimes things are. About money. But yeah... you could do anything you wanted, pretty much. You should think about it."

Doyle picked up a slice of the pizza and took a bite. Oh yeah, food was good. "Wesley suggested I might want to go back to teaching," he said, after relishing the act of eating and tasting for a few minutes.

"Oh. Well, yeah. You could do that." Angel tilted his head to the side a bit. "Do you want to do that?"

"I dunno. What do you think?" Doyle asked curiously.

Angel fiddled with the bottom button of his shirt. "I think... you'd be good with kids. Plus, um, looking like you do now... it'd be easier. Than some other things."

"I *was* good at it," Doyle said, smiling a little at the memories. "Kids... they're honest, y'know? That's refreshing sometimes."

"Yeah," Angel said. "That's a nice stage, I guess. When they're like that."

It suddenly dawned on Doyle that teasing Angel about kids was probably not the nicest thing he could do with the vampire. "Sorry," he said softly.

"Don't be." Angel swallowed, then said gruffly, "It's not your fault."

"Still... I'm usually better at avoiding putting my foot in it like that."

"It's just... "

"I know," Doyle said. "I'm not seriously thinking of going back to teaching," he added after a moment.

"You're not?" He might have been imagining it, but he thought Angel sounded hopeful.

"Nah. Like I told Wesley, that's a different life." He quirked his mouth up into a smile. "Literally. But fighting the good fight, that's what I want to do. What I'm meant to do. Figure the best way to do that is work with you."

"You're not gonna be doing anything if you don't get some food into you," Angel pointed out, seeming more relaxed now. "So... you and Wes have been talking a lot, huh."

"Some." Doyle obligingly took another bite of his pizza. "Not as much as with you."

"Do you think...?" Angel moved over to sit down, his elbows resting on his thighs as he leaned forward. "Do you think I did the wrong thing? Having him forget what really happened, I mean?"

Doyle chose his words carefully when answering. "I think not remembering is hurting him. He still has the emotions, he just doesn't know why now."

"I thought I was doing the right thing," Angel said after a long minute.

"I know." Doyle put his pizza back down and reached over to touch Angel's knee. "You were trying to spare everyone the pain you're carrying. You always do that."

Angel put his hand over Doyle's, just resting it there. "You're... really good at this."

"What -- telling you the truth?"

"Making me feel better."

"Oh." He smiled. "Well good. Maybe that's what I should look at doing with my life then."

"First you should probably concentrate on the next couple of weeks," Angel said. "You know, just adjusting. To the whole female parts thing." His eyes flickered down to Doyle's chest.

Doyle resisted the urge to pull his robe more fully closed. "Looks like I'm not the only one needing to adjust," he observed.

"Yeah, well, it's... kinda different." Angel seemed to realize what he'd just said. "Sorry. Is this... are you okay with this? I mean, if you want me to back off..."

Doyle started to answer verbally, but decided actions might make his point clearer. He moved into Angel's lap, straddling Angel's legs, facing the vampire. "What do you think?"

Angel's arms wrapped around him automatically, holding him steady. "I think you're a very bad influence," Angel said, with a little grin.

"I can live with that," Doyle said, grinning back, then leaning in for a kiss. He could quite happily take up kissing Angel as a full time profession.

Angel's kisses were strong and not at all hesitant, the vampire's hands sliding down to cup Doyle's behind and pull him closer. "I don't want to wait," Angel said, with his lips still brushing against Doyle's. "Can't. I need to be inside you."

That sent a shiver of arousal through Doyle. "Ya see me protesting?" he asked, smiling against Angel's mouth.

So quickly that it made Doyle's head spin, Angel lifted him and turned them around, pressing Doyle down into the mattress.

Eager. Doyle decided then and there he liked an eager Angel. "You going to take your clothes off this time?"

"Don't know if I can wait that long," Angel said, one arm supporting his weight while the other hand fumbled with the zipper on his slacks. He kissed Doyle again, their tongues meeting.

Doyle wrapped his arms around Angel's neck, holding onto him as their tongues dueled and Angel plundered his mouth.

He only realized that Angel had managed to get his pants undone when he felt something hard and not totally unfamiliar pressing against his thigh.

"Guess that's a start," Doyle breathed, chuckling against Angel's lips.

"Tell me it's okay," Angel said, sliding a hand between them to tease Doyle's entrance, causing a bolt of pleasure. "Doyle. Gonna make you feel so good, I swear it. Tell me I can."

"You can. Please," Doyle said, anticipation running along his spine. Instinctively he moved his legs wider apart, pulling his knees up, offering himself to Angel.

Angel kissed him again before guiding his cock into place, pushing inside just the tiniest bit and then pausing as if waiting for Doyle's reaction.

"Ohh," Doyle breathed, his eyes widening at the new sensation. He arched his hips up, trying to get the tantalizing hardness where he was aching for it.

Angel obliged, pushing in further, his cock stretching the tender flesh as it went deeper into Doyle.

It made Doyle gasp, left him unable to breath for a moment. "Angel..."

Immediately Angel stopped moving and just kissed him, taking his time, being gentle. "It's okay. Can wait right here until you're ready."

"This is..." Doyle shifted slightly, gasping again as that made Angel slide a little bit deeper, "very weird."

"You want to stop?" There was concern in Angel's eyes.

"No," Doyle said quickly, lifting his head to kiss him. "It's weird, but it's a good weird. Just... weird. Y'know?"

Angel smiled and pulled out a little bit, then thrust back in slowly. "Still weird?" he asked.

"Yeah." Doyle's voice was becoming a bit breathless. "Don't stop."

"Oh, don't worry," Angel said, thrusting in deeper. "Not gonna stop any time soon. Feels too good."

That pulled another gasp from Doyle. "Never felt anything like this..."

Angel was moving steadily now, his cock touching every part of Doyle, inside, both causing and soothing an itch that Doyle hadn't known existed until now. Then Angel shifted his weight, slid his hand back down between them.

Doyle cried out when Angel's fingers touched him, the same sensitive reaction as earlier but somehow more intense with Angel's cock inside him at the same time.

"That's it," Angel said encouragingly, slowing down his thrusts just a little bit while his fingertips pressed and rubbed. "Just relax, enjoy it. Want you to feel good."

Doyle would have laughed if he hadn't been so caught up in what he was experiencing. Feel good? He was so beyond good at the moment that he didn't have words to describe it.

He could tell from the tension in Angel's body that the vampire was holding back, concentrating all of his attention on Doyle. Angel was watching Doyle's face intently as he thrust, as if trying to read what he was thinking, feeling.

The ability to speak at all coherently seemed to have left Doyle, but he held Angel's gaze, hoping his feelings were apparent in his eyes and in his soft sounds of pleasure.

"God... you feel..." Angel obviously wasn't doing much better in the talking department, and he started moving faster again, like he couldn't quite control himself.

The thought that he was making Angel lose control went a great way towards making Doyle lose control too. "You too," he managed to gasp as he moved in concert with Angel, urging him on.

Angel groaned as Doyle rose to meet his thrusts. "Don't want to hurt you," Angel said tightly.

"You hear... me... complaining?" Doyle gasped. "Oh god, more."

That seemed to get through to Angel -- he shifted his weight back onto his knees and pulled Doyle up to meet him, both hands on Doyle's waist as he drove in harder and faster than before.

Doyle just held on in the face of the growing feelings that Angel's possession were engendering; held on and watched similar feeling flit over Angel's face.

"Love you," Angel said, giving voice to the emotion. He slid one hand to the small of Doyle's back and splayed the other across his stomach, thumb's tip moving over Doyle's most sensitive spot with each powerful thrust.

Doyle moaned as the pleasurable ache built, becoming more intense with every movement. "Angel," he breathed, acknowledgment and plea all in one.

Leaning down, Angel licked a small circle around Doyle's taut nipple, then blew air across the damp skin. "Want you to come with me inside you," Angel said, his voice strained as he moved even deeper, so deep inside that Doyle almost couldn't stand it.

It wasn't going to be a difficult request to fulfill; Doyle was on the edge already and fast tipping over.

When he felt Angel shudder, and his own body suddenly lock up with pleasure, he knew he was falling.

Everything went away for a few seconds after that, but reality snapped back into focus just in time to watch Angel's face as he came.

Angel gave a low moan, and Doyle could feel him trembling, could feel his cock throbbing. The vampire gasped out, "Doyle..." before he collapsed forward, barely managing to catch his weight on his forearms.

Doyle wrapped his arms around Angel, pulling him down closer.

"God," Angel said after a minute, when the worst of the shudders seemed to have passed. "That was..."

"Yeah," Doyle replied, feeling himself smiling so widely it almost made his face hurt. "It was."

He felt Angel relax a little bit at that. "Good," Angel said softly.

Doyle chuckled. "And you still haven't managed to get undressed."

Angel pushed himself up and kissed Doyle. "Yeah. Have to see if we can't do something about that next time."

"Next time." Doyle kissed him back. "I like the sound of that."

"Good," Angel said again. "'Cause I can see us doing this a lot."

"So I'm not going to have to talk you into this every time?" Doyle grinned. "See, he can be taught."  
"You just have to find the right reward," Angel agreed, "and you can get me to do just about anything."

"Think maybe I've found it?"

"I hope you're not saying you think all I care about is sex," Angel said, rubbing his nose against Doyle's.

"And I hope that wasn't a serious concern. Or we're going to have some long talks."

"Does that mean if I tell you I was just kidding we *won't* be having any long talks?" Angel asked hopefully.

Doyle grinned. "Not about that at least."

Without warning, Angel moved off of him and rolled both of them sideways so that Doyle was cradled on the vampire's chest. "What *are* we going to be having long talks about?"

"Oh, lots of things, I'm sure." Doyle snuggled closer, with a contented sigh. "The past, the future," he paused and grinned, "your hair..."

"Hey!" Angel said, one hand going automatically up to touch the hair in question. "I'm not changing my hair."

"No?" Still smiling, Doyle reached up and ran his fingers through Angel's hair.

"Well okay, maybe. Does it really look that bad?" Angel sounded anxious.

"It's fine," Doyle said, taking pity on him. "Really." He continued to run his fingers through it, smoothing out the spiky bits the gel had styled.

Angel continued to watch Doyle's face for a minute, then sighed and closed his eyes. "Feels nice," he said softly.

So this is what Angel looked like with his defenses down, Doyle thought, continuing to play with Angel's hair. "Can keep doing it, if you want."

"Mmm." The noise was noncommittal, but the little smile at the corners of Angel's lips was a good enough answer.

"Will have to make note. When I want you to melt, play with your hair."

Angel's arm around him tightened briefly, then relaxed again. "Mm-hm."

"Any other secrets I should know?" Doyle asked softly.

The silence was so long that he started to think Angel had drifted off to sleep, but then the vampire murmured, "Love you?"

Doyle smiled and kissed him lightly. "That one I already know."


	15. Chapter 15

To: Doyle@TheHyperion.com  
From: Angel

Hi.

Look, I'm really, really sorry about this morning. About, you know... calling you by the wrong name like that. If I say that it's because I wasn't totally awake yet, does that make it any better, or does it just sound like an excuse? I mean, I know you said it was okay, but... it's not.

I'm really sorry.

Did you find the clothes okay? Um... did you find the computer okay?

Let me know. If I don't hear from you pretty soon I'm gonna call. Just to make sure you're all right.

I'm sorry.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

> Hi.

Hi Angel.

> Look, I'm really, really sorry about this morning. About, you know...  
calling you by the wrong name like that. If I say that it's because I  
wasn't totally awake yet, does that make it any better, or does it just  
sound like an excuse? I mean, I know you said it was okay, but... it's  
not.

It's okay. Really.

I won't say that it wasn't... disconcerting -- disturbing even -- but it's something I'm gonna have to get used to, eh?

And I understand. Really.

It is Cordelia's body I'm wearing here after all.

> I'm really sorry.

I get that.

> Did you find the clothes okay? Um... did you find the computer okay?

Yeah and yeah.

She had a lot of clothes, didn't she.

> Let me know. If I don't hear from you pretty soon I'm gonna call. Just  
to make sure you're all right.

I'm fine, Angel. Really.

> I'm sorry.

I know.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > Look, I'm really, really sorry about this morning. About, you know...  
calling you by the wrong name like that. If I say that it's because I  
wasn't totally awake yet, does that make it any better, or does it just  
sound like an excuse? I mean, I know you said it was okay, but... it's  
not.

> It's okay. Really.

No, it's really not.

> I won't say that it wasn't... disconcerting -- disturbing even -- but it's  
something I'm gonna have to get used to, eh?

Not from me, because it's not going to happen again. I promise.

Everyone else, we're gonna have to work on probably. I mean, we'll explain things to people here, so that hopefully it won't happen much, but... you're right that it's going to take some time anyway.

> And I understand. Really.

It is Cordelia's body I'm wearing here after all.

Yeah, but... there's still no excuse for it. Even if I *was* practically asleep.

I do know it's you in there. I'm not... pretending it's her. Or anything. You know?

> > I'm really sorry.

> I get that.

Good. I'll keep saying it if it helps.

> > Did you find the clothes okay? Um... did you find the computer okay?

> Yeah and yeah.

She had a lot of clothes, didn't she.

Uh-huh. And that's only some of them I think. I'm not sure where the rest ended up.

> > Let me know. If I don't hear from you pretty soon I'm gonna call. Just  
to make sure you're all right.

> I'm fine, Angel. Really.

Okay. Let me know if you need anything. And you have the number here, so you can call me.

> > I'm sorry.

> I know.

Which means it's really *not* okay. Tell me what I can do?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > > Look, I'm really, really sorry about this morning. About, you know...  
calling you by the wrong name like that. If I say that it's because I  
wasn't totally awake yet, does that make it any better, or does it  
just sound like an excuse? I mean, I know you said it was okay, but... it's  
not.

> > It's okay. Really.

> No, it's really not.

I'm not going to argue this with you.

It is okay.

This is new to both of us and you were half asleep... it's not like I couldn't predict it happening.

> > I won't say that it wasn't... disconcerting -- disturbing even -- but  
it's something I'm gonna have to get used to, eh?

> Not from me, because it's not going to happen again. I promise.

Thank you for the promise. I won't freak if you can't keep it though.

> Everyone else, we're gonna have to work on probably. I mean, we'll  
explain things to people here, so that hopefully it won't happen much,  
but... you're right that it's going to take some time anyway.

The way things stand, it's really only the people who knew Cordelia before who will have a hard time with it. I know this, I'm ready to deal with it.

Well, ready as I'm ever going to get, anyway.

> > And I understand. Really.

It is Cordelia's body I'm wearing here after all.

> Yeah, but... there's still no excuse for it. Even if I *was*  
practically asleep.

That would be the excuse, Angel.

> I do know it's you in there. I'm not... pretending it's her. Or  
anything. You know?

I know.

'Cept when you're mostly asleep and I'm not talking and I feel and look like her...

I get how it could happen.

> > > I'm really sorry.

> > I get that.

> Good. I'll keep saying it if it helps.

You don't have to. You got your meaning across the first dozen or so times.

> > She had a lot of clothes, didn't she.

> Uh-huh. And that's only some of them I think. I'm not sure where the  
rest ended up.

Well this is enough for me for now. I'm not quite the clotheshorse that she was.

> > I'm fine, Angel. Really.

> Okay. Let me know if you need anything. And you have the number here,  
so you can call me.

I do. I'm fine.

I'm just exploring the hotel, going through Cordelia's things, getting used to being alive again.

And getting used to this body, which hasn't been all that difficult so far.

I'm not sure if that disturbs me or not.

> > > I'm sorry.

> > I know.

> Which means it's really *not* okay. Tell me what I can do?

Angel, I keep telling you, it's okay. It's fine. Really.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > No, it's really not.

> I'm not going to argue this with you.

It is okay.

This is new to both of us and you were half asleep... it's not like I couldn't  
predict it happening.

But it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it.

You deserve better.

> > Not from me, because it's not going to happen again. I promise.

> Thank you for the promise. I won't freak if you can't keep it though.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

God. I'm sorry.

This is what I meant about being bad for people, you know.

> > Everyone else, we're gonna have to work on probably. I mean, we'll  
explain things to people here, so that hopefully it won't happen much,  
but... you're right that it's going to take some time anyway.

> The way things stand, it's really only the people who knew Cordelia before who  
will have a hard time with it. I know this, I'm ready to deal with it.

Well, ready as I'm ever going to get, anyway.

I'll do anything I can to help. Anything.

> > > It is Cordelia's body I'm wearing here after all.

> > Yeah, but... there's still no excuse for it. Even if I *was*  
practically asleep.

> That would be the excuse, Angel.

I'm still sorry. But I'll stop saying it if you need me to.

> > I do know it's you in there. I'm not... pretending it's her. Or  
anything. You know? 

> I know.

'Cept when you're mostly asleep and I'm not talking and I feel and look like  
her...

I get how it could happen.

It won't happen again.

I think I'm still trying to figure out how we got here, you know? I mean, yesterday I was thinking... hoping... that we'd get both of you back. After that, nothing mattered. But now she's gone for good, and you're here but looking like her, and... I'm not sure how to get it to sink in.

> > > > I'm really sorry.

> > > I get that.

> > Good. I'll keep saying it if it helps.

> You don't have to. You got your meaning across the first dozen or so times.

Okay. I won't say it again, but I still am.

> > > She had a lot of clothes, didn't she.

> > Uh-huh. And that's only some of them I think. I'm not sure where the  
rest ended up.

> Well this is enough for me for now. I'm not quite the clotheshorse that she was.

We can get new stuff, if, you know, wearing hers is too weird. I mean, how do you even deal with all that... female... stuff? Lacy underwear and bras and... you know you're going to, you know. Right?

> > Okay. Let me know if you need anything. And you have the number here,  
so you can call me.

> I do. I'm fine.

I'm just exploring the hotel, going through Cordelia's things, getting used to  
being alive again.

And getting used to this body, which hasn't been all that difficult so far.

I'm not sure if that disturbs me or not. 

So it doesn't feel... unnatural?

And I'm here if you want to talk about it.

> > > > I'm sorry.

> > > I know.

> > Which means it's really *not* okay. Tell me what I can do?

> Angel, I keep telling you, it's okay. It's fine. Really.

I want to help. Just promise that if you *do* think of anything I can do, you'll tell me, okay?

\- Angel

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

Angel told me that you were staying at the Hyperion today. I think that's a wise decision -- good to give yourself a bit of time, after all that's happened. It must be quite a shock.

You made a very difficult decision in a short amount of time. I hope you're not having a hard time accepting the end result.

If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I'd be happy to take you out... er, I don't mean that in a date sort of way, I just mean perhaps you might like a ride somewhere, to do some errands, or anything else. I also wonder if it might not benefit you to develop a friendship with a woman, someone who could answer any questions that might come up.

Are you all right?

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > This is new to both of us and you were half asleep... it's not like I  
couldn't predict it happening.

> But it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it.

Because of course you can control everything.

> You deserve better.

We don't always get what we deserve.

> > Thank you for the promise. I won't freak if you can't keep it though.

> Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I just meant that if you slip I'm not going to take it as a big deal. Not that you would but if you did...

> God. I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to put a moratorium on apologies I see.

Or threaten to dye your hair purple when you're asleep if you keep it up.

> This is what I meant about being bad for people, you know.

You're not bad for people.

Bad with them maybe.

But I'm willing to help you work on that.

> > The way things stand, it's really only the people who knew Cordelia  
before who will have a hard time with it. I know this, I'm ready to deal with it.

Well, ready as I'm ever going to get, anyway.

> I'll do anything I can to help. Anything.

I know.

> > > > It is Cordelia's body I'm wearing here after all.

> > > Yeah, but... there's still no excuse for it. Even if I *was*  
practically asleep.

> > That would be the excuse, Angel. 

> I'm still sorry. But I'll stop saying it if you need me to.

You're making too big a deal out of it, Angel.

You're going to make me think that there was more to this than just a slip of a half awake mind if you keep it up.

> It won't happen again.

I think I'm still trying to figure out how we got here, you know? I  
mean, yesterday I was thinking... hoping... that we'd get both of you  
back. After that, nothing mattered. But now she's gone for good, and  
you're here but looking like her, and... I'm not sure how to get it to  
sink in.

It's difficult -- because you're happy I'm here but you're grieving Cordelia at the same time -- and the emotions are even more confusing because until I open my mouth it looks like *she's* still here and...

Yeah, I get it.

> > > > > I'm really sorry.

> > > > I get that.

> > > Good. I'll keep saying it if it helps.

> > You don't have to. You got your meaning across the first dozen or so  
times.

> Okay. I won't say it again, but I still am.

I know.

> > > > She had a lot of clothes, didn't she.

> > > Uh-huh. And that's only some of them I think. I'm not sure where the  
rest ended up.

> > Well this is enough for me for now. I'm not quite the clotheshorse  
that she was.

> We can get new stuff, if, you know, wearing hers is too weird. I mean,  
how do you even deal with all that... female... stuff? Lacy underwear  
and bras and... you know you're going to, you know. Right?

I'm not really ready to try the skirts or dresses yet. But I'm managing fine with pants and  
tops.

Trying not to think about the underwear beyond the thought it took to actually put them on.

As for... that... hopefully won't have to cross that bridge for a bit yet.

> > And getting used to this body, which hasn't been all that difficult so far.

I'm not sure if that disturbs me or not.

> So it doesn't feel... unnatural?

It doesn't. Not as much as I think it should when I think about it. It feels like my body -- until I run into something that is different from my old body and even then it's just startling not... alien.

> And I'm here if you want to talk about it.

I know.

> > > Which means it's really *not* okay. Tell me what I can do?

> > Angel, I keep telling you, it's okay. It's fine. Really.

> I want to help. Just promise that if you *do* think of anything I can  
do, you'll tell me, okay?

I will.

Or if I start feeling mischievous I might throw outrageous requests at you.

Like the aforementioned purple dye.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > This is new to both of us and you were half asleep... it's not like I  
couldn't predict it happening.

> > But it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it. 

> Because of course you can control everything.

No, more like because I can't control anything. It'd be nice to think I could at least control ONE really important thing.

> > You deserve better.

> We don't always get what we deserve.

Well, you're going to, if it kills me. Um... not literally. But I want you to be happy.

> > > Thank you for the promise. I won't freak if you can't keep it though.

> > Thanks for the vote of confidence.

> I just meant that if you slip I'm not going to take it as a big deal. Not that  
you would but if you did...

Yeah, okay. I get that. But I'm not going to slip.

> > God. I'm sorry.

> I'm going to have to put a moratorium on apologies I see.

Or threaten to dye your hair purple when you're asleep if you keep it up.

I'm stopping. With the sorry thing, I mean.

And not just because of the purple hair threat. I'm not that deep a sleeper -- you'd never get away with it.

> > This is what I meant about being bad for people, you know.

> You're not bad for people.

Bad with them maybe.

But I'm willing to help you work on that.

It might be a bigger job than you signed on for.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be grateful though.

You being back is... really important to me.

> > > > Yeah, but... there's still no excuse for it. Even if I *was*  
practically asleep. 

> > > That would be the excuse, Angel.

> > I'm still sorry. But I'll stop saying it if you need me to.

> You're making too big a deal out of it, Angel.

You're going to make me think that there was more to this than just a slip of a  
half awake mind if you keep it up.

It felt like a big deal. It wasn't the way I wanted us to wake up together for the first time, that's for sure. That's one of those things you can't get back. You don't get a second chance.

I'm gonna make it up to you though, if I can.

> > I think I'm still trying to figure out how we got here, you know? I  
mean, yesterday I was thinking... hoping... that we'd get both of you  
back. After that, nothing mattered. But now she's gone for good, and  
you're here but looking like her, and... I'm not sure how to get it to  
sink in.

> It's difficult -- because you're happy I'm here but you're grieving Cordelia at  
the same time -- and the emotions are even more confusing because until I open  
my mouth it looks like *she's* still here and...

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah. Half the time I don't know which one of you I should be missing.

> > We can get new stuff, if, you know, wearing hers is too weird. I mean,  
how do you even deal with all that... female... stuff? Lacy underwear  
and bras and... you know you're going to, you know. Right?

> I'm not really ready to try the skirts or dresses yet. But I'm managing fine  
with pants and tops.

You don't have to if you don't want to. Deal with the skirts and things, I mean.

Is it too weird to say you look good? If I do, does it sound like I'm complimenting somebody else?

> Trying not to think about the underwear beyond the thought it took to actually  
put them on.

And any time it gets too weird, I could, you know... help you take them off.

> As for... that... hopefully won't have to cross that bridge for a bit yet.

I couldn't tell you. The medical people had her -- her body, whatever -- kind of frozen. Something about it being a way to keep her body from deteriorating the way it would if she was just in a regular kind of coma. Suspended animation?

So I don't know.

> > > And getting used to this body, which hasn't been all that difficult so far.

I'm not sure if that disturbs me or not.

> > So it doesn't feel... unnatural?

> It doesn't. Not as much as I think it should when I think about it. It feels  
like my body -- until I run into something that is different from my old body  
and even then it's just startling not... alien.

They say people are, you know... adaptable. Guess you're going a long way to prove that right.

> > And I'm here if you want to talk about it.

> I know.

Just don't forget. I think about you maybe being scared and not admitting it, or more freaked out than you're letting on, and... I want to help.

> > I want to help. Just promise that if you *do* think of anything I can  
do, you'll tell me, okay?

> I will.

Or if I start feeling mischievous I might throw outrageous requests at you.

Like the aforementioned purple dye.

Seriously not going to happen.

Oh, we've got Cordy's old apartment back. Turns out it's been empty since we moved her stuff out -- I guess someone tried to move in and Dennis made things interesting for him real fast. Since then they haven't been able to rent it. So it's there. It's ours. Um, yours. If you want it. I mean, we should do something with it. Maybe you'd rather stay there than at the hotel? I'd get that.

I've asked my assistant to set up some accounts at the local places, so if you need anything and you don't want to go out, you can just call and have stuff delivered. Money's not an issue.

Can't stop thinking about you.

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> Angel told me that you were staying at the Hyperion today. I think  
that's a wise decision -- good to give yourself a bit of time, after  
all that's happened. It must be quite a shock.

Yeah, a bit. Not something that happens to you every day.

I'm coping. :-)

> You made a very difficult decision in a short amount of time. I hope  
you're not having a hard time accepting the end result.

Cordelia offered me pretty much the most personal gift that it was possible to offer. Couldn't very well refuse it, could I?

> If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I'd be happy to take  
you out... er, I don't mean that in a date sort of way, I just mean  
perhaps you might like a ride somewhere, to do some errands, or  
anything else. I also wonder if it might not benefit you to develop a  
friendship with a woman, someone who could answer any questions that  
might come up.

I'd like to go out some time -- a night of drinking and talking I do believe you promised me; I'm holding you to it.

I don't know about asking a woman I just met any of the kind of questions I'm liable to have -- I think it would be embarrassing for both of us.

Maybe I should track down my ex and see if she'd be willing to be my guide in the feminine mystique.

After she finished laughing at me of course.

> Are you all right? 

I'm fine. How about you?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > Angel told me that you were staying at the Hyperion today. I think  
that's a wise decision -- good to give yourself a bit of time, after  
all that's happened. It must be quite a shock.

> Yeah, a bit. Not something that happens to you every day.

I'm coping. :-)

I'm glad to hear it.

> > You made a very difficult decision in a short amount of time. I hope  
you're not having a hard time accepting the end result.

> Cordelia offered me pretty much the most personal gift that it was possible to  
offer. Couldn't very well refuse it, could I?

You certainly could have refused it.

I don't think you should downplay the seriousness of the choice you made. I'm not trying to imply in any way that I think you made the wrong one -- I just think you should acknowledge that it's a complicated situation, and give yourself credit where credit is due.

> > If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I'd be happy to take  
you out... er, I don't mean that in a date sort of way, I just mean  
perhaps you might like a ride somewhere, to do some errands, or  
anything else. I also wonder if it might not benefit you to develop a  
friendship with a woman, someone who could answer any questions that  
might come up.

> I'd like to go out some time -- a night of drinking and talking I do believe you  
promised me; I'm holding you to it.

I'd still very much like to do that, if you would.

> I don't know about asking a woman I just met any of the kind of questions I'm  
liable to have -- I think it would be embarrassing for both of us. 

You're probably right.

I am sorry that things turned out the way that they did. I'm sorry I couldn't have done more for you, and for Cordelia.

> Maybe I should track down my ex and see if she'd be willing to be my guide in  
the feminine mystique.

After she finished laughing at me of course.

I can get someone on that right away if you'd like me to, if you could tell me her name and where you saw her last. Any details that might be helpful.

> > Are you all right?

> I'm fine. How about you?

I'm fine. Thank you for asking.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > Because of course you can control everything.

> No, more like because I can't control anything. It'd be nice to think I  
could at least control ONE really important thing.

From where I'm sitting, you're so busy trying to control everything that you're not enjoying anything as it happens.

Like last night. You enjoyed that didn't you?

> > We don't always get what we deserve.

> Well, you're going to, if it kills me. Um... not literally. But I want  
you to be happy.

Thank you. That means a lot. Really.

> > I just meant that if you slip I'm not going to take it as a big deal.  
Not that you would but if you did...

> Yeah, okay. I get that. But I'm not going to slip.

You hold on too tight to control, that's when you're most likely to slip y'know.

> > I'm going to have to put a moratorium on apologies I see.

Or threaten to dye your hair purple when you're asleep if you keep it up.

> I'm stopping. With the sorry thing, I mean.

And not just because of the purple hair threat. I'm not that deep a  
sleeper -- you'd never get away with it.

Oh, believe me I have my ways.

> > You're not bad for people.

Bad with them maybe.

But I'm willing to help you work on that.

> It might be a bigger job than you signed on for.

That is the job I signed on for -- so by definition it can't be bigger.

> I'm not saying I wouldn't be grateful though.

You better be or we'd have to go with the purple hair again.

> You being back is... really important to me.

Thanks.

I'm glad I was able to come back. For you.

> > > I'm still sorry. But I'll stop saying it if you need me to.

> > You're making too big a deal out of it, Angel.

You're going to make me think that there was more to this than just a  
slip of a half awake mind if you keep it up.

> It felt like a big deal. It wasn't the way I wanted us to wake up  
together for the first time, that's for sure. That's one of those  
things you can't get back. You don't get a second chance. 

You know what your real problem is Angel?

You're a hopeless romantic.

Not that I mind that in you.

But life's not a fairy tale -- there's going to be bumps in the road. That doesn't mean we're going off the road. Just makes the ride more interesting.

> I'm gonna make it up to you though, if I can.

More nights like last night would be a good place to start.

Only with less clothes on your part.

> > It's difficult -- because you're happy I'm here but you're grieving  
Cordelia at the same time -- and the emotions are even more confusing because  
until I open my mouth it looks like *she's* still here and...

Yeah, I get it.

> Yeah. Half the time I don't know which one of you I should be missing.

I'm right here, Angel. Just have to reach out and touch me.

> > I'm not really ready to try the skirts or dresses yet. But I'm  
managing fine with pants and tops.

> You don't have to if you don't want to. Deal with the skirts and  
things, I mean.

I'm sure I'll want to experiment when I get more comfortable in this skin.

Have to work with what I've got after all.

> Is it too weird to say you look good? If I do, does it sound like I'm  
complimenting somebody else?

It's not weird. Does feel a bit like I should be passing on the compliments to Cordelia, since I haven't actually done anything yet other than just go with what the body looked like when I got it.

> > Trying not to think about the underwear beyond the thought it took to  
actually put them on.

> And any time it gets too weird, I could, you know... help you take them off. 

:-)

That's what I like to see. You flirting with me.

> > As for... that... hopefully won't have to cross that bridge for a bit  
yet.

> I couldn't tell you. The medical people had her -- her body, whatever  
\-- kind of frozen. Something about it being a way to keep her body from  
deteriorating the way it would if she was just in a regular kind of  
coma. Suspended animation?

So I don't know.

As I said, cross that bridge when I come to it. Until then, I'm steadfastly ignoring it.

> > > So it doesn't feel... unnatural?

> > It doesn't. Not as much as I think it should when I think about it. It  
feels like my body -- until I run into something that is different from my  
old body and even then it's just startling not... alien.

> They say people are, you know... adaptable. Guess you're going a long  
way to prove that right.

I'm thinking a certain amount of feeling comfortable in this skin was part of the whole getting this body magic in the first place. So I don't know how much adaptability on my part counts in this.

> > > And I'm here if you want to talk about it.

> > I know.

> Just don't forget. I think about you maybe being scared and not  
admitting it, or more freaked out than you're letting on, and... I want  
to help.

I'm okay, Angel. Maybe I should be freaking out or something, but I'm not. Not yet at least.

The weirdest bit so far has been taking a shower. I felt... kinda like a voyeur or something. Not quite used to thinking of this body as mine yet.

> > Or if I start feeling mischievous I might throw outrageous requests  
at you.

Like the aforementioned purple dye. 

> Seriously not going to happen.

You keep talking like that I might just have to do it to be contrary.

> Oh, we've got Cordy's old apartment back. Turns out it's been empty  
since we moved her stuff out -- I guess someone tried to move in and  
Dennis made things interesting for him real fast. Since then they  
haven't been able to rent it. So it's there. It's ours. Um, yours. If  
you want it. I mean, we should do something with it. Maybe you'd rather  
stay there than at the hotel? I'd get that.

I don't know. I'll have to think about it. It might be good to have a place of my own... but at the same time, last night with you was wonderful. I'd like more like that.

But at the very least, I want to go, talk to Dennis. Tell him what happened. That Cordelia's okay, but that she's not going to be back. And the whole body switching thing.

He deserves to know.

> I've asked my assistant to set up some accounts at the local places, so  
if you need anything and you don't want to go out, you can just call  
and have stuff delivered. Money's not an issue.

Thanks.

> Can't stop thinking about you.

So share some of the thoughts.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > No, more like because I can't control anything. It'd be nice to think I  
could at least control ONE really important thing.

> From where I'm sitting, you're so busy trying to control everything that you're  
not enjoying anything as it happens.

Like last night. You enjoyed that didn't you? 

Are you kidding? Did I give you some reason to think I didn't?

I just want stuff to be right for you. There's nothing wrong with that.

> > > We don't always get what we deserve.

> > Well, you're going to, if it kills me. Um... not literally. But I want  
you to be happy.

> Thank you. That means a lot. Really.

Well, it's true.

> > Yeah, okay. I get that. But I'm not going to slip.

> You hold on too tight to control, that's when you're most likely to slip y'know.

There are some things I need to be in control of. Not really any other options.

> > > Or threaten to dye your hair purple when you're asleep if you keep it up.

> > I'm stopping. With the sorry thing, I mean.

And not just because of the purple hair threat. I'm not that deep a  
sleeper -- you'd never get away with it.

> Oh, believe me I have my ways.

And believe *me,* if -- and that's a really big if -- you were able to manage something like that, I'd find a way to get you back.

> > > You're not bad for people.

Bad with them maybe.

But I'm willing to help you work on that.

> > It might be a bigger job than you signed on for.

> That is the job I signed on for -- so by definition it can't be bigger.

> > You being back is... really important to me.

> Thanks.

I'm glad I was able to come back. For you. 

Please tell me that's not the only reason you did. Because that's... I mean, don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you would, that I'd even be a reason to come back, but... I don't want to think that you did it for me. Like it was some kind of sacrifice.

> > It felt like a big deal. It wasn't the way I wanted us to wake up  
together for the first time, that's for sure. That's one of those  
things you can't get back. You don't get a second chance.

> You know what your real problem is Angel?

You're a hopeless romantic.

Not that I mind that in you.

But life's not a fairy tale -- there's going to be bumps in the road. That  
doesn't mean we're going off the road. Just makes the ride more interesting.

I don't like the bumps. Actually, I'm fucking sick of them.

A smooth ride'd be good about now.

> > I'm gonna make it up to you though, if I can.

> More nights like last night would be a good place to start.

Only with less clothes on your part.

I can do that.

> > > It's difficult -- because you're happy I'm here but you're grieving Cordelia at  
the same time -- and the emotions are even more confusing because  
until I open my mouth it looks like *she's* still here and...

Yeah, I get it.

> > Yeah. Half the time I don't know which one of you I should be missing.

> I'm right here, Angel. Just have to reach out and touch me.

Hey, that might have worked when you were actually *in* the computer, but today... I'd have to come back to the hotel to touch you.

Not that I wouldn't do that.

> > You don't have to if you don't want to. Deal with the skirts and  
things, I mean. 

> I'm sure I'll want to experiment when I get more comfortable in this skin.

Have to work with what I've got after all.

Yeah, but high heels look really uncomfortable.

> > Is it too weird to say you look good? If I do, does it sound like I'm  
complimenting somebody else?

> It's not weird. Does feel a bit like I should be passing on the compliments to  
Cordelia, since I haven't actually done anything yet other than just go with  
what the body looked like when I got it.

You don't need to do anything special. Just be you. Be comfortable. That's what matters.

> > > Trying not to think about the underwear beyond the thought it took to  
actually put them on.

> > And any time it gets too weird, I could, you know... help you take them off.

> :-)

That's what I like to see. You flirting with me.

It's a little weird. I mean, it feels different. Not different in a bad way.

If there were any things of Cordy's you didn't like, we could play around with them a little. You could put them on and then I could, you know, rip them off you.

That could be fun.

> > I couldn't tell you. The medical people had her -- her body, whatever  
\-- kind of frozen. Something about it being a way to keep her body from  
deteriorating the way it would if she was just in a regular kind of  
coma. Suspended animation?

So I don't know.

> As I said, cross that bridge when I come to it. Until then, I'm steadfastly  
ignoring it.

Okay. I can take a hint.

> > They say people are, you know... adaptable. Guess you're going a long  
way to prove that right.

> I'm thinking a certain amount of feeling comfortable in this skin was part of  
the whole getting this body magic in the first place. So I don't know how much  
adaptability on my part counts in this.

Maybe. Still, doesn't hurt to give yourself some credit, does it?

> > Just don't forget. I think about you maybe being scared and not  
admitting it, or more freaked out than you're letting on, and... I want  
to help.

> I'm okay, Angel. Maybe I should be freaking out or something, but I'm not. Not  
yet at least.

The weirdest bit so far has been taking a shower. I felt... kinda like a voyeur  
or something. Not quite used to thinking of this body as mine yet.

I'm pretty sure I can help you with that part. Getting used to it feeling like yours, I mean.

> > > Like the aforementioned purple dye.

> > Seriously not going to happen.

> You keep talking like that I might just have to do it to be contrary.

If I start suspecting you're serious, I might have to tie you up at night so I can get some sleep without worrying what you're up to.

> > Oh, we've got Cordy's old apartment back. Turns out it's been empty  
since we moved her stuff out -- I guess someone tried to move in and  
Dennis made things interesting for him real fast. Since then they  
haven't been able to rent it. So it's there. It's ours. Um, yours. If  
you want it. I mean, we should do something with it. Maybe you'd rather  
stay there than at the hotel? I'd get that.

> I don't know. I'll have to think about it. It might be good to have a place of  
my own... but at the same time, last night with you was wonderful. I'd like more  
like that.

It's totally up to you. If you want some space, I can respect that.

> But at the very least, I want to go, talk to Dennis. Tell him what happened.  
That Cordelia's okay, but that she's not going to be back. And the whole body  
switching thing.

He deserves to know.

Yeah, you're right.

> > I've asked my assistant to set up some accounts at the local places, so  
if you need anything and you don't want to go out, you can just call  
and have stuff delivered. Money's not an issue.

> Thanks.

No problem.

> > Can't stop thinking about you.

> So share some of the thoughts.

Well, it's probably that hopeless romantic thing again, but really I just want to come back to the hotel, walk in the front door, and hold you. For a couple of hours maybe. Just breathe in your scent, feel you warm against me, listen to your heart beating and know you're really there.

You want to do anything special tonight? Let me know.

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > > Angel told me that you were staying at the Hyperion today. I think  
that's a wise decision -- good to give yourself a bit of time, after  
all that's happened. It must be quite a shock.

> > Yeah, a bit. Not something that happens to you every day.

I'm coping. :-)

> I'm glad to hear it.

It's all a bit weird, but weirdness has been my life's catchword for years now.

> > Cordelia offered me pretty much the most personal gift that it was  
possible to  
offer. Couldn't very well refuse it, could I?

> You certainly could have refused it.

No, I don't think I could've.

> I don't think you should downplay the seriousness of the choice you  
made. I'm not trying to imply in any way that I think you made the  
wrong one -- I just think you should acknowledge that it's a  
complicated situation, and give yourself credit where credit is due.

Thank you.

But really, it wasn't much of a choice. This was the only way I could stay and be there for Angel. If I'd chosen otherwise... I don't even want to think about what would've happened to him.

And you looked like you could use a friend too.

> > I'd like to go out some time -- a night of drinking and talking I do  
believe you promised me; I'm holding you to it.

> I'd still very much like to do that, if you would.

Name the night and I'll make sure I'm free.

> I am sorry that things turned out the way that they did. I'm sorry I  
couldn't have done more for you, and for Cordelia.

Wesley, don't be shouldering any blame for this. It isn't yours to take. You couldn't bring Cordelia back -- her place isn't here any more.

And I'm not complaining on my part -- who knows if I would have gotten this chance if you hadn't done what you did?

So thank you for that.

> > Maybe I should track down my ex and see if she'd be willing to be my  
guide in the feminine mystique.

After she finished laughing at me of course.

> I can get someone on that right away if you'd like me to, if you could  
tell me her name and where you saw her last. Any details that might be  
helpful.

I enclosed at the end all the information I had about where she was last living, and working. You might have better luck tracing her through her work -- I don't know if Harry would've stayed in LA after...

Or maybe I'm overestimating what my dying would have meant to her.

> > > Are you all right?

> > I'm fine. How about you?

> I'm fine. Thank you for asking.

Y'sure? Last night was probably just as rough on you as it was on me -- if not more so.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > Yeah, a bit. Not something that happens to you every day.

I'm coping. :-)

> > I'm glad to hear it.

> It's all a bit weird, but weirdness has been my life's catchword for years now.

I think we've all had to deal with that, though perhaps not to the extremes that you have. It's good that you're so circumspect about the whole thing.

> > > Cordelia offered me pretty much the most personal gift that it was  
possible to offer. Couldn't very well refuse it, could I?

> > You certainly could have refused it.

> No, I don't think I could've.

Why not? Because of the visions?

> > I don't think you should downplay the seriousness of the choice you  
made. I'm not trying to imply in any way that I think you made the  
wrong one -- I just think you should acknowledge that it's a  
complicated situation, and give yourself credit where credit is due.

> Thank you.

But really, it wasn't much of a choice. This was the only way I could stay and  
be there for Angel. If I'd chosen otherwise... I don't even want to think about  
what would've happened to him. 

Oh, yes. I understand.

He's very lucky to have you.

> And you looked like you could use a friend too.

I assure you, I would have been...

I...

Thank you. I'd like to say that I'd have been fine, that I know that Angel and I would have worked things out between us, but I don't know that that's true. In any case, I'm glad you made the choice that you did. For my sake, as well as his.

Those aren't easy things for me to admit.

> > > I'd like to go out some time -- a night of drinking and talking I do  
believe you promised me; I'm holding you to it.

> > I'd still very much like to do that, if you would.

> Name the night and I'll make sure I'm free.

Perhaps you should give yourself a bit more time to settle in?

I suppose I don't feel right taking you away from Angel. Er, not that I could in *that* sense. But the two of you must want to spend a great deal of time together currently, and I wouldn't want to interrupt that.

> > I am sorry that things turned out the way that they did. I'm sorry I  
couldn't have done more for you, and for Cordelia.

> Wesley, don't be shouldering any blame for this. It isn't yours to take. You  
couldn't bring Cordelia back -- her place isn't here any more.

And I'm not complaining on my part -- who knows if I would have gotten this  
chance if you hadn't done what you did?

So thank you for that.

You're welcome. And you're right, of course, about Cordelia's place being elsewhere. Still, I would have liked to have been able to get you your own body back, rather than have you needing to make this incredible adjustment.

> > > Maybe I should track down my ex and see if she'd be willing to be my  
guide in the feminine mystique.

After she finished laughing at me of course.

> > I can get someone on that right away if you'd like me to, if you could  
tell me her name and where you saw her last. Any details that might be  
helpful.

> I enclosed at the end all the information I had about where she was last living,  
and working. You might have better luck tracing her through her work -- I don't  
know if Harry would've stayed in LA after...

Or maybe I'm overestimating what my dying would have meant to her.

No, I'm certain you're not. I know what it did to Angel and to Cordelia -- I'm sure Harry would have been similarly affected.

I'll let you know as soon as we find anything.

> > > I'm fine. How about you?

> > I'm fine. Thank you for asking.

> Y'sure? Last night was probably just as rough on you as it was on me -- if not  
more so.

I didn't want to let any of you down, and it's unfortunate that I did despite my best efforts. But I'm, as you say, coping.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > From where I'm sitting, you're so busy trying to control everything  
that you're  
not enjoying anything as it happens.

Like last night. You enjoyed that didn't you?

> Are you kidding? Did I give you some reason to think I didn't?

My point is that you let go of control enough to do what we did. And nothing bad happened.

> I just want stuff to be right for you. There's nothing wrong with that.

Not at the expense of yourself though.

> > > Well, you're going to, if it kills me. Um... not literally. But I want  
you to be happy.

> > Thank you. That means a lot. Really.

> Well, it's true.

How about we try and work on making us both happy?

> > You hold on too tight to control, that's when you're most likely to  
slip y'know.

> There are some things I need to be in control of. Not really any other  
options.

How you deal with me shouldn't be one of those things. I want you to be able to be relaxed and open with me, not worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing.

> > > And not just because of the purple hair threat. I'm not that deep a  
sleeper -- you'd never get away with it.

> > Oh, believe me I have my ways.

> And believe *me,* if -- and that's a really big if -- you were able to  
manage something like that, I'd find a way to get you back.

Yeah, but I used to have green spiky skinned.

Purple hair isn't even a blip on my radar.

> Please tell me that's not the only reason you did. Because that's... I  
mean, don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you would, that I'd even  
be a reason to come back, but... I don't want to think that you did it  
for me. Like it was some kind of sacrifice.

It wasn't a sacrifice. I love you -- I didn't want you to be alone.

> > You know what your real problem is Angel?

You're a hopeless romantic.

Not that I mind that in you.

But life's not a fairy tale -- there's going to be bumps in the road.  
That doesn't mean we're going off the road. Just makes the ride more  
interesting.

> I don't like the bumps. Actually, I'm fucking sick of them.

You've had more than your share of bumps lately, yeah.

> A smooth ride'd be good about now.

We'll see what we can do about that.

> > More nights like last night would be a good place to start.

Only with less clothes on your part.

> I can do that.

I'm looking forward to it. :-)

> > > Yeah. Half the time I don't know which one of you I should be missing.

> > I'm right here, Angel. Just have to reach out and touch me.

> Hey, that might have worked when you were actually *in* the computer,  
but today... I'd have to come back to the hotel to touch you.

Okay, you have to reach really far, but still. I'm here to be touched.

> Not that I wouldn't do that.

I'll be here when you get back. You can touch me then.

> > > You don't have to if you don't want to. Deal with the skirts and  
things, I mean.

> > I'm sure I'll want to experiment when I get more comfortable in this  
skin.

Have to work with what I've got after all.

> Yeah, but high heels look really uncomfortable.

I never said anything about heels.

Though, have to admit they used to make Cordelia's legs look really...

Okay, that's a bit disturbing, knowing that they're *my* legs now.

> > > Is it too weird to say you look good? If I do, does it sound like I'm  
complimenting somebody else?

> > It's not weird. Does feel a bit like I should be passing on the compliments to  
Cordelia, since I haven't actually done anything yet other than just  
go with what the body looked like when I got it.

> You don't need to do anything special. Just be you. Be comfortable.  
That's what matters.

That's what I mean -- haven't been in this body long enough to figure out  
exactly what is the most comfortable for me.

> > That's what I like to see. You flirting with me.

> It's a little weird. I mean, it feels different. Not different in a bad way.

If there were any things of Cordy's you didn't like, we could play  
around with them a little. You could put them on and then I could, you  
know, rip them off you.

That could be fun.

Now you're getting into the spirit of the thing. ;-)

> > > They say people are, you know... adaptable. Guess you're going a long  
way to prove that right.

> > I'm thinking a certain amount of feeling comfortable in this skin was part of  
the whole getting this body magic in the first place. So I don't know  
how much adaptability on my part counts in this.

> Maybe. Still, doesn't hurt to give yourself some credit, does it?

Well if you insist...

> > I'm okay, Angel. Maybe I should be freaking out or something, but I'm  
not. Not yet at least.

The weirdest bit so far has been taking a shower. I felt... kinda like  
a voyeur or something. Not quite used to thinking of this body as mine yet.

> I'm pretty sure I can help you with that part. Getting used to it  
feeling like yours, I mean. 

This involve ripping clothes off me? ;-)

> > > > Like the aforementioned purple dye.

> > > Seriously not going to happen.

> > You keep talking like that I might just have to do it to be contrary.

> If I start suspecting you're serious, I might have to tie you up at  
night so I can get some sleep without worrying what you're up to.

Ripping clothes off and now bondage... I can see I have an interesting sex life ahead of me.

> > > Oh, we've got Cordy's old apartment back. Turns out it's been empty  
since we moved her stuff out -- I guess someone tried to move in and  
Dennis made things interesting for him real fast. Since then they  
haven't been able to rent it. So it's there. It's ours. Um, yours. If  
you want it. I mean, we should do something with it. Maybe you'd  
rather stay there than at the hotel? I'd get that.

> > I don't know. I'll have to think about it. It might be good to have a place of  
my own... but at the same time, last night with you was wonderful. I'd  
like more like that.

> It's totally up to you. If you want some space, I can respect that.

I'll have to give it some thought. It's all too new at the moment still.

> > But at the very least, I want to go, talk to Dennis. Tell him what happened.  
That Cordelia's okay, but that she's not going to be back. And the  
whole body switching thing.

He deserves to know.

> Yeah, you're right.

Which brings up in my mind what you said about Wesley last night -- you asked if making him forget was the right thing.

Does that mean you're considering telling him the truth?

> > > Can't stop thinking about you.

> > So share some of the thoughts.

> Well, it's probably that hopeless romantic thing again, but really I  
just want to come back to the hotel, walk in the front door, and hold  
you. For a couple of hours maybe. Just breathe in your scent, feel you  
warm against me, listen to your heart beating and know you're really  
there.

You certainly know how to put a smile on my face. I'd like that a lot.

> You want to do anything special tonight? Let me know.

Well that sounds like a good start. Then maybe I can find something you can rip off me. ;-)

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > Like last night. You enjoyed that didn't you?

> > Are you kidding? Did I give you some reason to think I didn't?

> My point is that you let go of control enough to do what we did. And nothing bad  
happened.

Oh.

Okay, I get that. Just... you know that 'enough' is kind of the key word there, right?

> > I just want stuff to be right for you. There's nothing wrong with that.

> Not at the expense of yourself though.

But that's the whole point. That's what atonement means.

> > > > Well, you're going to, if it kills me. Um... not literally. But I want  
you to be happy.

> > > Thank you. That means a lot. Really.

> > Well, it's true.

> How about we try and work on making us both happy?

I'm a focused kind of guy -- it's hard for me to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. So this might be one of the things I need your help with. Especially since it seems pretty impossible, from where I'm sitting.

> > > You hold on too tight to control, that's when you're most likely to  
slip y'know.

> > There are some things I need to be in control of. Not really any other  
options.

> How you deal with me shouldn't be one of those things. I want you to be able to  
be relaxed and open with me, not worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing.

But I don't want to hurt you.

That's pretty much the main thing I'm concentrating on right now actually.

> > > > And not just because of the purple hair threat. I'm not that deep a  
sleeper -- you'd never get away with it.

> > > Oh, believe me I have my ways.

> > And believe *me,* if -- and that's a really big if -- you were able to  
manage something like that, I'd find a way to get you back.

> Yeah, but I used to have green spiky skin.

Purple hair isn't even a blip on my radar.

Oh, I wouldn't give you purple hair.

> > Please tell me that's not the only reason you did. Because that's... I  
mean, don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you would, that I'd even  
be a reason to come back, but... I don't want to think that you did it  
for me. Like it was some kind of sacrifice.

> It wasn't a sacrifice. I love you -- I didn't want you to be alone.

Thanks.

Love you too.

> > > But life's not a fairy tale -- there's going to be bumps in the road. That  
doesn't mean we're going off the road. Just makes the ride more  
interesting.

> > I don't like the bumps. Actually, I'm fucking sick of them. 

> You've had more than your share of bumps lately, yeah.

> > A smooth ride'd be good about now.

> We'll see what we can do about that.

Even just, you know, nothing else bad happening for a couple of months would be good. Just long enough to kind of get my balance back.

Um, not that I expect you to keep bad stuff from happening.

> > > More nights like last night would be a good place to start.

Only with less clothes on your part.

> > I can do that.

> I'm looking forward to it. :-)

Me too.

> > > I'm right here, Angel. Just have to reach out and touch me.

> > Hey, that might have worked when you were actually *in* the computer,  
but today... I'd have to come back to the hotel to touch you.

> Okay, you have to reach really far, but still. I'm here to be touched.

> > Not that I wouldn't do that.

> I'll be here when you get back. You can touch me then.

Good, because I really, really want to.

> > > Have to work with what I've got after all.

> > Yeah, but high heels look really uncomfortable.

> I never said anything about heels.

Though, have to admit they used to make Cordelia's legs look really...

Okay, that's a bit disturbing, knowing that they're *my* legs now.

Yeah. Um, not about the disturbing thing, though I'm sure it is. I mean, they did make her... they DO make YOUR legs look good. Long and curvy.

> > You don't need to do anything special. Just be you. Be comfortable.  
That's what matters.

> That's what I mean -- haven't been in this body long enough to figure out  
exactly what is the most comfortable for me.

You've got time. No one says you have to be completely comfortable by Friday, or by next month, or in three months. It'll happen gradually.

> > If there were any things of Cordy's you didn't like, we could play  
around with them a little. You could put them on and then I could, you  
know, rip them off you.

That could be fun.

> Now you're getting into the spirit of the thing. ;-)

Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I could rip it off you.

> > > The weirdest bit so far has been taking a shower. I felt... kinda like  
a voyeur or something. Not quite used to thinking of this body as mine yet.

> > I'm pretty sure I can help you with that part. Getting used to it  
feeling like yours, I mean.

> This involve ripping clothes off me? ;-)

Actually I was more thinking about the kind of stuff I'd do AFTER the clothes were off.

> > If I start suspecting you're serious, I might have to tie you up at  
night so I can get some sleep without worrying what you're up to.

> Ripping clothes off and now bondage... I can see I have an interesting sex life  
ahead of me.

Does it? Um, sound interesting?

Is 'interesting' another way of saying maybe you're not so sure you like the idea?

> > It's totally up to you. If you want some space, I can respect that.

> I'll have to give it some thought. It's all too new at the moment still.

I get that. Take your time.

> > > But at the very least, I want to go, talk to Dennis. Tell him what happened.  
That Cordelia's okay, but that she's not going to be back. And the whole body  
switching thing.

He deserves to know.

> > Yeah, you're right.

> Which brings up in my mind what you said about Wesley last night -- you asked if  
making him forget was the right thing.

Does that mean you're considering telling him the truth?

Maybe?

Fuck.

I don't know. I guess that's one of those things I'M gonna need to think about. What if telling him, you know, compromised... you know who's safety somehow? I mean, should I even be putting his name in down in type? I don't know enough about any of it.

But I can't say there's not this nagging feeling that it's -- the thing about Wes, I mean -- something I need to fix.

> > Well, it's probably that hopeless romantic thing again, but really I  
just want to come back to the hotel, walk in the front door, and hold  
you. For a couple of hours maybe. Just breathe in your scent, feel you  
warm against me, listen to your heart beating and know you're really  
there.

> You certainly know how to put a smile on my face. I'd like that a lot.

Does it sound bad if I say that I just want somewhere to be that feels, you know... safe? I want you to put your arms around me and tell me it's gonna stop hurting. Even if it's a lie.

\- Angel


	16. Chapter 16

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > It's all a bit weird, but weirdness has been my life's catchword for  
years now.

> I think we've all had to deal with that, though perhaps not to the  
extremes that you have. It's good that you're so circumspect about the  
whole thing.

I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction when I found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time.

> > > > Cordelia offered me pretty much the most personal gift that it was  
possible to offer. Couldn't very well refuse it, could I?

> > > You certainly could have refused it.

> > No, I don't think I could've.

> Why not? Because of the visions?

I didn't even think of the visions.

What Cordelia was offering, was asking, was for me to take care of everyone for her.

Especially Angel and you.

> > But really, it wasn't much of a choice. This was the only way I could stay and  
be there for Angel. If I'd chosen otherwise... I don't even want to think about  
what would've happened to him.

> Oh, yes. I understand.

He's very lucky to have you.

I'm lucky to have him too.

> > And you looked like you could use a friend too.

> I assure you, I would have been...

I...

Thank you. I'd like to say that I'd have been fine, that I know that  
Angel and I would have worked things out between us, but I don't know  
that that's true. In any case, I'm glad you made the choice that you  
did. For my sake, as well as his.

It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's you, your relationship with life.

> Those aren't easy things for me to admit.

I know. I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me like this.

Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen.

> > Name the night and I'll make sure I'm free.

> Perhaps you should give yourself a bit more time to settle in?

I suppose I don't feel right taking you away from Angel. Er, not that I  
could in *that* sense. But the two of you must want to spend a great  
deal of time together currently, and I wouldn't want to interrupt that.

Well tonight's kinda booked, yeah. But other than that...

Angel can spare me for a few hours.

Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks and talk, but we could do the talk at least.

> > Wesley, don't be shouldering any blame for this. It isn't yours to take. You  
couldn't bring Cordelia back -- her place isn't here any more.

And I'm not complaining on my part -- who knows if I would have gotten this  
chance if you hadn't done what you did?

So thank you for that.

> You're welcome. And you're right, of course, about Cordelia's place  
being elsewhere. Still, I would have liked to have been able to get you  
your own body back, rather than have you needing to make this  
incredible adjustment.

Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to do that.

It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley.

> > I enclosed at the end all the information I had about where she was last living,  
and working. You might have better luck tracing her through her work  
\-- I don't know if Harry would've stayed in LA after...

Or maybe I'm overestimating what my dying would have meant to her.

> No, I'm certain you're not. I know what it did to Angel and to Cordelia  
\-- I'm sure Harry would have been similarly affected.

Yeah, I guess. Harry and I, we were really good together, y'know? Until the whole demon thing and then I did a real good job at destroying the relationship.

> I'll let you know as soon as we find anything.

Thanks.

> > Y'sure? Last night was probably just as rough on you as it was on me  
\-- if not more so.

> I didn't want to let any of you down, and it's unfortunate that I did  
despite my best efforts. But I'm, as you say, coping.

Need to talk about it?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > I think we've all had to deal with that, though perhaps not to the  
extremes that you have. It's good that you're so circumspect about the  
whole thing.

> I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction when I  
found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time.

Good idea.

> > > > You certainly could have refused it.

> > > No, I don't think I could've.

> > Why not? Because of the visions?

> I didn't even think of the visions.

What Cordelia was offering, was asking, was for me to take care of everyone for  
her.

Especially Angel and you.

I'd hope I didn't factor into the decision. But I won't say that I think Angel couldn't use some looking after. I am aware that all of this has been very hard on him... losing Darla... and my involvement in what happened.

> > He's very lucky to have you.

> I'm lucky to have him too.

I didn't mean to imply otherwise. You're both very fortunate, and I'm... happy for both of you.

How were things last night?

> > Thank you. I'd like to say that I'd have been fine, that I know that  
Angel and I would have worked things out between us, but I don't know  
that that's true. In any case, I'm glad you made the choice that you  
did. For my sake, as well as his.

> It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's you, your  
relationship with life.

I'm fine.

> > Those aren't easy things for me to admit.

> I know. I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me like this.

Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen.

Thank you.

No wonder Angel and Cordelia were so fond of you. Er, *are* so fond of you.

> > I suppose I don't feel right taking you away from Angel. Er, not that I  
could in *that* sense. But the two of you must want to spend a great  
deal of time together currently, and I wouldn't want to interrupt that.

> Well tonight's kinda booked, yeah. But other than that...

Angel can spare me for a few hours.

Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks and talk,  
but we could do the talk at least.

Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much? We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food.

> > > And I'm not complaining on my part -- who knows if I would have gotten  
this chance if you hadn't done what you did?

So thank you for that.

> > You're welcome. And you're right, of course, about Cordelia's place  
being elsewhere. Still, I would have liked to have been able to get you  
your own body back, rather than have you needing to make this  
incredible adjustment.

> Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to do that.

It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley.

Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel needed you. I felt I owed him that much.

> > > Or maybe I'm overestimating what my dying would have meant to her.

> > No, I'm certain you're not. I know what it did to Angel and to Cordelia  
\-- I'm sure Harry would have been similarly affected.

> Yeah, I guess. Harry and I, we were really good together, y'know? Until the  
whole demon thing and then I did a real good job at destroying the relationship.

That makes it sound as if she handled the situation better than you did.

I've her contact information here -- address, phone number, email address -- and I'm including it at the end of this email. She's still in California, though a bit north of L.A.

Doyle... I don't want you to go into this unprepared. She's gotten remarried. And she and her husband had a baby last year.

I hope that doesn't upset you. I'm sorry to have to give you what could potentially be bad news.

> > > Y'sure? Last night was probably just as rough on you as it was on me  
\-- if not more so.

> > I didn't want to let any of you down, and it's unfortunate that I did  
despite my best efforts. But I'm, as you say, coping.

> Need to talk about it?

No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but otherwise all right.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > My point is that you let go of control enough to do what we did. And  
nothing bad happened.

> Oh.

Okay, I get that. Just... you know that 'enough' is kind of the key  
word there, right?

That's my point. You hold on too tightly to control sometimes. It doesn't hurt to loosen up and let yourself go with the flow a bit.

> > > I just want stuff to be right for you. There's nothing wrong with that.

> > Not at the expense of yourself though.

> But that's the whole point. That's what atonement means.

Hate to break it to you man but I'm not your atonement. I'm your lover. Ya gotta keep that straight.

> > How about we try and work on making us both happy?

> I'm a focused kind of guy -- it's hard for me to concentrate on more  
than one thing at a time. So this might be one of the things I need  
your help with. Especially since it seems pretty impossible, from where  
I'm sitting.

What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too? Really happy -- not just faking happy.

> > > There are some things I need to be in control of. Not really any other options.

> > How you deal with me shouldn't be one of those things. I want you to  
be able to be relaxed and open with me, not worrying about saying or doing the  
wrong thing.

> But I don't want to hurt you.

I know. Doesn't mean it might not happen occasionally. Neither of us are perfect.

And that's okay.

Really, Angel, it is.

> That's pretty much the main thing I'm concentrating on right now actually.

Y'know, if that's all you're thinking about, it's more likely that something's going to slip. Because it's going to be in your brain already.

> > > And believe *me,* if -- and that's a really big if -- you were able to  
manage something like that, I'd find a way to get you back.

> > Yeah, but I used to have green spiky skin.

Purple hair isn't even a blip on my radar.

> Oh, I wouldn't give you purple hair.

So what would you do?

> > > Please tell me that's not the only reason you did. Because that's... I  
mean, don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you would, that I'd even  
be a reason to come back, but... I don't want to think that you did it  
for me. Like it was some kind of sacrifice.

> > It wasn't a sacrifice. I love you -- I didn't want you to be alone.

> Thanks.

Love you too.

Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled every time you say that.

> > > A smooth ride'd be good about now.

> > We'll see what we can do about that.

> Even just, you know, nothing else bad happening for a couple of months  
would be good. Just long enough to kind of get my balance back.

Um, not that I expect you to keep bad stuff from happening.

Yeah, can't stop bad stuff from happening -- usually at least. But I can promise I'll be here to help you deal with it if it does happen.

> > > > More nights like last night would be a good place to start.

Only with less clothes on your part.

> > > I can do that.

> > I'm looking forward to it. :-)

> Me too.

Maybe I should rip some clothes off you.

Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had before... Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or a knife.

Just for the clothes mind you.

> > > Not that I wouldn't do that.

> > I'll be here when you get back. You can touch me then.

> Good, because I really, really want to.

Funny how that works because I really, really want you to.

> > > Yeah, but high heels look really uncomfortable.

> > I never said anything about heels.

Though, have to admit they used to make Cordelia's legs look really...

Okay, that's a bit disturbing, knowing that they're *my* legs now.

> Yeah. Um, not about the disturbing thing, though I'm sure it is. I  
mean, they did make her... they DO make YOUR legs look good. Long and  
curvy.

Gotta say, if I had to come back in a woman's body, least I got the equivalent of a  
Lamborghini.

> > That's what I mean -- haven't been in this body long enough to figure  
out exactly what is the most comfortable for me.

> You've got time. No one says you have to be completely comfortable by  
Friday, or by next month, or in three months. It'll happen gradually.

Guess so.

Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to the whole female thing.

> > > If there were any things of Cordy's you didn't like, we could play  
around with them a little. You could put them on and then I could, you  
know, rip them off you.

That could be fun.

> > Now you're getting into the spirit of the thing. ;-)

> Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I  
could rip it off you.

I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours.

> > > > The weirdest bit so far has been taking a shower. I felt... kinda like  
a voyeur or something. Not quite used to thinking of this body as mine yet.

> > > I'm pretty sure I can help you with that part. Getting used to it  
feeling like yours, I mean.

> > This involving ripping clothes off me? ;-)

> Actually I was more thinking about the kind of stuff I'd do AFTER the  
clothes were off.

And what exactly would that stuff include?

Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal.

> > Ripping clothes off and now bondage... I can see I have an interesting  
sex life ahead of me.

> Does it? Um, sound interesting?

It does.

> Is 'interesting' another way of saying maybe you're not so sure you  
like the idea?

No. If I wasn't so sure I liked the idea I would say, "Angel, not so sure I like that idea."

> > Which brings up in my mind what you said about Wesley last night --  
you asked if making him forget was the right thing.

Does that mean you're considering telling him the truth?

> Maybe?

Fuck.

I don't know. I guess that's one of those things I'M gonna need to  
think about. What if telling him, you know, compromised... you know  
who's safety somehow? I mean, should I even be putting his name in down  
in type? I don't know enough about any of it.

Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me and nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore.

And Wesley went out of his way before to try and keep Connor safe. Yeah he failed, but I think that hurts him almost as much as it does you.

Hurts him enough that even with his memory wiped, he's still hurting.

> But I can't say there's not this nagging feeling that it's -- the thing  
about Wes, I mean -- something I need to fix.

It might be.

> > > Well, it's probably that hopeless romantic thing again, but really I  
just want to come back to the hotel, walk in the front door, and hold  
you. For a couple of hours maybe. Just breathe in your scent, feel you  
warm against me, listen to your heart beating and know you're really  
there.

> > You certainly know how to put a smile on my face. I'd like that a lot.

> Does it sound bad if I say that I just want somewhere to be that feels,  
you know... safe? I want you to put your arms around me and tell me  
it's gonna stop hurting. Even if it's a lie.

It is going to stop hurting Angel. And I'm going to do everything in my power for it not to be a lie.

I promise.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > Okay, I get that. Just... you know that 'enough' is kind of the key  
word there, right?

> That's my point. You hold on too tightly to control sometimes. It doesn't hurt  
to loosen up and let yourself go with the flow a bit.

And that's MY point. I can let go some, just not a lot.

Maybe not enough to make you happy.

> > > Not at the expense of yourself though.

> > But that's the whole point. That's what atonement means.

> Hate to break it to you man but I'm not your atonement. I'm your lover. Ya gotta  
keep that straight.

Yeah, I know.

But atonement means I don't deserve certain things, and being really happy, that's one of them.

> > > How about we try and work on making us both happy?

> > I'm a focused kind of guy -- it's hard for me to concentrate on more  
than one thing at a time. So this might be one of the things I need  
your help with. Especially since it seems pretty impossible, from where  
I'm sitting.

> What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too? Really  
happy -- not just faking happy.

Then I'd say you're with the wrong guy.

> > But I don't want to hurt you.

> I know. Doesn't mean it might not happen occasionally. Neither of us are  
perfect.

And that's okay.

Really, Angel, it is.

I know.

But again, not big on hurting you. Gonna do everything I can to make sure I don't.

> > That's pretty much the main thing I'm concentrating on right now  
actually.

> Y'know, if that's all you're thinking about, it's more likely that something's  
going to slip. Because it's going to be in your brain already.

I don't know what you expect me to say. That I'll just stop worrying about how to take care of you? That's not going to happen.

> > > Purple hair isn't even a blip on my radar.

> > Oh, I wouldn't give you purple hair.

> So what would you do?

Huh.

See, I was gonna say I'd shave OFF all your hair, but then... Cordy's hair. You know?

I think she'd kill me.

> > > It wasn't a sacrifice. I love you -- I didn't want you to be alone.

> > Thanks.

Love you too.

> Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled every time  
you say that.

Does that mean I should be saying it more often? Because I can do that.

I love you.

> > Even just, you know, nothing else bad happening for a couple of months  
would be good. Just long enough to kind of get my balance back.

Um, not that I expect you to keep bad stuff from happening.

> Yeah, can't stop bad stuff from happening -- usually at least. But I can promise  
I'll be here to help you deal with it if it does happen.

Thanks.

You know I don't deserve you, right?

> Maybe I should rip some clothes off you.

Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had before...  
Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or a knife.

Just for the clothes mind you.

Don't forget... vampire. Something sharp isn't necessarily bad.

If you wanted to cut my clothes off or whatever, I'd let you.

> > > I never said anything about heels.

Though, have to admit they used to make Cordelia's legs look really...

Okay, that's a bit disturbing, knowing that they're *my* legs now.

> > Yeah. Um, not about the disturbing thing, though I'm sure it is. I  
mean, they did make her... they DO make YOUR legs look good. Long and  
curvy.

> Gotta say, if I had to come back in a woman's body, least I got the equivalent  
of a Lamborghini.

Oh yeah.

Not that I wouldn't have loved you -- wanted you -- just as much in your own body. Um, your original body. You know.

> > You've got time. No one says you have to be completely comfortable by  
Friday, or by next month, or in three months. It'll happen gradually.

> Guess so.

Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after  
the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to the whole  
female thing.

Yeah. I mean, no, you didn't mention it, but Wes did.

Don't worry, he'll find her.

You don't think it'd be... weird? Talking to her about it, when she's your ex and all, I mean. You must still have feelings for her.

> > Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I  
could rip it off you.

> I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours.

Hey! It was just a suggestion.

> > > > I'm pretty sure I can help you with that part. Getting used to it  
feeling like yours, I mean.

> > > This involving ripping clothes off me? ;-)

> > Actually I was more thinking about the kind of stuff I'd do AFTER the  
clothes were off.

> And what exactly would that stuff include?

Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal.

I was thinking I'd like to strip you naked and tie your wrists together -- not too tight, just enough so that you wouldn't forget you were restrained, you know? And then take off all my clothes, real slow, let you see how turned on I get just looking at you.

Then I wouldn't touch you until you asked me to. You'd have to be real specific, tell me exactly where you wanted to be touched, and how, before I'd do it.

I figure that'd help you get used to your new body and what it wants.

> > Maybe?

Fuck.

I don't know. I guess that's one of those things I'M gonna need to  
think about. What if telling him, you know, compromised... you know  
who's safety somehow? I mean, should I even be putting his name in down  
in type? I don't know enough about any of it.

> Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me and  
nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore.

I know. Thanks. That means a lot.

And yeah, you're right about writing his name, probably. Sometimes I get a little fixated. I know I did the right thing, for him, for Connor. I'm so convinced it was the right thing that I worry about it going wrong somehow.

> And Wesley went out of his way before to try and keep Connor safe. Yeah he  
failed, but I think that hurts him almost as much as it does you.

Hurts him enough that even with his memory wiped, he's still hurting.

Yeah.

I know.

> > Does it sound bad if I say that I just want somewhere to be that feels,  
you know... safe? I want you to put your arms around me and tell me  
it's gonna stop hurting. Even if it's a lie.

> It is going to stop hurting Angel. And I'm going to do everything in my power  
for it not to be a lie.

I promise.

God, I just want to come back there right now.

I've got a meeting in like twenty minutes though, and then another one in a couple of hours.

You'll be there when I get back though. Right?

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > > I think we've all had to deal with that, though perhaps not to the  
extremes that you have. It's good that you're so circumspect about the  
whole thing.

> > I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction  
when I found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time.

> Good idea.

I thought so. The self destruct reaction didn't work so well last time. I was still half demon when all was said and done. Just ended up with migraines with pictures to go along with it. And a boatload of guilt for not helping some people when I could've.

> > > Why not? Because of the visions?

> > I didn't even think of the visions.

What Cordelia was offering, was asking, was for me to take care of  
everyone for her.

Especially Angel and you.

> I'd hope I didn't factor into the decision. But I won't say that I  
think Angel couldn't use some looking after. I am aware that all of  
this has been very hard on him... losing Darla... and my involvement in  
what happened.

You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing about hoping he wasn't part of my decision.

Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that.

> > > He's very lucky to have you.

> > I'm lucky to have him too.

> I didn't mean to imply otherwise. You're both very fortunate, and  
I'm... happy for both of you.

Thanks.

> How were things last night?

.... Educational.

> > It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's  
you, your relationship with life.

> I'm fine.

Are you? Really?

> > > Those aren't easy things for me to admit.

> > I know. I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me like this.

Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen.

> Thank you.

Hope you take me up on the offer.

> No wonder Angel and Cordelia were so fond of you. Er, *are* so fond of you.

S'okay. The whole what tense to use with the returned from the dead thing is almost as complicated as the whole what gender specified words to use for the dead guy coming back in a woman's body thing.

> > Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks  
and talk, but we could do the talk at least.

> Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much?  
We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who  
has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to  
occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food.

Yeah. Because he just sits and stares.

And tomorrow afternoon sounds great.

> > > You're welcome. And you're right, of course, about Cordelia's place  
being elsewhere. Still, I would have liked to have been able to get you  
your own body back, rather than have you needing to make this  
incredible adjustment.

> > Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to  
do that.

It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley.

> Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel  
needed you. I felt I owed him that much.

Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul.

> > Yeah, I guess. Harry and I, we were really good together, y'know?  
Until the whole demon thing and then I did a real good job at destroying the  
relationship.

> That makes it sound as if she handled the situation better than you did.

Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and getting engaged to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long story.) while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole.

Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia.

> I've her contact information here -- address, phone number, email  
address -- and I'm including it at the end of this email. She's still  
in California, though a bit north of L.A.

Doyle... I don't want you to go into this unprepared. She's gotten  
remarried. And she and her husband had a baby last year.

I hope that doesn't upset you. I'm sorry to have to give you what could  
potentially be bad news.

It doesn't. I wanted -- want -- her to be happy. And she always wanted -- we always wanted -- kids. I'm glad.

I mean, I'll always love Harry -- she was the first y'know? But I'm not *in* love with her anymore. We've both grown and changed and we're not right for each other anymore. And I'd be saying that even if I wasn't in a woman's body now.

So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon?

> > > I didn't want to let any of you down, and it's unfortunate that I did  
despite my best efforts. But I'm, as you say, coping.

> > Need to talk about it?

> No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion  
that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but  
otherwise all right.

It's not a delusion.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction  
when I found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time.

> > Good idea.

> I thought so. The self destruct reaction didn't work so well last time. I was  
still half demon when all was said and done. Just ended up with migraines with  
pictures to go along with it. And a boatload of guilt for not helping some  
people when I could've.

We've all done -- or not done -- things that we regret. The only thing we can do is try to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to do better in the future.

And it's good that you learned to accept yourself for who you are. I suppose there's a bit more of that to do now that things have changed for you again.

> > I'd hope I didn't factor into the decision. But I won't say that I  
think Angel couldn't use some looking after. I am aware that all of  
this has been very hard on him... losing Darla... and my involvement in  
what happened.

> You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing about  
hoping he wasn't part of my decision.

Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that.

I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit.

> > > I'm lucky to have him too.

> > I didn't mean to imply otherwise. You're both very fortunate, and  
I'm... happy for both of you.

> Thanks.

> > How were things last night?

> .... Educational.

If it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, educational in what ways?

> > > It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's  
you, your relationship with life.

> > I'm fine.

> Are you? Really?

Yes.

Maybe?

I suppose I'm envious of your relationship with Angel. Er... not of the fact that you and he are... I assume... becoming romantically involved. Just of the fact that things between you seem to be so comfortable, and I miss having that with him.

I do find myself admitting the most difficult things to you.

> > > Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen.

> > Thank you.

> Hope you take me up on the offer.

It's mostly that I've no idea what to say. Or how to say it.

> > No wonder Angel and Cordelia were so fond of you. Er, *are* so fond of you.

> S'okay. The whole what tense to use with the returned from the dead thing is  
almost as complicated as the whole what gender specified words to use for the  
dead guy coming back in a woman's body thing.

Indeed.

> > > Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks  
and talk, but we could do the talk at least.

> > Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much?  
We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who  
has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to  
occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food.

> Yeah. Because he just sits and stares.

And tomorrow afternoon sounds great.

I could pick you up at the hotel? At noon?

What do you like to eat? There's an excellent Indian restaurant not far from the Hyperion, if that might suit your tastes.

> > > Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to  
do that.

It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley.

> > Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel  
needed you. I felt I owed him that much.

> Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul.

Yes, well. Clearly we don't see eye to eye on this issue.

You don't know...

> > That makes it sound as if she handled the situation better than you did.

> Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and getting engaged  
to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long story.)  
while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the  
time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole.

Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia.

I'd like to hear that long story, and anything else you'd like to tell me.

You must miss Cordelia terribly. You and she were... well, I was under the impression that perhaps she had more than just friendly feelings for you when you died.

> > I've her contact information here -- address, phone number, email  
address -- and I'm including it at the end of this email. She's still  
in California, though a bit north of L.A.

Doyle... I don't want you to go into this unprepared. She's gotten  
remarried. And she and her husband had a baby last year.

I hope that doesn't upset you. I'm sorry to have to give you what could  
potentially be bad news.

> It doesn't. I wanted -- want -- her to be happy. And she always wanted -- we  
always wanted -- kids. I'm glad.

I mean, I'll always love Harry -- she was the first y'know? But I'm not *in*  
love with her anymore. We've both grown and changed and we're not right for each  
other anymore. And I'd be saying that even if I wasn't in a woman's body now.

So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon?

I'm afraid I don't know. If you'd like to have more details before contacting her, I can have someone get them for you. At this point only public records have been accessed, but there's no reason not to dig deeper, if you'd like to know.

> > No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion  
that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but  
otherwise all right.

> It's not a delusion.

I truly hope that you're right.

Would you feel it was a betrayal of his confidence if I were to ask you to tell me, candidly, how he feels about me?

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > That's my point. You hold on too tightly to control sometimes. It  
doesn't hurt to loosen up and let yourself go with the flow a bit.

> And that's MY point. I can let go some, just not a lot.

Maybe not enough to make you happy.

Dammit Angel this isn't about me. It's-

You don't like to see me hurt right? I don't like to see you hurting either. Not when I can do something about it. If you let me.

> > > > Not at the expense of yourself though.

> > > But that's the whole point. That's what atonement means.

> > Hate to break it to you man but I'm not your atonement. I'm your  
lover. Ya gotta keep that straight.

> Yeah, I know.

But atonement means I don't deserve certain things, and being really  
happy, that's one of them.

Okay, given the perfect happiness clause in your curse, I can see where you'd be a bit jumpy about letting yourself enjoy anything.

But really, Angel, given everything that's happened, everything you're carrying, do you really think you have to worry about being *too* happy?

> > What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too?  
Really happy -- not just faking happy.

> Then I'd say you're with the wrong guy.

Wrong answer. I'm going to get you happy if it kills me. Again.

> > > But I don't want to hurt you.

> > I know. Doesn't mean it might not happen occasionally. Neither of us  
are perfect.

And that's okay.

Really, Angel, it is.

> I know.

But again, not big on hurting you. Gonna do everything I can to make  
sure I don't.

That's fine. Actually I'm all for not getting hurt. Just remember I hurt when you're hurting and we should be fine.

> > > That's pretty much the main thing I'm concentrating on right now  
actually.

> > Y'know, if that's all you're thinking about, it's more likely that  
something's going to slip. Because it's going to be in your brain already.

> I don't know what you expect me to say. That I'll just stop worrying  
about how to take care of you? That's not going to happen.

Don't stop, just don't let it be the only thing you do. You've been doing a bang-up job of it so far.

> > > Oh, I wouldn't give you purple hair.

> > So what would you do?

> Huh.

See, I was gonna say I'd shave OFF all your hair, but then... Cordy's  
hair. You know?

I think she'd kill me.

It's nice to have a higher being on my side. :-D

> > > Love you too.

> > Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled  
every time you say that.

> Does that mean I should be saying it more often? Because I can do that.

I love you.

Now that's one thing I don't mind you saying as often as you want.

I love you too.

> > Yeah, can't stop bad stuff from happening -- usually at least. But I  
can promise I'll be here to help you deal with it if it does happen.

> Thanks.

You know I don't deserve you, right?

Tough. You're stuck with me anyway.

> > Maybe I should rip some clothes off you.

Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had  
before... Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or  
a knife.

Just for the clothes mind you.

> Don't forget... vampire. Something sharp isn't necessarily bad.

Not sure I'm quite up to that kind of game.

> If you wanted to cut my clothes off or whatever, I'd let you.

Just can't touch the hair, huh?

> > Gotta say, if I had to come back in a woman's body, least I got the  
equivalent of a Lamborghini.

> Oh yeah.

Not that I wouldn't have loved you -- wanted you -- just as much in  
your own body. Um, your original body. You know.

Yeah, I know.

There was this certain time in your office that I got to see exactly how much. Remember?

> > Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after  
the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to the whole  
female thing.

> Yeah. I mean, no, you didn't mention it, but Wes did.

Don't worry, he'll find her.

He has. She's in northern California. Married with a kid.

> You don't think it'd be... weird? Talking to her about it, when she's  
your ex and all, I mean. You must still have feelings for her.

Harry and me, lord knows we've talked through a lot of weird stuff. Well, she talked and I did the equivalent of putting my hands over my ears and yelling "I can't hear you!" real loud.

And yeah I still have feelings for her. I love her -- I always will.

But I'm not in love with her. That would be you.

> > > Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I  
could rip it off you.

> > I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours.

> Hey! It was just a suggestion.

Uh huh.

> > > Actually I was more thinking about the kind of stuff I'd do AFTER the  
clothes were off.

> > And what exactly would that stuff include?

Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal.

> I was thinking I'd like to strip you naked and tie your wrists together  
\-- not too tight, just enough so that you wouldn't forget you were  
restrained, you know? And then take off all my clothes, real slow, let  
you see how turned on I get just looking at you.

Then I wouldn't touch you until you asked me to. You'd have to be real  
specific, tell me exactly where you wanted to be touched, and how,  
before I'd do it.

I figure that'd help you get used to your new body and what it wants.

My new body wants the same thing my old body did -- you touching me as much and as intimately as possible.

Not that it wouldn't be fun to try.

I dunno about the asking, but the thought of you tying me up and doing things that make me... appreciate this body...

It's making me wriggle in my seat here.

Maybe tonight?

> > > I don't know. I guess that's one of those things I'M gonna need to  
think about. What if telling him, you know, compromised... you know  
who's safety somehow? I mean, should I even be putting his name in  
down in type? I don't know enough about any of it.

> > Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me  
and nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore.

> I know. Thanks. That means a lot.

Always will be here for you.

> And yeah, you're right about writing his name, probably. Sometimes I  
get a little fixated. I know I did the right thing, for him, for  
Connor. I'm so convinced it was the right thing that I worry about it  
going wrong somehow.

I get that. But it's not.

> > And Wesley went out of his way before to try and keep Connor safe.  
Yeah he failed, but I think that hurts him almost as much as it does you.

Hurts him enough that even with his memory wiped, he's still hurting.

> Yeah.

I know.

How do you feel about him? Wesley?

> > > Does it sound bad if I say that I just want somewhere to be that  
feels, you know... safe? I want you to put your arms around me and tell me  
it's gonna stop hurting. Even if it's a lie.

> > It is going to stop hurting Angel. And I'm going to do everything in  
my power for it not to be a lie.

I promise.

> God, I just want to come back there right now.

I've got a meeting in like twenty minutes though, and then another one  
in a couple of hours.

You'll be there when I get back though. Right?

I'll be here.

And after I hold you for a while you can tie me up, rip all my clothes off and  
have your wicked way with me.

;-)

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > And that's MY point. I can let go some, just not a lot.

Maybe not enough to make you happy.

> Dammit Angel this isn't about me. It's-

You don't like to see me hurt right? I don't like to see you hurting either. Not  
when I can do something about it. If you let me.

It's not that I don't want to try. Shit, I'd do anything if I thought it would make you happy. I just don't know if I can do this, and I don't want to say okay and then have it turn out I don't have what it takes. I don't want to disappoint you.

Does that make sense? I feel like I'm using the wrong words to try to explain.

Unless you want to chain me up and make all my decisions for me, I can't just give up control like that. I'm no good at letting other people be in charge.

> > But atonement means I don't deserve certain things, and being really  
happy, that's one of them.

> Okay, given the perfect happiness clause in your curse, I can see where you'd be  
a bit jumpy about letting yourself enjoy anything.

But really, Angel, given everything that's happened, everything you're carrying,  
do you really think you have to worry about being *too* happy?

No, but it doesn't matter whether or not I have to worry about it. I'm *not* worried about. It's not going to happen.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't let it happen. I'm just saying... I don't think that's the path that's been set out for me. There's stuff I've gotta do, and most of it isn't the kind of thing that ends with, you know, happy feelings.

> > > What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too?  
Really happy -- not just faking happy.

> > Then I'd say you're with the wrong guy.

> Wrong answer. I'm going to get you happy if it kills me. Again.

If you ever say that again, I'll... well I don't know what I'll do. Just don't say stuff like that.

Please. Okay?

I'll try.

> > But again, not big on hurting you. Gonna do everything I can to make  
sure I don't.

> That's fine. Actually I'm all for not getting hurt. Just remember I hurt when  
you're hurting and we should be fine.

God, Doyle, I just... I suck at this. Being with me is like a recipe for disaster.

> > I don't know what you expect me to say. That I'll just stop worrying  
about how to take care of you? That's not going to happen.

> Don't stop, just don't let it be the only thing you do. You've been doing a  
bang-up job of it so far.

I want you to be happy. No matter what that means. Don't forget that, okay?

> > > Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled  
every time you say that.

> > Does that mean I should be saying it more often? Because I can do that.

I love you.

> Now that's one thing I don't mind you saying as often as you want.

I love you too.

Scares the crap out of me.

> > You know I don't deserve you, right?

> Tough. You're stuck with me anyway.

I'm not saying I'm not grateful.

> > > Maybe I should rip some clothes off you.

Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had before...  
Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or  
a knife.

Just for the clothes mind you.

> > Don't forget... vampire. Something sharp isn't necessarily bad.

> Not sure I'm quite up to that kind of game.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I was mostly kidding.

> > If you wanted to cut my clothes off or whatever, I'd let you.

> Just can't touch the hair, huh?

Exactly.

> > Oh yeah.

Not that I wouldn't have loved you -- wanted you -- just as much in  
your own body. Um, your original body. You know.

> Yeah, I know.

There was this certain time in your office that I got to see exactly how much.  
Remember?

I remember. Not the kind of thing I'd forget.

> > > Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after  
the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to  
the whole female thing.

> > Yeah. I mean, no, you didn't mention it, but Wes did.

Don't worry, he'll find her.

> He has. She's in northern California. Married with a kid.

Oh, good.

I mean... are you okay with that?

> > You don't think it'd be... weird? Talking to her about it, when she's  
your ex and all, I mean. You must still have feelings for her.

> Harry and me, lord knows we've talked through a lot of weird stuff. Well, she  
talked and I did the equivalent of putting my hands over my ears and yelling "I  
can't hear you!" real loud.

And yeah I still have feelings for her. I love her -- I always will.

But I'm not in love with her. That would be you.

Yeah. I know.

> > > > Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I  
could rip it off you.

> > > I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours.

> > Hey! It was just a suggestion.

> Uh huh.

Bet you've got some kinks of your own.

> > > Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal.

> > I was thinking I'd like to strip you naked and tie your wrists together  
\-- not too tight, just enough so that you wouldn't forget you were  
restrained, you know? And then take off all my clothes, real slow, let  
you see how turned on I get just looking at you.

Then I wouldn't touch you until you asked me to. You'd have to be real  
specific, tell me exactly where you wanted to be touched, and how,  
before I'd do it.

I figure that'd help you get used to your new body and what it wants.

> My new body wants the same thing my old body did -- you touching me as much and  
as intimately as possible.

Not that it wouldn't be fun to try.

I dunno about the asking, but the thought of you tying me up and doing things  
that make me... appreciate this body...

It's making me wriggle in my seat here.

Maybe tonight?

Anything you want.

Um, other than the me with purple hair thing.

> > > Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me  
and nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore.

> > I know. Thanks. That means a lot.

> Always will be here for you.

You saying stuff like that's the only thing that makes me doubt your common sense.

But still... thanks.

> > And yeah, you're right about writing his name, probably. Sometimes I  
get a little fixated. I know I did the right thing, for him, for  
Connor. I'm so convinced it was the right thing that I worry about it  
going wrong somehow.

> I get that. But it's not.

I hope you're right.

> How do you feel about him? Wesley?

You have a week?

God. Mainly guilty. Guilty for, you know, trying to kill him.

And still mad about Connor. And then guilty that I'm mad about something that he doesn't even remember. Like, it's not fair to be mad at him for that, when I'm the one who made sure he wasn't going to know it had ever happened. I know he's got some weird twisted-up replacement memories about Darla or something, but I don't even know what they are, and I think... I think he thinks Angelus is the one that killed Lilah. I think Lilah made sure that he'd think that. But he didn't. I didn't. Kill Lilah, I mean. She was already dead when...

Fuck.

One more meeting today, and then I'm gonna go find something to hit before I come home or I'm not gonna be much fun to be around.

> > You'll be there when I get back though. Right?

> I'll be here.

And after I hold you for a while you can tie me up, rip all my clothes off and  
have your wicked way with me.

I just want to forget, sometimes. You know?

I'll see you in a couple of hours, max.

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > I thought so. The self destruct reaction didn't work so well last time. I was  
still half demon when all was said and done. Just ended up with migraines with  
pictures to go along with it. And a boatload of guilt for not helping some  
people when I could've.

> We've all done -- or not done -- things that we regret. The only thing  
we can do is try to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to do better  
in the future.

Good advice.

> And it's good that you learned to accept yourself for who you are. I  
suppose there's a bit more of that to do now that things have changed  
for you again.

Yeah. Things are easier the second time around though.

> > You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing  
about hoping he wasn't part of my decision.

Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that.

> I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit.

You are. You're a little less annoyingly stubborn than him though.

> > > How were things last night?

> > .... Educational.

> If it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, educational in what ways?

In how... certain reactions and actions are different in a female body than a male's.

> > > I'm fine.

> > Are you? Really?

> Yes.

Maybe?

I suppose I'm envious of your relationship with Angel. Er... not of the  
fact that you and he are... I assume... becoming romantically involved.  
Just of the fact that things between you seem to be so comfortable, and  
I miss having that with him.

Yeah, I get that. We'll see what we can do to get you two back to being comfortable with each other.

> I do find myself admitting the most difficult things to you.

I'm glad you feel like you can.

> > > > Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen.

> > > Thank you.

> > Hope you take me up on the offer.

> It's mostly that I've no idea what to say. Or how to say it.

Just, whatever is in your mind. Whatever words that pop in there. We can sort it out, once it's in the open.

> > S'okay. The whole what tense to use with the returned from the dead thing is  
almost as complicated as the whole what gender specified words to use  
for the dead guy coming back in a woman's body thing.

> Indeed.

In my head, I'm still "he". Don't know if that's going to change.

> > > Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much?  
We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who  
has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to  
occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food.

> > Yeah. Because he just sits and stares.

And tomorrow afternoon sounds great.

> I could pick you up at the hotel? At noon?

Sounds good.

> What do you like to eat? There's an excellent Indian restaurant not far  
from the Hyperion, if that might suit your tastes.

It used to. Still trying to work out if my old tastes hold or if I got Cordelia's tastes now.

You can help me experiment.

> > > Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel  
needed you. I felt I owed him that much.

> > Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul.

> Yes, well. Clearly we don't see eye to eye on this issue.

You don't know...

I know more than you might think.

> > Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and  
getting engaged to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long  
story.) while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the  
time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole.

Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia.

> I'd like to hear that long story, and anything else you'd like to tell me.

I can regale you with the whole sorry tale over lunch tomorrow.

> You must miss Cordelia terribly. You and she were... well, I was under  
the impression that perhaps she had more than just friendly feelings  
for you when you died.

I do miss her. She was... well special.

We never really got beyond friends -- we'd just made our first date when I...

> > It doesn't. I wanted -- want -- her to be happy. And she always wanted  
\-- we always wanted -- kids. I'm glad.

I mean, I'll always love Harry -- she was the first y'know? But I'm  
not *in* love with her anymore. We've both grown and changed and we're not  
right for each other anymore. And I'd be saying that even if I wasn't in a woman's  
body now.

So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon?

> I'm afraid I don't know. If you'd like to have more details before  
contacting her, I can have someone get them for you. At this point only  
public records have been accessed, but there's no reason not to dig  
deeper, if you'd like to know.

No, that's okay. Gives me something else I can ask her when I get up the nerve  
to contact her.

> > > No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion  
that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but  
otherwise all right.

> > It's not a delusion.

> I truly hope that you're right.

I am.

> Would you feel it was a betrayal of his confidence if I were to ask you  
to tell me, candidly, how he feels about me?

No it wouldn't. Let me gather some data and I'll answer the question for you.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > We've all done -- or not done -- things that we regret. The only thing  
we can do is try to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to do better  
in the future.

> Good advice.

Yes, I'm rather good at dispensing it, as you can see. Taking it myself is another matter entirely.

> > And it's good that you learned to accept yourself for who you are. I  
suppose there's a bit more of that to do now that things have changed  
for you again.

> Yeah. Things are easier the second time around though.

Good. I'm glad you're handling this so well. I don't believe I would be, were I in your shoes.

> > > You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing  
about hoping he wasn't part of my decision.

Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that.

> > I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit.

> You are. You're a little less annoyingly stubborn than him though.

Was that a compliment?

> > > > How were things last night?

> > > .... Educational.

> > If it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, educational in what ways?

> In how... certain reactions and actions are different in a female body than a male's.

*Oh.*

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I certainly don't expect you to share... personal, private things of that nature.

I apologize.

> > I suppose I'm envious of your relationship with Angel. Er... not of the  
fact that you and he are... I assume... becoming romantically involved.  
Just of the fact that things between you seem to be so comfortable, and  
I miss having that with him.

> Yeah, I get that. We'll see what we can do to get you two back to being  
comfortable with each other.

From where I'm standing, your help so far has been instrumental, and I'd be grateful for any further assistance. It's more important to me than I'd like to admit, that Angel and I repair this rift between us.

> > I do find myself admitting the most difficult things to you.

> I'm glad you feel like you can.

You're very easy to talk to.

> Just, whatever is in your mind. Whatever words that pop in there. We can sort it  
out, once it's in the open.

I'm tired of feeling guilty and not completely understanding why.

Is that open enough for you?

> In my head, I'm still "he". Don't know if that's going to change.

It doesn't have to. People who care about you will make the effort to understand.

> > > And tomorrow afternoon sounds great.

> > I could pick you up at the hotel? At noon?

> Sounds good.

Excellent.

> > What do you like to eat? There's an excellent Indian restaurant not far  
from the Hyperion, if that might suit your tastes.

> It used to. Still trying to work out if my old tastes hold or if I got  
Cordelia's tastes now.

You can help me experiment.

Oh, I hadn't thought about that. Have you discovered anything so far? Things that you used to like that you no longer seem to care for, that sort of thing?

Cordelia liked the biryani, either chicken or vegetable. She wasn't fond of lamb.

> > > Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul.

> > Yes, well. Clearly we don't see eye to eye on this issue.

You don't know...

> I know more than you might think.

Oh. Angel's been telling you his side of the story, has he? I'd like to think that it didn't differ too much from my version, as I did try to be as fair as possible.

> > > Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and getting engaged  
to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long story.)  
while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the  
time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole.

Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia.

> > I'd like to hear that long story, and anything else you'd like to tell me.

> I can regale you with the whole sorry tale over lunch tomorrow.

You needn't, if you'd prefer not to. We can talk about anything you like.

> > You must miss Cordelia terribly. You and she were... well, I was under  
the impression that perhaps she had more than just friendly feelings  
for you when you died.

> I do miss her. She was... well special.

We never really got beyond friends -- we'd just made our first date when I...

I'm sorry.

If you want to change the subject at any time, I completely understand.

> > > So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon?

> > I'm afraid I don't know. If you'd like to have more details before  
contacting her, I can have someone get them for you. At this point only  
public records have been accessed, but there's no reason not to dig  
deeper, if you'd like to know.

> No, that's okay. Gives me something else I can ask her when I get up the nerve  
to contact her.

You haven't contacted her yet?

Not that you should do so until you're ready, of course. It must be rather intimidating.

> > Would you feel it was a betrayal of his confidence if I were to ask you  
to tell me, candidly, how he feels about me?

> No it wouldn't. Let me gather some data and I'll answer the question for you.

Thank you. It would be reassuring to know, assuming, of course, there's anything reassuring about his feelings.

\- Wesley


	17. Chapter 17

Angel climbed the stairs from the basement slowly. His split cheekbone was still oozing blood, even though he'd put a lot of pressure on it during his walk back to the Hyperion, and his knuckles ached. Thought he might have cracked a rib or two, maybe. At least he'd heal up quick.

The lobby was quiet, so Angel took advantage of Doyle's absence there to make a detour into the office and grab some blood out of the fridge. It was pig -- he kept meaning to bring some of the good stuff to the hotel, but never quite got around to it. He slugged it down cold, then did his best to rinse his mouth out with a couple of swallows of bottled water.

He went up to the suite, gradually able to hear the small sounds of Doyle moving around inside as he got closer.

Angel paused, then knocked on the door and swung it open. "Honey, I'm home."

Doyle was in the kitchen area doing something with some kind of food. "Bet you've been waiting all day to say..." He trailed off as he looked up and saw the state Angel was in. "Okay, we're going to have to work on the 'when hitting something, don't let them hit you back' thing."

Angel stuck his hands into his jacket pockets and slouched a little bit more. "There were more of them than we thought," he said. Then, going for distraction: "What are you making?"

"Nothing too complicated. Just some bacon for a BLT. I ordered some groceries to cut back on the pizza delivery boy interruptions tonight." Doyle took the pan off the heat and walked over to Angel with a smile. And it was definitely Doyle's smile, even if Angel's brain kept insisting it was Cordy's face. "Hi."

"Hi." Angel felt spellbound, aware that he was staring but totally unable to do anything about it. "Remember that thing we talked about?"

"Yeah." Doyle started forward, then stopped, looking at Angel with a frown. "I'm not going to hurt you am I?"

"I don't care," Angel said honestly, reaching out to grab Doyle's hand and pull him closer.

Doyle came willingly, and wrapped his arms around Angel, but he was very careful not to press very hard. "I care."

Angel buried his face in Doyle's hair, inhaling and smelling shampoo that was definitely not Cordy's. He let Doyle's warmth slowly soak in, trying not to think about anything at all.

"I borrowed your shampoo. I hope you don't mind."

He shook his head slightly. "No. It's good." Better, having Doyle smell less like Cordy. Less confusing.

"I wasn't stupid enough to touch your hair gel though." The tone of Doyle's voice let him know he was being teased now.

Angel slid a hand up Doyle's back and into the hair at the nape of his neck. "Looks nice anyway," he said.

"Thanks." Doyle leaned back a little into his touch. "Mm, missed you."

"Me too." Angel would have been perfectly happy to stand there for the rest of the night, just listening to the sound of Doyle's heartbeat.

"Rough day?"

Angel sighed and tightened his grip a little bit, even though it made his ribs ache. "Not really. Not more than usual."

"So it sounds like they're all rough days then." Doyle's hands slid over Angel's back in soothing circles. "Guess I'll just have to see what I can do to help the nights make up for it."

Despite his desire to stay right where he was, Angel pulled back a little and looked into Doyle's eyes in Cordy's face. "Actually, that vacation we were talking about before is starting to sound better and better."

"If that's what you need, that's what we'll do." Doyle leaned in and kissed him. "But think we can figure something to do that would distract you from your problems tonight?"

Angel kissed back anxiously, one hand still tangled in the hair at the back of Doyle's neck, then stopped and stepped backward, releasing Doyle. "Have your dinner and tell me what you did today?" he suggested.

"Not much," Doyle said, reluctantly pulling back from Angel and heading back to the kitchen to make his sandwich. "Talked to you and Wesley via email, explored the hotel some." He glanced over his shoulder at Angel. "Fantasized."

Trying to look casual -- he didn't have a hard time looking interested -- Angel leaned against the doorway and watched as Doyle took out some bread. "Oh yeah? What about?"

"Strangely enough, about being caught by a vampire who ripped my clothes off and chained me to his bed, and had his wicked way with me. Over and over until I was begging for mercy." He grinned at Angel.

"Where'd you come up with something kinky like that?" Angel asked, lifting his eyebrows. "Sounds pretty sick to me."

"So call me a sick bastard then." He waggled his eyebrows lasciviously, which looked decidedly disturbing on Cordelia's face. "But think you could oblige?"

Angel heaved a very fake sigh, feeling the heavy weight that'd be hanging over him all day lifting. "Yeah, I *guess* so. If it'd make you happy. But I hope you're appreciative of me catering to your twisted fantasies."

"Yes, because we all know your twisted fantasies involve purple hair."

It didn't take much energy to put on a burst of speed that let Angel pin Doyle's curvaceous new body against the countertop. "We're not talking about my fantasies," Angel said, in a voice that was almost a purr. "This is all... about... you."

"Is it now?" A smile hovered at the corners of Doyle's lips.

Angel traced a vein in Doyle's throat with his tongue. "It is. So if you want a chance to eat that sandwich before I tie you up, you'd better stop getting me so worked up."

Doyle obligingly tilted his head to give Angel better access. "Maybe I want you worked up."

Uncertain, Angel paused. "You don't want to eat?"

"I can wait. I want you more."

Angel groaned softly, Doyle's words seeming to go straight to his cock. "By the time I'm done with you, you're gonna want me so bad you can't think straight," he whispered, letting his thumb brush gently over one of Doyle's nipples.

Doyle gave just the slightest of gasps. "I'm all for thinking crooked."

With a small growl, Angel swept Doyle up into his arms and carried him easily into the bedroom. Then, grinning, he tossed Doyle onto the bed without warning.

Doyle let out an involuntary yelp as he bounced, which morphed into laughter. "You don't take much convincing, do you?"

Instead of answering, Angel reached down casually with both hands and tore the thin fabric of Doyle's shirt open from neck to waistband. "This oughta do," he said, yanking the remnants of the shirt from underneath Doyle and testing the strength, then deliberately meeting Doyle's eyes.

Doyle met his gaze fearlessly, then glanced up at the top of the bed where a bunch of silk scarves had been laid. "I've been preparing," Doyle said with a little grin.

Angel let the shirt drop to the floor and picked up one of the scarves, running the silk through his fingers. He took one of Doyle's slender wrists and tied it to the bed frame, giving it a careful tug to make sure it was secure. "Not too tight?" Angel asked, in a voice that said he might not have changed anything if it was.

"S'fine," Doyle said, after giving it a tug of his own.

The other wrist quickly followed, then Angel picked up a third scarf and leaned down to kiss Doyle, firmly but teasingly, his tongue sliding between soft lips. He thought briefly about gagging Doyle too, but decided he'd rather be able to listen  
to the begging.

Angel ran a hand over warm skin and down to cup the swell of one breast, letting it fill his palm.

Doyle remained perfectly still, but Angel could hear his heartbeat speeding up and smell his growing arousal.

"I can smell it on you, you know," Angel said, moving his hands down to the waistband of the soft jeans Doyle was wearing, sliding his thumbs in underneath the cloth. "How much you want me."

"Can you?" Doyle was obviously trying to stay still, but Angel could feel the tremors in his muscles at the effort.

With one quick movement, Angel tore open the front of Doyle's jeans, splitting them down the center. It was a moment's work to shred the rest of the material and throw them onto the floor. "You want me to touch you?" he asked.

"Yeah." The word was breathed low and soft, dark with arousal and need, as dark as Doyle's eyes following his every move.

Angel smiled with half his mouth, stepping away from the bed. "You're gonna have to wait. I need to take care of something first." And he started, very slowly, to unbutton his shirt.

He wanted to lose himself in this so badly that it wasn't hard to. One button at a time, easing each little circle through its hole, while Doyle watched him with an expression that wasn't anything he'd ever seen Cordy wear.

Shirt sliding off his fingers onto the floor in a flutter of Egyptian cotton, and then his hands moved to his belt, undoing it, pulling it free.

Angel dragged the leather strap over Doyle's bare stomach, smiling seductively.

Doyle jumped a little at the feel, then wriggled sensuously in an effort to entice. "That all you got?"

"Oh, trust me, we're just getting started," Angel said, before dropping the belt onto the floor too and starting to undo his pants.

When he'd slid the zipper down, he reached inside and pulled out his cock, stroked it lazily to full hardness while watching Doyle through heavily-lidded eyes.

Angel was well aware that Doyle's gaze was now fastened on his cock, and the smell of Doyle's arousal grew stronger, a heady aroma filling the room.

"Thought I remembered you saying something about wanting me naked this time around," Angel said as he carelessly removed the rest of his clothes at something like half speed.

The sight of Doyle, in Cordy's perfect, lush body, restrained on the bed, wanting him... it would have taken his breath away, if he'd had any.

"Naked is good," Doyle confirmed, still staring.

Angel stepped closer to the head of the bed. "See something you like?"

"Yeah." A ghost of a smile touched Doyle's lips. "Even without the purple hair."

Fighting a grin at the way Doyle was trying to throw him out of step, Angel leaned down until his mouth was millimeters from Doyle's. "You," he said, "are incorrigible. You know what I do to people who are incorrigible?"

"Kiss them?"

"I make them beg," Angel said, straightening up and moving to the end of the bed. He took hold of Doyle's ankles and spread his legs wide, kneeling in the space between. "Want me to touch you?"

"I thought we'd already established that." Doyle was doing his best to keep his tone casual but wasn't succeeding very well.

"Hm," Angel said thoughtfully, fondling his erection with one hand. "Doesn't sound like begging to me."

"Yeah, like you're going to use your hand when you've got a perfectly good lover here to use instead." But Doyle's eyes were fastened on what Angel's hand was doing.

"I don't need to come at all," Angel said. "You think I haven't gone a lot longer than this?" He let go of himself and ghosted a fingertip along the inside edge of Doyle's knee. "I can go weeks. Months, if I have to. Think you can go that long?"

Doyle's leg twitched. "Dunno. I've only had this body a day."

His fingertip moved a tiny bit higher -- to the spot just between knee and thigh -- and drew little circles there, still barely touching the skin. "Want to find out?"

"Within reason. I have a lunch date with Wesley tomorrow."

Angel chuckled darkly, then leaned in, one hand on either side of Doyle's waist, and blew air across Doyle's left nipple, watching as it tightened to a hard peak. "Darn," he said. "'Cause I was really looking forward to tasting you."

This time Doyle's shiver would be visible to anybody. "Tasting me?" he asked, licking his lips.

"You know," Angel said, putting some extra force behind the words so that air would move across Doyle's other nipple this time. "Licking you. In all those sensitive spots down between your legs where you taste... so... good." He sat upright again, regretfully. "But if you don't want to beg..."

"Maybe you should give me a sample of what I'm begging for," was Doyle's quick answer.

"What do you think this, a perfume counter?' Angel smirked. "I don't give free samples."

"You think you're that good I should just take your word for it?"

"You didn't seem to mind too much last night," Angel pointed out. He pushed back onto his knees again and played idly with his foreskin, drawing it over the head of his cock and then pulling it back again. The slick sound was audible even to a human's ears.

Doyle's tongue darted out and licked at his lips as he stared. "So... uh... for discussion sake, what kind of begging were you looking for?"

Angel shrugged. "You look... creative. I'm sure you could come up with something."

Doyle considered, then offered, "Please?"

Slowly, Angel traced a fingertip over the head of his swollen cock, then lifted it to his own lips and sucked it clean. "Mmm," he said. "You can do better than that."

"Please touch me?"

Letting vampiric instinct take partial control, Angel growled slightly. "Touch you *where?*"

Doyle swallowed. "There. Between my legs. Where you touched me last night."

"You forgot to say please this time," Angel said, but he was hovering on the edge of giving in, at least partially because he didn't think he could expect Doyle to use more specific language.

"Please," Doyle said obediently, shifting his legs, spreading them a bit wider in invitation.

Angel slid down Doyle's body, pressing his own eager cock against the sheets, and licked along Doyle's inner thigh, leaving a damp trail.

Doyle twitched again.

Angel licked higher, teasing the crease where Doyle's thigh met his body.

"Well, you're getting closer," Doyle murmured breathlessly, chuckling a little.

"Wouldn't mind hearing that word again," Angel said, spreading Doyle's thighs even wider and flicking his tongue over the spot he knew would make Doyle tense with pleasure.

Doyle's breath caught. "You mean please?"

Giving a reward for good behavior, Angel repeated the motion with his tongue, more lingeringly this time.

Another gasp, this time with a bit of a moan in it. "God..."

Doyle tasted a little bit like Angel had imagined Cordy would, but not completely, and that helped. Angel licked again, flickering his tongue over the sensitive wetness, then worked two fingers into Doyle's tight opening, pushing in deep.

Doyle moaned again, louder, pushing his hips up into the touch. "Please," he murmured, this time sounding more heartfelt.

The night before, Angel had just wanted to make Doyle feel good, to make him come. Tonight, he wanted to drive him crazy with need.

He watched as Doyle writhed under his touch, struck by how... abandoned and open Doyle was with him.

Repeatedly, Angel brought Doyle to the edge, then backed off, leaving him quivering and panting. Again and again, until Angel's cock hurt from holding back.

Doyle by this point was panting, covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He was writhing desperately, tugging on his bound arms, trying to get more. Words had deserted him, little whimpers and moans all that was left behind.

"You taste so fucking good," Angel murmured against Doyle's flushed skin, trying to distract himself from his throbbing cock. He moved up to devour Doyle's mouth, his fingers still thrusting in and out between Doyle's legs.

Doyle kissed him back, wildly, desperately, arching his body up to get as much skin contact as he could.

Angel could feel the heat radiating from Doyle everywhere, warming him. He could see the red marks on the pale skin of Doyle's wrists where the silk scarves rubbed, bringing the blood nearer the surface. "God, the way you move," Angel said in a low voice. "You like this? Like me making you crazy?"

Words still seemed beyond Doyle -- which, when he thought of it was pretty amazing for Doyle -- because he just nodded.

Doyle's lips were parted slightly, so Angel kissed him again, sliding his tongue in between them and finding Doyle's own tongue, which met his eagerly. At the same time, Angel shifted his position, letting his cock push against the softness of Doyle's inner thigh. He had to close his eyes at the feel of it, at the thought of being able to slide into that hot willing body.

"Please." The word was moaned and Angel wasn't sure if Doyle remembered its meaning right then. But the way he squirmed underneath him was eloquent enough.

Angel would have liked to draw it out, but his cock was so hard it was killing him. He stopped fucking Doyle with his hand, barely registering the whimper that accompanied the loss, then lined himself up and snapped his hips, finally, finally plunging his cock into Doyle's tightness.

Doyle's entire body arched like a bow, crying out sharply at Angel's entrance.

It had been less than twenty-four hours since he'd been inside Doyle like this, and it was even more incredible than Angel had remembered. He moved strongly, thrusting deep, while his hands went up and wrapped themselves around Doyle's wrists, adding his own personal form of restraint to the scarves that kept Doyle's arms over his head.

Beneath him, Doyle's movements took on the rhythm of Angel's thrusts, urging him on.

"Look at me," Angel said, without slowing down. He needed to see Doyle's eyes... needed the reminder that this was *Doyle.*

Green eyes glazed with lust opened and met his own; Angel could see the love sparkling in their depths.

Angel groaned and leaned in closer, not kissing Doyle because he needed to keep looking into his eyes, but getting so close that he could feel Doyle's panted breaths on his own lips.

It was almost like breathing.

Doyle couldn't wrap his arms around him, but he did lift his head, trying to get closer, get even more contact. "Angel," he whispered, voice more breath than sound.

"Yeah," Angel said, thrusting harder. "Say it again."

He could see Doyle's throat muscles working as he swallowed, another moan bubbling up from his chest. "Angel."

Angel tightened his grip on those slender wrists, careful to take it only to the line of bruising and no further. His rhythm was starting to fall apart, and he knew he couldn't hold back much longer.

Doyle was panting harder and Angel could hear, smell, feel how close he was as well. He was trembling on the knife's edge and would need only one small push to throw him over.

Crushing his mouth to Doyle's, Angel kissed him ferociously. He shifted one of Doyle's wrists into the grip of his other hand so that he was holding both together, then reached down to roughly pinch a nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

That did it. Doyle screamed, his body convulsing in orgasm.

Angel rode it out, continuing to thrust as Doyle came. It wasn't until it was over, when Doyle gave a final shudder and relaxed, that he let himself begin to move in the way that would take him over the edge too.

"That's it," Doyle murmured encouragingly, still breathless as Angel continued to move within him. "Wanna feel you come in me."

Cordy's voice, Doyle's words... the combination of the two was more than enough. Angel gasped, "Oh God... *Doyle*..." and then it felt like he was flying apart, coming so hard that it almost hurt.

Doyle murmured softly to him as he came down, words of love and caring.

It made him feel... safe. Like maybe underneath all the bad stuff, just maybe, it was okay to have something good.

"Love you," Doyle murmured, moving to kiss Angel's temple, the only part of his face Doyle could easily reach.

"Love you too." The words weren't as easy to say as they were to think, but he managed.

"Angel?"

"Yeah?" He pushed himself up onto his elbows, grinning down at Doyle just a little bit.

Doyle's mouth curved up in response. "Can you untie me now?"

Angel blinked. "Oh. Right." He fumbled with the scarves, worrying for a minute that maybe he'd done *too* good a job tying them, then got them undone.

Doyle groaned a little as he brought his arms down, rubbing at his wrists. "Thanks."

"You okay?" Angel reached for one wrist tentatively.

"Yeah." Doyle smiled at Angel as he took over massaging his wrist. "Just a bit of lost circulation. Definitely worth it."

Angel chafed at the reddened skin gently for another minute, then lay back, pulling Doyle down with him and holding him close. "I've been thinking," he started.

"If you were still able to think, then we weren't doing it right," Doyle teased, then got serious. "What have you been thinking?"

"I've been thinking," Angel said, "That maybe *I* don't want to go back to work either. I think we should just stay here. All the time." He paused, then added, "In bed."

Doyle chuckled and snuggled closer. "I could get behind that."

"Nah. See, sooner or later, you'd have to get up to eat."

"True. And use the bathroom."

Angel closed his eyes and sighed. "Guess people would notice if I didn't show up at the office though."

"You're the boss -- you can do whatever you want." Doyle's fingers came up and traced lightly over his features.

"Other than not show up," Angel said, keeping his eyes closed and letting Doyle touch him however he wanted. "Since that's kinda the point about the 'boss' thing."

"You could give orders via computer."

Angel shook his head slightly. "How would I do that if I wasn't going to get out of bed?"

"Laptop?" Doyle suggested. "Wireless connection?"

"I thought you were supposed to be a *good* influence on me," Angel complained.

"Getting you to take time for yourself *is* a good influence."

Angel thought about that for a minute. "Besides... it's not like they'd miss me?"

Doyle rolled over until he was straddling Angel, looking down into his face. "That isn't the lesson you're supposed to be learning here."

"Then I think you need to use smaller words." Angel consider this. "And shorter sentences."

"It's good that you're taking time for yourself, letting yourself have something outside of work and brooding. But that doesn't mean you don't have people who would miss you if you disappeared from their lives." Doyle raised an eyebrow. "Short enough for you?"

"Um... so was part of that a 'Yes, you should go to work?'"

Doyle sighed, then leaned over and kissed him. "Go to work, don't go to work, just don't push the people who care about you away."

Angel tangled his fingers in Doyle's hair before he could straighten up. "I don't want to push you away."

"Ah, well me you can't push away." Doyle grinned.

Slowly, not sure if he was liking the direction the conversation was taking, Angel said, "So you're talking about Wesley."

"Wesley, Lorne, all the people who care about you," Doyle clarified.

Angel rolled Doyle off of him -- gently, but firmly -- and shifted his weight, moving up to lean against the head of the bed. "Pretty much pushed them away for good already," he pointed out.

Doyle slid an arm around Angel's waist, and pressed himself up against his side again. "I doubt that. But we can take them one at a time if you want."

"No, I mean..." The urge to push Doyle away, to retreat, was strong, but Angel fought it. "I pushed them away when I agreed to the mind wipe. Took away all that history and replaced it with... well, other history I guess. But..."

"But it's not the history you remember," Doyle said softly, understanding.

"And I can't take it back." He met Doyle's eyes, hoping that would make it clear what he was saying.

"No one's asking you to take a memo out in the company newsletter."

"Good. Because I'm not going to." Frustrated, not liking how talking about this made him feel, Angel slid free from Doyle's embrace and went over to the dresser. He got out a pair of soft cotton work-out pants and pulled them on.

Sighing, Doyle got up as well, slipping on the robe he'd borrowed the night before. He crossed the room and slid his arms around Angel's waist from behind. "Told you ya can't push me away."

Angel turned around awkwardly without breaking Doyle's hold on him, and tilted Doyle's face up so that he could kiss him. "I'm not pushing you away," he lied, hoping it was convincing. "I just... don't want to talk about it."

Doyle shrugged. "I wasn't exactly keen about coming back as a woman, but ya do what ya have to, to get what you want -- and need."

"I think you need to have something to eat," Angel said, extricating himself from Doyle's arms *again* and going into the kitchen. There was a tomato sitting on the countertop, so he grabbed it and a knife and started cutting slices.

Well, *trying* to cut slices.

Doyle had followed him and was now leaning against the doorway, watching. It was such a Doyle-esque pose that it was a bit startling to see Cordelia's body doing it.

Made it easier to see Doyle as Doyle though.

"You want some help?"

"I can do it," Angel said irritably, glancing back at what he was doing just in time to watch as the unsliced half tomato in his hand turned into pulp in his grip.

Doyle came forward and grabbed a towel; taking Angel's hand in his, he gently cleaned off the tomato remains, all without saying a word.

Angel stood very still. "I can do this," he said.

"You don't have to do it alone." Doyle didn't let go of his hand.

It seemed like it had reached the point where Angel didn't know what to say, so he used his other hand to reach for another tomato. "Maybe you should cut this one," he said, offering it to Doyle.

Doyle smiled and took it from him. Turning back to the counter, he began slicing it neatly. "Can I ask you some questions, Angel?"

"Sure?" At least it was a little bit easier with part of Doyle's attention on the knife in his hands.

Green eyes glanced up to meet his own. "How do you feel about me?"

Angel blinked. "You know how I feel about you." Didn't he? "Um... don't you?"

Doyle's smile was quick and reassuring. "Tell me anyway."

"I'm glad you're back," Angel ventured after a long silence. "I... you're my friend." A longer pause, because it was so hard to say. "I love you."

He was rewarded with an even brighter smile. "I love you too. But don't you find this-" Doyle gestured at his body, "-to be a problem?"

Angel's gaze lingered on Doyle's new curves. "Um... no?"

Doyle raised an eyebrow.

"What kind of problem are you talking about?" Angel gestured back toward the bedroom. "I mean, you were there for that, right? Can't say I had a... problem with it."

"I'm not saying you're not doing fabulous at overcoming any problems," Doyle replied, grinning widely briefly, "but I know it's gotta be hard to look at me and see Cordelia."

Angel stared at Doyle for a minute, then swallowed and glanced down at the floor. "Well, yeah."

Doyle moved, and Angel felt his hand on his cheek in a gentle, comforting caress. "But you love me," Doyle said softly. "And that makes it worth it to work through the hard parts."

He looked up, and got caught in Doyle's gaze. "Yeah."

Doyle smiled and kissed him gently. "Can I ask something else?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Angel asked, with a wry grin.

"You're doing great so far."

He leaned in and wrapped his arms around Doyle, letting the infusing warmth soothe him as their bodies molded to each other. "Okay. I mean, yeah, ask me."

"How do you feel about Wesley?"

Angel stiffened slightly -- he couldn't help it -- but he tried to stay calm, tried to think rationally. "I... care about him?"

Doyle made an encouraging noise and kissed him. "Go on."

"Don't suppose you want that sandwich?" Angel asked, without much hope.

"I can eat and listen at the same time."

But now Angel wasn't so sure he wanted to let go of Doyle. "What am I supposed to do here? Make a list of things I like about him?"

"That could be a place to start." Doyle was obligingly not pulling away.

Okay, he could do that. "He's smart. He knows what's important." Angel thought for another minute. "He tries to do the right thing."

"Anything else?"

"He's got really good aim?" Angel sighed and pulled away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Heck, Doyle, I don't know."

"But you care for him."

"Yeah." There might have been times when he wished he hadn't, but he did.

Doyle smiled at him. "That's a pretty miserable yeah."

Angel sighed again. "Sometimes I get tired of getting burned."

"So you don't trust Wesley."

"Trust him with what?" Angel gave a half-hearted shrug. "I mean, I trust him to do what he thinks is the right thing. But stuff like that's kind of subjective."

Doyle seemed to consider before speaking again. "I'm going to say something, and I know your first reaction is going to be denial followed by running from the conversation."

"And you still think it's a good idea to say it?"

"Someone's got to bring the subject up, and I'm the only one here."

"Fine, go ahead," Angel said, with only slightly less reluctance than he felt.

Doyle took a deep breath before speaking. "I think you need to tell Wesley what really happened. Not just for him, but for you as well."

"I can't," Angel said flatly. The kitchen was too small for pacing, so he moved back into the bedroom, walking from one end of the floor to the other, running a hand through his hair as he did. "There's no way to know what might happen."

"You're scared," Doyle said bluntly, once again having moved to lean against the door jamb while he watched Angel move.

"I'm not," Angel said, realizing that his hands were clenched into fists.

"You're *terrified*." Doyle started walking across the room towards him. "And it's not about Connor. It's about the fact that if you tell, then you'll have to deal with it. With Wesley."

Angel made sure to keep some distance between them. "I don't want to go *back* to that," he blurted out.

"Because how things are now between you is so much better?" Doyle asked bluntly.

"I didn't know it was going to be like this," Angel protested, crossing the room again. "I didn't know what kind of... replacement memories I was agreeing to. Not," he added quickly, "that I would have said no to the deal. I didn't have a choice."

"You did what you had to do," Doyle agreed. "You did what was best for your son. No one's arguing with you there. But the way things stand now... You see the damage the false memories are doing in this instance. It's not just destroying whatever chance you have to regain the friendship with Wesley, it's destroying Wesley himself."

Angel's shoulders slumped, the tension draining away and taking the anger with it. "It's just... it seems like everything I touch goes wrong." His voice was quiet.

Doyle approached him again, wrapping his arms around him. "No it doesn't. I promise."

"I don't know what to do," Angel whispered into Doyle's hair.

"Do you... Would it be easier if I told him first?"

Angel let the offer sink in, feeling unbelievably lucky that Doyle would even suggest it. "You shouldn't have to do that," he said.

Doyle shrugged and pulled back enough to smile at him. "Have to doesn't have anything to do with it. I love you, and I like Wesley a great deal. I want to help."

"I don't know if... Let me think about it?" Angel kissed Doyle, trying to put his gratitude into the kiss. "I... you'd really do that?"

Doyle nodded. "Yeah."

The corner of Angel's mouth tilted up into a little smile. "You really do love me, don't you."

That got Angel a glare of mock-disbelief. "You're just figuring this out now? You've a harder head than I thought."

"Probably," Angel agreed. "So... are we done?"

"You mean am I done asking you the really hard questions?" Doyle asked, smiling back.

"Please?"

Doyle chuckled. "Promise me you'll give me an answer in the morning?"

Angel wasn't sure this was a decision he could make in one night, and he wasn't sure his answer was going to be what Doyle wanted it to be. Actually, he wasn't even sure *which* answer Doyle wanted. "Okay," he promised. "I mean... I'll try."

He was rewarded with a beaming Doyle smile and a long lingering kiss. "That's all I can ask."

"You really do, don't you?" Angel asked, with even more wonder this time. "Love me, I mean."

"Yeah," Doyle replied, still smiling. "I do. And not just because you can make me come so hard I feel like the top of my head is going to blow off."

Angel just pulled Doyle in closer. "Don't worry. I'll make sure the top of your head doesn't, you know, *really* blow off."

"Good. It would be hard to kiss you without a head."

"Be hard for you to do other things too," Angel told him, then realized how that could be taken. "Um, like talk me out of being stupid."

Doyle kissed him again. "Or eat a BLT."

"Or talk to Wesley," Angel said slowly, seeing how the words sounded out loud.

"Yeah." Doyle smiled at him. "Or that. Or tell you I love you."

"You can say that as many times as you want to. Don't think I'm gonna get tired of hearing it."

"Good." Tugging on his hands, Doyle pulled him toward the kitchen. "You can come watch me eat and I'll tell you between bites."

Angel went along willingly. More than willingly. It didn't matter who Doyle looked like; he was back. That was all that mattered.


	18. Chapter 18

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

Sorry to take off without waking you up. I just figured after the late night we had, you could probably use your sleep.

Plus you looked so peaceful that I hated to wake you.

Anyway... morning. Did you sleep okay? Once we actually got some sleep, I mean?

I've got meetings like crazy today, plus we're supposed to clear some Klrokskar demons out from under a client's building. Beats the hell out of me what they're doing down there, but what the client wants, the client gets.

Wanna play lawyer/client when I get home tonight?

Um, that should be accompanied by some kind of leer, I guess.

So... you're having lunch with Wes, right?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> Sorry to take off without waking you up. I just figured after the late  
night we had, you could probably use your sleep.

You did do your best to wear me out, didn't you?

> Plus you looked so peaceful that I hated to wake you.

You smooth talker you. But next time, wake me. I like being able to kiss you before you leave.

> Anyway... morning. Did you sleep okay? Once we actually got some sleep,  
I mean?

I slept fine. Great even. A nice bit of exercise and a congenial bed partner... more than I'd been used to in years. Even not counting the years I was dead. I could quickly get used to that as a regular routine.

> I've got meetings like crazy today, plus we're supposed to clear some  
Klrokskar demons out from under a client's building. Beats the hell out  
of me what they're doing down there, but what the client wants, the  
client gets.

As long as the Klrokskar demons don't beat the hell out of you, I'm happy.

> Wanna play lawyer/client when I get home tonight?

Is that as dirty as it sounds?

We could work it in with this multiple orgasm thing I'd really like to try. Hey, if I'm stuck as a woman, might as well take advantage of the benefits, eh?

Can I count on your support in my continuing experiments?

> Um, that should be accompanied by some kind of leer, I guess.

Duly noted. Leer imagined.

> So... you're having lunch with Wes, right?

Yeah. Is there anything I should tell him?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > Sorry to take off without waking you up. I just figured after the late  
night we had, you could probably use your sleep.

> You did do your best to wear me out, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

You seemed to enjoy it though.

You did, right? Enjoy it?

> > Plus you looked so peaceful that I hated to wake you. 

> You smooth talker you. But next time, wake me. I like being able to kiss you  
before you leave.

Okay. I can do that.

> > Anyway... morning. Did you sleep okay? Once we actually got some sleep,  
I mean?

> I slept fine. Great even. A nice bit of exercise and a congenial bed partner...  
more than I'd been used to in years. Even not counting the years I was dead. I  
could quickly get used to that as a regular routine.

One thing about sleeping with a vampire -- or okay, maybe just me... I don't roll around much. Pretty much tend to wake up in the same spot I fell asleep in. Plus, no breathing means no snoring.

> > I've got meetings like crazy today, plus we're supposed to clear some  
Klrokskar demons out from under a client's building. Beats the hell out  
of me what they're doing down there, but what the client wants, the  
client gets.

> As long as the Klrokskar demons don't beat the hell out of you, I'm happy.

Hey, at least I heal fast. A few cuts and bruises here and there aren't a big deal.

> > Wanna play lawyer/client when I get home tonight?

> Is that as dirty as it sounds?

Yeah?

Unless you don't want it to be.

> We could work it in with this multiple orgasm thing I'd really like to try.  
Hey, if I'm stuck as a woman, might as well take advantage of the benefits, eh?

Can I count on your support in my continuing experiments?

Call me support guy. There to lend a... um, hand. Or, you know, whatever other body part you might need.

> > Um, that should be accompanied by some kind of leer, I guess.

> Duly noted. Leer imagined.

As long as you're not imagining the purple hair to go with it.

> > So... you're having lunch with Wes, right?

> Yeah. Is there anything I should tell him?

Would you? Because... I think you're right. I think he should know. But I don't know if I can do it. Tell him, I mean.

But only if you feel okay about doing it.

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry,

I hope you're sitting down -- well, I suppose you are if you're reading email.

It's Francis. I'm Francis, I mean. Doyle.

I know you're probably thinking that this is some kind of cruel joke but it's not.

Ask me anything you need to confirm I'm me. I'll answer.

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Francis? Is that really you?

I don't know what to say. How did you... when... what happened?

\- Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > You did do your best to wear me out, didn't you? 

> Yeah, I did.

You seemed to enjoy it though.

You did, right? Enjoy it?

Yes, Angel. Otherwise I wouldn't be asking for more tonight.

> > You smooth talker you. But next time, wake me. I like being able to  
kiss you before you leave.

> Okay. I can do that.

I'll have to kiss you twice tonight when I see you.

> One thing about sleeping with a vampire -- or okay, maybe just me... I  
don't roll around much. Pretty much tend to wake up in the same spot I  
fell asleep in. Plus, no breathing means no snoring.

You make a very good body pillow.

> > As long as the Klrokskar demons don't beat the hell out of you, I'm  
happy.

> Hey, at least I heal fast. A few cuts and bruises here and there aren't  
a big deal.

They are to me.

> > > Wanna play lawyer/client when I get home tonight?

> > Is that as dirty as it sounds?

> Yeah?

Unless you don't want it to be.

I never said that.

> > We could work it in with this multiple orgasm thing I'd really like to try.  
Hey, if I'm stuck as a woman, might as well take advantage of the benefits, eh?

Can I count on your support in my continuing experiments?

> Call me support guy. There to lend a... um, hand. Or, you know,  
whatever other body part you might need. 

That's one of the things I love about you -- always so helpful.

> > > Um, that should be accompanied by some kind of leer, I guess.

> > Duly noted. Leer imagined.

> As long as you're not imagining the purple hair to go with it.

I'll never tell.

> > > So... you're having lunch with Wes, right?

> > Yeah. Is there anything I should tell him?

> Would you? Because... I think you're right. I think he should know. But  
I don't know if I can do it. Tell him, I mean.

But only if you feel okay about doing it.

I wouldn't have offered if I didn't.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > You seemed to enjoy it though.

You did, right? Enjoy it?

> Yes, Angel. Otherwise I wouldn't be asking for more tonight.

Good.

I don't mean to get all... weird about it. I just don't want to mess this up. I don't want to assume that things are good and then find out they're not.

> > > You smooth talker you. But next time, wake me. I like being able to kiss you  
before you leave.

> > Okay. I can do that. 

> I'll have to kiss you twice tonight when I see you.

Twist my arm.

> > One thing about sleeping with a vampire -- or okay, maybe just me... I  
don't roll around much. Pretty much tend to wake up in the same spot I  
fell asleep in. Plus, no breathing means no snoring.

> You make a very good body pillow.

Really? Because the thought of you sleeping on top of me sounds pretty good.

> > > As long as the Klrokskar demons don't beat the hell out of you, I'm happy.

> > Hey, at least I heal fast. A few cuts and bruises here and there aren't  
a big deal.

> They are to me.

Oh.

I mean, I'm not gonna stop fighting things just because you don't like it when I get hurt. You know that.

> Wanna play lawyer/client when I get home tonight?

> > > Is that as dirty as it sounds?

> > Yeah?

Unless you don't want it to be.

> I never said that.

Could be fun. You tell me what you need to make you happy, and I do it.

> > Call me support guy. There to lend a... um, hand. Or, you know,  
whatever other body part you might need.

> That's one of the things I love about you -- always so helpful.

Yeah. Someone's gotta support you in your quest for scientific knowledge.

> > As long as you're not imagining the purple hair to go with it.

> I'll never tell. 

You'll never do it either.

> > > > So... you're having lunch with Wes, right?

> > > Yeah. Is there anything I should tell him?

> > Would you? Because... I think you're right. I think he should know. But  
I don't know if I can do it. Tell him, I mean.

But only if you feel okay about doing it.

> I wouldn't have offered if I didn't.

Then yeah. Just... tell him why I did it? And make sure he remembers that thing about not shooting the messenger. And tell him I'm sorry.

What if he doesn't believe you?

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry

> Francis? Is that really you?

Yeah. It's me. Angel will vouch for me.

> I don't know what to say. How did you... when... what happened?

Long long story. Short version -- something had happened to Cordelia and while they were trying a spell to help her, they somehow brought me back. Into the computer system at Wolfram and Hart -- which Angel now runs. (That's another long story which I'm still getting the details of.) So I was in the computer system for a few days, but I was able to communicate via email and chat programs.

Then in another attempt to help Cordelia, I somehow ended up *in* her body. That's when Cordelia showed up -- outside of her body -- she's become a higher being and isn't coming back. So she *gave* me her body so I *could*.

So I'm back, in the flesh. Just that uh, the flesh is a lot more female than it used to be.

That's about it in a nutshell.

So how have you been the last few years?

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

> Yeah. It's me. Angel will vouch for me.

Hi Francis. I can't believe it's really you. No, I do believe it's you, obviously. But it's so amazing.

> Long long story. Short version -- something had happened to Cordelia and while  
they were trying a spell to help her, they somehow brought me back. Into the  
computer system at Wolfram and Hart -- which Angel now runs. (That's another  
long story which I'm still getting the details of.) So I was in the computer  
system for a few days, but I was able to communicate via email and chat  
programs.

Then in another attempt to help Cordelia, I somehow ended up *in* her body.  
That's when Cordelia showed up -- outside of her body -- she's become a higher  
being and isn't coming back. So she *gave* me her body so I *could*.

So I'm back, in the flesh. Just that uh, the flesh is a lot more female than it  
used to be.

That's about it in a nutshell.

That's a pretty big nutshell.

So you're telling me that you look like Cordelia now. That you're a woman instead of a man.

Trust you to come up with the craziest identity crisis on the planet.

> So how have you been the last few years?

Good. I'm good.

It was hard when you died. Harder than I'd have thought it would be, if I'd thought about it. Us being apart, that was one thing, but you being dead... I hadn't counted on that.

But I'm good.

I got married about two and a half years ago. His name's Thomas, and... he's a good man, Francis. I think you'd like him. He's kind, and sweet, and he's a clinical psychologist who  
works with children. He's really good with kids. Just like you.

And... we have a daughter. She just had her first birthday last month. She's beautiful, and when she smiles it just lights up the room. She's just starting to walk.

I hope you'll get to meet her. I hope none of this hurts too much to hear.

What are you going to do now? Is there anything I can do?

\- Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > > You did, right? Enjoy it?

> > Yes, Angel. Otherwise I wouldn't be asking for more tonight.

> Good.

I don't mean to get all... weird about it. I just don't want to mess  
this up. I don't want to assume that things are good and then find out  
they're not.

You're not going to mess this up.

And do you really think that I would keep quiet if there was something wrong?

Have I ever?

Well, successfully?

> > I'll have to kiss you twice tonight when I see you.

> Twist my arm.

Well, if you insist...

> > You make a very good body pillow.

> Really? Because the thought of you sleeping on top of me sounds pretty  
good. 

Feels pretty good, too.

> > > Hey, at least I heal fast. A few cuts and bruises here and there  
aren't a big deal.

> > They are to me.

> Oh.

I mean, I'm not gonna stop fighting things just because you don't like  
it when I get hurt. You know that.

I'm not asking you to. Just work on the ducking and don't take stupid chances.

I just came back from the dead; I don't want you dying when I just got here.

> > > > > Wanna play lawyer/client when I get home tonight?

> > > > Is that as dirty as it sounds?

> > > Yeah?

Unless you don't want it to be.

> > I never said that.

> Could be fun. You tell me what you need to make you happy, and I do it.

I'm noticing a theme here -- you really like the idea of me telling you what I want you to do, don't you?

> > > Call me support guy. There to lend a... um, hand. Or, you know,  
whatever other body part you might need.

> > That's one of the things I love about you -- always so helpful.

> Yeah. Someone's gotta support you in your quest for scientific  
knowledge.

I'm gonna make sure to thank you in the acknowledgements.

> > > As long as you're not imagining the purple hair to go with it.

> > I'll never tell.

> You'll never do it either.

You keep saying that, I'm going to start taking it as a challenge.

> > > > > So... you're having lunch with Wes, right?

> > > > Yeah. Is there anything I should tell him?

> > > Would you? Because... I think you're right. I think he should know. But  
I don't know if I can do it. Tell him, I mean.

But only if you feel okay about doing it.

> > I wouldn't have offered if I didn't.

> Then yeah. Just... tell him why I did it? And make sure he remembers  
that thing about not shooting the messenger. And tell him I'm sorry.

I'll tell him everything, and make sure he understands. Promise.

> What if he doesn't believe you?

Why would he think I'd make it up?

Don't worry, Angel. I can be very convincing when I need to be.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > I don't mean to get all... weird about it. I just don't want to mess  
this up. I don't want to assume that things are good and then find out  
they're not.

> You're not going to mess this up.

And do you really think that I would keep quiet if there was something wrong?

Have I ever?

Well, successfully?

Depends on who things are wrong for. Because yeah, I could see you keeping quiet about something that was bothering you if you thought it'd upset me or something.

> > Really? Because the thought of you sleeping on top of me sounds pretty  
good.

> Feels pretty good, too.

A little too good for sleeping maybe. You'll have to wear me out every night if you want to do that.

> > I mean, I'm not gonna stop fighting things just because you don't like  
it when I get hurt. You know that.

> I'm not asking you to. Just work on the ducking and don't take stupid chances.

I just came back from the dead; I don't want you dying when I just got here.

I'm not going to. I'm gonna be here no matter what.

> > Could be fun. You tell me what you need to make you happy, and I do it.

> I'm noticing a theme here -- you really like the idea of me telling you what I  
want you to do, don't you?

Well... if you tell me what you want, I can give it to you. If I have to guess, I might guess wrong.

I'd rather know I'm getting it right.

> > > That's one of the things I love about you -- always so helpful.

> > Yeah. Someone's gotta support you in your quest for scientific  
knowledge.

> I'm gonna make sure to thank you in the acknowledgements.

I don't do it for the thanks.

> > > > As long as you're not imagining the purple hair to go with it.

> > > I'll never tell.

> > You'll never do it either.

> You keep saying that, I'm going to start taking it as a challenge.

What's with the purple, anyway? Are you some kind of color fetishist?

> > Then yeah. Just... tell him why I did it? And make sure he remembers  
that thing about not shooting the messenger. And tell him I'm sorry.

> I'll tell him everything, and make sure he understands. Promise.

He might not. Understand, I mean. If he doesn't, don't worry about it. I know you'll do everything you can, and... I won't be mad at him if he can't forgive me.

> > What if he doesn't believe you?

> Why would he think I'd make it up?

No, I know. It's just a lot to take in.

> Don't worry, Angel. I can be very convincing when I need to be.

I'm not worried.

Well okay, I am, but not about what you're going to do.

And... if you get there, to lunch, and it's too hard to do it, I'll understand that too.

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry,

> Hi Francis. I can't believe it's really you. No, I do believe it's you,  
obviously. But it's so amazing.

You should try it from where I'm sitting. ;-)

> > That's about it in a nutshell.

> That's a pretty big nutshell.

Yeah, guess it is. Giant economy sized nutshell.

> So you're telling me that you look like Cordelia now. That you're a  
woman instead of a man.

Pretty much. On the outside at least. I'm not sure exactly how I identify myself -- still tend to think in male pronouns and stuff. But it beats being dead, don't you think?

> Trust you to come up with the craziest identity crisis on the planet.

Yeah. And I thought I'd never top the wake up all green and spiky bit.

> > So how have you been the last few years?

> Good. I'm good.

It was hard when you died. Harder than I'd have thought it would be, if  
I'd thought about it. Us being apart, that was one thing, but you being  
dead... I hadn't counted on that.

I'm sorry.

> But I'm good.

I got married about two and a half years ago. His name's Thomas, and...  
he's a good man, Francis. I think you'd like him. He's kind, and sweet,  
and he's a clinical psychologist who works with children. He's really  
good with kids. Just like you.

As long as he makes you happy.

Well, that and he doesn't try to eat my brains...

> And... we have a daughter. She just had her first birthday last month.  
She's beautiful, and when she smiles it just lights up the room. She's  
just starting to walk.

I'd be surprised if she wasn't beautiful with you as a mother. Tell me more about her?

> I hope you'll get to meet her.

I'd like that. A lot.

> I hope none of this hurts too much to  
hear.

I'm glad you're happy. Really.

> What are you going to do now? Is there anything I can do?

I'm still working on the what I want to do bit. Angel's been great. He and I... He's been great. Really.

As for what you can do, I've never been female before and you've been one all your life so if I have any questions....?

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Hi Francis.

Did it hurt? Coming back to life, I mean? I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to wake up in someone else's body, especially if they were the opposite sex.

I can't picture you as Cordelia. I just keeping thinking of you as YOU.

> > I can't believe it's really you. No, I do believe it's you,  
obviously. But it's so amazing.

> You should try it from where I'm sitting. ;-)

I'm sure it must be upsetting, to look in a mirror and see someone else's face. Of course, maybe you'd gotten used to that?

> > So you're telling me that you look like Cordelia now. That you're a  
woman instead of a man.

> Pretty much. On the outside at least. I'm not sure exactly how I identify  
myself -- still tend to think in male pronouns and stuff. But it beats being  
dead, don't you think?

I'm really, really glad you're back, Francis. I didn't like thinking about a world without you in it. Even if you look like someone else now, it's still a good thing.

> > Trust you to come up with the craziest identity crisis on the planet.

> Yeah. And I thought I'd never top the wake up all green and spiky bit.

I can only hope there aren't any other surprises waiting for you. You have enough to adjust to.

> > It was hard when you died. Harder than I'd have thought it would be, if  
I'd thought about it. Us being apart, that was one thing, but you being  
dead... I hadn't counted on that.

> I'm sorry. 

Oh, don't be sorry. When Angel and Cordelia told me what had happened, I was so proud of you. Very upset too, but really proud. I knew you had it in you. You can do anything you set your mind to.

> > I got married about two and a half years ago. His name's Thomas, and...  
he's a good man, Francis. I think you'd like him. He's kind, and sweet,  
and he's a clinical psychologist who works with children. He's really  
good with kids. Just like you.

> As long as he makes you happy.

Well, that and he doesn't try to eat my brains...

No, he's human. He understands about everything, but he's just a regular guy.

He does make me happy.

> > And... we have a daughter. She just had her first birthday last month.  
She's beautiful, and when she smiles it just lights up the room. She's  
just starting to walk.

> I'd be surprised if she wasn't beautiful with you as a mother. Tell me more  
about her?

She has blonde hair. Not very much of it though, not yet. For a while I was putting those little bows in her hair so that people would know she was a girl, but she kept pulling them out so I stopped. And she likes to swing at the park, and her favorite food is bananas.

Her name's Aisling. Aisling Frances O'Connor.

Is there some saying about once you go Irish, you never go back? There should be.

> > I hope you'll get to meet her.

> I'd like that. A lot.

Then we'll make plans to do that. I want to see you again, Francis, even if you look different from how I remember.

> > I hope none of this hurts too much to  
hear.

> I'm glad you're happy. Really.

I am happy. I hope you will be too, once you get settled.

> > What are you going to do now? Is there anything I can do?

> I'm still working on the what I want to do bit. Angel's been great. He and I...  
He's been great. Really.

Is he easy to talk to? Does he really listen? What does he do when you get in a mood and just want to push everyone away?

> As for what you can do, I've never been female before and you've been one all  
your life so if I have any questions....?

Of *course.* You can ask me anything. You know that.

Love  
Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > And do you really think that I would keep quiet if there was  
something wrong?

Have I ever?

Well, successfully?

> Depends on who things are wrong for. Because yeah, I could see you  
keeping quiet about something that was bothering you if you thought  
it'd upset me or something.

I wouldn't do that.

And even if I did, when haven't you been able to see through me?

> > > Really? Because the thought of you sleeping on top of me sounds  
pretty  
good.

> > Feels pretty good, too.

> A little too good for sleeping maybe. You'll have to wear me out every  
night if you want to do that. 

Like we haven't been doing that regardless. :-)

> > I just came back from the dead; I don't want you dying when I just  
got here.

> I'm not going to. I'm gonna be here no matter what.

You do know I'm going to hold ya to that, right?

> > I'm noticing a theme here -- you really like the idea of me telling  
you what I  
want you to do, don't you?

> Well... if you tell me what you want, I can give it to you. If I have  
to guess, I might guess wrong.

I'd rather know I'm getting it right.

You haven't made any mistakes in the bedroom yet.

> > > > That's one of the things I love about you -- always so helpful.

> > > Yeah. Someone's gotta support you in your quest for scientific  
knowledge.

> > I'm gonna make sure to thank you in the acknowledgements.

> I don't do it for the thanks.

Just the warm satisfaction of helping me acquire knowledge?

> > You keep saying that, I'm going to start taking it as a challenge.

> What's with the purple, anyway? Are you some kind of color fetishist?

It was the first outrageous colour that popped into my head when I needed a threat for you.

> > > Then yeah. Just... tell him why I did it? And make sure he remembers  
that thing about not shooting the messenger. And tell him I'm sorry.

> > I'll tell him everything, and make sure he understands. Promise.

> He might not. Understand, I mean. If he doesn't, don't worry about it.  
I know you'll do everything you can, and... I won't be mad at him if  
he can't forgive me.

This is the first step to both of you being able to come to terms with what happened and  
forgiving each other.

> > > What if he doesn't believe you?

> > Why would he think I'd make it up?

> No, I know. It's just a lot to take in.

Yeah, it is. But I'm hoping the fact that this will make his feelings make sense will help it sink in.

> > Don't worry, Angel. I can be very convincing when I need to be.

> I'm not worried.

Well okay, I am, but not about what you're going to do.

Just that it's going to be done, huh?

> And... if you get there, to lunch, and it's too hard to do it, I'll  
understand that too.

I'm not going to back out, Angel. I promise.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > Depends on who things are wrong for. Because yeah, I could see you  
keeping quiet about something that was bothering you if you thought  
it'd upset me or something.

> I wouldn't do that.

And even if I did, when haven't you been able to see through me?

You're not as transparent as you think, you know. Especially not... now.

> > A little too good for sleeping maybe. You'll have to wear me out every  
night if you want to do that.

> Like we haven't been doing that regardless. :-) 

Well yeah, but we might not keep up to this pace.

> > I'm not going to. I'm gonna be here no matter what.

> You do know I'm going to hold ya to that, right?

You won't have to. I'm not going anywhere.

> > Well... if you tell me what you want, I can give it to you. If I have  
to guess, I might guess wrong.

I'd rather know I'm getting it right.

> You haven't made any mistakes in the bedroom yet.

Good to know. I mean, I'm not saying I have no idea what I'm doing... I've been around long enough that I like to think I know my way around a... well, woman's body. But still, different people have different taste. In bed.

> > I don't do it for the thanks.

> Just the warm satisfaction of helping me acquire knowledge?

Exactly.

Plus I like that breathy little moan thing you do.

> > What's with the purple, anyway? Are you some kind of color fetishist?

> It was the first outrageous colour that popped into my head when I needed a  
threat for you.

I can't say it didn't work, but geez. Get over it. Joke's not funny the millionth time around, you know?

Um, I'm kidding. About the joking thing, not the hair.

Kind of.

> > He might not. Understand, I mean. If he doesn't, don't worry about it.  
I know you'll do everything you can, and... I won't be mad at him if  
he can't forgive me.

> This is the first step to both of you being able to come to terms with what  
happened and forgiving each other. 

Yeah. We'll see.

> > No, I know. It's just a lot to take in.

> Yeah, it is. But I'm hoping the fact that this will make his feelings make sense  
will help it sink in.

I'm hoping too.

> > Well okay, I am, but not about what you're going to do.

> Just that it's going to be done, huh?

Yeah.

You'll let me know? As soon as it's done, I mean.

> > And... if you get there, to lunch, and it's too hard to do it, I'll  
understand that too.

> I'm not going to back out, Angel. I promise.

You don't have to. Promise. But thanks.

Love you. No matter what.

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry,

> Did it hurt? Coming back to life, I mean? I can't even begin to imagine  
what it would be like to wake up in someone else's body, especially if  
they were the opposite sex.

It didn't hurt. One minute I was... somewhere I can't remember, the next I was in the computer. Took me a while to figure out that's where I was. There was a bit of weirdness right before I got yanked from the computer and woke up in this body but no pain.

Lots of disorientation though, believe you me.

> I can't picture you as Cordelia. I just keeping thinking of you as YOU. 

I keep thinking of me as me, too. I mean, it doesn't feel any different than before, least till I run into one of the obvious differences -- like I glance down at something and do a double-take at having breasts. It's a bit weird hearing my voice now too because it's not my voice. It's Cordelia's. Just not with the American accent.

But I'm still me on the inside.

> > > I can't believe it's really you. No, I do believe it's you,  
obviously. But it's so amazing.

> > You should try it from where I'm sitting. ;-)

> I'm sure it must be upsetting, to look in a mirror and see someone  
else's face. Of course, maybe you'd gotten used to that?

It's only been a couple of days. Haven't got used to it yet. Though I have to go looking for a mirror -- I'm staying with Angel, and well, vampires don't decorate with a lot of mirrors.

But getting dressed -- and especially showering -- it's surreal. I feel like I should be doing it with my eyes shut or something, like I'm peeping on Cordelia. I'm sure I'll get over that eventually -- it's just going to take time to look at this body and not think it's someone else's.

Oh, my eyes are the same though. And that does help when I do look in the mirror -- least I see my own eyes.

> > > So you're telling me that you look like Cordelia now. That you're a  
woman instead of a man.

> > Pretty much. On the outside at least. I'm not sure exactly how I identify  
myself -- still tend to think in male pronouns and stuff. But it beats being  
dead, don't you think?

> I'm really, really glad you're back, Francis. I didn't like thinking  
about a world without you in it. Even if you look like someone else  
now, it's still a good thing.

You always knew how to make me smile.

Thanks, Harry, really. It means a lot to hear that.

> I can only hope there aren't any other surprises waiting for you. You  
have enough to adjust to.

From your mouth to the Powers That Be's ears

> > > It was hard when you died. Harder than I'd have thought it would be, if  
I'd thought about it. Us being apart, that was one thing, but you being  
dead... I hadn't counted on that.

> > I'm sorry.

> Oh, don't be sorry. When Angel and Cordelia told me what had happened,  
I was so proud of you. Very upset too, but really proud. I knew you had  
it in you. You can do anything you set your mind to.

If you had asked me before it happened, I never would have thought I had it in me. I wasn't a hero like Angel was, I didn't have it in me to make those kind of sacrifices. 'Cept I guess I did, when it came down to it and I had to make that decision.

Didn't mean I wasn't freaking terrified though.

And you're the first one I've admitted that to.

> > > I got married about two and a half years ago. His name's Thomas, and...  
he's a good man, Francis. I think you'd like him. He's kind, and sweet,  
and he's a clinical psychologist who works with children. He's really  
good with kids. Just like you.

> > As long as he makes you happy.

Well, that and he doesn't try to eat my brains...

> No, he's human. He understands about everything, but he's just a  
regular guy.

Have to say I'm relieved. Not that I'm not sure there are perfectly wonderful demons out there you could've been happy with -- me for instance, if I hadn't been so bent on being such a self-pitying mess -- but there's less chance of you running up against weirdness you didn't plan for. (Again me, for instance, or your new husband wanting to eat your former husband's brains.)

> He does make me happy.

Good. If he ever doesn't, he'll have me to answer to.

> > > And... we have a daughter. She just had her first birthday last month.  
She's beautiful, and when she smiles it just lights up the room. She's  
just starting to walk.

> She has blonde hair. Not very much of it though, not yet. For a while I  
was putting those little bows in her hair so that people would know she  
was a girl, but she kept pulling them out so I stopped. And she likes  
to swing at the park, and her favorite food is bananas.

Doesn't like all the finery and frippery huh? Just like her mom.

> Her name's Aisling. Aisling Frances O'Connor.

You... Oh. I'm not sure what to say.

Err... maybe I better make sure that the Frances bit is for me before I get all gushy over it.

> Is there some saying about once you go Irish, you never go back? There  
should be.

You really know how to stroke my ego, don't you darlin'?

Though with recent experience ... I could probably get behind such a saying myself.

> > > I hope you'll get to meet her.

> > I'd like that. A lot.

> Then we'll make plans to do that. I want to see you again, Francis,  
even if you look different from how I remember.

Just name the time and place.

> > > I hope none of this hurts too much to  
hear.

> > I'm glad you're happy. Really.

> I am happy. I hope you will be too, once you get settled.

Things on that front are looking quite hopeful.

> > > What are you going to do now? Is there anything I can do?

> > I'm still working on the what I want to do bit. Angel's been great. He  
and I...  
He's been great. Really.

> Is he easy to talk to? Does he really listen? What does he do when you  
get in a mood and just want to push everyone away?

He's very easy to talk to -- least I've always found him that way. I know not everybody does. And he's always been a good listener to me too -- even hearing the things I don't say.

I haven't actually got in a mood and pushed people away since I came back. Been too busy helping him come to terms with things and reassuring him that *he* can't push *me* away.

Though, when I think back to before I died... he was good about it -- wouldn't let me retreat, but wouldn't pressure me so much to open up that I'd shut right down. As a result, I was able to tell him things I wasn't able to tell anyone else.

> > As for what you can do, I've never been female before and you've been one all  
your life so if I have any questions....?

> Of *course.* You can ask me anything. You know that.

Thanks. I'm managing so far but I expect that there's going to be certain feminine things I'm going to be needing advice on.

Love,

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Hello Francis,

> > Did it hurt? Coming back to life, I mean? I can't even begin to imagine  
what it would be like to wake up in someone else's body, especially if  
they were the opposite sex.

> It didn't hurt. One minute I was... somewhere I can't remember, the next I was  
in the computer. Took me a while to figure out that's where I was. There was a  
bit of weirdness right before I got yanked from the computer and woke up in this  
body but no pain.

Lots of disorientation though, believe you me.

I'm glad it didn't hurt. After what happened when you died, it wouldn't be fair...

Don't you think some things should be fair?

> > I can't picture you as Cordelia. I just keeping thinking of you as YOU.

> I keep thinking of me as me, too. I mean, it doesn't feel any different than  
before, least till I run into one of the obvious differences -- like I glance  
down at something and do a double-take at having breasts. It's a bit weird  
hearing my voice now too because it's not my voice. It's Cordelia's. Just not  
with the American accent.

But I'm still me on the inside.

I'd never mistake you for anyone else. You still sound like you. Write like you. Use the same words.

> > I'm sure it must be upsetting, to look in a mirror and see someone  
else's face. Of course, maybe you'd gotten used to that?

> It's only been a couple of days. Haven't got used to it yet. Though I have to go  
looking for a mirror -- I'm staying with Angel, and well, vampires don't  
decorate with a lot of mirrors.

But getting dressed -- and especially showering -- it's surreal. I feel like I  
should be doing it with my eyes shut or something, like I'm peeping on Cordelia.  
I'm sure I'll get over that eventually -- it's just going to take time to look  
at this body and not think it's someone else's.

Oh, my eyes are the same though. And that does help when I do look in the  
mirror -- least I see my own eyes.

That's interesting, that your eyes are the same. I wonder why that happened?

> > I'm really, really glad you're back, Francis. I didn't like thinking  
about a world without you in it. Even if you look like someone else  
now, it's still a good thing.

> You always knew how to make me smile.

Thanks, Harry, really. It means a lot to hear that.

I wasn't saying it to make you smile, but I'm glad it did. It's true.

> > Oh, don't be sorry. When Angel and Cordelia told me what had happened,  
I was so proud of you. Very upset too, but really proud. I knew you had  
it in you. You can do anything you set your mind to.

> If you had asked me before it happened, I never would have thought I had it in  
me. I wasn't a hero like Angel was, I didn't have it in me to make those kind of  
sacrifices. 'Cept I guess I did, when it came down to it and I had to make that  
decision.

Didn't mean I wasn't freaking terrified though.

And you're the first one I've admitted that to. 

Anyone would be. It doesn't mean anything that you were. What means something is that you did what you did even though you were scared. There isn't any shame in admitting it. I'm sure Angel and Cordelia wouldn't think any less of you.

> > No, he's human. He understands about everything, but he's just a  
regular guy.

> Have to say I'm relieved. Not that I'm not sure there are perfectly wonderful  
demons out there you could've been happy with -- me for instance, if I hadn't  
been so bent on being such a self-pitying mess -- but there's less chance of you  
running up against weirdness you didn't plan for. (Again me, for instance, or  
your new husband wanting to eat your former husband's brains.)

Well you know I didn't go out and deliberately pick someone who was human just for that reason. We met and fell in love. That's all that matters. That's all that mattered to me before.

I'm sorry things happened between us the way they did, and it wasn't just you, it was me too.

> > He does make me happy.

> Good. If he ever doesn't, he'll have me to answer to.

You're sweet, but don't worry.

> And... we have a daughter. She just had her first birthday last month.  
She's beautiful, and when she smiles it just lights up the room. She's  
just starting to walk.

> > She has blonde hair. Not very much of it though, not yet. For a while I  
was putting those little bows in her hair so that people would know she  
was a girl, but she kept pulling them out so I stopped. And she likes  
to swing at the park, and her favorite food is bananas.

> Doesn't like all the finery and frippery huh? Just like her mom.

I guess so. I hadn't thought about it before, but you're right.

Sometimes it takes someone who's known you for a long time to point out something like that.

> > Her name's Aisling. Aisling Frances O'Connor.

> You... Oh. I'm not sure what to say.

Err... maybe I better make sure that the Frances bit is for me before I get all  
gushy over it.

Of course it is. Who else would it be for? And before you ask, yes, Thomas knows why, and he agreed with me that you were a good person to name our daughter after.

> > Is there some saying about once you go Irish, you never go back? There  
should be.

> You really know how to stroke my ego, don't you darlin'?

Though with recent experience ... I could probably get behind such a saying myself.

What do you mean? Are you... but you're a woman now. Are you saying you're having... romantic feelings for a man?

Or maybe I'm getting it all wrong.

> > Then we'll make plans to do that. I want to see you again, Francis,  
even if you look different from how I remember.

> Just name the time and place.

Whenever's good for you. Maybe you should give yourself a little time to get more settled, into your own place. I could bring her down to see you, if you wanted me to.

> > > I'm glad you're happy. Really.

> > I am happy. I hope you will be too, once you get settled.

> Things on that front are looking quite hopeful.

Tell me.

> > Is he easy to talk to? Does he really listen? What does he do when you  
get in a mood and just want to push everyone away?

> He's very easy to talk to -- least I've always found him that way. I know not  
everybody does. And he's always been a good listener to me too -- even hearing  
the things I don't say.

I haven't actually got in a mood and pushed people away since I came back. Been  
too busy helping him come to terms with things and reassuring him that *he*  
can't push *me* away.

Though, when I think back to before I died... he was good about it -- wouldn't  
let me retreat, but wouldn't pressure me so much to open up that I'd shut right  
down. As a result, I was able to tell him things I wasn't able to tell anyone  
else.

He sounds like a good friend. I'm glad. You deserve to have someone in your life who understands you.

> > Of *course.* You can ask me anything. You know that.

> Thanks. I'm managing so far but I expect that there's going to be certain  
feminine things I'm going to be needing advice on.

I'm happy to help in any way I can. Just let me know.

\- Harry

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry,

> > It didn't hurt. One minute I was... somewhere I can't remember, the next I was  
in the computer. Took me a while to figure out that's where I was. There was a  
bit of weirdness right before I got yanked from the computer and woke up in this  
body but no pain.

Lots of disorientation though, believe you me.

> I'm glad it didn't hurt. After what happened when you died, it wouldn't  
be fair...

Hey, I'm back. I'm alive again -- that's more than fair I think.

> Don't you think some things should be fair?

Same old Harry. Always wanting the universe to be fair.

That's always been one of your most endearing qualities.

> > But I'm still me on the inside.

> I'd never mistake you for anyone else. You still sound like you. Write  
like you. Use the same words.

In some ways, what happened before, when my demon side manifested, it prepared me for this. Well, as much as anyone can be prepared for this. I dealt really badly -- really, really badly -- with that identity crisis; I'm doing better this time. Partially because now I know that it won't change anything important about me that I don't let it change.

I'm sorry I let it change so much last time. I don't know if I ever told you that.

> > Oh, my eyes are the same though. And that does help when I do look in the  
mirror -- least I see my own eyes.

> That's interesting, that your eyes are the same. I wonder why that  
happened?

Have no idea. Magic is so not my bailiwick. Though the eyes being the window to the soul and it being my soul that's in this body...

Or it could just be the Powers way of keeping track of who is in what skin, I haven't a clue.

> > > I'm really, really glad you're back, Francis. I didn't like thinking  
about a world without you in it. Even if you look like someone else  
now, it's still a good thing.

> > You always knew how to make me smile.

Thanks, Harry, really. It means a lot to hear that.

> I wasn't saying it to make you smile, but I'm glad it did. It's true.

Always good to know that there's people that care out there.

> > If you had asked me before it happened, I never would have thought I had it in  
me. I wasn't a hero like Angel was, I didn't have it in me to make those kind of  
sacrifices. 'Cept I guess I did, when it came down to it and I had to make that  
decision.

Didn't mean I wasn't freaking terrified though.

And you're the first one I've admitted that to.

> Anyone would be. It doesn't mean anything that you were. What means  
something is that you did what you did even though you were scared.  
There isn't any shame in admitting it. I'm sure Angel and Cordelia  
wouldn't think any less of you.

Yeah, I know.

It's just... it's different talking about it with Angel. Every time it comes up, he gets all glowery and intense and pretty much the conversation devolves into him telling me I'm never to do something like that again.

> Well you know I didn't go out and deliberately pick someone who was  
human just for that reason. We met and fell in love. That's all that  
matters. That's all that mattered to me before.

I know. I just forgot for a bit -- back when I really needed to remember it the most.

> I'm sorry things happened between us the way they did, and it wasn't  
just you, it was me too.

It was mostly me though. If I'd been faster with coming to terms with what I am -- or was? am -- maybe...

As it was I don't think I really did that until right before I died. When Cordelia found out and pretty much made it clear it was a non-issue and asked me to ask her out.

> > > He does make me happy.

> > Good. If he ever doesn't, he'll have me to answer to.

> You're sweet, but don't worry.

You already had a husband that made you unhappy -- he's not allowed to do that.

> > Doesn't like all the finery and frippery huh? Just like her mom.

> I guess so. I hadn't thought about it before, but you're right.

Sometimes it takes someone who's known you for a long time to point out  
something like that.

Or someone who spent way too much time thinking about children we'd never had.

Sorry. That was...

I really wanted you to have my children, y'know. Used to think about it a lot after we separated. About what could've been if I hadn't discovered my heritage. I always fancied our daughter -- your daughter -- as a feisty little blonde tomboy.

Guess I wasn't far off. Cept for the part where I'm going to have to play Uncle instead of Daddy.

Or I guess that's Aunt now.

> > > Her name's Aisling. Aisling Frances O'Connor.

> > You... Oh. I'm not sure what to say.

Err... maybe I better make sure that the Frances bit is for me before  
I get all gushy over it.

> Of course it is. Who else would it be for? And before you ask, yes,  
Thomas knows why, and he agreed with me that you were a good person to  
name our daughter after.

Okay, getting all gushy now. :-D

> > > Is there some saying about once you go Irish, you never go back? There  
should be.

> > You really know how to stroke my ego, don't you darlin'?

Though with recent experience ... I could probably get behind such a saying  
myself.

> What do you mean? Are you... but you're a woman now. Are you saying  
you're having... romantic feelings for a man?

Or maybe I'm getting it all wrong.

No, you're not getting it all wrong.

And I had romantic feelings for a man - this man - before I ended up in this body.

> > > Then we'll make plans to do that. I want to see you again, Francis,  
even if you look different from how I remember.

> > Just name the time and place.

> Whenever's good for you. Maybe you should give yourself a little time  
to get more settled, into your own place. I could bring her down to see  
you, if you wanted me to.

There's some messy things I'm helping mediate right now. That's probably going to be taking up my time for the next few days at least. Maybe next week sometime?

> > > > I'm glad you're happy. Really.

> > > I am happy. I hope you will be too, once you get settled.

> > Things on that front are looking quite hopeful.

> Tell me.

I can see where I'm needed here. What I do best -- what I was starting to realise I do best before -- listening and talking, telling people what they need to hear, even if it's not what they want to hear -- it's what's really needed around here.

More than that, I'm wanted. Desperately, if that's not stressing the point too much.

Being needed and wanted, that's the start of finding a place where you fit. Can't ask for much more.

> He sounds like a good friend. I'm glad. You deserve to have someone in  
your life who understands you.

Angel does. As much as anyone can understand someone else.

And... err... he's not just a good friend.

Have I mentioned that Angel's originally from Ireland?

> > > Of *course.* You can ask me anything. You know that.

> > Thanks. I'm managing so far but I expect that there's going to be certain  
feminine things I'm going to be needing advice on.

> I'm happy to help in any way I can. Just let me know.

When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing?

Love,

Francis

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > > We've all done -- or not done -- things that we regret. The only thing  
we can do is try to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to do better  
in the future.

> > Good advice.

> Yes, I'm rather good at dispensing it, as you can see. Taking it myself  
is another matter entirely. 

Least you realise that. That's the first step.

> > > And it's good that you learned to accept yourself for who you are. I  
suppose there's a bit more of that to do now that things have changed  
for you again.

> > Yeah. Things are easier the second time around though.

> Good. I'm glad you're handling this so well. I don't believe I would  
be, were I in your shoes.

It's quite possible I just haven't had time to have a breakdown or anything yet. I'll let you know.

> > > I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit.

> > You are. You're a little less annoyingly stubborn than him though.

> Was that a compliment?

Yes.

> > > If it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, educational in what ways?

> > In how... certain reactions and actions are different in a female body  
than a male's.

> *Oh.*

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I certainly don't expect you to  
share... personal, private things of that nature.

I apologize.

Don't worry about it. Certainly not something I'm ashamed of or anything.

Though yeah, maybe don't want to share any details.

Things seem all to be in working order though.

> > Yeah, I get that. We'll see what we can do to get you two back to being  
comfortable with each other.

> From where I'm standing, your help so far has been instrumental, and  
I'd be grateful for any further assistance. It's more important to me  
than I'd like to admit, that Angel and I repair this rift between us. 

I want to see the two of you do that. He doesn't have many people he lets close; he can't afford to lose any.

> > > I do find myself admitting the most difficult things to you.

> > I'm glad you feel like you can.

> You're very easy to talk to.

Thanks. I try.

> > Just, whatever is in your mind. Whatever words that pop in there. We can sort it  
out, once it's in the open.

> I'm tired of feeling guilty and not completely understanding why.

Is that open enough for you?

Yeah. I... There's some things we need to discuss. Hopefully that'll help.

> > In my head, I'm still "he". Don't know if that's going to change.

> It doesn't have to. People who care about you will make the effort to  
understand.

That's a good motto to remember. It applies to you too, y'know.

> > > > And tomorrow afternoon sounds great.

> > > I could pick you up at the hotel? At noon?

> > Sounds good.

> Excellent.

Actually, I have some things I need to talk to you about and it might be better to do it in private. Maybe you can pick up the food and bring it back here?

> > It used to. Still trying to work out if my old tastes hold or if I got  
Cordelia's tastes now.

You can help me experiment.

> Oh, I hadn't thought about that. Have you discovered anything so far?  
Things that you used to like that you no longer seem to care for, that  
sort of thing?

Cordelia liked the biryani, either chicken or vegetable. She wasn't  
fond of lamb.

I'll leave the food selection up to you.

> > > > Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul.

> > > Yes, well. Clearly we don't see eye to eye on this issue.

You don't know...

> > I know more than you might think.

> Oh. Angel's been telling you his side of the story, has he? I'd like to  
think that it didn't differ too much from my version, as I did try to  
be as fair as possible.

We can discuss it at lunch. There's some things that shouldn't be said in an email.

> > > > Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia.

> > > I'd like to hear that long story, and anything else you'd like to tell  
me.

> > I can regale you with the whole sorry tale over lunch tomorrow.

> You needn't, if you'd prefer not to. We can talk about anything you  
like.

I'll be glad to share the story about the bachelor party from hell.

> > > You must miss Cordelia terribly. You and she were... well, I was under  
the impression that perhaps she had more than just friendly feelings  
for you when you died.

> > I do miss her. She was... well special.

We never really got beyond friends -- we'd just made our first date  
when I...

> I'm sorry.

If you want to change the subject at any time, I completely understand.

It's okay. I want to remember Cordelia and that involves sharing the memories.

> > No, that's okay. Gives me something else I can ask her when I get up  
the nerve to contact her.

> You haven't contacted her yet?

Not that you should do so until you're ready, of course. It must be  
rather intimidating.

It was a bit of a leap of faith that first email, but yeah I've contacted her now. She's... It's good. We're talking like we did in the old days.

> > > Would you feel it was a betrayal of his confidence if I were to ask  
you to tell me, candidly, how he feels about me?

> > No it wouldn't. Let me gather some data and I'll answer the question  
for you.

> Thank you. It would be reassuring to know, assuming, of course, there's  
anything reassuring about his feelings.

He cares, Wesley. Above all else you have to remember that. He respects you and thinks you're smart and dedicated and that you'll always do what you think is right.

The rest... we'll talk about at lunch, okay? Just remember that Angel does care about you.

And so do I.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > Yes, I'm rather good at dispensing it, as you can see. Taking it myself  
is another matter entirely.

> Least you realise that. That's the first step.

I suppose so. I may need someone to point out when I'm being unreasonable.

> > Good. I'm glad you're handling this so well. I don't believe I would  
be, were I in your shoes. 

> It's quite possible I just haven't had time to have a breakdown or anything yet.  
I'll let you know.

Please do. I'm more than willing to help in any way I can.

> > > > I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit.

> > > You are. You're a little less annoyingly stubborn than him though.

> > Was that a compliment?

> Yes.

Thank you?

> > > In how... certain reactions and actions are different in a female body  
than a male's.

> > *Oh.*

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I certainly don't expect you to  
share... personal, private things of that nature.

I apologize.

> Don't worry about it. Certainly not something I'm ashamed of or anything.

Though yeah, maybe don't want to share any details.

Things seem all to be in working order though.

That's... good to know.

And Angel's not... concerned?

> > From where I'm standing, your help so far has been instrumental, and  
I'd be grateful for any further assistance. It's more important to me  
than I'd like to admit, that Angel and I repair this rift between us.

> I want to see the two of you do that. He doesn't have many people he lets close;  
he can't afford to lose any.

Neither can I.

> > I'm tired of feeling guilty and not completely understanding why.

Is that open enough for you? 

> Yeah. I... There's some things we need to discuss. Hopefully that'll help.

You think you can convince me not to feel guilty?

> > > In my head, I'm still "he". Don't know if that's going to change.

> > It doesn't have to. People who care about you will make the effort to  
understand.

> That's a good motto to remember. It applies to you too, y'know.

Yes, well. Again, I remind you that I am better at dispensing advice than taking it.

> Actually, I have some things I need to talk to you about and it might be better  
to do it in private. Maybe you can pick up the food and bring it back here?

Certainly, I'm more than happy to do that, if it's what you'd prefer. You do have me rather curious about what it is that requires such secrecy.

> > Oh, I hadn't thought about that. Have you discovered anything so far?  
Things that you used to like that you no longer seem to care for, that  
sort of thing?

Cordelia liked the biryani, either chicken or vegetable. She wasn't  
fond of lamb.

> I'll leave the food selection up to you.

Then I'll *get* a selection, and we'll see where your preferences lie.

> > Oh. Angel's been telling you his side of the story, has he? I'd like to  
think that it didn't differ too much from my version, as I did try to  
be as fair as possible.

> We can discuss it at lunch. There's some things that shouldn't be said in an  
email.

All right. I can certainly respect the desire to be discreet.

> > You needn't, if you'd prefer not to. We can talk about anything you  
like.

> I'll be glad to share the story about the bachelor party from hell.

I'll be sure to remind you that I want to hear it.

> > If you want to change the subject at any time, I completely understand.

> It's okay. I want to remember Cordelia and that involves sharing the memories.

At least we know that she's safe, and relatively happy. She chose her path. It's more than many people can do.

> > You haven't contacted her yet?

Not that you should do so until you're ready, of course. It must be  
rather intimidating.

> It was a bit of a leap of faith that first email, but yeah I've contacted her  
now. She's... It's good. We're talking like we did in the old days.

I'm glad. And she's comfortable with the situation?

> > Thank you. It would be reassuring to know, assuming, of course, there's  
anything reassuring about his feelings.

> He cares, Wesley. Above all else you have to remember that. He respects you and  
thinks you're smart and dedicated and that you'll always do what you think is  
right.

The rest... we'll talk about at lunch, okay? Just remember that Angel does care  
about you.

And so do I.

All right. I'll do my best not to work myself into knots about it all before then, shall I?

I'll see you in a little while.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel,

> > > Depends on who things are wrong for. Because yeah, I could see you  
keeping quiet about something that was bothering you if you thought  
it'd upset me or something.

> > I wouldn't do that.

And even if I did, when haven't you been able to see through me?

> You're not as transparent as you think, you know. Especially not... now.

Oh.

The whole wrong person in the wrong body throwing you off?

> > > A little too good for sleeping maybe. You'll have to wear me out every  
night if you want to do that.

> > Like we haven't been doing that regardless. :-)

> Well yeah, but we might not keep up to this pace.

Is that a challenge? >;-)

> > > I'm not going to. I'm gonna be here no matter what.

> > You do know I'm going to hold ya to that, right?

> You won't have to. I'm not going anywhere.

Good.

> > You haven't made any mistakes in the bedroom yet.

> Good to know. I mean, I'm not saying I have no idea what I'm doing...  
I've been around long enough that I like to think I know my way around  
a... well, woman's body. But still, different people have different  
taste. In bed.

Yeah. And this is involving me learning a whole new menu of tastes. And I'm not talking about pizza.

> > > I don't do it for the thanks.

> > Just the warm satisfaction of helping me acquire knowledge?

> Exactly.

Plus I like that breathy little moan thing you do.

What breathy little moan thing?

> > > What's with the purple, anyway? Are you some kind of color fetishist? 

> > It was the first outrageous colour that popped into my head when I  
needed a threat for you.

> I can't say it didn't work, but geez. Get over it. Joke's not funny the  
millionth time around, you know?

I wasn't the one who brought it up this time, remember.

> Um, I'm kidding. About the joking thing, not the hair.

Uh huh.

> Kind of.

Uh huh.

> > This is the first step to both of you being able to come to terms with what  
happened and forgiving each other.

> Yeah. We'll see.

It'll work out okay, Angel. I promise.

> > > No, I know. It's just a lot to take in.

> > Yeah, it is. But I'm hoping the fact that this will make his feelings make sense  
will help it sink in.

> I'm hoping too.

I emailed him, asking if we could eat at the hotel so we could talk in private.

> > > Well okay, I am, but not about what you're going to do.

> > Just that it's going to be done, huh?

> Yeah.

You'll let me know? As soon as it's done, I mean.

I will. I can email... or would you like me to call you?

> > > And... if you get there, to lunch, and it's too hard to do it, I'll  
understand that too.

> > I'm not going to back out, Angel. I promise. 

> You don't have to. Promise. But thanks.

I'll do anything I can to help the two of you.

> Love you. No matter what.

Yeah. Love you too.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > And even if I did, when haven't you been able to see through me?

> > You're not as transparent as you think, you know. Especially not... now.

> Oh.

The whole wrong person in the wrong body throwing you off?

No. Actually, that was my whole point. You're easier to read now. Cordy's face is pretty expressive, even with you in charge of it.

> > > > A little too good for sleeping maybe. You'll have to wear me out every  
night if you want to do that.

> > > Like we haven't been doing that regardless. :-)

> > Well yeah, but we might not keep up to this pace.

> Is that a challenge? >;-)

Um... it wasn't, but you can consider it one if you want to. Could be fun.

> > Good to know. I mean, I'm not saying I have no idea what I'm doing...  
I've been around long enough that I like to think I know my way around  
a... well, woman's body. But still, different people have different  
taste. In bed.

> Yeah. And this is involving me learning a whole new menu of tastes. And I'm not  
talking about pizza. 

Uh huh. Well, like I said, we can play around as much as you want to. If it ever goes too far, you just say the word.

> > Plus I like that breathy little moan thing you do.

> What breathy little moan thing?

You know, that thing. When you're getting all worked up, and you start sounding like you're so fucking turned on you can't stand it. Makes me crazy.

> > I can't say it didn't work, but geez. Get over it. Joke's not funny the  
millionth time around, you know?

> I wasn't the one who brought it up this time, remember.

Oh. Um, okay, fair enough.

> > Um, I'm kidding. About the joking thing, not the hair.

> Uh huh.

> > Kind of.

> Uh huh.

You really like torturing me, don't you.

> > > This is the first step to both of you being able to come to terms with what  
happened and forgiving each other.

> > Yeah. We'll see.

> It'll work out okay, Angel. I promise.

Don't promise. Not because I don't trust you, just because it's not the kind of thing you can make promises about.

> I emailed him, asking if we could eat at the hotel so we could talk in private.

Good idea. Not the kind of thing you want to hear about in the middle of a restaurant.

> > You'll let me know? As soon as it's done, I mean.

> I will. I can email... or would you like me to call you?

Either one's fine.

Good luck. I hope he takes it okay. I hope it's not too bad.

Thanks, Doyle.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel,

> > The whole wrong person in the wrong body throwing you off?

> No. Actually, that was my whole point. You're easier to read now.  
Cordy's face is pretty expressive, even with you in charge of it.

I'm a pretty expressive kinda person.

> > > > > A little too good for sleeping maybe. You'll have to wear me out every  
night if you want to do that.

> > > > Like we haven't been doing that regardless. :-)

> > > Well yeah, but we might not keep up to this pace.

> > Is that a challenge? >;-)

> Um... it wasn't, but you can consider it one if you want to. Could be fun.

I'm sure it will be. Having you touch me is... I'm not sure I've words to properly describe it.

But fun would be in there somewhere.

> > > Good to know. I mean, I'm not saying I have no idea what I'm doing...  
I've been around long enough that I like to think I know my way around  
a... well, woman's body. But still, different people have different  
taste. In bed.

> > Yeah. And this is involving me learning a whole new menu of tastes.  
And I'm not talking about pizza.

> Uh huh. Well, like I said, we can play around as much as you want to.  
If it ever goes too far, you just say the word. 

I will. Of course I will. Though the way you get so into me when we're together, wouldn't surprise me if you knew before I did.

> > > Plus I like that breathy little moan thing you do.

> > What breathy little moan thing?

> You know, that thing. When you're getting all worked up, and you start  
sounding like you're so fucking turned on you can't stand it. Makes me  
crazy.

You'll have to point it out to me tonight. Just so I know what sound you're referring to.

> > > Um, I'm kidding. About the joking thing, not the hair.

> > Uh huh.

> > > Kind of.

> > Uh huh.

> You really like torturing me, don't you.

Yeah, pretty much.

Love you.

> > It'll work out okay, Angel. I promise.

> Don't promise. Not because I don't trust you, just because it's not the  
kind of thing you can make promises about.

I'm going to do everything in my power to keep that promise I'm not making, then.

> > I emailed him, asking if we could eat at the hotel so we could talk in  
private.

> Good idea. Not the kind of thing you want to hear about in the middle  
of a restaurant.

I want him to feel comfortable enough to have whatever reaction he wants and not worrying about frightening the waiter.

> > > You'll let me know? As soon as it's done, I mean.

> > I will. I can email... or would you like me to call you? 

> Either one's fine.

I'll call. Somehow I think you might want to hear my voice.

> Good luck. I hope he takes it okay. I hope it's not too bad.

He's here now, so I have to go. I'll break it as gently as I can.

> Thanks, Doyle.

Any time, Angel. You know that.

Doyle


	19. Chapter 19

It felt wrong somehow, going back into the hotel. The place where Lilah had died.

Angel's place.

Still, Wesley was determined not to let the situation put him off of what he'd said he'd do -- namely, meeting Doyle for lunch. He went through the doors with more confidence than he felt, then paused and listened.

"Doyle?" he called, not very loudly, although it sounded loud in the rather empty lobby.

"In here!" Doyle's voice -- Cordelia's voice with a strange accent -- came from the direction of Angel's office. A second later Doyle himself appeared in the doorway.

Wesley gestured as best he could with both arms wrapped around paper bags full of take-away food, then glanced down at them. "I, er, may have gotten a bit carried away," he admitted.

Doyle chuckled -- and it was most definitely Doyle who came forward to help take some of the bags from him. He might have been wearing Cordelia's body, but the way he moved, the way he reacted... Wesley found he had no trouble recognising that this wasn't Cordelia standing in front of him. "No such thing when it comes to good take away. Just means you have more leftovers for future meals. Or science experiments involving new and interestingly coloured moulds."

"It never occurred to me that those might be a good thing." Wesley shifted the bags he was still holding and raised an eyebrow. "Where would you like to eat?"

"We can go upstairs to the suite," Doyle said, heading for the stairs, then pausing and looking back over his shoulder at Wesley. "Or we could eat down here if that would be more comfortable for you?"

Wesley hesitated, immediately aware that the hesitation was answer enough. "Perhaps down here would be... better."

"Right." Doyle reversed his course. "In the office then?"

Following Doyle, Wesley set his bags down on the desk and started to open one. "I wasn't sure what to get, which is probably why I ended up getting so much."

"It's not a problem. What is it that they say -- variety is the spice of life?" Doyle grinned and sat down, gesturing for Wesley to do the same.

Wesley perched himself on the edge of the nearest chair, not feeling quite relaxed yet, and pulled out some foil-wrapped packages. "These are... some different kinds of bread. I doubt my ability to identify them by sight, unfortunately."

"I'm an adventurous sort. Mystery bread holds no fear for me."

"Good to know." He reached into the bag again and brought out a styrofoam container. "And this would be... tandoori... something."

Doyle chuckled and reached for the container. "Sounds like as good a place as any to start."

Wesley opened a foil package and peeled off a thin round of bread, then took a bite thoughtfully. "So.. how are you?"

"I'm good. Really. Not that there haven't been some challenges -- most of them having to do with Cordelia's wardrobe." Doyle met his eyes and smiled. "Thanks for your part in getting me back here."

"I wish I could have done more," Wesley said truthfully.

"Yeah, well considering what you were planning as the more, I'm glad you didn't."

"I can't say part of me isn't thankful that it wasn't necessary. I'm just glad you seem to be adjusting as well as you are."

Doyle shrugged. "I try to roll with the punches nowadays. Easier for everybody in the long run." He took another bite then looked at Wesley speculatively. "Speaking of rolling with the punches, I hope you'll take that philosophy in this conversation."

"That... doesn't give me a lot of hope for this going well," Wesley said, easing back in his chair a little bit.

"I dunno. Really depends on how you take what I have to say."

Wesley's first reaction to this was concern that Angel had asked Doyle to tell him that he wanted him gone, but he tried to reassure himself that if Angel had something to say, he'd say it himself. "I'm listening," he said cautiously.

"You remember me telling you about how Angel gave up being human and erasing the day from everybody's memories?"

"Yes." Wesley took a bite of basmati rice, more because he thought he ought to than because he wanted it.

Doyle took a deep breath. "That wasn't the only time he's made a deal that changed people's memories."

It was clear that this was meant to be a revelation of some sort, so Wesley played it over in his mind carefully. "You're telling me that he's done it again. And the reason that you're telling me is...?"

"Because it involves you this time. You and everyone else, but it seems to have hit you hardest." Doyle looked down at his tandoori, then up again, meeting and holding Wesley's eyes. "He had his son erased from everyone's memory."

"His... what?" Wesley's stomach did a little flip, reminding him why eating might not have been such a good idea. He made a mental note to listen to his body more carefully in the future. "Angel doesn't have a... Doyle, he's a *vampire.*"

"I know. Don't ask me how, but he had a son. With Darla."

"Also a vampire," Wesley said pointedly.

Doyle shrugged. "I'm a dead male half-brachen demon now in the body of a human woman. Or possibly a demon woman -- not quite sure about that. Weird shit happens. I may not have been here, but the way Angel talks about him... Connor's real."

The name washed over Wesley, familiar in a way that cut deep. It was, he thought faintly, as if someone had upended a bucket of bleach over his head. It stung and burned but managed to cleanse at the same time.

As if from a great distance he heard Doyle's voice asking if he was all right.

His hands were on the edge of the desktop, holding on, and Doyle's hand was on his back comfortingly. Wesley managed to let go and stand up straighter, not having noticed until that moment that he'd stood up in the first place. "I'm all right," he said, not sure it was true. There were all sorts of things running through his head, and he wasn't sure which of them were true either. Lowering himself back down into his chair, he said, "I think... I'm remembering. But this can't be right. Can it?"

"What are you remembering?" Doyle asked softly, sitting back down too, eyes on him.

"It's all muddled." Wesley shook his head slightly, his gaze on the floor. "Like layers of memories. Like having two sets of memories at the same time." He looked up at Doyle, forcing a smile and a light tone of voice. "I suppose this is what happens when good spells go bad."

"Or when the truth breaks through illusion," Doyle said wryly.

"That *is* what it was? A spell?" There was no other explanation for it really.

Doyle shrugged. "I never asked for the details. It'd have to have been magic though, wouldn't it?"  
One of the new -- old --- memories hit Wesley. "I took his son," he said, fresh horror sweeping over him. "Dear lord. No wonder..."  
No wonder Angel had tried to kill him.  
"You were trying to save them both. Angel told me."

"For all the good it did." Wesley wasn't sure he was allowed to feel bitter about something that had happened in what seemed to be another reality.

Doyle touched him gently on the shoulder. "You did the best you knew at the time. Intent does count for a lot."

He was still trying to sort through which memories belonged where. Some kind of memory-sifting device would have come in useful. He knew he was being overly flippant, even in his own head, but it seemed the best way to deal with something that was, when it came right down to it, nearly impossible to deal with. "Why tell me? Why now?"

"You said you were tired of feeling guilty and not knowing why," Doyle said softly.

"Oh." Wesley felt the need to get up and pace a bit, so he went with it. "And he knows? Angel? That you told me. Were going to tell me."

Doyle stayed where he was, only his eyes following Wesley's movements. "He knows. He asked me to tell you because he was afraid that he'd mess it up somehow."

Wesley laughed, aware that he sounded rather hysterical. "And why on earth would he think that?"

"He's Angel."

He remembered waking up from a dream that had flowed with Connor's blood, convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that Angel was going to kill his son.

He remembered Justine cutting his throat and leaving him for dead after prying Connor from his arms.

Wesley's hand flew to his throat, tracing the thin scar tissue there. He remembered both times he'd gotten it. "They did a very thorough job, didn't they."

"It seems that way." Doyle's voice had been sympathetic all along; it seemed even more so now. "It was part of the deal Angel made to take over Wolfram and Hart. No one remembers Connor ever existed, including Connor -- he's wiped from everyone's memories and given a normal, happy life somewhere else. And Angel's the only one who remembers."

"Where is he?" Wesley whispered.

"Connor? I don't know. I offered at one point when I was still in the computer system to see if I could find information on him -- maybe a picture, something for Angel to hold on to. To say he freaked wouldn't be an understatement."

"He doesn't have anything?" It sounded unbelievably sad, said out loud.

Doyle shook his head. "Just his memories."

"And he was perfectly comfortable taking those memories away from the rest of us. Leaving us with false ones."

"He took the memories away from everyone because he didn't want anyone else to have to deal with the loss." The sympathy was still in Doyle's voice, but Wesley knew that now it was for Angel. "He wanted to carry the burden alone."

"You want me to feel sorry for him," Wesley said, his own voice hard.

"I want you to understand what he thought he was doing," Doyle said sharply.

"Taking away *reality?*" Wesley was pacing again. "Exactly who did he think he was benefiting by doing that?"

"His son."

He stopped. Breathed. Tried to think with something other than sheer adrenaline. "Of course," Wesley said finally, quietly, almost to himself. "Of course. I would have done the same."

"You did," Doyle told him. "You gave up everything in an effort to save Connor, carrying that weight alone." He smiled just a bit. "You and Angel are very much alike where it matters."

"And here you are, thrown back into the fray and dealing with situations you had no hand in making," Wesley said to the other man. He went over and sat back down, rather heavily. "How did you think I was going to react?"

Doyle tilted his head as he regarded Wesley. "Honestly? Pretty much the way you have."

"I'm not sure whether to be pleased or upset," Wesley admitted. "Er, about you anticipating my reaction, I mean."

"Fondly exasperated seems to work for Angel," Doyle offered.

Wesley chuckled, the sound escaping him before he'd even realized it was there. "Yes, I suppose that does work."

"So are you okay with this?"

"I don't really have any options, do I." Wesley smiled so that Doyle would know that he was -- mostly -- joking. "What about the others?"

Doyle shook his head. "I don't think Angel's ready to even consider telling anybody else. He's afraid that the whole spell could unravel and Connor could lose whatever life he's got now."

"So it's just the three of us, for now." Wesley felt surprisingly energized, as if understanding why he'd been so out of sorts had freed him somehow.

"Yeah. You, me and Angel." Doyle gave him a half smile. "Think you can handle that?"

"If you can handle living in Cordelia's body, I suppose I can handle knowing the truth." Wesley considered this for a moment. "I may have... questions, though. Do you think Angel would be...?"

"Yeah. If you have any problems with him, just come to me." This time Doyle's smile was bright and wide. "I'll play go-between. But I don't think you'll need to."

"I just... I mean, if he wasn't comfortable discussing it with me now, what makes you think he'll be willing in the future?"

Doyle's expression and manner turned serious. "Because he needs someone to talk about his son with. He can talk to me but I don't know -- don't remember -- I just know what he tells me. You remember Connor. He needs that."

"And... you're sure that it's me he wants to talk about this with?" Wesley wanted to believe that it was true, but he was having a difficult time with it.

"I'm sure it's you he *needs* to talk about this with," Doyle replied.

"Why?" Wesley asked. "Why me? Wouldn't it have been easier for him to have told Fred? Or Lorne?"

Doyle was quiet for a moment, looking at him. Finally he said, "If you were him, wouldn't you want to talk to the one person who had been willing to risk everything for your son?"

"I think I'd probably prefer not to have to look at the person who'd lost him," Wesley said.

"You have issues to deal with, yeah," Doyle acknowledged, "but that's just all the more reason for it to be you. Neither of you could deal with them if you didn't remember."

Wesley opened up another container -- this one was some type of curry, but for the life of him he couldn't recall what kind -- and poked at it with his plastic fork. The memory of holding Connor -- the baby Connor had once been -- in his arms was strong. And painful. "You don't know where he is," he said finally, glancing up. "Do you know... is he all right?"

"Yeah. Angel got to see him once. And that was part of the deal. Connor gets a happy life."

"And telling me won't... negate that in any way?"

Doyle shook his head. "It shouldn't."

"Shouldn't?" Troubled, Wesley set his food back down. "Are you sure?"

"Do I have a document signed in triplicate and notarized stating that it won't?" Doyle shook his head. "No. But I'm pretty sure."

"I suppose it's too late now in any case."

"You've got a real fatalistic bent, don't you?"

"Wouldn't you?" Wesley sighed. "No, of course you wouldn't."

"Been there, done that, own the t-shirt," Doyle said wryly. "I changed. And I don't mean just bodies."

Wesley sat back in his chair, glad for the chance to change the subject. "Tell me?"

"About the lowest time of my life?" Doyle moved back into his own chair, giving Wesley a rueful look. "Or about how it got better?"

"You don't have to share anything that you aren't comfortable sharing," Wesley said. "But I'd like to know how you changed."

Doyle gave a half shrug and gestured at his head. "First, I got the visions. At the time, I thought it was a punishment, and it probably was, in some ways. But the visions forced me to start looking outside myself and helping others. And they led me to Angel."

"And they were one of the reasons I stayed," Wesley mused, tilting his head to one side. "The fact that Cordelia had them, I mean. That the Powers That Be thought Angel valuable enough to give him a... guide, some direction on his path..."

"Angel guided me as much as I guided him." He smiled a little at Wesley. "Everyone needs a little guidance sometimes. The trick is to recognize it when it's given."

"You're really very irritating, you know that, don't you?" Wesley smiled back to show that he wasn't being serious.

"It's one of my most endearing qualities," Doyle replied in kind.

"It's also a bit of a relief," Wesley admitted. "Her ability to be irritating *not* being one of Cordelia's most endearing qualities."

"Yeah, she could cut a man off at the knees," Doyle said fondly.

Wesley looked down at his hands. "Regardless... I miss her. Even if..."

"Me too."

He searched around for a change of topic again, hoping to come up with something that they'd both be comfortable with. But in the end, he asked, rather awkwardly, "So things between you and Angel are... good?"

The smile that question got lit up not only Doyle's face but quite possibly the entire room as well. "Good would be an understatement. *Great* would be an understatement."

Just looking at Doyle made Wesley feel better. "I'm glad," he said. "Well, as you say... glad would be an understatement."

"When I lost Harry, I never thought I'd find..." Doyle trailed off with a sheepish shrug. "And you really don't need to hear me start sounding like a bad romance novel."

"I don't mind," Wesley said, although honestly he wasn't sure that was the truth. "It's perfectly natural to want to... express how you feel, about something like that."

"I'll save it and express it to Angel later. He needs the constant reassurance."

"Really?" Wesley thought about it for a second or two. "All right, I suppose I can believe that."

"He's afraid something bad's going to happen all the time because he doesn't think he deserves anything good," Doyle explained, picking up another carton of food to try.

Wesley's heart felt heavy with sorrow and grief. "He was so happy when Connor was born, despite the fact that Darla didn't survive. The way he looked at Connor, the way he held him... the expression on his face... it was as if nothing else in the world mattered."

He saw Doyle's hand tighten, saw the carton start to crumple. "It's not fair."

"No, it's not," Wesley reached over and closed his own fingers around Doyle's, not sure if he was rescuing the container or offering comfort.

Doyle didn't look up, though he let Wesley take his hand. "Harry said that in her last email -- that things should be fair. I told her that considering I was getting a second chance at life I couldn't really complain about fair." He sighed. "I'd give it all back if it meant that Angel could have his son back."

"So would I," Wesley said. "If there were a way to undo what I did..."

Doyle looked up sharply. "This isn't -- I'm not trying to blame you. I don't think -- The way things happened, I don't know if Angel wasn't right about there being no way he could have kept him."

"I know," Wesley lied. "I'm just saying... it's *not* fair. After all he's done to atone, it doesn't seem right that he couldn't keep his son."

"It's the way his mind thinks though -- when making the deal, he didn't ask for a second chance *with* Connor, just a second chance for Connor."

"So the real question is... is there a way to convince him otherwise." Wesley realized his hand was still touching Doyle's, and drew back quickly. Cordelia's hand was... *Doyle's* hand was so much smaller than his own. There were moments he almost forgot that this wasn't her.

"Yeah. I'm trying the repeated declarations of same coupled with the fact I'm still here and not going anywhere." Doyle shrugged. "It's going to be a long campaign."

Wesley tried an encouraging smile. "You seem a determined sort. I'm sure you'll wear him down sooner or later."

"I'll do my best."

"If..." Wesley hesitated, then plowed ahead. "If there's any way that I could help...?"

Doyle gave him a smile. "Talk to him. Be his friend. Don't let him push you away."

"There may be times when he *needs* to push me away." Not to mention, Wesley thought, times when he himself might prefer to be given some space, considering everything that had happened.

"There's a difference between giving space and walking away," Doyle said, as if reading his mind.

"I haven't walked away," Wesley protested mildly. "And you really have to do stop doing that. It's very disconcerting."

Doyle gave an apologetic shrug and smile.

Wesley could see why Angel was so enamored. There was something about Doyle that drew him out in spite of himself. "You really should eat some more. Has Angel been feeding you properly?"

"He tries," Doyle said, picking up another carton and peering into it curiously. "We keep stopping so I can eat and then getting distracted. Again." He shot Wesley a slightly mischievous smile. "Not that you'll hear me complaining."

"Yes. Well. That's..." Wesley could feel himself blushing.

Doyle chuckled as he dug into the new carton of food. "Don't worry. I'm not going to inflict any details on you."

"Thank you."

"Any time." The mischievous grin was back. "Unless you ask me to."

"I think it's safe to say that's not going to happen."

"How about I tell you about the bachelor party from hell instead then?"

Wesley smiled. "Oh good. I was hoping I'd get to hear about that."

"Well," Doyle began, "it all started when my ex Harry showed up at the office with a new fiance..."

* * * * *

 

"Hello?"

"Hi lover. How was your meeting?"

"Okay, other than the whole not-really-paying-attention thing. Which, remind me, has a tendency to bite me on the ass. How... how was yours?"

"Good. Wesley brought enough food to feed a small army; somehow we managed to polish off most of it." Doyle paused. "I told him."

Angel's voice was painfully tight. "And?"

"He remembers now. Actually *remembers* -- not just what I told him."

"*And*?"

"He's reeling a bit. But after the first confusion, his biggest worry was Connor."

"Yeah." A deep breath. "Yeah, it would be. But... what about...?"

"He understands why you did it, Angel. He was angry, but he understands."

"He doesn't... you know. Hate me?"

"Of course not. He is a little worried about you hating him though."

"I don't hate him. You know I don't hate him." Pause. "Why doesn't he know that?"

Doyle sighed. "Maybe because Wesley hates himself for losing Connor."

"He was trying to do the right thing."

"Yeah, but he's stubborn. Thinks he has to be perfect. Failure is not an option and all that. Kinda like someone else I could name."

Quiet voice: "Sometimes I think I should have let Lilah include me in the mind wipe."

"No you don't." Equally quiet.

"Yeah I do." Another pause. "Sometimes. It would have been easier."

"But it wouldn't have been better."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do. Because you don't want to give up the memory of your son."

"I'm just... I don't know. Selfish. There are times I want him back even though I know that wouldn't be good for him. You know?"

"That's not selfish. That's natural. Human."

Something like a chuckle. "You must be getting pretty sick of this conversation, huh."

"Nah. I love you -- it's all part of the service."

"So things were okay? I mean... Wes didn't flip out or anything?" It was an obvious attempt to steer the topic.

"No flipping out. He took it remarkably well."

"No throwing things?"

A chuckle. "No, no throwing things. Does he throw things often?"

"Um... no."

"That's good. Don't have to worry about ducking a flying curry or anything that way." Doyle paused. "How are you doing?"

"Okay."

"Is that okay, okay, or tell Doyle I'm okay so he doesn't worry okay?"

The long silence made the eventual answer pretty unnecessary. "Um... more like I'm kinda freaked out but not going to lose it completely okay?"

"Can you come home early?"

"Maybe? I have this thing at 3, but I could probably get out of here after that."

"Good. Then come home and you can do that holding me thing until you feel better."

Relieved sigh. "That sounds good."

"Y'know you can do that whenever you need to. I can always come there if you can't get away but need some... hugging time."

"There's a lock on my office door, you know."

"Yeah, I remember." Pause, then mischievously, "We could always have phone sex."

"You mean some time when I don't actually have a thing at 3?" Angel sounded regretful. "Besides, I was thinking..."

"What were you thinking?"

"I should probably, you know... talk to Wes."

"Yeah. Though... if you're still not ready to do it face to face, maybe you could email him?"

"Yeah. Yeah, good idea. Why? I mean, you don't think he's gonna freak out the next time he sees me or anything?"

"No, nothing like that. Just, you seemed to be finding it easier to talk when we were emailing. Thought you might find it easier to talk to Wesley at first that way too."

"Uh huh."

In a softer voice, "I'm just thinking of ways that will make this easier on both of you."

"I know. I don't want to sound ungrateful. Just... it's an effort, you know?"

"Most things worth doing are."

"You're doing that rational thing again."

"Wesley pointed that out a lot too. Said it was irritating."

"I wouldn't say irritating. Was gonna say it's kind of... I don't know, soothing."

"Soothing, huh?" Doyle's smile was audible. "Come home after your meeting and I'll see if I can't find other ways to soothe you."

"Promise?"

"Always."

"Okay. I'll be home in... a couple of hours, tops."

"I'll be waiting." Pause. "Love you."

"Love you too. See you in a while. And... Doyle?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Y'welcome. That's what I'm here for."


	20. Chapter 20

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

Doyle says you guys had a nice lunch. He says that he told you. About the memory thing.

How are you?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> Doyle says you guys had a nice lunch. He says that he told you. About  
the memory thing.

We did. He did. He said... you wanted me to know.

> How are you?

Reeling a little.

Angry.

Horrified.

Sad.

Sorry.

And probably some other things as well that haven't quite made it to the surface  
yet.

Thank you for wanting me to know.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > Doyle says you guys had a nice lunch. He says that he told you. About  
the memory thing.

> We did. He did. He said... you wanted me to know.

I did want you to know. Especially when... well, some stuff Doyle said made me think -- made us both think -- that maybe the spell, or whatever it was, didn't take on you the same way it did on everybody else.

Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I get how that worked.

> > How are you?

> Reeling a little.

Angry.

Horrified.

Sad.

Sorry.

And probably some other things as well that haven't quite made it to the surface  
yet.

I get that. And I'm sorry too.

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

> Thank you for wanting me to know.

You're welcome.

So, you... remember all of it? Everything?

\- Angel

__________

 

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Hello Francis.

> > I'm glad it didn't hurt. After what happened when you died, it wouldn't  
be fair...

> Hey, I'm back. I'm alive again -- that's more than fair I think.

Fair would have been it not happening in the first place.

> > Don't you think some things should be fair?

> Same old Harry. Always wanting the universe to be fair.

That's always been one of your most endearing qualities.

I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good.

> > I'd never mistake you for anyone else. You still sound like you. Write  
like you. Use the same words.

> In some ways, what happened before, when my demon side manifested, it prepared  
me for this. Well, as much as anyone can be prepared for this. I dealt really  
badly -- really, really badly -- with that identity crisis; I'm doing better this  
time. Partially because now I know that it won't change anything important about  
me that I don't let it change.

I'm sorry I let it change so much last time. I don't know if I ever told you  
that.

I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean, but how things went between us. We were both sorry.

> > That's interesting, that your eyes are the same. I wonder why that  
happened?

> Have no idea. Magic is so not my bailiwick. Though the eyes being the window to  
the soul and it being my soul that's in this body...

Or it could just be the Powers way of keeping track of who is in what skin, I  
haven't a clue.

Maybe we'll find out. You never know.

> > > Thanks, Harry, really. It means a lot to hear that.

> > I wasn't saying it to make you smile, but I'm glad it did. It's true.

> Always good to know that there's people that care out there.

I care. I've always cared about you.

> > > Didn't mean I wasn't freaking terrified though.

And you're the first one I've admitted that to.

> > Anyone would be. It doesn't mean anything that you were. What means  
something is that you did what you did even though you were scared.  
There isn't any shame in admitting it. I'm sure Angel and Cordelia  
wouldn't think any less of you.

> Yeah, I know.

It's just... it's different talking about it with Angel. Every time it comes up,  
he gets all glowery and intense and pretty much the conversation devolves into  
him telling me I'm never to do something like that again.

He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die.

I agree with him that I don't want you ever doing anything like that again, but I understand why you did it. It was the right thing to do. It just proved to me what I already knew -- what a good person you were. Are.

> > Well you know I didn't go out and deliberately pick someone who was  
human just for that reason. We met and fell in love. That's all that  
matters. That's all that mattered to me before.

> I know. I just forgot for a bit -- back when I really needed to remember it the  
most.

You had a lot to deal with. I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have handled it badly, if it had been me.

> > I'm sorry things happened between us the way they did, and it wasn't  
just you, it was me too.

> It was mostly me though. If I'd been faster with coming to terms with what I  
am -- or was? am -- maybe...

As it was I don't think I really did that until right before I died. When  
Cordelia found out and pretty much made it clear it was a non-issue and asked me  
to ask her out.

I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's important.

Do me a favor? Stop blaming yourself for what happened. Between us, I mean. We can't turn back time, Francis. I'm glad we're getting a second chance now, though, to be friends.

> > You're sweet, but don't worry.

> You already had a husband that made you unhappy -- he's not allowed to do that.

No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things through. We move on.

> > Sometimes it takes someone who's known you for a long time to point out  
something like that.

> Or someone who spent way too much time thinking about children we'd never had.

Sorry. That was...

I really wanted you to have my children, y'know. Used to think about it a lot  
after we separated. About what could've been if I hadn't discovered my heritage.  
I always fancied our daughter -- your daughter -- as a feisty little blonde  
tomboy.

Guess I wasn't far off. Cept for the part where I'm going to have to play Uncle  
instead of Daddy.

Or I guess that's Aunt now.

You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be. I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing -- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part of me that wishes.

> > Of course it is. Who else would it be for? And before you ask, yes,  
Thomas knows why, and he agreed with me that you were a good person to  
name our daughter after.

> Okay, getting all gushy now. :-D

Good, as long as that's gushy in a good way.

> > > Though recent experience... I could probably get behind such a saying  
myself.

> > What do you mean? Are you... but you're a woman now. Are you saying  
you're having... romantic feelings for a man?

Or maybe I'm getting it all wrong.

> No, you're not getting it all wrong.

And I had romantic feelings for a man - this man - before I ended up in this  
body.

Oh. You mean Angel, don't you?

I'm surprised. Not in a bad way.

> > Whenever's good for you. Maybe you should give yourself a little time  
to get more settled, into your own place. I could bring her down to see  
you, if you wanted me to.

> There's some messy things I'm helping mediate right now. That's probably going  
to be taking up my time for the next few days at least. Maybe next week  
sometime?

Of course. Just let me know.

> > > Things on that front are looking quite hopeful.

> > Tell me.

> I can see where I'm needed here. What I do best -- what I was starting to  
realise I do best before -- listening and talking, telling people what they need  
to hear, even if it's not what they want to hear -- it's what's really needed  
around here.

More than that, I'm wanted. Desperately, if that's not stressing the point too  
much.

Being needed and wanted, that's the start of finding a place where you fit.  
Can't ask for much more.

Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is a rare trait.

I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there.

> > He sounds like a good friend. I'm glad. You deserve to have someone in  
your life who understands you.

> Angel does. As much as anyone can understand someone else.

And... er... he's not just a good friend.

Have I mentioned that Angel's originally from Ireland?

I remember. And even though I am surprised, I guess I'm also... not. I just hope you're happy. That you're good for each other. That's what matters.

> > I'm happy to help in any way I can. Just let me know.

> When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and  
mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing?

This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it.

I'd be glad to take you shopping.

Take care of yourself, Francis. I'm thinking about you.

\- Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > We did. He did. He said... you wanted me to know.

> I did want you to know. Especially when... well, some stuff Doyle said  
made me think -- made us both think -- that maybe the spell, or  
whatever it was, didn't take on you the same way it did on everybody  
else.

I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I know, along with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief.

So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence.

> Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind  
of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I  
get how that worked.

I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name, everything started coming back.

> > > How are you?

> > Reeling a little.

Angry.

Horrified.

Sad.

Sorry.

And probably some other things as well that haven't quite made it to  
the surface  
yet.

> I get that. And I'm sorry too.

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

I know.

For Connor you were.

Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing.

> > Thank you for wanting me to know.

> You're welcome.

So, you... remember all of it? Everything?

I believe so, yes.

I remember... what I did.

I... I understand now why you haven't wanted me around very much.

I'm sorry.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > I did want you to know. Especially when... well, some stuff Doyle said  
made me think -- made us both think -- that maybe the spell, or  
whatever it was, didn't take on you the same way it did on everybody  
else.

> I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I know, along  
with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief.

So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence.

Relief how? If you don't mind me asking, I mean.

> > Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind  
of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I  
get how that worked.

> I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name,  
everything started coming back.

I'm sorry everything went so wrong. I mean that. I'm not just saying it.

> > I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

> I know.

For Connor you were.

Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing.

Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that. Okay?

> > So, you... remember all of it? Everything?

> I believe so, yes.

I remember... what I did.

I... I understand now why you haven't wanted me around very much.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too. I didn't... when I tried to kill you, in the hospital, I was just... nuts. There wasn't any part of me that could make sense of what had happened, and I didn't care that you thought there was a reason for you to do what you did. That didn't matter, not then. All I cared about was him being gone, and how I was going to get him back, and what I was going to do if I couldn't get him back.

And it's not that I haven't wanted you around. Honest. It's just that I didn't know what to do. Or say.

But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us.

You think there's any chance?

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry

> > Hey, I'm back. I'm alive again -- that's more than fair I think.

> Fair would have been it not happening in the first place.

Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the Scourge was pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before... and didn't take it.

> > Same old Harry. Always wanting the universe to be fair.

That's always been one of your most endearing qualities.

> I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good.

I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly.

> > I'm sorry I let it change so much last time. I don't know if I ever  
told you that.

> I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't  
want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean,  
but how things went between us. We were both sorry.

Still, I owed you the official apology.

> > > That's interesting, that your eyes are the same. I wonder why that  
happened?

> > Have no idea. Magic is so not my bailiwick. Though the eyes being the window to  
the soul and it being my soul that's in this body...

Or it could just be the Powers way of keeping track of who is in what skin, I  
haven't a clue.

> Maybe we'll find out. You never know.

Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good thing.

> > Always good to know that there's people that care out there.

> I care. I've always cared about you.

That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my heart.

> > It's just... it's different talking about it with Angel. Every time it comes up,  
he gets all glowery and intense and pretty much the conversation devolves into  
him telling me I'm never to do something like that again.

> He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die.

Yeah, he would.

It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked him clean off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to stop me.

I made sure there wasn't.

> I agree with him that I don't want you ever doing anything like that  
again, but I understand why you did it. It was the right thing to do.  
It just proved to me what I already knew -- what a good person you  
were. Are.

Aw, you're going to make me blush here.

Thanks.

> > I know. I just forgot for a bit -- back when I really needed to  
remember it the most.

> You had a lot to deal with. I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have  
handled it badly, if it had been me.

You would've handled it better than me I think. My problem was always letting things go. Climbing back out of the hole the entire finding out I was a demon thing sent me into.

> > As it was I don't think I really did that until right before I died. When  
Cordelia found out and pretty much made it clear it was a non-issue and  
asked me to ask her out.

> I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's  
important.

Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as important. And took me longer to learn.

> Do me a favor? Stop blaming yourself for what happened. Between us, I  
mean. We can't turn back time, Francis. I'm glad we're getting a second  
chance now, though, to be friends.

Yeah, me too.

Don't think I'll ever be totally able to stop blaming myself. But I'll do my best.

> > You already had a husband that made you unhappy -- he's not allowed to  
do that.

> No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things  
through. We move on.

Good. Just as long as ya do that when he doesn't make you happy too.

If not... well I can still kick butt, even if I'm wearing a different body now.

> > I really wanted you to have my children, y'know. Used to think about it a lot  
after we separated. About what could've been if I hadn't discovered my heritage.  
I always fancied our daughter -- your daughter -- as a feisty little blonde tomboy.

Guess I wasn't far off. 'Cept for the part where I'm going to have to  
play Uncle instead of Daddy.

Or I guess that's Aunt now.

> You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be.

I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems...

> I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be.  
I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing  
\-- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be  
wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part  
of me that wishes.

I'm wistful about might-have-beens but I've moved on.

And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy.

> > Okay, getting all gushy now. :-D

> Good, as long as that's gushy in a good way.

I don't think there's a bad way of getting gushy.

> > And I had romantic feelings for a man - this man - before I ended up  
in this body.

> Oh. You mean Angel, don't you?

Yeah.

> I'm surprised. Not in a bad way.

Surprised in a good way? How?

> > There's some messy things I'm helping mediate right now. That's probably going  
to be taking up my time for the next few days at least. Maybe next week sometime?

> Of course. Just let me know.

Anytime next week should be good. I don't have much of a schedule yet so whatever is best for you.

> Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is a  
rare trait.

I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of the visions. But after awhile...

> I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there.

Thanks. I think it's been my place for a while.

With Angel, I mean.

And back when I was still alive, I mean, when I say a while.

> > > He sounds like a good friend. I'm glad. You deserve to have someone in  
your life who understands you.

> > Angel does. As much as anyone can understand someone else.

And... er... he's not just a good friend.

Have I mentioned that Angel's originally from Ireland?

> I remember. And even though I am surprised, I guess I'm also... not. I  
just hope you're happy. That you're good for each other. That's what  
matters.

Yeah.

We are. We really click in a way I haven't with anyone since you.

And thanks.

> > > I'm happy to help in any way I can. Just let me know.

> > When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and  
mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing?

> This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it.

Yeah. Probably.

One of my new rules to live by -- it's *always* stranger than you thought.

> I'd be glad to take you shopping.

Take care of yourself, Francis. I'm thinking about you.

Ditto.

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Hi Francis.

> > Fair would have been it not happening in the first place.

> Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the Scourge was  
pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before... and didn't  
take it.

I don't think you should look at it like that.

> > I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good.

> I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly.

Yes. Like when someone you care about dies, even if they die doing something good.

> > I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't  
want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean,  
but how things went between us. We were both sorry.

> Still, I owed you the official apology.

Thank you.

It wasn't necessary, but I appreciate it.

> > Maybe we'll find out. You never know.

> Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good thing.

What happens now? Do you know?

> > I care. I've always cared about you.

> That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my heart.

I think that was pretty inevitable, don't you? From the time we met.

> > He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die.

> Yeah, he would.

It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked him clean  
off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to stop me.

I made sure there wasn't.

You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel appreciated that, even though he was very upset.

> > I agree with him that I don't want you ever doing anything like that  
again, but I understand why you did it. It was the right thing to do.  
It just proved to me what I already knew -- what a good person you  
were. Are.

> Aw, you're going to make me blush here.

Thanks.

You're welcome. It's all true.

> > You had a lot to deal with. I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have  
handled it badly, if it had been me.

> You would've handled it better than me I think. My problem was always letting  
things go. Climbing back out of the hole the entire finding out I was a demon  
thing sent me into.

You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own perception of yourself.

> > I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's  
important.

> Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as important. And  
took me longer to learn.

But you've learned it now?

> > Do me a favor? Stop blaming yourself for what happened. Between us, I  
mean. We can't turn back time, Francis. I'm glad we're getting a second  
chance now, though, to be friends.

> Yeah, me too.

Don't think I'll ever be totally able to stop blaming myself. But I'll do my  
best.

Good.

> > No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things  
through. We move on.

> Good. Just as long as ya do that when he doesn't make you happy too.

If not... well I can still kick butt, even if I'm wearing a different body now.

I'll keep that in mind.

> > > Guess I wasn't far off. Cept for the part where I'm going to have to  
play Uncle instead of Daddy.

Or I guess that's Aunt now.

> > You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be.

> I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems...

What kind of problems could it cause?

> > I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be.  
I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing  
\-- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be  
wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part  
of me that wishes.

> I'm wistful about might-have-beens but I've moved on.

And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy.

You can share it, a little bit. If you want to.

> > Oh. You mean Angel, don't you?

> Yeah.

> > I'm surprised. Not in a bad way.

> Surprised in a good way? How?

Surprised in a... surprised way.

You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible? I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you had feelings like that.

> Anytime next week should be good. I don't have much of a schedule yet so whatever  
is best for you.

Okay. I'll just check my calendar, and I'll let you know.

> > Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is a  
rare trait.

> I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of the  
visions. But after awhile...

It became a habit? Got easier?

> > I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there.

> Thanks. I think it's been my place for a while.

With Angel, I mean.

And back when I was still alive, I mean, when I say a while.

That's good. I think you're the kind of person who needs that security. Who thrives under it.

> > > When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and  
mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing?

> > This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it.

> Yeah. Probably.

One of my new rules to live by -- it's *always* stranger than you thought.

I'm not sure that makes me feel better. Is it supposed to?

I'm kidding really.

Love from  
Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I know, along  
with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief.

So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence.

> Relief how? If you don't mind me asking, I mean.

Just... relief.

Like things made sense again.

Like I wasn't going insane.

> > > Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind  
of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I  
get how that worked.

> > I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name,  
everything started coming back.

> I'm sorry everything went so wrong. I mean that. I'm not just saying it.

So am I.

I remember how happy you were. Before.

Before I...

Why don't you hate me?

> > For Connor you were.

Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing.

> Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were  
other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that.  
Okay?

All right. Whatever you want.

> > I remember... what I did.

I... I understand now why you haven't wanted me around very much.

I'm sorry.

> I'm sorry too. I didn't... when I tried to kill you, in the hospital, I  
was just... nuts. There wasn't any part of me that could make sense of  
what had happened, and I didn't care that you thought there was a  
reason for you to do what you did. That didn't matter, not then. All I  
cared about was him being gone, and how I was going to get him back,  
and what I was going to do if I couldn't get him back.

You deserved your anger at me. I betrayed you. Not so much by taking Connor because of the prophecy, but because I took him to keep him safe. And then I lost him.

I failed you both by not keeping him safe.

> And it's not that I haven't wanted you around. Honest. It's just that I  
didn't know what to do. Or say.

I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again.

And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour.

> But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us.

You think there's any chance?

I want that too. And I want to think there is.

Wes

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > > I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I  
know, along with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief.

So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence.

> > Relief how? If you don't mind me asking, I mean.

> Just... relief.

Like things made sense again.

Like I wasn't going insane.

I'm sorry. Sorry that the spell, or whatever the hell it was, didn't work better. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm starting to think it's a good thing you know the truth. But I don't like the thought of you thinking something was wrong with you, when it was really something wrong with the spell. Or whatever the hell it was.

> > > I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name,  
everything started coming back.

> > I'm sorry everything went so wrong. I mean that. I'm not just saying it.

> So am I.

I remember how happy you were. Before.

Before I...

Why don't you hate me?

Because I know you. I know you meant for stuff to go right. You took a hard situation, one that you couldn't see a way out of, and tried to create a way. For me. For Connor. I can't hate you for that, even though things didn't turn out the way you hoped.

What would you have done, if Justine hadn't... I mean, would you have taken him away for good. Would you have let me know he was okay?

> > > For Connor you were.

Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing.

> > Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were  
other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that.  
Okay?

> All right. Whatever you want.

Okay, I lied. Tell me? Because now I'm driving myself nuts thinking about it.

> > I'm sorry too. I didn't... when I tried to kill you, in the hospital, I  
was just... nuts. There wasn't any part of me that could make sense of  
what had happened, and I didn't care that you thought there was a  
reason for you to do what you did. That didn't matter, not then. All I  
cared about was him being gone, and how I was going to get him back,  
and what I was going to do if I couldn't get him back.

> You deserved your anger at me. I betrayed you. Not so much by taking Connor  
because of the prophecy, but because I took him to keep him safe. And then I  
lost him.

I failed you both by not keeping him safe.

It was a mistake. Hell, me sleeping with Darla and ending up with Connor in the first place was a mistake. We all make 'em. Sometimes they turn out better than others.

I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much.

> > And it's not that I haven't wanted you around. Honest. It's just that I  
didn't know what to do. Or say.

> I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again.

And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour.

Yeah. Guess that's a good sign.

> > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us.

You think there's any chance?

> I want that too. And I want to think there is.

So what do we do now?

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry

> > Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the Scourge was  
pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before... and didn't  
take it.

> I don't think you should look at it like that.

I think I have to.

It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them off. And then they ended up dead.

> > > I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good.

> > I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly.

> Yes. Like when someone you care about dies, even if they die doing  
something good.

Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most to them because it's the only way they see to make things right.

> > > I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't  
want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean,  
but how things went between us. We were both sorry.

> > Still, I owed you the official apology.

> Thank you.

It wasn't necessary, but I appreciate it.

Just want us to start off with a clean slate. :-)

> > > Maybe we'll find out. You never know.

> > Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good  
thing.

> What happens now? Do you know?

Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions, but I haven't had one yet.

Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make sure someone was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley.

> > > I care. I've always cared about you.

> > That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my heart.

> I think that was pretty inevitable, don't you? From the time we met.

Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you.

> > > He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die.

> > Yeah, he would.

It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked  
him clean off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to  
stop me.

I made sure there wasn't.

> You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel  
appreciated that, even though he was very upset.

I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as mine was.

> > You would've handled it better than me I think. My problem was always letting  
things go. Climbing back out of the hole the entire finding out I was a demon  
thing sent me into.

> You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not  
a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own  
perception of yourself.

Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot sooner.

> > > I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's  
important.

> > Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as  
important. And took me longer to learn.

> But you've learned it now?

I think so. Seem to be doing a pretty good job of it lately.

> > > No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things  
through. We move on.

> > Good. Just as long as ya do that when he doesn't make you happy too.

If not... well I can still kick butt, even if I'm wearing a different  
body now.

> I'll keep that in mind.

Please do.

Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you planning on explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's not a half demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a woman?

And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird off kilter movie of the week on Lifetime?

> Guess I wasn't far off. Cept for the part where I'm going to have to  
play Uncle instead of Daddy.

Or I guess that's Aunt now.

> > > You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be.

> > I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems...

> What kind of problems could it cause?

Well there's the fact that I'm your ex. There's the fact that I'm your ex who is now a woman...

You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a difference in accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past show up again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing dresses yet) to be a part of your family life.

> > > I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be.  
I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing  
\-- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be  
wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part  
of me that wishes.

> > I'm wistful about might-have-beens but I've moved on.

And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy.

> You can share it, a little bit. If you want to.

I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you.

> > > Oh. You mean Angel, don't you?

> > Yeah.

> > > I'm surprised. Not in a bad way.

> > Surprised in a good way? How?

> Surprised in a... surprised way.

You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible?  
I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you  
had feelings like that.

I'd say I was still a guy but...

I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I always was.

I noticed the occasional other guy, just like I noticed the occasional other girl; never said anything to you because I wasn't in love with them. I was in love with you.

> > Anytime next week should be good. I don't have much of a schedule yet  
so whatever is best for you.

> Okay. I'll just check my calendar, and I'll let you know.

I'm looking forward to it. :-)

> > > Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is  
a rare trait.

> > I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of  
the visions. But after awhile...

> It became a habit? Got easier?

I saw the good it was doing, and started to realise that I didn't need the visions to tell me everything that needed to be said. So I started saying that stuff too.

> > > I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there.

> > Thanks. I think it's been my place for a while.

With Angel, I mean.

And back when I was still alive, I mean, when I say a while.

> That's good. I think you're the kind of person who needs that security.  
Who thrives under it.

Yeah, I think I am. Never really felt right after we broke up -- and not just because of being half demon.

Not until I'd been working with Angel and Cordelia for a bit. Then yeah, I started to feel like I had a place, an identity again.

Security, like you said.

> When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane  
and mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing?

> > > This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it.

> > Yeah. Probably.

One of my new rules to live by -- it's *always* stranger than you  
thought.

> I'm not sure that makes me feel better. Is it supposed to?

More prepared for surprises at least.

Love,

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Hi Francis.

> > > Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the  
Scourge was pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before...  
and didn't take it.

> > I don't think you should look at it like that.

> I think I have to.

It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them  
off. And then they ended up dead.

But did you really blow them off? Or was it just too much for you to handle?

You didn't know that was going to happen to them.

> > > I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly.

> > Yes. Like when someone you care about dies, even if they die doing  
something good.

> Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most to them  
because it's the only way they see to make things right.

I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here.

> > > Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good  
thing.

> > What happens now? Do you know?

> Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions, but I  
haven't had one yet.

Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make sure someone  
was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley.

I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd want to keep an eye on him.

Who's Wesley?

> > > That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my  
heart.

> > I think that was pretty inevitable, don't you? From the time we met.

> Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you.

You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like Cordelia now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that.

> > > It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked  
him clean off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to  
stop me.

I made sure there wasn't.

> > You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel  
appreciated that, even though he was very upset.

> I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as mine was.

That's just a sign of how much he cares about you.

> > You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not  
a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own  
perception of yourself.

> Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot sooner.

You did the best you could at the time.

> > > Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as  
important. And took me longer to learn.

> > But you've learned it now?

> I think so. Seem to be doing a pretty good job of it lately.

Good.

> Please do.

Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you planning on  
explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's not a half  
demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a woman?

And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird off kilter  
movie of the week on Lifetime?

Oh, I told him all about it. He knows. I guess he thinks it's a little bit weird, but then he's used to listening to me go on and on about things that he thinks are weird.

> > > > You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be.

> > > I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems...

> > What kind of problems could it cause?

> Well there's the fact that I'm your ex. There's the fact that I'm your ex who is  
now a woman...

You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a difference in  
accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past show up  
again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing dresses yet)  
to be a part of your family life.

Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he?

I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding.

> > > And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy.

> > You can share it, a little bit. If you want to.

> I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you.

Don't worry about me. Everything in my life's... pretty much perfect. You being back is just the icing on the cake.

> > > Surprised in a good way? How?

> > Surprised in a... surprised way.

You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible?  
I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you  
had feelings like that.

> I'd say I was still a guy but...

I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I always was.

I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you.

> I noticed the occasional other guy, just like I noticed the occasional other  
girl; never said anything to you because I wasn't in love with them. I was in  
love with you.

There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone -- is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And... you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died?

> > > I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of the  
visions. But after awhile...

> > It became a habit? Got easier?

> I saw the good it was doing, and started to realise that I didn't need the  
visions to tell me everything that needed to be said. So I started saying that  
stuff too.

I'm so proud of you. You're really an amazing person.

> > > And back when I was still alive I mean when I say a while.

> > That's good. I think you're the kind of person who needs that security.  
Who thrives under it.

> Yeah, I think I am. Never really felt right after we broke up -- and not just  
because of being half demon.

Not until I'd been working with Angel and Cordelia for a bit. Then yeah, I  
started to feel like I had a place, an identity again.

Security, like you said.

Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially since you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard.

Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk about?

Love from  
Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > Just... relief.

Like things made sense again.

Like I wasn't going insane.

> I'm sorry. Sorry that the spell, or whatever the hell it was, didn't  
work better. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm starting to think it's a  
good thing you know the truth. But I don't like the thought of you  
thinking something was wrong with you, when it was really something  
wrong with the spell. Or whatever the hell it was.

Apology accepted.

It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now, don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that...

> > I remember how happy you were. Before.

Before I...

Why don't you hate me?

> Because I know you. I know you meant for stuff to go right. You took a  
hard situation, one that you couldn't see a way out of, and tried to  
create a way. For me. For Connor. I can't hate you for that, even  
though things didn't turn out the way you hoped.

I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly you.

> What would you have done, if Justine hadn't... I mean, would you have  
taken him away for good. Would you have let me know he was okay?

Of course I would have. I'd composed a letter I was going to mail on my way out of town; it was in my SUV when Justine took it, I don't know what happened to it. But it explained everything and that I was going to keep Connor safe until we could work this out.

And I would have stayed away only until I knew the danger was past; that the prophecy had been foiled.

I was trying to save both of you. Made a right mess of it.

I'm sorry.

> > > > For Connor you were.

Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing.

> > > Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were  
other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that.  
Okay?

> > All right. Whatever you want.

> Okay, I lied. Tell me? Because now I'm driving myself nuts thinking  
about it.

It was just something Doyle said to me at lunch -- that you made a deal to make things right *for* Connor, when you could as easily asked for a chance to make things right *with* Connor. Given him a second chance at a childhood, a life, with you. A second chance to be his father.

> > You deserved your anger at me. I betrayed you. Not so much by taking Connor  
because of the prophecy, but because I took him to keep him safe. And then I  
lost him.

I failed you both by not keeping him safe.

> It was a mistake. Hell, me sleeping with Darla and ending up with  
Connor in the first place was a mistake. We all make 'em. Sometimes  
they turn out better than others.

I...

I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment.

But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment that let Justine get close enough to...

> I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much.

What do you want?

What can I do?

> > I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again.

And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour.

> Yeah. Guess that's a good sign.

Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears.

> > > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us.

You think there's any chance?

> > I want that too. And I want to think there is.

> So what do we do now?

I don't know. More of this? Talking?

Wes


	21. Chapter 21

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > I'm sorry. Sorry that the spell, or whatever the hell it was, didn't  
work better. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm starting to think it's a  
good thing you know the truth. But I don't like the thought of you  
thinking something was wrong with you, when it was really something  
wrong with the spell. Or whatever the hell it was.

> Apology accepted.

It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now,  
don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that...

Okay, you've pretty much gone right over my head there.

> > > Why don't you hate me?

> > Because I know you. I know you meant for stuff to go right. You took a  
hard situation, one that you couldn't see a way out of, and tried to  
create a way. For me. For Connor. I can't hate you for that, even  
though things didn't turn out the way you hoped.

> I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened  
because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were  
going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly  
you.

I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand, and I know there was a lot going on.

> > What would you have done, if Justine hadn't... I mean, would you have  
taken him away for good. Would you have let me know he was okay?

> Of course I would have. I'd composed a letter I was going to mail on my way out  
of town; it was in my SUV when Justine took it, I don't know what happened to  
it. But it explained everything and that I was going to keep Connor safe until  
we could work this out.

And I would have stayed away only until I knew the danger was past; that the  
prophecy had been foiled.

I was trying to save both of you. Made a right mess of it.

I'm sorry. 

I know you are.

And it helps, knowing that you weren't just going to take him and never come back.

Thanks. For caring enough to try to protect us.

> > > > Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were  
other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that.  
Okay?

> > > All right. Whatever you want.

> > Okay, I lied. Tell me? Because now I'm driving myself nuts thinking  
about it.

> It was just something Doyle said to me at lunch -- that you made a deal to make  
things right *for* Connor, when you could as easily asked for a chance to make  
things right *with* Connor. Given him a second chance at a childhood, a life,  
with you. A second chance to be his father.

Oh. I don't think that was really an option. I mean, it wasn't so much me making the deal as accepting it. The mind wipe thing was an added bonus, sure, because it let me not have to deal with the whole situation, in addition to protecting Connor.

Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a way to set things straight.

> > It was a mistake. Hell, me sleeping with Darla and ending up with  
Connor in the first place was a mistake. We all make 'em. Sometimes  
they turn out better than others.

> I...

I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my  
place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment.

But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment  
that let Justine get close enough to...

I'm not the poster boy for self-forgiveness, Wes. If you want someone to tell you how to do that, you're better off looking in almost any other direction than mine.

I know why you did it. I forgive you.

> > I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much. 

> What do you want?

What can I do?

What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden* anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too.

I don't think you can do anything. Stick around? Talk to me sometimes, maybe, when things get so loud in my own head that I can't think straight?

> > > I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again.

And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour.

> > Yeah. Guess that's a good sign.

> Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears.

Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um, not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything though.

> But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us.

You think there's any chance?

> > > I want that too. And I want to think there is.

> > So what do we do now?

> I don't know. More of this? Talking?

Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that.

Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now,  
don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that... 

> Okay, you've pretty much gone right over my head there.

I mean it's more important that we deal with what happened with Connor than the mind-wipe.

> > I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened  
because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were  
going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly  
you.

> I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand,  
and I know there was a lot going on.

I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot.

> > And I would have stayed away only until I knew the danger was past;  
that the prophecy had been foiled.

I was trying to save both of you. Made a right mess of it.

I'm sorry.

> I know you are.

And it helps, knowing that you weren't just going to take him and never  
come back.

It was always the plan to give him back, when it was safe.

And I fully expected that would be the last I was allowed to see Connor, or that you would ever want to see me again afterwards.

I knew what I was doing when I walked out of there with him.

Or so I thought.

> Thanks. For caring enough to try to protect us.

The world needs you in it. I'd do anything to ensure that.

Still will.

> > It was just something Doyle said to me at lunch -- that you made a deal to make  
things right *for* Connor, when you could as easily asked for a chance to make  
things right *with* Connor. Given him a second chance at a childhood, a life,  
with you. A second chance to be his father. 

> Oh. I don't think that was really an option. I mean, it wasn't so much  
me making the deal as accepting it. The mind wipe thing was an added  
bonus, sure, because it let me not have to deal with the whole  
situation, in addition to protecting Connor.

Protecting Connor we both agree is the utmost priority.

> Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that  
way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a  
way to set things straight.

You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that.

That's more than many fathers do.

> > I...

I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my  
place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment.

But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment  
that let Justine get close enough to...

> I'm not the poster boy for self-forgiveness, Wes. If you want someone  
to tell you how to do that, you're better off looking in almost any  
other direction than mine.

I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving myself any easier.

> I know why you did it. I forgive you.

I don't think I can express how much that means.

Thank you.

> > > I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much.

> > What do you want?

What can I do?

> What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden*  
anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too.

Forgetting isn't what it's cracked up to be. Take it from someone who knows.

> I don't think you can do anything. Stick around? Talk to me sometimes,  
maybe, when things get so loud in my own head that I can't think  
straight?

I'm not going anywhere -- not until you ask me to.

Whenever you need to talk, I'm here and I'll do my best.

> > Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears.

> Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds  
me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um,  
not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything  
though.

Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them.

> > > > > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right  
between us.

You think there's any chance?

> > > > I want that too. And I want to think there is.

> > > So what do we do now?

> > I don't know. More of this? Talking?

> Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that.

It's not something I consider myself all that adept at either; Doyle seems to have the market cornered on that. But we can only try our best.

> Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean?

Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what you're feeling.

Wes

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > > It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now,  
don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that...

> > Okay, you've pretty much gone right over my head there.

> I mean it's more important that we deal with what happened with Connor than the  
mind-wipe.

Oh, okay.

Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened with Connor. It's done.

> > > I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened  
because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how  
you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but  
mostly you.

> > I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand,  
and I know there was a lot going on.

> I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot.

Funny how it kind of makes you feel better, even in situations when you think maybe nothing could.

> > I know you are.

And it helps, knowing that you weren't just going to take him and never  
come back.

> It was always the plan to give him back, when it was safe.

And I fully expected that would be the last I was allowed to see Connor,  
or that you would ever want to see me again afterwards.

I knew what I was doing when I walked out of there with him.

Or so I thought.

There were reasons for you thinking what you did. I mean, not like you pulled that prophecy out of your ass. You didn't have any reason to think it wasn't for real.

And it means a lot that you'd go through stuff like that to keep him safe. For me, and for him.

For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I think I would have understood. Not been mad.

> The world needs you in it. I'd do anything to ensure that.

Still will.

I hope not.

I mean, you shouldn't think like that. It's not like I'm some... whatever. Savior. Sure, I'm trying not to make the world a worse place, trying to help people where I can. But so are you. We're not any different really.

Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing.

> > Oh. I don't think that was really an option. I mean, it wasn't so much  
me making the deal as accepting it. The mind wipe thing was an added  
bonus, sure, because it let me not have to deal with the whole  
situation, in addition to protecting Connor.

> Protecting Connor we both agree is the utmost priority.

You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the deal, do you?

> > Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that  
way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a  
way to set things straight.

> You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that.

That's more than many fathers do.

I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but maybe I made too many mistakes.

Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean?

> > > I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my  
place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment.

But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment  
that let Justine get close enough to...

> > I'm not the poster boy for self-forgiveness, Wes. If you want someone  
to tell you how to do that, you're better off looking in almost any  
other direction than mine. 

> I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving myself  
any easier.

Probably not. You might get there though, eventually. I hope.

If there IS anything I can do, let me know?

> > I know why you did it. I forgive you.

> I don't think I can express how much that means.

Thank you.

Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just kind of happened.

> > > What do you want?

What can I do?

> > What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden*  
anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too.

> Forgetting isn't what it's cracked up to be. Take it from someone who knows.

Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would have been the way to go.

> > I don't think you can do anything. Stick around? Talk to me sometimes,  
maybe, when things get so loud in my own head that I can't think  
straight?

> I'm not going anywhere -- not until you ask me to.

Whenever you need to talk, I'm here and I'll do my best.

Thanks.

We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again.

> > > Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears.

> > Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds  
me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um,  
not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything  
though.

> Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them. 

Yeah, something like that.

You know anyone who might be good for the job?

> > > > So what do we do now?

> > > I don't know. More of this? Talking?

> > Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that.

> It's not something I consider myself all that adept at either; Doyle seems to  
have the market cornered on that. But we can only try our best.

Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality of it's gonna hit him.

> > Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean?

> Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what  
you're feeling.

Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if it's, you know, mad at me.

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry

> > It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them  
off. And then they ended up dead.

> But did you really blow them off? Or was it just too much for you to  
handle?

I don't make excuses for what happened, Harry. Do you know the very first vision I had was of those poor people's death? I got to see and feel it happen. So somebody somewhere obviously thought I was at fault.

> You didn't know that was going to happen to them.

Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a pretty big hint.

> > Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most  
to them because it's the only way they see to make things right.

> I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here.

I'm not. But it's not something I'm free to talk about.

> > Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions, but I  
haven't had one yet.

Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make  
sure someone was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley.

> I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear  
that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd  
want to keep an eye on him.

Yeah. Both eyes even.

And other things.

Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh?

> Who's Wesley?

He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my replacement in a way.

> > Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you.

> You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like Cordelia  
now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that.

I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my past. Or my feelings.

> > > You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel  
appreciated that, even though he was very upset.

> > I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as  
mine was.

> That's just a sign of how much he cares about you.

Or how little he cares about himself.

> > > You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not  
a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own  
perception of yourself.

> > Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot  
sooner.

> You did the best you could at the time.

Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy.

> > Please do.

Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you planning on  
explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's not a half  
demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a woman?

And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird  
off kilter movie of the week on Lifetime?

> Oh, I told him all about it. He knows. I guess he thinks it's a little  
bit weird, but then he's used to listening to me go on and on about  
things that he thinks are weird.

Okay, now I'm worried about what kind of guy he is. Because even among the people I hang around who are a little weird themselves this pulled them up short.

> > > What kind of problems could it cause?

> > Well there's the fact that I'm your ex. There's the fact that I'm your  
ex who is now a woman...

You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a difference in  
accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past show up  
again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing dresses yet)  
to be a part of your family life.

> Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he?

I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding.

I hope so.

Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but...

I'm still worried.

> > > > And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy.

> > > You can share it, a little bit. If you want to.

> > I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you.

> Don't worry about me. Everything in my life's... pretty much perfect.  
You being back is just the icing on the cake.

Good. I hope so.

> > > You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible?  
I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you  
had feelings like that.

> > I'd say I was still a guy but...

I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I always was.

> I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you.

So then it shouldn't bother you when I say things like I fell for you like a ton of bricks, should it?

> > I noticed the occasional other guy, just like I noticed the occasional other  
girl; never said anything to you because I wasn't in love with them. I was in  
love with you.

> There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone --  
is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And...  
you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died?

Yeah, I did. Not that I ever thought anything was going to ever come from it. But yeah, I watched him, admired... lusted. All of that.

> > I saw the good it was doing, and started to realise that I didn't need the  
visions to tell me everything that needed to be said. So I started saying that  
stuff too.

> I'm so proud of you. You're really an amazing person.

Thanks :)

> > Not until I'd been working with Angel and Cordelia for a bit. Then yeah, I  
started to feel like I had a place, an identity again.

Security, like you said.

> Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially since  
you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard.

Yeah. I lucked out with them.

> Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk about?

Things with Angel are good. Great.

We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word.

He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm not going anywhere.

In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't talk about again. ;-)

Love

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Hi Francis.

> > > It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them  
off. And then they ended up dead.

> > But did you really blow them off? Or was it just too much for you to  
handle?

> I don't make excuses for what happened, Harry. Do you know the very first vision  
I had was of those poor people's death? I got to see and feel it happen. So  
somebody somewhere obviously thought I was at fault.

It wasn't a punishment. It might have felt like one, but that's not what it was. You can't keep believing that it was. That's not healthy.

> > You didn't know that was going to happen to them.

> Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a pretty big  
hint.

Okay, I see what you're saying, but you didn't *know.*

It must have been very hard. I can tell you feel guilty. Responsible.

I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could say.

> > > Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most  
to them because it's the only way they see to make things right.

> > I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here.

> I'm not. But it's not something I'm free to talk about.

Okay. I won't ask.

> > > Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions,  
but I haven't had one yet.

Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make  
sure someone was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley.

> > I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear  
that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd  
want to keep an eye on him.

> Yeah. Both eyes even.

And other things.

Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh?

You're saying that Cordelia and Angel had a thing? And now you're in Cordelia's body and you and Angel have a thing?

I don't want to hurt you, Francis. You must know that's the last thing I want. But I don't want to see you hurt either. Are you sure that Angel isn't... focusing on you because of who you look like?

> > Who's Wesley?

> He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my replacement in a  
way.

Oh. I think Cordelia mentioned him, sort of, one of the times she and I talked.

> > > Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you.

> > You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like Cordelia  
now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. 

> I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my past. Or  
my feelings.

I know. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you saying it in Cordelia's voice, and it was kind of weird.

> > > I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as  
mine was.

> > That's just a sign of how much he cares about you.

> Or how little he cares about himself.

You'd know more about that than I do.

> > > Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot  
sooner.

> > You did the best you could at the time.

> Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy.

Stop. That's enough.

> > > Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you  
planning on explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's  
not a half demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a  
woman?

And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird  
off kilter movie of the week on Lifetime?

> > Oh, I told him all about it. He knows. I guess he thinks it's a little  
bit weird, but then he's used to listening to me go on and on about  
things that he thinks are weird.

> Okay, now I'm worried about what kind of guy he is. Because even among the  
people I hang around who are a little weird themselves this pulled them up  
short.

I've told him about the mating habits of demons who rip off each other's legs and copulate with them. And about how Hrochlater demons change sex during a molting period that happens twice a year, and eat their young if the timing is off. So I kind of think that someone coming back in a different body sounds like small potatoes.

Well, other than to the person it happens to, obviously.

> > > You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a  
difference in accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past  
show up again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing  
dresses yet) to be a part of your family life.

> > Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he?

I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding.

> I hope so.

Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but...

I'm still worried.

Well try not to be. Trust me when I say it's fine.

> > > > You can share it, a little bit. If you want to.

> > > I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you.

> > Don't worry about me. Everything in my life's... pretty much perfect.  
You being back is just the icing on the cake.

> Good. I hope so.

Thank you. For caring.

> > > I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I  
always was.

> > I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you.

> So then it shouldn't bother you when I say things like I fell for you like a ton  
of bricks, should it?

I know. It doesn't. I mean, it did, because I was imagining you looking like Cordelia.

> > There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone --  
is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And...  
you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died?

> Yeah, I did. Not that I ever thought anything was going to ever come from it.  
But yeah, I watched him, admired... lusted. All of that.

Oh. Well good. As long as you're happy. That's what matters.

> > > Security, like you said.

> > Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially since  
you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard.

> Yeah. I lucked out with them.

You really did. But they lucked out with you too.

> > Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk  
about?

> Things with Angel are good. Great.

We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word.

He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time  
reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm not going  
anywhere.

In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and  
experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't talk  
about again. ;-)

That's good. It does sound good. And you don't... think that he looks at you and sees Cordelia?

Love from  
Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > I mean it's more important that we deal with what happened with Connor  
than the mind-wipe.

> Oh, okay.

Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened  
with Connor. It's done.

We're both still reeling from it though.

> > > > I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened  
because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how  
you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but  
mostly you.

> > > I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand,  
and I know there was a lot going on.

> > I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot.

> Funny how it kind of makes you feel better, even in situations when you  
think maybe nothing could.

Yes.

Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do?

> > It was always the plan to give him back, when it was safe.

And I fully expected that would be the last I was allowed to see Connor, or that  
you would ever want to see again me afterwards.

I knew what I was doing when I walked out of there with him.

Or so I thought.

> There were reasons for you thinking what you did. I mean, not like you  
pulled that prophecy out of your ass. You didn't have any reason to  
think it wasn't for real.

Thank you for saying that.

I did try everything to disprove it, but everything I tried just made it seem more real.

> And it means a lot that you'd go through stuff like that to keep him  
safe. For me, and for him.

I'm so sorry I failed.

> For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I  
think I would have understood. Not been mad.

I... never let myself even think that. Hope for that. I didn't dare.

> > The world needs you in it. I'd do anything to ensure that.

Still will.

> I hope not.

I mean, you shouldn't think like that. It's not like I'm some...  
whatever. Savior. Sure, I'm trying not to make the world a worse place,  
trying to help people where I can. But so are you. We're not any  
different really.

That's what Doyle keeps telling me -- that you and I are the same.

We're not though. You're a champion, designated so by the Powers that Be.

I'm just a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't take too much of my soul.

> Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing.

Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the greater scheme.

> > Protecting Connor we both agree is the utmost priority.

> You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the  
deal, do you?

I don't think so. As you said, I don't think the spell completely took on me in the first place.

You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to remember.

> > > Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that  
way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a  
way to set things straight.

> > You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that.

That's more than many fathers do.

> I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean  
that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to  
him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but  
maybe I made too many mistakes.

I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control touched and shaped him.

> Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean? 

My father has never told me he loves me.

> > I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving myself  
any easier.

> Probably not. You might get there though, eventually. I hope.

I'm learning to live with it. Regret leaves a bitter aftertaste but you get used  
to it after a while.

> If there IS anything I can do, let me know?

I think you're already doing it.

> > > I know why you did it. I forgive you.

> > I don't think I can express how much that means.

Thank you.

> Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just  
kind of happened.

That seems to be the way these things happen. You turn around one day and realise a nearly fatal injury is little more than a twinge.

> > > What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden*  
anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too.

> > Forgetting isn't what it's cracked up to be. Take it from someone who  
knows.

> Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think  
about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would  
have been the way to go.

It wouldn't have been.

> > I'm not going anywhere -- not until you ask me to.

Whenever you need to talk, I'm here and I'll do my best.

> Thanks.

We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again.

Neither do I.

> > > Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds  
me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um,  
not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything  
though.

> > Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them.

> Yeah, something like that.

I rather had thought so.

> You know anyone who might be good for the job?

I'm sure Wolfram and Hart has some construction division.

> > > > I don't know. More of this? Talking?

> > > Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that.

> > It's not something I consider myself all that adept at either; Doyle seems to  
have the market cornered on that. But we can only try our best.

> Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I  
guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and  
all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality  
of it's gonna hit him.

He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit worried about his reaction as well. So you may be right.

> > > Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean?

> > Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what  
you're feeling.

> Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if  
it's, you know, mad at me.

I'm not angry at you. Not now.

Wes

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened  
with Connor. It's done.

> We're both still reeling from it though.

Well, you can take my word that dwelling on it? Doesn't really help.

Sorry. I just don't know if this... all this talking...

Kind of easier not to think about it.

> > > I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot.

> > Funny how it kind of makes you feel better, even in situations when you  
think maybe nothing could.

> Yes.

Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do?

I don't know? What don't you understand?

IS there anything you don't understand? Um, I mean, that I could help with. Physics and science stuff like that, you're better off asking Fred.

> > There were reasons for you thinking what you did. I mean, not like you  
pulled that prophecy out of your ass. You didn't have any reason to  
think it wasn't for real.

> Thank you for saying that.

I did try everything to disprove it, but everything I tried just made it seem  
more real.

I can imagine what that must have been like. No wonder you got to the point where you were so freaked.

I wish Cordy had been around. I think things might have been different.

> > And it means a lot that you'd go through stuff like that to keep him  
safe. For me, and for him.

> I'm so sorry I failed. 

I know you are.

> > For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I  
think I would have understood. Not been mad.

> I... never let myself even think that. Hope for that. I didn't dare.

It sounds like you weren't thinking too clearly at that point. Just kind of reacting. I get that.

> > I mean, you shouldn't think like that. It's not like I'm some...  
whatever. Savior. Sure, I'm trying not to make the world a worse place,  
trying to help people where I can. But so are you. We're not any  
different really.

> That's what Doyle keeps telling me -- that you and I are the same.

We're not though. You're a champion, designated so by the Powers that Be.

I'm just a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't take too much  
of my soul.

Hope you haven't traded away any bits of it you might need later.

Um... I mean that seriously. I'm not being flip or anything.

And... I'm not a champion. Honest.

> > Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing.

> Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the greater  
scheme.

Yeah it does. Actually a lot.

> > You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the  
deal, do you?

> I don't think so. As you said, I don't think the spell completely took on me in  
the first place.

You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to remember.

Why? I mean... why would she want that?

> > > You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that.

That's more than many fathers do. 

> > I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean  
that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to  
him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but  
maybe I made too many mistakes.

> I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control touched  
and shaped him.

There should have been a way to reach him.

> > Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean?

> My father has never told me he loves me.

I'm... well, I know what that's like. Guess maybe there are reasons we're so similar, huh?

I'm sorry. That's a shitty way to grow up.

> > > I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving  
myself any easier.

> > Probably not. You might get there though, eventually. I hope.

> I'm learning to live with it. Regret leaves a bitter aftertaste but you get used  
to it after a while.

Yeah. I know all about that too.

Maybe we can find you someone? To, you know... be with?

What about Fred? Now that she and Gunn aren't... well anyway. I guess it's none of my business. Tell me to butt out if you want to.

> > If there IS anything I can do, let me know?

> I think you're already doing it.

Okay, that's scary. Because all I'm doing is babbling.

> > Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just  
kind of happened.

> That seems to be the way these things happen. You turn around one day and  
realise a nearly fatal injury is little more than a twinge.

Yeah.

Kinda sad, in a way. That stuff can sort of happen without you noticing it, I mean.

> > Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think  
about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would  
have been the way to go.

> It wouldn't have been.

Maybe not.

> > We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again.

> Neither do I.

Good. So we're a couple of stubborn guys... we can make this work, right?

> > > Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them.

> > Yeah, something like that.

> I rather had thought so.

> > You know anyone who might be good for the job?

> I'm sure Wolfram and Hart has some construction division.

Yeah. I know. Just... don't know if I want them going into the hotel, you know? I mean, I know plenty of them have probably been in there before, but... it's kind of my place. I want to keep it separate.

Still, maybe there's some independent contractors or something.

> > Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I  
guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and  
all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality  
of it's gonna hit him.

> He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit worried about  
his reaction as well. So you may be right.

You mean he's worried that he's not more freaked out?

> > > Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know  
what you're feeling. 

> > Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if  
it's, you know, mad at me.

> I'm not angry at you. Not now.

But you were. Would it make you feel better to talk about it?

\- Angel

__________

To: Harry  
From: Doyle

Hi Harry,

> > I don't make excuses for what happened, Harry. Do you know the very  
first vision I had was of those poor people's death? I got to see and feel it  
happen. So somebody somewhere obviously thought I was at fault.

> It wasn't a punishment. It might have felt like one, but that's not  
what it was. You can't keep believing that it was. That's not healthy.

Punishment, discipline, showing me the error of my ways and making sure I change them, whatever you want to call it.

Still started with me experiencing the deaths of people I turned away when they asked for help.

> > > You didn't know that was going to happen to them.

> > Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a  
pretty big hint.

> Okay, I see what you're saying, but you didn't *know.*

I didn't want to know.

> It must have been very hard. I can tell you feel guilty. Responsible.

Yeah. Wouldn't you?

> I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could say.

There's nothing anyone can say. It is what it is.

> > > > Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most  
to them because it's the only way they see to make things right.

> > > I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here.

> > I'm not. But it's not something I'm free to talk about.

> Okay. I won't ask.

Thanks.

> > > I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear  
that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd  
want to keep an eye on him.

> > Yeah. Both eyes even.

And other things.

Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh?

> You're saying that Cordelia and Angel had a thing? And now you're in  
Cordelia's body and you and Angel have a thing?

Cordelia and Angel never had a thing. There was feelings there, but they never acted on them.

> I don't want to hurt you, Francis. You must know that's the last thing  
I want. But I don't want to see you hurt either. Are you sure that  
Angel isn't... focusing on you because of who you look like?

Angel and I started our... thing before I got put in Cordelia's body. I was still in the computer when we started talking and... other things. Least on his end. I was pretty much stuck with just talking.

> > > Who's Wesley?

> > He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my  
replacement in a way.

> Oh. I think Cordelia mentioned him, sort of, one of the times she and I  
talked.

You and Cordelia talked a lot?

> > > > Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you.

> > > You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like  
Cordelia now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that.

> > I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my  
past. Or my feelings.

> I know. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you saying it in Cordelia's  
voice, and it was kind of weird.

Do me a favour and stop inserting Cordelia into our past? The present and future, fine. But I'd like to think you're remembering me the way I was when we talk about when we were together.

> > > > I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as  
mine was.

> > > That's just a sign of how much he cares about you.

> > Or how little he cares about himself.

> You'd know more about that than I do.

Yeah. I'm trying to fix that.

> > > You did the best you could at the time.

> > Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy.

> Stop. That's enough.

Just the truth, Harry.

> > Okay, now I'm worried about what kind of guy he is. Because even among the  
people I hang around who are a little weird themselves this pulled them up  
short.

> I've told him about the mating habits of demons who rip off each  
other's legs and copulate with them. And about how Hrochlater demons  
change sex during a molting period that happens twice a year, and eat  
their young if the timing is off. So I kind of think that someone  
coming back in a different body sounds like small potatoes.

There's hearing about things in colourful little anecdotes and having one potentially become part of your extended family.

> Well, other than to the person it happens to, obviously.

I'm dealing.

> > > Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he?

I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding.

> > I hope so.

Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but...

I'm still worried.

> Well try not to be. Trust me when I say it's fine.

I'll do my best.

Still not going to any belated bachelor parties or anything ;)

> > > I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you.

> > So then it shouldn't bother you when I say things like I fell for you  
like a ton of bricks, should it?

> I know. It doesn't. I mean, it did, because I was imagining you looking  
like Cordelia.

Don't.

Or maybe, do, if it means you won't freak out on me when we talk in person.

> > > There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone  
\-- is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And...  
you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died?

> > Yeah, I did. Not that I ever thought anything was going to ever come  
from it. But yeah, I watched him, admired... lusted. All of that.

> Oh. Well good. As long as you're happy. That's what matters.

I am.

> > > Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially  
since you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard.

> > Yeah. I lucked out with them.

> You really did. But they lucked out with you too. 

Thanks.

> > > Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk  
about?

> > Things with Angel are good. Great.

We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word.

He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time  
reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm  
not going anywhere.

In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and  
experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't  
talk about again. ;-)

> That's good. It does sound good. And you don't... think that he looks  
at you and sees Cordelia?

No.

At least, not in the way you mean. Once when he was more asleep than awake he called me Cordelia -- and then spent the rest of the day apologising.

But I don't feel like a substitute.

Francis

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Harry

Hi Francis.

> > It wasn't a punishment. It might have felt like one, but that's not  
what it was. You can't keep believing that it was. That's not healthy.

> Punishment, discipline, showing me the error of my ways and making sure I change  
them, whatever you want to call it.

Still started with me experiencing the deaths of people I turned away when they  
asked for help.

Obviously I'm not going to talk you out of your perception of what happened.

> > > Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a  
pretty big hint.

> > Okay, I see what you're saying, but you didn't *know.*

> I didn't want to know.

I can understand why. No one would have.

> > It must have been very hard. I can tell you feel guilty. Responsible.

> Yeah. Wouldn't you?

That's a hard question to answer. Yes, I think I would have felt guilty, but I also think that after a while I'd be able to set it aside.

> > I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could say.

> There's nothing anyone can say. It is what it is.

I hear what you're saying.

> > > Yeah. Both eyes even.

And other things.

Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh?

> > You're saying that Cordelia and Angel had a thing? And now you're in  
Cordelia's body and you and Angel have a thing?

> Cordelia and Angel never had a thing. There was feelings there, but they never  
acted on them.

Never? Not at all?

I... don't mean to sound so surprised. I guess I just am. Angel and Cordelia... neither of struck me as the kinds of people who would let something like that go, if they were feeling it.

> > I don't want to hurt you, Francis. You must know that's the last thing  
I want. But I don't want to see you hurt either. Are you sure that  
Angel isn't... focusing on you because of who you look like?

> Angel and I started our... thing before I got put in Cordelia's body. I was  
still in the computer when we started talking and... other things. Least on his  
end. I was pretty much stuck with just talking.

But since then? He doesn't seem to just be interested in how... female your body is? Was he ever with a man before?

I'm sorry. This is probably none of my business. I just want to look out for you.

> > > > Who's Wesley?

> > > He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my  
replacement in a way.

> > Oh. I think Cordelia mentioned him, sort of, one of the times she and I talked.

> You and Cordelia talked a lot?

Not a lot, no. But a couple of times, after you died. Just checking in, to make sure she was okay. Which she mostly was.

> > > I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my  
past. Or my feelings.

> > I know. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you saying it in Cordelia's  
voice, and it was kind of weird.

> Do me a favour and stop inserting Cordelia into our past? The present and  
future, fine. But I'd like to think you're remembering me the way I was when we  
talk about when we were together.

Oh I am. It's not that at all. It's just that when I read your email, I'm picturing you, and then I realize that you look like Cordelia and there's just this moment of weirdness. The rest of the time I know it's you.

> > > > You did the best you could at the time.

> > > Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy.

> > Stop. That's enough.

> Just the truth, Harry.

It might be the truth, but you don't need to keep repeating it.

> > I've told him about the mating habits of demons who rip off each  
other's legs and copulate with them. And about how Hrochlater demons  
change sex during a molting period that happens twice a year, and eat  
their young if the timing is off. So I kind of think that someone  
coming back in a different body sounds like small potatoes.

> There's hearing about things in colourful little anecdotes and having one  
potentially become part of your extended family.

Well there's also seeing pictures in books, and hearing recordings of said mating rituals.

But I see your point.

> > > Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but...

I'm still worried.

> > Well try not to be. Trust me when I say it's fine.

> I'll do my best.

Still not going to any belated bachelor parties or anything ;)

I think you'd be well within your rights never to go to another bachelor party again.

> > I know. It doesn't. I mean, it did, because I was imagining you looking  
like Cordelia.

> Don't.

Or maybe, do, if it means you won't freak out on me when we talk in person.

I'm not going to freak out.

> > > Things with Angel are good. Great.

We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word.

He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time  
reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm not going  
anywhere.

In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and  
experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't  
talk about again. ;-)

> > That's good. It does sound good. And you don't... think that he looks  
at you and sees Cordelia?

> No.

At least, not in the way you mean. Once when he was more asleep than awake he  
called me Cordelia -- and then spent the rest of the day apologising.

But I don't feel like a substitute.

Well good. You're... a better person than I am, I think. I'm not sure, under the circumstances, if I could handle that. I'm glad that it's working for you.

Just... be careful? I won't say it again, but I don't want to see you get hurt by this. By him.

Talk to you tomorrow?

Love from  
Harry

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > > Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened  
with Connor. It's done.

> > We're both still reeling from it though.

> Well, you can take my word that dwelling on it? Doesn't really help.

Sorry. I just don't know if this... all this talking...

Kind of easier not to think about it.

I'll stop if you want me to.

> > Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do?

> I don't know? What don't you understand?

IS there anything you don't understand? Um, I mean, that I could help  
with. Physics and science stuff like that, you're better off asking  
Fred.

There's plenty of things I don't understand. I'm far from omniscient. Far from infallible.

As I know I've proven, sadly.

> > I did try everything to disprove it, but everything I tried just made it seem  
more real.

> I can imagine what that must have been like. No wonder you got to the  
point where you were so freaked.

Freaked is a good word. There was this prophecy that try as I might I couldn't disprove, and you were acting all weird, joking about Connor being a snack and I was dreaming I had blood on my hands and...

It wasn't a good time.

> I wish Cordy had been around. I think things might have been different.

Maybe.

> > > For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I  
think I would have understood. Not been mad.

> > I... never let myself even think that. Hope for that. I didn't dare.

> It sounds like you weren't thinking too clearly at that point. Just  
kind of reacting. I get that.

I was trying to plan out everything, balance everything, but yes. In the end I was so sick at heart and exhausted I was just going through the motions of what I had to do.

> > That's what Doyle keeps telling me -- that you and I are the same.

We're not though. You're a champion, designated so by the Powers that Be.

I'm just a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't  
take too much of my soul.

> Hope you haven't traded away any bits of it you might need later.

I don't know.

> Um... I mean that seriously. I'm not being flip or anything.

Lilah said something to me once -- that once you add black to white, it doesn't matter how much more white you pour in. It's still going to be grey.

> And... I'm not a champion. Honest.

Close enough for me.

> > > Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing.

> > Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the greater  
scheme.

> Yeah it does. Actually a lot.

No. Not in anything that matters.

> > > You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the  
deal, do you?

> > I don't think so. As you said, I don't think the spell completely took on me in  
the first place.

You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to  
remember.

> Why? I mean... why would she want that?

Because she knew how important knowledge was -- is -- to me.

I've other skills now but for the longest time my mind, my memory were pretty much all I could contribute productively.

Losing them...

Is my idea of hell.

> > > I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean  
that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to  
him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but  
maybe I made too many mistakes.

> > I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control  
touched and shaped him.

> There should have been a way to reach him.

There comes a certain point where he has to want to be reached.

> > > Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean?

> > My father has never told me he loves me.

> I'm... well, I know what that's like. Guess maybe there are reasons  
we're so similar, huh? 

Because we both had fathers who pushed and pushed and pushed and were always quick to remind us we'd never amount to anything?

> I'm sorry. That's a shitty way to grow up.

Likewise.

> > I'm learning to live with it. Regret leaves a bitter aftertaste but you get used  
to it after a while.

> Yeah. I know all about that too.

Maybe we can find you someone? To, you know... be with?

What about Fred? Now that she and Gunn aren't... well anyway. I guess  
it's none of my business. Tell me to butt out if you want to.

Not Fred. The moment for that, if it ever existed, has well and truly passed.

> > > If there IS anything I can do, let me know?

> > I think you're already doing it.

> Okay, that's scary. Because all I'm doing is babbling.

Exactly. You're talking to me again.

> > > Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just  
kind of happened.

> > That seems to be the way these things happen. You turn around one day and  
realise a nearly fatal injury is little more than a twinge.

> Yeah.

Kinda sad, in a way. That stuff can sort of happen without you noticing  
it, I mean.

Usually you're too distracted with other things that are happening that seem more important.

> > > Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think  
about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would  
have been the way to go.

> > It wouldn't have been. 

> Maybe not.

What are we but the sum of our memories? Do you want to take Connor from what makes you who you are?

> > > We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again.

> > Neither do I.

> Good. So we're a couple of stubborn guys... we can make this work,  
right?

I hope so.

> > > > Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them.

> > > Yeah, something like that.

> > I rather had thought so.

> > > You know anyone who might be good for the job?

> > I'm sure Wolfram and Hart has some construction division.

> Yeah. I know. Just... don't know if I want them going into the hotel,  
you know? I mean, I know plenty of them have probably been in there  
before, but... it's kind of my place. I want to keep it separate.

Still, maybe there's some independent contractors or something.

I can ask around, do some research for you. Or perhaps Doyle? Give him something to do?

> > > Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I  
guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and  
all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality  
of it's gonna hit him.

> > He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit  
worried about his reaction as well. So you may be right.

> You mean he's worried that he's not more freaked out?

Yes. That, like you said, it will hit him sooner or later.

> > > > Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know  
what you're feeling. 

> > > Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if  
it's, you know, mad at me.

> > I'm not angry at you. Not now.

> But you were. Would it make you feel better to talk about it?

I don't want to be angry at you anymore.

Wes

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > > We're both still reeling from it though.

> > Well, you can take my word that dwelling on it? Doesn't really help.

Sorry. I just don't know if this... all this talking...

Kind of easier not to think about it.

> I'll stop if you want me to.

It's not that. I guess there are just times when I wonder what's the point.

> > > Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do?

> > I don't know? What don't you understand?

IS there anything you don't understand? Um, I mean, that I could help  
with. Physics and science stuff like that, you're better off asking  
Fred.

> There's plenty of things I don't understand. I'm far from omniscient. Far from  
infallible.

As I know I've proven, sadly.

No one's perfect.

> > I can imagine what that must have been like. No wonder you got to the  
point where you were so freaked.

> Freaked is a good word. There was this prophecy that try as I might I couldn't  
disprove, and you were acting all weird, joking about Connor being a snack and I  
was dreaming I had blood on my hands and...

It wasn't a good time.

I wish you'd felt like you could have told us what was going on.

> > I wish Cordy had been around. I think things might have been different.

> Maybe.

You don't think they would have?

> > It sounds like you weren't thinking too clearly at that point. Just  
kind of reacting. I get that.

> I was trying to plan out everything, balance everything, but yes. In the end I  
was so sick at heart and exhausted I was just going through the motions of what  
I had to do.

I know what that feels like. I'm sorry you have to.

> > > I just am a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't  
take too much of my soul.

> > Hope you haven't traded away any bits of it you might need later.

> I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know? Isn't that something you should know?

> > Um... I mean that seriously. I'm not being flip or anything.

> Lilah said something to me once -- that once you add black to white, it doesn't  
matter how much more white you pour in. It's still going to be grey.

There's nothing wrong with grey, Wes. Perfect white, that's pretty much impossible to find, and that's okay.

I'm not getting what colors have to do with your soul though.

> > And... I'm not a champion. Honest.

> Close enough for me. 

Stop deluding yourself.

> > > > Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing.

> > > Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the  
greater scheme.

> > Yeah it does. Actually a lot.

> No. Not in anything that matters.

Just take me at my word when I say you're wrong.

> > > You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to  
remember.

> > Why? I mean... why would she want that?

> Because she knew how important knowledge was -- is -- to me.

I've other skills now but for the longest time my mind, my memory were pretty  
much all I could contribute productively.

Losing them...

Is my idea of hell.

Shit. Wes, I'm sorry.

I'd take it back if I could.

I don't think it's realistic to say that that's all you've got to contribute though. I mean, not to downplay how important a contribution it is.

> > > I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control  
touched and shaped him.

> > There should have been a way to reach him.

> There comes a certain point where he has to want to be reached.

Yeah. Too bad it was too late.

> > > My father has never told me he loves me.

> > I'm... well, I know what that's like. Guess maybe there are reasons  
we're so similar, huh?

> Because we both had fathers who pushed and pushed and pushed and were always  
quick to remind us we'd never amount to anything?

> > I'm sorry. That's a shitty way to grow up.

> Likewise.

Think you'd be good with letting this be one of those things we don't really dwell on? Because to be honest, thinking about it makes me want to hop the next ship to England and punch your dad's face in, and somehow I'm thinking that might not be the best thing to do .

> > Yeah. I know all about that too.

Maybe we can find you someone? To, you know... be with?

What about Fred? Now that she and Gunn aren't... well anyway. I guess  
it's none of my business. Tell me to butt out if you want to.

> Not Fred. The moment for that, if it ever existed, has well and truly passed.

Okay.

Someone else?

> > > > If there IS anything I can do, let me know?

> > > I think you're already doing it.

> > Okay, that's scary. Because all I'm doing is babbling.

> Exactly. You're talking to me again.

Again, I say... scary.

> > Kinda sad, in a way. That stuff can sort of happen without you noticing  
it, I mean.

> Usually you're too distracted with other things that are happening that seem  
more important.

I guess.

> > > > Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think  
about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would  
have been the way to go.

> > > It wouldn't have been.

> > Maybe not.

> What are we but the sum of our memories? Do you want to take Connor from what  
makes you who you are?

No? But on the other hand, I'm not real crazy about the way thinking about him makes me want to, you know, punch holes in the walls. Because then at LEAST one hand is bruised and bloody, and I have to come up with excuses for what happened.

> > Yeah. I know. Just... don't know if I want them going into the hotel,  
you know? I mean, I know plenty of them have probably been in there  
before, but... it's kind of my place. I want to keep it separate.

Still, maybe there's some independent contractors or something.

> I can ask around, do some research for you. Or perhaps Doyle? Give him something  
to do?

Then I'd have to tell him about how the holes got there in the first place, and he'd be all worried.

Don't knock yourself out, but yeah, if you come up with anyone, let me know? Thanks.

> > > He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit  
worried about his reaction as well. So you may be right.

> > You mean he's worried that he's not more freaked out?

> Yes. That, like you said, it will hit him sooner or later.

Kinda figure it's bound to. I mean, it's normal to actually react to stuff. Emotional stuff.

> > > I'm not angry at you. Not now.

> > But you were. Would it make you feel better to talk about it?

> I don't want to be angry at you anymore.

Okay. Well good. Because I'm not saying I want you to be mad at me.

I'm good with putting the mad behind us.

Promised Doyle I'd go home after that three o'clock thing, so I'm out of here. You know where to find me. Have a good night, okay? I'll talk to you in the morning.

\- Angel


	22. Chapter 22

Doyle shut down the computer when he heard the door open. "Angel?"

He didn't make it further than the office doorway when he almost bumping into Angel, who put his hands out to steady him. "Hi."

"Hi." He searched Angel's face for a hint of what the vampire was feeling. "You okay?"

Angel nodded, then wrapped his arms around Doyle and hugged him tightly. "Missed you."

There was something about Angel's embraces that could make the concerns Doyle had been worrying at fall to the side. "Missed you too," he said, wrapping his arms around Angel in turn and leaning against him with a sigh.

"*You* okay? You sound tired."

He nodded, though he didn't raise his head; it felt too good to just rest against Angel's body. "Just been a long day."

"What do you want to do?" Angel pulled back far enough to look at him, both hands on his cheeks, cradling his face protectively. "You hungry? Do you want to grab a nap?"

"I'm fine." Doyle smiled a little, letting a bit of his amusement show through as he said, "Wesley brought enough lunch to feed a medium-sized army. I doubt I'm going to be hungry for at least a day."

Angel smiled too, tentatively. "Well... good. You don't need anything?"

"Other than this?" Doyle leaned his head against Angel again. "This is good."

"Okay. I can do this." Angel's arms tightened briefly, comfortingly.

"Good." Doyle wasn't quite sure why he was feeling quite this... well he didn't know if it would qualify as clingy but he wasn't going to quibble words in his own thoughts. The emails with Harry had been delving into areas that were maybe a little disturbing, but it was nothing that he should be letting get under his skin.

Should it?

Another minute or so passed before Angel cleared his throat. "You sure you're okay? I mean, not that I'm complaining, but..."

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" Doyle asked, with a bit more cheer than maybe he should.

"Okay, now I know you're not." Angel propelled Doyle over to the nearest chair, sat him down, and crouched down between his legs, looking up at him. "Something's wrong. Tell me."

"It's nothing," Doyle said, shaking his head. "Really. I just... I've been talking to Harry and..."

"And what?" Angel's voice was gentle.

"Some topics came up that were a little disturbing." He shrugged. "It's nothing."

"Doesn't sound like nothing."

"Nothing new," he corrected. "Well mostly nothing new." And he could just stop being honest about this any time if he wanted Angel to stop worrying.

"Isn't this where I should point out that you don't let *me* get away with stuff like that?" Angel took one of Doyle's hands between both of his and held it.

Doyle sighed and chose the topic least likely to upset Angel in turn. "We were talking about when I first got the visions." He watched as Angel kissed his knuckles, then turned his hand to press another kiss onto his palm.

"Okay... You don't think the fact that you sacrificed yourself for all those people... including me, and Cordy... means that you can stop feeling guilty about it?" Angel asked.

"I'm not obsessing about it or anything. Yeah, I feel like I've atoned, but Harry..." Doyle sighed. "She doesn't want to admit that I did anything that needed atoning for."

"She just cares about you. Doesn't like to see you beating yourself up over something that's in the past." Angel grinned a little sadly. "I know what that's like."

"There's not wanting to see me beating myself up about the past and there's dismissing my interpretation of what happened like I couldn't possibly know my own history."

"So... you're mad at her?" Angel sounded like he was fumbling for an interpretation of his own.

"Yes," Doyle said, then immediately changed his mind, and said, "No." He frowned and shook his head. "I don't know."

"You don't want to be mad at her."

He laughed a little. "I've never wanted to be mad at Harry."

Angel shifted his weight slightly, without letting go of Doyle's hand. "Do you think you're doing that transference thing? You know, where you're really mad about something else?"

Doyle sighed. "Y'know, you're smarter than you look," he joked half-heartedly.

"Is that supposed to be flattery?"

"Just observation. And maybe a weak attempt at a joke." Doyle brushed a hand against Angel's face. "And you're right. There's more."

"You can tell me," Angel said, with some hesitation. "You can tell me anything. You know that, don't you?"

Angel was so very earnest, Doyle couldn't resist leaning in and kissing him. "You've come a long way, ya know that?"

"If I have, it's because of you." Angel slid one of his hands back into Doyle's hair and pulled him in for a longer kiss, then nuzzled his ear. "Tell me what's wrong?"

"Persistent too." He sighed again, realising that Angel wasn't going to stop asking until he told him. "I guess it's all just starting to hit me," Doyle said softly, closing his eyes and leaning into his lover's touch. "Harry and I were talking about old times and I said something about how I used to feel about her and she got all uncomfortable. Because I'm in this body."

"Well, you've gotta give her a chance to get used to the idea," Angel said, reasonably enough. "But she got over the Brachen thing. She can get over this too."

"I know," Doyle said. "I know. It's just-" He gestured in frustration. "I'm going to have to go through this over and over. Everyone's got to get used to it."

"Yeah." Angel looked... sorry, would probably be the best word.

"And it's not like before. I don't have another, normal face I can switch to. Just this one." Doyle wanted to get up and pace but couldn't with Angel kneeling in front of him.

"I'm sorry," Angel said quietly, and somehow hearing it put to words didn't make Doyle feel any better. Possibly worse, since Angel stood up -- getting out of his way, which under other circumstances he'd have been grateful for. "You shouldn't have had to... we shouldn't have..."

Oh for... "I didn't tell you this so you could turn this something you can beat yourself up with," Doyle said sharply. "Hard as it might be to believe, this isn't about you."

For the look on Angel's face, Doyle might as well have hit him. He just looked at Doyle for a long minute, then slowly nodded. "Right. Okay. Sorry. I just... I don't know how to help." Angel's lower lip was twitching like he had a tic. "How can I help?"

"You can't," Doyle told him bluntly. But then, unable to bear that look on Angel's face, he sighed and got to his feet, crossing the room to where Angel was now standing. "Just keep treating me like me. And offer those hugs when I need 'em."

Angel blinked uncertainly. "Would this be one of those times?"

"It could be, yeah."

"It's gonna be okay, you know," Angel said, folding him into a strong embrace. "It might take a little while, but... it'll be okay."

Doyle let himself lean against Angel and believe the words. Whatever else was wrong, this, Angel's arms around him, was right. "I know."

"So what can I do? You want me to talk to Harry?" It was clear from Angel's tone of voice that he'd rather do pretty much anything else.

Doyle chuckled, though he was touched at the offer. "I wouldn't do that to you." He leaned back enough to look up and meet Angel's eyes. "But thanks."

Obviously relieved, Angel smiled at him. "No problem. I could maybe, you know... distract you?" The vampire leaned down and kissed him soundly, one hand resting on the small of his back, pulling him in close.

It seemed like as good a solution as any to the way Doyle was feeling, at least for the moment. "I won't say no," he murmured, leaning in for another kiss.

"Just want you to be okay," Angel said between kisses. "Whatever it takes."

"That means a lot." Doyle tilted his head back, giving Angel easier access. "It really does."

Angel was walking him backward toward the couch, slowly, stopping now and then to kiss and caress. "Were you serious about that vacation thing?"

"Yeah, if we're talking about a mutual thing." He slid his arms up around Angel's neck. "Not so much if you're talking about me taking one alone."

"Nah. What fun would that be?"

"That would be my point." Doyle grinned.

Angel's lips teased his, their tongues exploring each other. "Where would you want to go?"

"Dunno. Somewhere warm and tropical like we discussed?" He closed his eyes briefly as the light kisses deepened. "Or somewhere cold so we have to curl up in front of a fire."

"Mmm. That sounds nice too." Angel's hands were cupping his ass, pulling him closer.

"Or," Doyle said, pressing himself against Angel, sliding his hands down Angel's back then back up underneath his shirt, "we could just tell everyone we're going away and stay here in bed."

Angel growled playfully into the next kiss, nipping at Doyle's lips. "Even better. You don't think I'd wear you out?"

Doyle felt like melting under the attention. "I think I'd have fun seeing if you could."

"That sounds like a challenge." One of Angel's hands moved around between them, thumb brushing over Doyle's nipple very, very lightly.

Oh yeah, melting and getting hot and wanting more all at once. "If I say it is, ya going to start right now?"

"Depends on if you want me to." Angel seemed to know just how to touch him, just how to move against him.

"Want would probably be too tame a word."

Angel's tongue was tracing his ear now, gentle fingers tucking his longer hair back out of the way. "Could undress you right here," Angel whispered softly.

Doyle's eyes fluttered shut again and he leaned back against Angel's hand. "Yeah, you could." He paused for a second, relishing the fingers touching him. "What're ya waiting for?"

Maybe that question *had* been what Angel was waiting for, since in short order he pulled Doyle's shirt up over his head, gathering the fabric together in one hand before it cleared Doyle's wrists and trapping him there. "You in some kind of hurry?" Angel asked, his voice unbelievably gentle in contrast to his grip.

"Just to get started," Doyle replied, hearing the certain breathy tone that he'd already identified with being incredibly turned on creep into his voice.

Angel tightened his fist, yanking Doyle's hands a tiny increment higher. "I think I like you impatient," Angel said, tracing one finger down Doyle's throat.

"I can do impatient."

"Oh, I know." Angel sounded smug.

"I'd be offended by that expression if I wasn't sure you're going to make it worth my while," Doyle said, struggling just a bit for effect.

Angel used his free hand to catch hold of Doyle's chin, and kissed him. There was something about the way he restrained Doyle that spoke of both his sheer power but also his gentleness. It made Doyle a little bit weak in the knees. "I'm gonna make you come so many times that you're going to beg me to stop."

And that made Doyle a lot weak in the knees. "Now *that* sounds like a challenge."

"No," Angel said, undoing the front of Doyle's jeans and sliding the zipper down, then pushing his hand down inside. "Not a challenge. Just fun."

Doyle couldn't stop himself from gasping or from pushing forward against Angel's hand. "Can't argue with that so far..."

Before he could say anything else, Angel yanked his shirt the rest of the way off, freeing his hands. Then the vampire dropped to his knees in front of Doyle, both his own hands working to get his tight jeans over the swell of rounded hips.

Doyle wriggled helpfully, feeling acutely aware of his body as the material slid down over his skin.

"You smell good," Angel said, against Doyle's inner thigh. His tongue flicked out quickly in one smooth lick. "Taste good too."

"Always a good thing to know," Doyle asserted as he caught his breath at another lick. "Would hate to think I tasted like brussel sprouts or something."

"Mm, no." A third lick, just as precise as the first two. "So. How many times..." lick number four, "do you think you can come in one night?"

That was a good question. "I dunno."

"Maybe this could be another one of those experiments, then." Angel's hands were gripping Doyle's hips, pushing him gently backward and then down onto the couch, then spreading his legs wide.

This definitely felt wicked and wanton; sitting naked in this office where anyone who happened into the lobby would be able to look in and see him. See him on display and see Angel looking at him like that. "Experimenting is to be encouraged."

"Don't think I need a lot of encouragement." Angel's mouth was so close to Doyle's skin that he could feel the vampire's cool breath with every word. "Just... any time you want me to stop, you tell me. Okay?" Without waiting for an answer, Angel started to lick Doyle again, tracing all of the most sensitive spots between his legs.

Doyle groaned and let his head fall back against the cushions of the couch as Angel quickly drove him crazy with his tongue.

In what might have been a long time, but actually seemed like the blink of an eye, he was quivering on the edge of orgasm, his thighs tense and one heel digging into the back of Angel's shoulder. "I want to do this all night," Angel said, his voice low and vibrating, making Doyle shiver. "Taste you, be inside you..."

"God..." Doyle gasped, shivering at the words and their promise. "Angel, please..." He was right on the edge and knew it wasn't going to take much to push him over.

Angel's tongue didn't falter, and when the vampire teased Doyle's opening with two fingers, then slid them slowly inside, it was like all his nerves were set on fire.

Doyle shouted as the pleasure crashed down on him.

Long moments later, he was still shuddering in the echoes of it when he realized that Angel hadn't stopped. Hadn't even slowed down. After another few seconds, Angel pulled away slightly, rubbing his fingertip over Doyle in a close approximation of what his tongue had been doing. "Think you can come again right away?"

"I..." Doyle shuddered and caught his breath, then tried to speak again. "I think... if you keep that up..."

"I think," Angel said, moving upward and licking one of Doyle's nipples while his hand continued to play between Doyle's legs, "that I want you to come again. Right away."

Even while his mind was doubting that he could, Doyle's body was arching and shaking with sensation as it obeyed Angel's request.

This time, Angel slowed the movements of his hand, letting Doyle recover slightly as he kissed him. "Perfect," Angel said, taking Doyle's waist in both hands and pulling him closer to the edge of the couch, then nuzzling back down between his legs. "So fucking perfect."

Doyle moaned, more sensitive now after coming. Somewhere in his pleasure fogged brain the thought was running around that Angel really was serious about seeing how many times he could come in one night.

"Only one thing I want more than I want to be inside you now," Angel murmured against Doyle's inner thigh.

"Wha- What's that?" Doyle stammered in between gasps for air.

"For you to come again," Angel said, licking Doyle's super-sensitized flesh for emphasis. "Just once more." He reached up and fondled one of Doyle's nipples, then traced around it with his fingernail, intensifying the ache. "You think you can do that for me?"

"God..." Doyle groaned, the ache growing in him so intense it was bordering on painful. "Angel..."

"Just one more time," Angel repeated. His voice was soothing, his touch anything but. "And I want you to say my name again, like that, when you do."

The sensations continued to build higher and higher, becoming more and more intense and leaving Doyle trembling and gasping for breath. "Angel..." he repeated again, hovering on that knife's edge.

Angel's tongue flickered, paused for an agonizingly long moment, flickered again. Doyle found himself tensed, waiting for each nerve-searing touch until it came and then shivering when it did.

The pauses made him even more aware of what was happening, though Doyle was so lost in sensation, and the pleasure so intense that his climax just rolled over him as a natural extension and he would be hard pressed to pick the exact second it started.

It seemed to go on forever though.

As he gradually started to come back to himself, still gasping for air and shaking all over, he discovered that Angel was kissing him -- just the sides of his mouth, gently, as if the vampire realized how desperate his need for oxygen was. "Love you," Angel murmured.

Doyle reached up and slid his arms around Angel's neck. He didn't think he could speak just then.

Angel's lips slid down to Doyle's throat and traced the veins there, slowly, delicately. "So good," Angel sighed, then pulled back slightly and asked, "Is it weird if I say you're beautiful?"

"Maybe a little," Doyle admitted after thinking about it. "But I'll take the compliment in the way it was intended."

"Good," Angel said, kissing him again, lingeringly. "Because you are. I was sitting there in my office, and all I could think about was you. Sitting there in those meetings, and all I could think of was you. Your eyes, your voice... how you make me feel..."

Some of the weirdness faded for Doyle as Angel listed off things that were still at least partly intrinsically and definitely his. Smiling, he kissed Angel back and commented, "That must've made for some interesting meetings."

"Guess it made them a little less boring," Angel admitted, grinning wryly. "Good thing I was sitting behind a table, though."

"Too bad I wasn't still in the computer system -- or at least had the access I had then. I could be sending you naughty messages during the meeting."

Angel's grin widened. "You really are incorrigible."

He really did love seeing Angel smile. "What have I been telling you all along?"

Angel hesitated, his smile faltering only very slightly. "That... you love me? Um, you know... in addition to the whole incorrigible thing,"

"Yeah," Doyle replied, kissing that smile. "I love you. Incorrigibly."

Angel returned the kiss with obvious desire and what might have been a little bit of desperation, fingers sliding back down between Doyle's legs to play very gently over his skin. "Was it okay?" he asked.

"It was..." Doyle shifted slightly under Angel's fingers as their touch sent little zings of aftershocks through his system. "It was mind-blowing."

"In a good way?" Angel sounded anxious now.

"Oh yeah. Big time."

Angel relaxed visibly, and Doyle wondered how many times he'd have to reassure him before the vampire stopped thinking that he was on the verge of doing something wrong. "Good. I like that I can do that. Blow your mind." He bent his head and licked Doyle's nipple, and Doyle felt it tighten at the attention.

"You're very good at that," Doyle told him, shifting again against Angel's fingers. "Blowing my mind."

"Wanna see if we can blow it again?" Angel asked, rubbing the front of his slacks against Doyle's inner thigh and demonstrating beyond a doubt his state of arousal.

"Oh yeah," Doyle murmured, the knowledge of how much he turned Angel on a turn on all on its own. He reached a hand down to cup Angel's erection through his clothing. "Maybe see about blowing yours this time too?"

Angel made a soft sound of pleasure at the touch and closed his eyes. "God. You make me so crazy I can't even think straight."

"Thinking crooked can be good in these kind of situations anyway." He squeezed and rubbed, loving how he could see Angel's reactions on his face.

"Don't want to think," Angel said, his fingers losing their purposeful rhythm as he became distracted by what Doyle was doing.

Which made it easier for Doyle to continue doing what he was doing. He paused long enough to undo Angel's slacks. "What do you want to do?" he asked as he slid his fingers in to close around Angel's bare flesh.

Angel hissed and pushed himself against Doyle's hand. "This. Just... feel."

"Do you want to fuck me?" Doyle asked, moving his hand continuously on Angel's cock.

"Christ." Angel shivered. "Always. Every minute of the day."

"That might disrupt those meetings a bit, don't you think?"

"Forget the meetings," Angel said tensely. "Forget the office. I just want to -- " He cut himself off and swallowed, as if afraid he'd said too much.

"You just want to what?" Doyle asked, squeezing Angel's erection then letting go.

Angel groaned at the loss of contact. "God, don't stop."

Doyle brushed his thumb against the tip. "Finish your sentence."

Angel swallowed again, the look he gave Doyle was pained on what seemed to be more than one level. "Forget," he said finally.

It made Doyle's heart ache and he pulled Angel down to kiss him, putting all his love and protectiveness into the gesture.

"Not you," Angel said roughly, resting his forehead against Doyle's when they broke apart. "Just... everything else."

Doyle made the decision that he was going to bully Angel into taking a vacation as soon as he could, and kissed him again. "Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"Fuck me?"

Angel shuddered, then grabbed Doyle around the waist and pulled him right to the edge of the sofa and onto his cock in one motion, sliding deep inside of Doyle, taking his breath away.

All the arousal that had been simmering in him burst once more to a full boil. Gasping, feeling incredibly close to the edge again already, Doyle instinctively arched his hips up to pull Angel deeper.

With a groan of what sounded like relief, Angel thrust in strongly, his fingers splayed across the small of Doyle's back. He caught at Doyle's lips with his own, then pulled back a bit and thrust again, harder.

Each thrust forced a soft cry from Doyle and he could hear the desperation and need in his own voice increasing each time. It was too much and not enough all at the same time.

"Want you to come," Angel said, watching Doyle intently and moving faster, deeper. "Want to see you. Feel you."

Doyle groaned and arched, trying to get more, harder, something. "I- I need-" He gasped and trailed off, unsure how he could have finished the sentence anyway.

When Angel shifted back and rubbed his thumb over the most sensitive spot between Doyle's legs, then sucked hard on one nipple, letting his teeth scrape across it roughly, Doyle's entire body jerked like he'd been shocked with electricity.

He gasped out Angel's name as he lost himself in overwhelming pleasure once again.

Angel growled as Doyle felt his own body clenching around the thrusting cock deep inside him, thrust again, then a third time before stopping. Doyle saw the tightening of Angel's jaw just before his face changed over into vampiric ridges, could feel Angel throb in him as he came, hips jerking.

The feel, the knowledge was enough to send Doyle spiraling up again with a desperate wail.

"That's right," Angel said, as he traced the edge of Doyle's ear with his tongue, keeping his face mostly out of view while Doyle trembled, while little sounds of completion and pleasure whimpered out with every gasping breath.

"Love you," Doyle managed when the pleasure subsided enough that he could speak. He reached out a hand that still trembled slightly to trace the vampiric ridges on Angel's face.

Angel shied away from the touch, not violently, but as if he knew he'd get in trouble for it and tried to abort the reaction at the last moment. "Don't," he said. "Not, you know... like this."

"Yeah, like this," Doyle countered, doggedly continuing to touch Angel. "It doesn't make a difference, Angel."

"It does." Golden eyes met his for just an instant before they turned back to their more familiar brown as Angel's vamp face melted back into hiding. "Not like this," he repeated. "It's one thing when I need it, but this... isn't about that."

"What is this about then?"

Angel didn't withdraw -- Doyle had to give him credit for that -- but it was clear that at least part of him wanted to. "You know," he said helplessly, barely able to look at Doyle. "There's... violence. Stuff that I need sometimes, but this... you and me... it doesn't belong here."

Doyle thought about that as he once again traced his fingers over Angel's now-human features. "I just don't want you to think that what face you wear makes any difference to me. I mean, if anyone knows about being shamed of a demon face it's me, but I don't want you to be. Not with me."

"I know." It wasn't the response that Doyle would have preferred, but at least Angel was leaning into his touch, pressing his cheek against Doyle's palm and closing his eyes. "I don't want to do anything to mess this up," he admitted quietly.

"Good," Doyle said, deliberately teasing. "I'd only be worried if you did."

Angel gave him a strained smile. "I love you."

"Yeah, I'm getting that impression." He kissed Angel gently. "I love you too."

"Even when I get kind of freaked out?"

"Even then."

Angel did move away then, but only far enough to sit down on the sofa himself, pulling Doyle onto his lap. "You still smell amazing," he said, nuzzling into Doyle's hair.

"What do I smell like?" Doyle asked, relaxing against Angel's strong body, feeling completely boneless and content.

Angel seemed to consider the question carefully. "Shampoo," he said first, then paused for a long time. "Um... I don't know. Just... good." He paused again. "Like home."

Doyle smiled and snuggled closer. "I like that."

"Me too." Angel settled himself back into the couch cushions like he intended to get comfortable. "You okay?"

"Am I okay? I just came five times in... how long has it been?"

Angel shrugged slightly, the motion making his shoulder move under Doyle's cheek. "I don't know. Less than an hour probably."

"I just came five times in less than an hour," Doyle finished. "Okay doesn't even come close."

"We could always try for a few more," Angel offered.

Doyle tilted his head back so he could look up at his lover with the minimum of movement. "I think you may be a bit overenthusiastic in your assessment of the situation."

"Which would be your way of saying what, exactly?"

"I'd bet money on being all comed out."

Angel made a soft sound of amusement. "So you don't want to try?"

Doyle waved a hand about lazily. "You can try, but I don't think you're going to get very far."

"Is that a yes, or a no?"

Doyle gasped as Angel's touch had the same effect it always did. "Oh god," he said, his head falling back onto Angel's shoulder.

"So that's a yes?" Angel's arm circled around so that he could play with one of Doyle's nipples while his other hand continued to move between Doyle's legs, two fingers thrusting slowly inside as his thumb pressed against the spot that made Doyle shiver.

"I..." Doyle trailed off as a particularly effective touch forced a soft groan from his lips and all the words from his mind.

He didn't seem capable of doing much more than shifting his hips slightly now and then, but despite that his body reacted with more desire than he would have though possible, considering how many times he'd already come that night. Angel's fingers moved over flesh that was hyper-sensitive to the point of being just this side of actually sore, so gently that he somehow managed to keep the touches from crossing over the line.

There was nothing Doyle could do at that point, but give himself over to Angel and just *feel*. He closed his eyes and let all his weight rest back against Angel's body, little involuntary gasps and whimpers escaping through his parted lips as Angel slowly wove pleasure around and through him yet again.

Angel's fingers, instead of moving more quickly, stayed at the same leisurely pace. "Love you like this," Angel whispered into his ear. "All wound up, and those little sounds you make... I'm hard again just listening to you."

Doyle shivered at that, his whole body sensitised and thrumming to Angel's touch, Angel's words. "Could fuck me again," he suggested breathlessly, totally captive to his desire.

"I could," Angel agreed, thrusting his fingers deeper, but just as slowly, at the same time pressing his own hips forward, rubbing his cock against Doyle.

Another moan bubbled up out of the haze of feelings going through him. "Well?"

"Well what?" Angel asked, clearly amused. But before he could respond, Doyle found himself being lifted up by vampire strength, as if his weight was inconsequential, and then lowered again onto Angel's erection.

Doyle's breath caught at the sudden invasion, then slumped back against Angel, his entire body quivering. Still he managed to reply, "Well, *that*," in a breathy amused voice.

"Yeah." Angel's own voice sounded newly tense now that he was inside Doyle. From this angle he felt even bigger, stretching Doyle, going deeper with the help of the position and gravity. The fingers of one hand continued to tweak Doyle's nipples.

Instinctively Doyle found himself moving his hips; not much, just a little rocking motion that kept the angle of Angel's cock shifting inside of him.

"You feel so good," Angel murmured, his other hand going unerringly back between Doyle's parted thighs to stimulate him further. His lips and tongue traced a small design over Doyle's shoulder blade. "So warm."

Doyle whimpered, becoming more and more lost in what Angel was making him feel.

After another minute or so, Angel took hold of Doyle's waist and lifted him just a little bit, just enough to make it easier to actually thrust up into him. He moved strongly, every thrust filling Doyle so completely that catching his breath became difficult. With Angel's hands otherwise occupied, though, Doyle lost the direct stimulation he'd been enjoying. "Touch yourself," Angel urged, thrusting again.

Doyle hesitated despite the order. He was adjusting fairly well to the body he was in now, but that was one thing he hadn't been able to bring himself to do yet.

"It's okay," Angel said, slowly down. His voice was gentle. "Just try it."

The soft encouragement combined with the growing need Angel's movements were creating broke through Doyle's reticence and he slowly slid a hand down to touch himself.

It was... weird, definitely, but if he only sort of focused on what he was doing to himself, and left the rest of his attention on what Angel was doing, it didn't freak him out *too* much. And the added stimulation, no matter how half-hearted, was enough to push him another step closer to orgasm.

Angel was moving a little bit faster again now; Doyle could tell that the vampire was getting closer too, by the way his thrusts were becoming more like sharp jabs, by the way Angel was making little pained sounds.

He concentrated on Angel, on the noises he was making and the feel of him moving. "Wanna feel you come," he murmured, squeezing his muscles around Angel.

A strangled gasp from Angel, and hands tightening on his waist. "You keep doing that, I'm going to," Angel said warningly.

"That's the idea." Doyle did it again.

Angel groaned and bit the corded skin between Doyle's neck and shoulder, not hard enough to break it. He paused, thrust in another quick jab, gasped again. "Gonna..."

"Yeah," Doyle gasped out, and squeezed Angel again.

He could feel it when Angel came, could feel Angel's cock pulsating inside him and then the shudder that went all through his lover's body. Before it seemed there'd even been time for Angel to ride out his orgasm, Angel's fingers were pushing Doyle's out of the way, brushing over the slick, swollen area between Doyle's legs in a determined fashion.

It was all Doyle needed to come again, harder and more intense than any of the times before, the pleasure shaking him like a rag doll in its grip.

Breathing heavily, he finally found himself draped back over Angel with the vampire pressing gentle kisses to his throat, shoulder, upper arm. "One more time," Angel said, in a voice Doyle wasn't sure was kidding, moving his fingertip over Doyle's sensitive flesh again in a whisper-light touch.

Doyle groaned and reflexively tried to move away. "Don't," he said reaching down and closing his hand around Angel's wrist.

Angel stopped, but didn't pull his wrist out of Doyle's grip. "Okay. Shhh." He nuzzled Doyle's ear.

Gradually Doyle relaxed, leaning bonelessly back again Angel again.

They sat there quietly for a little while, Doyle's breathing returning to normal. "Think we should move upstairs?" Angel asked.

"Not if it actually involves moving," Doyle said with a tired laugh.

"You don't have to," Angel said, standing up with Doyle in his arms, fumbling for a minute to pull up and refasten his slacks, "As long as you're not worried about anyone walking into the hotel while I'm carrying you through the lobby."

"You expecting company?" Doyle shifted so he could rest his head on Angel's shoulder as they headed out of the office.

The sound that escaped Angel held just the smallest amount of bitterness. "No. Other than Wes earlier, you're the first person who's been in here in weeks. Unless you count the pizza delivery guy."

Reacting to that slight hint of bitterness, Doyle leaned up enough to press a kiss along Angel's jaw-line. "We'll have to see what we can do to remedy that. After I locate where my bones have taken off to."

Angel carried him like he weighed nothing. "Nah, it's okay. Kinda got used to the place being empty." At the top of the staircase, he admitted, "I've thought about, you know... getting rid of it. The hotel, I mean."

Considering all the memories and ghosts this place must hold for Angel, that might not be a bad thing, Doyle thought. "Where would you live if you did?"

Kicking the door to his suite open with one foot, Angel carried Doyle inside and lowered him onto the bed, then efficiently stripped naked before climbing onto the bed too and pulling the blankets up over both of them. "I dunno. At the office building, probably. There are some apartments there, on the upper floors. Technically one of them's mine, I just..."

Doyle squirmed around until he pressed up against Angel's side, legs entangled, one arm thrown over Angel's chest and his head pillowed on Angel's shoulder. "As long as there's room for me, you can move wherever you want."

Angel shifted slightly. "I thought... maybe you'd want to get your own place. I mean, not that I don't want you with me, but... you should have your own space. It's safer that way."

Doyle frowned. "You don't want me to live with you?"

"I didn't say that." Angel ran a comforting hand down the curve of Doyle's back. "Of course I want you to live with me. But I'd understand if you didn't want to. Plus, like I was saying, it's safer if you have your own place too. One that's not mine."

"Okay, ya wanna tell me how you can translate 'As long as there's room for me, you can move anywhere' into thinking I don't want to move in with you?"

"You should just... think about it some more. Don't decide right now." Angel seemed to think this was a perfectly reasonable thing to suggest.

Doyle lifted his head to meet Angel's eyes. "You're not listening to a word I'm saying are you?"

"No," Angel said. "I mean, yeah, I am. But I don't want you to decide when we're all... you know."

"Naked?"

"Yeah. Basically."

"Fine. If that's the way you want it." Doyle pulled away and went to get up.

Angel's panic was clear in the way he grabbed Doyle's arm, and even clearer when he forced himself to let go. "Don't -- look, I'm sorry. Whatever I did. Don't go."

He turned back and leaned down to kiss Angel. "I'm not going anywhere. But if you won't believe me when I tell you I want to be with you when I'm naked, I figure I need to put some clothes on to up my credibility."

"It's not that I don't believe you," Angel said, taking hold of Doyle's hand and not letting go this time. "I just... there are some things I'm going to be stubborn about. If you want to live with me, that's good. Great. But you need to have a place that's just yours too."

Doyle let Angel pull him back into bed. "Because of Angelus?"

Angel nodded, turning Doyle to face away from him and then curling around him, making Doyle wonder if he was deliberately trying to hide his expressions. "Yeah. I... I need to know you've got somewhere safe to go. Just in case."

Giving in, Doyle said, "I already do -- Cordelia's old apartment."

"Okay," Angel said against the back of Doyle's neck. "Good. So that's yours. I'll give you the key, and have Wes show you how to do the disinvite spell -- he's got a little kit with the supplies and stuff, you could learn it easy."

"That mean you're going to let me invite you over in the meantime?"

Angel hesitated only slightly. "Yeah."

"Good." Doyle pushed back, snuggling closer. "Because I was going to do it regardless."

"Just... promise you'll listen if I tell you to do something, okay?" Angel's arm tightened around his waist. "I need to know that you'll be safe. I need to know you'll take it seriously."

There was a need, a desperation under Angel's words, and considering how much he had lost lately, Doyle wasn't that surprised to hear it. "I promise," he said softly, not wanting to add to Angel's fears. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit on the sidelines."

"I don't expect you to. I'm not trying to say that you don't get a say in this... I want it to be, you know, a partnership. I just feel better knowing that if it comes down to it, you'll do what you need to, to protect yourself."

"You don't want there to be another beacon," Doyle realised, wondering why it had taken him so long to do so. This wasn't just about the losses Angel had experienced recently, but losing Doyle before.

"I really, really don't." Angel held him even more tightly. "I need you. The thought that something might happen to you... that I might be the one to *do* something to you..."

"Hey..." Doyle squirmed around until he was facing Angel and raised a hand to touch his face. "That's not going to happen. Nothing's going to happen to either of us."

"Because we deserve a happy ending, and people always get what they deserve?" Angel asked, with a raised eyebrow and an expression of disbelief.

"Because we've got people looking out for us. We're close personal friends with a Higher Power, remember?"

"That'd be kind of hard to forget," Angel said. He brushed Doyle's hair back and tucked it behind his ear.

Doyle smiled at him. "So do you really think Cordelia would go to all this trouble to get me back here just for something to happen to us?"

"Do you really think it's that simple?" Angel shook his head, then kissed Doyle. "Sorry. I know the brooding thing's gotta be frustrating. To deal with, I mean."

"I'm used to it."

Angel reached around and smacked Doyle's ass. "Shut up and get some sleep. We can get up in a couple of hours and have some dinner, if you want."

Doyle could feel exhaustion hovering just on the edges of his consciousness. "If I go to sleep, I'm going to be out for the count." A yawn startled him. "You wore me out."

"That was kind of my goal," Angel said. "Go ahead. I'll be right here."

"You better be." He pushed Angel over onto his back and resumed his earlier position wrapped around him with his head pillowed on his shoulder.

Angel's hand moved soothingly over his upper arm. "Shhh. Just close your eyes. Doesn't matter how long you sleep for -- promise I'll be here when you wake up."

"Good." He yawned and closed his eyes. "Maybe tomorrow we can go take a look at this apartment at the law-firm."

"Whatever you want."

"I wanna see you in sunlight." Doyle yawned again. "Preferably naked."

"Well that's only gonna happen in the apartment, because I'm *not* getting naked in my office," Angel teased lightly.

Doyle snuggled closer, feeling sleep creeping up on him. "I'm gonna take that as a challenge, y'know."

"You take everything as a challenge," Angel said, very softly, into Doyle's hair. A long pause, and then Doyle heard the vampire whisper, "Lucky for me."

It was the last thing Doyle heard before drifting off to sleep.

* * * * *

 

"Hey! Wake up already, would you?" The voice was soft but insistent.

Doyle groaned and tried to bury his face deeper in the pillow.

"Come on! I haven't got all night, you know. And neither do you." It was Cordelia. "Okay, fine. How about this?" Her voice rose into something higher-pitched and otherworldly. "Dooooooyle. Waaaaake uhhp."

Doyle opened one eye to glare at her. "And I s'pose you think that's funny."

She snorted quietly, the soft glow of the light surrounding her making her look even more the ethereal beauty she'd always been. "Hey, whatever works."

"If you had the evening I had with Angel, you'd be hard to wake up too." He rolled over and sat up, noting absently that he was in his old, half-brachen, male body.

"Don't even tell me about it," Cordy said. "I'm serious. Don't. I mean, it's one thing to know you're doing stuff in my body without thinking about what *kind* of stuff."

He grinned. "That seems to be the popular attitude."

"So it's going okay? So far, I mean?"

"Yeah." He glanced down at Angel, still asleep in the bed beside him, and felt his grin turn sappy. "It's been good."

"Good." Cordelia sounded brisk. "As long as you don't think this little vacation's going to last forever."

Doyle looked up quickly, frowning. "What do you mean?" he asked. "This isn't... I'm not... going to be... yanked away again or anything..."

She actually had the decency to look apologetic. "No, no. Sorry. I just meant, you know. The visions."

"Oh." He took a deep breath, trying to settle the sudden adrenaline that had flooded his system at the thought of having to leave again. "Is that all? Bring on the migraines." Compared to what he had feared, having the visions back didn't even register as a problem.

"Nah, they won't be that bad," Cordy said with a wave of her hand. "Whole different ball game. Still not the biggest fun on the planet, but... better." She looked past him to Angel's sleeping form on the bed. "He needs them. But then, you knew that."

"Yeah," he said softly, then quirked his mouth up into a grin. "Always needed a keeper."

"Believe me, you have *no* idea." Cordelia's voice expressed her frustration. "He's gonna get himself into all kinds of trouble."

"When hasn't he? He tries so hard to do the right thing, and is so afraid of letting himself actually have anything *good* for himself..."

"It'll get harder before it gets easier," Cordelia said flatly. "Too bad I couldn't have given you some kind of patience booster along with the amazing breasts, because you're gonna need it."

Doyle chuckled. "The 'amazing breasts' are taking some getting used to, I gotta admit."

Her eyes widened in what he was pretty sure was only partially-feigned outrage. "I'll have you know those are some A-class bosoms, buster. I'd better not hear about you mistreating them."

"Oh, they're a force of nature, Princess. I'm just not used to seeing them from this angle."

"Yeah, well, just make sure you wear good supportive bras, otherwise you'll end up like my Grandmother, with your boobs down to your waist by the time you're fifty."

"Now there's something to look forward to," Doyle said sarcastically. "Ya got any hints about what sorta trouble Angel's heading for?"

Cordy shrugged, then said, "Same old same old, pretty much. People kinda tend to repeat stuff, you know?"

"He's not going to go try and make people forget anything is he?"

"Not that I know of," Cordelia said. "I mean, it's not like I know *everything.*"

"No?" Doyle grinned at her. "You're just destroying all of my illusions about Higher Powers."

"Uh-huh." Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Just... take care of him, okay?" There was something wistful in the way she said it. "And tell him I said that he should take care of you."

"You really do love him, don't you?" Doyle asked softly.

"Well, *duh.*" Cordelia sighed. "He deserves something good, you know? To make up for the bad stuff that happened."

"That's something we're definitely in agreement on, Princess." Doyle's gaze turned back to Angel's sleeping form beside him.

When he looked back at Cordy, she was still smiling sadly, but she made an obvious effort to distract herself by saying, "So. We seriously need to talk about some of your fashion choices."

"My what?" Doyle asked, then shook his head. "I've just been wearing your clothes, Princess."

"But you've been neglecting the best parts of my wardrobe!" Cordelia put her hands on her hips. "What about the low-cut tops? Not to mention the short skirts. I mean, I can cut you some slack on the heels, those'll take a while to get used to, but..."

"Hate to break it to you, Cordelia, but the short skirts take some getting used to, too. So do the low-cut tops, what with the 'amazing breasts' they show off."

"Oh, come on. Seriously, have you even left the hotel since you got here? No one's going to see you except Angel, and seems to me like he's already seen everything there is to see."

"When Angel's around I tend to wind up wearing nothing more than what God gave you," Doyle pointed out, though she had a point about his not having left the hotel. He should probably do something about that; it made sense to take a day or two to catch his breath and adjust, but it could easily become hiding from reality if he let it go on too long.

"Anyway, that deep purple top with the beading goes with the black skirt, *not* the purple one. I know they're both purple, but trust me, that doesn't mean anything unless they're the exact same shade." She reconsidered this. "Sometimes. And the brown flats *only* go with the brown pants. I don't care what you've heard about brown going with everything, that's a bunch of crap."

Feeling like Cordelia was talking a foreign language, Doyle asked, only half-joking, "Do you want to hang around or manifest or whatever when I'm getting dressed every day and tell me what to put on?"

Cordy smirked. "Nope -- better things to do. But don't worry... you'll get the hang of it. Buy some magazines or something."

"I never got the appeal of those things. Harry used to buy them too. Always seemed like a load of malarky to me."

"Malarky, schmalarky. Do whatever you want... just don't blame me if you're a walking fashion nightmare."

Not ever having been really concerned with fashion one way or the other, Doyle was pretty sure he wasn't going to lose sleep over it. Well, other than right now. If he was losing sleep; he wasn't quite clear on if this qualified.

"So, other than the return of the visions and advice on how to dress, is there anything else I need to know?"

"There are gonna be a lot of surprises?" Cordelia hesitated, like she wanted to say more, but couldn't. "Just, you know. Try not to freak out when stuff happens. And try to cut Angel some slack -- it's a lot for him to deal with."

"What is?" Doyle asked frowning. "I mean, all of this is, yeah, but is there something specific?"

"Isn't there always?" Cordelia glanced over her shoulder as if someone behind her had said something. "Look, I've gotta go. But I'll be around, okay?"

"All right." Doyle felt strangely reluctant to let her go -- not that he had any say in the matter. "Cordelia-" he started, going to ask her to stay just a bit longer, but something stilled his tongue. Instead he said softly, "Thanks. For this."

Cordy ducked her chin the tiniest bit and smiled a little half-smile. "Yeah, well... shame to let a body like that go to waste, right? See you soon." The glowing light around her grew brighter, obscuring his ability to see her.

Doyle blinked against the luminescence and the next second found himself blinking awake, back in the body Cordelia had willed him, curled up against Angel's side.

He couldn't stay still enough to keep from waking Angel, who stirred and tightened his arm around Doyle. "You okay?" Angel asked, voice thick with sleep.

"Yeah." He stretched enough to kiss Angel lazily. "Just getting some spiritual fashion tips."

The vampire blinked and pulled him closer. "Um... huh?"

"Had a dream about Cordelia." Doyle frowned. "Or a visitation. Not sure which you'd call it."

Angel's arm tensed. "She was here?"

Doyle slid a hand soothingly over Angel's chest. "Not exactly. It was more... that she was in my dream, my head. Which, considering it used to be hers, makes a certain amount of sense."

He could feel Angel making an effort to relax. "Yeah, I guess. What did she... did she say anything?"

Somehow, Doyle knew that a lot of what Cordelia had told him was for his ears only. So he didn't mention the warnings of something going to happen in the future, and merely said, "That we should take care of each other. And that I shouldn't wear two different shades of purple with brown flats. Or something."

Angel cleared his throat and sat up, displacing Doyle from his embrace gently. "So you weren't kidding about the fashion tips thing."

"Nope." He sat up as well, leaning against Angel's shoulder, wrapping an arm around his waist. "I think she was mainly just checking in, seeing how I -- we -- were doing."

"Makes sense." Angel pressed a quick kiss to Doyle's forehead, then got up out of bed and went over to the dresser, rummaging around until he found some clothes. "That she'd want to make sure you were okay, what with the whole body swap thing and all."

"And to make sure I wasn't making her look like a fashion victim." Doyle got up and headed for the boxes he'd brought in that held some of Cordelia's old clothes. "So where are we going?"

Angel paused, shoulder against the dresser and only one leg inside his pants. "What?"

"You're got out of a warm bed and are getting dressed. Figured that means you've got somewhere to go. Figured I'd tag along."

Managing not to fall over, Angel got his pants on and straightened up. "Yeah. Um, right."

"So where are we going?" Doyle looked through the clothes and pulled out one of the many short skirts that Cordelia'd had in her wardrobe. "Cordelia said I should wear some short skirts," he said, holding up the one he had in his hands to his body. "What do you think?"

Angel stared for a long moment. "Um..."

"She also suggested -- well ordered, really, you know Cordelia -- that I wear some of her low cut tops too. With the short skirts."

"Uh-huh." Angel was still staring, seemingly spellbound.

"Looks like she may be onto something," Doyle said with a tiny smile, pleased at the short circuiting of the impending brooding session. He quickly slipped on the skirt and one of the low-cut tight fitting tops that Cordelia had talked about. "Well? What do you think?" he asked, moving closer.

Angel swallowed, standing his half-dressed ground. "It's... good."

Doyle grinned, taking another step closer, leaving him within touching distance. "Guess I'll wear this then."

"Liked you fine without it," Angel said distractedly, reaching out to run a finger down Doyle's throat and into the plunging neckline of his top.

"A little mystery can be a good thing," Doyle pointed out, Angel's simple touch already making his heart beat faster. "Plus with this outfit, there's easy access, even in public, if you're sneaky enough."

Angel's eyes flickered up from Doyle's cleavage. "You're teasing me."

Doyle smiled. "Maybe a little, but not without plans on following through. I like the idea of you groping me in public -- or more -- without anybody knowing."

Something about Angel's expression finally clued Doyle in that the vampire was more than just distracted in a turned-on sort of way. "I don't know if... look, this is..."

"What?" Doyle asked, reaching out and resting a hand against Angel's chest.

"Don't," Angel said harshly, stepping backward, breaking the contact. "Just... take it off. Okay? Wearing that stuff... it's too..."

Realising that he'd really made a misstep here, Doyle quickly stripped the outfit back off.

By the time he'd finished, Angel had turned slightly away and was rubbing his face. "Sorry," the vampire said. "I didn't mean to... it's not you."

Doyle reached out, but couldn't quite bring himself to touch. "Yeah, that about sums it up, doesn't it?"

"Yeah." Angel still wasn't looking at him. "I'm sorry."

"I'll stick to jeans and loose shirts from now on. No big deal," Doyle said, wondering if he was lying about that or not.

"Look, I think..." Angel hesitated, then finally glanced at him. "Maybe I should, you know..."

"Leave me here alone while you go off somewhere and brood?" Doyle finished, his voice a bit more sharp than he had intended.

Angel looked startled, then irritated. "Get away from you before I say something I'm gonna regret," he said.

Because actually talking about things was so much worse than bottling them up and storming off, Doyle thought, getting irritated himself. "Fine," he said, sick and tired of the whole thing. "Just leave me some cash or something so I'm not trapped here all day."

Looking like he'd already said plenty that he regretted, Angel nodded. "My wallet's downstairs in my pants. Key to your... um, Cordy's apartment too, if you want it."

"You saying you want me out?" Doyle asked, wounded by the request.

"What? No!" Angel was back in not-looking-him-in-the-eye mode, but he sounded sincere. "No. Just... I told you it was yours. Either way. You're not... there's nothing that says you have to stay here. If you don't want to. Or, you know... if it's too hard."

Doyle sighed and rubbed a hand over his face wearily. "I'm not the one who's bolting."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just..." Angel shook his head and turned to go. "I'll see you later."

"Promise?"

Doyle barely heard Angel's muttered, "Yeah," as the vampire went out into the hallway.


	23. Chapter 23

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Wesley,

Hi.

Uh, hope I'm not interrupting anything...

Are you busy today?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

I was thinking about going in to the office for a few hours -- I often do on the weekend, partially because it's quiet and there's less distraction. But I certainly don't have to.

Is something wrong?

\- Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hello Wesley

> I was thinking about going in to the office for a few hours -- I often  
do on the weekend, partially because it's quiet and there's less  
distraction. But I certainly don't have to.

Oh. Well, I don't want to interfere with your work.

> Is something wrong?

No. Not really. Maybe?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > I was thinking about going in to the office for a few hours -- I often  
do on the weekend, partially because it's quiet and there's less  
distraction. But I certainly don't have to.

> Oh. Well, I don't want to interfere with your work.

No, honestly, it's more something I do to fill the time. Er, not that I find my work a chore, as I do rather enjoy it on a number of levels, but I certainly wouldn't be averse to doing something else.

> > Is something wrong?

> No. Not really. Maybe?

That's the sort of maybe that sounds like a "Yes." And somehow, I doubt you would have emailed me out of the blue on a Saturday morning if everything were fine. Tell me?

\- Wesley

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > Oh. Well, I don't want to interfere with your work.

> No, honestly, it's more something I do to fill the time. Er, not that I  
find my work a chore, as I do rather enjoy it on a number of levels,  
but I certainly wouldn't be averse to doing something else.

You sure?

> > > Is something wrong?

> > No. Not really. Maybe?

> That's the sort of maybe that sounds like a "Yes." And somehow, I doubt  
you would have emailed me out of the blue on a Saturday morning if  
everything were fine. Tell me?

Short version is Angel took a runner this morning.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > No, honestly, it's more something I do to fill the time. Er, not that I  
find my work a chore, as I do rather enjoy it on a number of levels,  
but I certainly wouldn't be averse to doing something else.

> You sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

> > > > Is something wrong?

> > > No. Not really. Maybe?

> > That's the sort of maybe that sounds like a "Yes." And somehow, I doubt  
you would have emailed me out of the blue on a Saturday morning if  
everything were fine. Tell me?

> Short version is Angel took a runner this morning.

Oh dear.

Are you all right?

No, obviously you're not, stupid question. I won't ask what happened -- you can tell me, or not, as you choose. But I will ask what I can do. Is there anything I can do?

\- Wesley

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > > No, honestly, it's more something I do to fill the time. Er, not that  
I find my work a chore, as I do rather enjoy it on a number of levels,  
but I certainly wouldn't be averse to doing something else.

> > You sure?

> Yes, I'm sure.

If you're sure... I was thinking of going out... somewhere. Wouldn't mind some company.

> > Short version is Angel took a runner this morning.

> Oh dear.

Are you all right?

No, obviously you're not, stupid question. I won't ask what happened --  
you can tell me, or not, as you choose. But I will ask what I can do.

I'm okay, really.

It's not like I'm not used to Angel brooding and taking off when things get to him. I'm just not used to being the thing that's getting to him.

> Is there anything I can do?

You're doing it.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > > No, honestly, it's more something I do to fill the time. Er, not that  
I find my work a chore, as I do rather enjoy it on a number of levels,  
but I certainly wouldn't be averse to doing something else.

> > > You sure?

> > Yes, I'm sure.

> If you're sure... I was thinking of going out... somewhere. Wouldn't mind some company.

Where would you like to go? I could come and pick you up? Unless you preferred to meet me somewhere.

> > > Short version is Angel took a runner this morning.

> > Oh dear.

Are you all right?

No, obviously you're not, stupid question. I won't ask what happened --  
you can tell me, or not, as you choose. But I will ask what I can do.

> I'm okay, really.

It's not like I'm not used to Angel brooding and taking off when things get to  
him. I'm just not used to being the thing that's getting to him.

I'm sure it wasn't you. Do you know what set him off?

It's quite true that he's prone to needing some space when situations become emotionally charged. It's part of his personality -- no doubt part that we'd prefer wasn't there, but part of him all the same. I'd imagine it's because he spent so many years running from his past, unable to escape it and yet thinking that if he just went far enough he might be able to...

> > Is there anything I can do?

> You're doing it.

I'm happy to do whatever I can to help.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > If you're sure... I was thinking of going out... somewhere. Wouldn't  
mind some  
company.

> Where would you like to go? I could come and pick you up? Unless you  
preferred to meet me somewhere.

I'm not sure where I want to go. I just... I don't want to stay here all day again. I don't know if it's starting to feel more like a prison or a sanctuary but either way getting out in the world is something I need to start doing.

And yeah, picking me up would be good. I don't think Angel left me a car.

Besides, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to go out completely on my own just yet.

> > It's not like I'm not used to Angel brooding and taking off when  
things get to him. I'm just not used to being the thing that's getting to him.

> I'm sure it wasn't you. Do you know what set him off?

I was... I had this dream. Or vision, visitation, something. With Cordelia. We talked, and she told me some things, and, well you know Cordelia. She couldn't resist giving me fashion tips and telling me what I should be wearing out of her wardrobe. Namely the sexy, girly stuff that I'd so far been avoiding. Short skirts, low-cut tops, that sort of thing.

So when I was getting dressed this morning, I gave her advice a try. Angel seemed to like it at first but then he... well, the only real word for it is freaked.

Because I look like Cordelia.

> It's quite true that he's prone to needing some space when situations  
become emotionally charged. It's part of his personality -- no doubt  
part that we'd prefer wasn't there, but part of him all the same. I'd  
imagine it's because he spent so many years running from his past,  
unable to escape it and yet thinking that if he just went far enough he  
might be able to...

Yeah, I know that song and dance. Done a few run-throughs of it myself. It never works.

And I get the needing space for brooding. I never really had that much of a problem giving it to him in the past when he really needed it.

But somehow it's different when I'm the cause. It's like I can't even check on him to see if he's all right or feeling any better because *I'm the cause.* and seeing me is just going to make it all that much worse.

> > > Is there anything I can do?

> > You're doing it.

> I'm happy to do whatever I can to help.

Thanks.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > If you're sure... I was thinking of going out... somewhere. Wouldn't  
mind some company.

> > Where would you like to go? I could come and pick you up? Unless you  
preferred to meet me somewhere.

> I'm not sure where I want to go. I just... I don't want to stay here all day  
again. I don't know if it's starting to feel more like a prison or a sanctuary  
but either way getting out in the world is something I need to start doing.

I think you're right -- there's nothing wrong with taking some time to adjust, but perhaps now it's best to get, well, back on the horse so to speak.

What sounds most appealing? Somewhere quiet? There's a small park not far from the hotel -- actually, come to think of it, chances are good it won't be too quiet on a weekend. I could take you out somewhere for lunch? Or shopping? There must be things you need.

> And yeah, picking me up would be good. I don't think Angel left me a car.

We'll have to talk to him about that. Not that public transportation in L.A. isn't quite adequate, but there's no reason you shouldn't have access to a vehicle.

You'll need a driver's license. I'll look into it -- Cordelia's is most likely still valid; you could use it immediately while you think about what else you might like to do.

> Besides, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to go out completely on my own just  
yet.

I understand. I'm happy to take you wherever you'd like to go.

> > > It's not like I'm not used to Angel brooding and taking off when  
things get to him. I'm just not used to being the thing that's getting to him.

> > I'm sure it wasn't you. Do you know what set him off?

> I was... I had this dream. Or vision, visitation, something. With Cordelia. We  
talked, and she told me some things, and, well you know Cordelia. She couldn't  
resist giving me fashion tips and telling me what I should be wearing out of her  
wardrobe. Namely the sexy, girly stuff that I'd so far been avoiding. Short  
skirts, low-cut tops, that sort of thing.

So when I was getting dressed this morning, I gave her advice a try. Angel  
seemed to like it at first but then he... well, the only real word for it is  
freaked.

Because I look like Cordelia.

It's very hard on both of you, of course. I'm sure it's perfectly natural that you'll both need time to adjust to the situation. Communication is key, which makes it all the more difficult, as Angel's first instinct is most decidedly *not* to open up about what he's feeling.

Perhaps, until he comes round, it might be best to get some clothing that you've chosen yourself? Something that he doesn't recognize as belonging to Cordelia.

> > It's quite true that he's prone to needing some space when situations  
become emotionally charged. It's part of his personality -- no doubt  
part that we'd prefer wasn't there, but part of him all the same. I'd  
imagine it's because he spent so many years running from his past,  
unable to escape it and yet thinking that if he just went far enough he  
might be able to...

> Yeah, I know that song and dance. Done a few run-throughs of it myself. It never  
works.

And I get the needing space for brooding. I never really had that much of a  
problem giving it to him in the past when he really needed it.

But somehow it's different when I'm the cause. It's like I can't even check on  
him to see if he's all right or feeling any better because *I'm the cause.* and  
seeing me is just going to make it all that much worse.

You may be the cause, but it's not your fault. You did make the choice to come back in Cordelia's body, and clearly Angel is very grateful that you did -- however, none of that makes it any easier to deal with, I'd imagine.

It's obvious to me, even in the brief amount of time that I've seen the two of you together, that it *is* you he's reacting to. He's different with you than he was with Cordelia. No matter how hard it is for him to set aside your appearance, he does know it's you.

> > > > Is there anything I can do?

> > > You're doing it.

> > I'm happy to do whatever I can to help.

> Thanks.

Let me know when you'd like me to pick you up. Even if you haven't decided where you'd like to go.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > I'm not sure where I want to go. I just... I don't want to stay here all day  
again. I don't know if it's starting to feel more like a prison or a sanctuary  
but either way getting out in the world is something I need to start doing.

> I think you're right -- there's nothing wrong with taking some time to  
adjust, but perhaps now it's best to get, well, back on the horse so to  
speak.

Or at least get out of the barn.

> What sounds most appealing? Somewhere quiet? There's a small park not  
far from the hotel -- actually, come to think of it, chances are good  
it won't be too quiet on a weekend. I could take you out somewhere for  
lunch? Or shopping? There must be things you need.

Lunch and shopping maybe. The idea about the clothes you had is a good one.

> You'll need a driver's license. I'll look into it -- Cordelia's is most  
likely still valid; you could use it immediately while you think about  
what else you might like to do.

I dunno. Using Cordy's ID seems like compounding the problem of who I am exactly. I think I'll wait until I can get all of that in my own name. I'm assuming what with the formerly evil law-firm at our disposal that that won't be too difficult to do.

> > Besides, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to go out completely on my  
own just yet.

> I understand. I'm happy to take you wherever you'd like to go.

Thanks.

> > I was... I had this dream. Or vision, visitation, something. With Cordelia. We  
talked, and she told me some things, and, well you know Cordelia. She  
couldn't resist giving me fashion tips and telling me what I should be wearing  
out of her wardrobe. Namely the sexy, girly stuff that I'd so far been avoiding.  
Short skirts, low-cut tops, that sort of thing.

So when I was getting dressed this morning, I gave her advice a try. Angel  
seemed to like it at first but then he... well, the only real word for it is freaked.

Because I look like Cordelia.

> It's very hard on both of you, of course. I'm sure it's perfectly  
natural that you'll both need time to adjust to the situation.  
Communication is key, which makes it all the more difficult, as Angel's  
first instinct is most decidedly *not* to open up about what he's  
feeling.

Yeah. I've had some luck in getting him to do so in the past, but since my tactics were mostly just hanging around until he spilled, and my hanging around this time is just a huge reminder of what's got him all broody in the first place. So we go in a circle with me trying to get him to talk and every time he looks at me, he's retreating further.

Makes a person want to go hit something.

> Perhaps, until he comes round, it might be best to get some clothing  
that you've chosen yourself? Something that he doesn't recognize as  
belonging to Cordelia.

Yeah, I've been thinking that. Maybe get some things that are less... girly. Even Cordelia's more tomboyish outfits are girly.

Also maybe I should do something with the hair. The hair hasn't been bothering me as much as maybe it does Angel -- and you? -- because this isn't the way I remember Cordelia wearing it. But it is still pretty girly.

> > And I get the needing space for brooding. I never really had that much  
of a problem giving it to him in the past when he really needed it.

But somehow it's different when I'm the cause. It's like I can't even  
check on him to see if he's all right or feeling any better because *I'm the  
cause.* and seeing me is just going to make it all that much worse.

> You may be the cause, but it's not your fault. You did make the choice  
to come back in Cordelia's body, and clearly Angel is very grateful  
that you did -- however, none of that makes it any easier to deal with,  
I'd imagine.

Yeah. We really should've been having these problems right from the start; I guess the strangeness and the shock and all that delayed it for a couple of days.

> It's obvious to me, even in the brief amount of time that I've seen the  
two of you together, that it *is* you he's reacting to. He's different  
with you than he was with Cordelia. No matter how hard it is for him to  
set aside your appearance, he does know it's you.

I... Thanks. I knew that, I really did, but it still feels good to have it confirmed.

> > > > > Is there anything I can do?

> > > > You're doing it.

> > > I'm happy to do whatever I can to help.

> > Thanks.

> Let me know when you'd like me to pick you up. Even if you haven't  
decided where you'd like to go.

Oh, whenever is good for you.

Speaking of good for you, how are you doing -- what with the new memories and all?

Doyle

__________

 

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > I think you're right -- there's nothing wrong with taking some time to  
adjust, but perhaps now it's best to get, well, back on the horse so to  
speak.

> Or at least get out of the barn.

Is it difficult? The thought of going out?

> > What sounds most appealing? Somewhere quiet? There's a small park not  
far from the hotel -- actually, come to think of it, chances are good  
it won't be too quiet on a weekend. I could take you out somewhere for  
lunch? Or shopping? There must be things you need.

> Lunch and shopping maybe. The idea about the clothes you had is a good one.

Whatever you like. I'm happy to take you anywhere you want to go.

> > You'll need a driver's license. I'll look into it -- Cordelia's is most  
likely still valid; you could use it immediately while you think about  
what else you might like to do.

> I dunno. Using Cordy's ID seems like compounding the problem of who I am  
exactly. I think I'll wait until I can get all of that in my own name. I'm  
assuming what with the formerly evil law-firm at our disposal that that won't be  
too difficult to do.

No, not at all. A name change is a relatively simple process in any case, even for those who aren't acquainted with, as you say, formerly evil law firms.

> > > So when I was getting dressed this morning, I gave her advice a try.  
Angel seemed to like it at first but then he... well, the only real word for  
it is freaked.

Because I look like Cordelia.

> > It's very hard on both of you, of course. I'm sure it's perfectly  
natural that you'll both need time to adjust to the situation.  
Communication is key, which makes it all the more difficult, as Angel's  
first instinct is most decidedly *not* to open up about what he's  
feeling.

> Yeah. I've had some luck in getting him to do so in the past, but since my  
tactics were mostly just hanging around until he spilled, and my hanging around  
this time is just a huge reminder of what's got him all broody in the first  
place. So we go in a circle with me trying to get him to talk and every time he  
looks at me, he's retreating further.

Makes a person want to go hit something.

I'm sure. You'd be more than welcome to use the gym at Wolfram and Hart, of course, if you were so inclined. It might not be a bad idea in any case -- it could help you get more familiar with your new centre of gravity.

> > Perhaps, until he comes round, it might be best to get some clothing  
that you've chosen yourself? Something that he doesn't recognize as  
belonging to Cordelia.

> Yeah, I've been thinking that. Maybe get some things that are less... girly.  
Even Cordelia's more tomboyish outfits are girly.

I wasn't really thinking about how feminine her clothes were -- more about the fact that we were all rather used to seeing certain outfits, and that it would be more difficult not to associate them with her -- but I think that's a wise idea. Getting some things that are a bit more androgynous, I mean.

> Also maybe I should do something with the hair. The hair hasn't been bothering  
me as much as maybe it does Angel -- and you? -- because this isn't the way I  
remember Cordelia wearing it. But it is still pretty girly.

I suppose so. Would you consider getting it cut quite short? Or were you thinking about colouring it?

> > > But somehow it's different when I'm the cause. It's like I can't even  
check on him to see if he's all right or feeling any better because *I'm the  
cause.* and seeing me is just going to make it all that much worse.

> > You may be the cause, but it's not your fault. You did make the choice  
to come back in Cordelia's body, and clearly Angel is very grateful  
that you did -- however, none of that makes it any easier to deal with,  
I'd imagine.

> Yeah. We really should've been having these problems right from the start; I  
guess the strangeness and the shock and all that delayed it for a couple of  
days.

I'm sure you're right. The initial shock may have just postponed the inevitable realisation that this is something he's going to have to live with. To come to terms with.

> > It's obvious to me, even in the brief amount of time that I've seen the  
two of you together, that it *is* you he's reacting to. He's different  
with you than he was with Cordelia. No matter how hard it is for him to  
set aside your appearance, he does know it's you.

> I... Thanks. I knew that, I really did, but it still feels good to have it  
confirmed.

I'm glad I could help.

> > Let me know when you'd like me to pick you up. Even if you haven't  
decided where you'd like to go.

> Oh, whenever is good for you.

Speaking of good for you, how are you doing -- what with the new memories and  
all?

Old memories, more like.

I'm all right. It's actually rather interesting from a certain perspective. Now, if only I could figure out how to maintain that perspective all the time...

I need to do a few things here before I leave -- would around noon work for you? That way we can have lunch at a reasonable time and still get some shopping in, if that's what you'd like to do.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

I don't know if you're even going to get this. Do you check your email at home? Maybe you use the weekends to actually get away from work. I mean, I know you usually come into the office over the weekends, because when I've been here I...

Right. Anyway, if you get this, could you do me a favor and call Doyle or something? At the hotel. Just to make sure he's okay. We kind of had this... thing. Where I kind of freaked out and took off on him. And I think he's okay -- I hope -- I know it was dumb and I should have stuck around and... I don't know, talked it through or something, because that's what you're supposed to do, right? Only I just had to get out of there. It was too much, him looking like Cordy, and wearing her clothes. Sometimes I think it's just his voice and his eyes that keep me from completely freaking out.

Makes me crazy. I've already made too many mistakes, and I don't know how to keep from making more. Shouldn't I be able to figure that out at some point?

Anyway. If you could kind of check on him and make sure he's okay, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel.

> I don't know if you're even going to get this. Do you check your email  
at home? Maybe you use the weekends to actually get away from work. I  
mean, I know you usually come into the office over the weekends,  
because when I've been here I...

You what?

And I do regularly check my email no matter my location. The advanced palm unit provided by the firm makes it simple to stay in touch.

> Right. Anyway, if you get this, could you do me a favor and call Doyle  
or something? At the hotel. Just to make sure he's okay. We kind of had  
this... thing. Where I kind of freaked out and took off on him. And I  
think he's okay -- I hope -- I know it was dumb and I should have stuck  
around and... I don't know, talked it through or something, because  
that's what you're supposed to do, right? Only I just had to get out of  
there. It was too much, him looking like Cordy, and wearing her  
clothes. Sometimes I think it's just his voice and his eyes that keep  
me from completely freaking out.

Doyle emailed me earlier. We've been talking. I'd say he's a bit shaken up, but nothing too bad. I think he's mostly focusing on what he can do to make the situation better.

He wants to go out shopping; I'm going to head over there to play chauffeur for him after I finish this.

> Makes me crazy. I've already made too many mistakes, and I don't know  
how to keep from making more. Shouldn't I be able to figure that out at  
some point?

It's only been a couple of days; of course you're still getting used to the situation, we all are, Doyle included.

None of us could have foreseen this situation, we're all fumbling with how to deal with it. You're doing your best Angel, and that's all you can do.

> Anyway. If you could kind of check on him and make sure he's okay, I'd  
appreciate it.

As I said, I'm going to be with Doyle for most of the afternoon so if you'd like updates...

> Thanks.

You know I'll do what I can to help.

\- Wes

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > I don't know if you're even going to get this. Do you check your email  
at home? Maybe you use the weekends to actually get away from work. I  
mean, I know you usually come into the office over the weekends,  
because when I've been here I...

> You what?

Um. Can smell you.

Sorry.

> And I do regularly check my email no matter my location. The advanced palm unit  
provided by the firm makes it simple to stay in touch.

Oh yeah, that's what those things are for, huh. Mine's still in my desk here somewhere. Never really figured out what to do with it. Maybe you can show me some time?

> > Right. Anyway, if you get this, could you do me a favor and call Doyle  
or something? At the hotel. Just to make sure he's okay. We kind of had  
this... thing. Where I kind of freaked out and took off on him. And I  
think he's okay -- I hope -- I know it was dumb and I should have stuck  
around and... I don't know, talked it through or something, because  
that's what you're supposed to do, right? Only I just had to get out of  
there. It was too much, him looking like Cordy, and wearing her  
clothes. Sometimes I think it's just his voice and his eyes that keep  
me from completely freaking out.

> Doyle emailed me earlier. We've been talking. I'd say he's a bit shaken up, but  
nothing too bad. I think he's mostly focusing on what he can do to make the  
situation better.

That's kind of the thing, you know? He can't. It's just one of those things you have to adjust to, I guess.

> He wants to go out shopping; I'm going to head over there to play chauffeur for  
him after I finish this.

Thanks. I appreciate it. A lot.

> > Makes me crazy. I've already made too many mistakes, and I don't know  
how to keep from making more. Shouldn't I be able to figure that out at  
some point?

> It's only been a couple of days; of course you're still getting used to the  
situation, we all are, Doyle included.

I didn't just mean stuff with Doyle, I meant... everything. There's some point when continuing to make mistakes becomes really pitiful, and I think I past it a long time ago. Shouldn't I, I don't know, *know* more than this by now? You know, have figured out how to do things right?

> None of us could have foreseen this situation, we're all fumbling with how to  
deal with it. You're doing your best Angel, and that's all you can do.

What if it's not? My best, I mean? Because if this is the best I can do, I'm in big trouble.

> > Anyway. If you could kind of check on him and make sure he's okay, I'd  
appreciate it.

> As I said, I'm going to be with Doyle for most of the afternoon so if you'd like  
updates...

That'd be great. I mean, I don't need a play by play or anything, but if you could just let me know every once in a while that he's okay... that'd be good.

> > Thanks.

> You know I'll do what I can to help.

Yeah, I know you will. Means a lot to me. You know that, right?

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > > I think you're right -- there's nothing wrong with taking some time to  
adjust, but perhaps now it's best to get, well, back on the horse so to  
speak.

> > Or at least get out of the barn.

> Is it difficult? The thought of going out?

Yes and no? The actual going out not so much. The going out in this body a little bit. If you get the difference.

> > Lunch and shopping maybe. The idea about the clothes you had is a good one.

> Whatever you like. I'm happy to take you anywhere you want to go.

Thanks.

> > I dunno. Using Cordy's ID seems like compounding the problem of who I am  
exactly. I think I'll wait until I can get all of that in my own name. I'm  
assuming what with the formerly evil law-firm at our disposal that that won't be  
too difficult to do.

> No, not at all. A name change is a relatively simple process in any  
case, even for those who aren't acquainted with, as you say, formerly  
evil law firms.

Yeah but the formerly evil law-firm connection certainly can't hurt.

> > > It's very hard on both of you, of course. I'm sure it's perfectly  
natural that you'll both need time to adjust to the situation.  
Communication is key, which makes it all the more difficult, as  
Angel's first instinct is most decidedly *not* to open up about what he's  
feeling.

> > Yeah. I've had some luck in getting him to do so in the past, but since my  
tactics were mostly just hanging around until he spilled, and my hanging around  
this time is just a huge reminder of what's got him all broody in the first  
place. So we go in a circle with me trying to get him to talk and every time he  
looks at me, he's retreating further.

Makes a person want to go hit something.

> I'm sure. You'd be more than welcome to use the gym at Wolfram and  
Hart, of course, if you were so inclined. It might not be a bad idea in  
any case -- it could help you get more familiar with your new centre of  
gravity.

What with being more top heavy than I used to be, ya mean?

But yeah, the gym sounds like a good idea; I need to gauge how well my fighting skills carried over and how much compensating/training I'm going to need.

> > > Perhaps, until he comes round, it might be best to get some clothing  
that you've chosen yourself? Something that he doesn't recognize as  
belonging to Cordelia.

> > Yeah, I've been thinking that. Maybe get some things that are less... girly.  
Even Cordelia's more tomboyish outfits are girly.

> I wasn't really thinking about how feminine her clothes were -- more  
about the fact that we were all rather used to seeing certain outfits,  
and that it would be more difficult not to associate them with her --  
but I think that's a wise idea. Getting some things that are a bit more  
androgynous, I mean.

It'll make Angel more comfortable I think.

> > Also maybe I should do something with the hair. The hair hasn't been bothering  
me as much as maybe it does Angel -- and you? -- because this isn't the way I  
remember Cordelia wearing it. But it is still pretty girly.

> I suppose so. Would you consider getting it cut quite short? Or were  
you thinking about colouring it?

I was thinking of cutting it shorter, yeah. Colouring.. I hadn't considered, though I s'pose maybe I could get it darkened a bit. As it is, it's just enough off the colour my hair used to be that it's noticeable.

> > > You may be the cause, but it's not your fault. You did make the choice  
to come back in Cordelia's body, and clearly Angel is very grateful  
that you did -- however, none of that makes it any easier to deal with,  
I'd imagine.

> > Yeah. We really should've been having these problems right from the start; I  
guess the strangeness and the shock and all that delayed it for a couple of  
days.

> I'm sure you're right. The initial shock may have just postponed the  
inevitable realisation that this is something he's going to have to  
live with. To come to terms with.

Or to decide he can't.

> > > It's obvious to me, even in the brief amount of time that I've seen the  
two of you together, that it *is* you he's reacting to. He's different  
with you than he was with Cordelia. No matter how hard it is for him to  
set aside your appearance, he does know it's you.

> > I... Thanks. I knew that, I really did, but it still feels good to have it  
confirmed.

> I'm glad I could help.

You are.

> > Speaking of good for you, how are you doing -- what with the new memories and all?

> Old memories, more like.

I'm all right. It's actually rather interesting from a certain  
perspective. Now, if only I could figure out how to maintain that  
perspective all the time...

The one where your emotions aren't involved? Yeah, I've been doing a bit of trying to hold onto that perspective myself. Not sure if it's doing either of us any good in the long run though.

> I need to do a few things here before I leave -- would around noon work  
for you? That way we can have lunch at a reasonable time and still get  
some shopping in, if that's what you'd like to do.

Whenever is convenient. It's not like I have a schedule that's going to get messed up here.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > Is it difficult? The thought of going out?

> Yes and no? The actual going out not so much. The going out in this body a  
little bit. If you get the difference.

I suppose it would be intimidating, yes. If it's any consolation, I believe the chances of your running into anyone who knew Cordelia well enough to say 'hello' is extremely small. Otherwise, you're no more likely to attract attention than any other attractive... person in LA.

> > > I dunno. Using Cordy's ID seems like compounding the problem of who I am  
exactly. I think I'll wait until I can get all of that in my own name. I'm  
assuming what with the formerly evil law-firm at our disposal that that won't be  
too difficult to do.

> > No, not at all. A name change is a relatively simple process in any  
case, even for those who aren't acquainted with, as you say, formerly  
evil law firms.

> Yeah but the formerly evil law-firm connection certainly can't hurt.

True enough. In any case, you'll have to let me know what you want done about legally changing your name before I can do anything more to start the paperwork rolling. There's no reason at all, of course, for you not to use your original name, other than the fact that you may get some double takes at certain times.

> > > Makes a person want to go hit something.

> > I'm sure. You'd be more than welcome to use the gym at Wolfram and  
Hart, of course, if you were so inclined. It might not be a bad idea in  
any case -- it could help you get more familiar with your new centre of  
gravity.

> What with being more top heavy than I used to be, ya mean?

Er, actually, a woman's centre of gravity is lower than a man's, due to the extra weight around the hip area. Although your initial assumption, especially considering your newly-acquired... attributes... is a reasonable one to have made.

> But yeah, the gym sounds like a good idea; I need to gauge how well my fighting  
skills carried over and how much compensating/training I'm going to need.

I'm sure Angel can help you with that.

> > > Yeah, I've been thinking that. Maybe get some things that are less... girly.  
Even Cordelia's more tomboyish outfits are girly.

> > I wasn't really thinking about how feminine her clothes were -- more  
about the fact that we were all rather used to seeing certain outfits,  
and that it would be more difficult not to associate them with her --  
but I think that's a wise idea. Getting some things that are a bit more  
androgynous, I mean.

> It'll make Angel more comfortable I think.

I think you're right, although one would hope that in time he'd be able to make the adjustment so that you could wear whatever makes you most comfortable. I suppose you'll have to wait to see what that is.

> > I suppose so. Would you consider getting it cut quite short? Or were  
you thinking about colouring it?

> I was thinking of cutting it shorter, yeah. Colouring... I hadn't considered,  
though I s'pose maybe I could get it darkened a bit. As it is, it's just enough  
off the colour my hair used to be that it's noticeable.

Again, whatever you think will make you most comfortable at this point in time is probably what you should do. If nothing else, a shorter cut would be simpler to take care of, I'd imagine.

> > > Yeah. We really should've been having these problems right from the start; I  
guess the strangeness and the shock and all that delayed it for a couple of  
days.

> > I'm sure you're right. The initial shock may have just postponed the  
inevitable realisation that this is something he's going to have to  
live with. To come to terms with.

> Or to decide he can't.

No, don't think that. It's selling Angel short, in addition to being fatalistic. That's not like you. He'll come around, he just needs a bit of time to adjust.

> > > Speaking of good for you, how are you doing -- what with the new  
memories and all?

> > Old memories, more like.

I'm all right. It's actually rather interesting from a certain  
perspective. Now, if only I could figure out how to maintain that  
perspective all the time...

> The one where your emotions aren't involved? Yeah, I've been doing a bit of  
trying to hold onto that perspective myself. Not sure if it's doing either of us  
any good in the long run though.

Probably not. It does make it easier to get through the day though, doesn't it?

> > I need to do a few things here before I leave -- would around noon work  
for you? That way we can have lunch at a reasonable time and still get  
some shopping in, if that's what you'd like to do.

> Whenever is convenient. It's not like I have a schedule that's going to get  
messed up here.

Let's say noon then. Do you have any thoughts about lunch?

\- Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wesley

> > > Is it difficult? The thought of going out?

> > Yes and no? The actual going out not so much. The going out in this body a  
little bit. If you get the difference.

> I suppose it would be intimidating, yes. If it's any consolation, I  
believe the chances of your running into anyone who knew Cordelia well  
enough to say 'hello' is extremely small. Otherwise, you're no more  
likely to attract attention than any other attractive... person in LA.

A damned sight more attractive than I'm used to being.

> > > No, not at all. A name change is a relatively simple process in any  
case, even for those who aren't acquainted with, as you say, formerly  
evil law firms.

> > Yeah but the formerly evil law-firm connection certainly can't hurt.

> True enough. In any case, you'll have to let me know what you want done  
about legally changing your name before I can do anything more to start  
the paperwork rolling. There's no reason at all, of course, for you not  
to use your original name, other than the fact that you may get some  
double takes at certain times.

I never went by Alan anyway so if it has to be changed or gone entirely, I can live with it. Francis Doyle is the name I've gone by, and luckily that is pretty androgynous.

> > > I'm sure. You'd be more than welcome to use the gym at Wolfram and  
Hart, of course, if you were so inclined. It might not be a bad idea in  
any case -- it could help you get more familiar with your new centre of  
gravity.

> > What with being more top heavy than I used to be, ya mean?

> Er, actually, a woman's centre of gravity is lower than a man's, due to  
the extra weight around the hip area. Although your initial assumption,  
especially considering your newly-acquired... attributes... is a  
reasonable one to have made.

Oh. Right.

It hasn't really seemed to be a problem. Whatever method was used to put me into this  
body seems to have taken care of all those kind of things.

Still, some working out will be a good thing.

> > But yeah, the gym sounds like a good idea; I need to gauge how well my fighting  
skills carried over and how much compensating/training I'm going to need.

> I'm sure Angel can help you with that.

If it doesn't send him off brooding again.

Or we don't get distracted.

> > > I wasn't really thinking about how feminine her clothes were -- more  
about the fact that we were all rather used to seeing certain outfits,  
and that it would be more difficult not to associate them with her --  
but I think that's a wise idea. Getting some things that are a bit more  
androgynous, I mean.

> > It'll make Angel more comfortable I think.

> I think you're right, although one would hope that in time he'd be able  
to make the adjustment so that you could wear whatever makes you most  
comfortable. I suppose you'll have to wait to see what that is.

Pretty much. I haven't really been uncomfortable in Cordelia's clothes, except maybe when Angel started freaking out this morning. *That* made me uncomfortable.

> > I was thinking of cutting it shorter, yeah. Colouring... I hadn't considered,  
though I s'pose maybe I could get it darkened a bit. As it is, it's just enough  
off the colour my hair used to be that it's noticeable.

> Again, whatever you think will make you most comfortable at this point  
in time is probably what you should do. If nothing else, a shorter cut  
would be simpler to take care of, I'd imagine.

Shorter would be closer to what I'm used to at least. So yeah, think I'll do that.

> > > I'm sure you're right. The initial shock may have just postponed the  
inevitable realisation that this is something he's going to have to  
live with. To come to terms with.

> > Or to decide he can't.

> No, don't think that. It's selling Angel short, in addition to being  
fatalistic. That's not like you. He'll come around, he just needs a bit  
of time to adjust.

I hope so. It's just... he doesn't let go of things easily and losing Cordelia is a big thing to have to let go of and adjust to.

> > > I'm all right. It's actually rather interesting from a certain  
perspective. Now, if only I could figure out how to maintain that  
perspective all the time...

> > The one where your emotions aren't involved? Yeah, I've been doing a bit of  
trying to hold onto that perspective myself. Not sure if it's doing either of us  
any good in the long run though.

> Probably not. It does make it easier to get through the day though,  
doesn't it?

Until it all blows up in your face.

Sorry. I guess this morning has shaken me up more than I'd like to think.

> > Whenever is convenient. It's not like I have a schedule that's going to get  
messed up here.

> Let's say noon then. Do you have any thoughts about lunch?

Noon's good. And any kind of food will do; I'm not picky.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > I suppose it would be intimidating, yes. If it's any consolation, I  
believe the chances of your running into anyone who knew Cordelia well  
enough to say 'hello' is extremely small. Otherwise, you're no more  
likely to attract attention than any other attractive... person in LA.

> A damned sight more attractive than I'm used to being.

That's not true -- from what I briefly saw, you were far from unattractive in your original form. Although it strikes me now that perhaps that's one of those things that's better left unsaid.

> > True enough. In any case, you'll have to let me know what you want done  
about legally changing your name before I can do anything more to start  
the paperwork rolling. There's no reason at all, of course, for you not  
to use your original name, other than the fact that you may get some  
double takes at certain times.

> I never went by Alan anyway so if it has to be changed or gone entirely, I can  
live with it. Francis Doyle is the name I've gone by, and luckily that is pretty  
androgynous.

Shall we change the spelling to the more traditional Frances? Or leave it?

> > Er, actually, a woman's centre of gravity is lower than a man's, due to  
the extra weight around the hip area. Although your initial assumption,  
especially considering your newly-acquired... attributes... is a  
reasonable one to have made.

> Oh. Right.

It hasn't really seemed to be a problem. Whatever method was used to put me into  
this body seems to have taken care of all those kind of things.

Still, some working out will be a good thing.

I agree, it's good to be in shape, especially when one's life revolves around Angel. He does seem to attract all sorts of situations in which one can get injured.

> > > But yeah, the gym sounds like a good idea; I need to gauge how well my fighting  
skills carried over and how much compensating/training I'm going to need.

> > I'm sure Angel can help you with that.

> If it doesn't send him off brooding again.

He's prone to that sort of thing, that's definitely true. Perhaps it might be best, since that's the case, for you to try not to let it bother you? He's unlikely to change in any dramatic fashion any time soon, I'd imagine, and if it upsets you every time...

> Or we don't get distracted.

I'm... sure he's prone to that sort of thing as well.

> > I think you're right, although one would hope that in time he'd be able  
to make the adjustment so that you could wear whatever makes you most  
comfortable. I suppose you'll have to wait to see what that is.

> Pretty much. I haven't really been uncomfortable in Cordelia's clothes, except  
maybe when Angel started freaking out this morning. *That* made me  
uncomfortable.

I can imagine. It must be very difficult when it seems there's nothing you can do to improve the situation.

> > Again, whatever you think will make you most comfortable at this point  
in time is probably what you should do. If nothing else, a shorter cut  
would be simpler to take care of, I'd imagine.

> Shorter would be closer to what I'm used to at least. So yeah, think I'll do  
that.

Sounds like a wise decision.

> > No, don't think that. It's selling Angel short, in addition to being  
fatalistic. That's not like you. He'll come around, he just needs a bit  
of time to adjust.

> I hope so. It's just... he doesn't let go of things easily and losing Cordelia  
is a big thing to have to let go of and adjust to.

But getting you back, when his feelings for you are reciprocated, is a big thing as well.

> > > The one where your emotions aren't involved? Yeah, I've been doing a bit of  
trying to hold onto that perspective myself. Not sure if it's doing either of us  
any good in the long run though.

> > Probably not. It does make it easier to get through the day though,  
doesn't it?

> Until it all blows up in your face.

Sorry. I guess this morning has shaken me up more than I'd like to think.

It's understandable that you'd be upset. There's nothing wrong with honest emotion, or with expressing it.

He'll come around, he just needs a bit of time. I'm confident of that.

> > Let's say noon then. Do you have any thoughts about lunch?

> Noon's good. And any kind of food will do; I'm not picky.

All right -- I'll be leaving here shortly. I'll see you in a little while.

\- Wesley


	24. Chapter 24

Wesley smiled at Doyle as he got into the car. "How are you?"

Doyle smiled, but it seemed rather forced. "I'm hanging in there," he said, and Wesley was once again struck that despite it being Cordelia's face and voice, the expression and words were so much Doyle that there was no mistaking the identity.

"Have you eaten anything at all? They say that low blood sugar accounts for most mood swings." Wesley closed his eyes briefly as he realized how this sounded. "Er, not that I'm saying you're experiencing mood swings, or that you don't have the right to be upset under the circumstances." He waited for Doyle to buckle his seat-belt, then put the car into drive and pulled away from the curb.

Doyle's smile became more genuine. "Maybe that's a solution to Angel's mood swings -- whenever he starts with the freaking, I can just shove a mug of blood under his nose."

Glad that his comment hadn't been taken the wrong way, Wesley nodded. "I can't imagine it would hurt."

"Might derail him before he can get up a whole head of steam at least. And to answer your question, no I haven't had anything to eat yet."

"Then that's the first order of business." Wesley glanced over at him. "You need to take care of yourself. Think how angry Cordelia would be if you didn't."

"Wouldn't want that, now, would we? She was bad enough when she was just human; it's a shiver-inducing thought to think what she could do now that she's a higher being."

Wesley agreed. "What I was saying before... about mood swings?"

Doyle sighed, the sound a bit exasperated. "You've got the staying power of a pit-bull, ya know that?"

"I know." Wesley tried not to apologize, although the temptation was definitely there. "I just wanted to make sure you were... prepared. Women... women's *bodies*... experience hormonal shifts throughout the month, and... well. Of course you know all this."

"You think I'm suffering from PMS?"

"No," Wesley said. "I think that you probably will at some point, and I just want you to be aware of it. That's all." He was finding this hard to put into words.

He wasn't sure if the fact Doyle seemed amused at the conversation made it better or worse.

"You're trying to give me the birds and the bees talk," Doyle said, chuckling.

Wesley pulled into the small parking lot of the local sandwich shop he favored and turned off the car. "It just strikes me that you've had enough surprises lately. I'd like to spare you any more, if I can."

"I appreciate the concern." Doyle laid a hand on Wesley's arm. "Really."

He patted Doyle's hand. "Let's get some food into you, and then we'll see what we can do about altering your appearance slightly. If you still think that might help."

Doyle shrugged as he opened the car door. "Figure it can't hurt."

Wesley found that there was a certain urge to do things for Doyle that even Cordelia would have rolled her eyes over -- holding doors, offering his arm as they walked across a particularly rough patch of pavement -- and that he had to fight the impulse to do them. It bothered him slightly, but he wasn't sure why.

When they got settled at a table, Doyle turned to Wesley and asked, "How are you doing? I'm not the only one who's had to deal with a lot of surprises lately."

All he could do was shake his head. "I'm fine. More worried about you and Angel than anything else really."

But it was Doyle's turn not to be taken off the topic. "You dealing with... everything?"

"I wouldn't say dealing," Wesley answered, surprised yet again by the way Doyle seemed to open him up. "Avoiding, maybe. Dealing will come later."

"Before or after the breakdown?" Doyle asked dryly.

"Preferably in place of."

Doyle grinned. "That would be the option I'd choose, yeah."

The shop's one waitress came over to take their order, putting the conversation on hold for a few minutes. Once she'd left again, Wesley said, "Angel emailed me earlier."

He saw the concern flash through Doyle's eyes. "Is he... How was he?"

"Worried about you." Wesley sat quietly, trying to exude calm.

"It would be more convincing if he wasn't the one who ran out this morning like I was throwing crosses at him," Doyle said bitterly, then waved a hand with a sigh. "Sorry. Didn't mean that. It's just..."

"You expect better from him." It wasn't as if Wesley didn't know what that felt like. "If it helps, he's very disappointed in his own behaviour."

"I'm sure he is; it gives him something new to brood about."

Wesley wasn't sure if he should try to jolly Doyle out of his funk or let him wallow. Lord knew he was entitled to be upset at the way Angel had acted, and yet... "He's trying," he said gently.

"I know." Doyle sighed, and leaned back in his chair. "God knows, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into."

Uncomfortably, Wesley asked, "Are you... are you regretting it?"

Startled, Doyle shook his head emphatically. "No. Not even a- No."

Wesley sighed in what might have been relief. "Well... good. I mean... you should do what's right for you, regardless of how it might affect him, but... I'm glad."

Doyle smiled a bit. "You really care a lot about him, don't you?"

"I want you both to be happy." Wesley just sat there for a long moment, thinking, shredding the edge of his paper napkin as he did so.

"And what about you?"

Wesley looked up. "What about me?"

"You want Angel and me to be happy -- what about you?" Doyle cocked his head to the side as he studied Wesley. "Do you want to be happy?"

"Of course," Wesley said automatically.

"Do you?"

Stung by what he heard as an accusation of sorts, Wesley leaned back in his chair. "No, of course I don't. I'd much prefer to be miserable."

"If I was going strictly by your actions, that would be the conclusion I'd be forced to draw."

Wesley blinked, resisting the urge to cross his arms over his chest like a petulant child. "All right then -- tell me what I'm doing wrong."

"You don't value yourself," Doyle told him bluntly.

"I can't imagine why," Wesley said. "What with everyone thinking that I'm incapable of doing anything right."

"I don't think that," Doyle pointed out. "Angel doesn't think that."

"You just *told* me," Wesley said, frowning, "that I'm not doing a proper job of being happy."

"I just told you that from where I'm sitting it looks like you don't think you deserve to be happy."

Wesley didn't want to talk about this -- actually, to be perfectly truthful, he didn't even want to think about it. "I'm not sure it's that simple to calculate."

Doyle gave a half shrug. "Never said it was simple. It's damned complicated if you ask me. But that doesn't make it any less true."

"No, I meant..." As much as he didn't want to talk about it, there was something in Wesley that didn't like to let a misunderstanding slide. "Determining whether someone deserves something."

"Do I deserve to be happy?"

"Well *obviously,*" Wesley said, since as far as he was concerned that *was* simple.

"Does Angel?"

"Doyle, have you any idea how many lives he's saved? How hard he's worked for his redemption?" He knew Doyle was trying to prove a point, and felt frustrated that he had to dance in the conversation like a puppet on strings.

Doyle placed his elbows on the table and leaned forward. "Seems to me that you don't have any problem with determining who deserves happiness as long as it's not you."

Tension was making Wesley irritable. "Well if I'm not qualified, I can't imagine who is. You? You barely know me."

"Sometimes that can make for clearer vision," Doyle replied easily, completely unruffled.

"And sometimes it can mean that someone's being willfully blind."

"So are you looking at me and saying you do think you deserve happiness?"

"I'm saying... I'm..." Wesley sighed. "I don't know."

Reaching across the table, Doyle patted Wesley's hand. "How about we work on making sure Angel, you and me are all happy and then we can come back to that question?"

Wesley felt a smile tugging at his lips. "It really doesn't seem fair, you know."

"Of course not," Doyle replied, then paused and asked, "Er, what exactly?"

"That you're capable of being so bloody cheerful all the time." Wesley hoped that his tone took any potential sting out of the words.

"I'm not really." Doyle seemed to stop and think about that for a moment. "Okay, maybe I have been since I... came back. But that's not necessarily... It must be the first flush of a new relationship, as well as the, y'know, breathin' thing."

"So you're not expecting a... breakdown?"

"I haven't penciled it into my schedule."

"You're a better man than I am," Wesley said ruefully, just as the waitress appeared with their sandwiches. She gave Wesley a look of such horror that he started to laugh, and couldn't stop.

"I beat him at darts," Doyle told the woman, with a wink and a grin, which mollified her somewhat. After she left, Doyle shook his head, still smiling. "We're going to have to leave her a big tip for serving what I'm sure she thinks are a couple of lunatics. Well... one lunatic and his very sympathetic lady companion."

"I'll never be able to eat here again." Wesley tried to stop laughing and didn't quite succeed.

Doyle watched him fondly. "You should do that more often."

"That's..." He chuckled again, but it was more sober now. "Cordelia used to say that too."

"She was right."

Wesley looked over at Doyle. "Thank you."

Doyle gave him a bright, wide, smile. "Any time."

"In any case, I'm supposed to be feeding you," Wesley said, pointing to the sandwich on Doyle's plate, "and cheering *you* up."

Obediently Doyle picked up the sandwich, though he rolled his eyes a little. "You got a plan to do that?"

"Not really," Wesley admitted.

"Well seeing you laugh isn't a terrible way to start."

Wesley smiled self-consciously. "I was hoping for something simpler," he said. "Although I suppose expecting you to be as pleased with new clothes and cosmetics as Cordelia would have been might be too much to expect."

And that caused Doyle to laugh. "I don't think anyone could be as pleased as Cordelia about new clothes and cosmetics."

"True. Although there's something to be said for being predictable."

"Don't think I've ever been accused of being that," Doyle said around a mouthful of sandwich. "Least not in any good ways."

Wesley watched him thoughtfully. "I wouldn't say that. You're very good-natured -- almost predictably so. That's a rare quality."

Doyle seemed to think that over as he ate. "Maybe I've tried being bad-natured and didn't like the results," he finally said.

Wesley nodded slightly to show that he understood. "It's certainly easier on one's relationships to be... more positive."

"Ya might want to remember that yourself there."

He moved his own sandwich around on the plate idly, glancing up at Doyle. "I'm trying," he said. "It's... difficult."

"Not to sound like a book of clichés, but most worthwhile things are." Doyle smiled slightly and nodded at Wesley's plate. "I don't like to eat alone by the way."

Wesley blinked, then picked up half his sandwich and took a bite. When he'd finished chewing, he asked, "Have you made a decision about your hair?"

One of Doyle's hands crept up to finger the strands. "I.... Yes," he said, suddenly sounding decisive. "Going to cut it. And... see about maybe dying it darker. See if I can get it my old shade."

Trying to picture it, Wesley tilted his head to one side slightly. "I think that would look nice. And... I'm sure Angel will appreciate the change."

"I hope so," Doyle said looking suddenly pensive.

"What happened this morning really bothers you," Wesley said.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry," Wesley told him. "More importantly, I know Angel is as well. I'm sure it's all going to work out."

"Not if every time he looks at me sets him off again." Doyle shook his head with a frown. "Sorry, I'm just..."

"You're upset... it's completely understandable." Impulsively, Wesley reached across the table and set his hand over Doyle's. "Angel obviously cares for you a great deal. He'll adjust."

"Yeah, because we all know how good he is at adjusting and letting go of things."

"I know it's frustrating," Wesley said, not knowing what else to suggest and starting to become convinced that he was just making things worse. "But in this case I really do think he'll come around. Cordelia was part of his life here in L.A. from the beginning... it's not easy for him to just forget that."

"I don't want him to -- that's the hard part. Cordelia was important to both of us -- all of us," Doyle quickly corrected, including Wesley.

"Speaking of which, Gunn and Fred have both expressed an interest in meeting you," Wesley said, hoping this was a good time to change the subject slightly. "Whenever you feel up to it, of course."

That drew the ghost of another smile out of Doyle. "Kinda fun, being the mysterious guy from Angel's past. I'd like to meet them too."

"They're both very nice. I'm sure you'll get along well."

"How are you getting along with them?" Doyle asked turning the subject back to Wesley. "What with what you know now?"

"Oh." Wesley looked down at his half-eaten sandwich, any appetite he'd had vanishing. "Well, I can't tell them, obviously."

Doyle tilted his head as he watched him. "Do you want to?"

He had to think for a moment before he could answer. "No. I think it's better if they don't know. They're happy the way things are, and it could put Connor in danger if too many people knew, and..." He sighed. "I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself."

"Maybe you're still trying to adjust," Doyle suggested.

"I don't want to act hastily and do the wrong thing," Wesley said. "So yes, I suppose I am."

"You've got time. No one says you have to make any decisions right away." Doyle grinned. "Well other than if I'm doing or buying anything really insane today -- those decisions you have to make right away."

"I'm more than willing to offer my opinion, but I certainly don't claim to know much about fashion," Wesley protested. "Men's or women's."

Doyle grinned. "Considering the comments Cordelia used to make about my clothes, I'm feel fairly safe in saying she at least was certain I had no taste."

"Perhaps we can ask random strangers for their assistance?"

"I think we may be in trouble," Doyle said, laughing.

Wesley could feel his answering smile reach his eyes. "I think you may be right."

* * *

 

Doyle stepped out of the hair salon, one hand raised to his now short and darker hair. It certainly was something he'd never seen on Cordelia, but he wasn't completely sure about it. "It looks okay?" he asked Wesley, not for the first time.

"It looks fine," Wesley repeated. "Very nice. Would it be helpful if I wrote it on a name tag and wore it on my shirt?"

"Sorry," Doyle said, chastened, forcing himself to stop fiddling with it. "I guess I'm not as secure in changing what was Cordelia's look as I thought."

Wesley sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I was trying to be funny. But honestly, despite the fact that I can't imagine her choosing to get it cut so short herself, I think even Cordelia would approve."

"I hope so." He managed a smile as he admitted, only half-joking, "I have this vision of Higher Power-Cordelia coming down and smiting me because I ruined her hair."

"I don't think you need to worry." Wesley hesitated, then reached out and touched Doyle's hair, brushing gentle fingertips over his cheek. "You look wonderful."

Doyle smiled more easily. "When you say it like that I believe you."

"I'll have to say it like that more often," Wesley said. Then, trying to focus on the job at hand, "Now. Clothes?"

"Right. Clothes. Which I wear. And have to go now and buy."

"Would you like to try a department store? Or maybe somewhere smaller?" Wesley looked thoughtful. "What do you think would be less overwhelming?"

"Good question."

Wesley seemed to consider their options. "Tell me what you have in mind, and perhaps we can narrow it down."

"Some stuff that's less... girly. Jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, that sorta thing. Maybe oversized so I don't look so..." Doyle looked down at himself and all of Cordelia's curves, "y'know."

"But you still want women's clothes? They'd fit better, oversized or no."

"Yeah, s'pose that's the way to go." After all, like it or not, this was his body now and there was little point in denying it that vehemently.

Wesley nodded and gestured toward their right. "Let's try down here then. I think under the circumstances that a smaller store or two might be better than a large one. Less chaotic."

"Yeah, probably a good idea." He glanced at Wesley as they walked down the sidewalk. "I owe you a big thank you for coming with me today. I'm sure that this is far from the top of your list of fun things to do."

"I don't mind," Wesley said, sticking his hands into his pockets and shooting a very brief look in Doyle's direction. "The company's pleasant."

"Yeah, well after this stop why don't we find something less... girly to do with the pleasant company?"

Wesley's hesitation was so subtle that Doyle might just as easily have missed it. "All right," he said, then pointed at the store they were nearing. "This one, I thought."

"Looks good." Watching Wesley closely, Doyle continued, "We don't have to do something after if you don't want. You can just drop me back at the hotel if you've got other plans."

"No, not at all," Wesley said, stepping ahead of Doyle on longer legs and opening and holding the door for him as if it was automatic.

"You sure?" Doyle stepped into the store, knowing he was going to have to get used to such gallant gestures and not commenting on it as a result.

"Quite sure. I'd think you'd be the one arguing that it would do me good to spend some time away from the office."

"Well, yeah, but you don't necessarily have to spend it with me."

"Why wouldn't I want to spend it with you?" Wesley sounded genuinely surprised as they started moving between the racks of clothing.

"You hesitated when I asked," Doyle said, beginning to wonder if he had imagined it. "Didn't you?"

Wesley shifted some clothes on the nearest rack. "I was surprised," he admitted, although now he sounded embarrassed.

"That I wanted to spend time with you?"

"I didn't try to claim it was a *rational* response," Wesley said, shrugging slightly.

Doyle clapped a hand to Wesley's shoulder. "Admitting it is the first step," he teased, trying to lighten the conversation now that he was certain he wasn't forcing Wesley into anything.

"I think you're just trying to postpone the actual shopping." Wesley held out a pair of plain jeans in what looked like a loose-fitting style.

"If I am, my nefarious plan doesn't seem to be working at all, does it?" He took the jeans from Wesley and held them up to his body. "Suppose I have to go try 'em on now, huh?"

"I don't know if they're the right size," Wesley said absently, already moving on to another rack. "How do you feel about khakis?"

"I don't really. But I s'pose I could wear them all right."

"But do you *want* to?" Wesley asked, looking up at him.

"I really don't have any strong feelings about it one way or the other. S'pose I would if it was between that and walking around giving everyone a free show." Doyle really hoped every article of clothing wasn't going to be accompanied by that same question, but tried to make the best of it. Grinning at Wesley, he said, "Just because I've got Cordelia's body, doesn't mean I got her taste for clothes."

Wesley nodded. "I suppose all you can do is try some things on and see what you think."

"Yeah." He looked at the pants he was holding. "Do you have any idea how much I absolutely loathe clothes shopping?"

"A great deal?" Wesley ventured.

"A very great deal."

"Then I take it your goal for the day isn't to replace your entire wardrobe?"

"Well it is, but..." Doyle sighed. "I'm gonna be spending a lot of time trying on things and fending off salesladies telling me how great that colour looks on me, aren't I?"

Wesley looked at the tag on the pair of slacks he was holding, then handed them over to Doyle. "Not if I run interference," he offered. "Let's go find you a changing room and I'll tell any of the shop girls who come near that you're shy."

That surprised a laugh out of Doyle. "I've been known as many things, but shy's never been one of them. All right. Let's get this over with."

They found a changing room, and before Doyle had even finished pulling on the pair of jeans he'd brought in with him, he heard Wesley deflect a sales clerk with a perky American accent. "She's a bit shy," Wesley said. "Doesn't get out much. Could you do me a favor and let the others know to just leave us be?"

There was a pause, and then the girl murmured an agreement.

"She's gone," Wesley said in a stage whisper from the other side of the wooden door. "Although I may have implied that you have mental problems."

"Great. She's probably gone to call the men in white coats for me then."

"No, she just looked a bit nervous," Wesley said. "I'd imagine most of the people who shop here are grateful for the attention."

"Yeah, well the whole point of this outing is to get things that *don't* draw attention." As he spoke, Doyle changed into the jeans and one of the t-shirts he'd picked up. Then stared at himself in the mirror.

Even with the short hair and baggier clothes that didn't show off his current body's curves so much, he still looked unmistakably like a girl. Guess he was just going to have to give up the fight on shoving the gender line back over to where he was more used to it being.

Still, he looked less like Cordelia and more like... some close female relative of hers with less fashion sense.

He didn't realize how long he'd been silent until he heard Wesley ask, "Any luck?"

Opening the door, he stepped out so Wesley can see him. "What do you think?"

Wesley looked him over appraisingly, then nodded. "If you're trying to look a bit less feminine, I think you're on the right track. Are you comfortable?"

"Yeah. Jeans and t-shirts -- not exactly torture devices."

"Good." Wesley presented him with a second pair of khakis -- the first ones were still inside on a hook -- and a shirt with oddly cut sleeves. "Try these? I think they might work as well."

Doyle took the proffered clothes with a grin. "You're scarily good at this."

"Actually, Angel's the one who..." Wesley coughed slightly behind a closed fist. "Yes. Well. I suspect he'd be aiming for the more feminine things, perhaps."

Remembering Angel's reaction to his trying on some of Cordelia's sexier clothes that morning, Doyle shook his head. "I don't think so, not in my case."

Wesley stepped forward and touched Doyle's cheek slightly. It was a careful brush of fingertips that gave the impression of being casual, but something about the look in Wesley's eyes made it clear to Doyle that he was being anything but. "Angel's issues aren't about you," he said gravely. "They're about Cordelia. Don't give them the power to make you doubt what he feels for you."

Doyle stared at Wesley for a long moment, the intensity in the man's blue eyes pulling him in. "You really believe in Angel, don't you?"

"I..." Wesley dropped his gaze and his hand, and when he glanced up at Doyle again he looked almost embarrassed. "I suppose so. But that's not really the point."

"Maybe not." Doyle grinned and patted Wesley's cheek in turn. "But it's nice to know I'm not the only one."

Wesley's answering grin flashed across his face quickly. "You're supposed to be trying on clothes," he pointed out.

"Yeah." Doyle turned to go back into the changing room.

An hour later he'd bought a small selection of clothes he thought made him look a little bit less... Cordelia-like, and they walked back to Wesley's car. Upon reaching it, Wesley unlocked the passenger side door and opened it for Doyle, then stood there holding it like he was waiting for him to get in.

"You've really got this gentleman thing pretty ingrained, huh?" Doyle observed, grinning at Wesley as he said it to show it really wasn't a problem.

Wesley blinked like he hadn't even realized what he'd done until just then. "So it would seem," he said, stepping back. "Feel free to remind me not to do this sort of thing, if you'd rather I didn't."

"Nah, it's okay." Doyle stepped into the car. "I s'pose it's just something I need to get used to. Besides I wouldn't want to interfere with all that chivalry."

Some nameless emotion crossed over Wesley's face, then he nodded and shut the door for Doyle before going around the front of the car and getting in behind the wheel. "So. Any thoughts about the rest of the afternoon?" He glanced at Doyle apologetically. "And... I told Angel I'd check in with him at some point, let him know you're all right."

Doyle snorted. "Yeah, because contacting me directly would never occur to him."

"He knows he behaved badly," Wesley said. "I think he wanted to give you some space."

"More like he wanted some space for himself."

"You think he's being selfish."

"What?" Doyle asked surprised. The thought had never occurred to him. He shook his head. "No. Selfish has never been a word that comes readily to the mind where Angel's concerned. This isn't selfish so much as... terror."

Wesley put the keys in the ignition but didn't start the car. "You're angry because he's afraid?"

Was he? Doyle examined his feelings, trying to figure out exactly what they were. "I'm angry because he ran," he finally decided. "I can understand being scared -- this isn't exactly a picnic for me either -- but he ran. I can't."

"And you wouldn't even if you could," Wesley observed.

"Yeah, probably not." Doyle had learned the hard way that didn't work after all. "Still, there'd be times when I was tempted," he admitted, shaking his head with a smile.

"That's entirely understandable." Wesley reached out and patted his shoulder. "Well then. More shopping? Or would you like to go have coffee somewhere and talk? I'm at your disposal. Whatever you'd like to do."

"I think I'm pretty much all shopped out," Doyle said ruefully. "Though coffee sounds good?"

Wesley started up the car. "All right. There's a place not too far from here -- a locally owned business. We'll relax there for a while and then see what strikes your fancy."

"It could be what strikes your fancy," Doyle offered, trying again to draw Wesley out. "This doesn't have to be all about me."

The smile Wesley gave him was mild, distracted. "But you're the one who's upset. Or who *was* upset. This *is* about you."

"I was upset. You came, took me out, now I'm just looking forward to spending some time with a friend."

Pausing the car at the edge of the parking lot and waiting for a break in the traffic, Wesley turned and looked at him. "Thank you," he said, his voice soft.

"You're welcome," Doyle replied automatically, without really understanding why he was being thanked. Which was why a few second later he was asking, "For what?"

"For saying that," Wesley said, pulling out onto the street. "For thinking it."

Ah. Doyle grinned. "Thanks for being it."

"I can say in all honesty that it's been no hardship whatsoever," Wesley told him.

"Even when I was a ghost on your computer?"

"Even then," Wesley agreed. "I won't deny that there was a certain amount of confusion at first, but since then, well... it's been a pleasure getting to know you." Doyle thought he might be able to detect a tiny flush on Wesley's cheeks.

"Likewise." He watched Wesley for a moment before observing, "Not easy for you to admit to that, is it?"

Wesley kept his eyes focused straight ahead, but after a minute or so he said, "No."

Doyle nodded. "Means all the more that you did it then."

He could see Wesley's right hand tighten on the wheel. "I just want you to be happy. Both of you."

"We went over this earlier didn't we? I thought we decided to work on making sure all three of us were happy, yeah?"

"Yes, you're right," Wesley said.

"Well then. Let's take that as a given and move on to coffee and figuring out what we both want to do for the rest of the day, shall we?"

Wesley's quick smile, even if Doyle thought it wasn't totally genuine, was enough to make him smile in return. "All right."

 

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

For all I know you're busy and you aren't going to look at your email, especially if you're out shopping or whatever, but I wanted to check in. You know, see how things are going. Is Doyle okay?

Let me know?

Thanks.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> For all I know you're busy and you aren't going to look at your email,  
especially if you're out shopping or whatever, but I wanted to check  
in. You know, see how things are going. Is Doyle okay?

Let me know?

Doyle is fine. We went out for lunch and then did some shopping and now are  
having coffee.

He's still not happy about your leaving but I don't think he's sharpening up any  
stakes.

> Thanks.

None needed. Spending time with Doyle has been... nice.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> Doyle is fine. We went out for lunch and then did some shopping and now are  
having coffee.

He's still not happy about your leaving but I don't think he's sharpening up any  
stakes.

"Doyle is fine?" Not to be ungrateful, but I was kind of hoping for some more detail. I mean... just because he's not planning to stake me doesn't mean he's not pissed off. Which he has every right to be.

If you felt like reminding him I'm sorry, that would be good.

> > Thanks.

> None needed. Spending time with Doyle has been... nice.

Good. As long as the two of you aren't saying bad things about me behind my back. Or okay, at least not things I don't deserve.

Thanks, Wesley. I know you just said I didn't need to thank you, but... it means a lot to me, that you're willing to do this.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel:

> "Doyle is fine?" Not to be ungrateful, but I was kind of hoping for  
some more detail. I mean... just because he's not planning to stake me  
doesn't mean he's not pissed off. Which he has every right to be.

He does still seem to be upset about what happened, but not so much in an angry  
way as disappointed.

> If you felt like reminding him I'm sorry, that would be good.

I think it would be best for you to tell him that yourself. It coming from me is  
just going to make Doyle feel like you're still trying to avoid him.

> > > Thanks.

> > None needed. Spending time with Doyle has been... nice.

> Good. As long as the two of you aren't saying bad things about me  
behind my back. Or okay, at least not things I don't deserve.

Don't worry. We've put off planning the coup until next week.

> Thanks, Wesley. I know you just said I didn't need to thank you, but...  
it means a lot to me, that you're willing to do this.

It means a lot to me that you would ask for my help. Especially after...  
everything.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > "Doyle is fine?" Not to be ungrateful, but I was kind of hoping for  
some more detail. I mean... just because he's not planning to stake me  
doesn't mean he's not pissed off. Which he has every right to be.

> He does still seem to be upset about what happened, but not so much in an angry  
way as disappointed.

Yeah, okay. I get that. He's got a right to be disappointed. I shouldn't have freaked out like that.

> > If you felt like reminding him I'm sorry, that would be good.

> I think it would be best for you to tell him that yourself. It coming from me is  
just going to make Doyle feel like you're still trying to avoid him.

He thinks I'm trying to avoid him? I just... it was too much, you know? I was losing it and I wanted to get out of there before I'd say something else that hurt him. I've done enough of that already.

But yeah, you're right. I'll tell him myself.

> > Good. As long as the two of you aren't saying bad things about me  
behind my back. Or okay, at least not things I don't deserve.

> Don't worry. We've put off planning the coup until next week.

Ha ha. Very funny.

> > Thanks, Wesley. I know you just said I didn't need to thank you, but...  
it means a lot to me, that you're willing to do this.

> It means a lot to me that you would ask for my help. Especially after...  
everything.

Well since I've got you reading this and everything -- assuming that you are and it's not lost in cyberspace somewhere -- can I ask for some advice?

Doyle and I were talking about moving into the executive apartment here at the office -- you know, somewhere new. So I've got a couple of people working on it -- just getting it into shape. It's already furnished and everything, it just needed... well, the human touch, I guess. I was thinking about asking Doyle to meet me over here later, once you guys are done with the shopping and whatever. What do you think?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > He does still seem to be upset about what happened, but not so much in  
an angry  
way as disappointed.

> Yeah, okay. I get that. He's got a right to be disappointed. I  
shouldn't have freaked out like that.

The disappointment seems to stem more from his being the cause of, ah, said  
freak out, than you actually doing it.

> > I think it would be best for you to tell him that yourself. It coming  
from me is  
just going to make Doyle feel like you're still trying to avoid him.

> He thinks I'm trying to avoid him? I just... it was too much, you know?  
I was losing it and I wanted to get out of there before I'd say  
something else that hurt him. I've done enough of that already.

Well, you've been emailing me and not emailing or calling him. So that does seem  
to Doyle like you're trying to avoid him.

> But yeah, you're right. I'll tell him myself.

That will help a great deal I believe.

> > Don't worry. We've put off planning the coup until next week.

> Ha ha. Very funny.

Did you realise that there's actually a place in Wolfram and Hart's year end  
review papers for 'number of attempted coups'?

> Well since I've got you reading this and everything -- assuming that  
you are and it's not lost in cyberspace somewhere -- can I ask for some  
advice?

Doyle and I were talking about moving into the executive apartment here  
at the office -- you know, somewhere new. So I've got a couple of  
people working on it -- just getting it into shape. It's already  
furnished and everything, it just needed... well, the human touch, I  
guess. I was thinking about asking Doyle to meet me over here later,  
once you guys are done with the shopping and whatever. What do you  
think?

I think that is an excellent idea.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > Yeah, okay. I get that. He's got a right to be disappointed. I  
shouldn't have freaked out like that.

> The disappointment seems to stem more from his being the cause of, ah, said  
freak out, than you actually doing it.

It's not his fault. Not any more than it's Cordy's, for giving him a way to come back. No matter how much I might freak out, I'm grateful to have him, you know?

> > He thinks I'm trying to avoid him? I just... it was too much, you know?  
I was losing it and I wanted to get out of there before I'd say  
something else that hurt him. I've done enough of that already.

> Well, you've been emailing me and not emailing or calling him. So that does seem  
to Doyle like you're trying to avoid him.

But he's out with you. How am I supposed to email him? Anyway... I was trying to give him some space, not avoid him. Trust me to screw it up.

> > But yeah, you're right. I'll tell him myself.

> That will help a great deal I believe.

I hope so. Every time I think there's nothing I can do to make things worse, I find out I'm wrong.

> > > Don't worry. We've put off planning the coup until next week.

> > Ha ha. Very funny.

> Did you realise that there's actually a place in Wolfram and Hart's year end  
review papers for 'number of attempted coups'?

Don't tell me stuff like that, Wes.

Although I guess I should be glad that the word 'attempted' is in there.

> > Well since I've got you reading this and everything -- assuming that  
you are and it's not lost in cyberspace somewhere -- can I ask for some  
advice?

Doyle and I were talking about moving into the executive apartment here  
at the office -- you know, somewhere new. So I've got a couple of  
people working on it -- just getting it into shape. It's already  
furnished and everything, it just needed... well, the human touch, I  
guess. I was thinking about asking Doyle to meet me over here later,  
once you guys are done with the shopping and whatever. What do you  
think?

> I think that is an excellent idea.

Okay. Except how am I supposed to do that if he's out with you? Ask him, I mean.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > The disappointment seems to stem more from his being the cause of, ah,  
said freak out, than you actually doing it.

> It's not his fault. Not any more than it's Cordy's, for giving him a  
way to come back. No matter how much I might freak out, I'm grateful to  
have him, you know?

I'm certain Doyle knows that, but it can't hurt for you to tell him that again.

It is never a bad thing for someone to tell you how much you are needed and  
wanted.

> > Well, you've been emailing me and not emailing or calling him. So that  
does seem to Doyle like you're trying to avoid him.

> But he's out with you. How am I supposed to email him? Anyway... I was  
trying to give him some space, not avoid him. Trust me to screw it up.

You haven't given him a cell phone yet?

If you wish to email him, do so and let me know. Doyle can check his account  
with my palm pilot. But I won't suggest it to him if there is going to be  
nothing there for him to find.

> > > But yeah, you're right. I'll tell him myself.

> > That will help a great deal I believe.

> I hope so. Every time I think there's nothing I can do to make things  
worse, I find out I'm wrong.

I am quite intimately acquainted with that particular feeling.

> > Did you realise that there's actually a place in Wolfram and Hart's  
year end  
review papers for 'number of attempted coups'?

> Don't tell me stuff like that, Wes.

Although I guess I should be glad that the word 'attempted' is in there.

I'm not entirely certain if our taking over falls under successful coup or just  
change in management.

> > > Doyle and I were talking about moving into the executive apartment  
here at the office -- you know, somewhere new. So I've got a couple of  
people working on it -- just getting it into shape. It's already  
furnished and everything, it just needed... well, the human touch, I  
guess. I was thinking about asking Doyle to meet me over here later,  
once you guys are done with the shopping and whatever. What do you  
think?

> > I think that is an excellent idea.

> Okay. Except how am I supposed to do that if he's out with you? Ask  
him, I mean.

Email him. I'll make sure he sees it.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > It's not his fault. Not any more than it's Cordy's, for giving him a  
way to come back. No matter how much I might freak out, I'm grateful to  
have him, you know?

> I'm certain Doyle knows that, but it can't hurt for you to tell him that again.

It is never a bad thing for someone to tell you how much you are needed and  
wanted.

You're right. Thanks for reminding me.

> > But he's out with you. How am I supposed to email him? Anyway... I was  
trying to give him some space, not avoid him. Trust me to screw it up.

> You haven't given him a cell phone yet?

If you wish to email him, do so and let me know. Doyle can check his account  
with my palm pilot. But I won't suggest it to him if there is going to be  
nothing there for him to find.

No cell phone yet. It's not like he's been leaving the hotel. But you're right, he needs one.

And I'll send him an email as soon as I finish this one to you. Promise.

> > I hope so. Every time I think there's nothing I can do to make things  
worse, I find out I'm wrong.

> I am quite intimately acquainted with that particular feeling.

Wes, I... here's one of those places where I want to say something that will help, and I have no idea what that might be. Everyone makes mistakes. God knows I have. That doesn't mean you're not a good person. At the risk of getting mushy, I'm glad you're around. I'm glad you're my friend.

> > Don't tell me stuff like that, Wes.

Although I guess I should be glad that the word 'attempted' is in there.

> I'm not entirely certain if our taking over falls under successful coup or just  
change in management.

Change in management. There, I've said it, and I'm sticking to it.

> > Okay. Except how am I supposed to do that if he's out with you? Ask  
him, I mean.

> Email him. I'll make sure he sees it.

Okay, I'm hitting send and then writing email to Doyle.

Thanks, Wes.

\- Angel

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

Wesley said he'd make sure you got this.

I'm sorry about this morning, but that's not what this is about. I mean, it *is*, but I don't want to go back and forth where we keep trying to explain and misunderstand each other. It's too hard like this.

So -- when you're done with your day... when you've done everything you wanted to do and you think you can stand to look at me again, come to Wolfram and Hart. There's an elevator to the executive apartment at the back of my office.

I'll be waiting for you.

I love you. Even when I fuck it up, I love you. I need you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that you don't get hurt again. Not by me, not by anyone.

\- Angel


	25. Chapter 25

Angel sat down and crossed his legs, then wondered if that was too casual. If it made him look... like he didn't care. And that was so far from the truth that he got up again and started pacing.

When he heard the sound of the elevator starting up, he had a moment when he wasn't sure what to do with his hands.

Jesus, he'd fucked things up so badly that morning. Every part of him was tense at the thought that he might mess them up more. That he wouldn't be able to find the right words.

Luckily the elevator was fast and arrived before he could work himself up into any more of a lather. The doors opened and Doyle stepped out.

Angel stared.

Doyle had obviously not been idle during the day; he seemed to have gone out of his way to lessen any resemblance to Cordelia as much as he could.

He was dressed in jeans and a baggy shirt that went a long way toward disguising the feminine curves of his new body. His hair had been cut short and styled into a much more androgynous style, and the color darkened slightly to more closely resemble Doyle's original color.

Spotting Angel, Doyle smiled nervously, seeming as jumpy as Angel himself was feeling. "Surprise?" he said uncertainly, holding his arms out a little as if showing off his new look.

"Um... yeah." Angel realized he was still staring, and forced himself to blink. "Wow. You look... different."

"That was the idea." Doyle looked down at himself, self-consciously raising a hand to touch his hair. "I may still not be me, but it's a damned sight closer. And at least it's not so obviously Cordelia, y'know?" He paused. "Is it okay?"

"Yeah! Yeah, it's great!" Angel hastened to reassure him, then wondered if he was going overboard. He didn't know where to put his hands, and finally settled for sticking them in his pants pockets. "It's good. You look really... good."

"Yeah?" Doyle grinned, and that made him look even more like himself. "Really?"

"Really." Angel took a deep breath, trying to get out the words that he needed to say. "I'm sorry. About this morning. I'm really, really sorry."

"So am I," Doyle said, crossing over to where Angel was standing and sliding his arms around Angel's waist. "I was -- Well, I'm not at my best that early."

Angel sighed in relief and put his own arms around Doyle, pulling him close. "Hell of a way to wake up," he agreed. "Maybe it's been too long since I tried to do something like this. You know, the relationship thing."

"Bout time you tried again then, don't you think?" Doyle asked looking up at him.

He put his hands on either side of Doyle's face and just held it, their eyes meeting. It was such a relief every time, seeing eyes that were undoubtedly Doyle's in Cordy's face. "I'll do better," he promised, hoping against hope that he wasn't making a promise he couldn't keep.

"Just keep trying," Doyle murmured, not looking away from Angel's gaze. "We'll get it right eventually as long as we keep at it."

"I... um..." Unable to resist the temptation, Angel bent and brushed his lips over Doyle's, then let go. "I got you some things."

"Yeah?" Doyle grinned. "Other than the new apartment?"

Angel nodded. "That was yours anyway. But yeah." He moved over to the side table, where he'd pushed a collection of decorative vases over to one edge to make room for the selection of wrapped gifts, and picked up the heaviest one, then brought it over and offered it to Doyle.

Doyle took the bottle-shaped wrapped gift with a crooked grin. "Single malt?" he asked even as he started unwrapping it.

Trying to suppress the tiny surge of disappointment, Angel shrugged and grinned. Not like he was any expert at wrapping presents. "Thought it might, you know... still suit your taste buds?"

"It better or me and the higher powers are going to be having a discussion. Some pleasures you just don't give up, no matter what body you're in." The smile he shot Angel made him think that Doyle wasn't just talking about the whiskey.

"I could get a glass. You want a glass?"

"Why don't you get two and join me?"

Part of Angel thought maybe him and any kind of substances wasn't such a good idea, considering how he'd managed to screw things up when he'd been perfectly sober, but he nodded and went to get two glasses.

When he turned back from the bar with the glasses, he found Doyle settled on the couch, carefully opening the bottle.

He went over and stood there awkwardly, not knowing if their earlier hug meant things were okay again or not. Should he apologize again?

Doyle looked up and rolled his eyes. "Sit down already; I'm going to get a crick in my neck looking up at you."

Still awkward, Angel sat, leaving a good few inches of space between them and trying not to get too distracted by how really luscious the curve of Doyle's thigh looked in the jeans, androgynous or no. When Doyle had opened the bottle, Angel helpfully held out one glass and then the other as the whiskey was poured.

Putting the bottle down, Doyle took one of the glasses and held it up for a toast. "To being in it for the long haul?" he asked softly.

Angel was spellbound again, staring into Doyle's eyes. "Yeah," he said finally, his voice rough. "For the long haul."

Doyle smiled and clinked their glasses together before taking a drink. "Oh yeah," he murmured, obviously savoring it. "That's the good stuff."

Tearing his eyes away, Angel took a hurried sip, but the taste of it slowed him down. "Wow." He took another sip, smaller this time, rolling it around in his mouth. "I think we need to buy stock in this stuff."

"Won't get any arguments from me."

Angel's gaze was on Doyle's lips now. "So it's good? Um... as a present, I mean?"

"It's very good," Doyle assured him, taking another drink, then leaning over and kissing him.

Oh God, the taste of the whiskey, and those lips... Angel kept waiting for it to seem less amazing, and every time it was just the same. The lust... the love... totally overpowering. Like he'd been in a frozen wasteland for the past months, and had come home to his hearth to get warm. "I love you," he said, reaching for Doyle's free hand and entwining their fingers together.

Doyle smiled and looked down at their clasped hands. "That's always good to hear," he said softly.

"That's not all, you know."

"There's more than you love me?"

"What?" Angel frowned, then realized he hadn't said it right. "Um, no. I meant, there's other presents."

Doyle paused. "I'm torn between telling you ya didn't have to do that and asking what you got me."

Angel felt a grin spread across his face. "You'll have to open them and find out." He gestured over at the side table where the other gifts were still sitting.

"Okay, you *really* didn't have to do this," Doyle said, as he reached over and picked up the first package. "But thanks."

"Better not say that until you see what they are," Angel said warningly, but without losing the grin. He was pretty sure Doyle was going to like everything. He hoped.

"I'm a big proponent of it being the thought that counts, especially if the thought comes with single malt whiskey," Doyle quipped as he unwrapped the small box.

"Well yeah, but... I wanted to get you stuff you'd like." Angel leaned back against the back of the couch with one arm hanging over, trying to look more casual than he felt.

"I liked the whiskey so you're off to a good start." The paper was off and Doyle opened the box.

Angel nervously waited for some kind of reaction.

Doyle gave a bark of laughter. "I thought I was supposed to be getting you a watch," he teased, lifting the one Angel had bought him out of the box.

He wasn't sure what kind of reaction that was. "Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that. I just thought... you know. It's *almost* jewelry. And it's practical. I didn't think you'd want me to get you, I don't know, earrings or something."

"Not the kind Cordelia used to wear at least," Doyle agreed with a grin, sliding the watch onto his wrist. "Thanks."

It looked good on his wrist, Angel thought. Kind of chunky, somewhere between masculine and feminine. "So... you like it?"

Doyle leaned over and kissed him. "I like it," he said, when he pulled back.

"Good." He hesitated, then offered, "If you didn't, it'd be okay to say so. I mean, I'm not saying you *don't* like it, just... I won't figure out what kind of stuff to get you unless I know."

"I like it," Doyle repeated, smiling at him. "You really need to learn to take me at my word."

"I'm not- " Angel started to protest, then cut himself off. "Okay, yeah, maybe I am. Sorry." He gestured at the other two gifts that were waiting on the table.

"Besides," Doyle added, reaching for the next gift, "if you're ever in doubt what to get me, you can't go wrong with the single malt."

"You kidding? Cordy'd kill me if I let you destroy her liver." Angel hoped that his wry expression made it clear that he was only partially joking.

"You planning on getting me presents often enough that that would be a problem?"

"Maybe." Angel watched as Doyle unwrapped the third gift, hoping that this one wasn't going to flop either. Although come to think of it, if Doyle liked this one he'd be three for three, which was pretty good.

Doyle pulled out the leather bag that was somewhere between a purse and a satchel. "Fitting me out with all the accessories are ya?" he asked grinning.

"I figured you wouldn't want to go around with a wallet in your back pocket," Angel pointed out. "But then I couldn't really picture you with a purse either, so..."

Standing up, Doyle slip the strap over his head and settled it on his shoulder. "This is good, I can work with this."

It looked familiar, kind of like going back in time to seeing Cordy. Other than the whole long hair/short hair thing. "Helps to be able to carry stuff around. You know... driver's license... credit cards... books... whatever."

"Weapons, chains, possibly sex toys," Doyle teased, taking it back off and sitting down beside Angel again, closer than he had been before.

Angel made a mental note to have Doyle open the bag later on and wrapped an arm around Doyle's waist, pulling him even closer. With the other hand, he reached up and touched Doyle's hair, letting the shorter strands ruffle through his fingers. "It's nice," he said, as he breathed in the scent of an unfamiliar shampoo. "I like it."

"I hoped it would make things easier," Doyle said softly, leaning his head on Angel's shoulder.

He sighed and kissed the top of Doyle's head. "I don't know if anything's really gonna make things easier," he admitted. "Other than time, maybe."

"It helps me, at least a little, to look into the mirror and see... well, not the face I remember, but at least not so blatantly Cordelia's face."

"I know this is hard on you, too," Angel told him. "Heck, it's harder on you than anybody. And I don't... I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about it. But sometimes I might just have to... get away. Doesn't mean I don't love you." It made him feel stupid to say it, having admitted that Doyle had the hardest time of all and *couldn't* get away from it, but he was struggling to be honest about how he felt.

"I know," Doyle acknowledged, sliding a hand into Angel's shirt to rest against his bare skin. "Can't say I'll ever be happy when you do it, but I understand."

The acceptance almost made him feel worse, but Doyle's touch was enough of a distraction to keep Angel from getting bogged down. Instead of answering with words, he tilted Doyle's head and kissed him deeply, his lips encouraging Doyle's to part.

Doyle immediately acquiesced and the kiss deepened and lengthened until Doyle finally had to pull away breathless. "Apologizing like that will get you outta a whole lotta trouble."

"Be nice if it was that easy," Angel said. He knew if it was up to him they'd just end up fucking right there on the couch, and there were other things he wanted to get settled first, so he gave Doyle another quick kiss and then got up and went to get the last wrapped gift from the side table.

"It can be that easy, sometimes," Doyle said, accepting the last package with a smile. "With me at least."

Which was more than Angel figured he deserved, but at least he'd learned enough not to say that out loud. He watched nervously as Doyle tore the wrapping paper off the large box. "If you don't like it, we can take it back," he said.

Doyle opened the box, pushed the tissue paper aside and froze. Glancing up at Angel he said, "I thought you didn't want me to wear..."

"Yeah, well... I was wrong." Angel shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Sort of. I guess... I thought this would really say 'Sorry.' Better than anything else could."

Setting the box aside, Doyle got up and wrapped his arms around Angel's neck and kissed him lingeringly.

Angel held Doyle tightly, letting his warmth seep in, tasting the faint hint of whiskey still in Doyle's mouth as they kissed.

"You sure you want me to put it on?" Doyle asked, when his mouth was released.

The lilt in Doyle's voice made it easier to say yes. "Yeah. Long as you don't mind if I take it off you again."

Doyle grinned. "I wouldn't have it any other way." He moved away and picked up the box. He gave Angel a teasing smile and started heading for the doorway to the bedroom. "I'll be right back."

"Okay."

While Angel waited for Doyle to change, he went over and poured himself another drink. It wasn't that he didn't want to see what Doyle looked like in the dress he'd bought -- he did. It was more that he was having such a hard time looking at the curves that had belonged to Cordelia for so long and remembering that it was Doyle in there. When they were talking, when he could look into Doyle's eyes, it was easy. Other times...

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear his lover come back in until Doyle cleared his throat.

Though Angel had imagined when he bought the dress what it would look like on Doyle, his imagination had fallen far short of the reality. The dress fit Doyle like a second skin, its short skirt flaring out around his hips in a soft fall of material hinting at the mysteries beneath.

Angel had been right; it was the exact same green as Doyle's eyes, a color that seemed to set off the considerable amount of bare skin on display. His eyes kept being drawn to Doyle's legs which seemed longer than ever, framed as they were by the skirt on one end and the matching high heeled shoes on the other.

"Hi," he said, in a voice that sounded breathless and awed.

"It seems to fit," Doyle said, then smiled wryly and looked down at his chest and the dress' plunging neckline. "More or less."

"Less is... good." Angel swallowed, his eyes taking in the outward curve of breast and inward curve of waist.

Doyle's smile turned into something heated when he looked back up again. "So you like how it looks?"

"Yeah." He was aware of sounding like an idiot, but wasn't sure how to stop. He found himself walking over toward his lover, not stopping until he was just far enough away to still be able to see everything he wanted to look at.

"Good." Doyle took a careful step towards Angel, obviously still getting the feel of the heels.

Angel moved forward to meet him, catching Doyle around the waist and offering a steadying grip if it was needed, automatically bending his head in toward Doyle's neck and sucking on the skin there very gently. "Mmm," he said. "Perfect."

Doyle chuckled, though the sound had a bit of a breathy quality to it. "Guess what they say is true - if ya got it, flaunt it."

"You can flaunt it in my direction any time." Angel licked a line from the base of Doyle's throat all the way up to his ear, feeling the delicate thrum of heartbeat just under the skin.

"Oh, I can definitely foresee lots of flaunting in my future," Doyle murmured, tilting his head to give Angel better access.

Temptation was strong, almost like it was running through his own veins. Angel could smell the blood through the thin layers of skin, could just about taste it. "Don't... flaunt something that's not an option," he forced out, bringing his mouth to Doyle's in a move intended to distract him from his other desire.

Doyle kissed him back wholeheartedly, wrapping his arms around Angel's neck and pressing up against his body.

All of which helped with the distracting -- Angel felt himself respond instantly to the sweet pressure of Doyle's body against his. He slid his hands down over the small of Doyle's back and then lower, cupping his ass.

"Mm," Doyle murmured against his lips, "I can feel how much you like it."

Angel kissed him harder, ground his lower body against Doyle's, loving the way they fit together like this. "Love it," he managed to say. "Love *you.*"

"Love you too," Doyle replied, his hips moving with Angel's in encouragement.

It was amazing how Doyle knew how to move -- as if he'd always been in a woman's body, his instincts were perfect. Angel groaned and lifted Doyle right up off the floor, both hands under the curve of his ass in support, holding him up as they kissed frantically.

Doyle laughed into Angel's mouth as he wrapped his legs around Angel's waist for better support. "That vampire strength comes in handy, doesn't it?"

"For more things than one," Angel agreed, turning slightly and taking a few steps in the general direction of the bedroom's doorway.

"I think this rates as my favorite form of transportation," Doyle said, laughing again and leaning in for another kiss.

Angel let Doyle's tongue flicker over his own. "I could offer to carry you around like this all the time," he said, abandoning the journey in favor of pressing Doyle up against the nearest wall.

"Ya don't think that might cause talk at all those meetings you go to?"

He shrugged. "Maybe people wouldn't notice?"

"I think it might be a little hard to miss," Doyle pointed out, squirming against him. "Just like you are right now."

Angel used more of his weight to pin Doyle more firmly to the wall, putting a halt to the majority of the squirming. Not that he didn't like it, but... "You think I'm hard to miss?" he asked.

"Well, you're hard right now," Doyle pushed his hips more firmly against him to illustrate the point, "and I'm miss you like this. So..."

"You keep doing that," Angel said, growling slightly as Doyle flexed his hips again, "and we're not gonna make it to the bedroom."

"And that's supposed to deter me?" Doyle asked, doing it again.

"So you're saying it'd be okay with you if I fucked you up against the wall?"

A full body shiver went through Doyle at that. "I think I could live with that, yeah."

Angel slid a hand further down Doyle's thigh, then back up under the edge of the short skirt, finding -- not to his great surprise -- that Doyle wasn't wearing any underwear. "I dunno," he said, mock thoughtfully. "Maybe we shouldn't fuck here until we've decided."

"Decided?" Doyle asked, breath catching at the caress of Angel's fingers.

"If we're gonna stay."

Doyle laughed. "You want me to make real estate decisions right now?" he asked disbelievingly. Before Angel could answer, Doyle kissed him again and then asked, "Do you like it?"

"The place?" Angel nibbled his way over to Doyle's ear, then whispered, "As long as you're here, I like it just fine."

"Good answer."

"What do you think? Could you see us here?" He moved his mouth back to Doyle's, temporarily postponing his reply.

Doyle kissed him back whole heartedly, his tongue darting into Angel's mouth and making a thorough exploration." When he pulled back, he asked, "These windows, they're that vampire flame proof glass?"

Angel blinked, then nodded. "Whole building's supposed to be fitted with it."

"So I could fuck you in sunlight if we stay here."

"Hypothetically."

Doyle gave him a look that was two parts exasperation and one part affection. "We're gonna work on the stubbornness of yours. But yeah, I can see us here."

"You're just saying that because of the sun thing, aren't you." In that moment Angel could barely summon up the energy to care, what with a warm, slightly squirming Doyle pressed between himself and the wall.

"Yeah, because living in an apartment that has every possibly conceivable luxury is going to be such a hardship."

"There you go using that word 'hard' again," Angel said, punctuating the word with a thrust of his hips. "I'm gonna end up thinking you only want me for my body. Well, and my apartment. *Our* apartment."

"Our apartment." Doyle grinned. "I like the sound of that."

"Me too." Angel leaned in and rested his forehead against Doyle's, looking into his eyes. "Don't let me screw this up, okay? I don't want to screw this up."

One of Doyle's hands came up and rested against Angel's cheek. "You're not going to screw this up. I promise."

Angel wanted to say something else, but he didn't know what. Didn't know how to put what he was feeling into words. He just... wanted Doyle to put his arms around him and not let go. Ever. He wanted to lose himself in Doyle.

Doyle leaned in and pressed a light, almost chaste kiss to Angel's lips. "I love you."

He closed his eyes, gentling his hold on Doyle. "Love you too."

"As long as we both keep that in mind, we won't screw this up," Doyle told him.

Angel almost laughed. "I think you're underestimating my ability to screw things up."

"I think you're underestimating my stubbornness in keeping you now that I have you."

"Well... good. I mean, I like you being stubborn about that."

Doyle grinned. "Like it or hate it, just as long as you learn to accept it. I'm not letting you go, so you're just going to have to live with me lovin' you."

He couldn't think of any actual word response to that, so he just kissed Doyle again, harder this time, letting himself crush Doyle against the wall the way he wanted to, not quite able to make himself hold back.

Doyle didn't protest or complain; in fact he tightened his arms around Angel, pulling him even closer and kissing Angel back with just as much enthusiasm.

Angel thought, just briefly, that this was like playing with fire. A little too self-destructive, but somehow, something that you couldn't quite resist. He slid two fingers under and around Doyle's thigh to the juncture of his legs and teased him roughly, loving the way it felt and wanting nothing more than to fuck him right here, hard and fast and careless.

Doyle moaned against his lips, then dropped his head back against the wall, mouth slightly open to gasp for air. "Oh yeah," he muttered, squirming against Angel's fingers. "Feel so good..."

That was all the encouragement Angel needed -- he pinned Doyle to the wall with one hip while his other hand fumbled desperately with the front of his own pants, then shoved the short skirt up further. "Jesus," he muttered, as he got his hand around his cock. "Want you."

"You got me," Doyle replied, still squirming against him in a way that was driving Angel even crazier. "Forever."

Control completely eroded, Angel kissed Doyle so hard he could feel his lip split, could taste the blood on his tongue. He grabbed Doyle's other thigh and pushed inside him, growling when he felt the heat surround him.

He swallowed the noises that Doyle made, feeling the tiny, almost imperceptible tremors that went through Doyle's body as Angel sank deeper into him.

There wasn't any thought to spare for gentleness -- Angel was in a place where pretty much all he cared about was how things felt. How it felt to fuck Doyle, how it felt to have Doyle move against him, how it felt to scrape his fangs -- and he hadn't realized he was in game face until right then -- over the thin soft skin of Doyle's throat.

Doyle whimpered and arched his neck in response, a mute invitation.

Angel rubbed his mouth across the vein he wanted so desperately to bite, thrust again into Doyle, even harder, and then sank his teeth deep into fragile flesh, the hot rush of blood into his mouth heady, intoxicating.

A sound half yell, half moan, came from Doyle's mouth, coming the second Angel's fangs had slid into his throat.

Angel's own body was on auto-pilot. He pounded into Doyle at the same time he drank from him, swallowing mouthfuls of blood, then tore the front of the dress Doyle was wearing open and licked an escaped trail of blood down across fine skin.

"Angel..." Doyle gasped, shudders of pleasure going through his body under the onslaught.

The sound of his own name brought Angel up short -- he didn't stop moving, but he managed to wrench himself back to reality. He shifted Doyle's weight against the wall slightly, changing the angle of his thrusts, and shook off game face. He couldn't get a hand between them in the position they were in, so instead he started circling his hips as he thrust, trying to give Doyle as much stimulation as he could.

He could feel Doyle's excitement ratcheting upwards, in the way Doyle's breath was catching more, on how the tremors were getting longer and more apparent. Even his scent seemed heavy with his pleasure.

"So good," Angel told him, moving faster, feeling his own orgasm gathering low in his balls.

"Angel," Doyle gasped again, seemingly unable to think any more beyond that.

And if hearing his own name had grounded Angel before, it did the opposite now, shattering him completely as he came, shuddering and gasping Doyle's name.

Doyle's soft wordless cry signaled that Angel wasn't alone in that.

He had to stop moving eventually though, and when he did, he brought his mouth to the wound on Doyle's throat and nuzzled it carefully, licking the torn flesh. The blood flow had slowed to a sluggish trickle, and it still tasted... amazing. Like Doyle and Cordy rolled into one. "You okay?" he murmured softly.

"Okay?" Doyle laughed, the sound a caress on Angel's hearing. "That might be a tad bit of an understatement."

"I could show you the bed?" Angel offered, kissing the corner of Doyle's mouth and leaving a tiny smear of blood there, which he quickly licked off. "I mean, I guess you already *saw* it, but..."

"Bed would be good," Doyle said, saving him from babbling more.

Of course, that left the problem of how exactly they were going to get there, what with Angel's pants around his hips and, well...

Angel took a step backward away from the wall and heaved Doyle up and over his shoulder, then yanked his pants up with the other hand and strode, on legs that were only a little bit shaky, into the bedroom.

"We really need to work on your idea of romantic transportation," Doyle complained good-naturedly from his upside down position.

"Weren't you the one saying you'd like me to carry you around all the time?" Angel stopped at the edge of the large bed and then tossed Doyle down onto it with a grin.

Doyle bounced up a good couple of inches when he landed before settling on the mattress. "Good springs," he commented.

"New sheets too," Angel pointed out unnecessarily, then felt his grin falter slightly. "It's okay? I mean... you really want to stay?"

"Of course I want to stay. Stop being an idiot and get down here," Doyle told him.

Angel pulled the sheets down -- he hadn't turned them down earlier, had thought maybe it would have looked like he was a little too sure of himself -- and waited for Doyle to climb between them before getting comfortable. He put an arm around Doyle's waist and licked very gently at his throat again. "Does it hurt a lot?"

"It doesn't hurt at all." Doyle raised his chin, giving Angel better access. "Though I can say it does if it means you keep doing that."

There was a gnawing guilt in his chest, because he damn well shouldn't have just let himself do that -- not to Doyle -- but he concentrated on the last lingering taste of the blood on his tongue, and on continuing to lick the spot as carefully as he could, since Doyle did seem to be enjoying it. "Don't want to hurt you," he said softly.

"I don't want to be hurt," Doyle replied, bringing a hand up to stroke at the short hairs at the nape of Angel's neck. "I'm not a masochist, Angel. If you do something I don't like, I'm going to speak up."

Angel closed his eyes as a little sound escaped him at the touch. "Yeah. I know." He relaxed a little bit, resting his chin gently on Doyle's shoulder.

"Have you heard me complaining so far?"

"No." But then, until today he'd managed to keep from biting Doyle. Angel sort of figured they'd entered a whole new territory.

"So, let's review. I haven't complained, and I'd speak up if you did something that I didn't like. What conclusion can we draw from these two facts?"

Angel swallowed and thought. "That... at some point I'll find out that I did something you don't like, but not until after I've already done it?"

"Okay, that would be the wrong answer." Doyle sighed. "Angel, two and two do not equal five. Stop extrapolating and take what I tell you at face value."

"Wait. Two and two isn't five? Since when?" Angel tried to grin apologetically.

"Angel, do you trust me?"

He blinked, then hitched himself backward a few inches so that he could really look at Doyle's face. "You think I don't trust you?"

Doyle shook his head. "It's not about what I think -- it's about what you think."

"I trust you." It was an automatic answer, but there wasn't any doubt in Angel's mind that it was true.

A small smile touched Doyle's lips and he raised a hand to lay against Angel's cheek. "Then trust me not to let you hurt me."

It wasn't that simple, and never would be. But there was no point in getting into it. "I trust you," he repeated, and pulled Doyle in close. "Not to mention that whole love thing."

"The whole love thing is a pretty big thing not to mention," Doyle commented, letting Angel fit them together.

"Yeah." Angel reached up and touched Doyle's new shorter hair again, liking the way the short spiky bits felt against his palm.

"Mm," Doyle murmured, smiling. "Feels good."

Angel kept doing it. "It's different," he said, then added quickly, "I like it. It's... you." Then he slid his hand down to finger the torn dress. "Guess I liked this a little *too* much."

Doyle chuckled. "You can buy me a new one. And rip that one off me too."

He couldn't say that the idea didn't appeal to him. "Sounds like you're gonna spend an awful lot of time without wearable clothes."

"Leave me a few pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts and I'll be fine," Doyle said with a shrug.

Angel kissed him, sliding one hand down to cup Doyle's ass. "What if I said I liked you naked?"

"Here in the apartment? I'd say I could live with that."

"I just... can't stop thinking about you," Angel said honestly, feeling a little bit embarrassed about it. "All the time. It's like you're everything."

A slow delighted smile spread across Doyle's face. "I don't think I've ever been anyone's everything before."

"Yeah. It's... kind of scary, actually." Since he seemed to have slipped into this mood of actually saying some of the stuff he thought about but didn't say, might as well run with it. "I'm scared I'm gonna fuck this up. And... I know you said you won't let me. But..."

"But you think you're going to be more talented at fucking it up than I am at preventing you."

Angel hesitated, then admitted, "Well... yeah."

Doyle nodded. "I'll just have to work harder to convince you."

"It might just take time," Angel said. "And, you know... stuff like today. Me screwing up and you forgiving me."

"Gotta tell ya, man. You're awfully good at apologizing."

That dragged a little smile from Angel, no matter how reluctant. "I try."

"You had me at the single malt, Angel. Really."

"So are you telling me the dress wasn't necessary?" Angel slid his hand down Doyle's thigh and then back up under the fabric, caressing bare skin.

Doyle shifted, making it easier for Angel to touch all he wanted. "I didn't say that. Considering the response it got..."

"You can get a response like that from me any time you want," Angel said. "Doesn't matter what you're wearing -- or, you know, not wearing." He pushed the dress up higher, pressing his own thigh in between Doyle's legs.

"I'm getting that impression," Doyle all but purred.

"Let's stay here tonight." Angel licked Doyle's lower lip. "Like... a fresh start. Can we?"

"I'd like that." Doyle smiled shyly. "Today's been all about making fresh starts for me, this just finishes the picture."

Angel kissed him, long and slow, at the same time reaching behind Doyle and undoing the zipper down the back of the dress. "This is all ripped," he explained between kisses. "What a shame. It'll have to come off."

"Yeah, that's a real pity." Doyle's grin had turned wicked. "Think ya can help me with that?"

"Guess I'll have to," Angel said, heaving a fake sigh. He pulled the dress over Doyle's shoulder and then wriggled the material down over curved hips, bending to press a gentle kiss onto Doyle's stomach.

"You can be my personal dresser if you want. Y'know, if you have any time left over from running a formerly evil law-firm, and brooding."

Angel tossed the dress to the floor and trailed his tongue up Doyle's inner thigh. "I can think of things I'd rather do than dress you."

"Personal undresser then?"

"Won't leave me much time for brooding," Angel said thoughtfully.

"From where I'm sitting, that is just a bonus, y'know."

He flicked his tongue over the spot he knew would bring Doyle the most pleasure. "You're not sitting, you're lying down," he said. "Not that I'm complaining."

Doyle caught his breath at the touch. "Metaphorically sitting," he explained.

Angel did the exact same thing with his tongue again, then lifted his head. "Uh huh."

"You can keep doing that," Doyle told him. "I won't stop ya."

"Oh," Angel said innocently. "I thought you wanted to talk about, you know. Metaphors."

"Angel," Doyle growled.

Just as innocently, Angel blinked. "You don't want to talk?"

"Don't make me spank you."

Angel chuckled, unable to help himself, then slid his tongue over the same spot again. "Oh yeah, I'm worried," he said against Doyle's inner thigh.

"What -- you don't think I can take you?" Doyle managed to sound breathless and outraged all at once.

"Let's just say I don't want to find out tonight," Angel said, applying his tongue once more. "I... I love you. I feel like I need to keep saying that."

"There's..." Doyle gasped, "...worse things to be repeating."

Angel wasn't sure if it was so easy to focus on Doyle because he genuinely wanted him to feel amazing -- which was true, wasn't it? -- or because he was trying to hide from the stuff that was going on inside his own head. Either way, he decided Doyle deserved the best... or, at least, the best he was capable of giving, even though that would never be enough.

But his focus now seemed to be enough to finally distract Doyle from his endless chatter, as he gave up talking in favor of gasps and whimpers and other sounds of pleasure.

Sliding both hands underneath Doyle's ass and lifting him slightly, Angel took advantage of the new position to push his tongue deeper. It meant he couldn't talk either, but heck, he liked it that way.

Doyle's hands came down and threaded into Angel's hair, holding him in place and mutely asking for more.

Which he was perfectly happy to give. Everything he had, which okay, wasn't a hell of a lot at this point, but this, at least, he was good at. This he could do. Angel kneaded Doyle's ass and made a little growling sound of pleasure as he continued to fuck Doyle with his tongue.

It didn't take long before Doyle was trembling beneath him, on the edge of coming.

Angel thought about pulling back, teasing Doyle, making him wait -- for about three seconds. The temptation to continue, to hear the little sounds that Doyle made when he came, to feel all of those muscles tense up... it was too strong.

Less than a minute more and he was getting his wish; Doyle was coming with Angel's name on his lips.

Angel waited until the last of the shudders had died down, then moved up to kiss Doyle. "So what'd'ya think?"

"About what?" Doyle asked lazily, still seeming dazed.

"I thought that was my audition. For the undressing you position." Angel paused. "Um, well no, undressing you was the audition. I think this was the visit to the casting couch."

"Oh." Doyle stretched and yawned. "I think we'd be bringing you back for a second interview."

"What!?" Angel pushed himself farther up onto one elbow and looked at Doyle with mock outrage. "That wasn't enough to convince you?"

"Maybe I just want you to be motivated for a repeat performance." Doyle paused. "Not necessarily right this second."

"If you're not careful, I'll eliminate the need for you to have a personal undresser altogether," Angel warned him, leaning down and nipping at the soft skin of Doyle's shoulder.

"Ow," Doyle said with absolutely no heat behind it. He wrapped his arms around Angel, wriggling around to get more comfortable.

Angel let him move into whatever position was good, idly enjoying the faint lingering scent of blood in the air. "So... are you okay? I mean... other than having to deal with me and the stupid things I do?"

"Yeah." Doyle smiled at him. "I'm okay. Really. Actually, better than okay, right now. Kinda tingling."

"And things with Wes? They were okay too?"

"Yeah. Wes is a good guy." Angel got another smile, this one combined with a knowing look. "You asked him to keep an eye on me, didn't you?"

"No?"

Doyle just continued to look at him knowingly.

"Okay, yeah." Angel sighed and pulled Doyle closer. "Was that another wrong thing to do?"

"Where Wes is concerned, it's probably the best thing you could have done."

He had to think about that for a minute before he could figure out what Doyle was talking about. "Oh... you mean it showed I trust him."

"Yeah. Not that he said anything, mind you, but you could see the difference."

"Well... good." Angel relaxed a little bit more, his fingers giving Doyle's shoulder a quick squeeze. "So do you... you know... talk about me?"

"What do you think?" Doyle asked with a teasing smile.

"I think I shouldn't ask questions I don't want to know the answer to." But then, he kind of did want to know. Just, only if it was good stuff.

"It was nothing bad," Doyle assured him, in that uncanny way he had of almost reading Angel's mind.

"Uh huh. I'm sure you spent a lot of time talking about how I was such a good guy, walking out on you the way I did." Angel wasn't really upset -- he was more fishing for something that'd make him feel better, because God knew the last thing he wanted was to be imagining Doyle and Wes having some kind of conversation about how shitty he was.

Doyle kissed him gently. "We spent a lot of time talking about how you take things so much to heart and still think you have to shoulder all that hurt alone."

"You don't think I have the shoulders for it?" Angel asked, trying to keep his tone light.

"I think," Doyle leaned up on his elbows and looked directly in Angel's eyes, "that you forget that you have people who are willing and able to share the burden."

Angel's heart did something funny -- sank and lifted at the same time, maybe. "I'm just... I don't..." Jesus, this talking thing was gonna kill him. Um, again.

Doyle kissed him again. "I know. That's something we gotta be working on."

"Me being able to finish a sentence?" he asked ruefully.

"Sharing."

"Oh. Right." He found himself mesmerized by Doyle's eyes, reaching out to cup his face. "Don't suppose there's some kind of manual on that?"

"Not that I know of." Doyle leant into Angel's touch. "Maybe we can write one some day."

"I think that'd require knowing something about the subject," Angel pointed out. "That'd be more a 'you' kind of thing."

Doyle grinned. "Not when I get done with you."

"You have enough faith for both of us, don't you."

The grin faded into a much more serious look. "I do my best."

"Yeah -- you always do." Angel pulled him back down into an embrace. "One of the reasons I love you."

"See? We've already got you admitting that." Doyle's grin was back. "It's a good start."

Of course, none of it totally got rid of the vague feeling of terror that this was going to end badly, no matter how good the start was. But Angel figured he'd better keep his mouth shut about that. Time to change the subject. "So... did you go see the apartment?"

"Yeah."

More hesitant now, "What did you think?"

"That we should've had someone go and explain to Dennis what had happened before I walked in." Doyle grimaced. "He thought I was Cordelia at first."

"Shit," Angel said. "What happened?"

"Oh not much. I just had to dash his hopes into little bitty pieces."

"Poor guy. Um, can you call a ghost a 'guy'?" Belatedly, Angel realized that technically he wasn't even sure he could call *Doyle* a guy anymore. "Was he really upset?"

"He didn't throw dishes around or make the walls bleed, but yeah, he was upset." Doyle moved closer as he spoke. "To his credit, Dennis seemed happy to know I was back, but he really cared for Cordelia."

"Yeah. We all did." Angel sighed. "Do. You know."

"Yeah." He looked thoughtful. "Wonder if higher powers get days off. Maybe she could visit him."

That sounded okay, as long as there weren't any surprise visits when Angel was around. Although on the other hand, the fact that he was going to be looking at Doyle, who looked like Cordy, every day made it seem kind of stupid to be worried about her *actually* showing up. "The apartment okay though? I mean, other than the Dennis thing?"

"Pretty much. Looks just like it did when I was last there."

"Is that okay? Because we can change it around however you want. Redecorate."

"That would be pretty rude to Dennis, don't you think? It's his home, after all."

Angel shrugged a little bit. "Well... I guess you could see what he thought. Maybe he'd like a change. Not like he can go to the hardware store and buy paint, right?"

Doyle shrugged. "It's okay the way it is. Not like I'm going to be spending a lot of time there anyway." He paused and then looked up at Angel. "Am I?"

"Hey, it's totally up to you. As long as you have a place to go that's safe, in case something happened, I'm happy. You can let it collect dust bunnies for the next six months if you want, far as I'm concerned."

Angel could feel the tension drain out of Doyle. "Well, might have to stop by a bit more often than that, to visit Dennis," Doyle told him, "but I'm planning on sleeping here."

"Good." Angel kissed him, then reached for his hand and got up, pulling Doyle along with him gently. "Come over here and see the view -- it's incredible."

"I'd have to agree," Doyle said, but his eyes were focused solely on Angel.

Angel frowned. "No, I meant..." He turned Doyle around to face the windows, where they could both see the night lights of LA in all their glory. Moving behind Doyle, Angel wrapped his arms around him. "There. See?"

"That's nice too. But I think I like the one I was looking at before."

"Plenty of time for that," Angel said gruffly, touched and uncomfortable at the same time.

Doyle's hands ran lightly over Angel's arms where they encircled him. "Can we leave the blinds open?"

"Sure." The response was so automatic that it took him a minute to realize what they were talking about. "Um, you mean for now, right?"

"And for the morning."

"But..." Angel tightened his grip on Doyle. "Yeah. Okay."

Doyle turned in his arms to face him. "So what can I give you as positive reinforcement?"

He hugged Doyle close, only partially because it was easier than looking him in the eye. "Distract me when the sun comes up?"

"Can do that." He heard the grin in Doyle's voice. "Could do some distracting now too if you'd like."

Angel slid a hand down to Doyle's ass and caressed it, unable to stop himself from grinning. "Were you always like this?"

"Like what? Horny? Well... yeah."

Angel's grin widened. "Damn. Just think of all the sex we missed out on."

"Guess that means we have a lot to make up."

"Guess it does." Jeez, he'd gone too long without this -- without the touching, the heat. "God you feel good."

"You're not so bad yourself." Doyle's grin turned truly wicked as he dropped to his knees in front of Angel.

Angel closed his eyes and let his head tilt back slightly, waiting for Doyle to touch him.

But Doyle didn't touch him right away; instead he leaned in and breathed warm air over Angel's cock.

*That* made him twitch. "Do that again."

"What, breathing?" Doyle asked, the air formed around the words trailing over Angel again.

He swallowed heavily. "Yeah. That."

"I can keep doing that for a while then."

"You'd better," Angel said, meaning breathing in general and not just the sex thing. Although that was good too.

Doyle grinned up at him. "Going all forceful on me, are ya?"

"Do I need to?"

"Depends," Doyle said, cocking his head to the side as he regarded Angel thoughtfully, all the while making sure every exhalation of air brushed over Angel's skin.

Angel shivered. "Depends on what?" he asked, trying to stay focused.

"On what kind of games we're going to play. You going to go all broody on me later if I let you go all forceful now?"

Oh, right. They really were talking about sex. "I would have thought that fucking you up against the wall and then, you know..." Angel reached out and brushed the tip of one finger gently over the mark on Doyle's throat. "Would have been enough forceful for you."

Doyle grinned. "It's a good start."

Angel was starting to wonder if Doyle was just teasing him. "Are you serious?"

"That was one of the hottest things it's ever been my pleasure to experience," Doyle replied enthusiastically.

"No, I'm not saying it wasn't good..." Jesus, should they really be having this conversation with Doyle still on his knees? "I just mean... it shouldn't go any further than that. Right?"

Doyle considered. "Depends on what you mean by going any further. I don't mind a few power games; you want to get a little rough or a little demanding, I can get behind that." The grin was back. "Might just turn the tables on you some day too."

"I'll bet you'd like to," Angel said, raising his eyebrows.

"Wouldn't say no," Doyle agreed. "But, give me a bit more time to get used to the new model I'm driving."

"Happy to help." Angel glanced from Doyle's mouth to his own erection meaningfully.

"You want me to do something more than breathe on ya, now?"

Angel traced Doyle's bottom lip with his thumb. "Wouldn't say no," he echoed.

With another wicked grin, Doyle leaned forward and slowly slid Angel's cock all the way into his mouth.

Angel groaned and let his head tip back again. The heat of Doyle's mouth... the way his tongue slid across already-sensitized skin... "Why did you think you needed more time to get used to this body?" he asked faintly.

Doyle didn't answer, his mouth being full. Instead he slowly began to bob his head, sliding his lips up and down Angel's length.

Almost unable to help himself, Angel curled one hand around the back of Doyle's head, not really holding him there, just... encouraging. The next time Doyle moved forward, Angel thrust, just a little bit. He felt hypnotized at the sight of Doyle sucking him off, drugged with the unreality of it. Little too much unreality. "Look at me," he said.

Green eyes immediately flicked upwards to meet his own, though Doyle didn't stop moving.

"Doyle," Angel said shakily, reassurance to both of them in one word, and thrust again to meet Doyle's movement, still a bit hesitant. Controlled.

Doyle encouraged him with his gaze, and with his mouth.

But he wanted to fuck Doyle hard -- harder than he could fuck his mouth without hurting him. Angel slid his fingers into Doyle's hair, stopping him, and then pulled back and dropped to his own knees. Kissed Doyle like a drowning man gasping for air, all lips and tongue and teeth.

Doyle kissed him back with just as much abandon, bracing himself on Angel's shoulders as Angel ravished his mouth.

Still kissing, Angel reached down and slid two fingers in between Doyle's legs, where everything was still slick and wet from before, then let one finger trail back even further, into territory he'd barely even thought about exploring yet. "Love you," he said against Doyle's lips.

"Love you too," Doyle murmured, shifting so he was pushing into Angel's touch.

"Want you." God, did he. Wanted to just get inside all that heat and never come out.

"I'm right here," Doyle replied, kissing Angel again. "Think it's safe to say ya got me."

Angel closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of Doyle's hands on his shoulders seeping in. "I love you," he repeated, then pushed Doyle back onto the floor and slid inside him.

"Yeah," Doyle gasped, his grip tightening on Angel's shoulders. "I'm getting that impression."

He pulled back and thrust in again slowly, drawing it out. The light from the table lamp near the bed fell across Doyle's face, highlighting the now-short wisps of hair and their new color. With his weight resting on his forearm, Angel moved back, not thrusting in, just waiting. Looking at Doyle. It felt like he'd never get enough of looking at him.

Doyle looked back, green eyes serious, until he grinned suddenly. "Angel?"

"Yeah?" Angel's other hand was holding onto Doyle's hip, just lightly, thumb tracing over the skin.

"Your attention seems to be wandering."

Angel grinned. "Guess I got distracted."

"When you're in the middle of fucking me?" Doyle's eyes sparkled with humor. "I think I should be insulted."

"You're all kinds of things that start with 'I', aren't you. Incorrigible... impatient..." Still, Angel pushed in again, slowly.

"Incredible... irreplaceable..." Doyle added.

"Now you're just showing off," Angel said, thrusting in harder.

Doyle gasped a little. "Hey, when you got it, flaunt it, right?"

Angel pushed deeper, rocking his hips. "You've definitely got it."

"Yeah." Doyle's voice was getting a little breathless. "I do now. Got you."

God, Doyle felt so *good* and the way his accent put a lilt to his words was just... familiar. Probably another reason why being with him felt right. Angel leaned down and licked one of Doyle's nipples, then scraped across it with his teeth. "Is it cheating if I use your own words back at you?"

"Depends on the words."

"Incredible?" Angel murmured, continuing to thrust. "Because you are."

"Oh." Doyle pretended to think about it, the pretense marred by his obvious enjoyment of what Angel was doing. "That's okay then."

"And irreplaceable... that's a good one too."

"Does have ...a nice ring to it."

"Yeah, but if we're going for *sounds,* I'd rather hear," Angel thrust at a slightly different angle and grinned as Doyle obligingly made a high pitched noise, "that one."

"Those ya have to earn," Doyle gasped out as Angel thrust again, which caused his 'earn' to spiral up into that noise again.

Angel could feel his balls tightening and tried to slow down his movements, wanting to prolong being inside Doyle as long as he could. "*God* you feel good."

"Yeah, I do." Doyle grinned even as he gasped out again. "'Specially when ya do *that*."

"Don't wanna stop," Angel said, mostly to himself. "Just... another minute..."

Doyle arched up and gave a soft moan. "Love you..."

Or maybe not even another minute, because feeling Doyle's body arch under his shot Angel's control all to hell. He thrust jerkily, at this point thinking he'd be lucky to hold off for another few seconds. "God... Doyle..."

Sliding a hand up to touch Angel's face gently, Doyle bade, "Let go, Angel. I wanna feel you come."

Angel did. It roared through him, vamp face and orgasm in one like a fist to his gut, leaving him panting and wrung out, though his hips continued to move throughout it. "Doyle," he heard himself say again. "God."

"Not quite." Doyle grinned at him. "Though I do have friends in high places."

He would have chuckled if he'd had more energy. "This can't be real."

"Seems pretty real to me." Doyle gave the chuckle that Angel hadn't. "Although, I gotta admit, when looked at objectively it does sound like one of us is crazy and seein' things. Not that seeing things is anything new to me either..."

Angel pushed himself up into a position where he could look at Doyle's face more easily. "Yeah. You worried about it?"

Doyle seemed to take a moment to seriously consider the question. "No," he finally said, sounding half-surprised at his own answer. "The visions were never fun, but more good than bad came outta them. And... they're familiar."

And they were one more thing that tied the two of them together, the same way they'd been before Doyle died. The same way he and Cordy'd been connected. Angel leaned in and kissed Doyle. "Familiar isn't always a good thing. Not that I'm saying the visions are bad, just... you know."

Doyle was regarding him thoughtfully. "I'm not sure I do know."

"They're... another... thing between us," Angel said, trying to explain what he meant without actually saying what he was thinking.

"I'm not seeing where that's a bad thing."

"I didn't say it was bad." Actually he'd already forgotten what he'd said, and had to hope for the best. "Just that it's, you know."

"Another thing between us," Doyle repeated his own words back to him. "And I think that's solely of the good. But you don't."

Angel sighed and moved off of Doyle, reaching over to pull a blanket down from the bed and offering it to Doyle. "I just mean... it's another place where you don't get a choice."

Doyle took the blanket but also moved close to Angel again. "But I did get a choice."

"Well, yeah, in taking them back." If nothing else, Angel was determined to make it through this conversation without getting up and walking away, so he leaned back against the box spring and made a sort of 'come here' gesture with his hand.

"See?" Doyle willingly moved to curl up half against Angel, half in Angel's lap. "I was given a choice and I chose the visions." He nuzzled lazily at Angel's jaw. "I chose you."

"I know," Angel said, tilting his head to catch Doyle's mouth in a slow kiss. "Don't think I'm not grateful."

"Yeah," Doyle said with that slow grin of his, "I keep getting that impression."

Angel tried to think of a way to say the next bit without getting himself into trouble. "Well... I just want you to know that some choices aren't ones you're stuck with." Okay, that wasn't any good. Quickly, he added, "I don't mean the visions, and I don't mean me. Just... you've still got options, you know?"

"Angel." Doyle pulled back and sat up enough to meet Angel's eyes seriously. "I don't need other options. Not where you're concerned."

Angel sighed. "See, that's not what I meant. I just want to make sure you know that there's more here than just me and the visions. This..." He waved around the room a little. "This isn't your life. You know?"

"No, there's always fighting the good fight too." Doyle started to smile but it faded before it fully formed. "Unless... you're not telling me that you don't want me to be involved?"

"No. I mean, sure I don't want you jumping into anything before you've had a chance to get used to the new you. But I don't want you thinking it's all there is. You can do... pretty much anything. Whatever will make you happy."

"So if I said that being with you in the biblical sense and fighting alongside you made me happy...?"

"Then that's what you do." Angel adjusted the blanket around Doyle's shoulders.

Doyle snuggled closer and they sat that way for a while. "Angel?" Doyle finally asked.

"Yeah?"

"You got a real nice bed here. Ya think maybe we could use it?"

Angel pressed a quick kiss to Doyle's temple, then scooped him up and set him on the bed, climbing in next to him and pulling up the sheets. And okay, the blanket was kind of tangled around them, but he didn't care. "Don't tell me I wore you out?" he teased.

"Wouldn't go that far." Doyle snuggled closer with a contented sigh. "But there might be some basking going on right now."

"I can do basking," Angel said, aware that maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration.

Doyle snorted. "Prove it."

Angel thought about that one long and hard, and eventually had to admit, "Okay, you win."

Chuckling, Doyle shifted enough to kiss him. "Basking is like brooding, only with less angst."

Letting his lips trail over the soft skin of Doyle's neck, Angel asked, "Is there some operation where you can get that removed?"

"It's more a behavioral modification treatment, I think."

"Yeah but those take so much time," Angel complained good-naturedly. "What about a pill?"

"Nope." Doyle put on a very unconvincing expression of commiseration. "Sorry."

"I always thought those behavior modification things required, you know, shock treatment or something."

Doyle pretended to consider. "I think sex treatment might be more effective in this case."

"You're going to fuck the angst out of me?"

The grin he got was positively wicked. "Thought I might try, yeah."

"Hope you're prepared for it to be a long job," Angel said. "Could take years."

Doyle sighed theatrically. "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it."

"Actually no... but if someone's going to, you're the one I want," Angel said, with complete honesty.

He got a look from Doyle then that took his breath away with its honesty and love. "Good."

"Yeah," Angel said. "Yeah, it is." Suddenly remembering, he slipped his arm from underneath Doyle and sat up. "Hang on a minute -- I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."

Doyle gave him a puzzled look but let him go readily enough.

Quickly, Angel returned to the living room, where he picked up the satchel that he'd given Doyle earlier. "Here," he said, going back into the bedroom and setting the leather bag down on Doyle's lap. "You forgot something."

"Y'know, somehow Angel I don't think I'm going to be needing that for basking," Doyle teased, even as his fingers closed around the satchel, stroking the smooth leather it was made from.

Angel climbed back onto the bed, sliding down beneath the sheets. "Open it."

Giving Angel a curious look, Doyle obeyed.

"If you don't like any of it, we can take it back," Angel said, unable to keep his mouth shut even though that probably would have been the better thing to do. "Well, most of it."

Doyle pulled out the phone first. "They just keep making these things smaller and smaller, don't they?" he commented with a smile.

"That's so, you know, I can call you," Angel said. "Or you can call me. Even if you're out."

"You carry a cell now?" Doyle asked, his smile turning delighted and teasing. "We'll get you into the 21st century yet, man."

"Sometimes I even remember to turn it on," Angel said, propping his head up on his hand.

"It's probably too much to hope for that you know how to retrieve your voice mail."

"That's what I have Harmony for. She screws it up just as often as I do, but I get to blame her. Everyone wins." Angel considered that. "Well, you know, everyone who's *me.*"

"So what you're saying," Doyle began, "is that if I ever feel the need to leave you dirty messages on your phone, you won't hear them, but your secretary will?"

"Maybe," Angel admitted. "And since she actually went to high school with Cordy, that could turn into a whole can of worms we don't even want to think about opening. I think you'd better stick to dirty email. Or just wait until you've actually got me on the phone."

"Ya better remember to turn it on then," Doyle said leaning in close. "Or I just might be tempted to leave that message."

Angel leaned in close too, until their noses were almost touching. "You," he said slowly, "are a troublemaker." And he kissed Doyle, one long slow kiss that ended with a smirk. "You're not done yet."

"Causing trouble? You're right about that -- I'm never done." He leaned in to kiss Angel again.

"I meant with your presents," Angel said.

"More?" Doyle half laughed.

"It's all stuff you need," Angel protested, watching as Doyle looked into the satchel again and brought out the Palm Pilot thing that everyone at Wolfram and Hart seemed to have. "Gunn calls it a BlackBerry," he said. "I'm kind of hoping that once you figure out how to use it, you can show me how to use mine."

"So I can send you dirty email messages without having to go through Harmony." Doyle fiddled with it for a minute then looked up with a wide smile. "Thanks, man. You didn't have to go with all the presents to get me to forgive you, but I'm not giving them back."

"It wasn't because I wanted you to forgive me. Well okay, maybe partially that, but... I want you to have stuff. You know?" Angel was starting to wonder if he should mention that there was still a thick manila envelope in there.

Doyle chuckled. "So what you're saying is you want me to be your kept woman?" he asked with a big delighted smile.

Angel smiled back uncertainly. "No?"

"Relax, Angel. You're not offending me. Though I gotta say that for some reason that never made it onto any lists of possible jobs, even if you ignore the whole gender thing."

Now he was definitely having second thoughts about the contents of that envelope. "Here," he said, reaching for the satchel. "Let me just get that out of your way..."

Doyle pulled it out of his reach, looking at him hard for half a moment. Then he was digging inside it again and coming out with the envelope. "Change your mind about this?" he asked all too knowing. "Or did you just forget about it?"

"If you don't want it... I mean, if it's not okay..." Angel was more worried about the credit card that was in there, in Doyle's name, than he was about the other stuff.

"Relax." Doyle leaned over and kissed him, making a thorough job of it. "I've liked everything else so far, haven't I?"

Angel stole another kiss, drawing it out even longer than the previous one and sliding a hand down to Doyle's waist. Not because he was trying to postpone the inevitable though. Nope, not at all.

The credit card fell out first and Doyle picked it up and looked at it. "A. F. Doyle," he said, smiling as he traced the name on the card with a finger. "My first piece of ID."

"It's on my account," Angel said apologetically, relieved that Doyle didn't seem to be taking it the wrong way. "But we can get you set up with your own if you want, once you have a driver's license and stuff."

"Nah, I like the idea of having a joint account." He shot a wicked grin Angel's way. "And spending the formerly evil law firm's money."

"Hey... once it's in my account, it's *my* money," Angel protested mildly. "Well, you know... *our* money."

"Okay, helping you spend the formerly evil law firm's money if we're going to get all technical about it." Doyle ran his fingers over the name again. "I'll put my contribution into the pot as well, eventually."

"I know." Angel cleared his throat. "So anyway, about this last thing..."

"There's more?" Doyle asked, disbelieving laughter in his voice. "I gotta hand it to you Angel, when you put your mind to something, you go all out."

"This one's kind of for me too," Angel said, pulling his hand back and fiddling with a fold of sheet. "Just... well, look at it and then tell me what you think. Okay?"

Doyle turned back to the envelope and pulled out the brochure and itinerary. He got very still and quiet as he read it.

Angel waited, but it was too hard not to say anything. "If you don't want to... that's okay. It's fine. I mean, it was just an idea."

"You actually listened to me," Doyle said softly, a ghost of that same laughter hiding under his words.

Angel kept his eyes on the twisted bit of sheet held in his hand.

Doyle looked up then and there was something in his eyes, his expression, that Angel couldn't quite identify. He didn't think it was anything bad though. Especially when Doyle's next words were, "When can we leave?"

"Whenever you want," Angel said. "I was actually thinking Monday night, maybe? I have some meetings and stuff on Monday that would be hard to reschedule on such short notice, and I... well, I don't want to dump it all in Wesley's lap."

"Right. Good move, by the way. You leaving Wesley in charge can only help things between you."

"You think? I mean, yeah, but I don't want to overwhelm him." Angel reached out and ran a hand along Doyle's sheet-covered thigh. "So... you really want to go?"

"I've only been talking about us going on a vacation since before I got a body back. Of course I want to go."

Angel felt a wide smile spread across his face -- couldn't help it, didn't want to. Even if the thought of taking off made him feel guilty, the idea of spending two weeks alone with Doyle -- no one to interrupt them, no stress, just taking a break from the real world -- was almost painfully wonderful. "If you want it, it's yours," he said. "Anything."

Doyle turned onto his side facing him, reaching out to run the hand not holding onto the trip itinerary to touch Angel's cheek. "I want you," he said simply.

"You've already got me," Angel said, turning his face and kissing Doyle's palm.

"Good." And Doyle sealed that declaration with a kiss.


	26. Chapter 26

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

Sorry I haven't checked in before now -- Doyle kept saying that I should give it a few days, kind of try to go cold turkey on the being in touch with the office thing, so I tried. Hey, almost three days, that's pretty good, right? And anyway, you know how to find me if anything comes up.

Things are good. We're spending a lot of time in bed... um, by which I meant sleeping. Honest. Doyle read some article that said it can take days to catch up on lost sleep, and there's something about being here that makes it easier to sleep. Maybe it's the fresh air, or just knowing that I don't have anywhere in particular to be. It's... kind of soothing.

How are things at the office? You okay?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wes

Hello Angel,

> Sorry I haven't checked in before now -- Doyle kept saying that I  
should give it a few days, kind of try to go cold turkey on the being  
in touch with the office thing, so I tried. Hey, almost three days,  
that's pretty good, right? And anyway, you know how to find me if  
anything comes up.

I do. But nothing's come up that I haven't been able to handle.

> Things are good. We're spending a lot of time in bed... um, by which I  
meant sleeping. Honest. Doyle read some article that said it can take  
days to catch up on lost sleep, and there's something about being here  
that makes it easier to sleep. Maybe it's the fresh air, or just  
knowing that I don't have anywhere in particular to be. It's... kind of  
soothing.

That's good. That's part of what vacations are supposed to be about.

Or so I've been told. I think I have nearly as little experience with them as you do.

> How are things at the office? You okay?

Things are fine. Nothing big has come up, just the usual day to day stuff. I've been able to handle it all, so you don't have to worry.

Have a good time,

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wes

Just thought I'd drop a quick line to make sure you're doing okay with everything since I dragged Angel off on vacation -- or he dragged me, there's a bit of an argument over that point. Not working too hard?

Vacation's going good. This place is ridiculously luxurious -- seems to be some advantages to working for a formerly evil law firm -- or sleeping with a formerly evil law firm's CEO. You get all those money is no object perks.

And wonder of wonders, I've actually seemed to have got Angel to loosen up and enjoy himself some. Took some fast talking at first, had to make up some studies and magazine articles to back up my points, but I think I might actually be succeeding in getting him to relax.

Which probably is a sign of impending apocalypse but nowadays, what isn't?

I'm doing okay myself though there's nothing that drives home the fact of the whole body change like wearing a bikini. Being *naked* doesn't feel as girlie (womanly?) as wearing a bikini. Haven't actually made it out in public in it yet, just by the private pool where we're staying so at least the only staring I've had to deal with is Angel's. And my own when I look in the mirror, but that's a whole different thing.

Speaking of Angel, I hear him calling, something about a gourmet dinner so I better go.

I'll keep you posted. Don't work too hard. :)

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> Just thought I'd drop a quick line to make sure you're doing okay with  
everything since I dragged Angel off on vacation -- or he dragged me, there's a  
bit of an argument over that point. Not working too hard?

No, not at all. Everything's under control.

> Vacation's going good. This place is ridiculously luxurious -- seems to be some  
advantages to working for a formerly evil law firm -- or sleeping with a  
formerly evil law firm's CEO. You get all those money is no object perks.

And wonder of wonders, I've actually seemed to have got Angel to loosen up and  
enjoy himself some. Took some fast talking at first, had to make up some studies  
and magazine articles to back up my points, but I think I might actually be  
succeeding in getting him to relax.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourselves.

> Which probably is a sign of impending apocalypse but nowadays, what isn't?

I'm doing okay myself though there's nothing that drives home the fact of the  
whole body change like wearing a bikini. Being *naked* doesn't feel as girlie  
(womanly?) as wearing a bikini. Haven't actually made it out in public in it  
yet, just by the private pool where we're staying so at least the only staring  
I've had to deal with is Angel's. And my own when I look in the mirror, but  
that's a whole different thing.

I'm sure it's a very big adjustment, but I have faith in your ability to make it.

> Speaking of Angel, I hear him calling, something about a gourmet dinner so I  
better go.

I'll keep you posted. Don't work too hard. :)

I won't -- so far everything has been very day to day. Please make sure that Angel knows I'm taking care of everything.

Have a good time.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > Sorry I haven't checked in before now -- Doyle kept saying that I  
should give it a few days, kind of try to go cold turkey on the being  
in touch with the office thing, so I tried. Hey, almost three days,  
that's pretty good, right? And anyway, you know how to find me if  
anything comes up.

> I do. But nothing's come up that I haven't been able to handle.

Oh, I know. I wouldn't have left you in charge if I didn't think you could handle it. And I really, really appreciate your being willing to take over so that I could get away. It means a lot to Doyle. To me, too.

> > Things are good. We're spending a lot of time in bed... um, by which I  
meant sleeping. Honest. Doyle read some article that said it can take  
days to catch up on lost sleep, and there's something about being here  
that makes it easier to sleep. Maybe it's the fresh air, or just  
knowing that I don't have anywhere in particular to be. It's... kind of  
soothing.

> That's good. That's part of what vacations are supposed to be about.

Or so I've been told. I think I have nearly as little experience with them as  
you do.

We'll have to do something about that. Maybe you can take one when Doyle and I get back? You could even borrow the jet so you don't have to deal with the regular airport stuff. What do you think?

> > How are things at the office? You okay?

> Things are fine. Nothing big has come up, just the usual day to day stuff. I've  
been able to handle it all, so you don't have to worry.

I'm not worried. And you didn't answer the second question... how are *you*?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > I do. But nothing's come up that I haven't been able to handle.

> Oh, I know. I wouldn't have left you in charge if I didn't think you  
could handle it. And I really, really appreciate your being willing to  
take over so that I could get away. It means a lot to Doyle. To me, too.

You both deserve a break. I am glad to be able to help.

> > That's good. That's part of what vacations are supposed to be about.

Or so I've been told. I think I have nearly as little experience with  
them as you do.

> We'll have to do something about that. Maybe you can take one when  
Doyle and I get back? You could even borrow the jet so you don't have  
to deal with the regular airport stuff. What do you think?

I think I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Besides, I think it would be rather... lonely.

> I'm not worried. And you didn't answer the second question... how are  
*you*?

I'm fine. Truly.

Just... never mind. It's not important.

You concentrate on your vacation.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > Oh, I know. I wouldn't have left you in charge if I didn't think you  
could handle it. And I really, really appreciate your being willing to  
take over so that I could get away. It means a lot to Doyle. To me, too.

> You both deserve a break. I am glad to be able to help. 

Well, once we get back we'll figure out something so that you can have a break too. You deserve one just as much.

> > We'll have to do something about that. Maybe you can take one when  
Doyle and I get back? You could even borrow the jet so you don't have  
to deal with the regular airport stuff. What do you think?

> I think I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Besides, I think it would be rather... lonely.

You could take someone with you. What about Gunn?

> > I'm not worried. And you didn't answer the second question... how are  
*you*?

> I'm fine. Truly.

Just... never mind. It's not important.

You concentrate on your vacation.

If there's something wrong, it's important to me. Tell me?

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wes

> > Not working too hard?

> No, not at all. Everything's under control.

Good to hear. It took me a couple of days to convince Angel that the world hadn't started to end the second he stepped on the jet.

Not that he doesn't trust you to handle everything; he just sometimes has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

As I'm sure you've noticed.

> I'm glad you're enjoying yourselves. 

We are. I think this is something we both needed -- a chance to get away from everything so we could adjust to... everything.

Also, there's fewer places for Angel to run to.

> > I'm doing okay myself though there's nothing that drives home the fact of the  
whole body change like wearing a bikini. Being *naked* doesn't feel as girlie  
(womanly?) as wearing a bikini. Haven't actually made it out in public in it  
yet, just by the private pool where we're staying so at least the only staring  
I've had to deal with is Angel's. And my own when I look in the mirror, but  
that's a whole different thing.

> I'm sure it's a very big adjustment, but I have faith in your ability  
to make it.

I'm hanging in there.

> > Speaking of Angel, I hear him calling, something about a gourmet dinner so I  
better go.

I'll keep you posted. Don't work too hard. :)

> I won't -- so far everything has been very day to day. Please make sure  
that Angel knows I'm taking care of everything.

He knows, Wesley. There was no way he would've budged from that building if he didn't have complete confidence in you.

> Have a good time.

So far, so good.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > Not working too hard?

> > No, not at all. Everything's under control.

> Good to hear. It took me a couple of days to convince Angel that the world  
hadn't started to end the second he stepped on the jet.

Not that he doesn't trust you to handle everything; he just sometimes has an  
overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

As I'm sure you've noticed.

He really does deserve this vacation. You'll have to do your best to distract him.

> > I'm glad you're enjoying yourselves.

> We are. I think this is something we both needed -- a chance to get away from  
everything so we could adjust to... everything.

Also, there's fewer places for Angel to run to.

I'm sure that's an enormous benefit.

> > I'm sure it's a very big adjustment, but I have faith in your ability  
to make it.

> I'm hanging in there.

Good. I'm sure there's not much I can do to help, but remember that I'm willing if you can think of anything.

> > I won't -- so far everything has been very day to day. Please make sure  
that Angel knows I'm taking care of everything.

> He knows, Wesley. There was no way he would've budged from that building if he  
didn't have complete confidence in you.

Do me a favor? Reassure him that I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about.

Thank you.

\- Wesley

__________

To Angel  
From Wesley

> > You both deserve a break. I am glad to be able to help.

> Well, once we get back we'll figure out something so that you can have  
a break too. You deserve one just as much.

Somehow I am fairly sure any such break would not be as... rejuvenating as yours and Doyle's.

> > > We'll have to do something about that. Maybe you can take one when  
Doyle and I get back? You could even borrow the jet so you don't have  
to deal with the regular airport stuff. What do you think?

> > I think I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Besides, I think it would be rather... lonely.

> You could take someone with you. What about Gunn?

I doubt he would be much enthused about going away with me. Friends though we may be, I am very much not his type.

> > I'm fine. Truly.

Just... never mind. It's not important.

You concentrate on your vacation.

> If there's something wrong, it's important to me. Tell me?

It's nothing serious, really.

Just... I miss you.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > Well, once we get back we'll figure out something so that you can have  
a break too. You deserve one just as much. 

> Somehow I am fairly sure any such break would not be as... rejuvenating as yours  
and Doyle's.

There must be something. We'll figure it out.

> > > I think I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Besides, I think it would be rather... lonely.

> > You could take someone with you. What about Gunn?

> I doubt he would be much enthused about going away with me. Friends though we  
may be, I am very much not his type.

You guys used to hang out and do stuff though. Maybe you're not giving him the benefit of the doubt?

Besides, it's not like you have to *do* anything on vacation. Doyle's teaching me that. Half the time we just sit around and don't do anything at all.

> > > I'm fine. Truly.

Just... never mind. It's not important.

You concentrate on your vacation.

> > If there's something wrong, it's important to me. Tell me?

> It's nothing serious, really.

Just... I miss you.

Oh.

Yeah -- I miss you too. I've been trying not to think about it, because, you know, I kind of thought you were probably glad to get some space. From me. I know there's a lot of stuff to work through still...

\- Angel

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

 

Hi Wes

> > Good to hear. It took me a couple of days to convince Angel that the  
world hadn't started to end the second he stepped on the jet.

Not that he doesn't trust you to handle everything; he just sometimes  
has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

As I'm sure you've noticed.

> He really does deserve this vacation. You'll have to do your best to  
distract him.

Oh believe me I am. And my best, if I may say so myself, is turning out to be very, very good.

And sometimes it even involves things that I could talk about in mixed company. ;)

> > Also, there's fewer places for Angel to run to.

> I'm sure that's an enormous benefit.

From my point of view it is. He's actually complained about it though. I think he even pouted. Not that he'd ever admit to that. Pouting I mean.

Apparently 250 year old vampires with souls don't pout.

I guess that when you can't see yourself in a mirror, you can sell yourself those kinds of delusions.

> > I'm hanging in there.

> Good. I'm sure there's not much I can do to help, but remember that I'm  
willing if you can think of anything.

I know. That means a lot, Wes. I hope you know that.

> Do me a favor? Reassure him that I'm fine. There's nothing to worry  
about.

I will. But while I'm doing that, you want to tell me why Angel thinks that he needs to worry?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > He really does deserve this vacation. You'll have to do your best to  
distract him.

> Oh believe me I am. And my best, if I may say so myself, is turning out to be  
very, very good.

And sometimes it even involves things that I could talk about in mixed company.  
;)

Yes, I'm sure. Angel mentioned something about sitting about doing nothing, so unless his definition of the word 'nothing' is vastly different than mine, I'd assume you could share tales of your sitting about with anyone you cared to.

You've been very good for him -- I can see it.

> From my point of view it is. He's actually complained about it though. I think  
he even pouted. Not that he'd ever admit to that. Pouting I mean.

Apparently 250 year old vampires with souls don't pout.

I guess that when you can't see yourself in a mirror, you can sell yourself  
those kinds of delusions.

I suppose that's true.

> > Do me a favor? Reassure him that I'm fine. There's nothing to worry  
about.

> I will. But while I'm doing that, you want to tell me why Angel thinks that he  
needs to worry?

It's... difficult. I hadn't realized until the two of you left how hard it must have been on Angel, being the only one who knew the truth of what had really happened. The only one who remembered...

But I'm fine. I've just gained a new perspective.

Take care.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > > Well, once we get back we'll figure out something so that you can have  
a break too. You deserve one just as much.

> > Somehow I am fairly sure any such break would not be as... rejuvenating as yours  
and Doyle's.

> There must be something. We'll figure it out.

Really, at the moment I'm not sure I would know what to do with more time off than it takes for an evening of beer and darts at the pub.

> > > You could take someone with you. What about Gunn?

> > I doubt he would be much enthused about going away with me. Friends  
though we may be, I am very much not his type.

> You guys used to hang out and do stuff though. Maybe you're not giving  
him the benefit of the doubt?

Generally though, you do not ask someone with whom you "hang out and do stuff" to go away with you. Usually it is someone with whom you do significantly more intimate things.

Gunn and I are indeed friends, which is why I am fairly certain that the thought of doing those kinds of things with me has never once crossed his mind.

> Besides, it's not like you have to *do* anything on vacation. Doyle's  
teaching me that. Half the time we just sit around and don't do  
anything at all.

I'm assuming this isn't in a dark room somewhere because that then would sound very much like brooding.

> > > If there's something wrong, it's important to me. Tell me?

> > It's nothing serious, really.

Just... I miss you.

> Oh.

Yeah -- I miss you too. I've been trying not to think about it, because, you know,  
I kind of thought you were probably glad to get some space. From me. I know  
there's a lot of stuff to work through still...

There is, yes. But I find I've had my fill of space for now and would rather work on working stuff out.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > > Somehow I am fairly sure any such break would not be as... rejuvenating as yours  
and Doyle's.

> > There must be something. We'll figure it out.

> Really, at the moment I'm not sure I would know what to do with more time off  
than it takes for an evening of beer and darts at the pub.

Well we could do that, right? Once me and Doyle get back, I mean. As long as you don't mind that I suck at darts.

> > You guys used to hang out and do stuff though. Maybe you're not giving  
him the benefit of the doubt?

> Generally though, you do not ask someone with whom you "hang out and do stuff"  
to go away with you. Usually it is someone with whom you do significantly more  
intimate things.

Gunn and I are indeed friends, which is why I am fairly certain that the thought  
of doing those kinds of things with me has never once crossed his mind.

Okay, fair enough. What if a bunch of us went away for a weekend or something?

> > Besides, it's not like you have to *do* anything on vacation. Doyle's  
teaching me that. Half the time we just sit around and don't do  
anything at all.

> I'm assuming this isn't in a dark room somewhere because that then would sound  
very much like brooding. 

No, no dark rooms. Well, unless you count the whole no-sunshine thing. Which I feel kind of guilty about actually -- depriving Doyle of it, I mean. He should be able to spend afternoons by the pool, but instead he's in the house with me until after the sun sets. Don't get me wrong, I've tried convincing him that it's okay with me if we're not always, you know, in the same room or whatever, but he says that's what this vacation is for.

Still, maybe when we get back you and he can do some normal stuff. Non-vampire stuff.

> > Yeah -- I miss you too. I've been trying not to think about it,  
because, you know, I kind of thought you were probably glad to get some  
space. From me. I know there's a lot of stuff to work through still...

> There is, yes. But I find I've had my fill of space for now and would rather  
work on working stuff out.

I get that.

So... should we talk about something? One of those things we need to work on, I mean?

\- Angel

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

Hi Wes,

> > Oh believe me I am. And my best, if I may say so myself, is turning out to be  
very, very good.

And sometimes it even involves things that I could talk about in mixed  
company.  
;)

> Yes, I'm sure. Angel mentioned something about sitting about doing  
nothing, so unless his definition of the word 'nothing' is vastly  
different than mine, I'd assume you could share tales of your sitting  
about with anyone you cared to.

Well some of them maybe. Depends on where and how we're sitting. As well as how much we're wearing -- or not -- at any given time.

> You've been very good for him -- I can see it. 

Thanks. I hope so. I think so most of the time, but a guy wonders occasionally.

I suppose that should be "a girl wonders," huh?

> > Apparently 250 year old vampires with souls don't pout.

I guess that when you can't see yourself in a mirror, you can sell yourself  
those kinds of delusions.

> I suppose that's true.

It would certainly explain the hair.

> It's... difficult. I hadn't realized until the two of you left how hard  
it must have been on Angel, being the only one who knew the truth of  
what had really happened. The only one who remembered...

Ah. Well you know you can talk to me about that -- or anything -- whenever you need to. Just because we're on vacation doesn't mean we're out of touch.

This email being a case in point.

> But I'm fine. I've just gained a new perspective.

Those can be quite vertigo inducing I've found at times.

I'm here if you want to talk.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > Yes, I'm sure. Angel mentioned something about sitting about doing  
nothing, so unless his definition of the word 'nothing' is vastly  
different than mine, I'd assume you could share tales of your sitting  
about with anyone you cared to.

> Well some of them maybe. Depends on where and how we're sitting. As well as how  
much we're wearing -- or not -- at any given time.

That might be getting into a bit more detail than I care to have you share. Not what you've just said, you understand, but... what you're hinting at. Just to let you know.

> > You've been very good for him -- I can see it.

> Thanks. I hope so. I think so most of the time, but a guy wonders occasionally.

I suppose that should be "a girl wonders," huh?

You can define your gender however you choose -- it's entirely up to you. I know that Angel and I, at the very least, will respect whatever decision you make.

> > > I guess that when you can't see yourself in a mirror, you can sell  
yourself those kinds of delusions.

> > I suppose that's true.

> It would certainly explain the hair.

Yes, very funny.

Really. I'm smiling.

> > It's... difficult. I hadn't realized until the two of you left how hard  
it must have been on Angel, being the only one who knew the truth of  
what had really happened. The only one who remembered...

> Ah. Well you know you can talk to me about that -- or anything -- whenever you  
need to. Just because we're on vacation doesn't mean we're out of touch.

This email being a case in point.

I know. Angel and I are talking as well, and it's not as if you're going to be gone forever.

> > But I'm fine. I've just gained a new perspective.

> Those can be quite vertigo inducing I've found at times.

I'm here if you want to talk.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I just don't know what to say.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > Really, at the moment I'm not sure I would know what to do with more  
time off  
than it takes for an evening of beer and darts at the pub.

> Well we could do that, right? Once me and Doyle get back, I mean. As  
long as you don't mind that I suck at darts.

I would like that.

Sucking at darts isn't an issue -- I'll just make sure we play for money.

> Okay, fair enough. What if a bunch of us went away for a weekend or  
something?

With our track record trying to do things as a group, we'd probably be attacked by a ravening horde of demons.

It's a nice thought however. The going away, not the ravening hordes.

> No, no dark rooms. Well, unless you count the whole no-sunshine thing.  
Which I feel kind of guilty about actually -- depriving Doyle of it, I  
mean. He should be able to spend afternoons by the pool, but instead  
he's in the house with me until after the sun sets. Don't get me wrong,  
I've tried convincing him that it's okay with me if we're not always,  
you know, in the same room or whatever, but he says that's what this  
vacation is for.

I think that has less to do with your vampire status and more to do with the newness of your relationship. Many couples don't get out of their rooms much the first time they go away together.

> Still, maybe when we get back you and he can do some normal stuff.  
Non-vampire stuff.

I'd like that. And I promise, I won't take him out for a drink of blood.

> > There is, yes. But I find I've had my fill of space for now and would rather  
work on working stuff out.

> I get that.

So... should we talk about something? One of those things we need to  
work on, I mean? 

I don't know. Do we? I just... I like that we're talking again. Really talking and not... what we've been doing for months.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > > Really, at the moment I'm not sure I would know what to do with more  
time off than it takes for an evening of beer and darts at the pub.

> > Well we could do that, right? Once me and Doyle get back, I mean. As  
long as you don't mind that I suck at darts.

> I would like that.

Sucking at darts isn't an issue -- I'll just make sure we play for money.

Oh sure. Take advantage of my weaknesses.

Besides, how do you know I'm not just SAYING that I suck at darts?

> > Okay, fair enough. What if a bunch of us went away for a weekend or  
something?

> With our track record trying to do things as a group, we'd probably be attacked  
by a ravening horde of demons.

It's a nice thought however. The going away, not the ravening hordes.

I don't think ravening hordes are ever a nice thought. Well, unless you're part of the horde I guess.

We can talk about it when we get back -- where we might want to go, I mean. Might take a couple of months to come up with a consensus.

> > No, no dark rooms. Well, unless you count the whole no-sunshine thing.  
Which I feel kind of guilty about actually -- depriving Doyle of it, I  
mean. He should be able to spend afternoons by the pool, but instead  
he's in the house with me until after the sun sets. Don't get me wrong,  
I've tried convincing him that it's okay with me if we're not always,  
you know, in the same room or whatever, but he says that's what this  
vacation is for.

> I think that has less to do with your vampire status and more to do with the  
newness of your relationship. Many couples don't get out of their rooms much the  
first time they go away together.

I guess. It's been a long time, and this is the first relationship I've ever had that was, you know, normal. Or kind of normal. And one that might have a chance of working out.

> > Still, maybe when we get back you and he can do some normal stuff.  
Non-vampire stuff.

> I'd like that. And I promise, I won't take him out for a drink of blood.

Oh good, 'cause I was worrying about that.

> > So... should we talk about something? One of those things we need to  
work on, I mean?

> I don't know. Do we? I just... I like that we're talking again. Really talking  
and not... what we've been doing for months.

No, I meant -- maybe we should talk about what happened, you know? Well, I don't mean what *I* did, since we've already talked about that enough from my perspective -- although if you wanted or needed to talk about it more, that would be okay with me -- I mean, what really happened. The stuff that I had you forget.

Do you have good memories from then? From before it all went to hell, I mean?

\- Angel

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

Hi Wes,

> > Well some of them maybe. Depends on where and how we're sitting. As well as how  
much we're wearing -- or not -- at any given time.

> That might be getting into a bit more detail than I care to have you  
share. Not what you've just said, you understand, but... what you're  
hinting at. Just to let you know.

Oh I wasn't going to go into any more detail.

Well, not unless you asked. ;-)

> You can define your gender however you choose -- it's entirely up to  
you. I know that Angel and I, at the very least, will respect whatever  
decision you make.

Thanks. It might be a bit disconcerting, but I still think of myself as "he". Least for now anyway. Maybe I'll grow into thinking of myself as a woman. Ya never know.

> > It would certainly explain the hair.

> Yes, very funny.

Really. I'm smiling.

Good. You should do a lot more of that.

> > Ah. Well you know you can talk to me about that -- or anything -- whenever you  
need to. Just because we're on vacation doesn't mean we're out of touch.

This email being a case in point.

> I know. Angel and I are talking as well, and it's not as if you're  
going to be gone forever.

Nope. I expect that Angel'll start fidgeting about going too long without fighting evil any day now.

> > I'm here if you want to talk.

> Thank you. I appreciate that. I just don't know what to say.

How 'bout the first thing that pops into your head?

Doyle

_________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > Well some of them maybe. Depends on where and how we're sitting. As  
well as how much we're wearing -- or not -- at any given time.

> > That might be getting into a bit more detail than I care to have you  
share. Not what you've just said, you understand, but... what you're  
hinting at. Just to let you know.

> Oh I wasn't going to go into any more detail.

Well, not unless you asked. ;-)

I don't think that's likely to happen. I don't mean any offense, but... I just don't think it will.

> > You can define your gender however you choose -- it's entirely up to  
you. I know that Angel and I, at the very least, will respect whatever  
decision you make.

> Thanks. It might be a bit disconcerting, but I still think of myself as "he".  
Least for now anyway. Maybe I'll grow into thinking of myself as a woman. Ya  
never know.

People are able to make remarkable adjustments... it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

On the other hand, you did build your identity from the moment of birth, and it's also possible that it might not be quite that mutable at this point.

There, aren't I helpful?

> > > It would certainly explain the hair.

> > Yes, very funny.

Really. I'm smiling.

> Good. You should do a lot more of that.

I'll try.

> > I know. Angel and I are talking as well, and it's not as if you're  
going to be gone forever.

> Nope. I expect that Angel'll start fidgeting about going too long without  
fighting evil any day now.

Is he really enjoying himself, do you think? Or is the concept of a vacation rather wasted on him?

> > > I'm here if you want to talk.

> > Thank you. I appreciate that. I just don't know what to say.

> How 'bout the first thing that pops into your head?

I suspect that's the last thing you want to hear.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > Sucking at darts isn't an issue -- I'll just make sure we play for  
money.

> Oh sure. Take advantage of my weaknesses.

I've found I have to take my victories where I can find them.

> Besides, how do you know I'm not just SAYING that I suck at darts?

Then you shouldn't be trying to talk me out of playing for money.

> > > Okay, fair enough. What if a bunch of us went away for a weekend or  
something?

> > With our track record trying to do things as a group, we'd probably be attacked  
by a ravening horde of demons.

It's a nice thought however. The going away, not the ravening hordes.

> I don't think ravening hordes are ever a nice thought. Well, unless  
you're part of the horde I guess.

Having never been part of a horde, I will have to take your word for it.

> We can talk about it when we get back -- where we might want to go, I  
mean. Might take a couple of months to come up with a consensus.

We probably should try something less ambitious first there as well. Perhaps trying to get everyone together to go out for a drink.

Maybe you'll find someone who's worse at darts than you.

> > I think that has less to do with your vampire status and more to do with the  
newness of your relationship. Many couples don't get out of their rooms much the  
first time they go away together.

> I guess. It's been a long time, and this is the first relationship I've  
ever had that was, you know, normal. Or kind of normal. And one that  
might have a chance of working out.

I'm happy for you -- and Doyle.

Truly.

> > > Still, maybe when we get back you and he can do some normal stuff.  
Non-vampire stuff.

> > I'd like that. And I promise, I won't take him out for a drink of  
blood.

> Oh good, 'cause I was worrying about that.

Well I'm not exactly sure what else would qualify as "vampire stuff". Aside from perhaps bursting into flame in sunlight -- I promise Doyle and I won't be indulging in that either.

> No, I meant -- maybe we should talk about what happened, you know?  
Well, I don't mean what *I* did, since we've already talked about that  
enough from my perspective -- although if you wanted or needed to talk  
about it more, that would be okay with me -- I mean, what really  
happened. The stuff that I had you forget.

Do you have good memories from then? From before it all went to hell, I  
mean?

I remember you with Connor when he was a baby, how happy you were. It was good to see you like that.

And how we all felt... well, like a family.

I miss that feeling.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > > Sucking at darts isn't an issue -- I'll just make sure we play for  
money.

> > Oh sure. Take advantage of my weaknesses.

> I've found I have to take my victories where I can find them.

Well, fine then. We'll play darts and you'll win all my money. But then I'll make you buy me beer. Either way, I figure I come out ahead.

> > Besides, how do you know I'm not just SAYING that I suck at darts?

> Then you shouldn't be trying to talk me out of playing for money.

Yeah, you got me. Not only do I suck at darts, I also suck at bluffing.

> > > With our track record trying to do things as a group, we'd probably be  
attacked by a ravening horde of demons.

It's a nice thought however. The going away, not the ravening hordes.

> > I don't think ravening hordes are ever a nice thought. Well, unless  
you're part of the horde I guess.

> Having never been part of a horde, I will have to take your word for it.

You can't imagine it?

Um, okay, maybe you just don't want to.

> > We can talk about it when we get back -- where we might want to go, I  
mean. Might take a couple of months to come up with a consensus.

> We probably should try something less ambitious first there as well. Perhaps  
trying to get everyone together to go out for a drink.

Maybe you'll find someone who's worse at darts than you.

Sounds good. All of it.

> > I guess. It's been a long time, and this is the first relationship I've  
ever had that was, you know, normal. Or kind of normal. And one that  
might have a chance of working out.

> I'm happy for you -- and Doyle.

Truly.

Thanks, Wes. That means a lot.

> > > I'd like that. And I promise, I won't take him out for a drink of  
blood.

> > Oh good, 'cause I was worrying about that.

> Well I'm not exactly sure what else would qualify as "vampire stuff". Aside from  
perhaps bursting into flame in sunlight -- I promise Doyle and I won't be  
indulging in that either.

I just meant, you know... normal stuff. Like going out during daylight hours, for one. I don't think it's good for humans to live on a vampire's schedule.

> > No, I meant -- maybe we should talk about what happened, you know?  
Well, I don't mean what *I* did, since we've already talked about that  
enough from my perspective -- although if you wanted or needed to talk  
about it more, that would be okay with me -- I mean, what really  
happened. The stuff that I had you forget.

Do you have good memories from then? From before it all went to hell, I  
mean?

> I remember you with Connor when he was a baby, how happy you were. It was good  
to see you like that.

And how we all felt... well, like a family.

I miss that feeling.

Me too.

Do you think we could get it back? Without the Connor part, I mean, since obviously that's never going to happen again.

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From Doyle

Hi Wes

> > > > Well some of them maybe. Depends on where and how we're sitting. As  
well as how much we're wearing -- or not -- at any given time.

> > > That might be getting into a bit more detail than I care to have you  
share. Not what you've just said, you understand, but... what you're  
hinting at. Just to let you know.

> > Oh I wasn't going to go into any more detail.

Well, not unless you asked. ;-)

> I don't think that's likely to happen. I don't mean any offense, but...  
I just don't think it will.

Y'know, I was pretty sure that was going to be the answer. But if your curiosity ever gets the better of you...

Though part of me is used to being a bit more discreet about details, to protect the woman's honour, y'know, doing the chivalrous thing.

But since I'm the woman this time and the details don't feel like they impinge on my honour, I guess the old rules don't apply.

But still, only to those who want to hear it.

> > Thanks. It might be a bit disconcerting, but I still think of myself as "he".  
Least for now anyway. Maybe I'll grow into thinking of myself as a  
woman. Ya never know.

> People are able to make remarkable adjustments... it's certainly within  
the realm of possibility.

On the other hand, you did build your identity from the moment of  
birth, and it's also possible that it might not be quite that mutable  
at his point.

I also from the moment of birth had built my identity as a human being and then when I was 21 got that all shot to hell. So it's not like reworking an identity is totally new to me.

Just hope I do a better job with it this time than I did then.

> There, aren't I helpful?

Yeah, you are. It's nice to have someone to talk to this all about who doesn't freak on me.

> > > > It would certainly explain the hair.

> > > Yes, very funny.

Really. I'm smiling.

> > Good. You should do a lot more of that.

> I'll try.

Anything I can do to help that along? I'm sure Angel would forgive me dying his hair purple if it's in such a worthy cause.

> > Nope. I expect that Angel'll start fidgeting about going too long without  
fighting evil any day now.

> Is he really enjoying himself, do you think? Or is the concept of a  
vacation rather wasted on him?

He does seem to be enjoying himself. Every now and then he does get that "Shouldn't I be brooding?" look but so far I've been able to distract him.

> > > > I'm here if you want to talk.

> > > Thank you. I appreciate that. I just don't know what to say.

> > How 'bout the first thing that pops into your head?

> I suspect that's the last thing you want to hear.

Okay, now you've got me curious. What's the last thing you think I want to hear?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > Oh I wasn't going to go into any more detail.

Well, not unless you asked. ;-)

> > I don't think that's likely to happen. I don't mean any offense, but...  
I just don't think it will.

> Y'know, I was pretty sure that was going to be the answer. But if your curiosity  
ever gets the better of you...

Though part of me is used to being a bit more discreet about details, to protect  
the woman's honour, y'know, doing the chivalrous thing.

But since I'm the woman this time and the details don't feel like they impinge  
on my honour, I guess the old rules don't apply.

But still, only to those who want to hear it.

It's not so much that I don't want to -- which isn't to say that I do. It's more that I'm not sure it's a good idea.

> > On the other hand, you did build your identity from the moment of  
birth, and it's also possible that it might not be quite that mutable  
at his point.

> I also from the moment of birth had built my identity as a human being and then  
when I was 21 got that all shot to hell. So it's not like reworking an identity  
is totally new to me.

Fair enough.

> Just hope I do a better job with it this time than I did then.

You seem to be handling it all very well. Better than most people would, I'm sure.

> > There, aren't I helpful?

> Yeah, you are. It's nice to have someone to talk to this all about who doesn't  
freak on me.

Does Angel 'freak on you'? Or do you try not to talk about it at this point?

And... please know that I'd never ask you to reveal anything it would be best for you not to share.

> > > > Really. I'm smiling.

> > > Good. You should do a lot more of that.

> > I'll try.

> Anything I can do to help that along? I'm sure Angel would forgive me dying his  
hair purple if it's in such a worthy cause.

That might be a horror-filled sort of smile, which I don't think is quite the look you're going for.

> > Is he really enjoying himself, do you think? Or is the concept of a  
vacation rather wasted on him?

> He does seem to be enjoying himself. Every now and then he does get that  
"Shouldn't I be brooding?" look but so far I've been able to distract him.

Good. I think he needed this time away.

> > > How 'bout the first thing that pops into your head?

> > I suspect that's the last thing you want to hear.

> Okay, now you've got me curious. What's the last thing you think I want to hear?

That I'm envious of your and Angel's happiness?

I know that's a terrible thing to think, let alone to say, but it's there. I'm sorry.

\- Wesley

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > > > Sucking at darts isn't an issue -- I'll just make sure we play for  
money.

> > > Oh sure. Take advantage of my weaknesses.

> > I've found I have to take my victories where I can find them. 

> Well, fine then. We'll play darts and you'll win all my money. But then  
I'll make you buy me beer. Either way, I figure I come out ahead.

Or we could play for beer if you prefer.

> > > Besides, how do you know I'm not just SAYING that I suck at darts?

> > Then you shouldn't be trying to talk me out of playing for money.

> Yeah, you got me. Not only do I suck at darts, I also suck at bluffing.

I've seen you bluff when you have had to. I just have had several years to study how you react and so perhaps have an advantage on figuring out when you are.

> > > > It's a nice thought however. The going away, not the ravening hordes.

> > > I don't think ravening hordes are ever a nice thought. Well, unless  
you're part of the horde I guess.

> > Having never been part of a horde, I will have to take your word for it.

> You can't imagine it?

Um, okay, maybe you just don't want to.

It's more that as a human I doubt being part of a ravening demon horde would be at all healthy for me.

> > We probably should try something less ambitious first there as well. Perhaps  
trying to get everyone together to go out for a drink.

Maybe you'll find someone who's worse at darts than you.

> Sounds good. All of it.

I'll mention it to the others then. Maybe I'll even see if they'd want to go out for a drink with me now.

> > I'm happy for you -- and Doyle.

Truly.

> Thanks, Wes. That means a lot.

You're welcome.

> I'd like that. And I promise, I won't take him out for a drink of  
blood.

> > > Oh good, 'cause I was worrying about that.

> > Well I'm not exactly sure what else would qualify as "vampire stuff". Aside from  
perhaps bursting into flame in sunlight -- I promise Doyle and I won't be  
indulging in that either.

> I just meant, you know... normal stuff. Like going out during daylight  
hours, for one. I don't think it's good for humans to live on a  
vampire's schedule.

Depends on the vampire and the reasons for living on his schedule. I've always considered it worth any sacrifices I've might have had to make. Besides Angel, for a vampire you do live closer to a human schedule than many of your kind. Your schedule is more like... a musician's than a vampire's.

> > > Do you have good memories from then? From before it all went to hell, I  
mean?

> > I remember you with Connor when he was a baby, how happy you were. It  
was good to see you like that.

And how we all felt... well, like a family.

I miss that feeling.

> Me too.

Do you think we could get it back? Without the Connor part, I mean,  
since obviously that's never going to happen again.

I think we already are.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > > I've found I have to take my victories where I can find them.

> > Well, fine then. We'll play darts and you'll win all my money. But then  
I'll make you buy me beer. Either way, I figure I come out ahead.

> Or we could play for beer if you prefer.

That's an idea. I'll bet you're fun when you're drunk.

> > Yeah, you got me. Not only do I suck at darts, I also suck at bluffing.

> I've seen you bluff when you have had to. I just have had several years to study  
how you react and so perhaps have an advantage on figuring out when you are.

Okay, fair enough.

Do you really spend all that much time figuring out how I react to stuff?

> > > Having never been part of a horde, I will have to take your word for it.

> > You can't imagine it?

Um, okay, maybe you just don't want to.

> It's more that as a human I doubt being part of a ravening demon horde would be  
at all healthy for me.

What kinds of things WOULD be? Healthy for you, I mean?

> > > Maybe you'll find someone who's worse at darts than you.

> > Sounds good. All of it.

> I'll mention it to the others then. Maybe I'll even see if they'd want to go out  
for a drink with me now.

That sounds like a really good idea. It's good to talk to other people outside the office, you know? I mean, people that you usually see inside the office.

> > I just meant, you know... normal stuff. Like going out during daylight  
hours, for one. I don't think it's good for humans to live on a  
vampire's schedule.

> Depends on the vampire and the reasons for living on his schedule. I've always  
considered it worth any sacrifices I've might have had to make. Besides Angel,  
for a vampire you do live closer to a human schedule than many of your kind.  
Your schedule is more like... a musician's than a vampire's.

I know I'm not an all night, all the time kind of vampire anymore, but I still have habits that might be bad for the people who're stuck with me, you know?

And I know you've made sacrifices. A lot. And I appreciate it.

Didn't you ever feel resentful?

> > > And how we all felt... well, like a family.

I miss that feeling.

> > Me too.

Do you think we could get it back? Without the Connor part, I mean,  
since obviously that's never going to happen again.

> I think we already are.

You're better with words than I am, I guess, because I'm right back at 'Me too,' again.

Okay, Doyle says I'd better go have dinner with him now, so I'll say talk to you later without asking how things are at the office, since I promised Doyle I wasn't going to ask.

Take care, Wes.

\- Angel

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

Hi Wes!

> > > I don't think that's likely to happen. I don't mean any offense, but...  
I just don't think it will.

> > Y'know, I was pretty sure that was going to be the answer. But if your curiosity  
ever gets the better of you...

Though part of me is used to being a bit more discreet about details, to protect  
the woman's honour, y'know, doing the chivalrous thing.

But since I'm the woman this time and the details don't feel like they impinge  
on my honour, I guess the old rules don't apply.

But still, only to those who want to hear it.

> It's not so much that I don't want to -- which isn't to say that I do.  
It's more that I'm not sure it's a good idea.

How is it not a good idea? Beyond the obvious of oversharing I mean.

> > I also from the moment of birth had built my identity as a human being and then  
when I was 21 got that all shot to hell. So it's not like reworking an identity  
is totally new to me.

> Fair enough.

Who ever thought waking up one morning and finding yourself green with blue spines would actually be considered training?

> > Just hope I do a better job with it this time than I did then.

> You seem to be handling it all very well. Better than most people  
would, I'm sure.

Considering the alternatives were either being bodiless and stuck in a computer or bodiless and dead, this isn't so bad. Keeping that kind of thought in mind helps put everything into perspective.

> > > There, aren't I helpful?

> > Yeah, you are. It's nice to have someone to talk to this all about who  
doesn't freak on me.

> Does Angel 'freak on you'? Or do you try not to talk about it at this  
point?

Angel doesn't freak so much as fall back into taking the blame for everything that happens in his vicinity. Also, I don't want him thinking so much about it that all he sees is the problem and not *me*, if you know what I mean.

> And... please know that I'd never ask you to reveal anything it would  
be best for you not to share.

Thank you. But really there's nothing really about this that's a deep dark secret. Or if there is, it's a deep dark secret to me too.

> > > > > Really. I'm smiling.

> > > > Good. You should do a lot more of that.

> > > I'll try.

> > Anything I can do to help that along? I'm sure Angel would forgive me  
dying his hair purple if it's in such a worthy cause.

> That might be a horror-filled sort of smile, which I don't think is  
quite the look you're going for.

Probably not. So what should I be doing then to make you smile?

> > > Is he really enjoying himself, do you think? Or is the concept of a  
vacation rather wasted on him?

> > He does seem to be enjoying himself. Every now and then he does get  
that "Shouldn't I be brooding?" look but so far I've been able to distract him.

> Good. I think he needed this time away.

Yes. Everyone needs a vacation every now and then. Especially if they've been dealing with the kind of stress Angel has been.

Or you for that matter. You thought about taking some time off?

> > Okay, now you've got me curious. What's the last thing you think I  
want to hear?

> That I'm envious of your and Angel's happiness?

I know that's a terrible thing to think, let alone to say, but it's  
there. I'm sorry.

It isn't terrible at all. Just human.

When we get back, we'll work on getting you some happiness of your own, okay?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > But since I'm the woman this time and the details don't feel like they impinge  
on my honour, I guess the old rules don't apply.

But still, only to those who want to hear it.

> > It's not so much that I don't want to -- which isn't to say that I do.  
It's more that I'm not sure it's a good idea.

> How is it not a good idea? Beyond the obvious of oversharing I mean.

Yes, that's it exactly, I think. There are details that one isn't meant to share with friends. It doesn't mean that you aren't close, just that the possibility exists that someone might become uncomfortable.

> > > I also from the moment of birth had built my identity as a human being and then  
when I was 21 got that all shot to hell. So it's not like reworking an identity  
is totally new to me.

> > Fair enough.

> Who ever thought waking up one morning and finding yourself green with blue  
spines would actually be considered training?

No one, I'm sure. And I'd imagine you're the only person for whom that particular experience has actually come in handy.

> > You seem to be handling it all very well. Better than most people  
would, I'm sure.

> Considering the alternatives were either being bodiless and stuck in a computer  
or bodiless and dead, this isn't so bad. Keeping that kind of thought in mind  
helps put everything into perspective.

I can certainly say in all honesty that I'm grateful you're here, regardless of what happened to make that the case. Both for myself and for Angel.

> > > Yeah, you are. It's nice to have someone to talk to this all about who doesn't  
freak on me.

> > Does Angel 'freak on you'? Or do you try not to talk about it at this  
point?

> Angel doesn't freak so much as fall back into taking the blame for everything  
that happens in his vicinity. Also, I don't want him thinking so much about it  
that all he sees is the problem and not *me*, if you know what I mean.

I suppose I can see that, yes. I'm sure things will get easier over time.

> > And... please know that I'd never ask you to reveal anything it would  
be best for you not to share.

> Thank you. But really there's nothing really about this that's a deep dark  
secret. Or if there is, it's a deep dark secret to me too.

I'd just hate to get in between the two of you -- for you to be sharing something with me because you felt it was too difficult to share it with him. I don't want to take anything away from him, you see. Well, not that I could in this case, but... I'm sure you understand.

> > That might be a horror-filled sort of smile, which I don't think is  
quite the look you're going for.

> Probably not. So what should I be doing then to make you smile?

Just be yourself. It's good to have someone to talk to, someone who knows everything and understands, and especially someone who knows Angel so well.

> > Good. I think he needed this time away.

> Yes. Everyone needs a vacation every now and then. Especially if they've been  
dealing with the kind of stress Angel has been.

Or you for that matter. You thought about taking some time off?

Angel and I have been talking about that, actually. First he suggested that I take a vacation, and then when I said I thought it would be a rather solitary activity, he thought I should take Gunn along with me. It was hard to explain to him that that really wouldn't make for the best experience. At this point we've settled on all of us trying to go out for a drink when the two of you get back.

And I'm going to see if anyone would like to go for one tonight too, although I'm busy both trying not to get my hopes up and worrying that it might not turn out the way I'd like it to.

> > > Okay, now you've got me curious. What's the last thing you think I  
want to hear? 

> > That I'm envious of your and Angel's happiness?

I know that's a terrible thing to think, let alone to say, but it's  
there. I'm sorry.

> It isn't terrible at all. Just human.

Terribly human. And I'm truly pleased that the two of you are happy. I don't begrudge you that at all.

> When we get back, we'll work on getting you some happiness of your own, okay?

I don't think it's the sort of thing you can work at exactly. But I appreciate the sentiment.

I'll talk to you soon.

\- Wesley


	27. Chapter 27

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > Or we could play for beer if you prefer.

> That's an idea. I'll bet you're fun when you're drunk.

I haven't noticed much fun when I've drank to the point of being drunk, but then again I wouldn't be the most reliable witness in such situations, as I would by definition be drunk at the time.

> > I've seen you bluff when you have had to. I just have had several years to study how you react and so perhaps have an advantage on figuring out when  
you are.

> Okay, fair enough.

Do you really spend all that much time figuring out how I react to  
stuff?

I'm afraid I do. Rather an ingrained habit by now; I doubt I could stop easily.

> > It's more that as a human I doubt being part of a ravening demon horde would be  
at all healthy for me.

> What kinds of things WOULD be? Healthy for you, I mean?

A change of profession? Not that that's a serious option, even if I wanted to.

> > > Sounds good. All of it.

> > I'll mention it to the others then. Maybe I'll even see if they'd want to go out  
for a drink with me now.

> That sounds like a really good idea. It's good to talk to other people  
outside the office, you know? I mean, people that you usually see inside  
the office.

We have all got out of the habit, haven't we? Not just you and me, but everybody.

> > Depends on the vampire and the reasons for living on his schedule. I've always  
considered it worth any sacrifices I've might have had to make. Besides Angel,  
for a vampire you do live closer to a human schedule than many of your kind.  
Your schedule is more like... a musician's than a vampire's.

> I know I'm not an all night, all the time kind of vampire anymore, but  
I still have habits that might be bad for the people who're stuck with  
me, you know?

The brooding for one, you might want to work on.

> And I know you've made sacrifices. A lot. And I appreciate it.

Thank you. That... It means a lot, hearing that from you.

> Didn't you ever feel resentful?

Of what? Helping you? No, never.

Working with you, helping you, that has always been my choice.

It's really the first thing I could truly say that about.

> > > > And how we all felt... well, like a family

I miss that feeling.

> > > Me too.

Do you think we could get it back? Without the Connor part, I mean,  
since obviously that's never going to happen again.

> > I think we already are.

> You're better with words than I am, I guess, because I'm right back at  
'Me too,' again.

It's... nice. And weirdly, considering everything we've gone through and how far apart we'd got, it seems almost too easy. Not that I'm complaining.

> Okay, Doyle says I'd better go have dinner with him now, so I'll say  
talk to you later without asking how things are at the office, since I  
promised Doyle I wasn't going to ask.

To answer the question you didn't ask, everything is fine here. No crises that we haven't been able to handle.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley:  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > That's an idea. I'll bet you're fun when you're drunk.

> I haven't noticed much fun when I've drank to the point of being drunk, but then  
again I wouldn't be the most reliable witness in such situations, as I would by  
definition be drunk at the time.

We could get one of those video cameras and tape you? When you were drunk, I mean. Then at least you'd know.

> > Do you really spend all that much time figuring out how I react to  
stuff?

> I'm afraid I do. Rather an ingrained habit by now; I doubt I could stop easily.

Well you don't HAVE to. By which I mean, you don't have to do it. Maybe it's too much pressure, or something? People can train themselves out of bad habits, right?

This is the place where you reassure me that they can, because if not, I don't stand a chance in hell of being able to work things out with Doyle.

I'm kidding mostly.

> > What kinds of things WOULD be? Healthy for you, I mean?

> A change of profession? Not that that's a serious option, even if I wanted to.

Of course it's an option. If you'd be happier, then you should do it. What kind of thing would be good?

> > > I'll mention it to the others then. Maybe I'll even see if they'd want  
to go out for a drink with me now.

> > That sounds like a really good idea. It's good to talk to other people  
outside the office, you know? I mean, people that you usually see inside  
the office.

> We have all got out of the habit, haven't we? Not just you and me, but everybody.

Yeah. Different schedule, longer hours -- well, longer officially anyway. Getting settled into a new routine is a lot of work all on its own. Maybe now that things are a little less crazy, we'll get back into the habit?

> > I know I'm not an all night, all the time kind of vampire anymore, but  
I still have habits that might be bad for the people who're stuck with  
me, you know?

> The brooding for one, you might want to work on.

I'm trying. Believe me.

> > And I know you've made sacrifices. A lot. And I appreciate it.

> Thank you. That... It means a lot, hearing that from you.

I just wish there was something I could do to make stuff better for you.

> > Didn't you ever feel resentful?

> Of what? Helping you? No, never.

Working with you, helping you, that has always been my choice.

It's really the first thing I could truly say that about. 

But still... I mean, even if you made the choice, that doesn't mean you always had to be happy about the way things went. It's okay to feel resentful. If you do, I'd rather you say it. You know?

> > > > Do you think we could get it back? Without the Connor part, I mean,  
since obviously that's never going to happen again.

> > > I think we already are.

> > You're better with words than I am, I guess, because I'm right back at  
'Me too,' again.

> It's... nice. And weirdly, considering everything we've gone through and how far  
apart we'd got, it seems almost too easy. Not that I'm complaining.

You mean maybe we're just fooling ourselves?

It doesn't feel like that to me. But then, I could be wrong.

> > Okay, Doyle says I'd better go have dinner with him now, so I'll say  
talk to you later without asking how things are at the office, since I  
promised Doyle I wasn't going to ask.

> To answer the question you didn't ask, everything is fine here. No crises that  
we haven't been able to handle.

Good.

I'm thinking we're maybe going to come back a few days earlier than planned anyway. I think Doyle's coming down with something, or maybe he ate a bad clam and got food poisoning, I don't know. Last night he didn't look right -- kind of pale and funny, even though he insisted he was fine -- and then this morning he hardly touched his breakfast, which isn't like him. And right now he's taking a nap. I don't think he meant to... we were talking, and he curled up on the couch with his head in my lap, and next thing I knew he was asleep.

Maybe there's such a thing as too much fresh air?

I don't know. I'm a little worried. It's probably nothing, but...

Anyway, talk to you soon. Take care.

\- Angel

__________

To:Wesley  
From: Doyle

Hi Wes

> > > It's not so much that I don't want to -- which isn't to say that I do.  
It's more that I'm not sure it's a good idea.

> > How is it not a good idea? Beyond the obvious of oversharing I mean.

> Yes, that's it exactly, I think. There are details that one isn't meant  
to share with friends. It doesn't mean that you aren't close, just that  
the possibility exists that someone might become uncomfortable.

Well I wasn't about to go spouting off all the intimate details in Wolfram and Hart's lobby or anything. People are going to have to ask before they get the good stuff. ;-)

> > Who ever thought waking up one morning and finding yourself green with blue  
spines would actually be considered training?

> No one, I'm sure. And I'd imagine you're the only person for whom that  
particular experience has actually come in handy.

It's been pretty hard to find a support group or anything, yeah.

> > > You seem to be handling it all very well. Better than most people  
would, I'm sure.

> > Considering the alternatives were either being bodiless and stuck in a computer  
or bodiless and dead, this isn't so bad. Keeping that kind of thought in mind  
helps put everything into perspective.

> I can certainly say in all honesty that I'm grateful you're here,  
regardless of what happened to make that the case. Both for myself and  
for Angel.

Thanks. Always nice to be wanted. :-)

> > > Does Angel 'freak on you'? Or do you try not to talk about it at this  
point?

> > Angel doesn't freak so much as fall back into taking the blame for everything  
that happens in his vicinity. Also, I don't want him thinking so much about it  
that all he sees is the problem and not *me*, if you know what I mean.

> I suppose I can see that, yes. I'm sure things will get easier over  
time.

Yeah, I'm sure they will. Give us a few months -- possibly years -- and we'll look on all this as normal.

Yeah, probably not.

> > Thank you. But really there's nothing really about this that's a deep dark  
secret. Or if there is, it's a deep dark secret to me too.

> I'd just hate to get in between the two of you -- for you to be sharing  
something with me because you felt it was too difficult to share it  
with him. I don't want to take anything away from him, you see. Well,  
not that I could in this case, but... I'm sure you understand.

It doesn't have to be an either or situation, y'know. I can talk to Angel *and* talk to you.

> > Probably not. So what should I be doing then to make you smile?

> Just be yourself. It's good to have someone to talk to, someone who  
knows everything and understands, and especially someone who knows  
Angel so well.

Being myself I can do. Given the whole new body thing, that may be an accomplishment all by itself.

But whatever body I'm wearing, I'm always going to be willing to listen.

> > Or you for that matter. You thought about taking some time off?

> Angel and I have been talking about that, actually. First he suggested  
that I take a vacation, and then when I said I thought it would be a  
rather solitary activity, he thought I should take Gunn along with me.  
It was hard to explain to him that that really wouldn't make for the  
best experience. At this point we've settled on all of us trying to go  
out for a drink when the two of you get back.

Sounds like fun. I haven't forgotten about us talking about going out for a beer. Dragging Angel along will be... an accomplishment. I never was able to get him to go out for a drink with me back when I was alive the first time. And believe you me I tried.

> And I'm going to see if anyone would like to go for one tonight too,  
although I'm busy both trying not to get my hopes up and worrying that  
it might not turn out the way I'd like it to.

Or it could turn out to be a great evening.

But either way, let me know?

> > > That I'm envious of your and Angel's happiness?

I know that's a terrible thing to think, let alone to say, but it's  
there. I'm sorry.

> > It isn't terrible at all. Just human.

> Terribly human. And I'm truly pleased that the two of you are happy. I  
don't begrudge you that at all.

I know. But thank you.

> > When we get back, we'll work on getting you some happiness of your  
own, okay?

> I don't think it's the sort of thing you can work at exactly. But I  
appreciate the sentiment.

We'll start with that going out for a drink. Then we'll take it from there.

> I'll talk to you soon.

Count on it.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > Yes, that's it exactly, I think. There are details that one isn't meant  
to share with friends. It doesn't mean that you aren't close, just that  
the possibility exists that someone might become uncomfortable.

> Well I wasn't about to go spouting off all the intimate details in Wolfram and  
Hart's lobby or anything. People are going to have to ask before they get the  
good stuff. ;-)

Yes, I understand. I suppose I should be grateful that you're capable of being so discreet. (Again, I'm smiling.)

> > > Considering the alternatives were either being bodiless and stuck in a computer  
or bodiless and dead, this isn't so bad. Keeping that kind of thought in mind  
helps put everything into perspective.

> > I can certainly say in all honesty that I'm grateful you're here,  
regardless of what happened to make that the case. Both for myself and  
for Angel.

> Thanks. Always nice to be wanted. :-)

I'm very glad of your friendship.

> > > Angel doesn't freak so much as fall back into taking the blame for  
everything that happens in his vicinity. Also, I don't want him thinking so much  
about it that all he sees is the problem and not *me*, if you know what I mean.

> > I suppose I can see that, yes. I'm sure things will get easier over  
time.

> Yeah, I'm sure they will. Give us a few months -- possibly years -- and we'll  
look on all this as normal.

Yeah, probably not.

Probably not. But at least in that amount of time you should expect for things to settle down and become less stressful.

> > I'd just hate to get in between the two of you -- for you to be sharing  
something with me because you felt it was too difficult to share it  
with him. I don't want to take anything away from him, you see. Well,  
not that I could in this case, but... I'm sure you understand.

> It doesn't have to be an either or situation, y'know. I can talk to Angel *and*  
talk to you.

I know. As long as you *are* doing both.

> > Just be yourself. It's good to have someone to talk to, someone who  
knows everything and understands, and especially someone who knows  
Angel so well. 

> Being myself I can do. Given the whole new body thing, that may be an  
accomplishment all by itself.

But whatever body I'm wearing, I'm always going to be willing to listen.

The same holds true on this end. Whenever you need to talk, I'll be here.

> > Angel and I have been talking about that, actually. First he suggested  
that I take a vacation, and then when I said I thought it would be a  
rather solitary activity, he thought I should take Gunn along with me.  
It was hard to explain to him that that really wouldn't make for the  
best experience. At this point we've settled on all of us trying to go  
out for a drink when the two of you get back.

> Sounds like fun. I haven't forgotten about us talking about going out for a  
beer. Dragging Angel along will be... an accomplishment. I never was able to get  
him to go out for a drink with me back when I was alive the first time. And  
believe you me I tried.

I'm sure it was quite a challenge. Between the two of us -- with reinforcements -- we just might be able to manage it.

> > And I'm going to see if anyone would like to go for one tonight too,  
although I'm busy both trying not to get my hopes up and worrying that  
it might not turn out the way I'd like it to.

> Or it could turn out to be a great evening.

But either way, let me know?

It didn't pan out for last night -- scheduling conflicts -- but we're going to try again tonight. Wish us luck.

> > Terribly human. And I'm truly pleased that the two of you are happy. I  
don't begrudge you that at all.

> I know. But thank you.

You're welcome. You both deserve it.

> > I don't think it's the sort of thing you can work at exactly. But I  
appreciate the sentiment.

> We'll start with that going out for a drink. Then we'll take it from there.

All right. And by then who knows, there might be a nightly after-work drink routine already in place.

No, not likely, I know. But one can always hope.

How are you feeling? Angel said he thought you might have got a touch of food poisoning.

\- Wesley

__________

To Angel  
From Wes

Hello Angel,

> > > That's an idea. I'll bet you're fun when you're drunk.

> > I haven't noticed much fun when I've drank to the point of being drunk, but then  
again I wouldn't be the most reliable witness in such situations, as I would by  
definition be drunk at the time.

> We could get one of those video cameras and tape you? When you were  
drunk, I mean. Then at least you'd know.

Why, Angel, are you saying you want to get me drunk?

But really, I doubt any video would be interesting. Just me sitting and drinking and getting progressively broodier.

> > > Do you really spend all that much time figuring out how I react to  
stuff?

> > I'm afraid I do. Rather an ingrained habit by now; I doubt I could  
stop easily.

> Well you don't HAVE to. By which I mean, you don't have to do it. Maybe  
it's too much pressure, or something? People can train themselves out  
of bad habits, right?

The problem being, I don't know if I consider spending time figuring you out a habit I want to break.

> This is the place where you reassure me that they can, because if not,  
I don't stand a chance in hell of being able to work things out with  
Doyle.

I'm kidding mostly.

People -- even vampire people -- can change.

And from where I am sitting, you and Doyle seem to be working things out just fine.

> > > What kinds of things WOULD be? Healthy for you, I mean?

> > A change of profession? Not that that's a serious option, even if I  
wanted to.

> Of course it's an option. If you'd be happier, then you should do it.  
What kind of thing would be good?

I have no idea really. But I fear this sort of profession is another ingrained habit. It's not exactly what I saw myself doing when I thought about it as a boy, but I'm still helping, still fighting those forces of darkness that threaten, if I can be that dramatic. In some ways this is better than being a Watcher would have been.

> > > That sounds like a really good idea. It's good to talk to other people  
outside the office, you know? I mean, people that you usually see inside  
the office.

> > We have all got out of the habit, haven't we? Not just you and me, but  
everybody.

> Yeah. Different schedule, longer hours -- well, longer officially  
anyway. Getting settled into a new routine is a lot of work all on its  
own. Maybe now that things are a little less crazy, we'll get back into  
the habit?

Do things ever get less crazy? Or is it just the type of craziness changes?

Nonetheless making an effort at reconnecting wouldn't be a bad thing.

> > > I know I'm not an all night, all the time kind of vampire anymore, but  
I still have habits that might be bad for the people who're stuck with  
me, you know?

> > The brooding for one, you might want to work on.

> I'm trying. Believe me.

I'm sure Doyle is helping in that regard?

> > > And I know you've made sacrifices. A lot. And I appreciate it.

> > Thank you. That... It means a lot, hearing that from you.

> I just wish there was something I could do to make stuff better for you.

You are. This... reclaiming the friendship we had, it's made things far better than I can put into words.

> > > Didn't you ever feel resentful?

> > Of what? Helping you? No, never.

Working with you, helping you, that has always been my choice.

It's really the first thing I could truly say that about.

> But still... I mean, even if you made the choice, that doesn't mean you  
always had to be happy about the way things went. It's okay to feel  
resentful. If you do, I'd rather you say it. You know?

If I did, I would tell you, but I never have, not of helping you.

> > > > > Do you think we could get it back? Without the Connor part, I mean,  
since obviously that's never going to happen again.

> > > > I think we already are.

> > > You're better with words than I am, I guess, because I'm right back at  
'Me too,' again.

> > It's... nice. And weirdly, considering everything we've gone through and how far  
apart we'd got, it seems almost too easy. Not that I'm complaining.

> You mean maybe we're just fooling ourselves?

It doesn't feel like that to me. But then, I could be wrong.

I don't think we're fooling ourselves. It's just... it's going so well, so easily... I find myself waffling between waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering why we took so long to get here.

> I'm thinking we're maybe going to come back a few days earlier than  
planned anyway. I think Doyle's coming down with something, or maybe he  
ate a bad clam and got food poisoning, I don't know. Last night he  
didn't look right -- kind of pale and funny, even though he insisted he  
was fine -- and then this morning he hardly touched his breakfast,  
which isn't like him. And right now he's taking a nap. I don't think he  
meant to... we were talking, and he curled up on the couch with his  
head in my lap, and next thing I knew he was asleep.

Taking a nap while curled up with a lover while on vacation could just be Doyle taking advantage of said vacation.

Is he complaining of any symptoms?

It's possible he did get a bad clam as you said, but if it's only what you've mentioned here, it doesn't sound too serious. I wouldn't worry too much.

> Maybe there's such a thing as too much fresh air?

Not that I've ever heard of.

> I don't know. I'm a little worried. It's probably nothing, but...

If he isn't feeling better, then by all means come home. We can have the medical department here check him out, so they can confirm it's nothing and you can stop worrying.

> Anyway, talk to you soon. Take care.

You too. Both of you.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > We could get one of those video cameras and tape you? When you were  
drunk, I mean. Then at least you'd know.

> Why, Angel, are you saying you want to get me drunk?

But really, I doubt any video would be interesting. Just me sitting  
and drinking and getting progressively broodier.

Well, yeah. Because it could be fun. Not, you know, insanely drunk, but no matter what you say, I think when you're that drunk you're probably entertaining. I can't picture it making you all broody.

Does it?

> > Well you don't HAVE to. By which I mean, you don't have to do it. Maybe  
it's too much pressure, or something? People can train themselves out  
of bad habits, right?

> The problem being, I don't know if I consider spending time figuring  
you out a habit I want to break.

I... okay, somehow I think I'm supposed to have something pithy to say here. (Is pithy even a word? Does it mean what I think it means? A dictionary could be a thing.) Anyway... why?

> > This is the place where you reassure me that they can, because if not,  
I don't stand a chance in hell of being able to work things out with  
Doyle.

I'm kidding mostly.

> People -- even vampire people -- can change.

And from where I am sitting, you and Doyle seem to be working things  
out just fine.

Yeah. Things are okay for now. I just worry. I've managed to destroy everything good that ever came into my life, pretty much, and I can't help but think that he's next in line.

I feel sick just thinking about it. Which is why I try not to, since Doyle can tell when I'm getting upset about something.

> > > A change of profession? Not that that's a serious option, even if I  
wanted to.

> > Of course it's an option. If you'd be happier, then you should do it.  
What kind of thing would be good?

> I have no idea really. But I fear this sort of profession is another  
ingrained habit. It's not exactly what I saw myself doing when I  
thought about it as a boy, but I'm still helping, still fighting those  
forces of darkness that threaten, if I can be that dramatic. In some  
ways this is better than being a Watcher would have been.

But if you want to be doing something else... we can figure something out, Wes. Honest.

> > > We have all got out of the habit, haven't we? Not just you and me, but  
everybody.

> > Yeah. Different schedule, longer hours -- well, longer officially  
anyway. Getting settled into a new routine is a lot of work all on its  
own. Maybe now that things are a little less crazy, we'll get back into  
the habit?

> Do things ever get less crazy? Or is it just the type of craziness changes?

Hell, I don't know. But then, I try to figure I'm not a good example of what life is like for the world at large -- how could I be?

What's crazy now?

> Nonetheless making an effort at reconnecting wouldn't be a bad thing.

Then we'll do it. As soon as Doyle and I get back, we should all sit down together and talk about it. Really talk, I mean. As much as we can.

Ever think you'd hear me say something like that?

> > > The brooding for one, you might want to work on.

> > I'm trying. Believe me.

> I'm sure Doyle is helping in that regard?

He is, yeah. Partially because he distracts me, keeps me busy, and partially because he can tell when I'm brooding, and then HE gets upset. And I don't want that. So I think I'm better. Having him back... it's made a big difference.

And I've got you to thank for it. Don't think I don't know that.

> > I just wish there was something I could do to make stuff better for you.

> You are. This... reclaiming the friendship we had, it's made things  
far better than I can put into words.

Good. I'm glad. I know we've all been through a lot, but we deserve to be happy.

There, see? All it takes for me to internalize something like that is for Doyle to repeat it a few hundred thousand times.

> > > Working with you, helping you, that has always been my choice.

It's really the first thing I could truly say that about. 

> > But still... I mean, even if you made the choice, that doesn't mean you  
always had to be happy about the way things went. It's okay to feel  
resentful. If you do, I'd rather you say it. You know?

> If I did, I would tell you, but I never have, not of helping you.

Okay. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad. It's good to know there's at least one thing I don't have to feel bad about.

> > > It's... nice. And weirdly, considering everything we've gone through and how far  
apart we'd got, it seems almost too easy. Not that I'm complaining.

> > You mean maybe we're just fooling ourselves?

It doesn't feel like that to me. But then, I could be wrong.

> I don't think we're fooling ourselves. It's just... it's going so  
well, so easily... I find myself waffling between waiting for the  
other shoe to drop and wondering why we took so long to get here.

I don't know either. I... you know that I care about you, right? I probably never said it the way I should have. Having you at my side all these years... it's meant a lot to me. That you had faith in me. That there was someone who chose to stick around and help. There's a lot that's happened between us, but I haven't stopped caring about you. I can't imagine doing that.

> > I'm thinking we're maybe going to come back a few days earlier than  
planned anyway. I think Doyle's coming down with something, or maybe he  
ate a bad clam and got food poisoning, I don't know. Last night he  
didn't look right -- kind of pale and funny, even though he insisted he  
was fine -- and then this morning he hardly touched his breakfast,  
which isn't like him. And right now he's taking a nap. I don't think he  
meant to... we were talking, and he curled up on the couch with his  
head in my lap, and next thing I knew he was asleep.

> Taking a nap while curled up with a lover while on vacation could just  
be Doyle taking advantage of said vacation.

Is he complaining of any symptoms?

It's possible he did get a bad clam as you said, but if it's only what  
you've mentioned here, it doesn't sound too serious. I wouldn't worry  
too much.

He just says it's nothing, but I can tell he's downplaying it. Don't get me wrong -- I don't think it's anything serious, but I DO think we probably should have had him checked out after he ended up in Cordy's body. Stuff goes wrong sometimes... what if something did  
here, and he needs... I don't know, vitamins or something? Ending up in someone else's body can take a lot out of you, I know that from personal experience, and...

Okay, I'm worried. I know it's probably nothing, but I'm worried. He's not eating like he should be, and he just seems... off. I can't really put it better than that.

> > Maybe there's such a thing as too much fresh air?

> Not that I've ever heard of.

Hey, come on. Give me something to work with here.

Has he said anything to you?

> > I don't know. I'm a little worried. It's probably nothing, but...

> If he isn't feeling better, then by all means come home. We can have  
the medical department here check him out, so they can confirm it's  
nothing and you can stop worrying.

He keeps telling me he's fine, that it's nothing. I'll give him another day, and if he's not better, I'll insist that we head home. It's only a couple of days until we were going to leave now anyway.

Thanks for listening. Some more reassurance wouldn't be out of place here.

\- Angel

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

> > Well I wasn't about to go spouting off all the intimate details in Wolfram and  
Hart's lobby or anything. People are going to have to ask before they get the  
good stuff. ;-)

> Yes, I understand. I suppose I should be grateful that you're capable  
of being so discreet. (Again, I'm smiling.)

Oh, I'm the very soul of discretion.

Though if you do ever want to hear the good stuff... ;-)

> > > I can certainly say in all honesty that I'm grateful you're here,  
regardless of what happened to make that the case. Both for myself and  
for Angel.

> > Thanks. Always nice to be wanted. :-)

> I'm very glad of your friendship.

That's mutual. In case you hadn't figured that out already.

> > > I suppose I can see that, yes. I'm sure things will get easier over  
time.

> > Yeah, I'm sure they will. Give us a few months -- possibly years -- and we'll  
look on all this as normal.

Yeah, probably not.

> Probably not. But at least in that amount of time you should expect for  
things to settle down and become less stressful.

Yeah, because the kind of lives we lead are usually so stress free.

I'm sure we'll all get used to it. I got used -- mostly -- to turning green and spiny every time I sneezed, this is just a matter of degree.

> > > I'd just hate to get in between the two of you -- for you to be sharing  
something with me because you felt it was too difficult to share it  
with him. I don't want to take anything away from him, you see. Well,  
not that I could in this case, but... I'm sure you understand.

> > It doesn't have to be an either or situation, y'know. I can talk to Angel *and*  
talk to you.

> I know. As long as you *are* doing both.

Believe me, I've made a career out of talking to Angel. And getting him to talk to me. Quite literally a career of it before I died. Now it's more personal. But at least I've got all this experience behind me.

> > But whatever body I'm wearing, I'm always going to be willing to  
listen. 

> The same holds true on this end. Whenever you need to talk, I'll be  
here.

Thanks. Always good to know there's a friendly ear out there when you need it.

> > Sounds like fun. I haven't forgotten about us talking about going out for a  
beer. Dragging Angel along will be... an accomplishment. I never was able to get  
him to go out for a drink with me back when I was alive the first time. And  
believe you me I tried.

> I'm sure it was quite a challenge. Between the two of us -- with  
reinforcements -- we just might be able to manage it.

A worthy goal to shoot for. I'm hoping using my feminine wiles (and having feminine wiles is a novelty that's taking some getting used to, believe me!) will help tip the scales on this one.

But reinforcements are always welcome.

> > > And I'm going to see if anyone would like to go for one tonight too,  
although I'm busy both trying not to get my hopes up and worrying that  
it might not turn out the way I'd like it to.

> > Or it could turn out to be a great evening.

But either way, let me know?

> It didn't pan out for last night -- scheduling conflicts -- but we're  
going to try again tonight. Wish us luck.

All the luck I can.

So how did it go?

> > > Terribly human. And I'm truly pleased that the two of you are happy. I  
don't begrudge you that at all.

> > I know. But thank you.

> You're welcome. You both deserve it.

I think that's the part that's taking the most getting used to -- the idea that I might actually deserve to find this kind of happiness -- weird, crazy and completely unbelievable but happiness nonetheless. I spent so much time feeling like I was doing a penance that would never be fully paid, it sometimes feels like I'm missing something.

And my dark and sordid past is nothing compared to Angel's so it's little wonder he's having problems letting go of it.

> > > I don't think it's the sort of thing you can work at exactly. But I  
appreciate the sentiment.

> > We'll start with that going out for a drink. Then we'll take it from  
there.

> All right. And by then who knows, there might be a nightly after-work  
drink routine already in place.

No, not likely, I know. But one can always hope.

Sounds like a tradition that is worth working towards if you ask me.

> How are you feeling? Angel said he thought you might have got a  
touch of food poisoning.

Angel's a big old worry wart.

But yeah, stomach's been just a bit unhappy with me the last day or so, nothing serious as I keep telling Angel. Not that he's listening. He's making noises about cutting our vacation short so he can drag me back to be poked and prodded.

I'm counting on you to be the sane rational one here and help me talk him out of it.

Doyle.

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > Well I wasn't about to go spouting off all the intimate details in Wolfram and  
Hart's lobby or anything. People are going to have to ask before they get the  
good stuff. ;-)

> > Yes, I understand. I suppose I should be grateful that you're capable  
of being so discreet. (Again, I'm smiling.) 

> Oh, I'm the very soul of discretion.

Though if you do ever want to hear the good stuff... ;-)

To be perfectly honest, I doubt that will happen.

> > I'm very glad of your friendship.

> That's mutual. In case you hadn't figured that out already.

Thank you. I'm absurdly pleased that you feel that way. I can't imagine that Angel and I would have worked things out between us if you hadn't been here, so I owe you for that as well.

> > > Yeah, I'm sure they will. Give us a few months -- possibly years -- and we'll  
look on all this as normal.

Yeah, probably not.

> > Probably not. But at least in that amount of time you should expect for  
things to settle down and become less stressful.

> Yeah, because the kind of lives we lead are usually so stress free.

There's stress and then there's stress. If you've a strong relationship as your base, I'd imagine that the "normal" stress of the sorts of lives we lead don't seem as bad.

> I'm sure we'll all get used to it. I got used -- mostly -- to turning  
green and spiny every time I sneezed, this is just a matter of  
degree.

Exactly. Your attitude there is just right, I think.

> > > It doesn't have to be an either or situation, y'know. I can talk to  
Angel *and* talk to you.

> > I know. As long as you *are* doing both.

> Believe me, I've made a career out of talking to Angel. And getting  
him to talk to me. Quite literally a career of it before I died. Now  
it's more personal. But at least I've got all this experience behind  
me.

You're certainly better at it than anyone else is. Cordelia managed occasionally, but I think it was more that she bullied him into it, and I suspect that was a less effective method in the long run. I'm just glad he has someone he can open up to that much. It's important for him.

> > The same holds true on this end. Whenever you need to talk, I'll be  
here.

> Thanks. Always good to know there's a friendly ear out there when you need it.

There is.

> > > Sounds like fun. I haven't forgotten about us talking about going out for a  
beer. Dragging Angel along will be... an accomplishment. I never was able to get  
him to go out for a drink with me back when I was alive the first time. And  
believe you me I tried.

> > I'm sure it was quite a challenge. Between the two of us -- with  
reinforcements -- we just might be able to manage it.

> A worthy goal to shoot for. I'm hoping using my feminine wiles (and  
having feminine wiles is a novelty that's taking some getting used to,  
believe me!) will help tip the scales on this one.

But reinforcements are always welcome.

He seems to think that getting me drunk and videotaping my behavior will be entertaining for some reason, so perhaps we can use that to our advantage.

> > > Or it could turn out to be a great evening.

But either way, let me know?

> > It didn't pan out for last night -- scheduling conflicts -- but we're  
going to try again tonight. Wish us luck.

> All the luck I can.

So how did it go?

Fine. Lorne and Gunn and I went out and had a few drinks. Nothing serious, and the conversation was mostly about work, but still, it was something.

> > You're welcome. You both deserve it.

> I think that's the part that's taking the most getting used to -- the  
idea that I might actually deserve to find this kind of happiness --  
weird, crazy and completely unbelievable but happiness nonetheless. I  
spent so much time feeling like I was doing a penance that would never  
be fully paid, it sometimes feels like I'm missing something.

And my dark and sordid past is nothing compared to Angel's so it's  
little wonder he's having problems letting go of it.

You'll be fine. I'm sure of it, because I find it totally unacceptable to think that either of you would have to go through anything else. It's only fair that you're happy together now.

> > All right. And by then who knows, there might be a nightly after-work  
drink routine already in place.

No, not likely, I know. But one can always hope.

> Sounds like a tradition that is worth working towards if you ask me.

I consider the first attempt a mild success, so that's something.

> > How are you feeling? Angel said he thought you might have got a  
touch of food poisoning.

> Angel's a big old worry wart.

Yes, I'll grant you that, he is. Where people he cares about are concerned, at least.

> But yeah, stomach's been just a bit unhappy with me the last day or  
so, nothing serious as I keep telling Angel. Not that he's listening.  
He's making noises about cutting our vacation short so he can drag me  
back to be poked and prodded.

Make sure you're only drinking bottled water -- sometimes the local water in an area can bother people who aren't used to it. That might be enough to make a difference right there, although if you *have* picked up something, chances are good that it will take a while to clear. Make sure you get enough sleep.

> I'm counting on you to be the sane rational one here and help me talk  
him out of it.

I did tell him that it's probably nothing, if that's any consolation.

On the other hand, if you start feeling worse, I know you'll be responsible and say so that you can come home and get yourself taken care of, no matter how unattractive the thought of poking and prodding is.

I hope you're feeling better by the time you get this.

\- Wesley

__________

To Wesley  
From Doyle

Hi Wes,

> > Oh, I'm the very soul of discretion.

Though if you do ever want to hear the good stuff... ;-)

> To be perfectly honest, I doubt that will happen.

Maybe after Angel gets you drunk...

> > > I'm very glad of your friendship.

> > That's mutual. In case you hadn't figured that out already.

> Thank you. I'm absurdly pleased that you feel that way. I can't imagine  
that Angel and I would have worked things out between us if you hadn't  
been here, so I owe you for that as well.

Ah, I'm sure you would've eventually. May have involved being locked together in a closet or something -- and don't think that didn't cross my mind as a possible solution at some points -- but I'm sure you would've got your collective heads out of your collective arses at some point.

> > > > Yeah, I'm sure they will. Give us a few months -- possibly years -- and we'll  
look on all this as normal.

Yeah, probably not.

> > > Probably not. But at least in that amount of time you should expect for  
things to settle down and become less stressful.

> > Yeah, because the kind of lives we lead are usually so stress free.

> There's stress and then there's stress. If you've a strong relationship  
as your base, I'd imagine that the "normal" stress of the sorts of  
lives we lead don't seem as bad.

Strong relationship huh? I guess I do have that now, huh? Been a while since the last time I could claim that.

> > I'm sure we'll all get used to it. I got used -- mostly -- to turning  
green and spiny every time I sneezed, this is just a matter of  
degree.

> Exactly. Your attitude there is just right, I think.

I seem to be getting some of these things right this time around. :-)

> > Believe me, I've made a career out of talking to Angel. And getting  
him to talk to me. Quite literally a career of it before I died. Now  
it's more personal. But at least I've got all this experience behind  
me.

> You're certainly better at it than anyone else is. Cordelia managed  
occasionally, but I think it was more that she bullied him into it, and  
I suspect that was a less effective method in the long run. I'm just  
glad he has someone he can open up to that much. It's important for him.

The trick, I've found, is to just ignore his (many) attempts at stopping the conversation. Eventually he starts talking back to get me to shut up for a minute or two.

Though he's developed a few new techniques to do that now too. ;-)

> > > > Sounds like fun. I haven't forgotten about us talking about going out for a  
beer. Dragging Angel along will be... an accomplishment. I never was able to get  
him to go out for a drink with me back when I was alive the first time. And  
believe you me I tried.

> > > I'm sure it was quite a challenge. Between the two of us -- with  
reinforcements -- we just might be able to manage it.

> > A worthy goal to shoot for. I'm hoping using my feminine wiles (and  
having feminine wiles is a novelty that's taking some getting used to,  
believe me!) will help tip the scales on this one.

But reinforcements are always welcome.

> He seems to think that getting me drunk and videotaping my behavior  
will be entertaining for some reason, so perhaps we can use that to our  
advantage.

He seems to be loosening up more than I thought. Is there something unusual about you while you're drunk that has him so curious?

> > So how did it go?

> Fine. Lorne and Gunn and I went out and had a few drinks. Nothing  
serious, and the conversation was mostly about work, but still, it was  
something.

You gotta start somewhere. Sounds like it was a pretty good first step.

> > > You're welcome. You both deserve it.

> > I think that's the part that's taking the most getting used to -- the  
idea that I might actually deserve to find this kind of happiness --  
weird, crazy and completely unbelievable but happiness nonetheless. I  
spent so much time feeling like I was doing a penance that would never  
be fully paid, it sometimes feels like I'm missing something.

And my dark and sordid past is nothing compared to Angel's so it's  
little wonder he's having problems letting go of it.

> You'll be fine. I'm sure of it, because I find it totally unacceptable  
to think that either of you would have to go through anything else.  
It's only fair that you're happy together now.

Listen to you. We'll make an optimist out of you yet. ;-)

> > > All right. And by then who knows, there might be a nightly after-work  
drink routine already in place.

No, not likely, I know. But one can always hope.

> > Sounds like a tradition that is worth working towards if you ask me.

> I consider the first attempt a mild success, so that's something.

It is. So does Angel want to videotape the others drunk as well or is it just a drunk Wesley that he has a fixation on?

> > > How are you feeling? Angel said he thought you might have got a  
touch of food poisoning.

> > Angel's a big old worry wart.

> Yes, I'll grant you that, he is. Where people he cares about are  
concerned, at least.

Still working on the optimist thing with him.

> > But yeah, stomach's been just a bit unhappy with me the last day or  
so, nothing serious as I keep telling Angel. Not that he's listening.  
He's making noises about cutting our vacation short so he can drag me  
back to be poked and prodded.

> Make sure you're only drinking bottled water -- sometimes the local  
water in an area can bother people who aren't used to it. That might be  
enough to make a difference right there, although if you *have* picked  
up something, chances are good that it will take a while to clear. Make  
sure you get enough sleep.

I've been doing that the last few days at least. Angel can be very soothing when he puts his mind to it. Can have me dropping off with just a few minutes when he tries. It's almost embarrassing.

> > I'm counting on you to be the sane rational one here and help me talk  
him out of it.

> I did tell him that it's probably nothing, if that's any consolation.

Thank you.

> On the other hand, if you start feeling worse, I know you'll be  
responsible and say so that you can come home and get yourself taken  
care of, no matter how unattractive the thought of poking and prodding  
is.

Okay, now you're starting to sound like him.

> I hope you're feeling better by the time you get this.

I'm not feeling any worse.

Doyle.  
__________

To: Doyle  
From: Wesley

Hello Doyle.

> > > Though if you do ever want to hear the good stuff... ;-)

> > To be perfectly honest, I doubt that will happen.

> Maybe after Angel gets you drunk... 

Is there some reason you're so interested in sharing those personal details? Let me add, as an attempt to deflect the typical problem of written correspondence, that I'm not upset, merely curious.

> > Thank you. I'm absurdly pleased that you feel that way. I can't imagine  
that Angel and I would have worked things out between us if you hadn't  
been here, so I owe you for that as well.

> Ah, I'm sure you would've eventually. May have involved being locked  
together in a closet or something -- and don't think that didn't cross  
my mind as a possible solution at some points -- but I'm sure you  
would've got your collective heads out of your collective arses at  
some point.

Possibly, but I find it difficult to believe. Either way, I'm grateful.

> > > Yeah, because the kind of lives we lead are usually so stress free.

> > There's stress and then there's stress. If you've a strong relationship  
as your base, I'd imagine that the "normal" stress of the sorts of  
lives we lead don't seem as bad.

> Strong relationship huh? I guess I do have that now, huh? Been a while  
since the last time I could claim that.

It certainly seems strong from where I'm standing. (Or sitting, as the case may be.) You're both so committed to making things work out. I do think that's necessary for a successful relationship -- the ability to acknowledge that there are hard times, downswings as well as up.

> > Exactly. Your attitude there is just right, I think.

> I seem to be getting some of these things right this time around. :-)

Most of them, I'd say.

> > You're certainly better at it than anyone else is. Cordelia managed  
occasionally, but I think it was more that she bullied him into it, and  
I suspect that was a less effective method in the long run. I'm just  
glad he has someone he can open up to that much. It's important for him.

> The trick, I've found, is to just ignore his (many) attempts at  
stopping the conversation. Eventually he starts talking back to get me  
to shut up for a minute or two.

Though he's developed a few new techniques to do that now too. ;-) 

I can see why Cordelia had some luck then -- she did have a talent for ignoring what one said if it didn't suit her purpose. She must have put it to good use with Angel.

> > > A worthy goal to shoot for. I'm hoping using my feminine wiles (and  
having feminine wiles is a novelty that's taking some getting used to,  
believe me!) will help tip the scales on this one.

But reinforcements are always welcome.

> > He seems to think that getting me drunk and videotaping my behavior  
will be entertaining for some reason, so perhaps we can use that to our  
advantage.

> He seems to be loosening up more than I thought. Is there something  
unusual about you while you're drunk that has him so curious?

He seems to think so, but no. It depends on the situation, really, but... well, alcohol is a depressant, and for the most part, that's what it does. There are exceptions -- or there have been, in the past -- but in general I tend to do a remarkable job of imitating certain brooding vampires we both know and... we both know.

> > Fine. Lorne and Gunn and I went out and had a few drinks. Nothing  
serious, and the conversation was mostly about work, but still, it was  
something.

> You gotta start somewhere. Sounds like it was a pretty good first step.

Yes, it was fine. At least we managed to talk outside the office, so it's an improvement.

> > > I think that's the part that's taking the most getting used to -- the  
idea that I might actually deserve to find this kind of happiness --  
weird, crazy and completely unbelievable but happiness nonetheless. I  
spent so much time feeling like I was doing a penance that would never  
be fully paid, it sometimes feels like I'm missing something.

And my dark and sordid past is nothing compared to Angel's so it's  
little wonder he's having problems letting go of it.

> > You'll be fine. I'm sure of it, because I find it totally unacceptable  
to think that either of you would have to go through anything else.  
It's only fair that you're happy together now.

> Listen to you. We'll make an optimist out of you yet. ;-)

Do you think so? I used to fancy myself quite an optimist actually, on the outside at least, but I fear those days are long gone.

> It is. So does Angel want to videotape the others drunk as well or is  
it just a drunk Wesley that he has a fixation on?

As far as I know it's just me, but I could be wrong. We don't spend a lot of time talking about the others really, so perhaps the topic just hasn't come up as far as they're concerned.

I'll try to remember to ask him.

> > > Angel's a big old worry wart.

> > Yes, I'll grant you that, he is. Where people he cares about are  
concerned, at least.

> Still working on the optimist thing with him.

He's worried about you. While I agree that he may be going overboard a bit with the current situation, I wouldn't try to convince him to stop worrying about you altogether. I don't blame him.

> > Make sure you're only drinking bottled water -- sometimes the local  
water in an area can bother people who aren't used to it. That might be  
enough to make a difference right there, although if you *have* picked  
up something, chances are good that it will take a while to clear. Make  
sure you get enough sleep.

> I've been doing that the last few days at least. Angel can be very  
soothing when he puts his mind to it. Can have me dropping off with  
just a few minutes when he tries. It's almost embarrassing.

You may just be adjusting to being in Cordelia's body. She did spend a number of months in what amounted to stasis, after all, and that may have lowered her reserves, made your physical body a bit less capable of bouncing back when overtired.

> > I did tell him that it's probably nothing, if that's any consolation.

> Thank you.

You're welcome. But I feel that it's only fair to point out that, if I felt it were necessary, I'd be standing right beside him insisting that you seek medical attention. We're both on your side, even if it feels as if we're being unreasonable.

> > On the other hand, if you start feeling worse, I know you'll be  
responsible and say so that you can come home and get yourself taken  
care of, no matter how unattractive the thought of poking and prodding  
is.

> Okay, now you're starting to sound like him.

I hope not. I tend to use bigger words, for one thing.

> > I hope you're feeling better by the time you get this.

> I'm not feeling any worse.

That's hardly reassuring. Please take care of yourself.

\- Wesley

__________

To Angel  
From Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > Why, Angel, are you saying you want to get me drunk?

But really, I doubt any video would be interesting. Just me sitting  
and drinking and getting progressively broodier.

> Well, yeah. Because it could be fun. Not, you know, insanely drunk, but  
no matter what you say, I think when you're that drunk you're probably  
entertaining. I can't picture it making you all broody.

Does it?

When I drink to excess I usually seem to end up in a dark corner with a bottle of single malt or the equivalent, thinking dark thoughts.

All right, I take it back. It's not that being drunk makes me all broody. It's that being drunk makes me imitate a certain broody vampire of my acquaintance.

But if you truly want to see me drunk... I make no promises. But we can go out for a drink or two and see where that goes.

> > The problem being, I don't know if I consider spending time figuring  
you out a habit I want to break.

> I... okay, somehow I think I'm supposed to have something pithy to say  
here. (Is pithy even a word? Does it mean what I think it means? A  
dictionary could be a thing.) Anyway... why?

Because you are someone that is more than necessary. You're unique. And despite everything you've been through you still continue to do what you can to help and to fight the good fight. I'm sure I would be fascinated by you even if I didn't consider you a friend.

As for the pithy question:

pitháy  
adj. pitháiáer, pitháiáest

1\. Precisely meaningful; forceful and brief: a pithy comment.  
2\. Consisting of or resembling pith.

Would you like the definition in any other languages as well?

> > And from where I am sitting, you and Doyle seem to be working things  
out just fine.

> Yeah. Things are okay for now. I just worry. I've managed to destroy  
everything good that ever came into my life, pretty much, and I can't  
help but think that he's next in line.

You haven't. And you won't. I've seen the way Doyle looks at you, and I've certainly heard him when he talks about you. Do you really think there's anything you can do to scare him off?

> I feel sick just thinking about it. Which is why I try not to, since  
Doyle can tell when I'm getting upset about something.

Perhaps you should talk to him about this?

> > I have no idea really. But I fear this sort of profession is another  
ingrained habit. It's not exactly what I saw myself doing when I  
thought about it as a boy, but I'm still helping, still fighting those  
forces of darkness that threaten, if I can be that dramatic. In some  
ways this is better than being a Watcher would have been.

> But if you want to be doing something else... we can figure something  
out, Wes. Honest.

I don't want to do anything else, Angel.

But I'm beginning to wonder if you want me to do something else...

> > > Yeah. Different schedule, longer hours -- well, longer officially  
anyway. Getting settled into a new routine is a lot of work all on its  
own. Maybe now that things are a little less crazy, we'll get back into  
the habit?

> > Do things ever get less crazy? Or is it just the type of craziness  
changes?

> Hell, I don't know. But then, I try to figure I'm not a good example of  
what life is like for the world at large -- how could I be?

I don't think any of us have anything remotely approaching what would be considered a normal life by the world at large.

> What's crazy now?

Actually, things are remarkably calm right now, at least for us. I expect they would still seem rather crazy to, say, a typical schoolteacher from the American midwest.

> > Nonetheless making an effort at reconnecting wouldn't be a bad thing.

> Then we'll do it. As soon as Doyle and I get back, we should all sit  
down together and talk about it. Really talk, I mean. As much as we can.

Ever think you'd hear me say something like that?

It isn't the first thing I would predict you saying.

Doyle's influence has been good for you.

> > > > The brooding for one, you might want to work on.

> > > I'm trying. Believe me.

> > I'm sure Doyle is helping in that regard?

> He is, yeah. Partially because he distracts me, keeps me busy, and  
partially because he can tell when I'm brooding, and then HE gets  
upset. And I don't want that. So I think I'm better. Having him back...  
it's made a big difference.

I'm glad.

> And I've got you to thank for it. Don't think I don't know that.

Doyle is an extraordinary individual. I'm glad to have been of whatever assistance I have been.

> > > I just wish there was something I could do to make stuff better for  
you.

> > You are. This... reclaiming the friendship we had, it's made things  
far better than I can put into words.

> Good. I'm glad. I know we've all been through a lot, but we deserve to  
be happy.

There, see? All it takes for me to internalize something like that is  
for Doyle to repeat it a few hundred thousand times.

That you have at all means there's hope for anyone.

> > > > Working with you, helping you, that has always been my choice.

It's really the first thing I could truly say that about.

> > > But still... I mean, even if you made the choice, that doesn't mean you  
always had to be happy about the way things went. It's okay to feel  
resentful. If you do, I'd rather you say it. You know?

> > If I did, I would tell you, but I never have, not of helping you.

> Okay. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad. It's good to know there's  
at least one thing I don't have to feel bad about.

On the contrary, you've done a lot of things you should feel extremely good about.

> > > > It's... nice. And weirdly, considering everything we've gone through  
and how far  
apart we'd got, it seems almost too easy. Not that I'm complaining.

> > > You mean maybe we're just fooling ourselves?

It doesn't feel like that to me. But then, I could be wrong.

> > I don't think we're fooling ourselves. It's just... it's going so  
well, so easily... I find myself waffling between waiting for the  
other shoe to drop and wondering why we took so long to get here.

> I don't know either. I... you know that I care about you, right? I  
probably never said it the way I should have. Having you at my side all  
these years... it's meant a lot to me. That you had faith in me. That  
there was someone who chose to stick around and help. There's a lot  
that's happened between us, but I haven't stopped caring about you. I  
can't imagine doing that.

Thank you. I know I've made mistakes -- some with horrible consequences -- things I would give anything to be able to take back. It means a lot to me that after everything that has happened, you can still say that.

It's the same for me, I hope you realise. That I care for you, I mean. You had faith in me and gave me a chance when no one else would -- when I wasn't sure I had faith in myself. I don't know if I've ever been able to convey just how grateful I am for that.

> > Taking a nap while curled up with a lover while on vacation could just  
be Doyle taking advantage of said vacation.

Is he complaining of any symptoms?

It's possible he did get a bad clam as you said, but if it's only what  
you've mentioned here, it doesn't sound too serious. I wouldn't worry  
too much.

> He just says it's nothing, but I can tell he's downplaying it. Don't  
get me wrong -- I don't think it's anything serious, but I DO think we  
probably should have had him checked out after he ended up in Cordy's  
body. Stuff goes wrong sometimes... what if something did here, and he  
needs... I don't know, vitamins or something? Ending up in someone  
else's body can take a lot out of you, I know that from personal  
experience, and...

Okay, I'm worried. I know it's probably nothing, but I'm worried. He's  
not eating like he should be, and he just seems... off. I can't really  
put it better than that.

We'll have medical check him out when you get back. I'm sure it's nothing but it can't hurt to make certain.

> > > Maybe there's such a thing as too much fresh air?

> > Not that I've ever heard of.

> Hey, come on. Give me something to work with here.

Has he said anything to you?

He mentioned having some stomach problems. I suggested he avoid local water and try to drink only the bottled kind; it's possible that that's all it is.

> > > I don't know. I'm a little worried. It's probably nothing, but...

> > If he isn't feeling better, then by all means come home. We can have  
the medical department here check him out, so they can confirm it's  
nothing and you can stop worrying.

> He keeps telling me he's fine, that it's nothing. I'll give him another  
day, and if he's not better, I'll insist that we head home. It's only a  
couple of days until we were going to leave now anyway.

That sounds like a prudent plan.

> Thanks for listening. Some more reassurance wouldn't be out of place here.

I'm sure he's fine, Angel. Even if Doyle has picked up a stomach bug or has come under the weather in some other way, I'm sure it's nothing that can't be taken care of quickly.

Try to enjoy the rest of your vacation.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

> > Well, yeah. Because it could be fun. Not, you know, insanely drunk, but  
no matter what you say, I think when you're that drunk you're probably  
entertaining. I can't picture it making you all broody.

Does it?

> When I drink to excess I usually seem to end up in a dark corner with  
a bottle of single malt or the equivalent, thinking dark thoughts.

All right, I take it back. It's not that being drunk makes me all  
broody. It's that being drunk makes me imitate a certain broody  
vampire of my acquaintance.

But if you truly want to see me drunk... I make no promises. But we  
can go out for a drink or two and see where that goes.

Hey, if you're not comfortable with it, we won't do it. I thought it would be, you know, something to do. Loosen you up. Not that you're uptight. Okay, I should shut up now, shouldn't I.

> > > The problem being, I don't know if I consider spending time figuring  
you out a habit I want to break.

> > I... okay, somehow I think I'm supposed to have something pithy to say  
here. (Is pithy even a word? Does it mean what I think it means? A  
dictionary could be a thing.) Anyway... why?

> Because you are someone that is more than necessary. You're unique.  
And despite everything you've been through you still continue to do  
what you can to help and to fight the good fight. I'm sure I would be  
fascinated by you even if I didn't consider you a friend.

I'm... fascinating?

I kind of like the idea of that.

Thanks.

> As for the pithy question:

pitháy  
adj. pitháiáer, pitháiáest

1\. Precisely meaningful; forceful and brief: a pithy comment.  
2\. Consisting of or resembling pith.

Would you like the definition in any other languages as well?

Nope, not necessary. And no, it didn't really mean what I thought it did. Guess I should leave the big words to you.

> > Yeah. Things are okay for now. I just worry. I've managed to destroy  
everything good that ever came into my life, pretty much, and I can't  
help but think that he's next in line.

> You haven't. And you won't. I've seen the way Doyle looks at you, and  
I've certainly heard him when he talks about you. Do you really think  
there's anything you can do to scare him off?

Um... yeah. There probably is. I'm not being fatalistic or whatever, I just think it's true. He's said that that's not going to happen to him, and I... well, I want him so much that I can't imagine anything that would make me walk away. It'd take something pretty big to convince me that he'd be better off without me, and most of that's due to the fact that he's really good at making me believe that he wants me that much too.

> > I feel sick just thinking about it. Which is why I try not to, since  
Doyle can tell when I'm getting upset about something.

> Perhaps you should talk to him about this?

We have, a little bit. But then HE gets upset too -- he tries to act like it doesn't bother him, but I can tell he's just, you know, suppressing it so that I can get it off my chest. So it seems cruel to keep bringing it up.

> > But if you want to be doing something else... we can figure something  
out, Wes. Honest.

> I don't want to do anything else, Angel.

But I'm beginning to wonder if you want me to do something else...

No. No, of course not. God, I don't even know what I'd do without you. Seriously. No.

Do I need to say it a few more times?

No. I don't want you doing anything else.

> > > Do things ever get less crazy? Or is it just the type of craziness  
changes?

> > Hell, I don't know. But then, I try to figure I'm not a good example of  
what life is like for the world at large -- how could I be?

> I don't think any of us have anything remotely approaching what would  
be considered a normal life by the world at large.

> > What's crazy now?

> Actually, things are remarkably calm right now, at least for us. I  
expect they would still seem rather crazy to, say, a typical  
schoolteacher from the American midwest.

Okay, fair enough. I still think a souled vampire is further away on the scale from normal than any human, but I get your point.

> > > Nonetheless making an effort at reconnecting wouldn't be a bad thing.

> > Then we'll do it. As soon as Doyle and I get back, we should all sit  
down together and talk about it. Really talk, I mean. As much as we can.

Ever think you'd hear me say something like that?

> It isn't the first thing I would predict you saying.

Doyle's influence has been good for you.

Yeah, I think so too. I've got the better end of the deal, that's for sure.

> > > I'm sure Doyle is helping in that regard?

> > He is, yeah. Partially because he distracts me, keeps me busy, and  
partially because he can tell when I'm brooding, and then HE gets  
upset. And I don't want that. So I think I'm better. Having him back...  
it's made a big difference.

> I'm glad.

Me too. I think. Most of the time.

It's not that I LIKE brooding, so much as I'm just... used to it. It feels normal to me. But I'll do whatever he needs, you know?

> > > You are. This... reclaiming the friendship we had, it's made things  
far better than I can put into words.

> > Good. I'm glad. I know we've all been through a lot, but we deserve to  
be happy.

There, see? All it takes for me to internalize something like that is  
for Doyle to repeat it a few hundred thousand times.

> That you have at all means there's hope for anyone.

Thanks a lot.

> > Okay. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad. It's good to know there's  
at least one thing I don't have to feel bad about.

> On the contrary, you've done a lot of things you should feel extremely  
good about.

Most of the time it's easier to remember the bad stuff. Guess that's what the gypsies were thinking when they gave me the soul, huh?

I do know there's been good stuff.

> > I don't know either. I... you know that I care about you, right? I  
probably never said it the way I should have. Having you at my side all  
these years... it's meant a lot to me. That you had faith in me. That  
there was someone who chose to stick around and help. There's a lot  
that's happened between us, but I haven't stopped caring about you. I  
can't imagine doing that.

> Thank you. I know I've made mistakes -- some with horrible  
consequences -- things I would give anything to be able to take back.  
It means a lot to me that after everything that has happened, you can  
still say that.

It's the same for me, I hope you realise. That I care for you, I mean.  
You had faith in me and gave me a chance when no one else would --  
when I wasn't sure I had faith in myself. I don't know if I've ever  
been able to convey just how grateful I am for that.

You just needed someone to give you a chance, Wes. With the one exception, I came out on the better end of the deal, I think, and in the end I have to tell myself that even that worked out for the best.

Really.

> > He just says it's nothing, but I can tell he's downplaying it. Don't  
get me wrong -- I don't think it's anything serious, but I DO think we  
probably should have had him checked out after he ended up in Cordy's  
body. Stuff goes wrong sometimes... what if something did here, and he  
needs... I don't know, vitamins or something? Ending up in someone  
else's body can take a lot out of you, I know that from personal  
experience, and...

Okay, I'm worried. I know it's probably nothing, but I'm worried. He's  
not eating like he should be, and he just seems... off. I can't really  
put it better than that.

> We'll have medical check him out when you get back. I'm sure it's  
nothing but it can't hurt to make certain.

It's still early, and I snuck out of bed to try to let him get some more sleep. He hardly ate anything at dinner last night, and he fell asleep right after we... you know. I don't know. I was going to wait and see how he was this morning.

> > Has he said anything to you?

> He mentioned having some stomach problems. I suggested he avoid local  
water and try to drink only the bottled kind; it's possible that that's all it is.

I guess it could be.

Hang on.

Okay, I've gotta go. I heard him stirring in the bedroom and went in there just in time to catch him throwing up in the bathroom. That's it, I'm bringing him home whether he likes it or not -- he looks like hell, I think he's losing weight, and I don't care if it turns out to be nothing, I want to hear the doctor tell me he's okay.

We'll leave as soon as we can get our stuff together.

See you soon.

\- Angel


	28. Chapter 28

Angel sighed and rubbed the back of his neck as Harmony dropped off yet another pile of reports and paperwork that needed his attention. At least she kept her mouth shut this time -- she'd been particularly perky and cheerful all morning, driving him crazy with her constant interruptions until he'd finally snapped at her and told her that if she said another word he'd fire her.

Guess she'd got the message.

Doyle was up in their apartment, supposedly taking it easy on doctor's orders. As soon as they'd gotten back from their vacation, he'd been ceremoniously delivered to the medical department of Wolfram and Hart, where a bunch of tests had been run. It hadn't taken long, and once it was taken care of, Angel had insisted that he go back upstairs and spend the day doing anything that wouldn't tire him out.

Doyle had, of course, continued to insist that he was fine, but he'd eventually agreed to spend the day relaxing. When Angel had snuck up there just after lunch time, he'd found Doyle curled up asleep on the bed, looking pale but peaceful. He hadn't had the heart to wake him.

He sighed again as he looked at the mountain of paperwork on his desk. Maybe this was one of the bad things about vacations -- they were nice, but when you got back to work, you had to spend days, maybe weeks, catching up again.

Or maybe that was only the case when you were the boss.

A blue envelope in the new pile caught his attention -- he wasn't used to seeing that color -- and he snagged it, leaning against the edge of the desk as he noted that it was from the medical department and opened it up.

There were a number of pieces of paper with Doyle's test results inside. Cholesterol normal, white cells count normal, TSH -- whatever the hell that was -- normal. Iron count was on the low side, which Angel felt more than a twinge of guilt over, even though he hadn't so much as tasted Doyle's blood since he'd gotten sick, and there should have been plenty of time for it to build itself up by now.

Then his eyes came to rest on the bottom line, and he had to grope for his chair, falling down onto it so heavily that it creaked.

Angel felt numb for one long, almost blissful moment, and then sheer terror, icy cold and constricting, swept through him.

No.

"Angel?" Wesley's voice shook Angel out of staring at Doyle's file and he looked up to see his friend hovering in the doorway. "Am I interrupting? I did knock but..."

Swallowing hard, Angel slid the papers back into the envelope quickly, trying to act casual as he did so. "Wes. Yeah, sorry. What?"

Wes stepped further into the office. "I just wanted to brief you on what happened when you were gone, but it can wait." He looked at Angel and frowned. "Are you all right?"

He had to pull himself together -- it was obvious that Wesley could tell something was wrong, and he didn't want that. "Yeah, I'm fine." He attempted a smile, trying to concentrate on convincing Wesley that everything was okay. "And actually, I've got some stuff to do. Maybe we can do the briefing thing tomorrow?"

"Of course." But Wes was still frowning at him. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong? You look..."

Angel grinned sheepishly, hoping to cover up the shock he felt by admitting to a lesser crime. "I'm fine, just... well, maybe I'm finding it a little bit harder to be back than I thought I would. After all that rest and relaxation, being here's... kind of stressful."

Wes relaxed a little at that and nodded in agreement. "It certainly is no day -- or night -- at the beach. It can be difficult to get back into the routine."

"Yeah, exactly. The routine." Relieved that he seemed to be on the right track, Angel tried desperately to think of what would work to get him out of the office as soon as possible. This was all just... too much. He wanted to think that it couldn't really be happening, but he knew that it was. "Look, I've got this thing. This, um... meeting. That I have to go to."

"Anything I can help with?"

Trying to keep his voice calm, Angel said, "Nah, it's fine. Just, you know, like you said... getting back into the routine." He stood up, looking at Wesley. "But I should really get going. I'll be back later... maybe we can talk then?"

"Of course," Wes said again, his expression beginning to turn concerned. "Are... How is Doyle doing?"

Angel couldn't help but smile more genuinely just at the mention of Doyle's name, even under the circumstances. "He's okay. I went up and checked on him a little while ago and he was sleeping." He hesitated, then said, "Wes? You know that I really appreciate everything you've done for me and Doyle, right?"

"I really haven't done that much," Wes demurred, but Angel could see the pleasure in Wesley's eyes at being acknowledged.

"You have," he insisted. "And... well, I just want you to know that it means a lot to me. And if I ever... if anything ever happened to me -- not that I'm saying it will -- I'd hope you'd, you know... keep an eye on him for me. Make sure he was okay."

"The best way to do that is to make sure nothing happens to you in the first place."

Angel frowned -- that hadn't sounded like a yes. But he knew he couldn't chance going into any more detail, not if he wanted to avoid suspicion. The cold pit of fear in his stomach made him want to put as much distance between himself and here as possible.

He knew what he was going to do. He just didn't want to admit it to himself, not yet.

"Don't worry," Angel said. "Nothing's going to happen to me." He came around the desk and patted Wesley on the shoulder on his way toward the door. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Wes looked like he was going to protest, but in the end he merely nodded. "I look forward to it."

"Okay." Angel felt like he needed to say something else. "Thanks. For everything." Then, before Wesley could reply, he turned and walked out of the office, heading for the elevator and the decision he hadn't even acknowledged he'd made.

* * * * *

When Doyle arrived in the doorway to Wesley's office, the other man was working studiously, his head bent over the notes that he was scribbling onto a legal-sized pad of paper. He must have made enough noise to get Wesley's attention, though, because Wesley looked up at him, then smiled. "Doyle. How are you?"

"I'm good," Doyle said, returning the smile. He meant it too; spending the afternoon sleeping seemed to have finally had him shaking the tiredness that had been dogging him the last week. "Figured I'd find you nose-deep in books."

"Yes, well... part of the job, I'm afraid." Wesley stood up and gestured at one of the other chairs. "Would you like to sit down?"

"Actually I seemed to have misplaced a vampire and was wondering if you'd seen him - tall, dark, tendency to go all broody?"

Wesley looked thoughtful. "I haven't seen him since early this afternoon. I take it you checked his office?"

"Yeah. No joy." He'd taken the elevator down that let out in Angel's office actually, hoping to surprise him and maybe talk him into taking a bit more vacation time back upstairs only to find an empty office. "His secretary wasn't much help either. I think I confused her; she kept calling me Cordy and trying to hug me and asking when I got the colored contacts."

"Harmony," Wesley said, sounding mildly exasperated. "That's about par for the course where she's concerned, I'm afraid. I'll have a word with her." He reached for the phone, leaving Doyle to wonder if he'd meant 'right now,' but when she answered, Wesley just said, "Harmony. I'm trying to locate Angel. Yes, I know. But he had a meeting earlier today -- just after lunchtime. Can you tell me where and with whom?" There was a pause. "I see. Are you sure? All right." He hung up the phone, his expression slightly troubled.

"That's not a good expression," Doyle observed, starting to get worried by proxy. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sure it's nothing," Wesley said.

"Well good. Then there's no reason for you not to tell me what that nothing is."

"It's just... when I saw Angel earlier, he told me that he had a meeting this afternoon," Wesley said. "But Harmony says there weren't any meetings on his schedule for today."

Which meant that whatever Angel was doing, it was probably dangerous. Doyle wondered if he could get some kind of homing device to plant on the vampire so he could track him the next time this happened. But for now, he was going to have to do it the old fashioned way. "Right," Doyle said, nodding decisively. "So it's rifle his office looking for a clue to what kind of trouble Angel's got himself in this time. You want to tag along?"

"Of course," Wesley said, joining him as he headed for the door. "You think he's off doing something he didn't want to tell anyone about?"

"Why else would he go off without telling anybody or leaving a message?" Doyle asked as they headed down the corridor towards Angel's office.

"I don't know." Wesley sounded frustrated again. "I should have known he was up to something. He seemed... upset. He tried to tell me it was because he was adjusting to being back at work, but..."

"Yeah. He's off looking for trouble."

"Whatever it is, he must have known it was the wrong thing to do. That we'd have tried to talk him out of it." They reached the door to Angel's office, which Doyle had left open when he'd gone through, and Wesley hung back to let Doyle enter the room first.

Doyle did so, looking closer at things than he had before, trying to see if there was something that was doing the inanimate object equivalent of jumping up and down and yelling "Here! I'm a clue!"

The desk seemed the most obvious place to start, but it was so cluttered with piles of papers and folders and various colored envelopes that the task seemed daunting. Still, Doyle moved over to it and began to shuffle through one pile, figuring that at the very least any clues to where Angel had gone would be close to the top if they'd been left behind at all.

"He didn't say anything to you the last time you saw him?" Wesley asked. "Anything suspicious?"

Doyle shook his head. "Nope. Just telling me repeatedly to take it easy and relax. Like I hadn't heard him the first couple dozen of times."

"I'm sorry," Wesley said, coming over to the desk and looking down at all the paperwork. "I should have called him on it when I noticed his behavior was off."

Doyle waved that off. "I don't know if I would've either. Sometimes you have to give the people you care about the benefit of a doubt."

Hesitantly, as if he was uncomfortable going through Angel's things even despite the situation, Wesley began to flip through the pages at the top of one pile. "I wonder if anyone saw him leave," he said. "Maybe, if we knew which direction he was headed..."

"Could check with building security. They'd be keeping track of all the exits, wouldn't they?" Not seeing anything else to look through, Doyle moved over to the desk as well and started looking through another pile of files.

"Yes," Wesley agreed. He paused, then he picked up a blue envelope that was sitting on the desk. "Angel was looking through this when I interrupted him earlier."

"Yeah?" Doyle looked up from a rather boring report about demonic accounting. "What is it?"

"Different colored envelopes are from different departments," Wesley explained, opening the envelope and removing the papers that were inside. A moment later, he said, "They're your medical reports," and offered the printed sheets to Doyle.

"What could they possibly say to send Angel haring off like that?" Doyle asked, trying to ignore the sudden unease that struck him. He took the papers and joked, "What, am I dying or something?" Then looked down and read them.

And blinked.

And read it again.

"Doyle?" he heard Wesley saying. "Doyle. What is it?" Wesley's hand was under his elbow, supporting him.

"This can't be right," Doyle finally said, finding his voice. "Someone else's results must've got mixed up."

"What does it say?" Wesley sounded worried now.

"It says that I'm pregnant." A laugh escaped Doyle which he quickly clamped down on because it sounded far too close to hysterical for his liking.

"But you couldn't possibly... that is, *Angel* couldn't possibly..." He could hear the shock in Wesley's voice too. "Here, sit down."

Yes, sitting might be a good thing, Doyle thought as he settled numbly in the chair behind Angel's desk. "It's got to be wrong."

"Vampires can't have children," Wesley said. "But you... there wasn't... anyone else?" He asked it hesitantly as if aware that the question might be met with outrage.

"Yeah, I came back in Cordy's body and decided I wanted to sleep around," Doyle replied sarcastically.

"I'm sorry," Wesley said, his voice gentle now. "It was important for me to know, if we're going to find out what's happening. Here, let me see the test results." He took the papers back from Doyle's hand and looked at them. "You do have detectable levels of HCG in your blood. I take it you haven't... menstruated since you've been back?"

"Uh, no," Doyle replied, feeling his face heat at the awkwardness of the subject. "But male half demon put into a female body that had also been made half demon... Maybe those readings are just normal for this body?"

"I wouldn't think so. Human chorionic gonadotropin -- HCG -- is a hormone made only during pregnancy. It would, for example, be present in the blood for some time after a miscarriage, but unless that were the case, it really wouldn't be detectable other than when a woman," Wesley hesitated, then went on, "is pregnant."

"But-"

"And you've been feeling ill," Wesley pointed out. "I suppose there's a small chance that Cordelia was already pregnant somehow when you entered... er, when she gave her body over to..." He cleared his throat. "When you came back."

"Ya think she would've mentioned that at the time," Doyle said weakly, the possibility this could be real starting to sink in.

"I do think she would have, yes," Wesley agreed, crouching down beside Doyle's chair and looking at him. "And I think she would have known, if it were the case then. The levels of hormone in your blood... they're consistent with a pregnancy that would have started in the time you've been back."

Doyle took a deep breath, trying to just think about this rationally and save the freaking out for later. "Y'know, you said vampires can't have children, but that's not entirely true. We both know one vampire who's fathered a child before..."

"I know." Wesley said it so quietly that it was hard to hear.

Doyle laughed again, the sound of it still not quite right. "Nobody told me it wasn't a one time thing."

"I'm sorry," Wesley said. "If I'd even suspected that it might have been possible..."

"What?" Doyle stared at the other man in disbelief. "I don't think there's any interpretation of events that could even remotely make this your fault."

"I should have realized it was a possibility, no matter how remote," Wesley insisted. "But in any case, we should focus on the situation, not on what led us here." His eyes met Doyle's. "Angel saw this report."

Angel's absence suddenly made complete sense. "Man, he must be totally freaked."

"I'd think that would be putting it mildly." Wesley was still looking at him carefully. "Are you all right? I know this must be a terrible shock."

Was he all right? Doyle tried to take inner stock and finally had to admit, "I don't know. I don't think it's really sunk in yet."

"Don't worry -- everything will be fine." Wesley frowned as if aware that this particular platitude was relatively useless. "Once Angel has had a chance to calm down a bit, you and he can... discuss the situation and decide what course of action you'd like to take."

"Yeah." Maybe by the time Angel got back Doyle would have got through this total disbelief.

Wesley put a hand on his arm. "Can I get you anything? A glass of water?"

Doyle laughed, not unkindly. "I'm pregnant, not dehydrated." Hearing himself say that made it more real somehow and he shook his head, feeling for the first time more wonder than disbelief. "I'm pregnant," he repeated, the wonder making it into his voice.

"Sit here as long as you need to, and then tell me what you want to do next." Wesley's presence was soothing, at least. Better than if he'd been alone, not that he should have to be.

What did he want to do next? The only thing that came to mind, the single overpowering thought was, "Angel. I need to talk to Angel. He's got to be so..."

"I'm sure he's just as surprised as you are, and quite possibly more upset. But it's all right. We'll find him. He won't have gone far -- I'm sure he just needed some time to think."

"Yeah." He laughed weakly again. "Just as I almost had him convinced that nothing was going to happen."

"This doesn't have to be something bad," Wesley said. "You have a variety of options open to you."

"Yeah, I know. I just... I need to talk to Angel before I consider any of them."

"Oh, I know. I apologize. I wasn't trying to imply that you needed to make any decisions now... I just..." Wesley swallowed back the rest of his words and patted Doyle's arm again. "I'm trying to help. I suppose I'm not doing a very good job of it."

"Would you stop that?" Doyle asked exasperated. "It's not your fault, and you are helping just be being here? Ya think there's anyone else 'sides Angel I want to talking about this to just yet?"

"No, of course not. I'm sorry." Wesley stood up, but he seemed less apologetic and more straightforward again. He leaned against the desk and appeared to wait for Doyle to decide that he was ready to do something other than sit there.

Which Doyle decided he really should work on doing. If he could just come up with something to do...

After a few more moments, Wesley suggested, "Perhaps you could stay here while I look for Angel?"

"I'll go with-" Doyle began standing up, but broke off, thinking of what Angel's reaction would be if he came back and Doyle wasn't there. "I'll wait upstairs," he said instead. "In case you miss him and he comes back on his own."

"Good idea." Wesley rubbed at the back of his neck and appeared to think. "I'll see what I can do -- check some local places, talk to some people who might have other suggestions. I'll phone you if I find out anything. Will you be all right on your own?"

Doyle nodded. "Yeah. I'll be fine. Just... find Angel, okay? Before he gets himself into trouble."

"I will." Wesley headed for the door without further hesitation, leaving Doyle alone in Angel's office.

* * * * *

Wesley was tired as he stepped into the elevator in Angel's office and pushed the up button. He'd spent the entire day as well as the previous one doing everything he could to locate Angel, with no success, and he wasn't looking forward to telling Doyle. He leaned against the wall wearily as the elevator began its ascent, trying to feel something other than hopeless and a failure.

He'd done everything he could think of -- spoken to everyone he knew, and found out everything *they* knew. Gone to every conceivable place that Angel might have been. Called every contact he had. And all for nothing.

The elevator came to a gentle halt, the doors opened smoothly, and Wesley stepped out into the apartment. "Doyle?"

Doyle appeared from the direction of the kitchen holding a bottle of water. "Any luck?" he asked and the hope in his eyes just made Wesley feel even worse.

"No. I'm sorry."

The way Doyle's expression fell would have been comical if the situation wasn't so serious. He continued on into the living room, past Wesley, not saying anything as he stood at the windows and gazed out at the city.

"I'm sure he's all right," Wesley said, going over to stand behind Doyle. He thought about touching his shoulder reassuringly -- Cordelia's rounded, soft shoulder -- but didn't.

"No he's not," Doyle argued, not turning around. "He's in trouble. Or, or worse. He'd be here otherwise."

Wesley was torn. Part of him felt as if Doyle was right, but he didn't see any point to admitting it -- it would just upset Doyle further, after all. "You know what Angel's like better than anyone. He was upset -- I'm sure he just needed some space, some time to think. He'll be back."

Doyle shook his head. "He wouldn't just... take off like that. Not without at least letting me know."

"Under the circumstances? I think he might." Wesley took a chance and moved in closer, resting his hand on Doyle's shoulder and squeezing reassuringly. "I'm sure wherever he is he's thinking about you."

"Y'know this is the first I've actually hoped to have a vision. Just something to let me know where he is, what's kept him from coming back..." Doyle shook his head. "Nothing. Not even a hint of a headache."

"I'm sorry. I promise I won't stop looking." Wesley moved to the side a bit so that he could see Doyle's face. "Have you been sleeping at all?"

"Surprisingly, yeah. I don't think I'm going to be able to, then I lay down and close my eyes..." Doyle shrugged. "Next thing I know, it's hours later."

"Well, that's good. It's probably good for the..." Realizing that he still wasn't sure if Doyle was ready to have the baby referred to specifically, Wesley changed what he'd been about to say to, "Good for you emotionally. To be getting enough rest, I mean."

"Yeah, good for me to be off in dreamland when who knows what is happening to Angel."

Doyle sounded so upset that Wesley was at a loss. "I wish there was something I could say to make this easier."

That finally got Doyle to look at him. "You are," he said earnestly. "Least I'm not worrying alone, y'know?"

There was an urge to tuck Doyle's hair back behind his ear, even though it was too short for that to be necessary. "It's going to be all right," Wesley said.

Doyle gave him a tiny smile. "You say that and I almost believe it."

"It's true," Wesley said. He thought it was at the very least possible that Angel was off somewhere trying to come to terms with what had happened, and, disappointed though he was in Angel's behavior, he also understood it, probably better than Doyle did. "We'll find him. You can't allow yourself to think that we won't."

"Oh, I know we will," Doyle said instantly. "I can't believe the Powers would send me back just to let him..."

Wesley let the sentence hang unfinished for a moment, then he offered, "He's fine. He's brooding somewhere, trying to accept what's happened, and any moment he'll realize that he's been a prat and come back to apologize."

"If that's all it is, I'm going to kick his arse down to the lobby and back up here for putting me through this."

"I think he must be terrified," Wesley said. "Which isn't to say that he doesn't deserve a good arse kicking."

Doyle moved away from the window, and sitting down on the couch. "I wish I'd seen the results first. Then I could've taken off and let Angel spend all his time looking for me. Would keep him from running himself."

"Is that what you'd have done?" Wesley asked, doubting it.

"If it would have kept Angel occupied..." Doyle shrugged.

Wesley could tell, in that moment, that Doyle was more deeply hurt by the thought of Angel having left without a word than he'd been letting on. Perhaps that was why he was so determined that something must have happened to Angel -- it was easier to accept that than to admit that he might have gone voluntarily.

He moved to sit on the far arm of the couch. "How are you otherwise? Are you still feeling ill?"

Doyle shook his head. "Not so much since medical gave me that potion to take. Might be an evil law firm but the doctors know their stuff."

"Well, at least they were able to do something helpful." Wesley looked at Doyle thoughtfully. "And you're all right staying here alone? Not that you wouldn't be, but... well, if you need anything, I suppose you know where to find me."

"I know," Doyle said, giving Wesley a wide grin. "That means a lot, really."

"So try to get some sleep, and we'll start fresh in the morning. All right?" Wesley stood up again. "I'm going to stop in to my office and take care of a few things, then I'll head home. If you need me."

"You can stay here if you want," Doyle blurted, then blinked and explained, "It's getting real late and I know you've been burning the candle not only at both ends but in the middle since Angel did his Houdini impression. You could save that drive time and use the guest room. If you want."

"Are you sure?" The thought was tempting for more reasons than one. "I wouldn't disturb you?"

"I'm sure. Place is kind of huge for just one person." He gave Wesley another smile. "I'd appreciate the company."

Wesley smiled back. "At this point, I'd gratefully sleep on the couch in my office," he admitted. "For that matter, if I'll be able to make an early start in the morning, I should be able to take care of those things I wanted to do then." It was a relief not to have to think about going back downstairs *or* driving home, considering how exhausted he was.

"Good." Doyle patted his shoulder. "With Angel off god knows where in god knows what trouble, I really don't need to worry about you passing out from exhaustion. Or lack of food for that matter -- have you eaten today?"

"I had a sandwich for lunch," Wesley said. "Some time around 3, I think."

"And it's what now? Right. Sit down, I'll get you something to eat." Doyle started back towards the kitchen.

"You really don't have to," Wesley protested, following. "I could order some take-out."

"Sit," Doyle repeated again, this time pointing to the table in the middle of the kitchen. "I'm pregnant and hormonal. Shut up and let me practice my mothering skills. Since god knows that's not something I'd ever thought I'd have to learn how to be."

Obediently, Wesley sat. "Are you noticing the hormones then? Or had you not had enough of an opportunity to adjust in the first place?"

"Nah, not really. Though it makes a good line doesn't it?" Doyle took out a frying pan and then went to the fridge. "Omelet okay?"

"Wonderful. Can I help?"

Doyle paused and turned to look at him, two eggs in his hand. "You're not really good at just letting someone take care of you, are ya?"

Wesley shook his head. "I suppose not."

Doyle continued to stare at him for a long moment, then said, "We'll have to work on that." He moved away from the fridge to put the eggs down on the counter and tossed back over his shoulder. "You can grate some cheese while I chop up the onions and ham."

Glad to have something to do, Wesley went to retrieve the block of cheese, blinking at the kitchen as he wondered where the grater might be kept. Doyle pointed wordlessly to a cabinet before he could even ask, and handed him a small bowl into which he could grate the cheese. "You like to cook," he observed, noting the ease with which Doyle moved around the kitchen.

"Yeah," Doyle acknowledged as he deftly diced some ham. "Used to do it all the time back... before." He smiled slightly. "Several lifetimes ago now, back before demons and vampires and body switches, oh my."

Wesley washed his hands quickly and began to grate the cheese, trying not to grate off half the skin on his knuckles as he did so. "I've never been much of a cook. It didn't seem worth it, just for myself."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Doyle replied. "Cooking was another thing that went by the wayside when I gained a demon heritage and lost pretty much everything else."

"It must have been very difficult," Wesley said.

Doyle shrugged but was silent for a moment. "It was," he finally answered.

"You're very resilient. You made it through that, and you'll make it through this as well. Don't worry." Wesley was sure he sounded like an idiot, but he had to say *something*, didn't he?

That earned him another one of Doyle's quick grins. "Yeah, one thing I've learned about myself is that I'm a survivor. Even when I die."

It was fascinating how Doyle did different things with Cordelia's smile than she had herself -- now that Wesley was really paying attention, he could see all sorts of little mannerisms that were different. He finished grating what seemed like a reasonable amount of cheese and began to wrap up the remainder in the piece of cling film it had come from. "What else can I do?"

Doyle had moved onto chopping up some green onions and he looked at the preparations before offering, "Watch me put it all together?"

"I think I can manage that." Wesley moved back to give Doyle some more room and leaned against the countertop.

He watched as Doyle deftly combined the ingredients and cooked the omelet; the smell of it as it neared completion was enough to wake Wesley's stomach up and make him admit that maybe it had been too long since his last meal.

It only took him a few moments to locate two glasses and get them each some water from the dispenser at the front of the refrigerator. Then, assuming that Doyle would eat with him, he retrieved two plates and set them on the counter next to the stove. "It smells wonderful," he said, watching as Doyle flipped the omelet over onto itself.

"Been a while since you've had anything but take-out, hasn't it?" Doyle observed good naturedly, as he dished up the food.

"Yes, quite a while," Wesley admitted, carrying the glasses over to the table and setting them down. "Although at least the quality of the take-out has improved since we started working here."

"Makes sense," Doyle said, bringing the plates over and handing one to Wesley. "Ya accidentally poison someone from some little detective agency, no big problem. You accidentally poison someone who is running an evil law firm, ya going to get sued at the very least."

Wesley smiled and went back for forks. "It's more the financial aspects, actually. To say that my salary is higher now would be a bit of an understatement."

"Yeah, that's a nice change from dodging loan sharks and bill collectors."

Something in Doyle's tone made Wesley look at him more closely as they sat down. "It sounds as if you've a bit more experience there than you'd have liked."

Doyle shrugged. "I used to live with this elaborate system of checks and balances. The problem was that sometimes my checks didn't balance."

The first bite of omelet was so delicious that Wesley closed his eyes. "It could be the fact that it's been hours since my last meal, but just now I might suggest that you could have made a living as a cook."

"Always good to have a fallback career," Doyle joked, but Wesley could see that he took real pleasure in the praise.

"Have you thought about..." Wesley toyed with his food, suddenly awkward again and wishing he'd thought before beginning to bring up the topic. "What you're going to do? About... well, the fact that you're pregnant."

Doyle didn't answer right away, looking down at his plate. "I've really been trying not to think about it too much," he finally admitted. "Not at least until Angel's here to throw his two cents in."

"That's perfectly understandable," Wesley said quickly. "I think that's wise. In fact, I shouldn't have brought it up. It's really not my place."

"Wesley," Doyle said. "It's fine." He gave a ghost of a grin. "We really need to work on this tendency you have to burst into spontaneous and unneeded apologies."

"In this case I think an apology was warranted. Of course you'd want time to discuss it with Angel before making any decisions." Wesley ate another bite of omelet and chewed slowly, grateful for the pause in conversation and hoping that the subject would change when they began to talk again.

"Still," Doyle began thoughtfully, after a few minutes of silence, "there was a time when I wanted nothing more than kids. 'Course that was before I found out about my demon side and I never thought I'd be having them myself but..."

Wesley thought that sounded as if maybe Doyle was in the process of making a decision, whether he was aware of it or not. "The circumstances are certainly unusual," he said.

"Ya think?" Doyle asked with a grin.

"One could even say unprecedented." Wesley reached out and touched Doyle's hand where it rested on the table. "Although we both know your life seems to be riddled with similarly unique situations."

"Yeah, surprised my middle name isn't 'weird'. But I eventually learned to take it in stride. Things could always be worse."

"Saying something like *that* is just asking for trouble." Wesley pulled his hand back and pointed his fork warningly at Doyle. "You should know better."

"Maybe I like tempting fate sometimes," Doyle replied with a bit of a challenging smile.

"I suppose if it gets you..." Wesley started almost wistfully, then shook his head and finished in a completely different tone, "Into trouble enough times, you'll learn."

"If dying hasn't taught me to avoid trouble, I'm pretty sure I'm incorrigible."

"I'm sure you're right." Eating the last bite of his omelet, Wesley sighed and set down his fork. "Thank you. For the food, and the place to sleep. The thought of driving home to my empty apartment isn't very appealing when I'm this tired."

"Probably not the safest of things to be doing either," Doyle pointed out. "And really, I'm glad for the company. Keeps me out of my own head, y'know?"

"So I should be talking about something distracting?" Wesley leaned back in his chair.

Doyle looked at him, a smile just hovering around his lips. "Ya got a subject in mind?"

"If sure if I did I'd have brought it up by now, instead of starting conversations and then abandoning them because I should have thought of something else." Wesley shrugged apologetically. "Is there anything *you'd* like to talk about?"

Doyle seemed to consider that with good humor, but when he finally spoke, what he said was, "You really think he's all right?"

"Yes, I really do," Wesley said, doing his best to sound soothing. "And I'm sure that he'll come back as soon as he's able to. You know that he cares for you a great deal?"

Doyle nodded. "I wouldn't be in this condition if he didn't," he said wryly.

Knowing it would be tactless to point out that that wasn't necessarily true, Wesley leaned forward, looking at Doyle's face intently. "He loves you. He'll be back."

Doyle nodded. "Course he will." But there was just a hint of doubt in those green eyes that he couldn't quite hide.


	29. Chapter 29

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wes.

I know you're probably not too thrilled with me right now, but I need you to do me a favor.

Tell Doyle I'm sorry, and that I'm not coming back.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Angel:

> I know you're probably not too thrilled with me right now, but I need  
you to do me a favor.

Tell Doyle I'm sorry, and that I'm not coming back.

Have you taken complete leave of your senses?

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

> > I know you're probably not too thrilled with me right now, but I need  
you to do me a favor.

Tell Doyle I'm sorry, and that I'm not coming back.

> Have you taken complete leave of your senses?

No. For once, I'm doing the right thing before I screw up everything for everyone around me.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

> > > I know you're probably not too thrilled with me right now, but I need  
you to do me a favor.

Tell Doyle I'm sorry, and that I'm not coming back.

> > Have you taken complete leave of your senses?

> No. For once, I'm doing the right thing before I screw up everything  
for everyone around me.

You can't seriously believe that.

And I won't tell Doyle that. He's been more than half-convinced you've been dusted -- can't even fathom the idea of you abandoning him.

You want to break his heart -- you do that yourself. I won't do your dirty work for you.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

> > > > Tell Doyle I'm sorry, and that I'm not coming back.

> > > Have you taken complete leave of your senses?

> > No. For once, I'm doing the right thing before I screw up everything  
for everyone around me.

> You can't seriously believe that.

I do.

> And I won't tell Doyle that. He's been more than half-convinced  
you've been dusted -- can't even fathom the idea of you abandoning  
him.

You want to break his heart -- you do that yourself. I won't do your  
dirty work for you.

I know you must know by now why I left. You of all people should understand why it's better this way. I'm not abandoning him -- I'm protecting him.

And if you're his friend, you'll tell him. It would be easier on him, coming from you. At least let him know I'm not dust.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

> > > > > Tell Doyle I'm sorry, and that I'm not coming back.

> > > > Have you taken complete leave of your senses?

> > > No. For once, I'm doing the right thing before I screw up everything  
for everyone around me.

> > You can't seriously believe that.

> I do.

And you really think that leaving is going to make things better?

> > And I won't tell Doyle that. He's been more than half-convinced  
you've been dusted -- can't even fathom the idea of you abandoning  
him.

You want to break his heart -- you do that yourself. I won't do your  
dirty work for you.

> I know you must know by now why I left. You of all people should  
understand why it's better this way. I'm not abandoning him -- I'm  
protecting him.

You're protecting yourself.

Angel, I know that this has got to be difficult for you, but this isn't the way to handle it.

> And if you're his friend, you'll tell him. It would be easier on him,  
coming from you. At least let him know I'm not dust.

You win. I showed him this email.

From the look on his face, I would say that the last thing he's feeling is "protected."

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

> > > > No. For once, I'm doing the right thing before I screw up everything  
for everyone around me.

> > > You can't seriously believe that.

> > I do.

> And you really think that leaving is going to make things better?

I think it's going to keep Doyle and... you know, everyone else -- safe. Safer than they'd be if I was around.

> > > You want to break his heart -- you do that yourself. I won't do your  
dirty work for you.

> > I know you must know by now why I left. You of all people should  
understand why it's better this way. I'm not abandoning him -- I'm  
protecting him.

> You're protecting yourself.

Angel, I know that this has got to be difficult for you, but this isn't the way  
to handle it.

You know, I can see why you might think that, but you're wrong. I'm just trying to do the right thing.

> > And if you're his friend, you'll tell him. It would be easier on him,  
coming from you. At least let him know I'm not dust.

> You win. I showed him this email.

From the look on his face, I would say that the last thing he's feeling is  
"protected."

You know what, Wes? Fuck you.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

You bastard.

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

> To: Angel  
From: Doyle

You bastard.

I'm sorry, Doyle. You'll never know how sorry. But I'm not coming back. Take care of yourself, and... you know.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

> > And you really think that leaving is going to make things better?

> I think it's going to keep Doyle and... you know, everyone else --  
safe. Safer than they'd be if I was around.

If you're talking about Doyle's condition, I think it's a bit late to absent yourself to prevent... things from occurring, don't you?

> > > I know you must know by now why I left. You of all people should  
understand why it's better this way. I'm not abandoning him -- I'm  
protecting him.

> > You're protecting yourself.

Angel, I know that this has got to be difficult for you, but this isn't the way  
to handle it.

> You know, I can see why you might think that, but you're wrong. I'm  
just trying to do the right thing.

Don't you think, given the topic, that you might be reacting from a place other than cold logic? Understandably so, but still...

> > You win. I showed him this email.

From the look on his face, I would say that the last thing he's  
feeling is "protected."

> You know what, Wes? Fuck you.

Yes, that's very productive.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

> > I think it's going to keep Doyle and... you know, everyone else --  
safe. Safer than they'd be if I was around.

> If you're talking about Doyle's condition, I think it's a bit late to absent  
yourself to prevent... things from occurring, don't you?

That's why I had to go. I couldn't chance what might happen if I was around, considering... everything. I think the first time proved that there can't be any more. I can't do this again. I won't.

> > > Angel, I know that this has got to be difficult for you, but this isn't the way  
to handle it.

> > You know, I can see why you might think that, but you're wrong. I'm  
just trying to do the right thing.

> Don't you think, given the topic, that you might be reacting from a place other  
than cold logic? Understandably so, but still...

This isn't even POSSIBLE. Vampires can't... Wesley, you KNOW this. And I know Doyle wasn't with anyone but me -- trust me, I've been over and over this in my head, trying to make sense of it, and there's just no way. The only thing I know is that I love him more than anything and I'm NOT going to chance something happening to him because of me.

> > > You win. I showed him this email.

From the look on his face, I would say that the last thing he's  
feeling is "protected."

> > You know what, Wes? Fuck you.

> Yes, that's very productive.

Well, none of this is.

I just wanted him to know that I was sorry, and that he shouldn't... you know, wait around thinking that I was coming back. I'll find some place to settle down and he can just go on with his life. Have as normal a one as he can.

I was serious when I asked you to keep an eye on him. Make sure he's okay. I know I've fucked up our friendship a dozen times over, but if I ever meant anything to you... do this for me. Please.

I'm sorry.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

> > You bastard.

> I'm sorry, Doyle. You'll never know how sorry. But I'm not coming back.  
Take care of yourself, and... you know.

You can be sorry all you want, just be sorry *here*.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

> > > You bastard.

> > I'm sorry, Doyle. You'll never know how sorry. But I'm not coming back.  
Take care of yourself, and... you know.

> You can be sorry all you want, just be sorry *here*.

I can't.

I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but more than anything I need to know that you're safe, and me being around is just a recipe for disaster. You'll be happier without me, both of you.

I'm sorry. I hope you believe that.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Angel:

> > If you're talking about Doyle's condition, I think it's a bit late to  
absent yourself to prevent... things from occurring, don't you?

> That's why I had to go. I couldn't chance what might happen if I was  
around, considering... everything. I think the first time proved that  
there can't be any more. I can't do this again. I won't.

I understand you're scared, even traumatised, especially after what happened before. That's only natural. Taking a break to get your bearings is also understandable.

But you can't walk away from this, not for good.

And even if you can, Doyle can't.

> > Don't you think, given the topic, that you might be reacting from a  
place other than cold logic? Understandably so, but still...

> This isn't even POSSIBLE. Vampires can't... Wesley, you KNOW this. And  
I know Doyle wasn't with anyone but me -- trust me, I've been over and  
over this in my head, trying to make sense of it, and there's just no  
way. The only thing I know is that I love him more than anything and  
I'm NOT going to chance something happening to him because of me.

I know this. But this is the second time this has happened so I think the prevailing wisdom would be wrong on how impossible it is.

I know you love him but leaving him alone isn't the way to show it. Not right now.

> I just wanted him to know that I was sorry, and that he shouldn't...  
you know, wait around thinking that I was coming back. I'll find some  
place to settle down and he can just go on with his life. Have as  
normal a one as he can.

It's not as easy as all that and you know it -- or at least you would if you would just think about it for two minutes.

What Doyle is going through now is pretty much the epitome of a life-changing experience. Even if he wanted to, he can't just forget you and go on with having a normal life because he's pretty much reminded of you every minute.

> I was serious when I asked you to keep an eye on him. Make sure he's  
okay. I know I've fucked up our friendship a dozen times over, but if I  
ever meant anything to you... do this for me. Please.

I would do that regardless. Doyle is a friend in his own right; I'm not about to abandon him.

> I'm sorry.

Those words would have a lot more impact if you were saying them in person.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

> > That's why I had to go. I couldn't chance what might happen if I was  
around, considering... everything. I think the first time proved that  
there can't be any more. I can't do this again. I won't.

> I understand you're scared, even traumatised, especially after what  
happened before. That's only natural. Taking a break to get your  
bearings is also understandable.

But you can't walk away from this, not for good.

I can. I have.

> And even if you can, Doyle can't.

Whoa, low blow. Nice, Wesley. On anyone else, that might have worked.

> > > Don't you think, given the topic, that you might be reacting from a  
place other than cold logic? Understandably so, but still...

> > This isn't even POSSIBLE. Vampires can't... Wesley, you KNOW this. And  
I know Doyle wasn't with anyone but me -- trust me, I've been over and  
over this in my head, trying to make sense of it, and there's just no  
way. The only thing I know is that I love him more than anything and  
I'm NOT going to chance something happening to him because of me.

> I know this. But this is the second time this has happened so I think  
the prevailing wisdom would be wrong on how impossible it is.

Or maybe it's just me. Have you thought of that? Is it the soul, is that why...?

Anyway, it's not important. All that matters is that I keep away from him so that he'll be safe.

> I know you love him but leaving him alone isn't the way to show it.  
Not right now.

It's the only way.

> > I just wanted him to know that I was sorry, and that he shouldn't...  
you know, wait around thinking that I was coming back. I'll find some  
place to settle down and he can just go on with his life. Have as  
normal a one as he can.

> It's not as easy as all that and you know it -- or at least you would  
if you would just think about it for two minutes.

What Doyle is going through now is pretty much the epitome of a  
life-changing experience. Even if he wanted to, he can't just forget  
you and go on with having a normal life because he's pretty much  
reminded of you every minute.

He's strong -- heck, you know that. He'll be okay. Better off.

> > I was serious when I asked you to keep an eye on him. Make sure he's  
okay. I know I've fucked up our friendship a dozen times over, but if I  
ever meant anything to you... do this for me. Please.

> I would do that regardless. Doyle is a friend in his own right; I'm  
not about to abandon him.

Nice. But it's not going to work.

I'm glad you're there.

> > I'm sorry.

> Those words would have a lot more impact if you were saying them in person.

Yeah, but that's not going to happen, so I'll have to do the best I can from here. I'm sorry, Wesley. To both of you.

All of you.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

> > > I'm sorry, Doyle. You'll never know how sorry. But I'm not coming  
back. Take care of yourself, and... you know.

> > You can be sorry all you want, just be sorry *here*.

> I can't.

I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but more than anything I need to  
know that you're safe, and me being around is just a recipe for  
disaster. You'll be happier without me, both of you.

This isn't about me and keeping me safe -- because if it was, that's a lot easier to do when you're actually here to do it.

And it's not about my happiness because I could have sworn I've made it pretty clear time and again that you made me happy.

Don't try to make this about me. This is about you and your fears. I know you're scared -- terrified, probably -- and I know why. Didn't you think I would?

But Angel, this shouldn't be about your fear -- it shouldn't even be about me. You know exactly what it should be about and I'm asking you straight out to come back. I... *we* need you.

Please.

> I'm sorry. I hope you believe that.

Apology not accepted. Try it in person and I might give another answer.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Doyle... I'm sorry.

> > > You can be sorry all you want, just be sorry *here*.

> > I can't.

I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but more than anything I need to  
know that you're safe, and me being around is just a recipe for  
disaster. You'll be happier without me, both of you.

> This isn't about me and keeping me safe -- because if it was, that's a  
lot easier to do when you're actually here to do it.

Unless I'm the thing that puts you in danger.

> And it's not about my happiness because I could have sworn I've made  
it pretty clear time and again that you made me happy.

Don't try to make this about me. This is about you and your fears. I  
know you're scared -- terrified, probably -- and I know why. Didn't you  
think I would?

But Angel, this shouldn't be about your fear -- it shouldn't even be  
about me. You know exactly what it should be about and I'm asking you  
straight out to come back. I... *we* need you.

Please.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I wish it could be different, but it can't. Not for me, not ever. It might have taken me a long time to learn that lesson, but I finally got it.

> > I'm sorry. I hope you believe that.

> Apology not accepted. Try it in person and I might give another answer.

I can't. I'm sorry.

Look... when I walk away from the computer right after I send this, I'm walking away for good. I won't be back to see if you reply. Going back and forth like this, it's only making it harder on all of us, and that wasn't what I wanted to do.

I love you. Don't forget that. Well... unless it makes you happier to.

\- Angel


	30. Chapter 30

With a small bag of groceries tucked under his arm, Wesley made his way to Doyle's front door.

It was difficult not to think of it as Cordelia's apartment, what with Doyle looking like he did and the fact that, for Wesley, it had *always* been Cordelia's apartment. But Doyle had moved into the apartment a few days before, having reacquainted himself with Dennis, and seemed to be settling in.

Wesley reached the front door and knocked.

The door opened on its own - Dennis letting him in.

Hesitantly, Wesley stepped inside, swinging the door shut behind him but not entering any further. "Thank you, Dennis," he said to the air around him, then he called, "Doyle? It's me."

"Wes?" Doyle's voice came from the direction of the bathroom and a moment later he appeared, moisture glistening on his skin -- of which there was much visible as he was wearing only a large fluffy white towel.

"Sorry," Wesley said immediately, looking to Doyle's right rather than continue to stare. He hadn't exactly forgotten how curvaceous Cordelia had been, even with the more androgynous clothing that Doyle had been wearing, but still... "I didn't realize you were... undressed. I mean... sorry."

Doyle chuckled, the sound rich and low. "It's all right. I was just... discovering my inner girl and taking a bath. There possibly were bubbles."

Doing his best to keep his eyes averted, Wesley walked in the general direction of the kitchen. "I brought a few things -- I'll just put them away."

"I'll be right with you. Just let me put on something a bit less... tentative." Doyle headed into the bedroom.

Wesley listened to the sounds of Doyle moving around as he went into the kitchen and put away the food that he'd brought, leaving a bottle of multivitamins on the countertop next to the refrigerator. He and Doyle had had dinner together more nights than not since Angel had taken off, the last several at the new -- old -- apartment, and it only seemed right to bring a share of supplies. "I thought I'd cook dinner," he called. "If you're willing to chance my cooking, that is."

"Why not?" Doyle replied, voice moving toward Wesley. He looked up to see Doyle in the kitchen doorway, now wearing a just as fuzzy but much more secure looking robe. "Gotta live dangerously every now and then."

"Yes, thank you so much for your confidence," Wesley said dryly. Getting out a large skillet, he admitted, "It's not much more than a frozen meal, to be honest. But I think you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will. The company's good at least."

Wesley added a small amount of oil to the pan and began to heat it up, then he picked up the bottle of vitamins and offered it over his shoulder to Doyle. "I brought you these."

"You shouldn't have," Doyle said wryly, taking the bottle with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

"You ought to be taking them," Wesley said. "It's very important at this stage of fetal development." He glanced at Doyle a bit sheepishly. "Or so I've read."

Making a face, Doyle opened the bottle and took out a pill, putting it in his mouth then going to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water to take it with. "Least I haven't started craving blood or anything."

"Connor wasn't -- isn't -- a vampire, and both of his parents are. Were," Wesley said. "There's no reason to think this baby will require blood. It seems to be completely normal." The limited tests that Doyle had had so far didn't show anything even slightly abnormal.

"There's enough that's abnormal about this situation, I guess the actual focus of this deserves to be completely normal." Doyle put the bottle of vitamins on the counter by the sink. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Sit down and let me see if I can handle this on my own?" Wesley suggested. He waited until Doyle had done so, when his back was turned toward Doyle, to say, "I should tell you that I managed to locate where Angel had been when he was corresponding with us, and that he's no longer there. At this point, I'm afraid the trail is rather cold."

There was silence from Doyle.

"I'm sorry," Wesley said, turning around to face him. "I know it's not the news you wanted to hear. I won't stop looking."

"Maybe," Doyle began in a barely audible voice, looking down at his hands, "maybe you should."

Wesley only waited for the briefest moment before going over to where Doyle was sitting. He pulled another chair around and sat in it, his knees nearly touching Doyle's, and reached for his hands. "Is that what you want me to do?" he asked gently.

Doyle gave a half shrug. "That's obviously what Angel wants us to do."

"I'm not concerned with what Angel wants right now," Wesley said. "I'm concerned with what *you* want."

"I want Angel to want to be here. But that doesn't look like it's going to happen."

Wesley squeezed Doyle's hands, which felt cool in his own. He thought that it would just make things harder on Doyle if he continued to insist that he thought the vampire would change his mind and come back, so instead he said, "No, it doesn't look like it is. And even if we found him, that doesn't mean we'd be able to make him come back."

Doyle still hadn't looked at him. "I don't want him here if he doesn't want to be here."

"I understand." It was hurting Wesley more than he would have thought possible to see Doyle so withdrawn, and he had no idea what to do to make things better. "Doyle?" He waited until the green eyes met his before saying, "I know this is very difficult. But you're not alone."

That earned him a ghost of a smile. "I know." Then the smile faded again. "Angel's the one who's chosen to be alone."

"That's *his* choice, and *his* loss." Wesley reached a hand up to touch the side of Doyle's face almost automatically. "It's going to be all right. I know that must seem impossible just now, but it will be."

And the smile was back, just a bit stronger. "Look at you, turning into an optimist."

"I'd do -- " Wesley cut himself off as his thumb traced Doyle's cheekbone. "I don't like to see you so unhappy. I wish there were more I could do to help."

"You're doing a lot, Wes, really."

"Yes, well, what I *should* be doing is making you something to eat." Realizing that he was a bit too close for propriety, Wesley backed off a bit, getting up and going back to the stove. He cut the top off the bag of frozen chicken and vegetable stir fry and poured the contents into the pan.

Doyle sat in thoughtful silence, watching him.

"What?" Wesley asked after a moment.

"Nothing. Just... I'm glad you're here."

Wesley felt himself break out into a smile. "Thank you. I'm glad to be here. I have..." He turned quickly back to the food and began to stir it before he'd reveal something best kept hidden. "Your friendship is important to me," he said carefully.

"Likewise." Doyle paused then asked, "You have what?"

Damn. "A vested interest in your well-being," Wesley said, trying to make it sound as if that were a casual thing one might say to a friend.

Doyle smiled at him, seeming to accept that. "Likewise," he said again.

It didn't long for the food to cook, and Wesley moved about the kitchen retrieving plates and silverware as easily as if he lived there himself. He set a plate down in front of Doyle and sat down beside him. "I hope it's all right."

"It's food, it's cooked. Most days at this time that's pretty much all it takes."

Wesley almost laughed. "Well, I'm glad you've such high standards."

"Yeah, well," Doyle picked up his fork, "put it down to eating for two and all that." He took a bite. "Not bad."

Picking up his own fork, Wesley began to eat as well, watching Doyle closely when he thought he could manage to get away with it.

His watching didn't go unnoticed though. Doyle finally paused and asked, "What?"

"I'm worried about you," Wesley said, returning his gaze to his plate and stabbing another piece of chicken. He glanced up at Doyle apologetically. "But I'll try not to worry quite so obviously."

"I'm all right," Doyle insisted. "Really."

"It would be understandable if you weren't," Wesley said.

Doyle took a few more bites in silence then admitted, "I miss him. But he's made his decision and as much as I want to track him down and drag him back, I can't. I've got other things that have to take priority now."

"That's good. That's a good attitude," Wesley said with approval. "But... well, I just hope you know that if you *weren't* all right, I wouldn't want you to feel you had to hide that from me."

"I'll keep that in mind for whenever I feel like losing it," Doyle replied jokingly.

"*Are* there times like that?" Wesley asked, without looking up, in case that might make it easier for Doyle to admit to it.

"Since I came back? Not yet."

Wesley was impressed and a bit surprised. "You're really astonishingly resilient. It's remarkable." It was no wonder he felt about Doyle the way he did.

"You did notice the yet in that sentence, right?"

"I did," Wesley acknowledged. "I just... well, maybe I shouldn't..."

"You shouldn't what?" Doyle asked, leaning in, the self effacing joking tone fading.

"Shouldn't say what I'm thinking," Wesley said quietly. "I'm trying so hard to be supportive, to help. To *not* say something that will make things worse for you."

"I don't think I like the idea of you censoring yourself around me," Doyle said thoughtfully, picking up his fork and eating some more. "As you said, I bounce back pretty fast -- I'm not going to break apart if you say something that's not completely supportive or sanitized."

"I know." Wesley watched Doyle take another bite, then added, "But you've already been through so much. I don't want to add to it."

"You haven't and I don't think you could. Well, not unless you decided to suddenly try and disappear off the face of the Earth like -- never mind."

"First of all, I'm not Angel -- I think we can both agree on that easily enough. And secondly..." Wesley decided that he'd eaten what he was going to and pushed his plate away an inch or so. "Secondly, I'm not leaving. For what it's worth, you can count on me to be here for the long term." He lowered his voice. "I'm very angry with him. I try not to show it, but I am."

"Yeah, that makes two of us." Doyle grimaced. "I understand why -- god knows the kind of trauma's he's been through would mess up anyone -- but still... I'm right pissed at him."

"I don't care how upset he is -- he's being terribly irresponsible. He should know better. If it were me in his position, I'd -- " Wesley cut himself off again. "Well, it doesn't matter what I'd do."

"No, I want to hear it," Doyle said, leaning forward again, eye glinting with interest. "What would you do?"

Wesley looked at Doyle, who was very clearly Doyle despite the fact that he was wearing Cordelia's body. "I certainly wouldn't run off and leave you to deal with something like this on your own, no matter how upset I was. I'd stay and... well, take care of you. Not that you *need* taking care of per se, but I'd want to do as much of it as you could put up with."

Doyle gave him a knowing smile. "Kinda like you've been doing?"

Dropping his gaze, Wesley nodded. "Yes, I suppose so."

He could feel Doyle looking at him, but the light touch against his cheek still surprised him. Sitting back again after that brief kiss, Doyle smiled and said, "Looks like I got lucky then."

"That's... I..." Wesley felt flushed and confused, and didn't know what to say.

Doyle just grinned at him and went back to eating.

Uncertainly, Wesley picked up his own fork again and ate another bite, mostly because it was something to do. He tried to think of some topic of conversation that would be appropriately distracting and failed utterly.

"You look like someone snuck up behind you and walloped you with something large and heavy," Doyle observed after a moment.

"That's very observant of you," Wesley said. "That's exactly how I feel." He was trying to tell himself that it hadn't meant anything, and trying to convince himself that he didn't *want* it to have meant anything, and failing there as well.

"Y'know I never got that kind of reaction when I kissed anyone before I died. Though I can well imagine it being a regular occurrence for Cordelia."

"I'm not sure that I felt quite this... however it is I'm feeling... after Cordelia kissed me. Although granted it was only twice, and the first time was most certainly a disaster by all accounts." Wesley chanced a quick look at Doyle. "I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean... anything in particular."

"I don't go around kissing random people, you might have noticed," Doyle pointed out.

That was true. "But... I don't understand."

"Maybe it's something that doesn't require a full dissertation of meaning," Doyle suggested. "Unless I make you... uncomfortable? What with what I am and all..."

"What you are -- *who* you are -- is precisely the problem," Wesley said, "although not because you make me uncomfortable." Damn it, it was uncanny how Doyle had the ability to worm these things out of him. He stood up abruptly, taking his plate to the sink.

It didn't provide the retreat he wanted because Doyle did the same, coming up beside him as he placed his own plate in the sink. "I think you're going to have to explain that comment to me."

"I'd really rather not," Wesley said helplessly, not turning his head to look at Doyle.

"Is it so terrible?" Doyle asked softly twisting in such a way as to catch Wesley's eye.

"That's more for you to say." Wesley turned the tap on and began to rinse the dishes, waiting until his hands were under the water before he said, "I may have feelings for you."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out." Doyle touched Wesley's cheek with gentle fingers, until Wesley turned to look at him. "You're not alone in that."

"You... you knew?" That thought made Wesley feel so ashamed that for a moment he wasn't able to absorb the rest of what Doyle had said. Then, blinking and pulling his hands out of the sink, he said, "Wait. What?"

"I told you, I don't go around kissing random people. It's the kind of thing I need to there to be feelings to happen."

"But..." Wesley reached for a towel and began to dry his hands. "I don't know what to say." There was hope welling up inside him, as well as some guilt.

"It's an awkward situation to be sure," Doyle said easily. "What with my... history and all. And of course there's the whole Angel question..."

"The last thing I'd want would be to pressure you into anything," Wesley said, although he couldn't stop himself from taking Doyle's hand gently between his own damp ones. "Please, *please* don't feel that you have to make a decision any time soon. I'll still be here, still be your friend, no matter what."

"You do realise that if anyone was looking at this from the outside, they'd peg me as the one doing the pressuring, don't you?" Doyle took a step towards him; they were now so close that Wesley could feel Doyle's body heat. "I'm the one who should be making that little speech. Consider it made, by the way."

Wesley felt as if someone had knocked his feet out from under him. "Are you sure?"

Doyle gave a little laugh. "About as sure as I am of anything."

Deciding to take that in the best way possible, Wesley still couldn't help but file it away as he tentatively wrapped his arms around Doyle, feeling the not-unfamiliar curves of Cordelia's body against his own. Breathing into the short dark hair, he said softly, "Tell me if I shouldn't do this."

Doyle just smiled and remained conspicuously silent.

After a moment, Wesley pulled back, cupping Doyle's face between his hands and looking into those startling green eyes. "I know you're in love with Angel," he said. "I don't want that to be a question between us. It's just a fact."

Doyle nodded. "A fact just like your being in love with Angel too," he said, green eyes looking into Wesley's all too knowingly.

Wesley drew a somewhat less than steady breath. "It's rather disturbing how you do that," he said. "Am I that obvious?"

"I'm good at reading between the lines," Doyle said with a tiny smile. "Besides, it's easier to recognise feelings you're feeling yourself."

"All right then," Wesley said. "Yes, I have feelings for him too." He brushed one thumb over Doyle's lower lip. "Which are entirely separate from my feelings for you."

"So you're okay with the whole... gender confusion thing I've got going on?"

"You don't seem confused," Wesley said.

"You know what I mean. The whole," Doyle gestured at himself, "male half-demon in a female mostly human but not quite body. It doesn't really confuse me -- although yeah, it probably should -- but what we're talking about, the package becomes a bit more important."

"It's not an issue for me," Wesley said, hoping to be reassuring. "Whether you're in a female body or a male body, I'm attracted to you. I won't deny that it's pleasant that you look like Cordelia -- I can't imagine anyone would. But it's not the reason why I care for you."

"Okay," Doyle said with a grin. "Just wanted to get that all out of the way now." He slid his arms around Wesley's neck. "Now, where were we?"

Happy to pull Doyle close again, Wesley did so, running a hand up and down along the curve of his spine. "I think that's up to you."

"I think," Doyle said thoughtfully, "that you should kiss me again. And then that we should move this out of the kitchen."

"Kiss *you* again?" Wesley asked. "I thought it was the other way around. In fact, I'm sure of it."

"So kiss me for the first time then." Doyle gave him an easy grin.

Wesley did. It was, surprisingly, nothing like kissing Cordelia had been, despite the fact that it should have been. Doyle kissed completely differently and, truth be told, more skillfully. His lips parted beneath Wesley's, but otherwise the kiss was rather chaste, and when it ended, Wesley found himself looking into Doyle's eyes with a sense of wonder.

Doyle smiled at him. "I'm going to take it from that look that you liked that."

"Of course I did," Wesley said huskily. "Would you still be interested in moving this somewhere other than the kitchen?"

Doyle's grin turned slightly wicked. "Oh yeah. Somewhere more horizontal maybe?"

As much as he hated that he needed to ask, Wesley said, "Are you sure this is something you want to do? With me, I mean? I don't... I'm not interested in just one night."

"That's good, 'cause neither am I." Holding Wesley's gaze steadily, Doyle said seriously, "I'm sure. About wanting to do this and do it with you."

Wesley couldn't hide the smile on his own face. "All right. As long as you're sure. What do you think? The couch?" He was hesitant to suggest the bedroom.

Doyle it seemed, had no such qualms. "Bed has more room," he counter-suggested.

"Well, I'm hardly about to say 'no,'" Wesley told him, pulling him in for another kiss that left them both breathless.

"Good. Saves me having to change your mind to a yes."

"And you'd do that too, wouldn't you." Wesley brushed his lips over Doyle's again. "Manage to change my mind. Come on." Without waiting for a response, he began to lead Doyle toward the bedroom.

"I'd've given it the old college try at least. Though I'm quite happy to put my energy into other things."

Once inside the bedroom doorway, Wesley was happy to put his own energy into kissing Doyle repeatedly, running caressing hands up and down his back. "If you want to stop at any point, just tell me," he said, immediately claiming another kiss.

"I don't anticipate that being an issue," Doyle said between kisses.

"Even still," Wesley said, sliding both hands down to cup Doyle's behind and pull him in closer.

Doyle came willingly, pressing even closer than Wesley had pulled him. "You haven't done anything I disagree with so far."

"I'll certainly do my best not to." He was keeping himself distracted with talk in an attempt not to get too eager, because the last thing he wanted was to do anything to hurt Doyle. Doyle deserved to be treated with care. Still, when he felt that soft yielding body pressing against his own, Wesley had to remind himself firmly of things like research reports.

Pulling back just a little, Doyle nimbly started undoing Wesley's shirt while leaning in for another kiss, and it was getting difficult to remember why he was holding back.

"You're a wonderful kisser," Wesley said, more than happy to continue with just that and thrilled to feel Doyle's hands brushing against his skin.

"You're not so bad yourself." Having got Wesley's shirt open, Doyle now slid his hands in, running lightly over bare skin.

Wesley couldn't help but think that Doyle didn't really want *him*, that he was being used as a substitute for Angel, but in that moment he wasn't sure he cared. "You can be rougher than that if you like," he murmured into Doyle's ear.

Doyle pulled back to look at him assessingly, then another slow smile slid across his face. "I'll keep that in mind."

"I'm finding that I have a bit of a problem," Wesley said, sliding his right hand to Doyle's waist and leaving it there. "I'd very much like to see you naked, but I don't want to do anything without your permission."

Doyle looked at him, then reached down to take Wesley's hands in his own, bringing them to the tie that was holding his robe on. "Consider permission given."

With hands that he told himself didn't tremble at all, Wesley slowly undid the front of the robe, feeling the ache in his groin increase as the white fabric slid free of creamy shoulders and slipped to the floor, revealing Doyle in all his naked glory. "God," he said. "Now I have a new problem."

"And what's that?" Doyle asked with a smile, sliding his arms around Wesley's neck again and pressing close.

"I'd very much like to push you down onto the bed and have my way with you," Wesley said. His own arms went around Doyle's waist automatically.

"I'm not seeing how this is a problem."

Wesley walked Doyle backward toward the bed, then he gently pushed him down onto it. "Good," he said, letting his own shirt fall to the floor and undoing the fastenings on his trousers so that he could remove those as well.

Doyle watched him with the wicked grin that was fast becoming one of Wesley's favourite expressions. "Gotta like a man with initiative."

"Oh, initiative's one of the few things that's *not* a problem." Making short work of the rest of his clothing, Wesley crawled naked onto the bed between Doyle's thighs and bent down to press a soft kiss to Doyle's flat stomach before moving his mouth lower.

"Yeah, I can see that," Doyle said, the words a bit breathy as they came out on a gasp.

"You're incredible." Wesley pushed Doyle's thighs wider and slid two fingertips teasingly against his opening, already slick with arousal. He licked at Doyle's most sensitive spot, working it with his tongue until Doyle was making small sounds of pleasure.

"Definitely an 'A' in initiative," Doyle gasped, squirming under Wesley's touch.

Lifting his head, Wesley said, "Tell me what you like," as he slowly eased his fingers inside Doyle. "Keep talking to me." He needed the reassurance -- despite what he'd said before, he was a bit intimidated by not only the fact that Angel had been here first and most likely done it better, but by the knowledge that this -- a man in a woman's body -- was otherwise relatively uncharted territory.

Doyle laughed breathlessly. "What you're doing is good."

_I don't want it to be *good*, I want it to be remarkable._ But Wesley kept his insecurities to himself and concentrated on touching Doyle in ways that he imagined he'd like, himself, if he'd been transplanted into Cordelia's body. He thrust his fingers deeper and flicked his tongue again and again, listening to Doyle's breathing.

It was an excellent barometer to Doyle's reactions, the way it caught and sped up, depending on little adjustments Wesley made in what he was doing.

For his own part, Wesley felt rather as if he might die if his aching erection didn't get some attention soon, but he steadfastly ignored it and remained focused on Doyle. He slid one hand up along Doyle's torso to one taut nipple and pinched it very gently, aware that Doyle's condition might make it more sensitive than usual.

Doyle made a soft sound that was halfway between a whimper and a moan and Wesley could feel his muscles tensing.

"That's right," he breathed against Doyle's inner thigh, in that moment forgetting to compete with Angel and caring only about Doyle's pleasure. "Yes. Doyle." He withdrew his fingers and rubbed them over the slick spot his tongue had been concentrating on and moved up to take Doyle's nipple into his mouth, licking and sucking gently.

That seemed to be all it took. Beneath him, Doyle tensed and shuddered, coming with a near silent gasp on his lips.

When Doyle seemed to have caught his breath, Wesley slid up and kissed him, very aware of his erection pressed against Doyle's thigh as he brought his fingers to his mouth and sucked on them, watching Doyle's face.

Doyle grinned at him, eyes still heavy-lidded with pleasure. "Just for future reference," he said, wrapping his arms around Wesley's neck and pulling him down to kiss again, "I liked that a lot."

"Good," Wesley said, smiling back. "I'm glad."

With a sudden burst of energy, Doyle surged up, pushing Wesley over onto his back and ended up straddling his hips. "My turn," he said, wearing that wicked grin again.

Wesley arched his body up against Doyle's and groaned softly. "I'm certainly not about to argue with you."

"Bright boy." Doyle slid down Wesley's body in an as enticing a manner as possible, until he closed a hand around Wesley's erection.

Biting down on his lower lip for control, Wesley stayed still and waited to see what Doyle intended. There was a very large part of him that wanted to throw himself into this encounter -- act as if they'd been together for some time -- but he didn't want to let it get the better of him, no matter how unbelievably turned on he was, no matter how Doyle... God, just stroked once with his hand...

"Tell me if I do anything you don't like. Or, for that matter anything you do." Another grin and Doyle was lowering his head and...

Wesley muffled a groan as Doyle's warm wet mouth engulfed the head of his erection. "God. Doyle... that. I like that."

Doyle chuckled, which caused his mouth to vibrate against Wesley's skin, and he took Wesley in deeper.

He trembled with the effort of not thrusting into that soft mouth, feeling as if every nerve ending in his body were newly awakening as Doyle did lovely swirling things with his tongue that made Wesley twitch and, occasionally, whimper. "Please..." he whispered, gasping.

Doyle seemed to be quite happy to continue what he was doing indefinitely, and even adding to it, sliding a hand down to cup Wesley's balls as he continued.

Not bothering to try to muffle his groan this time, Wesley reached a hand down and ran his fingers through Doyle's short hair, feeling his level of arousal growing to the point where he knew it wouldn't be long. "You're... God, so good at that..."

Doyle rewarded that with a slight scrape of teeth.

Wesley gave a low cry and shuddered, trying to hold back. "Doyle," he said, gasping a warning, "I'm... so close."

Lifting his head for a brief second, Doyle merely said, "Good," before resuming what he was doing.

That was all the reassurance Wesley needed. He could feel his entire body tightening up, tensed, straining in the moment before release, caught there, waiting... and then it rushed through him and out, flooding Doyle's mouth as Wesley gasped and shook with the force of it.

Doyle didn't let up until Wesley began to soften, then he pulled away and looked up at Wesley with a rather smug grin.

Still panting, Wesley made a small gesture with his head. "Come up here."

Eyes sparkling, Doyle did just that, sliding up Wesley's body and then doing a thorough job of kissing him.

"You're wonderful," Wesley said between kisses. "Spectacular. Have I mentioned that I'm very, very fond of you?"

"I kinda got that impression, yeah." Doyle settled down against Wesley's side, one hand running idly over Wesley's chest.

With his arm around Doyle, Wesley felt very content, but he was reluctant to assume he could stay that way. "How are you? Should I go and let you get some sleep?"

Doyle leaned up to look Wesley in the eye disbelievingly. "You snore or something?"

"No," Wesley said. "But I didn't want to assume..."

"Wes, I just had your cock in my mouth. Assume."

"All right." Wesley shifted down a bit and got more comfortable, cradling Doyle against his side protectively and pulling a sheet up over the both of them with a minimum of awkward maneuvering. "There. Are you comfortable?"

"Yeah." Doyle fell silent for a moment or two then asked, "So what am I going to have to do in the morning to keep you from backtracking on me?"

"What do you mean, backtracking?" Wesley suspected he knew, but it was clear that making assumptions wasn't the proper thing to do. Not with Doyle, at least.

"Y'know," Doyle waved a hand airily. "Backtracking to where you start thinking I don't actually want you here, or that this is just a one-night stand. Or... a casting call for an Angel replacement."

Wesley couldn't help but tense slightly at the mention of Angel's name -- he had to deliberately force himself to relax, turning his head and kissing Doyle's hair in an attempt to hide his reaction. "Exactly how *do* you want me here?"

"I'm kinda partial to naked and in my bed," Doyle teased.

"That's all well and good until you decide you want something from the store at 2 am," Wesley teased back. "Everything I've read assures me that sort of thing's to be expected." Then, more seriously, he said, "You don't have to decide now. We can take this day by day."

"We can take it day by day, if that makes you more comfortable, but," Doyle said, suddenly serious, "I already know that I want you here in whatever way you want to be here."

"I just..." Wesley rubbed his hand over Doyle's shoulder. "I'd like to stay. Not full time, not right away, but maybe eventually? And of course I'll be here whenever you need me."

"That works both ways y'know."

"What does?" Wesley asked, confused.

"The part about being here when needed. It works both ways. You need me, I'm going to be here."

Doyle was as serious as Wesley had ever seen him.

Unsure how to respond to something he hadn't anticipated hearing, Wesley had to clear his throat. He really hadn't considered the possibility that Doyle would want to take care of him. He'd thought, simply, that he had feelings for Doyle -- loved him -- and that that meant he was responsible for being there for him. "Thank you," he said awkwardly, with what he suspected was a hint of a question in his voice.

Doyle smiled and leaned in to kiss him. "You haven't had a lot of that in your life, have you? People to lean on."

Wesley didn't particularly want to admit that he hadn't, so he took Doyle's head between his hands and kissed him slowly, letting it last a long time.

When he finally pulled back, Doyle looked at him in a way that made Wesley's heart beat a bit faster. "That's changed now," Doyle said softly, laying a hand against Wesley's cheek. "I know it'll take you time to trust it, but it has. I promise."

With Doyle's hand on his face, Wesley thought that, in time, he just might be able to believe it.

 

* * * * *

 

Somewhere else, not as far away as you might think...

Angel wasn't sleeping well in general, but on this night in particular he'd been lying in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling and trying not to think. It was the thinking that was his downfall -- once he got started, his brain just went in circles that always came back to Doyle and the heavy acceptance that he'd done what he had to.

Finally, at some point, he drifted off, still thinking. It felt like he'd hardly been asleep at all when he was suddenly woken by the sound of a familiar voice. "Doyle?" he said, only half-awake as he struggled to a sitting position.

"*No,*" that same voice said again. "Wake up, would you?"

Angel blinked sleep out of his eyes and focused. "Cordelia?"

"Well, I guess I should be thankful you didn't forget me," she said. "Unlike some people we could mention."

"What are you talking about?" Now that he was waking up, Angel could see the glow around Cordelia, a pale light that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

"Doyle?" Cordelia said, putting her hands on her hips. "Does that ring a bell?"

Angel sighed. "No. And I haven't forgotten him, believe me." Thought about him pretty much every minute of the day, actually, to the point where sometimes he started to wonder if he was losing his mind.

"So it's just chronic stupidity that you're here, a thousand miles away, when he needs you?" Cordelia sounded frustrated.

That got Angel's attention even more, and he sat up straighter. "What do you mean? Is he okay? Did something -- "

"No," Cordelia said, her expression softening. "No, he's fine, other than the fact that the person he loves ran off and left him at pretty much the worst possible time. But I'm glad to know you still care."

"Of course I do."

"Then you want to explain to me why you're here and he's there?"

"Cordy... you know what happened the first time around. Don't you think that proves that this isn't the kind of situation I'm supposed to be part of?"

Cordelia shook her head. "Angel... things went wrong. Sometimes things go wrong. That doesn't mean that everything's going to keep going wrong. Well, unless you're a big dumb vampire who's too scared to face his responsibilities."

"I'm not -- " Angel started to protest, then he sighed and let his shoulders slump. "Is it that obvious?"

"Yes. And not just to me."

That wasn't a surprise -- Doyle and Wesley both had said as much during the couple of days when Angel had made the mistake of getting in touch, and he'd tried to deny it then too. Done a pretty good job of it, actually, even to himself. "You're right," Angel said. "I'm scared. I don't... I can't do this again."

"It wouldn't be 'again,'" Cordelia said gently. "This is your second chance, Angel. A fresh start. Things like this... they don't just happen, they happen for a reason."

Something in her voice made him look up. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that the Powers think you deserve another shot at it -- the whole being a dad thing, I mean. This is their way of trying to make it up to you. They let Doyle get pregnant -- and wow, that's such a weird sentence -- on purpose."

Angel felt his gut clench in cold fear. "What, they don't think I've been through enough? One more round of 'put Angel through the wringer?'"

"Only if that's what you want it to be, and I'm starting to think you do," Cordelia said bluntly. "God, open your eyes! You're being given a second chance here! And you're willing to just walk away from it -- from *Doyle,* who loves you? -- just because you're scared?"

"Scared doesn't begin to cover it," Angel admitted.

"I know. I understand, I do, but you're better than this, Angel. I believe that, and, more importantly, so does Doyle. He needs you."

Not for the first or the thousandth time, Angel felt guilt threaten to overwhelm him. "When I found out... I just didn't know what to do. It was like a nightmare. Literally." He felt even guiltier just saying it out loud, but he sure as hell was never going to admit it to Doyle, so he might as well tell Cordelia.

Cordelia nodded. "I get that. And maybe it felt that way, but it's not true. It's your chance to make it right."

Angel lifted his eyes to hers. "What if I can't?" he whispered.

"What if you *can?*" Cordelia met his gaze.

"What if I go back and it's worse for them? What if me being there just leads to another situation like Holtz?"

"What if you *not* being there leads to something happening to Doyle?" Cordelia seemed determined to talk him into this. "I don't know if he can do this without you, but even if he can, should he *have* to?"

Angel felt a sudden upsurge of hope that almost immediately dissipated when he thought of what he'd done. "It doesn't matter. I already fucked things up -- there's no way he'd take me back now, not after all this time." It had been weeks since they'd been in contact -- Doyle must have had the sense to give up on him by now.

Cordelia's hand twitched. "You know, if I was corporeal, I'd totally smack you. Can you do me a favor and try, for once in your unnaturally long life, *not* to act like a complete jerk? Doyle *loves* you. And he'll forgive you for being an idiot." She smirked. "You know, after a lot of groveling."

"Is he okay?" Angel asked again.

"Yeah. But he misses you. I mean, he's trying to move on, like you wanted him to, but there's a part of him that's still hoping you'll come back." Cordelia smiled a little bit sadly.

"I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have," Angel said, but for the first time he was actually considering it.

"You probably will," Cordelia said. "But that's life. And if you *don't* go back, you'll definitely keep hurting him."

Angel looked at her, then he nodded hesitantly. "Okay. I mean, I'm not making any promises, but... I'll talk to him." Thinking about it filled him with a sick dread, but there was a little spark of hope again, and he tried to hold on to that.

"Good," Cordelia said. "I know this isn't easy, but... I also know it'll be worth it." Her image shifted and began to fade. "This is your chance to be happy, Angel. Don't screw it up."

"I won't," he said quickly. "And... Cordy? I... thanks."

She smiled again, more genuinely this time. "You're welcome," she said, and vanished in a brilliant flare of light.

Angel twitched, blinked, and opened his eyes, slowly realizing that he'd been dreaming.

He took a deep breath, got up, and got dressed.


	31. Chapter 31

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

I know you don't owe me any favors -- heck, if anything, I owe you some -- but I was hoping you'd tell me if you thought Doyle would be willing to talk to me.

Just talk. I'm not making any promises.

I should have written to him, but I didn't want to if it was going to be the wrong thing to do. I thought maybe you could tell me.

Thanks.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Angel

> I know you don't owe me any favors -- heck, if anything, I owe you some  
\-- but I was hoping you'd tell me if you thought Doyle would be willing  
to talk to me.

Part of me wants to tell you that the answer is no, but that wouldn't be the truth.

Doyle would be willing to talk to you.

> Just talk. I'm not making any promises.

I should have written to him, but I didn't want to if it was going to  
be the wrong thing to do. I thought maybe you could tell me.

That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to tell him again how much he's better off without you...

> Thanks.

I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > I know you don't owe me any favors -- heck, if anything, I owe you some  
\-- but I was hoping you'd tell me if you thought Doyle would be willing  
to talk to me.

> Part of me wants to tell you that the answer is no, but that wouldn't  
be the truth.

Doyle would be willing to talk to you.

Okay. I'm going to email him then. I don't know what he's doing now -- I mean, if he checks his email at all, or what. I know it's been a while. If you think he doesn't check it, could you, I don't know, remind him to? Or something? I'm not asking you not to tell him I contacted you. Just do whatever you think is right.

> > Just talk. I'm not making any promises.

I should have written to him, but I didn't want to if it was going to  
be the wrong thing to do. I thought maybe you could tell me.

> That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to  
tell him again how much he's better off without you...

No. I wouldn't do that.

> I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again.

I'm going to try not to. Really try.

I promise.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Angel.

> Okay. I'm going to email him then. I don't know what he's doing now --  
I mean, if he checks his email at all, or what. I know it's been a  
while. If you think he doesn't check it, could you, I don't know,  
remind him to? Or something? I'm not asking you not to tell him I  
contacted you. Just do whatever you think is right.

I'm not sure what that is, frankly.

Doyle is checking his email regularly. In fact he's working here now, using your old office a lot of the time. Helping me maintain the illusion that you haven't run for the hills.

> > That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to  
tell him again how much he's better off without you...

> No. I wouldn't do that.

You did do that.

> > I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again.

> I'm going to try not to. Really try.

I promise.

If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it.

Wesley

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

I hope you'll read this. I checked in with Wesley first, to see if he thought you'd be willing to talk to me. I didn't want to start something if it was just going to make things worse.

I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me... stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly.

I'm sorry. For everything. For what happened, and for how I acted, and for being too scared to stay and deal with it.

If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things.

\- Angel

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > Okay. I'm going to email him then. I don't know what he's doing now --  
I mean, if he checks his email at all, or what. I know it's been a  
while. If you think he doesn't check it, could you, I don't know,  
remind him to? Or something? I'm not asking you not to tell him I  
contacted you. Just do whatever you think is right.

> I'm not sure what that is, frankly.

Doyle is checking his email regularly. In fact he's working here now,  
using your old office a lot of the time. Helping me maintain the  
illusion that you haven't run for the hills.

Is he okay? I mean, I've already emailed him and asked. But I'd like to know what you think.

> > > That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to  
tell him again how much he's better off without you...

> > No. I wouldn't do that.

> You did do that.

Yeah, okay, I did. Before. But I'm not going to do it now.

I want to see if there's a way to make things right. Maybe there's not -- maybe there's no way to fix what I did. But I want to try. I know you were there to pick up the mess I left, and that you're mad at me. I get that. You have a right to be.

> > > I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again.

> > I'm going to try not to. Really try.

I promise.

> If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it.

If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hello Angel

> I hope you'll read this. I checked in with Wesley first, to see if he  
thought you'd be willing to talk to me. I didn't want to start  
something if it was just going to make things worse.

There's always the chance that things will get worse.

Just as there's always a chance things will get better.

But that's going to take a lot of work on your part.

> I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember  
when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a  
different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me...  
stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly.

You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped talking to me.

But then you knew I'd call you on it, didn't you? One of the reasons you left.

But you can't run from those Higher Powers. Guess it pays me to have friends in high places, huh?

> I'm sorry. For everything. For what happened, and for how I acted, and  
for being too scared to stay and deal with it.

One of the first things I ever told you, back when we first met, is that the worst thing you could do was cut yourself off from the world and people that care about you.

You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you?

> If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things.

You're going to have to show me.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > I hope you'll read this. I checked in with Wesley first, to see if he  
thought you'd be willing to talk to me. I didn't want to start  
something if it was just going to make things worse.

> There's always the chance that things will get worse.

Just as there's always a chance things will get better.

But that's going to take a lot of work on your part.

I'm willing to do it. I swear. I'll do anything. What do you want me to do?

> > I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember  
when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a  
different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me...  
stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly.

> You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped talking to me.

I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to.

> But then you knew I'd call you on it, didn't you? One of the reasons you left.

But you can't run from those Higher Powers. Guess it pays me to have  
friends in high places, huh?

I was scared. Really scared. All I could think about was how I couldn't go through that again, especially not with you. I'm sorry -- I never should have left like that.

> > I'm sorry. For everything. For what happened, and for how I acted, and  
for being too scared to stay and deal with it.

> One of the first things I ever told you, back when we first met, is  
that the worst thing you could do was cut yourself off from the world  
and people that care about you.

You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you?

Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit, and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for something to happen to you because of me.

And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared.

> > If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things.

> You're going to have to show me.

Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle.

Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Angel

> > Doyle is checking his email regularly. In fact he's working here now,  
using your old office a lot of the time. Helping me maintain the  
illusion that you haven't run for the hills.

> Is he okay? I mean, I've already emailed him and asked. But I'd like to  
know what you think.

I think Doyle is one of the most resilient and remarkable people it's ever been my privilege to know.

You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing.

> > > > That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to  
tell him again how much he's better off without you...

> > > No. I wouldn't do that.

> > You did do that.

> Yeah, okay, I did. Before. But I'm not going to do it now.

I want to see if there's a way to make things right. Maybe there's not  
\-- maybe there's no way to fix what I did. But I want to try. I know  
you were there to pick up the mess I left, and that you're mad at me. I  
get that. You have a right to be.

I am angry with you -- very much so in fact.

I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I think. Whatever he wants, I will support.

> > > > I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again.

> > > I'm going to try not to. Really try.

I promise.

> > If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it.

> If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I  
already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by  
that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of  
you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again.

The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to be extremely difficult.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > Is he okay? I mean, I've already emailed him and asked. But I'd like to  
know what you think.

> I think Doyle is one of the most resilient and remarkable people it's  
ever been my privilege to know.

You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing.

Good. I mean, I'm glad he's okay. I've worried about him a lot.

> > I want to see if there's a way to make things right. Maybe there's not  
\-- maybe there's no way to fix what I did. But I want to try. I know  
you were there to pick up the mess I left, and that you're mad at me. I  
get that. You have a right to be.

> I am angry with you -- very much so in fact.

That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me, but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know saying that doesn't just make it go away.

> I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I  
think. Whatever he wants, I will support.

Thanks. For being there for him.

> > > If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it.

> > If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I  
already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by  
that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of  
you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again.

> The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to  
be extremely difficult.

Jesus, Wes. I'm TRYING here, okay? I am. This is... this is really hard. I don't even know where to start dealing with it. All I can think of is Connor and how much it hurt him, being a part of me. I don't want to do that to anyone else. But I'm going to try to deal with this, I promise I am. If I can just figure out how.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hello Angel

> > There's always the chance that things will get worse.

Just as there's always a chance things will get better.

But that's going to take a lot of work on your part.

> I'm willing to do it. I swear. I'll do anything. What do you want me to  
do?

If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and groveling....?

> > > I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember  
when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a  
different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me...  
stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly.

> > You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped  
talking to me.

> I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to.

Keep going. I'll let you know when you can stop.

And it's not just me you need to say it to. I'm not the only one you abandoned, though okay, I was the only one you were sleeping with.

But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too often in his life.

> > But then you knew I'd call you on it, didn't you? One of the reasons  
you left.

But you can't run from those Higher Powers. Guess it pays me to have  
friends in high places, huh?

> I was scared. Really scared. All I could think about was how I couldn't  
go through that again, especially not with you. I'm sorry -- I never  
should have left like that.

Funny that. I would've thought that something like this -- what it could mean if you got your head out of worst case scenarios for a minute -- would be exactly the kinda thing you'd want to share with me.

Guess I presumed too much there, huh?

> > One of the first things I ever told you, back when we first met, is  
that the worst thing you could do was cut yourself off from the world  
and people that care about you.

You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you?

> Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit,  
and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for  
something to happen to you because of me.

Like getting knocked up?

Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good moments in the last five years too.

> And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared.

Partially? Angel, you were so fucking terrified I could practically smell it on you over email.

> > > If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things.

> > You're going to have to show me.

> Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle.

For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now that's all I ask -- keep talking.

If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things.

> Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay?

I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being a vampire...

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > But that's going to take a lot of work on your part.

> > I'm willing to do it. I swear. I'll do anything. What do you want me to  
do?

> If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and groveling....?

If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You tell me. Is that what you want?

> > > You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped  
talking to me.

> > I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to.

> Keep going. I'll let you know when you can stop.

Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry.

> And it's not just me you need to say it to. I'm not the only one you  
abandoned, though okay, I was the only one you were sleeping with.

But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too  
often in his life.

I'll tell him. And I AM sorry. I know that he stepped in and kind of took over for me. That I didn't really give him a choice.

> > I was scared. Really scared. All I could think about was how I couldn't  
go through that again, especially not with you. I'm sorry -- I never  
should have left like that.

> Funny that. I would've thought that something like this -- what it  
could mean if you got your head out of worst case scenarios for a  
minute -- would be exactly the kinda thing you'd want to share with  
me.

Guess I presumed too much there, huh?

Well, maybe in a perfect world where I don't watch the mother of my child stake herself in a fucking ALLEY, leaving me alone to raise a baby that wasn't even supposed to be CONCEIVED let alone born... yeah. Maybe if I had any reason to think that things would be okay, then maybe that WOULD be something I'd want to share with you.

What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you there's nothing left for me.

I love you, Doyle. I didn't want to do that to you, and I couldn't deal with the thought of having to go through it again myself. I know I fucked up, but it's not like I didn't have some pretty good reasons for being scared of how things might turn out.

> > > You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you?

> > Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit,  
and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for  
something to happen to you because of me.

> Like getting knocked up?

It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much the last thing on my mind, actually.

Are you sorry?

> Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you  
deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good  
moments in the last five years too.

Sometimes it just feels like the bad ones are bigger, you know?

> > And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared.

> Partially? Angel, you were so fucking terrified I could practically  
smell it on you over email.

Okay. I was terrified. Actually, I still am. But I'm trying. And I'll keep trying.

> > Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle.

> For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to  
want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now  
that's all I ask -- keep talking.

If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things.

I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at this point, but... I mean it.

> > Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay?

> I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep  
telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being  
a vampire...

Yeah. How do you feel about... the whole thing? Are you mad at me because of it?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > I think Doyle is one of the most resilient and remarkable people it's  
ever been my privilege to know.

You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing.

> Good. I mean, I'm glad he's okay. I've worried about him a lot.

You wouldn't have needed to worry about him if you hadn't cut off all contact.

That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face, his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt him a lot.

> > I am angry with you -- very much so in fact.

> That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me,  
but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know  
saying that doesn't just make it go away.

No it doesn't.

> > I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I  
think. Whatever he wants, I will support.

> Thanks. For being there for him.

Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care for.

> > > If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I  
already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by  
that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of  
you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again.

> > The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to  
be extremely difficult.

> Jesus, Wes. I'm TRYING here, okay? I am. This is... this is really  
hard. I don't even know where to start dealing with it. All I can think  
of is Connor and how much it hurt him, being a part of me. I don't want  
to do that to anyone else. But I'm going to try to deal with this, I  
promise I am. If I can just figure out how.

Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe.

Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours.

You've enough that is, I would think.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > > You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing. 

> > Good. I mean, I'm glad he's okay. I've worried about him a lot.

> You wouldn't have needed to worry about him if you hadn't cut off all contact.

That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more  
likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will  
call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face,  
his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt  
him a lot.

I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to him.

> > > I am angry with you -- very much so in fact.

> > That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me,  
but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know  
saying that doesn't just make it go away.

> No it doesn't.

I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't think.

I'm sorry.

> > > I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I  
think. Whatever he wants, I will support.

> > Thanks. For being there for him.

> Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care for.

Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake -- a really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was doing the right thing.

> > > The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to  
be extremely difficult.

> > Jesus, Wes. I'm TRYING here, okay? I am. This is... this is really  
hard. I don't even know where to start dealing with it. All I can think  
of is Connor and how much it hurt him, being a part of me. I don't want  
to do that to anyone else. But I'm going to try to deal with this, I  
promise I am. If I can just figure out how.

> Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot  
of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe.

Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours.

You've enough that is, I would think.

Yeah, thanks for the reminder.

How the hell am I supposed to tell? What I SHOULD feel guilty for and what I shouldn't, I mean? Because I have to be honest here, it all looks pretty much the same from where I'm standing.

I know there were factors, with Connor. Holtz was the big one, but there were other ones too, and you... you were just a tiny piece in a really hugely fucked up puzzle, so don't YOU take on any more guilt than's actually yours.

I don't want to go through that again. I don't know if I could.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hello Angel

> > If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and  
groveling....?

> If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would  
really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You  
tell me. Is that what you want?

Part of me does, yeah. I've missed you.

But I don't think we're ready for that. Not yet.

Things have changed.

> > > I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to.

> > Keep going. I'll let you know when you can stop.

> Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry.

Keep going. If I can't have you groveling in person, I'll take it in email.

> > And it's not just me you need to say it to. I'm not the only one you  
abandoned, though okay, I was the only one you were sleeping with.

But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too  
often in his life.

> I'll tell him. And I AM sorry. I know that he stepped in and kind of  
took over for me. That I didn't really give him a choice.

This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me.

And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*.

> > Funny that. I would've thought that something like this -- what it  
could mean if you got your head out of worst case scenarios for a  
minute -- would be exactly the kinda thing you'd want to share with  
me.

Guess I presumed too much there, huh?

> Well, maybe in a perfect world where I don't watch the mother of my  
child stake herself in a fucking ALLEY, leaving me alone to raise a  
baby that wasn't even supposed to be CONCEIVED let alone born... yeah.  
Maybe if I had any reason to think that things would be okay, then  
maybe that WOULD be something I'd want to share with you.

I can safely assure you, I'm not going to stake myself. I'm not Darla. I'm not a vampire. Yeah, this was still pretty unexpected for a number of reasons, but this isn't a replay of the past.

> What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY  
happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you  
both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you  
there's nothing left for me.

I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad stuff never happens.

> I love you, Doyle. I didn't want to do that to you, and I couldn't deal  
with the thought of having to go through it again myself. I know I  
fucked up, but it's not like I didn't have some pretty good reasons for  
being scared of how things might turn out. 

I love you too.

I understand why you ran, Angel, really I do. But you doing so doesn't change what happened between us or what I'm doing. It doesn't erase it.

It just means you're not here.

> > > > You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you?

> > > Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit,  
and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for  
something to happen to you because of me.

> > Like getting knocked up?

> It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much  
the last thing on my mind, actually.

Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant.

> Are you sorry?

That you knocked me up? No. This wasn't anything I expected to happen, but...

I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then, but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly back in the cards.

> > Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you  
deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good  
moments in the last five years too.

> Sometimes it just feels like the bad ones are bigger, you know?

Yeah. But maybe you can try and dwell on the good stuff just a little?

> > > And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared.

> > Partially? Angel, you were so fucking terrified I could practically  
smell it on you over email.

> Okay. I was terrified. Actually, I still am. But I'm trying. And I'll  
keep trying.

That's all I can ask.

> > > Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle.

> > For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to  
want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now  
that's all I ask -- keep talking.

If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things.

> I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at  
this point, but... I mean it.

It means something.

> > > Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay?

> > I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep  
telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being  
a vampire...

> Yeah. How do you feel about... the whole thing? Are you mad at me  
because of it?

I'm only mad at you for leaving.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and  
groveling....?

> > If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would  
really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You  
tell me. Is that what you want?

> Part of me does, yeah. I've missed you.

But I don't think we're ready for that. Not yet.

Things have changed.

I know. I know you aren't going to be able to trust me again, not for a long time maybe. But I promise I'm going to do everything I can to make this right.

> > Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry.

> Keep going. If I can't have you groveling in person, I'll take it in email.

I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal with it without me. I'm sorry.

> > > But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too  
often in his life.

> > I'll tell him. And I AM sorry. I know that he stepped in and kind of  
took over for me. That I didn't really give him a choice.

> This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without  
Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me.

And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*.

I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to.

> > Well, maybe in a perfect world where I don't watch the mother of my  
child stake herself in a fucking ALLEY, leaving me alone to raise a  
baby that wasn't even supposed to be CONCEIVED let alone born... yeah.  
Maybe if I had any reason to think that things would be okay, then  
maybe that WOULD be something I'd want to share with you.

> I can safely assure you, I'm not going to stake myself. I'm not Darla.  
I'm not a vampire. Yeah, this was still pretty unexpected for a number  
of reasons, but this isn't a replay of the past.

I know you're not a vampire, I'm just saying that my previous experience with this kind of thing was pretty much exactly what I wouldn't have wanted. So if I have a bad picture in my head of how things might go, it's not like I pulled it from thin air.

And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to explain.

> > What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY  
happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you  
both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you  
there's nothing left for me.

> I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And  
how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in  
life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the  
good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad  
stuff never happens.

If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would hold more weight if I wasn't already dead.

> > I love you, Doyle. I didn't want to do that to you, and I couldn't deal  
with the thought of having to go through it again myself. I know I  
fucked up, but it's not like I didn't have some pretty good reasons for  
being scared of how things might turn out.

> I love you too.

Do you? Still?

God, I miss you so fucking much.

> I understand why you ran, Angel, really I do. But you doing so doesn't  
change what happened between us or what I'm doing. It doesn't erase  
it.

It just means you're not here.

I know. You're right, and I'm sorry. I was scared and I just... reacted. And then the more I thought about everything, the more scared I got, until all I could do was convince myself I was doing the right thing by staying the hell away from you. I don't want to hurt you any more. Hell, I didn't want to hurt you the first time. But I'm still scared.

> > > Like getting knocked up?

> > It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much  
the last thing on my mind, actually.

> Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You  
running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant.

At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation, you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because I couldn't see straight.

> > Are you sorry?

> That you knocked me up? No. This wasn't anything I expected to happen, but...

I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first  
discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then,  
but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly  
back in the cards. 

That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know what I would have done. Something different.

> > > Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you  
deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good  
moments in the last five years too.

> > Sometimes it just feels like the bad ones are bigger, you know?

> Yeah. But maybe you can try and dwell on the good stuff just a little?

Okay. I'll try.

You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words maybe, but the same basic thing.

> > > For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to  
want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now  
that's all I ask -- keep talking.

If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things.

> > I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at  
this point, but... I mean it.

> It means something.

I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad.

> > > I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep  
telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being  
a vampire...

> > Yeah. How do you feel about... the whole thing? Are you mad at me  
because of it?

> I'm only mad at you for leaving.

I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need me to do.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more  
likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will  
call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face,  
his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt  
him a lot.

> I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to  
make it up to him.

It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he may let you off easily.

> > > > I am angry with you -- very much so in fact.

> > > That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me,  
but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know  
saying that doesn't just make it go away.

> > No it doesn't.

> I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just  
left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't think.

Next time you can't think, maybe you should talk to those of us who can.

> I'm sorry.

I'm not the one you need to apologise to.

> > Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care  
for.

> Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake -- a  
really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing  
the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was  
doing the right thing.

Considering this isn't the first time you've pushed away/evaded those who care about you? Yes, I do think that's fair.

Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way myself.

> > Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot  
of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe.

Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours.

You've enough that is, I would think.

> Yeah, thanks for the reminder.

That isn't something I intend to fail at again. With this child, I mean.

> How the hell am I supposed to tell? What I SHOULD feel guilty for and  
what I shouldn't, I mean? Because I have to be honest here, it all  
looks pretty much the same from where I'm standing.

If you actively did something that hurt others, then that's something for which you can feel guilty. If something happened because of who or what you are, or because you happened to be in the vicinity, that's not yours to own.

> I know there were factors, with Connor. Holtz was the big one, but  
there were other ones too, and you... you were just a tiny piece in a  
really hugely fucked up puzzle, so don't YOU take on any more guilt  
than's actually yours.

I don't want to go through that again. I don't know if I could.

You won't. Not if there's anything I can do about it.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > > That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more  
likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will  
call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face,  
his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt  
him a lot.

> > I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to  
make it up to him.

> It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he  
may let you off easily.

It's okay with me if it takes a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong -- there's a part of me that would like it if this was easier. I wish it wasn't so hard, and not just for me -- for Doyle too. And for you. But I'm okay with it being a long road to get back to somewhere even close to where we were, as long as it means I can have Doyle back.

> > I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just  
left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't think.

> Next time you can't think, maybe you should talk to those of us who can.

I might need a smack upside the head with a two by four or something. Um, not now. Under those circumstances, I mean. I get a little... okay, a LOT to the point where I can't really hear anything but what's inside my own head.

> > I'm sorry.

> I'm not the one you need to apologise to.

Yeah, you are. You're one of them. And not just because Doyle told me I should -- because he's right. I shouldn't have left at all, but especially not like I did, leaving you to pick up the pieces. It must have been hard. I'm sorry, Wesley.

Really.

> > > Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care  
for.

> > Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake -- a  
really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing  
the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was  
doing the right thing.

> Considering this isn't the first time you've pushed away/evaded those  
who care about you? Yes, I do think that's fair.

But is it really 'abandoning' when I'm doing it to try to protect those people? Just because I was kind of protecting myself at the same time -- which I'm not denying, even though I don't think I knew that's what I was doing, or maybe I just didn't WANT to know -- well, it's not like I ran off to have a good time.

Jeez. I'm not trying to say that I didn't fuck up, I swear. I just want you to understand.

Or maybe I'm just hoping you'll say you don't hate me.

> Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just  
you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard  
way myself.

I get that now. I do. Not saying that my first instinct might not be to do the same damned thing again next time, but at least I'll know enough to fight that instinct.

> > > Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot  
of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe.

Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours.

You've enough that is, I would think.

> > Yeah, thanks for the reminder.

> That isn't something I intend to fail at again. With this child, I mean.

You won't.

Does that mean we're still friends? Or just that it doesn't matter to you one way or the other, because either way you're going to be there for Doyle?

> > How the hell am I supposed to tell? What I SHOULD feel guilty for and  
what I shouldn't, I mean? Because I have to be honest here, it all  
looks pretty much the same from where I'm standing.

> If you actively did something that hurt others, then that's something for which  
you can feel guilty. If something happened because of who or what you  
are, or because you happened to be in the vicinity, that's not yours to  
own.

I might need you to write that down for me. Maybe in smaller words.

> > I know there were factors, with Connor. Holtz was the big one, but  
there were other ones too, and you... you were just a tiny piece in a  
really hugely fucked up puzzle, so don't YOU take on any more guilt  
than's actually yours.

I don't want to go through that again. I don't know if I could.

> You won't. Not if there's anything I can do about it.

See, and again here I'm getting the feeling that you'd be just as happy if I didn't come back. Maybe I'm reading something into your words that isn't there.

What do YOU want, Wesley? What would be the best thing for Doyle? Because that's what really matters.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and  
groveling....?

> > > If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would  
really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You  
tell me. Is that what you want?

> > Part of me does, yeah. I've missed you.

But I don't think we're ready for that. Not yet.

Things have changed.

> I know. I know you aren't going to be able to trust me again, not for a  
long time maybe. But I promise I'm going to do everything I can to make  
this right.

It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us. And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been -- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now.

But, if I can come back from the dead, I think we can manage to get back to where we were.

Eventually.

> > > Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry.

> > Keep going. If I can't have you groveling in person, I'll take it in  
email.

> I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry  
that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal  
with it without me. I'm sorry.

Whoa, back up. Sorry for it happening in the first place? Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10 on the weird scale this is about a 58, and it's certainly not anything I planned for but...

I'm not sorry it happened.

Just sorry to be doing it without you.

> > This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without  
Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me.

And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*.

> I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to.

He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel.

> > I can safely assure you, I'm not going to stake myself. I'm not Darla.  
I'm not a vampire. Yeah, this was still pretty unexpected for a number  
of reasons, but this isn't a replay of the past.

> I know you're not a vampire, I'm just saying that my previous  
experience with this kind of thing was pretty much exactly what I  
wouldn't have wanted. So if I have a bad picture in my head of how  
things might go, it's not like I pulled it from thin air.

And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to explain.

I can understand first initial reactions like that, yeah.

You don't still think like that about this, do you?

> > > What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY  
happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you  
both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you  
there's nothing left for me.

> > I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And  
how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in  
life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the  
good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad  
stuff never happens.

> If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would  
hold more weight if I wasn't already dead.

You may not breathe, but I can give pretty good evidence that you're pretty lively for a dead guy.

> > I love you too.

> Do you? Still?

Yeah.

> God, I miss you so fucking much.

I miss you too. Y'know that, right?

> > I understand why you ran, Angel, really I do. But you doing so doesn't  
change what happened between us or what I'm doing. It doesn't erase  
it.

It just means you're not here.

> I know. You're right, and I'm sorry. I was scared and I just...  
reacted. And then the more I thought about everything, the more scared  
I got, until all I could do was convince myself I was doing the right  
thing by staying the hell away from you. I don't want to hurt you any  
more. Hell, I didn't want to hurt you the first time. But I'm still  
scared.

Yeah, I get that.

But look at it this way -- you say Cordy came and yelled at you. You think she would do that if what you're scared of was going to happen?

We've got a Higher Being looking out for us now, man. I think that means we might get a few more things breaking our way.

> > > > Like getting knocked up?

> > > It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much  
the last thing on my mind, actually.

> > Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You  
running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant.

> At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation,  
you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because  
I couldn't see straight.

Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back.

> > > Are you sorry?

> > That you knocked me up? No. This wasn't anything I expected to happen,  
but...

I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first  
discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then,  
but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly  
back in the cards.

> That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If  
I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know  
what I would have done. Something different.

Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me.

> > Yeah. But maybe you can try and dwell on the good stuff just a little?

> Okay. I'll try.

That's all I ask.

> You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in  
her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're  
saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words  
maybe, but the same basic thing.

Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I loved the most about her.

Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees...

> > > I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at  
this point, but... I mean it.

> > It means something.

> I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad.

Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still trust you.

> > I'm only mad at you for leaving.

> I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm  
going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need  
me to do.

You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust you.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > Things have changed.

> > I know. I know you aren't going to be able to trust me again, not for a  
long time maybe. But I promise I'm going to do everything I can to make  
this right.

> It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have  
changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us.  
And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been  
\-- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now.

You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been there to do.

God, Doyle... I'm so sorry. I really mean that.

> But, if I can come back from the dead, I think we can manage to get  
back to where we were.

Eventually.

I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's yours.

> > I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry  
that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal  
with it without me. I'm sorry.

> Whoa, back up. Sorry for it happening in the first place? Okay, on a  
scale of 1 to 10 on the weird scale this is about a 58, and it's  
certainly not anything I planned for but...

I'm not sorry it happened.

Just sorry to be doing it without you.

I didn't mean... I didn't mean sorry about that. Not LIKE that, anyway. I meant I'm sorry that it happened like this, without us knowing that it was even a possibility. I'm sorry that we didn't know so that we could be more careful, so that we could have, you know, TALKED about it.

And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've missed stuff that I should have been there for.

I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do.

> > > This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without  
Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me.

And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*.

> > I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to.

> He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel.

I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it takes for him to believe it.

> > I know you're not a vampire, I'm just saying that my previous  
experience with this kind of thing was pretty much exactly what I  
wouldn't have wanted. So if I have a bad picture in my head of how  
things might go, it's not like I pulled it from thin air.

And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to explain.

> I can understand first initial reactions like that, yeah.

You don't still think like that about this, do you?

That it's all going to go wrong, you mean?

I don't THINK it. Well okay, that's not true. I still think it, but then I remind myself what Cordy said -- that this is my chance to get things right, that the Powers wanted to give me another shot at it. And I know that I don't want to screw things up again. It's not like I'll get another chance after this one.

But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could possibly make this work.

> > > I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And  
how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in  
life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the  
good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad  
stuff never happens.

> > If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would  
hold more weight if I wasn't already dead.

> You may not breathe, but I can give pretty good evidence that you're  
pretty lively for a dead guy.

Yeah, I guess so.

> > > I love you too.

> > Do you? Still?

> Yeah.

I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I really, really don't deserve you.

But I want you anyway.

> > God, I miss you so fucking much.

> I miss you too. Y'know that, right?

I hoped it. Not that I want you to be hurting, but it means a lot to know you care.

> > I know. You're right, and I'm sorry. I was scared and I just...  
reacted. And then the more I thought about everything, the more scared  
I got, until all I could do was convince myself I was doing the right  
thing by staying the hell away from you. I don't want to hurt you any  
more. Hell, I didn't want to hurt you the first time. But I'm still  
scared.

> Yeah, I get that.

But look at it this way -- you say Cordy came and yelled at you. You  
think she would do that if what you're scared of was going to happen?

We've got a Higher Being looking out for us now, man. I think that  
means we might get a few more things breaking our way.

I hope so.

> > > Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You  
running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant.

> > At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation,  
you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because  
I couldn't see straight.

> Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad  
when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back.

I'm sorry.

> > > I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first  
discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then,  
but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly  
back in the cards.

> > That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If  
I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know  
what I would have done. Something different.

> Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me.

Well, I would have wanted to get some more information first, at least. Like 'Why me?'

> > You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in  
her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're  
saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words  
maybe, but the same basic thing.

> Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I  
loved the most about her.

Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees...

But in the end, she saw you for what you really are. That's got to mean something.

> > I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad.

> Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still trust you.

I'm just sitting here and I don't know what to type. It hurts so much to think that you'd still be able to trust me, after what I did. I feel so... ashamed. I hate myself for putting you through this.

> > > I'm only mad at you for leaving.

> > I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm  
going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need  
me to do.

> You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust you.

I'll keep saying it -- and proving it -- until there's no question left in your mind.

I love you.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > > I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to  
make it up to him.

> > It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he  
may let you off easily.

> It's okay with me if it takes a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong --  
there's a part of me that would like it if this was easier. I wish it  
wasn't so hard, and not just for me -- for Doyle too. And for you. But  
I'm okay with it being a long road to get back to somewhere even close  
to where we were, as long as it means I can have Doyle back.

You should tell Doyle that. I'm sure it will help.

> > > I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just  
left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't  
think.

> > Next time you can't think, maybe you should talk to those of us who  
can.

> I might need a smack upside the head with a two by four or something.  
Um, not now. Under those circumstances, I mean. I get a little... okay,  
a LOT to the point where I can't really hear anything but what's inside  
my own head.

Perhaps we should employ some preventative smacks then.

> > I'm not the one you need to apologise to.

> Yeah, you are. You're one of them. And not just because Doyle told me I  
should -- because he's right. I shouldn't have left at all, but  
especially not like I did, leaving you to pick up the pieces. It must  
have been hard. I'm sorry, Wesley.

Really.

If Doyle can forgive you, it's really not my place to continue to hold a grudge.

> > > > Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care  
for.

> > > Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake --  
a really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing  
the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was  
doing the right thing.

> > Considering this isn't the first time you've pushed away/evaded those  
who care about you? Yes, I do think that's fair.

> But is it really 'abandoning' when I'm doing it to try to protect those  
people? Just because I was kind of protecting myself at the same time  
\-- which I'm not denying, even though I don't think I knew that's what  
I was doing, or maybe I just didn't WANT to know -- well, it's not like  
I ran off to have a good time.

Yes, it is abandoning. Because whatever you told yourself to make it all right, the result for those left behind is the same.

> Jeez. I'm not trying to say that I didn't fuck up, I swear. I just want  
you to understand.

I understand your thought processes. I just want you to understand that whatever you call it, it doesn't change the results.

> Or maybe I'm just hoping you'll say you don't hate me.

I don't hate you, Angel. Things might be simpler if I could hate you, but I can't.

> > Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just  
you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard  
way myself.

> I get that now. I do. Not saying that my first instinct might not be to  
do the same damned thing again next time, but at least I'll know enough  
to fight that instinct.

Let's hope the lesson took this time.

> > That isn't something I intend to fail at again. With this child, I  
mean.

> You won't.

Does that mean we're still friends? Or just that it doesn't matter to  
you one way or the other, because either way you're going to be there  
for Doyle?

Either way I'm going to be here for Doyle.

But we're still friends. Somehow.

> > If you actively did something that hurt others, then that's something for which  
you can feel guilty. If something happened because of who or what you  
are, or because you happened to be in the vicinity, that's not yours to  
own.

> I might need you to write that down for me. Maybe in smaller words.

If you did it, you're guilty. If you didn't do it, you're not.

> See, and again here I'm getting the feeling that you'd be just as happy  
if I didn't come back. Maybe I'm reading something into your words that  
isn't there.

What do YOU want, Wesley? What would be the best thing for Doyle?  
Because that's what really matters.

What do I want? I want Doyle to be happy. If that includes you, then I want that for him.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

> > > It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he  
may let you off easily.

> > It's okay with me if it takes a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong --  
there's a part of me that would like it if this was easier. I wish it  
wasn't so hard, and not just for me -- for Doyle too. And for you. But  
I'm okay with it being a long road to get back to somewhere even close  
to where we were, as long as it means I can have Doyle back.

> You should tell Doyle that. I'm sure it will help.

I'll do that. Thanks.

> > I might need a smack upside the head with a two by four or something.  
Um, not now. Under those circumstances, I mean. I get a little... okay,  
a LOT to the point where I can't really hear anything but what's inside  
my own head.

> Perhaps we should employ some preventative smacks then.

Maybe. Would it make you feel better? Because, if it would... I'd be okay with that.

> > > I'm not the one you need to apologise to.

> > Yeah, you are. You're one of them. And not just because Doyle told me I  
should -- because he's right. I shouldn't have left at all, but  
especially not like I did, leaving you to pick up the pieces. It must  
have been hard. I'm sorry, Wesley.

Really.

> If Doyle can forgive you, it's really not my place to continue to hold a grudge.

Not your place to hold a grudge for him, true. But that doesn't mean you can't hold one for yourself. I walked out on you, too. The circumstances weren't the same, but I still did it, and you have every right to be mad at me for it.

I'm not saying I want you mad at me. Just that, if you are, I get that.

> > But is it really 'abandoning' when I'm doing it to try to protect those  
people? Just because I was kind of protecting myself at the same time  
\-- which I'm not denying, even though I don't think I knew that's what  
I was doing, or maybe I just didn't WANT to know -- well, it's not like  
I ran off to have a good time.

> Yes, it is abandoning. Because whatever you told yourself to make it  
all right, the result for those left behind is the same.

I don't really see it that way, so I'm going to have to take your word for it. I believe you. And it's not going to happen again, so either way, it's okay.

> > Jeez. I'm not trying to say that I didn't fuck up, I swear. I just want  
you to understand.

> I understand your thought processes. I just want you to understand  
that whatever you call it, it doesn't change the results.

I understand that you're saying it's different from how I see it. I don't GET it, not really, but I understand, and I swear to you it's not going to happen again. Ever.

> > Or maybe I'm just hoping you'll say you don't hate me.

> I don't hate you, Angel. Things might be simpler if I could hate you,  
but I can't.

Why simpler? Do you WANT to hate me?

> > > Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just  
you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard  
way myself.

> > I get that now. I do. Not saying that my first instinct might not be to  
do the same damned thing again next time, but at least I'll know enough  
to fight that instinct.

> Let's hope the lesson took this time.

Yeah, let's. Because there's no way I'm going through this again, or putting anyone else through it.

> > Does that mean we're still friends? Or just that it doesn't matter to  
you one way or the other, because either way you're going to be there  
for Doyle?

> Either way I'm going to be here for Doyle.

But we're still friends. Somehow.

If there's anything I can do to make things better between us -- to make it easier for you to forgive me, or to make stuff easier on you -- tell me. I'll do it.

> > I might need you to write that down for me. Maybe in smaller words.

> If you did it, you're guilty. If you didn't do it, you're not.

Got it. I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to the wall next to my bed where I can see it. I figure that way it might have a better chance of sinking in.

> > See, and again here I'm getting the feeling that you'd be just as happy  
if I didn't come back. Maybe I'm reading something into your words that  
isn't there.

What do YOU want, Wesley? What would be the best thing for Doyle?  
Because that's what really matters.

> What do I want? I want Doyle to be happy. If that includes you, then I  
want that for him.

I want to make Doyle happy. I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen, no matter how hard it is. I love him, and after everything he's been through, I'm going to make sure that things are better from now on. For him and for the baby. He says he still loves me and still trusts me, and I'm going to earn every bit of that back. I'm never going to take a chance on losing him again.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have  
changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us.  
And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been  
\-- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now.

> You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been  
there to do.

Yes. But more than that. He's... We've grown close.

> God, Doyle... I'm so sorry. I really mean that.

I know.

> > But, if I can come back from the dead, I think we can manage to get  
back to where we were.

Eventually.

> I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's  
yours.

Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to be very easy.

> > > I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry  
that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal  
with it without me. I'm sorry.

> > Whoa, back up. Sorry for it happening in the first place? Okay, on a  
scale of 1 to 10 on the weird scale this is about a 58, and it's  
certainly not anything I planned for but...

I'm not sorry it happened.

Just sorry to be doing it without you.

> I didn't mean... I didn't mean sorry about that. Not LIKE that, anyway.  
I meant I'm sorry that it happened like this, without us knowing that  
it was even a possibility. I'm sorry that we didn't know so that we  
could be more careful, so that we could have, you know, TALKED about it.

I suppose it would be beating a dead horse to point out that we could've talked about it if you hadn't ran, huh?

> And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've  
missed stuff that I should have been there for.

Enough to be here for the rest?

> I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do.

Yes it was.

> > > > This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without  
Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me.

And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*.

> > > I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to.

> > He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel.

> I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and  
apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it  
takes for him to believe it.

That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now between us.

> > > And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to  
explain.

> > I can understand first initial reactions like that, yeah.

You don't still think like that about this, do you?

> That it's all going to go wrong, you mean?

I don't THINK it. Well okay, that's not true. I still think it, but  
then I remind myself what Cordy said -- that this is my chance to get  
things right, that the Powers wanted to give me another shot at it. And  
I know that I don't want to screw things up again. It's not like I'll  
get another chance after this one.

You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not pronouncements of doom.

> But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's  
true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could  
possibly make this work.

We gotta work on your positive thinking.

> > > If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would  
hold more weight if I wasn't already dead.

> > You may not breathe, but I can give pretty good evidence that you're  
pretty lively for a dead guy.

> Yeah, I guess so.

Believe me, I can vouch for it.

> > > > I love you too.

> > > Do you? Still?

> > Yeah.

> I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you  
could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I  
really, really don't deserve you.

But I want you anyway.

Well, that's a step in the right direction.

> > > God, I miss you so fucking much.

> > I miss you too. Y'know that, right?

> I hoped it. Not that I want you to be hurting, but it means a lot to  
know you care.

Just because you started acting like you've got your head firmly planted up your arse, doesn't mean I stop caring.

> > > > Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You  
running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant.

> > > At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation,  
you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because  
I couldn't see straight.

> > Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad  
when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back.

> I'm sorry.

Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising. Let's work on the next step.

> > > That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If  
I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know  
what I would have done. Something different.

> > Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me.

> Well, I would have wanted to get some more information first, at least.  
Like 'Why me?'

All the while refusing to touch me.

> > > You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in  
her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're  
saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words  
maybe, but the same basic thing.

> > Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I  
loved the most about her.

Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees...

> But in the end, she saw you for what you really are. That's got to mean  
something.

Yeah. Helped me see myself for what I really am too. Both of you did that.

> > > I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad.

> > Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still  
trust you.

> I'm just sitting here and I don't know what to type. It hurts so much  
to think that you'd still be able to trust me, after what I did. I feel  
so... ashamed. I hate myself for putting you through this.

I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you run next time, but no hating.

> > > > I'm only mad at you for leaving.

> > > I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm  
going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need  
me to do.

> > You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust you.

> I'll keep saying it -- and proving it -- until there's no question left  
in your mind.

I know you will.

Angel, this might seem like a weird question, but how do you feel about Wesley? Really? Deep down, I mean.

> I love you.

I love you too.

Doyle


	32. Chapter 32

The drive home was proving to be much longer and more silent than usual. Or than Doyle was comfortable with.

Not that he was surprised about the sudden awkwardness; not when he'd spent most of the day exchanging emails with Angel, and rather expected that Wes had done the same.

Wesley had been driving with both hands on the wheel, which wasn't actually all that usual either -- he was obviously tense and distracted, the few attempts that Doyle had made to start a conversation met with a minimum of reply. He kept his eyes on the road, but when Doyle looked at him, it seemed like he was seeing something far away.

Doyle wanted to start the conversation he knew they needed to have, but the car probably wasn't the best place for it. At least not when they were actually moving. So he was waiting until they got home.

But damn was it hard to just sit here and wait.

He kept quiet until they'd turned onto their street, and then, to his surprise, it was Wesley who broke the silence, turning to glance at him just for a second. "Are you all right?"

"That depends," Doyle answered, taking this for an opening. "On if you are all right."

"I'm fine," Wesley said in a flat voice that made it perfectly clear that he was anything but.

Deciding that hitting this head on was the only way he was going to get Wes to talk to him, Doyle asked, "Okay, and now do you want to try the truth?"

Wesley pulled the car into the nearest spot, not seeming to notice or care that they could have got one closer to the building. "I really don't think you want to know what I'm thinking right now. It might be best to give it some time."

"No, I don't think it would." Doyle reached over and laid a hand on top of Wesley's. "Talk to me, Wes."

"I don't," Wesley said slowly, "want to say anything that will hurt you."

"Keeping things from me hurts more, ya know that. I'm pretty resilient -- you've said so yourself -- so spill already." He deliberately softened his voice a little as he added, "You really don't think I don't have some idea already?"

Wesley looked at him with a small, strained smile. "I didn't say that."

Deciding something other than words might be more effective here, Doyle leaned over and kissed Wes gently. "Come on. Let's go inside and we'll talk this out. It's not as bad as you're thinking, I promise."

"All right."

They made their way inside, Wesley walking just behind Doyle like he usually did, some unconscious kind of chivalry, Doyle thought. Dennis opened the door for them and, also as usual, Wesley was the one to close and lock it. Doyle watched as Wesley hesitated for a long moment, then crouched down to untie his shoes.

Doyle waited patiently, knowing that eventually Wes would run out of things to delay with.

Without getting up or lifting his head, fingers still working at his laces, Wesley asked, "Do you have any idea how angry I am with him?"

"Can guess, yeah."

"I can't *believe* he'd do this. Put you through this again." Wesley stood up, looking anywhere but at Doyle, running a hand through his hair and mussing it up instead of straightening it. "If he hurts you again..."

"I'll survive. Just like I have up to now. Well, barring those years I was dead." Doyle shook his head getting himself back on topic. "He made a mistake and it was a huge one, but he's trying to fix it."

"A 'mistake' is forgetting to phone when you're going to be late coming home," Wesley said, toeing his shoes off. "It's not going off for days and then, when you finally get in touch, saying that you're *never* coming home." His expression softened. "There. I told you I'd just end up hurting you."

"Angel never does anything small." Doyle crossed over to Wes and wrapped his arms around Wesley's waist, having learned that with Wes, touch was as important as words for getting through to him. "That's not what's really bothering you though, is it? Or, at least not all of it."

"No," Wesley admitted, his arms encircling Doyle as well. "Being angry with him isn't bothering me nearly as much as it probably should."

"You don't want him to come back." Doyle said it with a deliberate question in his voice, wanting to get to the heart of what he knew was lurking under the surface.

"What I want," Wesley said, "is for you to be happy. That's what's important to me."

"You make me happy."

It seemed like the right thing to say.

Wesley's eyes were troubled. "But you want him back."

"Yeah. But not at the cost of giving you up." Doyle knew what he wanted; he just didn't know yet if it was anything but a crazy dream. And if that's all it was, he wasn't sure what his fallback position was going to be.

"After everything he's done, you still love him. You still trust him." It was clear that Wesley was looking for confirmation.

"Yeah," Doyle said unflinching.

Shifting their positions slightly, Wesley lay his hand on Doyle's abdomen. "And this is his child."

"Yeah," Doyle said again, softer this time.

"What do you want to do?" Wesley rubbed the barely noticeable swelling of Doyle's stomach in gentle circles. "Will you ask him to come back? Have you... have you even told him about us?"

"I'm working up to it," Doyle said with a faint smile that wasn't the least bit humourous.

Wesley pulled his hand back. "I love you," he said simply. "You know that. I'm not willing to just give you up to him because he's taken it into his head to come waltzing back into your life."

"I'm glad to hear that," Doyle said with a more genuine smile. "Because I'm not willing to be given up." At least he wasn't going to have to deal with some misguided noble gesture. From Wesley at least.

He found himself being gathered back into Wesley's arms and kissed breathless, Wesley's hands possessive in a way he couldn't remember them being before. When they drew apart again, Wesley was looking at him intensely. "You can count on me to be here no matter what," he said. "I'm not leaving."

Okay, this was starting to look like it might be easier than Doyle had been anticipating. "Even if Angel comes back?" he asked, reaching up and laying a hand against Wes' cheek.

There was only the slightest hesitation before Wesley answered. "Even then. I'm not saying that I'll welcome him with open arms -- apparently I'm not as forgiving as you are -- but if you want me to stay, I'll stay."

"I want you to stay," Doyle said, punctuating it with a kiss.

"Even if I'm somewhat less than pleasant?" Wesley asked ruefully, his hand rubbing Doyle's back soothingly.

"Y'know, you're not nearly the ogre you seem to think you are," Doyle pointed out.

"You haven't seen me when the person who abandoned a loved one at a difficult time returns." Wesley brushed his lips across Doyle's mouth lightly. "You look tired. It must have been a very stressful day for you."

"Some yeah," Doyle said, allowing himself to lean on Wesley just a little. "Though a good kind of stress in the end."

"What would you like? I could run you a hot bath?" As usual, Wesley was doing a stellar job of trying to pamper him, even if there were times when Doyle didn't let him because it wasn't necessary.

It wasn't like Doyle didn't like being pampered -- and between Dennis and Wesley he was getting far more than his share of it -- but he worried sometimes about the thought process behind Wesley doing so, so consistently. It spoke of someone feeling like he needed to earn Doyle's regard, of fearing if he stopped, Doyle would stop caring as well.

But every time Doyle brought up the subject, tried to talk to Wesley about it, Wes had skillfully changed the subject. Or just distracted him, which he also did quite skillfully. It was, consequently, a subject that Doyle was trying to take a long-term approach to.

With that in mind, Doyle offered, "Only if you're going to join me in the bath."

Wesley smiled. "I can do that." Even as he stepped back, Doyle could hear the sound of the water turning on in the bathroom, and Wesley called, "Contrary to  
appearances, Dennis, I am capable of running water. But thank you."

"Maybe he thinks you need to be pampered a bit too?" Doyle suggested, heading for his bedroom to undress.

"Maybe." Wesley disappeared briefly into the bathroom, then reappeared flicking water from his hands and with his shirt half-unbuttoned. "Just checking the temperature," he explained.

Doyle chuckled, pulling off his clothes and dropping them in the corner with the rest of the dirty clothes. "Can't help yourself, can you?"

Removing his shirt and setting it down on a chair, Wesley shrugged, then came over closer and ran his hand over Doyle's bare stomach, his touch making Doyle's skin tingle with warmth. "There are times when I don't want to help myself," he said huskily. His hand moved a bit lower, cupping the curve of Doyle's body. "God, it's incredible, isn't it?"

This was one of the things that Doyle loved the most about Wesley -- this sense of wonder that had somehow managed to survive everything he'd been through; a sense of wonder that always made Doyle more aware of his own. "Yeah," he replied, smiling at Wesley and covering his hand with his own. "It is."

"To think that you created life, that it's growing inside you..." Wesley's voice was soft.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Doyle grinned, the whole thing a bit too much for him to look too closely at. "Specially considering all the circumstances."

Wesley seemed to shake himself out of his reverie at the mention of circumstances. "Yes," he said, straightening up. "Come on. I'll wash your back."

"In a minute," Doyle said, pressing close to Wesley and kissing him thoroughly. Seeing exactly how far he could push Wesley's restraint had fast become a favourite pastime.

Considerably longer than a minute later, Wesley had one hand on Doyle's ass and another tangled in his hair, and his gaze was heated when he pulled back. "You are far too talented at that for your own good."

"Oh, I don't know, seems to be pretty good so far." He traced Wesley's smile with a finger. "I like making you look at me like that."

"It's actually difficult *not* to look at you like this," Wesley said. The look in his eyes notwithstanding, it was clear from the press of his body against Doyle's that he was aroused.

"I never said it was a difficult pastime," Doyle teased, leaning in for another kiss.

This one got out of control much more quickly, to the point where Doyle found himself pressed up against the nearest wall with Wesley's hands running over his body knowingly. Wesley's mouth was hard on his, coaxing small sounds from him, the intensity of it spiraling past any they'd experienced together before.

Doyle wrapped himself around Wesley, moving on instinct as he lost himself in Wesley's touch, Wesley's kiss.

Wesley shifted his position slightly, keeping Doyle pinned to the wall with his body and sliding a hand between Doyle's thighs to tease him with fleeting touches. "See what you do to me?" he asked, thrusting the evidence forward against Doyle's hip.

"Maybe you better show me some more?" Doyle suggested, nipping at Wesley's lips and wriggling as much as he could against him.

"Maybe I'd better," Wesley said. He leaned back just enough so that he could fumble with the front of his trousers, then he reached for Doyle's hand and slid it down to press it against his cotton-covered erection. "There. See?"

Doyle tightened his grip around Wesley's cock, squeezing in the way he knew Wes liked. "I'm getting a picture painted here, yeah."

With a sound somewhere between a groan and a growl, Wesley kissed Doyle again.

"You're wearing too much," Doyle managed between kisses.

"I know."

"Ya think we should see about doing something about that?"

Wesley nodded in the middle of the next kiss. "But that would require stopping what we're doing now."

"Or just real good dexterity and multitasking abilities," Doyle pointed out, not letting up at all. "Like patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time."

He felt Wesley shudder. "It's not my stomach I want you rubbing," Wesley gasped.

"I'll be happy to oblige. Just as soon as these annoying clothes are outta the way." Doyle grinned, nipping at Wes' throat.

"Oh, for -- " Wesley spun Doyle around and backed him up the few steps until his legs hit the bed, then pushed him down gently onto the mattress, standing over Doyle as he finished undoing his trousers and shoved them impatiently to the floor. He crawled onto the bed until he was straddling Doyle and kissed him, letting the full lengths of their bodies rub against each other.

Oh yeah, that was *much* better. Doyle all but purred as they lost themselves in teasing each other with what they both wanted.

When Wesley's mouth settled over his nipple, Doyle arched his back, wanting more. Wesley got one knee between his thighs and spread them further, fingers exploring and drawing Doyle to a point of shivering arousal. "God, there's nothing more I want than to be inside you," Wesley said, flicking his tongue over Doyle's nipple.

"Yeah," Doyle gasped, beginning to lose coherent thought. "Sounds good. Let's do that."

He shifted cooperatively when Wesley bent his legs at the knees, and then he could feel just the tip of Wesley's cock nudging at his slick opening, spreading him apart. Wesley kissed him again, and Doyle thought there was a tension there, a need to let go.

"Want you," Doyle whispered against Wes' ear, trying to overcome whatever restraint Wes still had.

It worked -- with one swift movement, Wesley thrust forward, his cock sliding all the way into Doyle. The suddenness of it took Doyle's breath away, leaving him gasping. "God yes," Wesley said, pulling most of the way out and immediately thrusting back in again, his body finding the rhythm it wanted in moments.

Doyle just let himself go, letting Wesley carry him along, losing himself in the rhythm and the pleasure.

Always, before, Wesley had been almost gentle with him, drawing Doyle slowly to orgasm through careful touches and what seemed to be a sort of worshipfulness. Now it seemed that Wesley had, consciously or unconsciously, given that up. Instead of slow, smooth thrusts there were harder, more forceful ones, instead of fleeting touches there was a sense of urgent possessiveness.

It was swiftly driving Doyle completely crazy. He responded with equal fierceness, nails scratching done Wesley's back, wrapping his legs around him, arching up against him, wordlessly asking for more.

Wesley gave it to him, grabbing onto Doyle's hip and using the grip to pull Doyle to him with each thrust, his mouth coming down on Doyle's in an insistent kiss.

It was all intense and overwhelming and so very, very good; Doyle could feel himself on the precipice already as he kissed Wesley back with a wildness he didn't get to express often.

" _Yes_ ," Wesley said, licking Doyle's lower lip and not once slowing his deep, forceful thrusts. "God, Doyle. Yes."

"More," Doyle gasped, capturing Wes' mouth again. He was so close... "Don't stop."

Wesley didn't seem to have any intention of stopping -- he began to move even more quickly, his breathing a steady series of small groans as they rocked together. He bit Doyle's lip and shifted the angle of his thrusts slightly so that each one provided just a bit more friction in the place Doyle needed it.

The sound that shift pulled from Doyle was close to a wail as he shook and came.

As Doyle trembled with the force of his orgasm rushing through him, Wesley thrust into him again and again. Doyle could feel the tension in Wesley's body as he neared his release, could hear it in the way Wesley's groans grew rougher, more pained sounding, and then Wesley froze for just an instant before his hips jerked forward one last time as he poured himself into Doyle.

Doyle wrapped his arms around Wesley when he collapsed forward, holding him close in the aftermath.

For long moments, Wesley lay on top of him, his weight a warm comfort as they both recovered slowly. Then, without lifting his head or moving, Wesley asked, "Are you all right?"

"All right?" Doyle chuckled. "That would be an understatement."

Wesley did lift his head then, looking into Doyle's face with some concern. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive." Doyle reached up to lay a hand against Wesley's cheek. "Wes, in case you didn't notice that was pretty damned fantastic. Like died and gone to heaven fantastic."

"I don't want to hurt you or the baby," Wesley said, pulling out and moving over to lie beside Doyle, one hand cupped protectively over Doyle's stomach.

"Wes, I'm fine. Better than fine. The word blissful comes to mind. Completely sated and besotted." He turned his head and smiled at Wes. "Is any of this sinking in?"

Wesley smiled back at him gently, his thumb rubbing back and forth over the skin of Doyle's abdomen. "Yes. And despite how it might sound, I really do know how strong you are. I know you don't need -- or want -- to be coddled."

Doyle ran his hand down Wesley's arm lazily. "Pampering every now and then's permitted," he offered after a moment's silence.

"I'd love to pamper you," Wesley said, his eyes on his hand where it rested on Doyle's body. "As often as you think you can tolerate it."

"There's a catch though."

He could see from the way Wesley's eyes flickered up to his face apprehensively that Wesley was hiding more insecurity than he was letting on. "A catch?"

Doyle shifted enough to be able to catch Wesley's lips with his own. "Ya have to be willing to let me pamper you as well."

"Oh," Wesley said.

Doyle continued to move until he was lying atop of Wesley, kissing him again before pulling back and grinning at him. "I'm determined to do it, y'know."

"I'm sure you are." Wesley's hand slid up along Doyle's shoulder and into his short hair. "And, as I also know that I'd probably let you do anything you liked, I have no plans to put up a fight."

Doyle snorted at that. "So can I remind you that you said that next time you do put up a fight?"

"I really don't require pampering," Wesley said, evading the question.

"The whole point of pampering is that it consists of things that aren't required," Doyle pointed out.

Wesley's lips twitched. "You really *are* determined, aren't you." His other hand traced its way up and down along Doyle's spine, lingering over each vertebra.

"Pretty much the main thing I'm known for," Doyle teased. "-- determination in the face of senseless resistance."

"Senseless?" Wesley smiled fondly. "I'll make note of that."

"I'm sure you will," Doyle smiled back, then laid his head down on Wesley's shoulder contentedly.

For a few minutes they were quiet, Doyle feeling the gentle rise and fall of Wesley's chest beneath him. Then Wesley said softly, "Things are going to change."

Doyle knew exactly what Wesley was referring to. "Yeah. But things have been pretty much in a state of flux since I got back, so change isn't exactly nothing new. And it doesn't have to be bad."

"What would you like to have happen?" Wesley asked.

"It's probably not very realistic but... I've found I've become very greedy. I want both of you." Even as he said it, Doyle knew it sounded unreasonable to ask for.

Wesley's hand on Doyle's back stilled. "And you think there's some way to manage that?"

"Depends I guess." He caught and held Wesley's gaze. "On how you and Angel feel."

"If you want me to say I'm happy about the idea, I have to tell you in all honesty that I don't think that's going to happen. I don't want to share you. I will, if it's the only way to have you, but I wouldn't like it under any circumstances, and I certainly don't when it's someone who hurt you so badly." Wesley was tense underneath him now.

"So your feelings for Angel have changed then?"

"Since he decided to abandon you despite everything we both had to say to him on the matter? Yes, I'd say they have." Wesley sighed. "I expected more from him."

Doyle shook his head. "I'm not talking about your feelings about Angel in regards to me. For a minute pretend I'm not in the equation. If it was just you and Angel... do you still love him?"

"I'm very, very angry with him," Wesley said, as if that were an answer.

Doyle wasn't going to let him get away with that. "But do you love him?"

When Wesley responded, it was quietly. "I don't know that I want to."

"What makes you think you get a choice in wanting to?" Doyle asked with a sympathetic smile.

Wesley just looked at him for a long moment. "I don't want you to get hurt again. *I* don't want to get hurt again. But yes, I still love him." He sounded defeated.

Doyle laid a hand along Wesley's cheek. "Then there's just a chance that we can make this work." He smiled slightly. "Once we whip a certain souled vampire into shape."

"I'm not like you," Wesley said, clearly troubled. "I can't forgive him that easily. It's likely to be uncomfortable and awkward. There might be shouting."

"Ya think I've never shouted at Angel?"

Wesley shook his head. "That's not the point. Sometimes... well, it can be difficult to listen to someone that you love being shouted at, even if you understand the reasons behind it."

Doyle wondered when in Wesley's past he'd been faced with that situation. "Shouting in this case I think is entirely warranted. I may even join in." He tried a grin. "We could take turns."

"We could," Wesley agreed, his own smile just as strained as Doyle's felt. "I'm concerned that this isn't going to work out the way you want it to. That it might be better for you to let me down gently and just focus on rebuilding your relationship with Angel, if that's what you really want."

"But I don't want to let you down -- gently or otherwise. *Go* down on you, yeah, but not let you down." He brushed fingers through Wesley's hair and stared into his eyes. "You've already been let down far too many times. I won't add to it."

"That's not a reason to stay with me," Wesley said tightly. "Because you feel sorry for me?"

"Trust me Wes, this isn't about pity. I don't do pity fucks." He paused and admitted, "Might have received one or two back a couple of lifetimes ago..." Shaking his head Doyle got back on subject. "You have to know by now that I love you, don't you?"

"But not as much as you love him," Wesley said, rolling Doyle to one side carefully and getting out of bed.

What? Doyle blinked. "What?" he said out loud, flabbergasted. He sat up and stared at Wesley. "Just where in hell did you get that crazy idea?"

"Be honest," Wesley said. "Would you have even looked at me twice if Angel hadn't left?"

"I *had* looked at you twice."

"But you never would have approached me. Not like that." Wesley seemed utterly certain.

"Well, not without laying some prep work with Angel," Doyle admitted.

The expression on Wesley's face was hard, unfamiliar. "I'm not deluded, Doyle. I'm perfectly aware that I'm playing second fiddle to Angel, and I think I've made it clear that I've accepted that. I'm not sure why we need to continue to discuss it."

Doyle ran his hand over his face, frustrated and tired all of a sudden. "So tell me what I have to do to prove you're not."

"If it's true, then you can't." Wesley's shoulders relaxed slightly then, and he came closer and offered Doyle a hand. "You're supposed to be taking a bath."

"You're supposed to be taking it with me," Doyle replied, taking Wesley's hand and letting the other subject drop.

For now.


	33. Chapter 33

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have  
changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us.  
And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been  
\-- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now.

> > You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been  
there to do.

> Yes. But more than that. He's... We've grown close.

Good. I'm sure it's good for him too, to have someone to talk to. I've never been any good at that -- well, except for with you really, and it's still hard -- so I know there are a lot of things he and I haven't said to each other. Things we probably should have. I mean, it's been better since you came back, obviously, and I want it to get better again.

> > God, Doyle... I'm so sorry. I really mean that.

> I know.

Thanks. For understanding, and for being willing to talk to me when I came crawling back. You would have been well within your rights to tell me to get lost.

> > I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's  
yours.

> Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to  
be very easy.

Yes, I mean it. ANYTHING. Tell me.

> > > Just sorry to be doing it without you.

> > I didn't mean... I didn't mean sorry about that. Not LIKE that, anyway.  
I meant I'm sorry that it happened like this, without us knowing that  
it was even a possibility. I'm sorry that we didn't know so that we  
could be more careful, so that we could have, you know, TALKED about it.

> I suppose it would be beating a dead horse to point out that we  
could've talked about it if you hadn't ran, huh?

Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant. Not like talking was going to change that.

> > And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've  
missed stuff that I should have been there for.

> Enough to be here for the rest?

YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me.

> > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do.

> Yes it was.

It will never happen again, I promise.

> > > He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel.

> > I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and  
apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it  
takes for him to believe it.

> That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now  
between us.

I can't say that's encouraging, but he has every right to be mad at me, and every right to take as much time as he needs getting over it. Even if it's not easy, I'll stick it out. I'll do whatever he needs.

The way things are between us -- you mean he doesn't want me to come back. He thinks you'd be better off without me. I kind of got that from stuff that he's said -- he keeps saying that whatever will make you happy is what he wants, which is a pretty clear indication that he prefers things the way they are.

That doesn't make me happy. But again, he's got a right to feel the way he does.

> > That it's all going to go wrong, you mean?

I don't THINK it. Well okay, that's not true. I still think it, but  
then I remind myself what Cordy said -- that this is my chance to get  
things right, that the Powers wanted to give me another shot at it. And  
I know that I don't want to screw things up again. It's not like I'll  
get another chance after this one.

> You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not  
pronouncements of doom.

I'll try. I think I'm going to need help on that one, but I'll do the best I can.

> > But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's  
true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could  
possibly make this work.

> We gotta work on your positive thinking.

Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about it.

> > I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you  
could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I  
really, really don't deserve you.

But I want you anyway.

> Well, that's a step in the right direction.

From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right direction.

> > > I miss you too. Y'know that, right?

> > I hoped it. Not that I want you to be hurting, but it means a lot to  
know you care.

> Just because you started acting like you've got your head firmly  
planted up your arse, doesn't mean I stop caring.

I'll try to remember that. It's reassuring.

> > > Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad  
when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back.

> > I'm sorry.

> Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising.  
Let's work on the next step.

What's the next step?

> > > Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me.

> > Well, I would have wanted to get some more information first, at least.  
Like 'Why me?'

> All the while refusing to touch me.

Maybe. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted to.

> > > Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I  
loved the most about her.

Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees...

> > But in the end, she saw you for what you really are. That's got to mean  
something.

> Yeah. Helped me see myself for what I really am too. Both of you did that.

I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how amazing a person you are.

> > > Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still  
trust you.

> > I'm just sitting here and I don't know what to type. It hurts so much  
to think that you'd still be able to trust me, after what I did. I feel  
so... ashamed. I hate myself for putting you through this.

> I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you  
run next time, but no hating.

I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last thing I want is to ever cause you any pain again.

> > > You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust  
you.

> > I'll keep saying it -- and proving it -- until there's no question left  
in your mind.

> I know you will.

Angel, this might seem like a weird question, but how do you feel  
about Wesley? Really? Deep down, I mean.

Haven't we been through this before? You know I care about him. I feel almost as bad for leaving him in the lurch as I do you -- well, not really, but I feel bad. After you died, he was just... there, looking up to me, but helping a lot more than he ever seemed to think he was, even when he did screw up. I know I took him for granted some of the time. I feel bad about it now, but then I don't think I realized I was doing it. He's... he's so smart it scares me, sometimes. Not that I'm not happy to have him on my team, because I am. Was. Whichever it is.

I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy, and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him, even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of... what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room? Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there.

Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong.

Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know?

> > I love you.

> I love you too.

Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through the time until I hear from you again.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

I... I'm going to tell you something here and I know your first reaction is going to be to stop reading, maybe to stop communicating altogether. I'm asking you now not to do that. Keep reading. Be angry with me if you need to, but... don't go away again.

All right, with that caveat out of the way, here goes...

Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to bring that to an end.

But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does make everything more... complicated.

> > > You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been  
there to do.

> > Yes. But more than that. He's... We've grown close.

> Good. I'm sure it's good for him too, to have someone to talk to. I've  
never been any good at that -- well, except for with you really, and  
it's still hard -- so I know there are a lot of things he and I haven't  
said to each other. Things we probably should have. I mean, it's been  
better since you came back, obviously, and I want it to get better  
again.

I'm glad to hear that. I want things to get better between you and Wes too. I hope you still feel that way after what I just told you.

> Thanks. For understanding, and for being willing to talk to me when I  
came crawling back. You would have been well within your rights to tell  
me to get lost.

I don't want you to get lost. Just the opposite.

> > > I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's  
yours.

> > Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to  
be very easy.

> Yes, I mean it. ANYTHING. Tell me.

Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you?

> > I suppose it would be beating a dead horse to point out that we  
could've talked about it if you hadn't ran, huh?

> Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant.  
Not like talking was going to change that.

No, but it could have helped you deal with it better.

> > > And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've  
missed stuff that I should have been there for.

> > Enough to be here for the rest?

> YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me.

I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me?

> > > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do.

> > Yes it was.

> It will never happen again, I promise. 

I hope you can still mean that.

> > > > He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel.

> > > I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and  
apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it  
takes for him to believe it.

> > That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now  
between us.

> I can't say that's encouraging, but he has every right to be mad at me,  
and every right to take as much time as he needs getting over it. Even  
if it's not easy, I'll stick it out. I'll do whatever he needs.

Please, try to keep that attitude. I know I'll never forgive myself if I end up alienating you two from each other.

> The way things are between us -- you mean he doesn't want me to come  
back. He thinks you'd be better off without me. I kind of got that from  
stuff that he's said -- he keeps saying that whatever will make you  
happy is what he wants, which is a pretty clear indication that he  
prefers things the way they are.

That doesn't make me happy. But again, he's got a right to feel the way  
he does.

Well now you know why he's saying some of that. I hope it doesn't change how you feel about Wes or me too much.

> > You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not  
pronouncements of doom.

> I'll try. I think I'm going to need help on that one, but I'll do the  
best I can.

I mean for this whole situation to be an opportunity too, but I'll give you some time to adjust before I go into too much detail.

Just... don't give up on me quite yet, okay?

> > > But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's  
true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could  
possibly make this work.

> > We gotta work on your positive thinking. 

> Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm  
unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about it.

Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive that we can work things out if you still want to.

> > > I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you  
could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I  
really, really don't deserve you.

But I want you anyway.

> > Well, that's a step in the right direction.

> From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right  
direction.

For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way.

> > Just because you started acting like you've got your head firmly  
planted up your arse, doesn't mean I stop caring.

> I'll try to remember that. It's reassuring.

I don't think there's anything that will make me stop caring for you.

> > > > Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad  
when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back.

> > > I'm sorry.

> > Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising.  
Let's work on the next step.

> What's the next step?

The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further.

> > Yeah. Helped me see myself for what I really am too. Both of you did  
that.

> I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how  
amazing a person you are.

Hope you still feel that way.

> > I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you  
run next time, but no hating.

> I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last thing  
I want is to ever cause you any pain again.

That works both ways, I hope you know. Although I'm sure this hasn't been the easiest email for you to read.

> > Angel, this might seem like a weird question, but how do you feel  
about Wesley? Really? Deep down, I mean.

> Haven't we been through this before? You know I care about him. I feel  
almost as bad for leaving him in the lurch as I do you -- well, not  
really, but I feel bad. After you died, he was just... there, looking  
up to me, but helping a lot more than he ever seemed to think he was,  
even when he did screw up. I know I took him for granted some of the  
time. I feel bad about it now, but then I don't think I realized I was  
doing it. He's... he's so smart it scares me, sometimes. Not that I'm  
not happy to have him on my team, because I am. Was. Whichever it is.

I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go  
into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might  
have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy,  
and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him,  
even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It  
sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my  
own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was  
interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of...  
what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room?  
Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there.

Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong.

Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know?

No, that's exactly what I wanted to know.

My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes?

> > > I love you.

> > I love you too.

> Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through  
the time until I hear from you again. 

It's still true. I love you.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> I... I'm going to tell you something here and I know your first  
reaction is going to be to stop reading, maybe to stop communicating  
altogether. I'm asking you now not to do that. Keep reading. Be angry  
with me if you need to, but... don't go away again.

All right, with that caveat out of the way, here goes...

Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort  
of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to  
bring that to an end.

But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does  
make everything more... complicated.

Yeah, I guess it does.

I've just been sitting here for a while, kind of... staring. You know? Stunned. And part of me wants to be mad, but when it comes right down to it, I know I don't have any right to be. Hell, I TOLD you to get on with your life. That I wasn't coming back. And at the time, I meant it. So it's not my place to be pissed off that you'd...

The thought of someone else touching you, it's... well, not good. Even though it's Wesley. Or maybe because it's Wesley. At least picturing you with some stranger, I didn't have to know what he'd look like. Or she, or whatever.

You're in love with him?

> > Good. I'm sure it's good for him too, to have someone to talk to. I've  
never been any good at that -- well, except for with you really, and  
it's still hard -- so I know there are a lot of things he and I haven't  
said to each other. Things we probably should have. I mean, it's been  
better since you came back, obviously, and I want it to get better  
again.

> I'm glad to hear that. I want things to get better between you and Wes  
too. I hope you still feel that way after what I just told you. 

Right now? I have no idea. Seriously. Everything's kind of numb, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'd rather feel this -- nothing -- than really BE mad at you. Or at Wesley.

> > Thanks. For understanding, and for being willing to talk to me when I  
came crawling back. You would have been well within your rights to tell  
me to get lost.

> I don't want you to get lost. Just the opposite.

Even though you and Wesley are... you still want me back? I'm not saying no. Just... why? And I don't mean him, I mean, why me? Why would you still want me after what happened -- what I did -- when you have someone else? Someone who didn't take off on you when the going got tough?

That's a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all.

> > > Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to  
be very easy.

> > Yes, I mean it. ANYTHING. Tell me.

> Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you?

I'll never stop wanting you. I didn't stop before, and I won't now. And not just because of the... you know.

The baby.

Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird.

> > Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant.  
Not like talking was going to change that.

> No, but it could have helped you deal with it better.

Still would have been a hell of a surprise.

> > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me.

> I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me?

Yes.

> > > > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do.

> > > Yes it was. 

> > It will never happen again, I promise.

> I hope you can still mean that.

I still do. I don't know what the hell we're going to do, but we'll figure out something.

> > > That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now  
between us.

> > I can't say that's encouraging, but he has every right to be mad at me,  
and every right to take as much time as he needs getting over it. Even  
if it's not easy, I'll stick it out. I'll do whatever he needs.

> Please, try to keep that attitude. I know I'll never forgive myself if  
I end up alienating you two from each other.

There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be pissed off for me for leaving.

But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I don't want to lose that.

> > The way things are between us -- you mean he doesn't want me to come  
back. He thinks you'd be better off without me. I kind of got that from  
stuff that he's said -- he keeps saying that whatever will make you  
happy is what he wants, which is a pretty clear indication that he  
prefers things the way they are.

That doesn't make me happy. But again, he's got a right to feel the way  
he does.

> Well now you know why he's saying some of that. I hope it doesn't  
change how you feel about Wes or me too much.

Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you want than what he wants, himself.

> > > You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not  
pronouncements of doom.

> > I'll try. I think I'm going to need help on that one, but I'll do the  
best I can.

> I mean for this whole situation to be an opportunity too, but I'll  
give you some time to adjust before I go into too much detail.

Just... don't give up on me quite yet, okay?

I'm not. I won't.

What kind of detail?

> > > We gotta work on your positive thinking.

> > Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm  
unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about it.

> Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive  
that we can work things out if you still want to.

I'm trying.

And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that, right? It's just... this is a lot.

> > > Well, that's a step in the right direction.

> > From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right  
direction.

> For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way.

Seems like the road is a little more crowded, but yeah. I still want you. God, Doyle. I'm so sorry. I want so much to just... put my arms around you and make everything better again.

> > > Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising.  
Let's work on the next step.

> > What's the next step?

> The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to  
tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further.

Still working on stunned, I think. I'm trying to picture it, and I want to, but I don't want to at the same time, and... confused might be another word. But I'm here.

> > I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how  
amazing a person you are.

> Hope you still feel that way.

Okay, I'm starting to think you're feeling guilty about this, and you shouldn't. I told you to move on, I stopped answering your email... you probably didn't have any reason to think you'd ever hear from me again. I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to be alone. Wesley was right there, and he cared about you. You don't need to feel bad about it.

If we're being totally honest, I'm not saying I'm thrilled. But I understand. It's okay.

> > > I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you  
run next time, but no hating.

> > I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last thing  
I want is to ever cause you any pain again.

> That works both ways, I hope you know. Although I'm sure this hasn't  
been the easiest email for you to read.

It's easier than when you were calling me a bastard, although to be fair I deserved that too.

> > I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go  
into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might  
have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy,  
and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him,  
even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It  
sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my  
own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was  
interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of...  
what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room?  
Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there.

Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong.

Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know?

> No, that's exactly what I wanted to know.

My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes?

How does Wesley feel about threesomes? Somehow I think he'd be even less thrilled about the idea of sharing you than I am. Maybe a lot less, considering it's me. Does he even want me to come back at all?

> > Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through  
the time until I hear from you again.

> It's still true. I love you.

Me too. That's not gonna change.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel,

> > I... I'm going to tell you something here and I know your first  
reaction is going to be to stop reading, maybe to stop communicating  
altogether. I'm asking you now not to do that. Keep reading. Be angry  
with me if you need to, but... don't go away again.

All right, with that caveat out of the way, here goes...

Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort  
of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to  
bring that to an end.

But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does  
make everything more... complicated.

> Yeah, I guess it does.

I got a way of making an understatement, huh?

> I've just been sitting here for a while, kind of... staring. You know?  
Stunned. And part of me wants to be mad, but when it comes right down  
to it, I know I don't have any right to be. Hell, I TOLD you to get on  
with your life. That I wasn't coming back. And at the time, I meant it.  
So it's not my place to be pissed off that you'd...

If you're mad, you're mad. And you have every right to be. I certainly aren't going to tell you not to be.

Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it personally. More than I should I mean.

> The thought of someone else touching you, it's... well, not good. Even  
though it's Wesley. Or maybe because it's Wesley. At least picturing  
you with some stranger, I didn't have to know what he'd look like. Or  
she, or whatever.

You're in love with him?

Yeah.

Still in love with you too.

Like I said, complicated.

> > I'm glad to hear that. I want things to get better between you and Wes  
too. I hope you still feel that way after what I just told you.

> Right now? I have no idea. Seriously. Everything's kind of numb, and  
not necessarily in a bad way. I'd rather feel this -- nothing -- than  
really BE mad at you. Or at Wesley.

I guess not wanting to be mad is a good sign.

But I still won't blame you if you are.

> > I don't want you to get lost. Just the opposite.

> Even though you and Wesley are... you still want me back? I'm not  
saying no. Just... why? And I don't mean him, I mean, why me? Why would  
you still want me after what happened -- what I did -- when you have  
someone else? Someone who didn't take off on you when the going got  
tough?

That's a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all.

Of course I'll answer.

Do I still want you back? Absolutely. Why? Because I love you. More than that, I know what kind of man you are -- I've seen it. I'm not going to stop loving you or write you off because you made one mistake.

We both know I've made my share of those too.

Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see it that way.

> > Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you?

> I'll never stop wanting you. I didn't stop before, and I won't now. And  
not just because of the... you know.

That's good to hear. *Really* good.

> The baby.

Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird.

Yeah, that's pretty much where I am on the whole baby issue myself. Weird about covers it.

> > > Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant.  
Not like talking was going to change that.

> > No, but it could have helped you deal with it better.

> Still would have been a hell of a surprise.

Well yeah. Try it from in here.

> > > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me.

> > I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me?

> Yes.

You have no idea how relieved I am to get that answer.

> > > > > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do.

> > > > Yes it was.

> > > It will never happen again, I promise.

> > I hope you can still mean that.

> I still do. I don't know what the hell we're going to do, but we'll  
figure out something.

I've got some ideas about what I ideally would like to be the eventual arrangement but I may be overly optimistic.

If so, I'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones and take what I can get.

> There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know  
that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be  
pissed off for me for leaving.

Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been left. There's issues there.

> But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I  
don't want to lose that.

I'm glad to hear that. I don't want you -- either of you -- to lose that either.

> > Well now you know why he's saying some of that. I hope it doesn't  
change how you feel about Wes or me too much. 

> Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were  
reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming  
back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you  
want than what he wants, himself.

He kinda takes that to extremes sometimes.

And he's convinced he's "second choice" to you, which drives me crazy because he's not.

Both of you are first choices and...

Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't?

> > I mean for this whole situation to be an opportunity too, but I'll  
give you some time to adjust before I go into too much detail.

Just... don't give up on me quite yet, okay?

> I'm not. I won't.

What kind of detail?

Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity.

> > > > We gotta work on your positive thinking.

> > > Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm  
unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about  
it.

> > Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive  
that we can work things out if you still want to.

> I'm trying.

And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that,  
right? It's just... this is a lot.

Yeah I know. If you need some time before we talk about it more, just say so.

> > > > Well, that's a step in the right direction.

> > > From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right  
direction.

> > For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way. 

> Seems like the road is a little more crowded, but yeah. I still want  
you. God, Doyle. I'm so sorry. I want so much to just... put my arms  
around you and make everything better again.

I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way towards making things better.

> > > What's the next step?

> > The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to  
tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further.

> Still working on stunned, I think. I'm trying to picture it, and I want  
to, but I don't want to at the same time, and... confused might be  
another word. But I'm here.

Thanks. It means a lot to me that you are.

> > > I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how  
amazing a person you are.

> > Hope you still feel that way.

> Okay, I'm starting to think you're feeling guilty about this, and you  
shouldn't. I told you to move on, I stopped answering your email... you  
probably didn't have any reason to think you'd ever hear from me again.  
I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to be alone. Wesley was  
right there, and he cared about you. You don't need to feel bad about  
it.

If we're being totally honest, I'm not saying I'm thrilled. But I  
understand. It's okay.

I'm not sure I'll go so far as to say it's okay, but thank you. There was some guilt happening, as well as wondering when I got so greedy. Because I don't want to give up either of you.

> > > I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last  
thing I want is to ever cause you any pain again.

> > That works both ways, I hope you know. Although I'm sure this hasn't  
been the easiest email for you to read.

> It's easier than when you were calling me a bastard, although to be  
fair I deserved that too. 

Yeah, you did at the time.

> > > I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go  
into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might  
have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy,  
and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him,  
even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It  
sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my  
own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was  
interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of...  
what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room?  
Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there.

Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong.

Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know?

> > No, that's exactly what I wanted to know.

My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes?

> How does Wesley feel about threesomes? Somehow I think he'd be even  
less thrilled about the idea of sharing you than I am. Maybe a lot  
less, considering it's me. Does he even want me to come back at all?

I think Wes is afraid for you to come back, and not just because it will make things... complicated.

He's afraid of getting hurt again.

And for threesome, I'm not just talking about the two of you focused on me, although have to say that is not a horrible event for me to contemplate. I'm talking too about the two of you focused on each other.

Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel.

> > > Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through  
the time until I hear from you again.

> > It's still true. I love you.

> Me too. That's not gonna change.

Thanks. That's good to hear.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort  
of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to  
bring that to an end.

But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does  
make everything more... complicated.

> > Yeah, I guess it does.

> I got a way of making an understatement, huh?

You do. You really do.

> > I've just been sitting here for a while, kind of... staring. You know?  
Stunned. And part of me wants to be mad, but when it comes right down  
to it, I know I don't have any right to be. Hell, I TOLD you to get on  
with your life. That I wasn't coming back. And at the time, I meant it.  
So it's not my place to be pissed off that you'd...

> If you're mad, you're mad. And you have every right to be. I certainly  
aren't going to tell you not to be.

Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it  
personally. More than I should I mean.

Do you really want me to be mad at you? I don't want to be.

> > The thought of someone else touching you, it's... well, not good. Even  
though it's Wesley. Or maybe because it's Wesley. At least picturing  
you with some stranger, I didn't have to know what he'd look like. Or  
she, or whatever.

You're in love with him?

> Yeah.

Still in love with you too.

Like I said, complicated.

That's one word for it. Are you sure you're not just... I don't know...

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

> > Right now? I have no idea. Seriously. Everything's kind of numb, and  
not necessarily in a bad way. I'd rather feel this -- nothing -- than  
really BE mad at you. Or at Wesley.

> I guess not wanting to be mad is a good sign.

But I still won't blame you if you are.

Really, all I want is for you to tell me that you didn't go to Wesley because you stopped loving me. Even though at the time I kind of wanted you to stop loving me, so that you could be happy. It IS complicated, from my side, too, obviously.

> > Even though you and Wesley are... you still want me back? I'm not  
saying no. Just... why? And I don't mean him, I mean, why me? Why would  
you still want me after what happened -- what I did -- when you have  
someone else? Someone who didn't take off on you when the going got  
tough?

That's a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all.

> Of course I'll answer.

Do I still want you back? Absolutely. Why? Because I love you. More  
than that, I know what kind of man you are -- I've seen it. I'm not  
going to stop loving you or write you off because you made one  
mistake.

We both know I've made my share of those too.

Yeah, well, I've made MORE than my share. This wasn't my first mistake, and it probably won't be my last. Are you going to be able to forgive me next time? Because I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself.

> Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see  
it that way.

I hear what you're saying. Not sure how we'll deal with it, but I'm trying to understand.

> > > Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you?

> > I'll never stop wanting you. I didn't stop before, and I won't now. And  
not just because of the... you know.

> That's good to hear. *Really* good.

It's the truth.

> > The baby.

Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird.

> Yeah, that's pretty much where I am on the whole baby issue myself.  
Weird about covers it.

Is it? I mean, does it FEEL weird? Can you feel it yet? Moving, or anything? Are you sick all the time?

Tell me. I want to know.

> > > > Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant.  
Not like talking was going to change that.

> > > No, but it could have helped you deal with it better.

> > Still would have been a hell of a surprise.

> Well yeah. Try it from in here.

Part of me wishes I could, even if, to be perfectly honest, I think I'd probably freak out.

Did you? When you found out?

I'm sorry I wasn't there.

> > > > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me.

> > > I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me?

> > Yes.

> You have no idea how relieved I am to get that answer.

Did you really think you'd get a different one?

> > > I hope you can still mean that.

> > I still do. I don't know what the hell we're going to do, but we'll  
figure out something. 

> I've got some ideas about what I ideally would like to be the eventual  
arrangement but I may be overly optimistic.

If so, I'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones and take what I can get.

What are you thinking? I can't say yes or no until I know. I'm not saying I'll be able to say right away anyway, but at least give me some idea so I can start thinking about it.

> > There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know  
that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be  
pissed off for me for leaving.

> Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been  
left. There's issues there.

Heck, it's not even the first time he's been left by ME, when you get right down to it.

> > But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I  
don't want to lose that.

> I'm glad to hear that. I don't want you -- either of you -- to lose that either.

How's he feel about all this?

> > Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were  
reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming  
back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you  
want than what he wants, himself.

> He kinda takes that to extremes sometimes.

And he's convinced he's "second choice" to you, which drives me crazy  
because he's not.

Both of you are first choices and...

Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't?

No, go ahead. I want to know what you're thinking.

> > What kind of detail?

> Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity.

So tell me more. What do you want to have happen? How does Wes feel about any of it?

> > > Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive  
that we can work things out if you still want to.

> > I'm trying.

And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that,  
right? It's just... this is a lot.

> Yeah I know. If you need some time before we talk about it more, just say so.

No, I'd rather have everything laid out on the table, you know? I think it's easier that way, instead of getting it in little bits and pieces and having to start from scratch every time.

> > > For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way.

> > Seems like the road is a little more crowded, but yeah. I still want  
you. God, Doyle. I'm so sorry. I want so much to just... put my arms  
around you and make everything better again.

> I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way  
towards making things better.

You just say the word and I'm there. You know that, right? I mean, I get why it might not be such a good idea for me to come back before we get some of this straightened out, but if you need me, you just say.

> > > The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to  
tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further.

> > Still working on stunned, I think. I'm trying to picture it, and I want  
to, but I don't want to at the same time, and... confused might be  
another word. But I'm here.

> Thanks. It means a lot to me that you are.

I'm here for good. Well, you know, not HERE where I am, since that would be counter-productive. You know what I mean.

> > Okay, I'm starting to think you're feeling guilty about this, and you  
shouldn't. I told you to move on, I stopped answering your email... you  
probably didn't have any reason to think you'd ever hear from me again.  
I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to be alone. Wesley was  
right there, and he cared about you. You don't need to feel bad about  
it.

If we're being totally honest, I'm not saying I'm thrilled. But I  
understand. It's okay. 

> I'm not sure I'll go so far as to say it's okay, but thank you. There  
was some guilt happening, as well as wondering when I got so greedy.  
Because I don't want to give up either of you.

If I'd stayed, when we found out... do you think you would have had feelings for Wesley? Would I not have been enough?

> > > My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes?

> > How does Wesley feel about threesomes? Somehow I think he'd be even  
less thrilled about the idea of sharing you than I am. Maybe a lot  
less, considering it's me. Does he even want me to come back at all?

> I think Wes is afraid for you to come back, and not just because it  
will make things... complicated.

He's afraid of getting hurt again.

Does he not get that he has the upper hand here? I mean, he's the one who stayed. He's the one who's actually with you now, instead of just talking to you. Typing to you. Speaking... writing of which, can I call you? Maybe not right away, but soon? I think being able to hear your voice would help.

> And for threesome, I'm not just talking about the two of you focused  
on me, although have to say that is not a horrible event for me to  
contemplate. I'm talking too about the two of you focused on each  
other.

Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel.

Okay... I think I'm back at stunned.

Don't get me wrong -- I already told you that I thought me and Wes might have... you know, if things had been different. Which I guess they are now.

He's mad at me. He doesn't want me to come back. I'm not getting how that translates into anything except what it is.

I'm not saying no. You get that, right? I'm just saying... why? And how the hell is this going to work?

Love you.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel,

> > > > But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does  
make everything more... complicated.

> > > Yeah, I guess it does.

> > I got a way of making an understatement, huh?

> You do. You really do.

Least life is never boring.

> > If you're mad, you're mad. And you have every right to be. I certainly  
aren't going to tell you not to be.

Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it  
personally. More than I should I mean.

> Do you really want me to be mad at you? I don't want to be.

I don't want you to be mad at me, but if you are, I'd rather you let it out than bottle it up so you can brood over it later.

> > > You're in love with him?

> > Yeah.

Still in love with you too.

Like I said, complicated.

> That's one word for it. Are you sure you're not just... I don't know...

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

You're not just what? Go ahead and say whatever you were going to, even if you don't think it makes much sense or that I'd want to hear it. I want to hear whatever you're thinking and if you're not sure what that is, I can help you figure it out.

> > I guess not wanting to be mad is a good sign.

But I still won't blame you if you are.

> Really, all I want is for you to tell me that you didn't go to Wesley  
because you stopped loving me. Even though at the time I kind of wanted  
you to stop loving me, so that you could be happy. It IS complicated,  
from my side, too, obviously.

I never stopped loving you -- that's not something that's ever going to happen.

In fact, Wes' feelings for you were part of what drew me to him in the first place.

> > Do I still want you back? Absolutely. Why? Because I love you. More  
than that, I know what kind of man you are -- I've seen it. I'm not  
going to stop loving you or write you off because you made one  
mistake.

We both know I've made my share of those too.

> Yeah, well, I've made MORE than my share. This wasn't my first mistake,  
and it probably won't be my last. Are you going to be able to forgive  
me next time? Because I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself.

None of us are perfect -- I think we'd be a damn sight more boring if we were. Okay, this was a bigger misstep than usual, but we're working on fixing it. And who knows? In the end it might prove to be a lucky misstep.

> > Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see  
it that way.

> I hear what you're saying. Not sure how we'll deal with it, but I'm  
trying to understand.

Never thought I'd find myself in this situation. Having two people I want who want me back, I mean. I never thought I'd be in any of the other parts of this situation either, but those I think go more without saying.

> > > The baby.

Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird.

> > Yeah, that's pretty much where I am on the whole baby issue myself.  
Weird about covers it.

> Is it? I mean, does it FEEL weird? Can you feel it yet? Moving, or  
anything? Are you sick all the time?

Tell me. I want to know.

W&H medical gave me some kind of potion or medicine or something -- I think I'm happier not knowing exactly what it is -- but whatever it is, it works. Haven't been sick since I started taking it.

At the moment the biggest thing I notice is that I get tired faster.

> > > Still would have been a hell of a surprise.

> > Well yeah. Try it from in here.

> Part of me wishes I could, even if, to be perfectly honest, I think I'd  
probably freak out.

Yeah, you would. I went through the whole finding out I'm half-demon/dying/coming back trapped in a computer/getting one of my best friends who happens to be a woman's body preparation course and even that doesn't really prepare a guy.

Girl.

Whatever I'm supposed to be now.

> Did you? When you found out?

Freak out? Not as much as you might have expected. Mostly, granted because I was so focused on you taking off and finding you that by the time I got around to freaking out over this it had sunk in when I wasn't looking and seemed... well, not normal, but something I could deal with.

> I'm sorry I wasn't there.

If you had been, I probably would have freaked as much as you. Wouldn't have had that annoying "Where is Angel?" question to distract me.

So... silver lining maybe.

> > > > > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me.

> > > > I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me?

> > > Yes.

> > You have no idea how relieved I am to get that answer.

> Did you really think you'd get a different one?

I don't know. I'd hoped, but...

Traditionally "by the way I'm sleeping with someone else" tends to be a big relationship ender after all.

And mucking up what we had -- have -- would be a trick right up my alley.

> > I've got some ideas about what I ideally would like to be the eventual  
arrangement but I may be overly optimistic.

If so, I'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones and take what I can  
get.

> What are you thinking? I can't say yes or no until I know. I'm not  
saying I'll be able to say right away anyway, but at least give me some  
idea so I can start thinking about it.

I don't know if anyone can say yes or no about this working at this point.

What I'd most like to see, my ideal outcome from all this? Would be the three of us in some kind of relationship somehow. Not just me with you and me with Wes, but you and Wes together too.

I *think* it's possible. But it's probably going to take a lot to get there.

> > > There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know  
that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be  
pissed off for me for leaving.

> > Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been  
left. There's issues there.

> Heck, it's not even the first time he's been left by ME, when you get  
right down to it.

I think he's got it in his head that it's only a matter of time before I leave too.

Kinda like how you are so sure that it's only a matter of time before you do something that chases me off.

The two of you aren't so different.

> > > But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I  
don't want to lose that.

> > I'm glad to hear that. I don't want you -- either of you -- to lose  
that either.

> How's he feel about all this?

Right now, he's still angry, but I'm pretty sure that's just because if he wasn't he'd have to deal with the fear that if he lets you back in, he'll end up getting hurt and rejected again.

Not sure if he's aware of that being the reason why he's angry, but from where I sit, it's pretty damn clear.

> > > Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were  
reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming  
back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you  
want than what he wants, himself.

> > He kinda takes that to extremes sometimes.

And he's convinced he's "second choice" to you, which drives me crazy  
because he's not.

Both of you are first choices and...

Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't?

> No, go ahead. I want to know what you're thinking.

I'm thinking that I want to get it through Wesley's stubborn British skull that he's not and never has been second choice to me -- or to you for that matter. But I don't think I can do that alone. Not even sure I can do it with your help, but there's a better chance of it then.

> > > What kind of detail?

> > Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity.

> So tell me more. What do you want to have happen? How does Wes feel  
about any of it?

I haven't actually brought up the threesome word to Wes yet, mostly due to the whole he's convinced I see him as a second choice thing. If I do suggest it, he isn't going to see it as my wanting both of you -- he's going to see it as my wanting you and not wanting to hurt him.

I'm telling you, Angel, the boy is going to drive me right nuts with this second class citizen insistence he keeps doing.

I've reason to believe, if we can get past those insecurities of Wesley's, that he wouldn't be adverse to the idea.

But I'm pretty sure the first step towards that with him is going to have to come from you, not me.

> > > And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that,  
right? It's just... this is a lot.

> > Yeah I know. If you need some time before we talk about it more, just  
say so.

> No, I'd rather have everything laid out on the table, you know? I think  
it's easier that way, instead of getting it in little bits and pieces  
and having to start from scratch every time.

Well I'm laying as much of my cards on the table as I can here.

> > I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way  
towards making things better.

> You just say the word and I'm there. You know that, right? I mean, I  
get why it might not be such a good idea for me to come back before we  
get some of this straightened out, but if you need me, you just say.

You don't know how much I want to say that word. Really.

> > I'm not sure I'll go so far as to say it's okay, but thank you. There  
was some guilt happening, as well as wondering when I got so greedy.  
Because I don't want to give up either of you.

> If I'd stayed, when we found out... do you think you would have had  
feelings for Wesley? Would I not have been enough?

Oh, don't you start with the insecurity too -- I can only handle one of you doing that at a time.

I can't say the thought of adding Wesley to our mix didn't cross my mind back before you left, but not because you're not enough. God, Angel, for a very long time now my life has been pretty much focused on you in one way or the other -- and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I didn't speculate about Wes because you weren't enough -- I speculated about Wes because I thought that what we have was MORE than enough to share with someone I know you have feelings for, and who has feelings for you.

If anything, I figured I would be the odd man (or whatever) out.

> > I think Wes is afraid for you to come back, and not just because it  
will make things... complicated.

He's afraid of getting hurt again.

> Does he not get that he has the upper hand here? I mean, he's the one  
who stayed. He's the one who's actually with you now, instead of just  
talking to you. Typing to you. Speaking... writing of which, can I call  
you? Maybe not right away, but soon? I think being able to hear your  
voice would help.

No, he doesn't. All he sees is that I was with you first, that I still love you and that in his mind makes him second choice.

And god, yeah. Please call. I've still got my cell phone you gave me -- you remember the number, right?

> > And for threesome, I'm not just talking about the two of you focused  
on me, although have to say that is not a horrible event for me to  
contemplate. I'm talking too about the two of you focused on each  
other.

Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel.

> Okay... I think I'm back at stunned.

Don't get me wrong -- I already told you that I thought me and Wes  
might have... you know, if things had been different. Which I guess  
they are now.

He's mad at me. He doesn't want me to come back. I'm not getting how  
that translates into anything except what it is.

You did get the part about him being scared, right?

And hell, Angel, of course he's mad at you. I'm mad at you too. Or at least I was. Not so much anymore. But when Wes stops being mad he has to move on to dealing with his other feelings about you. Easier to just try and stay angry.

> I'm not saying no. You get that, right? I'm just saying... why? And how  
the hell is this going to work?

Why? Because I love the both of you and I know you care for each other. This is the only thing I can come up with that someone doesn't end up hurt and on the outside.

How? Never said it was going to be easy, but I think it's doable. Otherwise I wouldn't be blathering on about it like I am.

> Love you.

Love you too. Always.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > > I got a way of making an understatement, huh?

> > You do. You really do.

> Least life is never boring.

Would it be ungrateful of me to say that I wouldn't mind boring? At least for a little while?

> > > Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it  
personally. More than I should I mean.

> > Do you really want me to be mad at you? I don't want to be.

> I don't want you to be mad at me, but if you are, I'd rather you let it out than  
bottle it up so you can brood over it later.

I'm not mad at you. I think. I feel... I don't know, something, but it's not mad.

> > > Like I said, complicated.

> > That's one word for it. Are you sure you're not just... I don't know...

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

> You're not just what? Go ahead and say whatever you were going to, even if you  
don't think it makes much sense or that I'd want to hear it. I want to hear  
whatever you're thinking and if you're not sure what that is, I can help you  
figure it out.

Trying not to be lonely? Which makes it sound like I don't think you or anyone would want Wesley otherwise, which I hope you know isn't what I actually think. Or maybe hedging your bets, so that if things with me or Wesley don't work out, you won't be alone? And I don't mean that in a bad way -- I wouldn't blame you if that was what you were trying to do, consciously or unconsciously.

> > Really, all I want is for you to tell me that you didn't go to Wesley  
because you stopped loving me. Even though at the time I kind of wanted  
you to stop loving me, so that you could be happy. It IS complicated,  
from my side, too, obviously.

> I never stopped loving you -- that's not something that's ever going to happen.

Good. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had, but I'm glad you didn't.

> In fact, Wes' feelings for you were part of what drew me to him in the first  
place.

Because he and I were friends? Or because he, you know, loved me? Did he, really? Does he? How do you know?

> > Yeah, well, I've made MORE than my share. This wasn't my first mistake,  
and it probably won't be my last. Are you going to be able to forgive  
me next time? Because I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself.

> None of us are perfect -- I think we'd be a damn sight more boring if we were.  
Okay, this was a bigger misstep than usual, but we're working on fixing it. And  
who knows? In the end it might prove to be a lucky misstep.

I don't know about lucky, but I'll be happy if we can get past it.

> > > Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see  
it that way.

> > I hear what you're saying. Not sure how we'll deal with it, but I'm  
trying to understand.

> Never thought I'd find myself in this situation. Having two people I want who  
want me back, I mean. I never thought I'd be in any of the other parts of this  
situation either, but those I think go more without saying.

I know I'm probably biased, but I can't imagine anyone knowing you and NOT wanting you. Assuming you were, you know, the kind of person they were attracted to.

> > Is it? I mean, does it FEEL weird? Can you feel it yet? Moving, or  
anything? Are you sick all the time?

Tell me. I want to know.

> W&H medical gave me some kind of potion or medicine or something -- I think I'm  
happier not knowing exactly what it is -- but whatever it is, it works. Haven't  
been sick since I started taking it.

At the moment the biggest thing I notice is that I get tired faster.

The feeling sick thing is supposed to pass after the first trimester anyway, so after that you might feel okay even without the potion.

I've been reading some stuff. Trying to make up for what I'm missing.

Just make sure you get enough sleep, okay? And don't overdo it. Take care of yourself.

> > Part of me wishes I could, even if, to be perfectly honest, I think I'd  
probably freak out.

> Yeah, you would. I went through the whole finding out I'm  
half-demon/dying/coming back trapped in a computer/getting one of my  
best friends who happens to be a woman's body preparation course and  
even that doesn't really prepare a guy.

Girl.

Whatever I'm supposed to be now.

You're whatever you think you are. You're in a woman's body, but that doesn't mean you're a woman, not if you don't feel like one. Whatever you feel is okay. We'll figure it out. It might take some time, but we will.

> > Did you? When you found out?

> Freak out? Not as much as you might have expected. Mostly, granted  
because I was so focused on you taking off and finding you that by the  
time I got around to freaking out over this it had sunk in when I  
wasn't looking and seemed... well, not normal, but something I could  
deal with.

I hope you aren't just saying that to make me feel better.

> > I'm sorry I wasn't there.

> If you had been, I probably would have freaked as much as you.  
Wouldn't have had that annoying "Where is Angel?" question to distract  
me.

So... silver lining maybe.

Maybe. I still I wish I'd stayed.

> I don't know. I'd hoped, but...

Traditionally "by the way I'm sleeping with someone else" tends to be  
a big relationship ender after all.

Not if you still love me. That's what matters. I won't lie and say I'm happy about it, but I want you more than it matters that you've been sleeping with Wesley. And, hard as it is, I'm glad that you haven't been alone.

> And mucking up what we had -- have -- would be a trick right up my alley.

Doyle -- what went wrong was MY fault. Not yours. You didn't have any hand in how things went, and I'd hate to think you were blaming yourself for ANY of it.

You didn't do anything wrong. Believe me.

> > What are you thinking? I can't say yes or no until I know. I'm not  
saying I'll be able to say right away anyway, but at least give me some  
idea so I can start thinking about it.

> I don't know if anyone can say yes or no about this working at this point.

What I'd most like to see, my ideal outcome from all this? Would be  
the three of us in some kind of relationship somehow. Not just me with  
you and me with Wes, but you and Wes together too.

I *think* it's possible. But it's probably going to take a lot to get there.

I guess I can see how it might be possible. Complicated -- we seem to use that word a lot, don't we, especially considering how much I don't like it -- but possible. Although it depends on Wesley, too, not just on us.

> > > Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been  
left. There's issues there.

> > Heck, it's not even the first time he's been left by ME, when you get  
right down to it.

> I think he's got it in his head that it's only a matter of time before  
I leave too.

Kinda like how you are so sure that it's only a matter of time before  
you do something that chases me off.

The two of you aren't so different.

I guess not. I usually think we are, what with him being so smart and everything. I'm willing to do what it takes to convince him things will work out this time, whatever that might be.

> > How's he feel about all this?

> Right now, he's still angry, but I'm pretty sure that's just because  
if he wasn't he'd have to deal with the fear that if he lets you back  
in, he'll end up getting hurt and rejected again.

Not sure if he's aware of that being the reason why he's angry, but  
from where I sit, it's pretty damn clear.

Sounds like him. But again, if it's what you think is best, I'll do whatever I can to prove to him that it'll be different this time. I miss him, too, you know. Not the same way I miss you, but I do.

> > > Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't?

> > No, go ahead. I want to know what you're thinking.

> I'm thinking that I want to get it through Wesley's stubborn British  
skull that he's not and never has been second choice to me -- or to  
you for that matter. But I don't think I can do that alone. Not even  
sure I can do it with your help, but there's a better chance of it  
then.

Tell me what to do, then. What should I say? I think I'm going to need some guidance or chances are good I'll say the worst possible thing and just screw everything up again, and that's pretty close to the last thing I want to do. Am I supposed to say he's my first choice? Because I'm not sure I can do that. I can tell him he's important to me, and that I don't want to lose him. I can even tell him I've always been attracted to him. But I think he and I are going to need some more time to work things out before the not-second-thing is true. For him, too -- I'm sure if he was given the choice, he'd have me stay away and just keep you for himself, and again, I can't say that I blame him.

> > > Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity.

> > So tell me more. What do you want to have happen? How does Wes feel  
about any of it?

> I haven't actually brought up the threesome word to Wes yet, mostly  
due to the whole he's convinced I see him as a second choice thing. If  
I do suggest it, he isn't going to see it as my wanting both of you --  
he's going to see it as my wanting you and not wanting to hurt him.

I'm telling you, Angel, the boy is going to drive me right nuts with  
this second class citizen insistence he keeps doing.

I've reason to believe, if we can get past those insecurities of  
Wesley's, that he wouldn't be adverse to the idea.

But I'm pretty sure the first step towards that with him is going to  
have to come from you, not me.

Okay. I can talk to him about it. But I think a lot of it's going to have to wait until he and I can have some time together in person, time to work through stuff.

> > No, I'd rather have everything laid out on the table, you know? I think  
it's easier that way, instead of getting it in little bits and pieces  
and having to start from scratch every time.

> Well I'm laying as much of my cards on the table as I can here.

We'll work it out, Doyle. I promise.

> > > I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way  
towards making things better.

> > You just say the word and I'm there. You know that, right? I mean, I  
get why it might not be such a good idea for me to come back before we  
get some of this straightened out, but if you need me, you just say.

> You don't know how much I want to say that word. Really.

Then say it. Just say it.

Okay, no. I mean, I want you to, but don't do it until you're ready.

> > If I'd stayed, when we found out... do you think you would have had  
feelings for Wesley? Would I not have been enough?

> Oh, don't you start with the insecurity too -- I can only handle one  
of you doing that at a time.

Sorry. I'll try to keep reminding myself that you still want me. God knows that's way more than I deserve.

> I can't say the thought of adding Wesley to our mix didn't cross my  
mind back before you left, but not because you're not enough. God  
Angel, for a very long time now my life has been pretty much focused  
on you in one way or the other -- and I wouldn't have it any other  
way.

I didn't speculate about Wes because you weren't enough -- I  
speculated about Wes because I thought that what we have was MORE than  
enough to share with someone I know you have feelings for, and who has  
feelings for you.

If anything, I figured I would be the odd man (or whatever) out.

That's the last thing you'll ever be. We both need you, isn't that obvious? And I can't say the thought isn't appealing...

> > Does he not get that he has the upper hand here? I mean, he's the one  
who stayed. He's the one who's actually with you now, instead of just  
talking to you. Typing to you. Speaking... writing of which, can I call  
you? Maybe not right away, but soon? I think being able to hear your  
voice would help.

> No, he doesn't. All he sees is that I was with you first, that I still  
love you and that in his mind makes him second choice.

No wonder he's having such a hard time with this.

> And god, yeah. Please call. I've still got my cell phone you gave me  
\-- you remember the number, right?

Okay. I don't have a phone here -- I'm actually at one of these internet cafe places, and there's no phone where I've been staying -- but I'll find a phone somewhere and call you in a little while. It's not too late, and if you're home reading this then you'll know it's me calling. If you're not home, I'll try again tomorrow. Every hour, maybe. And of course I remember the number. I probably still would have remembered it ten years from now. Twenty.

> > > Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel.

> > Okay... I think I'm back at stunned.

Don't get me wrong -- I already told you that I thought me and Wes  
might have... you know, if things had been different. Which I guess  
they are now.

He's mad at me. He doesn't want me to come back. I'm not getting how  
that translates into anything except what it is.

> You did get the part about him being scared, right?

I did. I know. I'll try to convince him that he doesn't have to be, if I can figure out some way to do that.

> And hell, Angel, of course he's mad at you. I'm mad at you too. Or at  
least I was. Not so much anymore. But when Wes stops being mad he has  
to move on to dealing with his other feelings about you. Easier to  
just try and stay angry.

I get what you're saying. And... there's time, you know? He can stay mad at me for a while if that's what he needs to do. I'll still be here.

> > I'm not saying no. You get that, right? I'm just saying... why? And how  
the hell is this going to work?

> Why? Because I love the both of you and I know you care for each  
other. This is the only thing I can come up with that someone doesn't  
end up hurt and on the outside.

How? Never said it was going to be easy, but I think it's doable.  
Otherwise I wouldn't be blathering on about it like I am.

You're not blathering. You make more sense than anybody I've ever known.

> > Love you.

> Love you too. Always.

I'm hitting send and then I'm going to go find a phone.

\- Angel


	34. Chapter 34

*Ring* *Ring*

Doyle: "Doyle."

Angel: "Hi, Doyle, it's... it's Angel."

Doyle: "Hi."

Angel: "Hi. How are you? "

Doyle: "Pregnant. You?"

Angel: "Okay."

Doyle: "This is going to be a real long conversation, isn't it?"

Angel: "Sorry. I guess... I don't know what to say."

Doyle: "It's good to hear your voice. Even if you don't know what to say."

Angel: "Yeah, it's... it's good to hear yours too."

Doyle: "How good?"

Angel: "Really good. Doyle.. "

Doyle: "Yeah?"

Angel: "I'm sorry. For leaving. I mean... I'm really, really sorry."

Doyle: "I know. It's okay. Well, not *okay*, but you don't need to apologise anymore. Least to me."

Angel: "It feels like I should."

Doyle: "Yeah, well you still feel like you should apologise for that whole Scourge of Europe thing. Sometimes you just gotta move on. You're sorry. I know that. It's forgiven. Okay?"

Angel: "Okay. Okay... um... how are things?"

Doyle: "Not bad. Miss you, though."

Angel: "I miss you, too. A lot. More than a lot."

Doyle: "Where are you, anyway?"

Angel: "About four hours north of you. Um, if you're still in LA You are, right?"

Doyle: " Yes, Angel. Moved into Cordy's old apartment when you left and I'm helping Wes and the others hold down the fort at the evil law firm -- an evilness that can be proven just by the amount of paperwork involved in its running."

Angel: "Oh, right. I kind of forgot about the Wolfram and Hart thing. Yeah, I can honestly say the paperwork is one of the few things I *don't* miss. How's Wesley?"

Doyle: "He's... quiet."

Angel: "Yeah, you could say that again. He still hasn't answered my last email. Do you think... he's really mad, isn't he."

Doyle: "Mad, scared, hurt... Every time I try to get him to talk about it he changes the subject or... well *changes* the subject."

Angel: "How can I help?"

Doyle: "Talk to him? I know that that's like asking you to endure torture with hot pokers, but --"

Angel: "I *was* talking to him. He's the one who stopped. But... yeah, okay. I mean, I'll email him again and see what happens."

Doyle: "See, that's where the problem is -- you can't *stop* talking just because he does. I mean, look at me. Do you think I would've wormed my way into your life if I'd actually listened when you said you didn't want to talk?"

Angel: "Okay, you've got a point there. I'll... I'll try. Okay?"

Doyle: "Thanks."

Angel: "Well it's not like I want him to be miserable. And it's my fault all of this happened in the first place... it's no wonder he's mad. And worried. I'd be worried about losing you, too, if it was me."

Doyle: "*You're* not though, are you? Worried?"

Angel: "No. Well, maybe sometimes. Should I be?"

Doyle: "What do you think?"

Angel: "You know, that kind of answer doesn't score real high on the reassurance scale. Am I worried about losing you? Yes. I probably always will be. You, and... and the baby."

Doyle: "Weird actually saying it out loud, isn't it?"

Angel: "Yeah, it is. God, Doyle... I'm so scared."

Doyle: "Everything's going to be fine, I promise. Would it help if you came back? Or... if I came to visit you where you are now?"

Angel: "Could you? I mean... would you? I don't... it's not a nice place. Where I'm staying. I could get a hotel room or something though, if you wanted to... or two rooms. Whatever you want."

Doyle: "Angel, you do remember what my old apartment looked like, right?"

Angel: "Yeah... but that's different. You're... you shouldn't have to see this place, you know? It's not... you just shouldn't. I don't want you to."

Doyle: "I wouldn't be coming to see the place. I'd be coming to see you."

Angel: "I don't want you to see me here. I'll get you a room at the hotel up the street. Okay?"

Doyle: "I won't argue with you. You are going to be staying with me though, right?"

Angel: "If you want me to? Yes. But you don't have to decide right now. We might... you might need some time. I get that. I don't want to rush you."

Doyle: "You're not rushing me. Trust me."

Angel: "Okay. Um... what about Wesley?"

Doyle: "I'll tell him where I'm going. He'll understand, least as far as my having to do this. He probably won't like it much though."

Angel: "It's just going to be one more thing to hate me for, isn't it."

Doyle: "You leave Wes to me. About this anyway."

Angel: "Are you sure? I mean, that you want to do this? It's not that I don't want to see you -- I do. But I don't want to make things harder on him than they already are."

Doyle: "I'm really feeling like I need to see you. God, you have no idea how much I missed you..."

Angel: " Really? I miss you, too. All the time."

Doyle: "Tell me where you are and I can leave tonight."

Angel: "I'll email you directions. Are you sure? I mean, really sure?"

Doyle: "Yeah. I'm sure already."

Angel: "Okay. Give me an hour to make a couple of calls and email you everything, and... I'll see you tonight. Wow. That sounds weird."

Doyle: "But good."

Angel: "Great, actually. Do me a favor? Tell Wesley... well, tell him I say hi. And I miss him. Unless you think it'll just make things worse."

Doyle: "I'll tell him. Love you."

Angel: "I love you, too. And Doyle?"

Doyle: "Yeah?"

Angel: "Be careful, okay? On the way here, I mean. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Doyle: "I will."

 

* * * * *

 

Angel had been waiting in the lobby of the hotel for almost an hour, which was okay, since he'd arrived an hour early. He'd spent the first five minutes checking in and getting the room key, and the next fifty-five alternately sitting on a couch that was way too soft and getting up to pace. He was nervous. God, he was nervous. He wanted to see Doyle so badly, and yet he couldn't help but worry that he was going to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, or...

The automatic doors made the little clicking sound they made just before they swooshed open, and Doyle came in.

He looked the same. Angel wasn't sure why he thought he wouldn't. He watched as Doyle looked around the lobby, his eyes lighting up when they spotted Angel.

The next thing Angel knew, Doyle was across the room to where he was, kissing him quite thoroughly.

He couldn't help but wrap his arms around Doyle and kiss him back, aware that other people in the lobby were watching them and not caring at all. "God," he gasped, running a hand up into Doyle's hair, which was slightly longer than the last time he'd seen him, "Doyle."

Doyle grinned at him. "Figured I'd have us skip all the recriminations and 'do you really want this?'s and get to the good stuff."

As much as he wanted to just stand there and kiss Doyle again and again, Angel thought it probably wasn't the best idea. He smiled in a strained sort of way and reached into his pocket. "I've got your room key," he said, offering it to Doyle. "I thought... maybe you'd want to go up on your own, get settled...?"

"Among other things." Doyle's grin turned wicked.

"Okay." Angel pressed the card into Doyle's hand, sticking his own hands into his pockets awkwardly. "I can hang out down here until you're done. Then maybe we could go get something to eat? If you're hungry, I mean." He felt on display and unsure of himself, but the last thing he wanted to do was crowd Doyle.

"Angel?"

"Yeah?" He tried to stop fidgeting and forced himself to look up into Doyle's green eyes.

"One of the things I was hoping to do right now is you."

Angel dropped his gaze to the floor again. "Oh."

Doyle reached out and took his hand. "Now we could continue this discussion here, but I don't know if you'd want to put on that much of a show. So it might be a good idea for both of us to head upstairs, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Angel muttered, squeezing Doyle's hand a little bit tighter than he probably should have. "Yeah, okay. Sorry."

He let Doyle lead him over to the elevators. "Relax," Doyle told him as he pressed the up button.

"Sorry," Angel said again, managing to get his voice more normal this time. "I'm trying. This is just... harder. Than I thought it would be." He wanted to run his hands over Doyle's body, to feel for the differences, however slight, he knew were there.

"It's just me," Doyle told him, squeezing his hand. "I know you. Not much you can do that would scare me off."

"I know."

It was like torture to wait for the elevator, and when it finally arrived and they stepped in, the doors closing, Angel couldn't wait any more. He was trembling when he asked, "Can I touch you? Just... please."

"Consider that something you never have to ask to do. You can always touch me."

Angel moved behind Doyle and pulled him gently back, an arm around his waist, until Doyle's back was pressed to his front. Then he ran both hands over Doyle's breasts -- fuller than they'd been before. He weighed them in his hands, rubbing both thumbs over nipples that tightened in response to the attention.

He slid his right hand lower, down over the slight outward curve of Doyle's abdomen, feeling how the muscles had shifted to accommodate what would come later. "I love you," he murmured in Doyle's ear.

Doyle leaned back against him, eyes drifting closed. "Love you too," he murmured back, a hand coming down to cover Angel's on his stomach.

"I'm so sorry." Angel thought that he'd keep repeating it for however long it took for the guilt and shame to fade. "Doyle. I'm sorry." His hand kept moving in tiny circles on Doyle's stomach, as if he was apologizing to his child -- *his child*, *his* -- too.

"I know," Doyle responded softly. "It's okay."

"It's not. It's not okay." The elevator doors chimed a warning as the elevator stopped moving, and Angel released Doyle quickly.

But Doyle deliberately reached out for Angel's arm and wrapped it around his own waist again. "It is," he said, glancing up at Angel's face. "Or at least it will be. Promise."

The doors opened, and Angel leaned down and kissed Doyle, just once, softly, before they disentangled themselves enough to step out of the elevator. There was a brief pause as they figured out which way to turn, and then they walked down the hallway to the room.

"I hope you don't have any plans on going anywhere tonight," Doyle said conversationally as they walked.

"Not as long as you want me here," Angel told him.

"I want you here." Another quick Doyle grin. "I'll prove it to ya when we get somewhere private."

They reached the room, and Doyle used the key card to unlock the door. As soon as it was unlocked, Angel used a hand in front of Doyle to keep him where he was and went inside, checking around quickly to make sure the room was unoccupied. "Okay," he said. "Come on."

Doyle chuckled as he followed him in. "That's a switch. You inviting me in."

"Yeah, well, you can't be too careful." Angel watched as Doyle closed the door. "Make sure that's locked."

That earned him another amused, affectionate look, but Doyle also did as Angel bade, checking the lock and putting the chain on as well. Leaning his back against the door, he then regarded Angel fondly. "Now that I have you at my mercy..."

"I'll do anything," Angel said. "You know that, right?"

"Anything I ask you to, you're going to like, I promise," Doyle said, stalking towards him.

Angel just waited there as Doyle approached him, watching him with a mild sense of wonder and disbelief that they were actually there, together.

Doyle smiled when he reached Angel, reached up and caressed his cheek, then leaned in and kissed him gently but lingeringly.

Almost immediately Angel felt himself get hard. God, the sweet pressure of Doyle's body against his own... the smell of him... He knew that this could get out of control very, very quickly, and he didn't want to care. But he did. "Wait," Angel said, pulling back. "Wait, just... are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Kissing? Yeah."

"Okay," Angel said, and went back to it, being careful where he put his hands because he still wasn't sure what was going on.

"You're allowed to take liberties, you know," Doyle murmured against his lips after a few moments of this.

"I thought we were just kissing," Angel said.

"We are. This second. But we could be doing other things too." Doyle paused, pulling back to look at Angel. "Or we can just talk if I'm pushing-"

Angel stopped him with another kiss. "Maybe we can do both?" he suggested, letting some of his concern show on his face. "Are you okay? Tired?"

"I'm fine," Doyle replied quickly.

"Well, *I'm* tired," Angel lied, taking Doyle's hand and leading him over to the bed. "Lie down with me? We don't... we don't have to do anything else."

"You can stop reassuring me that you're not going to molest me any time," Doyle said as he willingly let Angel lead him across the room.

He pulled Doyle down to sit beside him, then just wrapped his arms around him and held on, breathing in the scent of Doyle. "God, I missed you."

Doyle sighed contentedly, snuggling closer. "Me too."

"Can we lie down?" Angel asked. "I just want to hold you for a while." Or possibly forever.

"Yeah. I think I'd like that."

It didn't take long to get themselves comfortable -- they just kicked off their shoes and pulled back the comforter, then lay down facing each other, Doyle safe in Angel's arms. "Wesley's been taking good care of you?" Angel asked.

"We've been taking care of each other," Doyle replied. He ran his hand down over Angel's chest to rest over his heart. "Still missed you."

The intimacy of the touch, and of Doyle's breath, warm against Angel's face, left Angel feeling overwhelmed and shaky. He slid down in the bed, his arm still wrapped around Doyle but the side of his face pressed to Doyle's chest so that he could hear the reassuring rhythm of Doyle's heartbeat. "I'm sorry," he whispered again.

"I know." Doyle's fingers stroked through his hair.

For a long time they stayed like that, with Angel letting Doyle's warmth seep into him. Then, almost without thinking about it, Angel slid down further and pushed Doyle's sweatshirt up to bare his stomach, pressing an almost reverent kiss to the soft skin there.

As soon as he'd done that, he wanted to do it again. And again. He brushed a series of light kisses up along Doyle's stomach and over his ribs, flicking his tongue out to taste the skin there, his hand sliding down Doyle's back to cup his ass.

"Love you," Doyle murmured softly, with the same reverence that Angel was feeling.

"Love you, too. Want to taste you. All of you." Angel got up onto his knees and began to undress Doyle, moving slowly, leaving plenty of time for Doyle to stop or redirect him if that was what he wanted to do.

Doyle showed no sign of wanting to stop; in fact, he stole whatever kisses and touches he could during the process. But he didn't try to direct the proceedings or anything, seeming content to let Angel do whatever he wanted.

When he had Doyle lying naked on the bed, Angel kissed his way down to the curve of one breast, licking wide circles around the nipple until it was tight and Doyle was making small sounds of encouragement. He kissed his way to the other breast and gave it the same attention, loving the taste of Doyle's skin, more than happy to tease Doyle for as long as he was allowed to do so.

Doyle made a sound halfway between a sigh and a purr and wriggled under the attention. "Missed you," he said again, making the words almost a caress.

Strangely, that threatened to make Angel feel worse instead of better, but he pushed those feelings aside and concentrated on Doyle, which really wasn't hard at all. He even smiled at the quick intake of breath Doyle took when he licked his nipple, and slid his hand down to Doyle's hip, gripping it gently.

"You can keep doing that," Doyle told him. "I won't stop you."

"If you do want me to stop, I will," Angel said. "The most important thing is that you're happy. Whatever you want is what I want."

"And if I say I want you to be happy too?"

"Well, it's not like I'm going to argue." Angel smiled up at Doyle. "I just need to know that *you* know that if you change your mind about anything, at any point, you just have to say."

"Didn't we have this conversation the first time you got me naked?" Doyle grinned at him.

"Things are different now," Angel said, looking down and tracing a circle around Doyle's nipple with his fingertip.

Doyle touched his cheek, making him look up again. "Not that different. Promise."

"Actually, yeah. Pretty different. But it's okay." Curious to see Doyle's response, Angel bent his head and sucked on one nipple firmly, moving his hand down to rub a fingertip teasingly between Doyle's legs, paying careful attention to the way Doyle reacted.

Doyle gasped, arching up into Angel's touch. "That's still the same..."

No more teasing -- Angel wanted to see Doyle's release, wanted to hear his cries. Needed to remind himself what it was like, and prove to himself that what was between them hadn't faded. He eased two fingers into Doyle, using his thumb to press against the spot that would give Doyle the most pleasure, his tongue circling Doyle's nipple wetly.

"God..." Doyle moaned, writhing under Angel's attentions. "Angel..."

"Yeah," Angel said. "Say my name." Doyle was slick and hot inside, tight around Angel's fingers as they thrust deeper.

"Angel," Doyle obediently said again, moving under Angel's hand. "Angel."

Angel had to taste Doyle's mouth again, so he kissed him, speeding up the movement of his hand as his tongue met Doyle's. He felt possessive, his cock hard and ready inside his slacks, his entire body aching for more of Doyle.

Doyle wrapped his arms around Angel's neck, holding him in place to continue kissing him.

The grip Doyle had on him, as if he didn't want Angel pulling away, just turned Angel on that much more. Their mouths moved together forcefully, and no matter how many times Angel told himself to be gentle, it wasn't happening. He was desperate for Doyle, wanting to thrust inside him with cock instead of fingers. He groaned his frustration against Doyle's lips.

"Want you," Doyle murmured, only pulling back enough to speak before devouring Angel's mouth again.

That was it -- Angel couldn't wait, and what was more, he didn't want to. He pulled away for the few moments it took to strip off his clothes, Doyle's hands distracting him with eager touches as he bared his skin, and then he rolled back down onto the bed, taking Doyle with him until he was flat on his back with Doyle on top. They were still kissing, touching each other wherever they could reach.

Doyle squirmed on top of Angel in a way that was probably illegal in some countries, teasing them both with his closeness.

Reaching down to grab onto Doyle's waist, Angel lifted him easily, raising his own head from the pillows so that they could keep kissing even as the tip of his erection probed at Doyle's slick entrance. "Can we?" he gasped, pausing at the last second. "It won't hurt you?"

"At this point, it might hurt me if you don't."

Angel thrust up into Doyle, going as deep as he could, both hands holding Doyle steady as their bodies came to a shuddering moment in which they were both still, shivering and gasping.

Doyle's eyes had closed but now he opened them, meeting Angel's gaze full of emotion. "Angel?"

"Yeah?" It was an effort to say that much.

Doyle's mouth curled up into a wicked smile. "Fuck me."

So Angel pulled back, still holding onto Doyle's waist, and thrust, even deeper than before if that was possible, the tight clench of Doyle's heat around him... Angel had almost forgotten what this felt like, had tried to forget and failed, but now he could remember all of it. He let his body take over, let it lead.

Doyle moved with him, small sounds of pleasure coming from his throat. The entire time his gaze remained locked with Angel's, another connection between them.

Angel drove in again, harder this time. "Tell me if it's too much," he said. "Don't let me..."

"You won't," Doyle told him then gasped. "Just like that, keep... just like that."

It would have taken every ounce of control Angel had to have stopped at that point, so he was predictably grateful that he didn't have to. He kept moving, rocking back and then thrusting forcefully up into Doyle again and again, feeling himself getting closer and closer to orgasm with every thrust. "God, Doyle..."

Doyle was getting close too; Angel could see it in his eyes. At that moment Angel wanted nothing more than to see Doyle come.

He slid a hand down between them, using his grip on Doyle's waist to guide his movement, each rocking motion causing Doyle to moan softly now that he had more direct stimulation. Angel gritted his teeth and focused on thrusting so that those moans got closer together, slightly more high-pitched.

It didn't take much of that for Doyle to come with Angel's name on his lips, his body shuddering with pleasure.

Angel began to move even more quickly, concentrating on his own pleasure now that Doyle was gasping out the last of his. He pulled Doyle down for a breathless kiss, fingers tangled in the short dark hair at the nape of Doyle's neck, and cried out as he came too, the release rocketing through him and making his body arch like he'd touched a live wire.

Doyle held him tightly through his climax, continued to do so as Angel slowly came back down to earth.

He finally pushed Doyle a bit upright, one hand on each side of his face, looking into those green eyes. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Doyle smiled and leaned back in for another gentle kiss. "I am now."

That just about melted Angel's heart. "Really?"

"Really." Doyle rested his head on Angel's shoulder, his body limp and sated on top of him. "Don't go away again."

"I won't," Angel said, wrapping his arms around Doyle and holding on. "I promise." He hesitated, then asked, "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Well, you're going back, right?" Angel didn't know why he even made it a question. "How do I fit into that picture? I mean... where do you want me?"

Doyle raised his head to meet Angel's gaze again. "I want you with me. I want you back home. I know it's not going to be easy, but -- "

"Hey, if it's what you want, we'll figure it out," Angel said soothingly, rubbing Doyle's shoulder.

Doyle lay back down again. "I just can't see going back without you."

"And believe me, I'm not arguing," Angel said. "Except for the part where I wonder if going back with me in tow is going to be the best thing for Wesley."

"It probably isn't." Doyle sighed. "But making you stay away isn't the best thing for you."

Angel lifted his chin and kissed Doyle's hair. "Maybe I could follow you in a day or two. Give you a little time to work things out with him?" He didn't like the idea of being separated from Doyle at all, but if the best thing for Doyle was for there to be as little stress as possible, then Angel figured it was his job not to create any extra.

Doyle shook his head, getting that stubborn look Angel knew so well. "You're coming back with me."

"Okay, fine. I know better than to argue with you." Angel smiled gently. "At least listen when I say that me waltzing into what Wesley thinks of as his territory will just make things worse?"

"I was planning on just walking, save the waltzing for later."

"Good to know you haven't lost your sense of humor," Angel said, swatting Doyle's ass.

"Ouch," Doyle said without heat.

Angel stroked his hand over the spot he'd just slapped. "Seriously, the last thing you want is me walking into Cordy's -- *your* apartment like I've got a right to be there. Trust me, Wesley's not gonna like it."

"You just said it -- it's *my* apartment, not Wesley's. If it's anybody's territory it's mine." He tilted his head to the side. "And possibly Dennis', but you should be able to make nice with him if you try."

Wondering for how long he should argue a point that he was sure he was right about, Angel frowned. "Look, Doyle... you're right, it's your apartment, and it's up to you. I'm just trying to tell you that I think this is going to make things harder between me and Wesley."

"It'll put you on more equal footing," Doyle countered. He hesitated then added, "If you actually keep your penthouse at Wolfram & Hart as your place. Wes has kept his apartment."

Angel wasn't sure if that surprised him or not. "It's your choice," he repeated. "I still think it'd be better if the first time Wes and I saw each other we were, I don't know, somewhere neutral. But if you think this is the best way... I'll do whatever you want." He owed Doyle that, and a hell of a lot more.

"You could write him before we go back," Doyle suggested. "Maybe even see if he wants to meet you somewhere?"

"Yeah, okay. I could do that. Do you... do you want me to be the one to tell him? That I'm coming back with you, I mean?"

Doyle gave that some thought. "It might be better coming from you. From me it might sound more like an ultimatum or something."

"It kind of is," Angel pointed out. "I mean, you're the one calling the shots here, and I'm pretty sure he knows it just as well as I do."

Now Doyle frowned. "I don't know if I like that."

Angel rolled them over so that they were on their sides, facing each other. "You don't like having the two of us wrapped around your little finger?" he asked, hoping that it would be clear from his tone that he was teasing. Mostly.

"I'm not sure how I got to be the one in charge."

"Well, I can't speak for Wesley, but for me it's because I'm crazy in love with you." It felt good to say it.

That earned him a smile. "Likewise, ya know that."

Angel smiled back, running his fingers through Doyle's hair even though it was too short to really get mussed. "I want to give you everything you need."

Doyle reached out and touched Angel's face. "I like that you're just a big sap underneath all that brooding."

"A sap? Me?" Angel tried to look offended. "Well, maybe. But only where you're concerned."

"Uh huh."

"Where a select few are concerned?" Angel let his fingers trace down along Doyle's side, splaying his hand across Doyle's hip so that his thumb could rub over Doyle's stomach. "Could we talk about... about the baby?"

"Sure," Doyle said, watching him carefully.

"I just..." Angel wasn't sure how to ask what he was thinking. "I want to know. Did you think about... you know, sometimes people decide they don't want to..."

"No," Doyle said immediately. "Not seriously at least -- not in a way other than 'I'm not going to do that.'"

Something that had been tight in Angel's chest loosened. "Good," he said. "I'm... that's good. I'm glad."

"I would've thought that you'd..." Doyle began. "When you left, that you'd have wanted me to -- "

"No," Angel said quickly, moving so that Doyle had no choice but to look at him and see how serious he was. "No. I just wanted you to be safe. Both of you."

Doyle took that in with a thoughtful expression but didn't speak.

"You don't believe me," Angel said flatly.

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to." Angel pulled his hand back, resolutely staying where he was otherwise because he'd be damned if he was going to do anything that Doyle could call running away.

"I didn't say it because it's not true," Doyle insisted.

Angel stayed totally still. "What, then? What are you thinking?" He was afraid to know.

"I was thinking that it was just as much about protecting yourself as it was protecting me... us."

"Oh," Angel said awkwardly after a minute. "Yeah." He knew he should say something more, but he wasn't sure what. It wasn't like any of it could undo what he'd done. "I don't know what you want me to say. That... that I don't know if I can do this again? I don't."

Doyle leaned in and kissed him. "You're here. You're trying. That's enough for me."

"What if I fuck up?" Angel asked. "What if... if something happens to you? Or the baby, because of me, because of what I am? I don't -- "

Doyle kissed him again, stopping his flow of words. "Life doesn't come with guarantees. Just... opportunities."

Angel pulled Doyle closer, holding him tightly, burying his face in the curve between neck and shoulder and inhaling Doyle's scent. He didn't want to let this opportunity escape. He wouldn't. "I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever you want me to do."

"Just be present. Be involved." Doyle stroked Angel's hair. "Like I've been telling ya since we first met."

Without lifting his head, Angel nodded. "I will. I'll try. And I won't leave again. I promise."

"Good."

Angel ran his hand down Doyle's back. "We're going to have a baby," he said, hearing the wonder in his own voice. "This is just..."

"Yeah." Doyle smiled. "It's just... just."

"Must be even more, for you. What with being the one to actually... you know." Angel reached between them and caressed Doyle's stomach.

"It's not exactly something I'd ever imagined, no. Not that that makes it much different than most of the other things that have happened to me."

"Yeah, I'm sure." Angel looked up into Doyle's face again. "How are you feeling? Okay? You look tired."

"I'm fine," Doyle assured him. "Though... maybe something to eat?"

Angel sat up. "Sure. Place has got to have room service, right? Let me find a menu." He stood and went to the desk on the other side of the room, rifling through the drawer until he found a thick folder of hotel information. "Yeah, here," he said, going back and offering the menu to Doyle.

Doyle was eyeing him appreciatively as he took the menu. "Thanks."

"So I guess you already have plans and stuff," Angel said, trying to sound casually as he sat back down on the end of the bed.

"For food? Depends on what's on the menu." Doyle opened it and began looking through it.

"No, I meant... for the baby." Plans that Angel hadn't been around to take part in.

"Oh. Not really, nothing concrete. You wanna order me the burger with fries and the chocolate cheesecake for dessert?"

"Sure," Angel said automatically, taking the menu back. "Wait. What do you mean, not really?" He didn't see how that was possible.

"Just what I said. I haven't looked much beyond the moment." He glanced up at Angel. "I guess I was waiting for you to come back first."

If he'd been human, Angel might have said that it felt like there wasn't enough air in the room. As it was, he felt... kind of like he'd been punched in the gut. "Waiting for me to come back?" he repeated.

Doyle nodded.

Angel rubbed a hand over his face. "What if I didn't?"

"You did," Doyle pointed out.

"But what if I didn't?"

"But you *did*."

"Okay, look, humor me here. What would you have done if I hadn't had that... visitation, or whatever, from Cordelia? What if it were six months from now, and you were due -- " Wow, that was weird. " -- any time? Would you still not have a plan?" Angel wasn't sure why he was so fixated on this, but he needed to know.

Doyle shook his head. "Wouldn't have happened."

Angel sighed. "It's really kind of disturbing, you know," he said conversationally, as he reached for the phone.

"What is? That I knew you would come back?"

That you have so much faith in me. But instead of saying that out loud, Angel just said, "Yeah," and dialed room service. "You want something to drink?" he asked, glancing at Doyle as the other end of the line rang.

"Coke's fine."

Quickly, distractedly, Angel placed the order, then hung up the phone again. "So do you not *want* a plan?"

"Course I want a plan! Possibly several. With flow charts."

"Now you're teasing me," Angel said, crawling onto the bed and lying down next to Doyle again. "Not that I don't probably deserve it..."

Doyle moved to snuggle close. "Maybe exaggerating a little. But I really do want to get things all organized and planned. Was just waiting for you to make them with."

Angel couldn't help but feel a little bit smug that Doyle had been waiting for *him* instead of making plans with Wesley. "Well, I'm here now."

"Yeah," Doyle said with satisfaction, pressing closer. "You are."

After so many weeks without, the feel of Doyle's skin against his own was enough to make Angel's body stir with interest. "Love you," he said. "God, so much. More than  
anything."

"Love you too." He leaned in and kissed Angel. "So what exactly were you thinking of in the way of planning?"

"I don't know," Angel admitted. "I just... I missed all this stuff, last time. I didn't know about... about Connor until he was almost born. Aren't there things you're supposed to do? Doctor's appointments and baby name books and picking out clothes and high chairs..." Connor hadn't been old enough for a high chair, and then he'd been too old.

"There's all that stuff," Doyle said gently, as if sensing where Angel's thoughts had gone. "Decisions to be made too. Like do we want to know what it is?"

"Connor was human. Is. Human," Angel said defensively. "If a child of two vampires could be, I don't see any reason why this baby wouldn't..." Something about Doyle's expression clued him in that he was on the wrong track. "And you're not talking about that."

"No, I wasn't -- and for the record, all the tests so far fall within human parameters. I was talking about whether it's a boy or girl."

Angel ran one fingertip along Doyle's arm, tracing a vein just under the skin's surface. "Do you want to know?" he asked quietly.

"Do you?" Doyle countered.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"It would make choosing a name easier."

"I guess." Angel tried to change the subject. "Have you thought about names?"

"Not really. Seemed wrong to start considering that sort of thing without you."

Angel wasn't sure he wanted to think about names right then. "Whatever you want is okay with me."

"Not much of a joint decision if all you do is agree with me," Doyle pointed out.

"Well, I'd say if it was something I *hated,*" Angel said, hoping to lighten the mood of the discussion. "Like... Hortense."

Doyle wrinkled his nose. "Ew. Yeah, let's try to pick something that won't have the kid getting teased for life."

"We have plenty of time," Angel said. "We don't need to decide right now. God, you smell good."

"Do I?" Doyle asked, chuckling.

"Yeah." Bending his head, Angel licked Doyle's collarbone. "Mm. Taste good, too."

"Probably a good thing we have plenty of time, what with the way you keep getting distracted." Doyle sounded amused.

Angel trailed his tongue up along Doyle's throat, then kissed him. "Nope. I'm not distracted. I'm focused."

Doyle chuckled, the sound all throaty and sexy. "Is that what you call it?"

"Yup." Angel teased Doyle's lips with his own. "Definitely focused on you."

"I'm getting that impression," Doyle replied, smiling against Angel's mouth.

Angel took his time kissing Doyle, remembering what it was like all over again and feeling grateful that he hadn't lost it -- and him -- permanently. He slid down a bit and flicked his tongue over one dark nipple, then sucked on it gently as his hand rubbed small circles on Doyle's back.

"Mmm, could get used to this kind of focus," Doyle said, voice getting slightly breathless.

"You should," Angel told him. "I want you to." He continued what he'd been doing, sliding his hand down to the dampness between Doyle's thighs and teasing him there too.

Doyle made a sound in the back of his throat, shifting to give Angel better access.

There was something Angel knew he was supposed to be remembering, but at that moment he didn't care. He wanted to taste every inch of Doyle's skin, touch every part of him, lick and kiss and bite... okay, so maybe he couldn't do that last one, but he intended to do the rest.

Doyle squirmed under his touch in a way that only encouraged Angel's attentions, making appreciative sounds that were almost but not quite words.

"Want to do everything to you," Angel murmured, kissing the curve of Doyle's hip. "For you. Make you feel good."

Doyle chuckled breathlessly. "I'd definitely say you're on the right track."

Easing a hand between Doyle's thighs, Angel pushed two fingers inside him slowly, almost teasingly. He raised himself up and looked at Doyle's face, flushed with arousal. "Tell me you love me?"

"I love you," Doyle responded immediately. He chuckled again, breaking off with a gasp. "Would even if you weren't playing me like a violin."

Angel smiled, letting his gaze drop down and linger on Doyle's stomach, still almost unable to believe that he was being given this second chance. He leaned in and kissed the soft flesh there, rubbed his cheek against it as his fingers continued to move slowly between Doyle's thighs. "Love you," he whispered silently to the unborn baby.

Doyle touched Angel's head gently; Angel looked up and met green eyes that shone with understanding.

He felt his eyes threaten to fill with tears, but fought them. He was so fucking ashamed of himself for having run out on Doyle at the worst possible time, for being such a coward, for having destroyed Connor... Angel ducked his head again, concentrating on Doyle's pleasure, trying not to get lost in his own misery.

But Doyle tugged on his arm, pulling Angel up where he could wrap him in a tight embrace.

Angel let his head be cradled on Doyle's chest, closing his eyes tightly and wrapping both arms around Doyle, hanging on. He tried not to tremble, but it was hard.

"It's okay," Doyle murmured, holding onto him tightly. "I've got you."

He opened his mouth to say something -- maybe to apologize again -- but couldn't. He nodded instead, drew a deliberate, shuddering breath in the hopes that it would calm him down, but it felt like he was having the reaction he should have had when he first found out about the baby, and all he could do was try not to break down completely.

Doyle kissed him softly, then went back to just holding him, seeming to understand what Angel was feeling.

For what felt like a long time, they lay there quietly, neither of them saying anything. Angel tried to let himself be calmed by Doyle's even, regular breathing, by his warmth, by the knowledge that, in that moment, at least, they were both safe. "Sorry," he said finally, his voice rough.

"Don't be." Doyle kissed him again. "Sometimes ya just gotta let the wall down and feel."

"It's hard." Angel meant a lot of things by it.

"I know. Letting go always is."

He breathed in Doyle's scent, nuzzled at his skin. "You've got way too much patience, you know that?"

"Do I?" He heard the smile in Doyle's voice.

Angel lifted his head and then shifted higher so he could kiss Doyle's mouth. "Yeah. It's unnatural."

Doyle chuckled. "Male half demon brought back from the dead in a woman's body and pregnant by a vampire, and it's my patience that he finds unnatural."

"Hey, I never tried to claim *I* was going to win any prizes in that category." Angel ran a fingertip down along Doyle's nose. "Plus you're a hell of a lot cuter than me. I'm pretty sure anyone voting would declare you way too good for me."

"Can't take credit for the cuteness, but I can assure you that wouldn't be the way I'd be voting."

Angel looked at him uncertainly. "You're kidding."

"About which -- that I can't take credit for being cute now? Or that I wouldn't vote that I'm way too good for you?" Doyle asked then shook his head. "Doesn't matter, they're both true."

"You are too good for me," Angel said, resting his hand on Doyle's stomach again. He was starting to think he'd be doing that a lot in the coming months. "But I'm going to do everything I can to make up for it. I swear."

Doyle just smiled at him.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to have a serious conversation with you when you're looking at me like that," Angel mock-complained.

"When I look at you like what exactly?" Doyle asked, curiously.

"Like *that*," Angel said. "All... adorable. It makes me want to kiss you."

"No one's stopping you."

Angel blinked, then grinned. "Yeah, you're right." He leaned down and kissed Doyle slowly, pulled back long enough to see the pleased smile on Doyle's face, and then kissed him again. He was just getting ready to kiss him a third time when there was a knock at the door.

"Hold that thought," Doyle said with a grin.

"Yeah, and you stay right here," Angel said, getting up. He pulled the covers up and over Doyle and yanked on his trousers, then went to the door and looked out through the peephole. "Who is it?"

"Room service," a woman's voice said.

She looked okay, and Angel couldn't see anyone in the hallway behind her, so he unlocked the door and eased it open just enough so that he could sign for the meal and bring the tray inside. He closed and locked the door carefully, double checking before bringing the tray over to the bed.

"Mmm, food," Doyle said, sitting up and eyeing the tray avidly.

Angel handed it over, then went around to the other side of the bed and sat down, leaning against the headboard. "You're being careful, right?" he asked, since it was on his mind.

Doyle took the cover off and paused to look at Angel. "Being careful eating?' he asked with a frown.

"No, I mean in general," Angel said, trying to sound more patient than he felt. "You're, you know, not doing anything dangerous. Not walking to your car alone at night. That kind of thing."

"So I shouldn't mention the sky diving and bungee jumping?"

"I'm *serious,* Doyle."

"I don't actually have a car -- borrowed one from your carpool to drive up here -- so no, I haven't been walking to my car alone at night," Doyle replied, picking up a fry and popping it in his mouth.

Angel crossed his arms over his chest. "But you're being careful? The correct answer here, in case you're wondering, is 'yes.'"

"Yes Angel, I am being careful," Doyle recited dutifully in between eating more fries.

"It helps if you actually mean it."

"I'm being careful, really," Doyle insisted in a less exasperated tone. "Not spending my days wrapped in cotton, but I'm not taking any unnecessary chances."

"Okay." Angel tried to relax, since getting Doyle all irritated with him wasn't going to do either of them any good. "I just... it's important to me."

Doyle reached out and squeezed Angel's hand briefly before taking it back and picking up his burger.

Angel sat and watched him take a bite. "But anyway, if I'll be around -- you do want me around, right? -- then I can help. Watch your back, I mean."

"Why do I think it won't be my back you'll be watching?" Doyle asked archly after chewing and swallowing.

"Hey... I think about other things, you know. Lots of things." Not that he was having an easy time thinking of any of them right now, with Doyle sitting there naked.

"Such as?"

Angel looked down at his hands. "Uh... weapons. My friends." Connor. Seemed better not to mention that one, though.

Doyle gave him another knowing look and said, "So tell me more about when you're not thinking of other things. Tell me what you're thinking when you watch my back."

"You mean, how I want you to be safe?" Angel asked.

"I was thinking more about how you wanted to ravish me, but..."

"Oh. Well, yeah, I always want to do that. Even when I'm not watching your... back." Angel decided, not for the first time, that he liked watching Doyle eat. "I kinda like the thought of your body changing. Although I guess maybe you've had enough of that, huh."

"You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Doyle paused to take a drink of his coke. "But this is different somehow."

"At least in the end you'll have something to show for it," Angel said, then he cleared his throat and corrected himself. "Someone."

"Yeah." Doyle smiled at him. "We both will."

"Yeah." He tried to imagine it -- another little warm bundle, like Connor had been, so incredibly alive -- and still found it too hard to believe.

Doyle's smile widened. "Now that's the look I've wanted to see on your face about all this."

Angel rubbed his foot against Doyle's bare thigh. "It's just... I don't know what I did to deserve this."

"I think it involved you, me and naked time." Doyle went back to eating his hamburger.

Sitting forward, Angel stretched out a hand and ran his fingers lightly down Doyle's side in a gentle caress. "And you really want this? With me?" He didn't just mean the baby, he meant... everything.

Doyle nodded, then finished chewing and swallowed quickly. "I'm sure. Promise."

He sat back again, never taking his eyes off Doyle, feeling a smile on his face. It felt good, if unfamiliar. "We're going to have a baby. You and me."

"By George, I think he's got it," Doyle teased.

"Nah, George is almost as bad as Hortense," Angel shot back. The thought that it might be a boy was more upsetting than he would have guessed, though, and he figured he should be glad he'd have plenty of time to get used to the idea.

"All right, I agree with you on Hortense. That is a terrible thing to do to a child."

"Are you trying to tell me you like George?" This was easier, keeping the conversation light.

"It's not that bad a name. But no, doesn't really fit with 'Doyle.'" Doyle hesitated. "Unless you want to use your last name... which you haven't used in several centuries so probably not, huh?"

"Probably not," Angel agreed. "When we took..." Sometimes he could say it, and other times he just couldn't. "Cordy told them my last name was Angel, so I guess as far as official paperwork stuff was concerned, that was it. But Doyle's fine." He offered Doyle a smile. "Kind of attached to it, actually."

Doyle grinned back. "Glad to hear that." Two more bites and the hamburger was gone.

"Have you thought about where to have it?" Angel asked. The idea of the baby being born in a regular hospital made his chest feel tight. "I mean, vampire father, part-demon mother..."

"Haven't really got that far yet," Doyle admitted, eyeing his dessert.

Angel wondered what the hell Doyle *had* been thinking about for the past weeks if it hadn't been this. "You keep saying that."

"Probably because it keeps being true."

"But shouldn't you be thinking about this stuff?" Angel knew he sounded tense.

"I've had other things on my mind that seemed of more immediate importance."

"More -- " Angel deliberately closed his mouth and didn't say whatever it was he'd been about to say. Mostly stuff that would have pissed Doyle off probably. "Like what?" he asked calmly.

Doyle glanced at him then turned back to his cheesecake, sinking his fork into it. "Like getting you back."

That took all the wind out of Angel's sails. Again. "You really thought I was coming back."

"I did." He paused to take a bite. "Sooner or later."

Angel shook his head and brought a hand up to his face, rubbing his temples with fingertips and thumb. "Okay. Okay, fine. So we'll deal with it now." It already felt like they'd left it too long, like there wasn't possibly enough time to take care of everything they needed to take care of.

Doyle reached out and pulled Angel's hand down, squeezing it gently, then replacing it at Angel's temple with his own fingers. "Relax. There's months to go yet. But we can start talking about things and figuring out choices if you want." Doyle smiled at him. "Together."

He tried to do what Doyle had suggested and relax, but it was hard, and he couldn't help but think that relaxing should be more, well, relaxing. "Sorry," he said, closing his eyes, grateful for Doyle's soothing touch. "I promise there'll be at least five minutes that I'm not a control freak about all of this."

"That long?" Doyle teased gently.

"Only if you're lucky." Angel sighed.

Doyle leaned over and kissed him, tasting of the chocolate cheesecake he'd been eating. "Okay, you've got my complete attention. What do you want us to make decisions about?"

Snaking an arm out and wrapping it around Doyle's waist, Angel pulled him in closer for a more thorough kiss. "We don't have to make the actual decisions right now," he said.

"No?" Doyle smiled. "You've something else in mind?"

"I just meant..." Angel bent his head and kissed the tender spot between Doyle's neck and shoulder. "I just want to know we're *going* to decide. Not put it off."

"We'll decide." Doyle raised a hand to touch Angel's cheek. "I was just waiting for you."

Angel kissed him again, more hungrily this time. "You have no idea how much I missed you."

"Gonna show me?" Doyle challenged, eyes bright with anticipation.

"You want me to?" He bit at Doyle's lips, his hand kneading Doyle's ass. "Want me to show you how you're all I think about?"

"Yeah," Doyle breathed against Angel's mouth.

Deciding to trust that Doyle would tell him if he was too rough, Angel went to work, kissing Doyle repeatedly and with great enthusiasm. He ran his hands over Doyle's body, paying attention to which touches made Doyle's breath catch in his throat and made his heart beat a little bit faster.

"Mmm," Doyle all but purred. "God, I missed you."

Good, Angel thought but didn't say. "Turn around," he said, maneuvering them until Doyle's back was against his chest so that he could kiss the nape of Doyle's neck and play with his nipples at the same time. "Love you. Just *think* about you and I get hard."

"Like the thought of having that kind of power over you," Doyle murmured, squirming slightly back against Angel.

Angel made a pleased sound and rubbed his erection against Doyle's ass, continuing to pinch one nipple as he slid the other hand down between Doyle's thighs into the wet heat there. "Crazy about you."

Doyle spread his legs wider, giving Angel better access. "Feeling's mutual." He gasped. "'Specially when you do that."

"Oh yeah? You like that?" Angel kept up what he was doing, sucking gently on the side of Doyle's throat, feeling Doyle's pulse against his lips and tongue.

"Yeah," Doyle replied, his eyes drifting shut.

God, the warmth of him, and the taste of his skin... Angel wanted more. He shifted their positions slightly, lifting Doyle up onto his knees, letting his cock slide against slick hot flesh. He groaned softly and scraped his teeth along Doyle's shoulder. "God yeah. Feel so good."

"You too." Doyle squirmed against him. "Could feel even better..."

Angel didn't need another invitation -- he eased himself into Doyle, trying to be gentle as his cock slid home, buried deep in Doyle's body.

Doyle gasped at the action. "Yeah," he said, with a breathless chuckle. "Like that."

There was something primal about taking someone from behind -- it made it all the more difficult not to be rough, not to thrust into Doyle carelessly. Angel concentrated on how incredible it felt to be inside Doyle, welcomed, loved, and tried not to think about how good it would be to be able to let go.

Doyle was rocking gently against him making soft sounds of pleasure in the back of his throat. "Missed this... missed you."

"I love hearing you say that," Angel said, even if maybe he shouldn't admit it. "I missed you, too. Missed being inside you." He thrust in again, letting Doyle set the rhythm, taking it slow.

"Me too." Doyle turned his head for a kiss. "Could stay like this forever."

Angel kissed him again, hungrily. "Yeah, just like this." It was a nice fantasy, that was for sure.

Doyle continued kissing him as he began to move a bit faster.

Their bodies worked well together, rocking in unison, slightly deeper thrusts now that Angel was getting caught up in how it felt and doing a little less thinking. "God, yeah. Doyle..."

Bracing himself on Angel's arm around him, Doyle rode him harder, obviously losing himself in what they were doing as much as Angel was.

Angel let go -- not completely, but enough -- as he let himself meet every one of Doyle's thrusts with just as much force, making it all feel twice as good until he was making little pained sounds with every stroke, feeling it in his bones. He slid his hand down between Doyle's thighs and rubbed his fingertip lightly over the spot that elicited the same kinds of sounds from Doyle.

Doyle's voice went up in volume as he got closer, but he was completely silent when he came.

The tight heat clenching around his cock was enough to push Angel over the edge too -- a couple more thrusts and he came with a soft moan, clutching Doyle to him as the shudders ran through both their bodies.

They stayed like that for long moments with Doyle leaning against him boneless and sated.

Finally Angel bent his head and kissed Doyle's ear, his jaw, his neck. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He heard the smile in Doyle's voice. "Okay would be the least of what I am."

Angel glanced over at the dinner tray, which miraculously had managed to stay on the end of the bed without falling off. "We interrupted your dinner."

"Was worth it."

"Well, good. We still could have waited." Not that it was a big deal, really.

"Take it as a compliment," Doyle suggested. "You won out over chocolate cheesecake to the pregnant person."

"Huh," Angel said. "I'm better than chocolate cheesecake?"

"If I had to choose between the two? You'd win hands down."

Angel wrapped his other arm around Doyle too, just holding him for a few seconds. "Good to know."

After a moment, Doyle added, "Of course if I can have both you *and* the chocolate cheesecake..."

Chuckling, Angel kissed Doyle's ear and released him, easing out of his body and leaning back against the headboard of the bed again. "I'll get you chocolate cheesecake whenever you want it."


	35. Chapter 35

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi Wesley.

Doyle's here, he's fine. He's sleeping. I got him a room at a hotel not too far from where I've been staying, and it's nice. Safe. Just so you know you don't have to worry.

You don't have to worry about me, either. I mean... Doyle wants me to come back with him, and as far as I'm concerned, if he wants it, he's getting it. I owe him that much. More. A lot more, actually. But I don't want you to worry that means you're out of the picture, and I didn't want to just come barging back in without letting you know. You're the one who stuck around, and Doyle says he loves you, so that means you get a say in what happens too.

I guess we should probably talk. In person, I mean, when I get back. Maybe we could meet somewhere. Neutral territory?

Don't think I didn't notice that you hadn't emailed me back before. I did. And if there's stuff you want to say to me... stuff you want to get off your chest... just come out with it. I promise I'll do my best to, you know, be understanding.

I want us to work this out. It's important to me. YOU'RE important to me. I hope you know that.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> Doyle's here, he's fine. He's sleeping. I got him a room at a  
hotel not too far from where I've been staying, and it's nice.  
Safe. Just so you know you don't have to worry.

Thank you. Although it's difficult to stop worrying regardless.

> You don't have to worry about me, either. I mean... Doyle wants  
me to come back with him, and as far as I'm concerned, if he wants  
it, he's getting it. I owe him that much. More. A lot more, actually. But  
I don't want you to worry that means you're out of the picture, and I  
didn't want to just come barging back in without letting you know.  
You're the one who stuck around, and Doyle says he loves you,  
so that means you get a say in what happens too.

Doyle told me before he left that he was going to bring you back with him. He also was insistent that this isn't going to change things but I think the both of us know it will, even if Doyle refuses to see that.

But it doesn't matter. Doyle loves you, he wants you and needs you, that much is obvious. I won't stand in your way.

> I guess we should probably talk. In person, I mean, when I get  
back. Maybe we could meet somewhere. Neutral territory?

I suppose we should. Do you have somewhere in mind?

> Don't think I didn't notice that you hadn't emailed me back before. I did.  
And if there's stuff you want to say to me... stuff you want to get off  
your chest... just come out with it. I promise I'll do my best to, you  
know, be understanding.

It's not important, not now. Doyle's made his decision.

> I want us to work this out. It's important to me. YOU'RE important to  
me. I hope you know that.

As long as you don't hurt Doyle again I won't have a problem with you.

Wesley

__________

 

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wesley.

> > Doyle's here, he's fine. He's sleeping. I got him a room at a hotel not too  
far from where I've been staying, and it's nice. Safe. Just so you know  
you don't have to worry.

> Thank you. Although it's difficult to stop worrying regardless.

Yeah. I know what that's like.

> > You don't have to worry about me, either. I mean... Doyle wants me to come back  
with him, and as far as I'm concerned, if he wants it, he's getting it. I owe him that  
much. More. A lot more, actually. But I don't want you to worry that means you're out  
of the picture, and I didn't want to just come barging back in without letting you know.  
You're the one who stuck around, and Doyle says he loves you, so that means you  
get a say in what happens too.

> Doyle told me before he left that he was going to bring you back with him. He also was  
insistent that this isn't going to change things but I think the both of us know it will, even  
if Doyle refuses to see that.

But it doesn't matter. Doyle loves you, he wants you and needs you, that much is  
obvious. I won't stand in your way.

It's not that simple. Do you seriously think that Doyle would say stuff like he's been saying about you if he didn't mean it? He's not that kind of person. He wouldn't lie to you just to make you feel better. He loves you, and wants you, and needs you, too. And I'm not going to take any of that away from him, not if I can help it.

> > I guess we should probably talk. In person, I mean, when I get back. Maybe we could  
meet somewhere. Neutral territory?

> I suppose we should. Do you have somewhere in mind?

Not really. If I did, it wouldn't really be neutral, would it? Maybe we can go someplace new, someplace neither of us has been before?

> > Don't think I didn't notice that you hadn't emailed me back before. I did. And if there's  
stuff you want to say to me... stuff you want to get off your chest... just come out with it.  
I promise I'll do my best to, you know, be understanding.

> It's not important, not now. Doyle's made his decision.

He's made the decision that he wants both of us. Are you not okay with that?

> > I want us to work this out. It's important to me. YOU'RE important to me. I hope you  
know that.

> As long as you don't hurt Doyle again I won't have a problem with you.

I sure as hell don't intend to. But I don't want to hurt you, either, and it sounds like all of this is. And I don't know what to do about it.

\- Angel

__________

To Angel  
From Wesley

Hello Angel

> > But it doesn't matter. Doyle loves you, he wants you and needs you,  
that much is obvious. I won't stand in your way.

> It's not that simple. Do you seriously think that Doyle would say stuff  
like he's been saying about you if he didn't mean it? He's not that  
kind of person. He wouldn't lie to you just to make you feel better. He  
loves you, and wants you, and needs you, too. And I'm not going to take  
any of that away from him, not if I can help it.

Do you really mean that? That you can come back and just sit back and watch Doyle and me... without it bothering you?

> > > I guess we should probably talk. In person, I mean, when I get back.  
Maybe we could meet somewhere. Neutral territory?

> > I suppose we should. Do you have somewhere in mind?

> Not really. If I did, it wouldn't really be neutral, would it? Maybe we  
can go someplace new, someplace neither of us has been before?

Or maybe somewhere we've both been before? How about the Hyperion? Somehow I don't think this is a conversation either of us wants to have in public.

> > > Don't think I didn't notice that you hadn't emailed me back before. I  
did. And if there's stuff you want to say to me... stuff you want to get off your  
chest... just come out with it. I promise I'll do my best to, you know, be understanding.

> > It's not important, not now. Doyle's made his decision.

> He's made the decision that he wants both of us. Are you not okay with  
that?

I am not too proud to take whatever I can get, not where Doyle is concerned at least. For however long it lasts.

> > > I want us to work this out. It's important to me. YOU'RE important to  
me. I hope you know that.

> > As long as you don't hurt Doyle again I won't have a problem with you.

> I sure as hell don't intend to. But I don't want to hurt you, either,  
and it sounds like all of this is. And I don't know what to do about it.

I don't think there is anything you can do about it, Angel. Sometimes things just are the way they are whether they hurt or not.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wesley.

> > It's not that simple. Do you seriously think that Doyle would say stuff  
like he's been saying about you if he didn't mean it? He's not that  
kind of person. He wouldn't lie to you just to make you feel better. He  
loves you, and wants you, and needs you, too. And I'm not going to take  
any of that away from him, not if I can help it.

> Do you really mean that? That you can come back and just sit back and  
watch Doyle and me... without it bothering you?

Honestly? I don't know. Picturing it in my head... yeah, there's part of me that doesn't like it, sure. But I want Doyle to be happy, and if that includes you, then I'll figure out a way to deal with it. I wouldn't ask him to give you up, and, well, I wouldn't ask you to give HIM up, either. If you and I can find a way to get past the past and be friends again, or maybe more than friends... that'd just be an extra bonus.

> > Not really. If I did, it wouldn't really be neutral, would it? Maybe we  
can go someplace new, someplace neither of us has been before?

> Or maybe somewhere we've both been before? How about the Hyperion?  
Somehow I don't think this is a conversation either of us wants to  
have in public.

Are you planning on yelling? Because I wasn't. Although, come to think of it, yeah, I can see why you might want to yell at me. I pretty much expected Doyle to, and he didn't. But you'd be entitled. The Hyperion's fine by me, if it's okay with you. Then you can yell at me all you want and no one will be around to get worried.

> > > It's not important, not now. Doyle's made his decision.

> > He's made the decision that he wants both of us. Are you not okay with  
that?

> I am not too proud to take whatever I can get, not where Doyle is  
concerned at least. For however long it lasts.

I don't... I really don't think it's like that. He doesn't see you like that, like someone he's just giving a part of himself to, you know? Does that make sense?

> > > As long as you don't hurt Doyle again I won't have a problem with you.

> > I sure as hell don't intend to. But I don't want to hurt you, either,  
and it sounds like all of this is. And I don't know what to do about it.

> I don't think there is anything you can do about it, Angel. Sometimes  
things just are the way they are whether they hurt or not.

So that's it? I'm just supposed to accept the fact that you're hurting over this and not try to do anything about it? I'm... I don't think I can do that, Wes. You're too important to me. I can't just shrug that off like it doesn't mean anything.

I know I've done stuff to prove otherwise, but I want to be someone you can trust. If there are things I can do to make it easier, tell me.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > Do you really mean that? That you can come back and just sit back and  
watch Doyle and me... without it bothering you?

> Honestly? I don't know. Picturing it in my head... yeah, there's part  
of me that doesn't like it, sure. But I want Doyle to be happy, and if  
that includes you, then I'll figure out a way to deal with it. I  
wouldn't ask him to give you up, and, well, I wouldn't ask you to give  
HIM up, either. If you and I can find a way to get past the past and be  
friends again, or maybe more than friends... that'd just be an extra  
bonus.

We agree on that at least -- wanting Doyle to be happy, even if that means awkward situations for us.

What do you mean, more than friends?

> > Or maybe somewhere we've both been before? How about the Hyperion?  
Somehow I don't think this is a conversation either of us wants to  
have in public.

> Are you planning on yelling? Because I wasn't. Although, come to think  
of it, yeah, I can see why you might want to yell at me. I pretty much  
expected Doyle to, and he didn't. But you'd be entitled. The Hyperion's  
fine by me, if it's okay with you. Then you can yell at me all you want  
and no one will be around to get worried.

I wasn't planning on yelling, although I don't deny the possibility of it. It's more... this is a rather... private subject and I don't feel all that comfortable talking about it where strangers could overhear. Let's face it, it's not exactly something most people would understand.

> > > > It's not important, not now. Doyle's made his decision.

> > > He's made the decision that he wants both of us. Are you not okay with  
that?

> > I am not too proud to take whatever I can get, not where Doyle is  
concerned at least. For however long it lasts.

> I don't... I really don't think it's like that. He doesn't see you like  
that, like someone he's just giving a part of himself to, you know?  
Does that make sense?

I'm.. not sure if it does. Maybe?

> > > I sure as hell don't intend to. But I don't want to hurt you, either,  
and it sounds like all of this is. And I don't know what to do about it.

> > I don't think there is anything you can do about it, Angel. Sometimes  
things just are the way they are whether they hurt or not.

> So that's it? I'm just supposed to accept the fact that you're hurting  
over this and not try to do anything about it? I'm... I don't think I  
can do that, Wes. You're too important to me. I can't just shrug that  
off like it doesn't mean anything.

I know I've done stuff to prove otherwise, but I want to be someone you  
can trust. If there are things I can do to make it easier, tell me.

I... I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wesley.

> > Honestly? I don't know. Picturing it in my head... yeah, there's part  
of me that doesn't like it, sure. But I want Doyle to be happy, and if  
that includes you, then I'll figure out a way to deal with it. I  
wouldn't ask him to give you up, and, well, I wouldn't ask you to give  
HIM up, either. If you and I can find a way to get past the past and be  
friends again, or maybe more than friends... that'd just be an extra  
bonus.

> We agree on that at least -- wanting Doyle to be happy, even if that  
means awkward situations for us.

What do you mean, more than friends?

Well, it wouldn't be awkward forever, would it? I mean, it didn't used to be. Eventually, we'd be comfortable with each other again, I think. I hope.

Does 'more than friends' have lots of meanings?

I don't know. Doyle said some stuff that got me thinking, I guess. About the way that I used to look at you, and how I thought that maybe, if things had been different... but you don't feel that way anymore, and I don't blame you, considering. There's a lot of stuff between us, it makes sense that it would make you not... be able to have, you know. Those kinds of feelings for me.

> > Are you planning on yelling? Because I wasn't. Although, come to think  
of it, yeah, I can see why you might want to yell at me. I pretty much  
expected Doyle to, and he didn't. But you'd be entitled. The Hyperion's  
fine by me, if it's okay with you. Then you can yell at me all you want  
and no one will be around to get worried.

> I wasn't planning on yelling, although I don't deny the possibility of  
it. It's more... this is a rather... private subject and I don't feel  
all that comfortable talking about it where strangers could overhear.  
Let's face it, it's not exactly something most people would  
understand.

Okay, yeah, I can see that. Whatever you're comfortable with is fine with me. Really.

> > > I am not too proud to take whatever I can get, not where Doyle is  
concerned at least. For however long it lasts.

> > I don't... I really don't think it's like that. He doesn't see you like  
that, like someone he's just giving a part of himself to, you know?  
Does that make sense?

> I'm.. Not sure if it does. Maybe?

I mean, he's not thinking 'I wonder how little I can give Wes and still have him stick around.' He's not like that. He wouldn't want your relationship if it was going to be one sided, so that means he really loves you. All the way. I guess it doesn't mean he can't still love me, too, but...

> > > I don't think there is anything you can do about it, Angel. Sometimes  
things just are the way they are whether they hurt or not.

> > So that's it? I'm just supposed to accept the fact that you're hurting  
over this and not try to do anything about it? I'm... I don't think I  
can do that, Wes. You're too important to me. I can't just shrug that  
off like it doesn't mean anything.

I know I've done stuff to prove otherwise, but I want to be someone you  
can trust. If there are things I can do to make it easier, tell me.

> I... I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

Okay.

I understand. And I'll give you whatever time and space you need.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > We agree on that at least -- wanting Doyle to be happy, even if that  
means awkward situations for us.

What do you mean, more than friends?

> Well, it wouldn't be awkward forever, would it? I mean, it didn't used  
to be. Eventually, we'd be comfortable with each other again, I think.  
I hope.

I suppose our lives are living testaments that you can get used to pretty much anything eventually.

> Does 'more than friends' have lots of meanings?

Not generally, no, but it wasn't something I was expecting to hear from you.

> I don't know. Doyle said some stuff that got me thinking, I guess.  
About the way that I used to look at you, and how I thought that maybe,  
if things had been different... but you don't feel that way anymore,  
and I don't blame you, considering. There's a lot of stuff between us,  
it makes sense that it would make you not... be able to have, you know.  
Those kinds of feelings for me.

Kindly please refrain from telling me what I do and don't feel anymore.

But... are you saying that you... have -- or even had -- romantic feelings for me?

> > I wasn't planning on yelling, although I don't deny the possibility of  
it. It's more... this is a rather... private subject and I don't feel  
all that comfortable talking about it where strangers could overhear.  
Let's face it, it's not exactly something most people would  
understand.

> Okay, yeah, I can see that. Whatever you're comfortable with is fine  
with me. Really.

I'm starting to think we have more to talk about than I originally thought.

> > > > I am not too proud to take whatever I can get, not where Doyle is  
concerned at least. For however long it lasts.

> > > I don't... I really don't think it's like that. He doesn't see you like  
that, like someone he's just giving a part of himself to, you know?  
Does that make sense?

> > I'm.. Not sure if it does. Maybe?

> I mean, he's not thinking 'I wonder how little I can give Wes and still  
have him stick around.' He's not like that. He wouldn't want your  
relationship if it was going to be one sided, so that means he really  
loves you. All the way. I guess it doesn't mean he can't still love me,  
too, but...

But...?

Angel, I can assure you that Doyle does love you and that he's never stopped. Even when we... he made that point quite clear, not that he needed to. It was quite plain to anybody with eyes. And sense, which perhaps leaves you out at times admittedly.

> > > > I don't think there is anything you can do about it, Angel. Sometimes  
things just are the way they are whether they hurt or not.

> > > So that's it? I'm just supposed to accept the fact that you're hurting  
over this and not try to do anything about it? I'm... I don't think I  
can do that, Wes. You're too important to me. I can't just shrug that  
off like it doesn't mean anything.

I know I've done stuff to prove otherwise, but I want to be someone you  
can trust. If there are things I can do to make it easier, tell me.

> > I... I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

> Okay.

I understand. And I'll give you whatever time and space you need.

Thank you.

For what it's worth I'm beginning to think we can come to some new accord somehow, whatever that may end up being.

Wesley

_________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wesley.

Hey, it's getting really late. If you need to go get some sleep, or whatever, we can talk more later. Which isn't me saying that I want to stop talking now, just that you should make sure you're taking care of yourself.

> > > We agree on that at least -- wanting Doyle to be happy, even if that  
means awkward situations for us.

What do you mean, more than friends?

> > Well, it wouldn't be awkward forever, would it? I mean, it didn't used  
to be. Eventually, we'd be comfortable with each other again, I think.  
I hope.

> I suppose our lives are living testaments that you can get used to  
pretty much anything eventually.

Well, other than the 'living' part, in my case, at least. But yeah, I get what you're saying.

> > Does 'more than friends' have lots of meanings?

> Not generally, no, but it wasn't something I was expecting to hear from you.

Now? I mean, because of what's happened? Or ever?

> > I don't know. Doyle said some stuff that got me thinking, I guess.  
About the way that I used to look at you, and how I thought that maybe,  
if things had been different... but you don't feel that way anymore,  
and I don't blame you, considering. There's a lot of stuff between us,  
it makes sense that it would make you not... be able to have, you know.  
Those kinds of feelings for me.

> Kindly please refrain from telling me what I do and don't feel anymore.

Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I just meant... that I'd understand.

> But... are you saying that you... have -- or even had -- romantic  
feelings for me?

Could I have seen us getting together? Sure. Didn't you? Maybe it was just me. But I thought... well, there were times when it seemed like we were only a step away from that. All the other stuff was there. You were like family to me already -- you and Cordelia. Wow, that probably sounds bad, but I don't mean family in an incest kind of way, even if technically there's a whole vibe in that direction, what with the vampire thing, and other vampires.

Okay, I'm getting off topic. But the answer is yes, I did. Do, maybe, although it's kind of new to be thinking about it again.

> > > I wasn't planning on yelling, although I don't deny the possibility of  
it. It's more... this is a rather... private subject and I don't feel  
all that comfortable talking about it where strangers could overhear.  
Let's face it, it's not exactly something most people would  
understand.

> > Okay, yeah, I can see that. Whatever you're comfortable with is fine  
with me. Really.

> I'm starting to think we have more to talk about than I originally thought.

Do we?

> > I mean, he's not thinking 'I wonder how little I can give Wes and still  
have him stick around.' He's not like that. He wouldn't want your  
relationship if it was going to be one sided, so that means he really  
loves you. All the way. I guess it doesn't mean he can't still love me,  
too, but...

> But...?

Angel, I can assure you that Doyle does love you and that he's never  
stopped. Even when we... he made that point quite clear, not that he  
needed to. It was quite plain to anybody with eyes. And sense, which  
perhaps leaves you out at times admittedly.

No, I know that he loves me. Sometimes I'm not sure WHY, but I know it. I meant that it's not what I was expecting, or would have expected, him and me, and you and him, and... whatever else might happen.

> > > > I know I've done stuff to prove otherwise, but I want to be someone you  
can trust. If there are things I can do to make it easier, tell me.

> > > I... I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

> > Okay.

I understand. And I'll give you whatever time and space you need.

> Thank you.

For what it's worth I'm beginning to think we can come to some new  
accord somehow, whatever that may end up being.

I hope we can. You mean a lot to me, and I'll tell you the same thing I told Doyle -- I'll do whatever it takes to get this to work.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> Hey, it's getting really late. If you need to go get some sleep, or  
whatever, we can talk more later. Which isn't me saying that I want to  
stop talking now, just that you should make sure you're taking care of  
yourself.

I'm fine, really. If I get tired, I'll let you know.

> > > Does 'more than friends' have lots of meanings?

> > Not generally, no, but it wasn't something I was expecting to hear  
from you.

> Now? I mean, because of what's happened? Or ever?

Ever, really.

I never was able to convince myself that you could feel the same way I did.

Do. Maybe.

> > > I don't know. Doyle said some stuff that got me thinking, I guess.  
About the way that I used to look at you, and how I thought that maybe,  
if things had been different... but you don't feel that way anymore,  
and I don't blame you, considering. There's a lot of stuff between us,  
it makes sense that it would make you not... be able to have, you know.  
Those kinds of feelings for me.

> > Kindly please refrain from telling me what I do and don't feel anymore.

> Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I just meant... that I'd understand.

My feelings, my.... heart... is remarkably stubborn once it settles on someone. No matter what asinine acts of stupidity the object of my affections may indulge in.

> > But... are you saying that you... have -- or even had -- romantic  
feelings for me?

> Could I have seen us getting together? Sure. Didn't you? Maybe it was  
just me. But I thought... well, there were times when it seemed like we  
were only a step away from that. All the other stuff was there. You  
were like family to me already -- you and Cordelia. Wow, that probably  
sounds bad, but I don't mean family in an incest kind of way, even if  
technically there's a whole vibe in that direction, what with the  
vampire thing, and other vampires.

I thought about it.. Quite a lot at times. But I never thought you would... Well.

> Okay, I'm getting off topic. But the answer is yes, I did. Do, maybe,  
although it's kind of new to be thinking about it again.

You really mean that? I'm sorry to keep asking, but... I wasn't expecting...

> > I'm starting to think we have more to talk about than I originally  
thought.

> Do we?

If you're serious, then yes.

> > Angel, I can assure you that Doyle does love you and that he's never  
stopped. Even when we... he made that point quite clear, not that he  
needed to. It was quite plain to anybody with eyes. And sense, which  
perhaps leaves you out at times admittedly.

> No, I know that he loves me. Sometimes I'm not sure WHY, but I know it.  
I meant that it's not what I was expecting, or would have expected, him  
and me, and you and him, and... whatever else might happen.

I think I may give up trying to expect things. Reality seems to have very little to do with what I expect.

> > > I understand. And I'll give you whatever time and space you need.

> > Thank you.

For what it's worth I'm beginning to think we can come to some new  
accord somehow, whatever that may end up being.

> I hope we can. You mean a lot to me, and I'll tell you the same thing I  
told Doyle -- I'll do whatever it takes to get this to work.

I'm starting to believe you.

Wes

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wes.

> > Hey, it's getting really late. If you need to go get some sleep, or  
whatever, we can talk more later. Which isn't me saying that I want to  
stop talking now, just that you should make sure you're taking care of  
yourself.

> I'm fine, really. If I get tired, I'll let you know.

Okay. I don't want to keep you up and have you get sick or something.

> > > > Does 'more than friends' have lots of meanings?

> > > Not generally, no, but it wasn't something I was expecting to hear  
from you.

> > Now? I mean, because of what's happened? Or ever?

> Ever, really.

I never was able to convince myself that you could feel the same way I did.

Do. Maybe.

Do? Maybe? I guess that's hopeful, right?

> > > Kindly please refrain from telling me what I do and don't feel anymore.

> > Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I just meant... that I'd understand.

> My feelings, my.... heart... is remarkably stubborn once it settles on  
someone. No matter what asinine acts of stupidity the object of my  
affections may indulge in.

Okay, I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered. Not that I wouldn't agree with you that I do really stupid stuff sometimes. I wish I didn't. You were right, before, and I should have listened to you. When I left, I mean. Although if I'd stayed, I guess we wouldn't be having this conversation, so... maybe it wasn't all bad.

> > Could I have seen us getting together? Sure. Didn't you? Maybe it was  
just me. But I thought... well, there were times when it seemed like we  
were only a step away from that. All the other stuff was there. You  
were like family to me already -- you and Cordelia. Wow, that probably  
sounds bad, but I don't mean family in an incest kind of way, even if  
technically there's a whole vibe in that direction, what with the  
vampire thing, and other vampires.

> I thought about it.. Quite a lot at times. But I never thought you  
would... Well.

I was a mess, after Buffy. And then when Doyle died... the last thing I wanted was to lose someone else I cared about. I think I thought that maybe I could keep from caring that much, and then, if something happened, it wouldn't be so bad.

But I thought about it. You. Wanted you. I just wasn't sure why, and I didn't want to get things wrong, for the wrong reasons.

> > Okay, I'm getting off topic. But the answer is yes, I did. Do, maybe,  
although it's kind of new to be thinking about it again.

> You really mean that? I'm sorry to keep asking, but... I wasn't expecting...

I really mean it. Honest.

We were... I mean, we were close, right? When Connor was first born. You were like... I don't know, part of me, or something. Sorry -- I suck at this. I don't know how to put stuff into words and have it make any sense.

> > > I'm starting to think we have more to talk about than I originally  
thought.

> > Do we?

> If you're serious, then yes.

Yes. I'm serious, Wesley. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I do want to try. If you do.

> > > Angel, I can assure you that Doyle does love you and that he's never  
stopped. Even when we... he made that point quite clear, not that he  
needed to. It was quite plain to anybody with eyes. And sense, which  
perhaps leaves you out at times admittedly.

> > No, I know that he loves me. Sometimes I'm not sure WHY, but I know it.  
I meant that it's not what I was expecting, or would have expected, him  
and me, and you and him, and... whatever else might happen.

> I think I may give up trying to expect things. Reality seems to have  
very little to do with what I expect.

Isn't it funny how that happens?

> > > For what it's worth I'm beginning to think we can come to some new  
accord somehow, whatever that may end up being.

> > I hope we can. You mean a lot to me, and I'll tell you the same thing I  
told Doyle -- I'll do whatever it takes to get this to work.

> I'm starting to believe you.

Good.

What do you want, Wes? Tell me.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > > Hey, it's getting really late. If you need to go get some sleep, or  
whatever, we can talk more later. Which isn't me saying that I want to  
stop talking now, just that you should make sure you're taking care of  
yourself.

> > I'm fine, really. If I get tired, I'll let you know.

> Okay. I don't want to keep you up and have you get sick or something.

I can assure you, I'm quite capable of putting myself to bed when necessary. It's not necessary right now.

> > > > > Does 'more than friends' have lots of meanings?

> > > > Not generally, no, but it wasn't something I was expecting to hear  
from you.

> > > Now? I mean, because of what's happened? Or ever?

> > Ever, really.

I never was able to convince myself that you could feel the same way I  
did.

Do. Maybe.

> Do? Maybe? I guess that's hopeful, right?

It does seem to be looking that way, in spite of everything. Not sure exactly how that's come about but hope does seem to be flourishing right now.

> > My feelings, my.... heart... is remarkably stubborn once it settles on  
someone. No matter what asinine acts of stupidity the object of my  
affections may indulge in.

> Okay, I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered. Not that I  
wouldn't agree with you that I do really stupid stuff sometimes. I wish  
I didn't. You were right, before, and I should have listened to you.  
When I left, I mean. Although if I'd stayed, I guess we wouldn't be  
having this conversation, so... maybe it wasn't all bad.

Doyle has been working on you, hasn't he? You're actually looking for the proverbial silver lining.

> > > Could I have seen us getting together? Sure. Didn't you? Maybe it was  
just me. But I thought... well, there were times when it seemed like we  
were only a step away from that. All the other stuff was there. You  
were like family to me already -- you and Cordelia. Wow, that probably  
sounds bad, but I don't mean family in an incest kind of way, even if  
technically there's a whole vibe in that direction, what with the  
vampire thing, and other vampires.

> > I thought about it.. Quite a lot at times. But I never thought you  
would... Well.

> I was a mess, after Buffy. And then when Doyle died... the last thing I  
wanted was to lose someone else I cared about. I think I thought that  
maybe I could keep from caring that much, and then, if something  
happened, it wouldn't be so bad.

But I thought about it. You. Wanted you. I just wasn't sure why, and I  
didn't want to get things wrong, for the wrong reasons.

I can understand that. That had a lot to do with why I never said or did anything -- I didn't want to do anything to lose what I had. Of course the way things turned out, it was rather a moot point but...

> > > Okay, I'm getting off topic. But the answer is yes, I did. Do, maybe,  
although it's kind of new to be thinking about it again.

> > You really mean that? I'm sorry to keep asking, but... I wasn't  
expecting...

> I really mean it. Honest.

We were... I mean, we were close, right? When Connor was first born.  
You were like... I don't know, part of me, or something. Sorry -- I  
suck at this. I don't know how to put stuff into words and have it make  
any sense.

I don't seem to be much better. Guess that may be a big reason why we never talked about this before; we didn't have Doyle to poke us into talking.

Yes, we were close.

> > > > I'm starting to think we have more to talk about than I originally  
thought.

> > > Do we?

> > If you're serious, then yes.

> Yes. I'm serious, Wesley. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I  
do want to try. If you do.

This is... unwise, wishful, possibly insane.

But I do. Want to try.

> > I think I may give up trying to expect things. Reality seems to have  
very little to do with what I expect.

> Isn't it funny how that happens?

What is that line from the song? "I think that God's got a sick sense of humour"?

> > > > For what it's worth I'm beginning to think we can come to some new  
accord somehow, whatever that may end up being.

> > > I hope we can. You mean a lot to me, and I'll tell you the same thing I  
told Doyle -- I'll do whatever it takes to get this to work.

> > I'm starting to believe you.

> Good.

What do you want, Wes? Tell me.

What I want in a perfect world and what I can conceivably expect to obtain... well may not be as far apart as I originally thought.

Hope.

That's a start.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wes.

> > Okay. I don't want to keep you up and have you get sick or something.

> I can assure you, I'm quite capable of putting myself to bed when  
necessary. It's not necessary right now.

You'd know better than I would.

> > Do? Maybe? I guess that's hopeful, right?

> It does seem to be looking that way, in spite of everything. Not sure  
exactly how that's come about but hope does seem to be flourishing  
right now.

Well, it's looking right now like Doyle and I will drive back tomorrow, I guess, so maybe you and I will have a chance to talk in person? Soon, I mean -- not necessarily tomorrow, since I'm sure you have stuff to do, and... well, I guess we're going to have to talk about the office at some point, too, aren't we.

I'm sorry for leaving, Wes.

> > Okay, I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered. Not that I  
wouldn't agree with you that I do really stupid stuff sometimes. I wish  
I didn't. You were right, before, and I should have listened to you.  
When I left, I mean. Although if I'd stayed, I guess we wouldn't be  
having this conversation, so... maybe it wasn't all bad.

> Doyle has been working on you, hasn't he? You're actually looking for  
the proverbial silver lining.

Is that what I'm doing?

I thought I was just looking at you.

> > I was a mess, after Buffy. And then when Doyle died... the last thing I  
wanted was to lose someone else I cared about. I think I thought that  
maybe I could keep from caring that much, and then, if something  
happened, it wouldn't be so bad.

But I thought about it. You. Wanted you. I just wasn't sure why, and I  
didn't want to get things wrong, for the wrong reasons.

> I can understand that. That had a lot to do with why I never said or  
did anything -- I didn't want to do anything to lose what I had. Of  
course the way things turned out, it was rather a moot point but...

Maybe... I don't know, maybe we could both just try to go on from here? Not think about the past so much, what with all the stuff between us. Because thinking about it doesn't change it, and it reminds me of when I was mad at you, and I don't want to be mad at you anymore. You know?

> > We were... I mean, we were close, right? When Connor was first born.  
You were like... I don't know, part of me, or something. Sorry -- I  
suck at this. I don't know how to put stuff into words and have it make  
any sense.

> I don't seem to be much better. Guess that may be a big reason why we  
never talked about this before; we didn't have Doyle to poke us into  
talking.

Yes, we were close.

Good. At least, it's good to know that it wasn't just me who thought so. And yeah, I guess it's a good thing we've got Doyle to help get us back to that point.

> This is... unwise, wishful, possibly insane.

But I do. Want to try.

Unwise? Really? Are you... you're thinking that I'm going to fuck things up again, aren't you. That's fair. Not like I don't have a history of it. I'm going to try not to, though. And I promise I'll listen when you have something to say, even if it's something I don't want to hear.

> > > I think I may give up trying to expect things. Reality seems to have  
very little to do with what I expect.

> > Isn't it funny how that happens?

> What is that line from the song? "I think that God's got a sick sense  
of humour"?

I'm not sure God has anything to do with this. I kind of think we're operating under his radar. Or above it, maybe.

> > What do you want, Wes? Tell me.

> What I want in a perfect world and what I can conceivably expect to  
obtain... well may not be as far apart as I originally thought.

Hope.

That's a start.

It is, yeah, but if you won't tell me what you want, it makes it harder to give it to you. Think about telling me, at least? I'll try to give you time, and space, and all that stuff. I get that this isn't easy.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > > Do? Maybe? I guess that's hopeful, right?

> > It does seem to be looking that way, in spite of everything. Not sure  
exactly how that's come about but hope does seem to be flourishing  
right now.

> Well, it's looking right now like Doyle and I will drive back tomorrow,  
I guess, so maybe you and I will have a chance to talk in person? Soon,  
I mean -- not necessarily tomorrow, since I'm sure you have stuff to  
do, and... well, I guess we're going to have to talk about the office  
at some point, too, aren't we.

I can meet you whenever you want, although I'm sure you want some time alone with Doyle first. I can wait until you're ready.

> I'm sorry for leaving, Wes.

It was never me you owed the apology to.

> > > Okay, I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered. Not that I  
wouldn't agree with you that I do really stupid stuff sometimes. I wish  
I didn't. You were right, before, and I should have listened to you.  
When I left, I mean. Although if I'd stayed, I guess we wouldn't be  
having this conversation, so... maybe it wasn't all bad.

> > Doyle has been working on you, hasn't he? You're actually looking for  
the proverbial silver lining.

> Is that what I'm doing?

I thought I was just looking at you.

I don't think I've ever been called a silver lining before. As compliments go, it's quite... flattering.

> > > But I thought about it. You. Wanted you. I just wasn't sure why, and I  
didn't want to get things wrong, for the wrong reasons.

> > I can understand that. That had a lot to do with why I never said or  
did anything -- I didn't want to do anything to lose what I had. Of  
course the way things turned out, it was rather a moot point but...

> Maybe... I don't know, maybe we could both just try to go on from here?  
Not think about the past so much, what with all the stuff between us.  
Because thinking about it doesn't change it, and it reminds me of when  
I was mad at you, and I don't want to be mad at you anymore. You know?

Yes, that does sound like Doyle's influence there. Not that it isn't completely correct; we all would do better to stop living in the past so much.

And... I don't want to be mad at you anymore either.

> > > We were... I mean, we were close, right? When Connor was first born.  
You were like... I don't know, part of me, or something. Sorry -- I  
suck at this. I don't know how to put stuff into words and have it make  
any sense.

> > I don't seem to be much better. Guess that may be a big reason why we  
never talked about this before; we didn't have Doyle to poke us into  
talking.

Yes, we were close.

> Good. At least, it's good to know that it wasn't just me who thought  
so. And yeah, I guess it's a good thing we've got Doyle to help get us  
back to that point.

Not the only good reason to have Doyle around, but this one at least I think we can agree on without getting into that awkward territory again.

> > This is... unwise, wishful, possibly insane.

But I do. Want to try.

> Unwise? Really? Are you... you're thinking that I'm going to fuck  
things up again, aren't you. That's fair. Not like I don't have a  
history of it. I'm going to try not to, though. And I promise I'll  
listen when you have something to say, even if it's something I don't  
want to hear.

You don't hold a monopoly on fucking things up, you know.

But try is all we can do. At the very least I begin to have confidence that we can at least get back to what we once were. Moving beyond that is an amazing and frightening thought.

> > > > I think I may give up trying to expect things. Reality seems to have  
very little to do with what I expect.

> > > Isn't it funny how that happens?

> > What is that line from the song? "I think that God's got a sick sense  
of humour"?

> I'm not sure God has anything to do with this. I kind of think we're  
operating under his radar. Or above it, maybe.

That would seem like the best place to be, considering the capriciousness of the gods.

> > > What do you want, Wes? Tell me.

> > What I want in a perfect world and what I can conceivably expect to  
obtain... well may not be as far apart as I originally thought.

Hope.

That's a start.

> It is, yeah, but if you won't tell me what you want, it makes it harder  
to give it to you. Think about telling me, at least? I'll try to give  
you time, and space, and all that stuff. I get that this isn't easy.

What do I want? First and foremost, Doyle happy. I'd like for it to be with me, but the idea of it being with us isn't as threatening as it was even a few hours ago. I'd like our friendship back. Anything beyond that...

Well. Let's start with friendship.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wes.

> > Well, it's looking right now like Doyle and I will drive back tomorrow,  
I guess, so maybe you and I will have a chance to talk in person? Soon,  
I mean -- not necessarily tomorrow, since I'm sure you have stuff to  
do, and... well, I guess we're going to have to talk about the office  
at some point, too, aren't we.

> I can meet you whenever you want, although I'm sure you want some time  
alone with Doyle first. I can wait until you're ready.

Wes... not to be too blunt, or whatever, but this isn't about what I want. I'M the one who walked away from the both of you. Don't think I'm not aware of how lucky I am that Doyle's willing to take me back, and don't make the mistake of thinking that you're the one that has to make the concessions here, because you're not.

> > I'm sorry for leaving, Wes.

> It was never me you owed the apology to.

Actually, I think I did. Maybe not as big as the apology I owed Doyle, but yeah, you deserved one, too.

> > > Doyle has been working on you, hasn't he? You're actually looking for  
the proverbial silver lining.

> > Is that what I'm doing?

I thought I was just looking at you.

> I don't think I've ever been called a silver lining before. As  
compliments go, it's quite... flattering.

You are. Again, not necessarily good with words, here, but... I missed you. And not just recently.

> > Maybe... I don't know, maybe we could both just try to go on from here?  
Not think about the past so much, what with all the stuff between us.  
Because thinking about it doesn't change it, and it reminds me of when  
I was mad at you, and I don't want to be mad at you anymore. You know?

> Yes, that does sound like Doyle's influence there. Not that it isn't  
completely correct; we all would do better to stop living in the past  
so much.

And... I don't want to be mad at you anymore either.

So -- clean slate? Or as clean as we can manage, anyway? Which means looking ahead instead of back.

> > > Yes, we were close.

> > Good. At least, it's good to know that it wasn't just me who thought  
so. And yeah, I guess it's a good thing we've got Doyle to help get us  
back to that point.

> Not the only good reason to have Doyle around, but this one at least I  
think we can agree on without getting into that awkward territory  
again.

I hope so. You mean a lot to me.

> > Unwise? Really? Are you... you're thinking that I'm going to fuck  
things up again, aren't you. That's fair. Not like I don't have a  
history of it. I'm going to try not to, though. And I promise I'll  
listen when you have something to say, even if it's something I don't  
want to hear.

> You don't hold a monopoly on fucking things up, you know.

But try is all we can do. At the very least I begin to have confidence  
that we can at least get back to what we once were. Moving beyond that  
is an amazing and frightening thought.

Okay, if I'm scary, then maybe this isn't such a good idea? Which isn't me changing my mind. But maybe you should think about it some more.

> > > What is that line from the song? "I think that God's got a sick sense  
of humour"?

> > I'm not sure God has anything to do with this. I kind of think we're  
operating under his radar. Or above it, maybe.

> That would seem like the best place to be, considering the  
capriciousness of the gods.

Exactly. We'll have to take to wearing dark clothes and skulking around at night.

Oh, wait. I already do that.

> > > That's a start.

> > It is, yeah, but if you won't tell me what you want, it makes it harder  
to give it to you. Think about telling me, at least? I'll try to give  
you time, and space, and all that stuff. I get that this isn't easy.

> What do I want? First and foremost, Doyle happy. I'd like for it to be  
with me, but the idea of it being with us isn't as threatening as it  
was even a few hours ago. I'd like our friendship back. Anything  
beyond that...

Well. Let's start with friendship.

Okay, sure. We'll start there and see what happens.

And you know that I want Doyle to be happy, too. Whatever it takes, I'm willing to deal with it. If at some point he decides it's not working, and he wants me to back off so that you two can go back to the way things were... well, I won't like it, but I'll learn to live with it.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel

> > I can meet you whenever you want, although I'm sure you want some time  
alone with Doyle first. I can wait until you're ready.

> Wes... not to be too blunt, or whatever, but this isn't about what I  
want. I'M the one who walked away from the both of you. Don't think I'm  
not aware of how lucky I am that Doyle's willing to take me back, and  
don't make the mistake of thinking that you're the one that has to make  
the concessions here, because you're not.

All right. But I still can wait until you and Doyle have had some time alone, and can meet you when you are ready.

That isn't me making concessions so much as saying I am willing to meet you as soon as it can practically be arranged.

> > > I'm sorry for leaving, Wes.

> > It was never me you owed the apology to.

> Actually, I think I did. Maybe not as big as the apology I owed Doyle,  
but yeah, you deserved one, too.

I'm still not sure it's necessary, but apology accepted.

> > I don't think I've ever been called a silver lining before. As  
compliments go, it's quite... flattering.

> You are. Again, not necessarily good with words, here, but... I missed  
you. And not just recently.

You wouldn't be alone in the missing.

> So -- clean slate? Or as clean as we can manage, anyway? Which means  
looking ahead instead of back.

Agreed, a clean slate.

> > > > Yes, we were close.

> > > Good. At least, it's good to know that it wasn't just me who thought  
so. And yeah, I guess it's a good thing we've got Doyle to help get us  
back to that point.

> > Not the only good reason to have Doyle around, but this one at least I  
think we can agree on without getting into that awkward territory  
again.

> I hope so. You mean a lot to me.

You've been rather like the north star; most of my actions in the past four years have been guided in one way or another by you.

> > > Unwise? Really? Are you... you're thinking that I'm going to fuck  
things up again, aren't you. That's fair. Not like I don't have a  
history of it. I'm going to try not to, though. And I promise I'll  
listen when you have something to say, even if it's something I don't  
want to hear.

> > You don't hold a monopoly on fucking things up, you know.

But try is all we can do. At the very least I begin to have confidence  
that we can at least get back to what we once were. Moving beyond that  
is an amazing and frightening thought.

> Okay, if I'm scary, then maybe this isn't such a good idea? Which isn't  
me changing my mind. But maybe you should think about it some more.

It's not you that's scary. It's the idea of getting something that has only been fantasy for so long.

> > > > What is that line from the song? "I think that God's got a sick sense  
of humour"?

> > > I'm not sure God has anything to do with this. I kind of think we're  
operating under his radar. Or above it, maybe.

> > That would seem like the best place to be, considering the  
capriciousness of the gods.

> Exactly. We'll have to take to wearing dark clothes and skulking around  
at night.

Oh, wait. I already do that.

Was that an actual joke?

> > > > That's a start.

> > > It is, yeah, but if you won't tell me what you want, it makes it harder  
to give it to you. Think about telling me, at least? I'll try to give  
you time, and space, and all that stuff. I get that this isn't easy.

> > What do I want? First and foremost, Doyle happy. I'd like for it to be  
with me, but the idea of it being with us isn't as threatening as it  
was even a few hours ago. I'd like our friendship back. Anything  
beyond that...

Well. Let's start with friendship.

> Okay, sure. We'll start there and see what happens.

And you know that I want Doyle to be happy, too. Whatever it takes, I'm  
willing to deal with it. If at some point he decides it's not working,  
and he wants me to back off so that you two can go back to the way  
things were... well, I won't like it, but I'll learn to live with it.

It's far more likely that Doyle would decide he wants to be with only you than with only me. You're the one he came back for. You're the one he died for in the first place. I can't see him giving that up now -- especially given the circumstances.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wes.

> > Wes... not to be too blunt, or whatever, but this isn't about what I  
want. I'M the one who walked away from the both of you. Don't think I'm  
not aware of how lucky I am that Doyle's willing to take me back, and  
don't make the mistake of thinking that you're the one that has to make  
the concessions here, because you're not.

> All right. But I still can wait until you and Doyle have had some time  
alone, and can meet you when you are ready.

That isn't me making concessions so much as saying I am willing to  
meet you as soon as it can practically be arranged.

Okay... just don't forget what I said. You don't have to just do what I want, or what Doyle wants. You have a say in what happens, too.

> > Actually, I think I did. Maybe not as big as the apology I owed Doyle,  
but yeah, you deserved one, too.

> I'm still not sure it's necessary, but apology accepted.

Thanks. I'm going to make it up to you, once I figure out how.

> > You are. Again, not necessarily good with words, here, but... I missed  
you. And not just recently.

> You wouldn't be alone in the missing.

Really? I'm... you're serious?

> > So -- clean slate? Or as clean as we can manage, anyway? Which means  
looking ahead instead of back.

> Agreed, a clean slate.

Good.

> > > Not the only good reason to have Doyle around, but this one at least I  
think we can agree on without getting into that awkward territory  
again.

> > I hope so. You mean a lot to me.

> You've been rather like the north star; most of my actions in the past  
four years have been guided in one way or another by you.

Don't think I haven't appreciated all your help -- there were times when I don't know what I would have done without you. A lot of times, actually.

> > > But try is all we can do. At the very least I begin to have confidence  
that we can at least get back to what we once were. Moving beyond that  
is an amazing and frightening thought.

> > Okay, if I'm scary, then maybe this isn't such a good idea? Which isn't  
me changing my mind. But maybe you should think about it some more.

> It's not you that's scary. It's the idea of getting something that has  
only been fantasy for so long.

Do you mean fantasy like... FANTASY? For real?

> > Exactly. We'll have to take to wearing dark clothes and skulking around  
at night.

Oh, wait. I already do that.

> Was that an actual joke?

It was! And, even more importantly, you GOT it. You think that means there's still a hope of me developing a sense of humor?

> > And you know that I want Doyle to be happy, too. Whatever it takes, I'm  
willing to deal with it. If at some point he decides it's not working,  
and he wants me to back off so that you two can go back to the way  
things were... well, I won't like it, but I'll learn to live with it.

> It's far more likely that Doyle would decide he wants to be with only  
you than with only me. You're the one he came back for. You're the one  
he died for in the first place. I can't see him giving that up now --  
especially given the circumstances.

I feel like you're not hearing me when I say that Doyle wouldn't be with you just because he couldn't have me. It's not like that. I know it's not. Would you believe Doyle if HE told you?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > All right. But I still can wait until you and Doyle have had some time  
alone, and can meet you when you are ready.

That isn't me making concessions so much as saying I am willing to  
meet you as soon as it can practically be arranged.

> Okay... just don't forget what I said. You don't have to just do what I  
want, or what Doyle wants. You have a say in what happens, too.

That being stipulated, I do believe we were trying to arrange when we are going to meet to discuss things in person. I can do so whenever you're ready to. Which is all I've been  
saying.

> > > Actually, I think I did. Maybe not as big as the apology I owed Doyle,  
but yeah, you deserved one, too.

> > I'm still not sure it's necessary, but apology accepted.

> Thanks. I'm going to make it up to you, once I figure out how.

All right, I know that's not necessary. Really.

> > > You are. Again, not necessarily good with words, here, but... I missed  
you. And not just recently.

> > You wouldn't be alone in the missing.

> Really? I'm... you're serious?

I am.

> > > > Not the only good reason to have Doyle around, but this one at least I  
think we can agree on without getting into that awkward territory  
again.

> > > I hope so. You mean a lot to me.

> > You've been rather like the north star; most of my actions in the past  
four years have been guided in one way or another by you.

> Don't think I haven't appreciated all your help -- there were times  
when I don't know what I would have done without you. A lot of times,  
actually.

I... am glad to have been of service.

> > > Okay, if I'm scary, then maybe this isn't such a good idea? Which isn't  
me changing my mind. But maybe you should think about it some more.

> > It's not you that's scary. It's the idea of getting something that has  
only been fantasy for so long.

> Do you mean fantasy like... FANTASY? For real?

Fantasies do tend to go hand in hand with the sort of feelings we've been talking about..

> > > Exactly. We'll have to take to wearing dark clothes and skulking  
around at night.

Oh, wait. I already do that.

> > Was that an actual joke?

> It was! And, even more importantly, you GOT it. You think that means  
there's still a hope of me developing a sense of humor?

I'm beginning to think anything is possible.

> > > And you know that I want Doyle to be happy, too. Whatever it takes, I'm  
willing to deal with it. If at some point he decides it's not working,  
and he wants me to back off so that you two can go back to the way  
things were... well, I won't like it, but I'll learn to live with it.

> > It's far more likely that Doyle would decide he wants to be with only  
you than with only me. You're the one he came back for. You're the one  
he died for in the first place. I can't see him giving that up now --  
especially given the circumstances.

> I feel like you're not hearing me when I say that Doyle wouldn't be  
with you just because he couldn't have me. It's not like that. I know  
it's not. Would you believe Doyle if HE told you?

It isn't that so much as knowing who, if it came down to it, Doyle would choose.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wes.

> > Okay... just don't forget what I said. You don't have to just do what I  
want, or what Doyle wants. You have a say in what happens, too.

> That being stipulated, I do believe we were trying to arrange when we  
are going to meet to discuss things in person. I can do so whenever  
you're ready to. Which is all I've been saying.

Right. Got it.

> > > I'm still not sure it's necessary, but apology accepted.

> > Thanks. I'm going to make it up to you, once I figure out how.

> All right, I know that's not necessary. Really.

*I* think it is. It's necessary for me. That said, if I end up trying to make it up to you in a way you don't like, make sure to say.

> > > > You are. Again, not necessarily good with words, here, but... I missed  
you. And not just recently.

> > > You wouldn't be alone in the missing.

> > Really? I'm... you're serious?

> I am.

That's... good to know.

> > > You've been rather like the north star; most of my actions in the past  
four years have been guided in one way or another by you.

> > Don't think I haven't appreciated all your help -- there were times  
when I don't know what I would have done without you. A lot of times,  
actually.

> I... am glad to have been of service.

I guess there's a reason you like putting it that way, huh.

> > > It's not you that's scary. It's the idea of getting something that has  
only been fantasy for so long.

> > Do you mean fantasy like... FANTASY? For real?

> Fantasies do tend to go hand in hand with the sort of feelings we've  
been talking about..

Well, yeah, but... I suppose I never thought about it like that. That YOU might be thinking about it. Like that.

> > > Was that an actual joke?

> > It was! And, even more importantly, you GOT it. You think that means  
there's still a hope of me developing a sense of humor?

> I'm beginning to think anything is possible.

Good. That might mean I'm not a lost cause.

> > > It's far more likely that Doyle would decide he wants to be with only  
you than with only me. You're the one he came back for. You're the one  
he died for in the first place. I can't see him giving that up now --  
especially given the circumstances.

> > I feel like you're not hearing me when I say that Doyle wouldn't be  
with you just because he couldn't have me. It's not like that. I know  
it's not. Would you believe Doyle if HE told you?

> It isn't that so much as knowing who, if it came down to it, Doyle would choose.

I guess I can't convince you, so maybe we should focus on figuring out a way to work this so he won't have to.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > That being stipulated, I do believe we were trying to arrange when we  
are going to meet to discuss things in person. I can do so whenever  
you're ready to. Which is all I've been saying.

> Right. Got it.

I don't suppose you have an idea of when that will be?

> > > > I'm still not sure it's necessary, but apology accepted.

> > > Thanks. I'm going to make it up to you, once I figure out how.

> > All right, I know that's not necessary. Really.

> *I* think it is. It's necessary for me. That said, if I end up trying  
to make it up to you in a way you don't like, make sure to say.

If you're determined to do so, then yes, I will let you know if you are barking up the wrong tree as it were.

> > > > > You are. Again, not necessarily good with words, here, but... I  
missed  
you. And not just recently.

> > > > You wouldn't be alone in the missing.

> > > Really? I'm... you're serious?

> > I am.

> That's... good to know.

You can't think I was happy with the way things were between us lately. Or that I didn't miss the way we used to be.

> > > > You've been rather like the north star; most of my actions in the past  
four years have been guided in one way or another by you.

> > > Don't think I haven't appreciated all your help -- there were times  
when I don't know what I would have done without you. A lot of times,  
actually.

> > I... am glad to have been of service.

> I guess there's a reason you like putting it that way, huh.

It's just the truth. It makes me happy to know I've helped, that I've made a difference for the better.

> > > > It's not you that's scary. It's the idea of getting something that has  
only been fantasy for so long.

> > > Do you mean fantasy like... FANTASY? For real?

> > Fantasies do tend to go hand in hand with the sort of feelings we've  
been talking about..

> Well, yeah, but... I suppose I never thought about it like that. That  
YOU might be thinking about it. Like that.

I have. For quite some time, actually.

> > > > Was that an actual joke?

> > > It was! And, even more importantly, you GOT it. You think that means  
there's still a hope of me developing a sense of humor?

> > I'm beginning to think anything is possible.

> Good. That might mean I'm not a lost cause.

You're not. I never have thought you were.

Even when you were doing a quite credible imitation of an idiot.

> > > > It's far more likely that Doyle would decide he wants to be with only  
you than with only me. You're the one he came back for. You're the one  
he died for in the first place. I can't see him giving that up now --  
especially given the circumstances.

> > > I feel like you're not hearing me when I say that Doyle wouldn't be  
with you just because he couldn't have me. It's not like that. I know  
it's not. Would you believe Doyle if HE told you?

> > It isn't that so much as knowing who, if it came down to it, Doyle  
would choose.

> I guess I can't convince you, so maybe we should focus on figuring out  
a way to work this so he won't have to.

That does seem to be the best thing to make the first priority. For Doyle's sake.

At least we have an objective decided on for our meeting.

Wesley

__________

To: Wesley  
From: Angel

Hi, Wes.

> > > That being stipulated, I do believe we were trying to arrange when we  
are going to meet to discuss things in person. I can do so whenever  
you're ready to. Which is all I've been saying.

> > Right. Got it.

> I don't suppose you have an idea of when that will be?

Tomorrow? Which, looking at the clock, would now be today.

If that's okay with you, I mean.

> > *I* think it is. It's necessary for me. That said, if I end up trying  
to make it up to you in a way you don't like, make sure to say.

> If you're determined to do so, then yes, I will let you know if you  
are barking up the wrong tree as it were.

You should always do that. Because I have a tendency to bark up the wrong tree, and a gentle hint's probably not going to cut it.

> > That's... good to know.

> You can't think I was happy with the way things were between us  
lately. Or that I didn't miss the way we used to be.

Well... I would have said I'd hope you'd liked things the way they were, back then. You seemed happy enough. But it's hard to tell (see above, and me barking up the wrong tree) and you know what they say about the whole assuming thing. And it could just as easily have been the whole situation that you liked, and not just me. Or not individually me. Or whatever.

> > > I... am glad to have been of service.

> > I guess there's a reason you like putting it that way, huh.

> It's just the truth. It makes me happy to know I've helped, that I've  
made a difference for the better.

You have, in a lot of ways.

> > > Fantasies do tend to go hand in hand with the sort of feelings we've  
been talking about..

> > Well, yeah, but... I suppose I never thought about it like that. That  
YOU might be thinking about it. Like that.

> I have. For quite some time, actually.

Thinking about that -- thinking about you thinking about that, I guess -- makes me... well. Thanks. The thinking's entirely mutual.

> > > I'm beginning to think anything is possible.

> > Good. That might mean I'm not a lost cause.

> You're not. I never have thought you were.

Even when you were doing a quite credible imitation of an idiot.

Okay, I deserve as much of that as you want to toss in my direction, so I'm not going to  
complain.

> > > It isn't that so much as knowing who, if it came down to it, Doyle  
would choose.

> > I guess I can't convince you, so maybe we should focus on figuring out  
a way to work this so he won't have to.

> That does seem to be the best thing to make the first priority. For  
Doyle's sake.

At least we have an objective decided on for our meeting.

So, later today, right? Get some sleep, and I'll see you later.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Wesley

Hello Angel,

> > I don't suppose you have an idea of when that will be?

> Tomorrow? Which, looking at the clock, would now be today.

If that's okay with you, I mean.

Tomorrow will be good.

> > > *I* think it is. It's necessary for me. That said, if I end up trying  
to make it up to you in a way you don't like, make sure to say.

> > If you're determined to do so, then yes, I will let you know if you  
are barking up the wrong tree as it were.

> You should always do that. Because I have a tendency to bark up the  
wrong tree, and a gentle hint's probably not going to cut it.

I will do my best.

> > You can't think I was happy with the way things were between us  
lately. Or that I didn't miss the way we used to be.

> Well... I would have said I'd hope you'd liked things the way they  
were, back then. You seemed happy enough. But it's hard to tell (see  
above, and me barking up the wrong tree) and you know what they say  
about the whole assuming thing. And it could just as easily have been  
the whole situation that you liked, and not just me. Or not  
individually me. Or whatever.

It was the whole situation as much as anything, but you've always been at the core.

> > > > I... am glad to have been of service.

> > > I guess there's a reason you like putting it that way, huh.

> > It's just the truth. It makes me happy to know I've helped, that I've  
made a difference for the better.

> You have, in a lot of ways.

Thank you.

> > > > Fantasies do tend to go hand in hand with the sort of feelings we've  
been talking about..

> > > Well, yeah, but... I suppose I never thought about it like that. That  
YOU might be thinking about it. Like that.

> > I have. For quite some time, actually.

> Thinking about that -- thinking about you thinking about that, I guess  
\-- makes me... well. Thanks. The thinking's entirely mutual.

That is good to hear.

> > > > I'm beginning to think anything is possible.

> > > Good. That might mean I'm not a lost cause.

> > You're not. I never have thought you were.

Even when you were doing a quite credible imitation of an idiot.

> Okay, I deserve as much of that as you want to toss in my direction, so  
I'm not going to complain.

If you stop randomly acting like an idiot I wouldn't be able to say anything. Think about it as a goal to reach.

> > > > It isn't that so much as knowing who, if it came down to it, Doyle  
would choose.

> > > I guess I can't convince you, so maybe we should focus on figuring out  
a way to work this so he won't have to.

> > That does seem to be the best thing to make the first priority. For  
Doyle's sake.

At least we have an objective decided on for our meeting.

> So, later today, right? Get some sleep, and I'll see you later.

I will. Call when you get back to the city and I'll head over.

Wesley


	36. Chapter 36

Doyle looked down at Angel's hand which had reached out and grabbed the car keys when he pulled them out. "Something I can help you with there?"

"My car pool," Angel said, like he was being reasonable. "I thought I'd drive."

"You mean the car pool of the evil law firm you've abandoned for the last couple of months? The one Wes and I have been running?" All right, that might have been a low blow, Doyle admitted privately, but... It was *his* car.

"You said you were just borrowing it," Angel pointed out.

"Same car I've been borrowing every time I needed wheels." He shrugged. "Feels pretty much like mine by now."

"So you don't want me to drive?" Angel asked.

Doyle raised an eyebrow. "I think the relevant question here would be is there some reason you don't want me to drive? Considering I drove down here and it being my loaner car and all."

"I just thought..." Angel trailed off, sounding like he wasn't sure he wanted to finish.

"Yeah, I know what you thought. I can drive just fine, okay?"

Visibly deflated, Angel handed back the keys. "Okay. Whatever you want."

"Glad we got that cleared up." But Doyle stared at Angel for a moment, not relishing the long drive back with a brooding vampire pouting in the passenger seat. Sighing he put the keys back in Angel's hand. "But since I'm such a magnanimous and generous soul, I'll let you drive this time."

"Are you sure?" Angel looked at him uncertainly. "I mean, if you want to drive, that's okay. Honest."

"Just as long as you remember that," Doyle said with a grin. "Go ahead. You'd fidget too much if I made you ride shotgun."

"Okay." As they got into the car, Angel said, "I guess I should be glad there's a parking garage."

"Yeah, this conversation wouldn't have been the same if I'd been having it with a blanket. Or with a pile of dust if you'd forgotten the blanket." Doyle settled into the passenger seat. "Good thing about the necro tempered glass too."

"Gives the west coast a whole new meaning," Angel agreed. "Well, you know, to a vampire, at least."

"We'll make a Californian sun worshipper out of you yet," Doyle teased.

"Somehow, I don't think so," Angel said, starting the car and then adjusting the seat back at least five or six inches.

"I'd say something about trying to make me feel short, if it wasn't for the fact I'm actually taller now than I was before I died. So I'm used to feeling short."

"I like you this way," Angel said, shooting Doyle a look before glancing back over his shoulder and pulling out of the parking space. "Which isn't to say I didn't like you, you know, before."

"Yeah, I've kinda got that impression."

Doyle smiled, remembering Angel proving how much he liked him before they'd checked out of the hotel. "I like you too."

Angel waited until they were out of the garage and on the street to say, "Wes thinks you're choosing me over him. Or... well, that you would. If you had to choose." He said it like he was worried about what Doyle's answer might be.

Sighing, Doyle leaned back against the headrest, wondering how he suddenly became the secure and confident one. "He's wrong." He turned his head to look at Angel. "I'm not choosing either of you over the other."

Maybe Angel relaxed a little bit at that. Maybe not. "You shouldn't have to choose."

"It's not so much a matter of shouldn't as a matter of can't." He slid a hand over to rest on Angel's on the gear shift. "Not sure if that makes me indecisive or greedy. Maybe both. Don't really care though."

"After what... well. You deserve as much support as we can give you. Both of us." Angel sighed. "I think he's really worried, though."

"I know." Doyle closed his eyes. "But other than trying to keep showing him he doesn't have reason to be, I don't know what I can do to help."

The hum of the engine was almost silent, the radio turned off. "Maybe he'll relax about it once things settle down."

"Maybe." Doyle opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Angel again. "What about you? How you doing with all of this?"

"Okay." It sounded like an automatic response, so he waited until Angel gave a real answer. "I don't know."

"Guess that's better than 'horrible'," Doyle reflected.

"Not horrible," Angel said reassuringly. "Still a little stunned, maybe. I mean, I'm still pretty stunned about..." He reached out and rested his right hand briefly against the small swell of Doyle's abdomen.

Doyle smiled wryly. "Yeah, you and me both. Figure I might get over being stunned about the time the kid's graduating high school."

"That soon?" Angel asked, putting his hand back on the wheel.

"I'm an optimist."

"Yeah, you are." Angel smiled fondly. "It's good to know I didn't wreck that."

"Wreck it?" He shot a look of surprise at the vampire. "If anything you're the one who helped me get it back. You might not have noticed but I wasn't exactly all that together when the Powers first sent me to you."

"Maybe not. But you were together in ways that I wasn't. It was nice to know that there was someone who understood. Had faith in me." Angel glanced at him. "You did, didn't you."

"Yeah." Doyle smiled. "I don't think I ever met a real hero before I met you."

Angel's hands tightened on the wheel, but all he said was, "I just want to do right by you. Everything else comes second to that."

Doyle wondered, not for the first time if Angel would have been quite so chivalric and possessive if he'd been in his own, male body. Course if he had been, there wouldn't have been any pregnancy so the whole situation wouldn't have come up anyway.

It was an impossible situation to figure out what ifs for and Doyle did his best just to not even try, instead accepting things as they were with as little freaking as he could manage.

"As long as you do right by yourself too, I can't complain," he finally replied.

"You're going to have to give me and Wesley some time, I think," Angel said. "To get used to the whole idea. There's a lot of... well, you know. History."

"I know." Doyle glanced briefly over at Angel's profile. "It means a lot just that you're trying."

"We both are. It's not any easier on him than it is on me."

"I know," Doyle said again, feeling more than a twinge of guilt. "I'm putting the two of you through a lot aren't I?"

"Now, I know you haven't been drinking, so I'm not sure what I'm supposed to blame that question on." Angel patted Doyle's thigh. "We both want to be with you. We'll work it out."

"From famine to feast," Doyle muttered, his natural sense of humor quickly reasserting itself. "Try as I can, I can't turn down any of the courses."

Angel was silent for a long minute. "You can, you know," he said finally. "If this isn't what you want -- all me and Wes want is for you to be happy."

Doyle rolled his eyes. "I'm going to make up a tape of me saying, 'I want you. No, really.' and then give both you and Wes copies. Will save my voice having to repeat it over and over."

"I'd probably just drop it on the floor and step on it," Angel said, giving him a strained sort of grin. "I promise I won't do that with the... the baby, though." He still said it with a sense of wonder.

"Didn't think you would, what with your -- " Doyle caught himself before he could say 'experience'; reminding Angel any more than necessary about the too brief time he had Connor was probably not a good idea. "Vampire reflexes and all."

Angel swallowed. "It's okay to talk about him," he said quietly.

"I don't want to hurt you," Doyle said softly.

"It always does," Angel said. "Talking about it doesn't make it worse." There was something in his tone, though, that told Doyle he wasn't quite sure that was true.

Deciding to test the waters a little, Doyle offered, "I'd love to hear more about him." He paused. "But only if you want to tell me."

"He was..." Angel cleared his throat. "He was just this amazing baby. He was so happy."

Doyle felt a pang for Angel and what he lost, stronger now that circumstances that he could more personally relate. "Course he was. He was your son."

"It's weird... when I think back, it's like I hardly had him at all, but then, there are so many little details that I remember. The way he smiled. The way his eyes had these tiny flecks of darker blue in them." Angel was watching the road in front of them determinedly.

"It's not weird," Doyle said softly. "When you love someone you tend to be good at remembering all the little details about them."

"Yeah." Angel continued to watch the road.

Deciding that it was probably time to leave the subject of Connor for a while, Doyle tried to bring the subject to the present and the possibilities they had now. "What do you think this baby's going to look like?"

Angel seemed to consider the question. "I don't know. I guess it depends on where the genetics came from. Although, egg... guess that'd be Cordy."

"Maybe..." Doyle frowned, the thought that the child they were talking about not having any of him bothering him more than he would have predicted.

"You don't want the baby to look like Cordy?" Angel asked. "I mean... you? Technically."

Doyle managed a grin. "A kid can do a lot worse than having Cordelia's genes." He sighed and shrugged. "Guess I just want to see some of me there too."

"There will be," Angel said. "There has to be. Even if it's not physical, it'll be there."

Doyle did his best to believe that. After all, this was all an impossible situation already; why shouldn't they add one more impossible thing to it? "I haven't really thought about this up to now," he said by way of explanation. He gave a small smile. "Still takes some getting used to."

Angel reached over and took his hand. "Yeah, I know the feeling. You okay? You want me to stop?"

"I'm fine." He shook off the worry as best he could and gave Angel his most genuine smile. "Keep going." After all he already knew that it didn't matter if this child carried any Doyle genes or not; it wasn't going to change any of their feelings toward it.

"I love you," Angel said gently. "And I'm going to be here for you. Whatever you need."

Doyle smiled and reached for Angel's hand, doing his best to dismiss his concerns about the baby's genetics as unimportant in the grander scheme of things. "I know. I'm pretty fond of you myself."

"And... it's okay to worry about stuff. And talk about it, if it helps." Angel's voice was soothing.

"That sounds familiar," Doyle teased.

"Yeah, well... sometimes I learn stuff. It just takes a while." Angel grinned at him.

"Since I love you, I won't point out just how long a while it takes."

"You should be grateful that at least one of the things I've learned actually benefits you," Angel said.

"Oh there's lots of things you've learned that benefit me." Doyle gave Angel his best leer.

"I'm trying to drive, here, so I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that," Angel said.

"Two hundred plus years and you can't multitask?" Doyle asked, happy that the conversation was lightening.

"Not when I'm trying to make sure nothing happens to you," Angel said.

That wasn't something Doyle could really argue with. "There goes my plans to amuse myself on the drive back," he said with mock pathos.

"You could tell me how things have been going at the office?" Angel suggested, more like he was trying to be helpful than like he really wanted to know.

"Everything's under control there," Doyle said, not really wanting to go into the minutiae of how he and Wes had divided up the responsibility for maintaining the fiction that Angel was still in charge. They could have asked the others, Gunn and Fred and Lorne to help, but that would involve explaining things that they didn't want to get into. Things like Connor.

Angel nodded. "Good. Do you think..." He hesitated. "Is Wesley going to want me to come back? To the office, I mean."

"Angel, it's your office still."

"But Wes stepped in and took over. With your help, sure, but... well. It seems like asking him to give up a lot all at once."

"Wes stepped in to make it look like you were still there, in spirit if not in body," Doyle said bluntly. "Now that you are here in body as well, lot easier to go with the reality instead of an illusion."

"But... he didn't tell anyone I was gone?" Angel sounded surprised.

Doyle shook his head. "You were, obviously, not in the building, but we didn't tell anyone that you'd ran for the hills."

"I didn't -- " Angel started to deny it, then obviously changed his mind. "Well, yeah, okay, I did. But that still doesn't explain why he didn't... why *you* didn't tell anyone."

"Because the Senior Partners gave the evil law firm to *you*; with everything else happening, we didn't want to see if they were going to get cranky about your temporary abdication."

"What would you have done if it wasn't temporary?" Angel asked.

"Didn't have to figure that out, did we?" Doyle asked, wondering how many times he was going to have to tell Angel that he knew he was coming back.

"No, but... you took a chance, didn't you? The Senior Partners wouldn't have been happy if they'd found out you were covering up the fact that I was gone." Angel sounded frustrated. "What if they'd taken it out on you?"

"They didn't find out," Doyle pointed out in his most reasonable voice.

"What if they -- they don't know about the baby, do they?" Frustration morphed into panic, though Doyle noted that Angel's concentration on the road in front of them didn't waver.

"We haven't been sending them weekly updates or anything, no." Doyle admitted to himself that he didn't want to have the Senior Partners' attention or interest, but he was determined not to borrow trouble. Besides, given the situation, there was a ready made blind already in place. "I think most people who know I'm pregnant think it's Wesley's anyway."

Angel looked more than a little bit stunned at that. "Yeah. Yeah. It's probably better that way."

Doyle quickly added, "Not that I've told them that. Nobody's really asked me one way or the other. They just look around at who I've been spending time with and make the most plausible guess."

"Do a lot of people know?" Angel glanced over at him, his expression hard to figure out.

"That I've got a bun in the oven?" Doyle shook his head. "Medical does, obviously, and your friends -- Fred and Gunn and Lorne. Harmony too -- guess after a bit it's something you vampires can smell? But I haven't been broadcasting it around."

"Maybe... well, talk about with Wesley, but maybe when there's no hiding it anymore, that's what you should tell people. That it's Wesley's."

Doyle gave that suggestion all of five seconds thought. "No."

"It'd be safer," Angel argued. "For you and the baby."

"No." He was going to out-stubborn Angel on this point if nothing else.

"At least talk to Wesley about it," Angel said, like he thought Wesley would be on his side.

"Do I have to explain what 'no' means?" Doyle asked exasperated.

"I know what 'no' means. I just think you're being an idiot," Angel said.

Doyle narrowed his eyes. "There's an idiot in this car, but I wouldn't say it was me."

"It sure as hell is if you won't listen to reason," Angel said.

"This isn't about reason, this is about family," Doyle shot back. "You gave up all claim to your son because it was the only way to keep him safe. I'm not letting you do that again."

"I'll do it again if I have to," Angel said. "And this wouldn't... it wouldn't be the same. It would only be what other people thought."

"No."

"Doyle..."

"It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Wesley either, asking him to pretend something like that. Most of all it's not fair to the baby. She shouldn't have to lie about who her father is."

"You're not -- " Angel paused. "She?"

Doyle blinked. "I did say she didn't I?"

"Yeah. But I thought you didn't know..."

"I don't." He glanced down at himself, and put a hand on his stomach. "Do I?"

Angel hesitated, then reached over and put his hand over Doyle's. It felt strong and comforting. "Maybe you do."

* * * * *

The hotel was dusty, the air stale, when Angel arrived. He found it depressing, actually, and spent no small amount of time propping open doors and trying to make the place seem a little less abandoned. Like this, it was harder not to see the ghosts. Not to remember what it was like to have Connor there, and Cordy, and how, for a while, everything had seemed like it was going to work out.

Not that it had. Obviously.

He tried to remind himself that Cordelia had said this was his chance to get things right. She probably hadn't been counting on Wesley as part of the equation, but Angel was determined to do what he could to make this turn out okay.

He tidied up as best he could, eventually shutting the doors again, and went in search of some glasses. They had to be washed. He'd brought a couple of bottles of liquor with him, thinking that they might need it, and he was just setting the now-clean glasses down next to the brown paper bag on the counter when he heard the front door open.

Wesley came in, dressed in his usual business casual, his expression... well the only word for it was guarded. He looked at Angel, nodded once even in acknowledgment but Angel couldn't tell what he was thinking at all.

He felt a brief pang of loss at that; Wes' face used to be so open, that practically every stray thought was there if you bothered to look.

"Hi," Angel said, staying where he was.

"Hello," Wes replied, crossing the lobby floor to where Angel was standing.

Angel looked down at Wesley's shoes. Nice shoes. "So..."

"So." Wes wasn't being much help.

"You, um... you want to sit down?" Angel asked.

Wes looked like he was going to decline but then wordlessly moved to the office and sat in one of the chairs there.

After a few seconds, Angel chose a chair not too close to Wesley's and sat down, too. "How are you?"

"Good." Wes crossed his arms over his chest.

"You don't want to be here, do you," Angel said.

"Do you?" Wes countered.

"Here in particular? Not that much." Angel sighed. "But I want us to work things out, yeah."

Wesley seemed to relax a little at that. "It's easier in email," he said, as offering an apology.

"Yeah." Angel was glad they could find something to agree on. "We don't have to look at each other." He realized immediately how that sounded. "Not that I don't want to look at you. I like looking at you. I mean -- "

That actually pulled the faintest of smiles from Wesley. "I know what you mean. It's all right."

"Thanks." Angel smiled back tentatively. "So... this shouldn't be too hard, right? I mean, we both want the same thing." Again, he realized too late how stupid he sounded. "We both want Doyle to be happy. And safe."

"Yes. And Doyle seems rather determined to make sure the same of us."

Angel met Wesley's eyes for a second. "You think we can do this?"

"I don't know," Wes said with a raw sounding honesty. "But we have to try."

"We'll figure it out," Angel said. "It might take us a while, but... isn't there some kind of saying about how things that are worth doing aren't easy?"

"Probably more than one," Wes said, smiling faintly again.

"I want stuff to be okay again, with us." It was easier to say than Angel would have guessed. "Better than okay. I miss that."

Wesley closed his eyes briefly and Angel thought he could see the beginnings of cracks in the mask of reserve the other man was wearing. "So do I."

"Any ideas on where to start?" Angel asked. "I had this idea that maybe we could have a few drinks..." Maybe it had been a stupid idea.

Wes considered, then tilted his head to the side as he said, "I've heard worse ideas."

"Does that mean you want one?" Angel got up and went over to the paper bag, pulling out the two bottles he'd bought earlier. "I remembered seeing you drink both of these, but I couldn't remember which was your favorite."

Wesley looked at him for a long moment, did a slow blink, then got up and crossed over to where Angel was standing. "This one," he said softly, touching the bottle Angel was holding in his left hand.

Angel nodded, more than a little overwhelmed by how close Wesley was. "Okay."

"You really noticed what type of scotch I drink?"

"Yeah." Slowly, Angel set the other bottle down and opened the first one, pouring some of the whisky into each of the two glasses and handing a glass to Wesley.

Wes looked down at his glass and the golden liquid in it. "You really aren't just here because Doyle asked you to talk to me, are you?"

"No," Angel said gently. He wanted to say more, to be reassuring, but he wasn't sure how to go about it.

"That's... encouraging to hear."

Still, Wesley looked uncertain, so Angel suggested, "You want to sit down again? Or we could go somewhere else?"

Wesley seemed to consider for a minute, then nodded back to the office. "Might as well sit back down again."

"Okay." Angel hated this -- hated feeling awkward, not knowing what to say. He trailed after Wesley, sitting back down in the chair he'd abandoned a minute before, and sighed. "So... I guess we should talk."

"Yes." Wesley gave him another of those faint smiles. "As difficult as it seems to be to start."

"I'm not sure what we're supposed to say," Angel agreed. He took a huge swallow of whisky and sighed again.

"That would make two of us." Wes looked down at his drink and then offered, "We could start with the email, what we were discussing there?"

"About... you and me?" Angel asked it tentatively.

Wesley gave a short nod.

"Do you... did you change your mind? About that part of it?" He couldn't be sure, not considering how Wesley was acting.

"No," Wes said sharply, looking up and meeting Angel's eye for a second before looking away again. "I haven't changed my mind," he said more softly.

"Okay," Angel said. "That's... good. I'm glad." It was easier to study Wesley's face when Wes wasn't looking at him, to note the little lines around his eyes that probably meant he'd had a long night without much sleep. "I haven't changed mine, either."

That brought another ghost of a smile, there and gone so quickly Angel almost missed it. "I suppose that's a place to start then."

"Yeah, but what else is there to say? That kind of says it all." Rather glumly, Angel looked down at his glass. "Maybe we need to drink more."

"I'm not sure that that will be much help." Nonetheless Wesley tossed his drink back in one swallow.

"I'll get the bottle," Angel said, and did so. He came back with it and dragged his chair closer to Wesley's, offering him the bottle of scotch.

"Thanks." Wesley poured himself another glass, then handed the bottle back. "This shouldn't be this difficult, should it? We both want things the way they used to be, we both have feelings for the other... shouldn't that make it easier?"

"It's the talking about it that trips me up," Angel admitted, pouring more whisky into his own glass and drinking it. The warmth as the alcohol settled into his stomach did relax him, at least. "Maybe we should have done this with Doyle here."

"He'd be rolling his eyes at both of us, I suspect."

Angel nodded. "Probably. It's so easy for him. Well, the talking part is." He felt a familiar wave of guilt, remembering how upset Doyle had been when he'd first left.

"Doyle definitely has the gift of the gab," Wesley agreed. "I would say it was an Irish thing, what with the Blarney Stone and all, if you weren't Irish as well."

"I think it's just a Doyle thing. He's unique that way." Angel looked at Wesley. "It's okay for you to be mad at me for leaving him the way I did. You have a right to be."

"Thank you for your permission although I wasn't aware I needed it for my own feelings." Wesley's voice grew sharper. "And mad may be too mild a term for what I felt."

Angel slouched a little bit in his chair. "I didn't mean... I didn't mean that you needed permission. I just... I wanted you to know that I understand."

"You hurt him," Wesley said bluntly.

"I know," Angel said. "And trust me, there's no way you could possibly hate me as much as I hate myself for doing that. I won't do it again."

Wesley was silent for a long moment, then said quietly, "I don't hate you."

"Well, at least that's one of us," Angel said. He drank the whisky in his glass all at once and leaned back, closing his eyes. "You probably should, though."

"It would probably make things easier," Wes agreed, then sighed. "But nothing's ever been easy in my life."

"I'm sorry," Angel said. He was only apologizing for himself, really, but he was sorry. "I know you said... but I am."

"I believe you. And if Doyle can forgive you, I suppose it would be very small-minded of me not to do the same."

"I want to make it up to you," Angel said, pouring himself another drink and setting the bottle down on the floor between them.

Wesley spread his arms in an 'I'm game' gesture. "How?"

"I don't know," Angel admitted sheepishly. "I was hoping you might have some ideas."

"Other than taking care of Doyle?" Wesley shook his head. "Nothing comes to mind."

"I want to take care of you, too," Angel said. "Isn't that... isn't that what this is about?"

"Is it?" It seemed like an honest question.

"Yeah," Angel said. He looked at Wesley, waiting for Wes to meet his eyes. "Yeah, it is."

Wes met his gaze and didn't look away. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it without any words passing his lips.

Angel thought for a second, then reached out grabbed onto Wesley's chair, sliding it across the floor until it hitched up against the side of his own. He leaned closer to Wes, still watching his face, a confusing mixture of emotions swirling through him. "I want to take care of you," Angel said again, his voice husky.

He watched as Wesley's tongue darted out and licked at his lips nervously. "Angel-"

"Shh," Angel said, and, hoping that he wasn't making a mistake, he leaned in the rest of the way and kissed Wesley gently.

For long seconds Angel though he had made a mistake because Wesley wasn't responding, but then with a small sound, Wesley began kissing him back.

Angel rested his hand on Wes' knee, concentrating on being as unthreatening as possible even as he got distracted by the taste and feel of Wesley's mouth. He kept the kiss gentle, slow.

Wesley finally pulled back, looking at him with his feelings clearly visible in his eyes. "That does cut right to it, doesn't it?"

"It's easier without all those words," Angel said, taking another chance and moving his hand up to cup the side of Wesley's face.

"It is," Wesley agreed, leaning in to kiss him again.

Angel hadn't realized how hungry he was for more contact with Wesley until just then. He couldn't help but run his other hand along Wesley's side, feeling the warmth of him under his cotton shirt, couldn't help but lengthen the kiss as long as Wes would let him get away with it.

Wesley was touching him as well, one hand sliding up into Angel's hair, the other resting on Angel's arm as they continued to kiss.

"If this isn't -- " Angel tried to start, at one point, but lost track of what it was he'd been about to say. It wasn't until half a minute later that he remembered, "This only goes as far as you want it to. If... you have to say."

"It only goes as far as we both want it," Wesley corrected him.

Angel was already kissing Wesley again, so he just nodded, not really agreeing so much as wanting to placate, because he didn't want to stop. He wanted to strip off all their clothes and taste every inch of Wes' body, to hear Wes cry out as he came.

Wesley wasn't doing anything that would discourage such thoughts; his hands were now moving over Angel's torso in light touches he almost couldn't feel through his shirt, and the kiss was turning far more teasing, tantalizing.

Angel groaned softly in frustration and pulled Wesley out of the chair and into his lap. "This okay?" he asked, although Wes hadn't given any indication that it wasn't.

"I've no complaints," Wesley replied, diving back into the kiss again, his nimble fingers beginning to undo the buttons of Angel's shirt.

That was when Angel decided that he had to trust Wes to stop him if it was necessary, and when he stopped being quite so careful. He started to unbutton Wes' shirt at the same time Wes finished undoing his, warm hands against his skin making him gasp. "Wesley."

"Angel," Wesley breathed barely audible in reply, permission of sorts, and even more than that an invitation.

He pulled Wes in closer, inhaled the scent of his bare skin before pressing an almost reverent kiss to his chest. He slid a hand around to the small of Wes' back, underneath his shirt, holding Wesley still as he explored one nipple with lips and tongue.

Wesley's breath caught at that, his hands tightening their grip on Angel's shoulders.

"I want to make you feel good," Angel murmured, tracing a damp circle on Wesley's skin and sliding his hand slowly up Wes' inner thigh.

"You're off to an excellent start," Wes told him, shifting slightly under his touch.

"Tell me what you like." Angel slid his hand a bit higher.

Instead of answering, Wesley asked, "What do you like?" as he slid his fingers along Angel's flesh revealed by his open shirt.

"You're not supposed to answer a question with a question," Angel said. He moved his hand up to cup Wesley's erection and rubbed his thumb over the head. "I want to feel you come. Taste you." He wanted to do a lot more than that.

A tiny shiver went through Wes at Angel's words that Angel only felt because they were pressed together. "I think that could possibly fall under what I would like too."

Angel licked his lips and pulled Wesley down for another kiss, more awkward now because of their position. Then, "Here, stand up," he urged, moving Wes bodily until he was standing in front of Angel's chair. Slowly, Angel undid the front of Wes' trousers.

Wesley shifted until he was leaning back against the desk behind him. "This may have been something I've fantasized about," he said almost conversationally.

Angel slid Wesley's slacks and boxers down over his hips and licked his shaft, smiling as Wesley made a little choked sound. "Tell me."

"I... uh..." Wesley faltered as Angel licked again. "Just this. You, me, this office."

"Me doing this?" Angel asked, fondling Wes' balls and listening as his heartbeat quickened.

Wesley's eyes were drifting closed. "Yes."

It had been a long time since Angel had sucked another man's cock, but he was more than eager to taste Wesley's. He slid his lips down over the shaft, careful to be gentle, letting Wes' heat warm the inside of his mouth.

Wesley shifted very slightly under Angel's attentions, spreading his legs wider and pushing up into Angel's mouth; his fingers gripped the edge of the desk in a white knuckled grip.

That simple, subtle sign of Wesley's arousal made Angel want more. Not needing to breathe, he took Wesley in all the way, massaging his cock with lips and tongue, sliding both hands around to grip the strong muscles in Wesley's ass and encourage him to fuck his mouth.

"Oh dear lord," Wesley groaned as he took the wordless encouragement and began moving as Angel wanted him to.

That was what he wanted -- Wes thrusting into his willing mouth, Wes' hot, living cock between his lips. Angel moaned softly and sucked harder, anxious to feel Wes come.

He could tell Wes was close by the increasing raggedness of his movements and the small, desperate sounds that he was making almost under his breath. Just a little bit more and...

Wesley was close to silent when he came, his hand clutching Angel's shoulder as his body convulsed. Angel let the taste of Wesley linger on his tongue before swallowing, coaxing one and then two last shudders from Wes.

As Wes relaxed, he let go of his grip on Angel's shoulder, instead sliding his hand up to cup Angel's cheek.

Angel drew back slightly and looked up at Wes. "That the kind of thing you were thinking of?"

"It's a fairly close approximation, yes," Wes replied, his voice still husky.

Standing up, Angel kissed Wes again, letting his hands roam over bare skin where they could. "I have some other ideas we could try out. If you wanted."

"I could probably be persuaded." Wesley's hands were exploring him in light random touches. "Perhaps even add some ideas of my own."

"Oh yeah?" Angel picked Wes up and sat him on the edge of the desk, divesting him of the rest of his clothes while he had the opportunity.

"Yes. Such as you undressing as well for one thing."

"We can do that." Angel quickly pulled off his own shirt, letting it drop to the floor, then held his arms out at his sides. "You want to do the next part?"

Wes gave him a predatory smile as he ran his hands down Angel's now bare chest and then slowly began undoing his pants.

Angel closed his eyes briefly when Wes' hand brushed against his erection, but he opened them again because he wanted to be able to see Wes.

His pants were soon pushed down and he stepped out of them. "Much better," Wes declared, running both his gaze and hands over Angel's body.

"Yeah," Angel agreed, somehow not at all surprised to find out how good Wesley's touch felt. "God, this is..." He suddenly realized that they were naked in the office, and worried that Wes might have preferred something else. Somewhere else. "Is this okay?"

Wesley raised an eyebrow at him. "Is there some reason it wouldn't be?"

"Because this is..." Angel gestured at the room. "You should be someplace nicer."

Wesley looked around the room and then back at Angel. "I think," he said slowly, sliding his hands down Angel's chest, "that this is the perfect place for us to..."

"To what?" Angel whispered after a few seconds, closing his eyes again as Wesley's hands slid lower.

"To do what we're doing." Wes' hand skimmed over Angel's abdomen then closed around his cock.

"God," Angel said, pushing eagerly into Wes' touch.

"So do you still have a problem with the location?" Wes asked as he tightened his grip.

"Problem?" Angel echoed faintly. "No. No problem." He reconsidered. "Well, other than the fact that I'm not fucking you yet. Which I'd really... like to do."

He could hear Wesley's heart speed up at that. "That could be arranged."

Angel kissed Wesley. "I thought about this sometimes," he murmured. "Fucking you right here in the office."

"We both seemed to have done quite a lot of thinking when we could have been acting," Wesley observed, continuing to stroke Angel.

"The time wasn't... right." Angel moaned softly to let Wes know what an incredible touch he had. "It was... God, I don't want to hurt you. Never again. We shouldn't..."

Wesley's hand stopped moving. "We shouldn't what?"

"Don't stop," Angel begged. "I just meant we shouldn't hurt each other."

"Oh." The sudden defensiveness that had snuck into Wesley's expression vanished and his hand started moving again. "That I can agree with."

"Good," Angel said, tightening his arm around Wesley's waist. "Because you've got me in kind of a vulnerable position here."

"I have noticed that," Wes said with a wicked grin.

"Oh yeah? You planning on taking advantage of me?"

Wesley tilted his head to the side thoughtfully. "Technically, I think it would be defined as letting you take advantage of me... if we're still talking about shagging on the desk?"

"I hoped we were," Angel said, running his hand down along Wes' spine to his ass.

Wes shifted and pushed back into Angel's hand. "Far be it for me to dash your hopes."

Angel caught Wes' lips with his own and kissed him thoroughly, drawing it out as long as he could. Which turned out to be a pretty long time. "God, I want you."

"Want you too." The words were almost breathless as Wesley immediately dove back into the kiss.

"I don't suppose," Angel said, between kisses, "that you have any lube? Because... wasn't expecting this."

"Neither was I," Wesley muttered. He pulled back and looked around. "There's got to be something we can use around here..."

Angel went around to the other side of the desk and started opening drawers, noting the thin layer of dust on the wooden surface. "Pens, paper clips..." He opened another drawer.

In the second drawer, he found dusty folders that hadn't been refiled, a legal pad covered in what looked like some translation work that Wesley had done at sometime in the past, and a tube of hand cream.

"What about this?" he asked, holding it up so Wes could see.

Wes peered at it. "Cordelia's isn't it? I suppose considering the circumstances we can make do with it."

"Considering the circumstances," Angel echoed, wondering what Cordelia thought of all of this. What if they were doing the wrong thing?

Wesley frowned as he watched Angel. "We don't have to use it -- or even go through with this if you'd-"

"No," Angel said, shutting the drawer and going back over to Wesley. "No, I want to. Unless you...?"

"I wouldn't be sitting naked on my old desk if I didn't," Wesley pointed out logically.

Angel smiled. "No, but that doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Any time." Still, he couldn't resist touching Wes, stroking one hand gently along his bare hip and marveling at the warmth of his skin.

"I won't."

That was reassuring. "Okay," Angel said. He set the hand cream down next to Wesley and leaned in until their mouths were almost touching. "No more interruptions."

"Don't tempt fate," Wesley replied, then closed the distance and kissed Angel hard enough to take away his nonexistent breath.

With both hands on Wesley's hips, Angel kissed back, forcing Wes' mouth open with his own so he could taste the inside. Their teeth clashed and Angel moaned, frustrated by needing to be gentle.

But one of Wesley's hands came up to clasp the back of Angel's neck, holding him in place as he kissed him back with just as much force. Enough force that Wesley's lip got cut and Angel could taste his blood as it mingled into their kiss.

That was enough to make him care a little bit less about control. He grabbed up the hand cream and, one-handed, managed to squeeze some onto his fingers. Most of it went onto the desk, but Angel didn't care. Pulling back far enough to get his hand between them, he teased at Wes' entrance with a slick finger, kissing him all the while.

A low moan rumbled up from deep in Wesley's chest, but all he did was kiss Angel even harder.

"Can't wait to get inside you," Angel muttered, his finger pushing inside slowly, the last of his patience saved for this, so as not to hurt Wes.

He could feel Wes reacting, tiny shivers going up his spine. Wes finally pulled away from the kiss with a gasp. "More," he demanded, his eyes dark with want.

Angel growled and licked at Wes' gashed lip, tasting the salt and heat of his blood. He slid his finger deeper, rubbing against the small swollen spot inside Wes that made Wes gasp and jerk, then pulled out and added another finger.

"More," Wes said again, his hands sliding over Angel's chest in a light almost ticklish touch that was exact the opposite of their almost brutal kiss of seconds before.

Without hesitation, Angel slid his fingers out and lined up his cock, shoving inside Wes' tight, hot body and immediately starting to fuck him, letting their bodies find the right rhythm.

Wes had let out a sound halfway between Angel's name and a wordless moan when Angel first pushed into him, his whole body arching in reaction. He moved as much as he could with Angel as they instinctively sought their rhythm, words like "yes" and "good" and "harder" hidden in gasping breaths.

Angel growled and obliged, thrusting even more fiercely. The desk shifted and slid a couple of inches across the floor, and Wesley grabbed onto the edge of it with one hand while his other clutched at Angel's ass, urging him on.

Through it all, Wes' eyes were open and never left Angel's face.

"Good," Angel said, watching Wesley's face just as intently as they moved together. "Good. God, you're good."

That pulled a surprised laugh out of Wesley, the sound all husky and breathless. "Not so bad... yourself," he replied, the laughter seeming to continue to bubble up.

There was something slightly unbalanced about this, Angel knew, but he wasn't sure he cared. Wes wanted him, was moaning and meeting every thrust, and Angel could feel Wes' cock, hard again, between them. "Didn't know it was... Wes, God..."

"I'd imagined but..." Wesley broke off with another short laugh that turned into a moan. "God, whatever you do, don't stop."

"Don't want to," Angel agreed, although he did slow down a little bit because he wanted to draw this out as long as possible. "Want to... do this all night."

"Luckily... I've cleared my... schedule."

Angel pushed forward again, feeling Wes' body clench around him. "Good." He wanted to say more, but he also wanted to kiss Wesley again, so he decided to go with that instead.

Seemed like a good decision because Wesley kissed him hungrily, like he wouldn't be happy until he devoured him whole.

Reaching down between them, Angel closed his hand around Wes' cock and held it, not really stroking it, just feeling its warmth and liking the way his touch drew a little breathless gasp from Wesley. He could still taste a hint of blood in Wes' mouth, and that made him move faster.

He could feel every bit of Wesley's reactions, the way his heartbeat was racing, the way his muscles clenched around Angel's cock as he held onto him with a growing desperation. Angel's hips snapped forward and the desk slid another couple of inches, wood scraping across tile. He tightened his hand around Wes' cock, trying to simulate what he was feeling, himself, and groaned when Wes did.

They moved together, the pleasure seeming to build between them, Angel's attention narrowing until Wesley was the only thing he saw, heard, felt. Wesley was his world.

There were words he wanted to say, in that moment, but he wasn't ready. It was a convenient excuse that they were both too wrapped up in the physical to need words those words. "I'm not... going to be able to do this as long as I want to," Angel gasped, his free hand splayed across Wes' lower back.

Wes gasped out another laugh. "You're not... the only one."

Angel withdrew and thrust forward again, the motion of their bodies giving Wes a fair amount of stimulation without any real effort. "Come on," he urged. "Want to... feel you."

His entire body tensing under Angel's attention, Wesley groaned, his hands closing on Angel's shoulders in a viselike grip. "Angel..." he gasped and Angel could tell he was right on the edge.

"That's it," Angel coaxed, moving just a little more slowly and forcefully, each thrust deep, his grip on Wesley's cock firm. "Come for me, Wes."

Wes shook, with the effort of letting go or trying to hold on, Angel wasn't sure, but damn if it wasn't dead sexy. Then Wesley was coming, his pleasure pouring out of him in a wordless yell.

Angel jerked himself forward a few more times as Wes' hot release slicked his hand and Wes' tight body contracting around him made him groan. "God, Wes, so good..." He came, too, pressing his mouth to Wes' shoulder to stifle the sounds.

For a long moment afterwards there was silence save for Wesley's breathing slowly returning to normal. Neither of them seemed eager to say anything, seeming content to just wallow in the afterglow.

Angel stroked his hand slowly along Wes' spine, up and down over the same six inches of skin, and kissed his shoulder softly. "You okay?"

Wesley nodded. "Fine. You?"

"Fine. More than fine." Angel gave a small sigh of pleasure.

Wesley chuckled. "Do you think this is what Doyle had in mind when he encouraged us to talk things out?"

"I think he was hoping we'd get here eventually," Angel said. "But somehow I don't think he thought it'd be this soon." He cupped Wes' face in his hand, brushing his thumb lightly over the split lip.

"It's been years in coming," Wes said, his mouth quirking up into a wry smile under Angel's touch.

"Yeah. Yeah, it has." Pulling back, Angel looked around. "You want to get dressed? Or we could go upstairs..."

"I.. Which would you prefer?"

"I'd prefer to know what you want to do," Angel said. He leaned in and kissed Wes slowly.

Wesley kissed him back, drawing it out even more. "I'd prefer... we still need to talk, although I think we're much more likely to be productive doing so."

"I'm not sure we could be less productive," Angel pointed out. "There's still a bed upstairs, you know." It might not be in the most pristine condition, but hey.

"I'm getting the impression that what you prefer is that we go upstairs."

"No," Angel said, trying to be patient. "If you want to get dressed and stay down here, that's fine with me. But you have to say. I'm a vampire, not a psychic."

"Yes, I have noticed that," Wesley said with a faint smile, reaching up and running a finger along Angel's lips, pausing where his fangs would lie if he was in game face. "I can talk in either place. I'm just trying to figure out which would be more... comfortable for you."

Angel frowned, confused. "Is that a euphemism for something I'm not getting?"

Wesley's smile widened. "Only in the way I mean emotional comfort. As physically I'm sure the bed would be the most comfortable."

"Let's do that, then," Angel said. "I want you to be comfortable."

Wesley looked like he was about to say something but then simply nodded his head. "All right."

Backing up, Angel looked around for Wes' clothes and retrieved them, handing them over. "Do you not want to go upstairs?" he asked, feeling like the conversation was going in circles.

"Going upstairs is fine," Wesley assured him, with just a hint of amused tolerance which had been often present in the past between them, but not so much lately.

"Okay," Angel agreed. They both got half-dressed, and, carrying the rest of their clothes, they started out into the lobby. "I thought this was supposed to make talking easier," he said.

Wesley considered. "It's made communication easier," he pointed out. "Even if that's not always talking."

"I like that kind of communicating better," Angel said. "The not-talking kind."

"A man of action," Wesley teased gently. "I had noticed."

They reached the top of the staircase. "Hey, you've got to cater to your strengths."

"One can carry the strong silent type too far," Wesley pointed out.

"It's not that I don't want to," Angel said. "I'm just no good at it."

"Judging by results, it's not exactly my strong suit either."

"Good. At least that means there's someone who understands." Angel pushed the door to his old suite open and went in. "If I'd thought we were going to be using it, I would have had someone in to clean," he said ruefully.

"You mean when you were on the run?" Wesley asked with a raised eyebrow, but no real heat.

"It was less running and more hiding," Angel said.

"And that makes it more like you'd be hiring hotel cleaners?" Wesley idly ran a hand along the counter in the kitchenette.

"No." Luckily, the bedspread had been pulled up over the bed, so Angel was able to strip it off, leaving an otherwise clean bed. "C'mere."

Wesley hesitated. "Are you sure? You and Doyle used to..."

"Come here." Angel said it gently.

This time Wesley obeyed, crossing the room to him.

Angel took the clothes that Wesley was holding, set them on the end of the bed with his own, and kissed him. "I have this theory," he said, "that maybe we'd talk better if I was holding you."

"An interesting theory." Wesley slid his arms around Angel's waist.

"We could give it a try," Angel said. "It could be argued that we have nothing to lose."

Wesley leaned against him. "I don't know about that. I think, in spite of everything, we both seemed to have retained and acquired quite a lot to lose."

"That wasn't what I meant." Angel stroked a hand down Wes' back. "But yeah, we have." Whenever he thought about it, he ended up feeling amazed.

"Now all we have to do is find a way to make it work."

"We will," Angel said, although he really had no idea how.

Wesley smiled. "Doyle's optimism rubbing off on you?"

"I hope so." Angel looked at Wes thoughtfully. "You want to lie down?" He suspected he sounded about as eager as he was.

"That would be the logical thing to do, considering we came up here to use the bed." Wesley was still smiling.

Angel found himself smiling, too. "Okay. Come on." He pulled down the sheets and held them out, gesturing for Wes to get into bed.

Wesley paused long enough to undress down to the skin again before getting into bed and giving Angel a look that was somewhere between come hither and a challenge.

That was the kind of challenge Angel was well up to -- he let his own slacks fall to the floor before getting into bed, pulling Wes into his arms without asking if it was okay.

Wesley sighed and relaxed against Angel's body. "I should by all rights still be angry with you," he said in a conversational tone.

"It's okay if you are," Angel told him, feeling his body reacting to having Wes so close.

"I'm not," Wesley said, fingers sliding lightly over Angel's skin. "I may be again later, but..."

"But what?" Angel asked softly, when Wes didn't finish.

"I don't want to be angry. Not anymore."

"Yeah. I know." Angel still tried not to think about Connor, and Wes taking him, and everything that had followed, but he wasn't sure it was because he was worried about being angry. More that he was worried about the despair, threatening to swallow him whole.

"Everything's so... complicated." Wesley shook his head. "Things used to be simple. Although, I suppose I thought they were complicated back then as well."

"It doesn't get a hell of a lot more complicated than this," Angel agreed. "Although this -- us -- proves that we're maybe one step closer to figuring it out."

"I suppose it does." Wesley was silent for a moment, still idly caressing Angel's skin. "This is certainly not what I imagined happening when you came back, you know."

Angel rubbed his jaw against Wesley's hair. "What did you think would happen?"

"Not this. I suppose the very best I'd imagined was some kind of uneasy truce between us for Doyle's sake and at his insistence."

"It might not stay like this," Angel said. "Seeing him with you... I don't think it's going to be easy. For you, either."

"Or for him," Wesley pointed out. "Now that we've..." He gestured down at them lying naked in bed. "I know this is what Doyle has been pushing for, but still..."

Angel hadn't thought of that. "You think he's underestimating how he's going to feel about the two of us together?"

"I think there's a high probability he is," Wesley said seriously.

"Great," Angel said, rubbing his hand over his face. "That's the last thing we need."

"You won't get an argument from me. That would be the problem inherent in a.. triangle such as this. Someone is always going to be the third wheel, almost by definition."

"So what do we do? Concentrate on him, when the three of us are together, so he doesn't have to think about it?"

Wesley tilted his head to the side as he considered. "I think it may be something we just have to deal with as it comes up. Each of us."

Angel gave a mock-groan. "That means more talking, doesn't it. Can't we just let Doyle do that part?" He was mostly joking.

"It doesn't necessarily mean talking. This may be the kind of situation where you should just play to your strengths." Wesley deliberately ran a hand down Angel's chest suggestively.

"You mean distract him?" Angel asked, pulling Wes closer with one hand on the back of his thigh.

"I think," Wesley began slowly, "that whichever one of us is feeling... third wheelish, the other two should reassure him he's not. In whichever way is most convincing."

"Any suggestions on what works to convince you?" Angel rolled over on top of Wes, pinning him to the mattress.

Wesley smiled faintly at him. "As I said, play to your strengths."

"You're not a third wheel here, Wesley," Angel said seriously, their noses almost touching. "This is... I want this. With you."

Wesley sighed and ran a hand through Angel's hair. "It's a good thing that Doyle's too good natured to get very smug when he's right about something because otherwise he'd be unbearable after this."

Moving his body against Wesley's, Angel nodded. "We should listen to him more often. Trust what he says."

"He is racking up a rather impressive track record of knowing what he's talking about," Wesley agreed.

"I'm glad he was right about this," Angel said, his voice soft. Wes' body felt incredible under his, like something he'd been missing without realizing it.

He watched as Wesley's eyes went soft and dark at that. "So am I," he replied, kissing Angel with all the emotion in him.

* * * * *

Wesley did his best to walk normally as he neared the apartment, just in case Doyle was watching out for him. His evening with Angel had been remarkable -- well beyond anything he'd expected -- but he had no idea how to explain it to Doyle, or what to anticipate Doyle's reaction might be.

The door opened just as he got to it; it seemed like Dennis at least had been watching.

Stepping inside, Wesley blinked at the light. "Doyle? I'm back."

Doyle was sitting on the couch, curled up with a book. "Hey," he said with a smile, as he got up and came over to kiss him.

"Hi," Wesley said, stroking the side of Doyle's face gently. "How are you?"

"I'm good." He gave Wesley a look. "The question is though how are you? The meeting with Angel go okay?"

"Yes, fine." Still undecided about how to approach the issue, Wesley pulled back and moved back to the door to take off his shoes.

"Is that a 'Yes, fine, no one ended up dusted' or a 'Yes, fine, Angel and I are friends again'?"

Wesley looked up at Doyle through the space between them. "Both."

Doyle was looking closely at him and frowning slightly. "Okay, spill. What is it you're not telling me?"

Swallowing and telling himself sternly to stop being such a coward, Wesley said, "Angel and I were... intimate."

Doyle stared at him, blinking slowly.

"It was the last thing I expected to have happen," Wesley explained. "It just did."

"Wow." Doyle shook his head. "I was thinking it was going to take you two at least another month of prodding to get to that point."

"You aren't upset?" It wasn't so much that Wesley had thought Doyle would be upset -- but there'd been part of him that had been concerned, certainly. He went to Doyle, putting both arms around him.

Doyle smiled. "You sound disappointed that I'm not."

"No, of course not. I didn't want you to be upset." Wesley sighed and held Doyle more tightly, relieved.

"I could pretend I am if you wanted," Doyle offered helpfully.

"Do you know what I'd really like?" Wesley asked.

"What?"

"To take a very long, very hot shower and then curl up in bed with you in my arms." Wesley was bone-tired physically and emotionally exhausted as well.

Doyle kissed him gently. "I think that can be arranged."

"Have you eaten?" Wesley asked.

"Yes, mum," Doyle said with a good natured roll of the eyes. He pulled away, but kept hold of Wesley's hands to pull him towards the bathroom.

"Sorry," Wesley said, contrite. "I may be more than a bit brain-addled at the moment."

"Yeah, Angel will do that to you." Once in the bathroom, Doyle started undressing him.

Wesley allowed him to do it, making only the slightest attempts to be helpful. "I really had no idea that was going to happen."

"Was it good?"

"God, yes," Wesley said, with a great deal more emphasis than he ought to have allowed.

Doyle chuckled. "A couple of centuries of experience does count for something doesn't it?"

"So it would seem." Finally managing to do more than stand there, Wesley stepped out of his trousers, wincing slightly as his body protested.

"A bit too much enthusiasm earlier?" Doyle asked sympathetically, running a hand lightly down Wesley's flank.

Wesley nodded, watching as Doyle started the shower for him. "It's been... rather a long time."

"I remember what that's like." Doyle made a face. "And I bet that sounds weird coming from this body."

Any other time, Wesley might have pursued that topic of conversation further. "No, it doesn't sound weird," he said reassuringly. "At least, not very. Considering."

"Yeah, weird is pretty much the norm any more." Doyle eyed him affectionately and with perhaps a bit of prurient interest. "Need someone to wash your back?"

"I don't suppose there's any chance I could convince you to make me some tea?" Wesley asked. He rubbed a hand over his face. "Sorry, that was absurdly transparent, wasn't it. I love you, but there isn't an inch of me that doesn't ache just now."

Doyle immediately became even more sympathetic. "Go soak your muscles, I'll make you some tea and then when you're done in here, give you a rubdown." He held up a hand. "No ulterior motives. Promise."

"Thank you," Wesley said gratefully. Doyle went off to the kitchen and he got into the shower. He stood under the hot water until it began to go tepid, not making any real effort to wash himself, just letting the spray rinse over him.

When he finally stepped out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, he found Doyle had lit candles all around the bedroom and had turned down the bed. A mug of tea was sitting on the bedside table and Doyle himself was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for him.

"Thank you for being so understanding," Wesley said. He went over and sat down beside Doyle, tightening his jaw as the ache intensified.

"You've been taking care of me for months now." Doyle smiled. "About time I got a chance to repay the favor."

Now that he was clean and a bit more relaxed, Wesley didn't care about the tea anymore. "Lie down with me? Please."

"Sure," Doyle said softly, and a few minutes later found Wesley wrapped in warm blankets and a warmer lover.

Wesley felt as if he'd been away a good deal longer than he had, and he was at a loss for what to say, so he just held Doyle, comforting himself with Doyle's familiar scent and touch.

"It's all right," Doyle told him, with that equally familiar crooked grin. "Really. I promise."

"I know," Wesley said.

"Do you?" The look Doyle gave him was serious but still full of affection. "Because you're acting like you're still worried about it."

"Not worried so much as... unsettled," Wesley said. He knew that, by all appearances, things seemed to be working out very well, but that didn't change the fact that things were also extremely complicated.

"Ah." Doyle nodded knowingly. "Waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome. I know it well."

"Tell me it's not going to drop," Wesley said, sliding down in the bed until he and Doyle were face to face. "Tell me it's all going to be all right."

Doyle laid a hand against Wesley's cheek. "I'm not planning on dropping it. And if it does drop regardless, we'll just pick it right back up again." He smiled. "It's going to be all right because we won't let it not be."

"I don't want to lose you," Wesley said. He searched Doyle's eyes, one hand moving down to rest on Doyle's abdomen. "Either of you."

"That's good because I don't want to be lost." Turning more serious, Doyle promised, "I'm not going anywhere."

If Wesley had been able to be aroused again, he'd have liked to have taken Doyle right then, to re-stake his claim, as it were. But Angel had worn him out too thoroughly for that. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"For both you and Angel to be happy with me and with each other?" Doyle kissed him. "Pretty sure, yeah."

"I want that, too," Wesley said, pulling Doyle closer, fitting their bodies together.

"Good. Pretty sure it's what Angel wants too. Well the you and me being happy bit, we're still working on him wanting himself to be happy, but I think we're making progress."

"It's not easy for him," Wesley said, almost surprised to hear himself defending Angel.

"I know," Doyle said softly. "Good thing he has us to help him then, isn't it?"

"Yes." Wesley kissed Doyle affectionately. "But I'm just as lucky to have you as he is."

"I can't believe how lucky I am to have the two of you," Doyle replied. "I'd say I'd died and gone to heaven, but that might be a bit too close to the truth."

"You've died one too many times already," Wesley said. "I won't allow it to happen again." If sheer will had any power at all, he felt sure that Doyle would be safe.

Doyle kissed him again. "Like I said, I'm really lucky."

Wesley sighed and ran a hand through Doyle's hair, which had grown a bit since his original haircut. "You know I'd do anything for you?"

"Yeah, I got that message. You know it's mutual right?"

"I just need you. Nothing else." Of course, it wasn't that simple anymore.

Doyle smiled, a bit sadly, a bit knowingly. "It's going to take some time to get used to how things can be now. For all of us."

"How do we do this?" Wesley asked. "Should we be... should he be here? Now?" It seemed wrong somehow that Angel was alone, although to be honest Wesley didn't think he'd be all that comfortable with the three of them in the same bed just then either.

Doyle seemed to consider then shook his head. "Not yet, I don't think. Not tonight."

"No?" Wesley relaxed. "Not that I feel particularly inclined to share you."

"That's why." Doyle kissed him again, this time a bit longer, a bit more possessive. "One step at a time. And you and Angel already did about what I was figuring was five or six steps."

"It just happened," Wesley said, trying not to sound defensive. "I think he was as surprised as I was."

"That wasn't a criticism," Doyle was quick to assure him. "Just the opposite really; makes me believe this will really work and it's not just me being..."

"Being what?" Wesley asked gently.

"Unrealistic? Greedy? Wanting my cake and eating it too?" Doyle shrugged.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting both of us," Wesley said, hoping he sounded convincing. "You deserve to have everything you want."

"Only if it's what all three of us want. I don't want you or Angel sacrificing for me."

"Being with you is hardly a sacrifice," Wesley said.

Doyle kissed him. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Everything about you." Wesley yawned. "And I suspect I'm not likely to be awake much longer."

"Angel does have a talent of wearing a body out."

"Yes, he certainly does," Wesley said. "It's been a long time since... well."

"Shame that." Doyle's hands slid around to Wesley's back, kneading gently. "If you hadn't got together with Angel, I may have had to find something artificial to help you out with that."

"Really?" Wesley asked, curious despite his body's utter lack of response. Doyle's hands felt amazing, though. "God, that feels nice."

"Good." Doyle's voice was low and soothing. "It's supposed to." He paused and then answered, "Really and truly. I might still just to see what we can get up to."

"Mm." Wesley's eyes closed despite himself. "Do you miss it?" he asked.

"No, not really," Doyle replied, his voice still soft. "Which is weird because you'd think I would. I miss the idea of it maybe more than the actual reality."

"I still haven't given up on finding a way to reverse that part of this, you know," Wesley said. "Although clearly now it would have to wait until after the baby is born."

"Clearly. That would be one of the surprise benefits that came with this body."

"How does Angel feel about it?" Wesley asked.

"About me being in Cordy's body?"

"No, sorry," Wesley said. "I meant about the baby. Did you talk about it?"

"Yeah." Doyle smiled slightly. "He's still scared something's going to happen, but he's... good with it."

"He has every right to be concerned," Wesley said. "I would be, if I were in his shoes."

"I understand why he's feeling the way he is," Doyle said. "With all he's been through how could he not?"

"We'll have to our best to reassure him," Wesley said. "I will." There was so much history between them. Sometimes it seemed as if it would be impossible for them to get past it.

Doyle kissed him. "I'm glad to have the help."

"So am I," Wesley said, wondering why the words sounded so familiar.


	37. Chapter 37

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle,

I don't know if you'll get this before you go into the office, but Wes just left and I couldn't sleep and... well. I wanted you to hear it from me, even though by now you've probably already heard it from him...

We, you know... fucked. Me and Wes, I mean. You already know that you and I did -- got proof of that, which, believe me, I'm still feeling pretty stunned about. We -- me and Wes -- were talking, and we had a couple of drinks, and then the next thing you knew we were kissing. And it was good, and I know you wanted that for us, but I still feel weird about it. Like I need you to tell me it's okay.

Is he okay?

\- Angel

_________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel,

Wes is asleep and I think I slept too much earlier as I'm wide awake. But it's not a bad thing since I got this now instead of the morning.

> We, you know... fucked. Me and Wes, I mean. You already know that you  
and I did -- got proof of that, which, believe me, I'm still feeling  
pretty stunned about. We -- me and Wes -- were talking, and we had a  
couple of drinks, and then the next thing you knew we were kissing. And  
it was good, and I know you wanted that for us, but I still feel weird  
about it. Like I need you to tell me it's okay.

It's okay. Really. A bit faster than I thought, but there's nothing wrong with that. And you always were one to get on with things once you put your mind to it, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

> Is he okay?

He's fine. Like I said, he's asleep, seems you wore him out.

How are you doing?

Doyle

_________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> Wes is asleep and I think I slept too much earlier as I'm wide awake.  
But it's not a bad thing since I got this now instead of the morning.

I almost shut the computer off a couple of minutes ago. I was just kind of sitting here thinking. Now I'm glad I was. This place feels really empty without you here.

> > We, you know... fucked. Me and Wes, I mean. You already know that you  
and I did -- got proof of that, which, believe me, I'm still feeling  
pretty stunned about. We -- me and Wes -- were talking, and we had a  
couple of drinks, and then the next thing you knew we were kissing. And  
it was good, and I know you wanted that for us, but I still feel weird  
about it. Like I need you to tell me it's okay.

> It's okay. Really. A bit faster than I thought, but there's nothing  
wrong with that. And you always were one to get on with things once  
you put your mind to it, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Shouldn't be? Does that mean you are?

This is so... I don't know, confusing. Not bad, but confusing. Because I love you, and I want to be with you, and you love Wes, and... anyway, you know what I mean.

> > Is he okay?

> He's fine. Like I said, he's asleep, seems you wore him out.

How are you doing?

I think confused pretty much covers it.

What about you?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> I almost shut the computer off a couple of minutes ago. I was just kind  
of sitting here thinking. Now I'm glad I was. This place feels really  
empty without you here.

I miss you too.

> > It's okay. Really. A bit faster than I thought, but there's nothing  
wrong with that. And you always were one to get on with things once  
you put your mind to it, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

> Shouldn't be? Does that mean you are?

Yeah. Not that it happened so much; even when I was still stuck in W&H's computers I could see the sexual tension between you two. I just thought it would take longer for you to act on it.

> This is so... I don't know, confusing. Not bad, but confusing. Because  
I love you, and I want to be with you, and you love Wes, and... anyway,  
you know what I mean.

Yeah I do. We're all trying to feel our way through this I think. Well, I am, I'm assuming no one handed Wes a road map to the situation since he fell asleep. Although with Cordy hovering around, ya never know.

> > How are you doing?

> I think confused pretty much covers it.

What about you?

I'm okay. Weird, isn't it? You'd think I'd feel at least a little worried about maybe being left out now, but I don't. Guess I really am over the old insecurities I had before.

Doyle  
__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > I almost shut the computer off a couple of minutes ago. I was just kind  
of sitting here thinking. Now I'm glad I was. This place feels really  
empty without you here.

> I miss you too.

Thanks. It's good to know that.

> > > It's okay. Really. A bit faster than I thought, but there's nothing  
wrong with that. And you always were one to get on with things once  
you put your mind to it, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

> > Shouldn't be? Does that mean you are?

> Yeah. Not that it happened so much; even when I was still stuck in  
W&H's computers I could see the sexual tension between you  
two. I just thought it would take longer for you to act on it.

I don't even know how it happened. One minute we were having a drink and trying to talk, and the next thing you know... well, our clothes were on the floor.

> > This is so... I don't know, confusing. Not bad, but confusing. Because  
I love you, and I want to be with you, and you love Wes, and... anyway,  
you know what I mean.

> Yeah I do. We're all trying to feel our way through this I think.  
Well, I am, I'm assuming no one handed Wes a road map to the situation  
since he fell asleep. Although with Cordy hovering around, ya never  
know.

I'd really appreciate a road map about now. Even if all it did was tell us we were ON the right road. Not that it doesn't feel like we could be.

> > > How are you doing?

> > I think confused pretty much covers it.

What about you?

> I'm okay. Weird, isn't it? You'd think I'd feel at least a little  
worried about maybe being left out now, but I don't. Guess I really am  
over the old insecurities I had before.

I don't think either of us wants you to feel left out. You just tell us what you need, and we'll figure out a way to give it to you.

Love you.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel,

> > > I almost shut the computer off a couple of minutes ago. I was just kind  
of sitting here thinking. Now I'm glad I was. This place feels really  
empty without you here.

> > I miss you too.

> Thanks. It's good to know that.

Hopefully we'll be able to fix that soon so no one's missing anyone.

> > Yeah. Not that it happened so much; even when I was still stuck in  
W&H's computers I could see the sexual tension between you  
two. I just thought it would take longer for you to act on it.

> I don't even know how it happened. One minute we were having a drink  
and trying to talk, and the next thing you know... well, our clothes  
were on the floor.

Sounds like you two just reached full boil at the same time.

Would it be completely pervy to ask you to tell me about it?

> > Yeah I do. We're all trying to feel our way through this I think.  
Well, I am, I'm assuming no one handed Wes a road map to the situation  
since he fell asleep. Although with Cordy hovering around, ya never  
know.

> I'd really appreciate a road map about now. Even if all it did was tell  
us we were ON the right road. Not that it doesn't feel like we could be.

I don't think life is like that -- visions and friends who are higher powers aside. We're all stumbling around in the dark trying to find the right path.

Does feel like this might be it though.

> > > What about you?

> > I'm okay. Weird, isn't it? You'd think I'd feel at least a little  
worried about maybe being left out now, but I don't. Guess I really am  
over the old insecurities I had before.

> I don't think either of us wants you to feel left out. You just tell us  
what you need, and we'll figure out a way to give it to you.

See, you and Wes both saying things like that, and my lack of worry is more understandable.

> Love you.

Love you too.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi, Doyle. Why are you still up? Actually, don't answer that, because as soon as I send this, I'm going to bed. Wes wore me out, too, and if I go to bed you won't have anyone to talk to and YOU'LL have to go to bed, which you should do.

> > > I miss you too.

> > Thanks. It's good to know that.

> Hopefully we'll be able to fix that soon so no one's missing anyone.

You think? The last thing I want to do is encroach upon Wes' territory, which, okay, makes it sound like we're two dogs in some kind of pissing contest over you, which really isn't the case. Really. But I don't want him to feel like I'm coming into space that's HIS.

> > I don't even know how it happened. One minute we were having a drink  
and trying to talk, and the next thing you know... well, our clothes  
were on the floor.

> Sounds like you two just reached full boil at the same time.

Would it be completely pervy to ask you to tell me about it?

COMPLETELY pervy? No.

Basically, we kissed, I went down on him, then I fucked him on the desk. Yeah, downstairs. Then we moved upstairs, and we talked some more, then had sex in the bed, the shower, the bed, then I think the bed again. There might have been one more time in there that I'm forgetting. It was good. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have sex with another man.

Which is not what I meant, because you still are. I just mean the parts, you know?

> > I'd really appreciate a road map about now. Even if all it did was tell  
us we were ON the right road. Not that it doesn't feel like we could be.

> I don't think life is like that -- visions and friends who are higher  
powers aside. We're all stumbling around in the dark trying to find  
the right path.

Does feel like this might be it though.

I really, really hope it is. The three of us... we kind of fit. I think. I hope.

> > > I'm okay. Weird, isn't it? You'd think I'd feel at least a little  
worried about maybe being left out now, but I don't. Guess I really am  
over the old insecurities I had before.

> > I don't think either of us wants you to feel left out. You just tell us  
what you need, and we'll figure out a way to give it to you.

> See, you and Wes both saying things like that, and my lack of worry is  
more understandable.

We want what's best for you. Both of us. Don't forget that.

> > Love you.

> Love you too.

If you love me, go get some sleep.

I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Good night, Doyle.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> Why are you still up? Actually, don't answer that, because  
as soon as I send this, I'm going to bed. Wes wore me out, too, and if  
I go to bed you won't have anyone to talk to and YOU'LL have to go to  
bed, which you should do.

I'm not really sure why I'm still up. But I keep finding myself wide awake in the middle of the night. The wee one taking after her father's nocturnal ways maybe.

But don't worry, I make up any lack of sleep in naps during the day. Pretty much whether I want to or not. I close my eyes for a minute and next thing I know it's an hour later and I'm waking up trying to pretend that isn't a drool stain on your desk.

Speaking of, guess you'll be wanting your office back, huh?

> > Hopefully we'll be able to fix that soon so no one's missing anyone.

> You think? The last thing I want to do is encroach upon Wes' territory,  
which, okay, makes it sound like we're two dogs in some kind of pissing  
contest over you, which really isn't the case. Really. But I don't want  
him to feel like I'm coming into space that's HIS.

Most dogs who were in a pissing contest don't spend evenings doing what you two did.

I don't know how I feel about being considered someone's territory. I'll have to think about that some more.

> COMPLETELY pervy? No.

Basically, we kissed, I went down on him, then I fucked him on the  
desk. Yeah, downstairs. Then we moved upstairs, and we talked some  
more, then had sex in the bed, the shower, the bed, then I think the  
bed again. There might have been one more time in there that I'm  
forgetting. It was good. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have sex  
with another man.

Wow. When you guys explode you really explode.

Least that explains why Wes was so wiped out.

> Which is not what I meant, because you still are. I just mean the  
parts, you know?

Considering what I see when I look in the mirror, I really can't say anything.

> > I don't think life is like that -- visions and friends who are higher  
powers aside. We're all stumbling around in the dark trying to find  
the right path.

Does feel like this might be it though.

> I really, really hope it is. The three of us... we kind of fit. I  
think. I hope.

Yeah we do. Pieces of the same puzzle.

> > > I don't think either of us wants you to feel left out. You just tell us  
what you need, and we'll figure out a way to give it to you.

> > See, you and Wes both saying things like that, and my lack of worry is  
more understandable.

> We want what's best for you. Both of us. Don't forget that.

Like I was telling Wesley earlier, I've got really lucky here.

> > > Love you.

> > Love you too.

> If you love me, go get some sleep.

I'll try.

> I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Good night, Doyle.

Good night Angel. Love you.

Doyle  
__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi, Doyle. It was nice to get up and find your email waiting for me. I hope you got some sleep.

> > Why are you still up? Actually, don't answer that, because  
as soon as I send this, I'm going to bed. Wes wore me out, too, and if  
I go to bed you won't have anyone to talk to and YOU'LL have to go to  
bed, which you should do.

> I'm not really sure why I'm still up. But I keep finding myself wide  
awake in the middle of the night. The wee one taking after her  
father's nocturnal ways maybe.

But don't worry, I make up any lack of sleep in naps during the day.  
Pretty much whether I want to or not. I close my eyes for a minute and  
next thing I know it's an hour later and I'm waking up trying to  
pretend that isn't a drool stain on your desk.

As long as you're getting enough sleep, I guess it doesn't matter when you get it. Just make sure you take care of yourself, okay? I don't want you doing too much and getting sick.

> Speaking of, guess you'll be wanting your office back, huh?

I don't care that much about the office, really, but I guess I should probably take it back, if nothing else because it's what's expected, you know? But we can share, if you want. Not like there's not plenty of room. We could bring in another desk, whatever else you wanted.

> > You think? The last thing I want to do is encroach upon Wes' territory,  
which, okay, makes it sound like we're two dogs in some kind of pissing  
contest over you, which really isn't the case. Really. But I don't want  
him to feel like I'm coming into space that's HIS.

> Most dogs who were in a pissing contest don't spend evenings doing  
what you two did.

True.

> I don't know how I feel about being considered someone's territory.  
I'll have to think about that some more.

No, I didn't mean it like that. Really. I meant the apartment. Wes has been living there, right? Me going in there where he's been comfortable... I don't want to make him UNcomfortable. Does that make sense?

> > COMPLETELY pervy? No.

Basically, we kissed, I went down on him, then I fucked him on the  
desk. Yeah, downstairs. Then we moved upstairs, and we talked some  
more, then had sex in the bed, the shower, the bed, then I think the  
bed again. There might have been one more time in there that I'm  
forgetting. It was good. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have sex  
with another man.

> Wow. When you guys explode you really explode.

Least that explains why Wes was so wiped out.

I was pretty wiped out, too, believe me.

> > Which is not what I meant, because you still are. I just mean the  
parts, you know?

> Considering what I see when I look in the mirror, I really can't say anything.

You're perfect. I love you. It's not important to me if you have breasts or not or female parts or male parts, as long as you're alive and I can touch you and talk to you. The rest doesn't matter.

> > > I don't think life is like that -- visions and friends who are higher  
powers aside. We're all stumbling around in the dark trying to find  
the right path.

Does feel like this might be it though.

> > I really, really hope it is. The three of us... we kind of fit. I  
think. I hope.

> Yeah we do. Pieces of the same puzzle.

Exactly. A strange puzzle, maybe, and I guess talking about interlocking parts might hit a little too close to home, but yeah.

> > > See, you and Wes both saying things like that, and my lack of worry is  
more understandable.

> > We want what's best for you. Both of us. Don't forget that.

> Like I was telling Wesley earlier, I've got really lucky here.

I'm pretty sure Wes and I feel just as lucky, if not more so.

> > If you love me, go get some sleep.

> I'll try.

Hope it worked.

Are you going in to the office today? I mean, I assume you are. I'm trying to decide what to do. I'm not sure I'm ready to go in to Wolfram & Hart yet, I might need another day to wrap my brain around that, but that leaves me with nothing to do. Any ideas?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> Hi, Doyle. It was nice to get up and find your email waiting for me. I  
hope you got some sleep.

Some, yeah, thanks.

> As long as you're getting enough sleep, I guess it doesn't matter when  
you get it. Just make sure you take care of yourself, okay? I don't  
want you doing too much and getting sick.

I don't want me getting sick either. I'm taking care of myself -- with you and Wes around I wouldn't have much choice even if I didn't want to. Which I do and I am, I hasten to add.

> > Speaking of, guess you'll be wanting your office back, huh?

> I don't care that much about the office, really, but I guess I should  
probably take it back, if nothing else because it's what's expected,  
you know? But we can share, if you want. Not like there's not plenty of  
room. We could bring in another desk, whatever else you wanted.

Maybe. I guess first we need to figure out what I'm doing as the job I have been working -- namely making sure it looks like you were still around or at least in touch -- isn't needed anymore.

> > I don't know how I feel about being considered someone's territory.  
I'll have to think about that some more.

> No, I didn't mean it like that. Really. I meant the apartment. Wes has  
been living there, right? Me going in there where he's been  
comfortable... I don't want to make him UNcomfortable. Does that make  
sense?

Wes has been staying here most nights but he's not living here. He still keeps his own place and sleeps there sometimes.

But yeah, I get what you're saying. It's one of those things we have to work out.

> > > Which is not what I meant, because you still are. I just mean the  
parts, you know?

> > Considering what I see when I look in the mirror, I really can't say  
anything.

> You're perfect. I love you. It's not important to me if you have  
breasts or not or female parts or male parts, as long as you're alive  
and I can touch you and talk to you. The rest doesn't matter.

Y'know for someone who says he's not good with words, you're really good at saying exactly the right thing.

> > > I really, really hope it is. The three of us... we kind of fit. I  
think. I hope.

> > Yeah we do. Pieces of the same puzzle.

> Exactly. A strange puzzle, maybe, and I guess talking about  
interlocking parts might hit a little too close to home, but yeah.

I dunno -- talking about interlocking parts sounds like it could be... interesting, if you get what I mean.

> > > We want what's best for you. Both of us. Don't forget that.

> > Like I was telling Wesley earlier, I've got really lucky here.

> I'm pretty sure Wes and I feel just as lucky, if not more so.

We're not going to have an argument about who's luckier are we?

> Are you going in to the office today? I mean, I assume you are. I'm  
trying to decide what to do. I'm not sure I'm ready to go in to Wolfram  
& Hart yet, I might need another day to wrap my brain around that, but  
that leaves me with nothing to do. Any ideas?

Well if you don't feel like diving back into work today, how do you feel about maybe going shopping for baby things?

Don't feel you have to say yes, if you're not ready that's fine. We've some time still. I just thought, now that you're back you might want to... Y'know. Start preparing.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi Doyle.

> > It was nice to get up and find your email waiting for me. I  
hope you got some sleep.

> Some, yeah, thanks.

Good, I'm glad.

> > As long as you're getting enough sleep, I guess it doesn't matter when  
you get it. Just make sure you take care of yourself, okay? I don't  
want you doing too much and getting sick.

> I don't want me getting sick either. I'm taking care of myself -- with  
you and Wes around I wouldn't have much choice even if I didn't want  
to. Which I do and I am, I hasten to add.

We just want you to be okay. Although I guess I can see that it might get annoying, especially with both of us making sure. I'll try to ease off if you want me to.

> > > Speaking of, guess you'll be wanting your office back, huh?

> > I don't care that much about the office, really, but I guess I should  
probably take it back, if nothing else because it's what's expected,  
you know? But we can share, if you want. Not like there's not plenty of  
room. We could bring in another desk, whatever else you wanted.

> Maybe. I guess first we need to figure out what I'm doing as the job I  
have been working -- namely making sure it looks like you were still  
around or at least in touch -- isn't needed anymore.

It's a law firm -- there's always too much to do. I'm sure we can find something you'd be really good at, if you want, although maybe you might want to take some time off instead? If you've been doing too much, I mean.

Which is probably me being overprotective again, huh. Sorry.

> > No, I didn't mean it like that. Really. I meant the apartment. Wes has  
been living there, right? Me going in there where he's been  
comfortable... I don't want to make him UNcomfortable. Does that make  
sense?

> Wes has been staying here most nights but he's not living here. He  
still keeps his own place and sleeps there sometimes.

Maybe you want to keep the apartment just for you? I always thought that was a good idea anyway. Wes could keep his place, I could move back into the penthouse -- I assume no one else's been using it, if you've been trying to pretend I was kind of around -- and you could keep Cordelia's apartment. I don't know. I guess, thinking about it, that sounds kind of, you know, lonely. For everyone.

> But yeah, I get what you're saying. It's one of those things we have  
to work out.

Maybe you and Wes should figure it out. I'll do whatever you want.

> > You're perfect. I love you. It's not important to me if you have  
breasts or not or female parts or male parts, as long as you're alive  
and I can touch you and talk to you. The rest doesn't matter.

> Y'know for someone who says he's not good with words, you're really  
good at saying exactly the right thing.

I guess every once in a while I get lucky with that.

> > > Yeah we do. Pieces of the same puzzle.

> > Exactly. A strange puzzle, maybe, and I guess talking about  
interlocking parts might hit a little too close to home, but yeah.

> I dunno -- talking about interlocking parts sounds like it could be...  
interesting, if you get what I mean.

You think? Me and Wes, we'd do pretty much anything to make you happy. Just say the word.

> > > Like I was telling Wesley earlier, I've got really lucky here.

> > I'm pretty sure Wes and I feel just as lucky, if not more so.

> We're not going to have an argument about who's luckier are we?

Nope. I already know the answer to that one. *Grin*

> > Are you going in to the office today? I mean, I assume you are. I'm  
trying to decide what to do. I'm not sure I'm ready to go in to Wolfram  
& Hart yet, I might need another day to wrap my brain around that, but  
that leaves me with nothing to do. Any ideas?

> Well if you don't feel like diving back into work today, how do you  
feel about maybe going shopping for baby things?

Don't feel you have to say yes, if you're not ready that's fine. We've  
some time still. I just thought, now that you're back you might want  
to... Y'know. Start preparing.

That's a good idea. What about Wes?

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > > As long as you're getting enough sleep, I guess it doesn't matter when  
you get it. Just make sure you take care of yourself, okay? I don't  
want you doing too much and getting sick.

> > I don't want me getting sick either. I'm taking care of myself -- with  
you and Wes around I wouldn't have much choice even if I didn't want  
to. Which I do and I am, I hasten to add.

> We just want you to be okay. Although I guess I can see that it might  
get annoying, especially with both of us making sure. I'll try to ease  
off if you want me to.

The fussing's all kinda... nice as long as it's kept within reason. You haven't reached annoying yet. I'll let you know if you do.

> > Maybe. I guess first we need to figure out what I'm doing as the job I  
have been working -- namely making sure it looks like you were still  
around or at least in touch -- isn't needed anymore.

> It's a law firm -- there's always too much to do. I'm sure we can find  
something you'd be really good at, if you want, although maybe you  
might want to take some time off instead? If you've been doing too  
much, I mean.

I haven't been doing too much, I've been doing just enough.

But really, now that you're back, guess I'm back in the position I was in before you left -- needing to figure out what I really want to do. Fighting the good fight kinda goes without saying, though anything really... active in that area isn't going to be an option right now for obvious reasons.

Haven't even had a vision since I came back yet, unless you count that dream of Cordelia. But you had one of those too, so it probably doesn't count. That's probably for obvious reasons too.

Those obvious reasons kinda limit all my choices right now for other perspective employment. Guess the best thing I can do for now is offer to help you with your paperwork and stuff. I've pretty much got your signature down if, say, your hand cramps up and you need someone else to sign for you.

> Which is probably me being overprotective again, huh. Sorry.

No, that's you being your normal overprotective. That's fine.

> Maybe you want to keep the apartment just for you? I always thought  
that was a good idea anyway. Wes could keep his place, I could move  
back into the penthouse -- I assume no one else's been using it, if  
you've been trying to pretend I was kind of around -- and you could  
keep Cordelia's apartment. I don't know. I guess, thinking about it,  
that sounds kind of, you know, lonely. For everyone.

It does and we don't want that.

So that means we either have to pick one of the places we already have to all move into, which pretty much boils down to either the penthouse or the hotel because Wes' place or my apartment are both going to be a bit cramped with three and a half --soon to be four -- people in them.

Or we could all get together and go looking for a new place that we pick out together. Where it's nobody's established territory.

But that may be me getting ahead of ourselves. Just because you two had sex -- many many times -- last night doesn't mean I should assume you're ready to move in.

> > But yeah, I get what you're saying. It's one of those things we have  
to work out.

> Maybe you and Wes should figure it out. I'll do whatever you want.

If we're going to do anything, it's going to have to be all three of us deciding. I think that's something we need to establish right now, otherwise it could come back and bite us later.

> > > You're perfect. I love you. It's not important to me if you have  
breasts or not or female parts or male parts, as long as you're alive  
and I can touch you and talk to you. The rest doesn't matter.

> > Y'know for someone who says he's not good with words, you're really  
good at saying exactly the right thing.

> I guess every once in a while I get lucky with that.

More often than you like to admit.

> > > > Yeah we do. Pieces of the same puzzle.

> > > Exactly. A strange puzzle, maybe, and I guess talking about  
interlocking parts might hit a little too close to home, but yeah.

> > I dunno -- talking about interlocking parts sounds like it could be...  
interesting, if you get what I mean.

> You think? Me and Wes, we'd do pretty much anything to make you happy.  
Just say the word.

This isn't just about making me happy -- although I'm not about to tell you to stop. But ideally, we're going to be making everybody -- or us three at least -- happy.

> > > > Like I was telling Wesley earlier, I've got really lucky here.

> > > I'm pretty sure Wes and I feel just as lucky, if not more so.

> > We're not going to have an argument about who's luckier are we?

> Nope. I already know the answer to that one. *Grin*

Yeah, can see we'll have to fight that out one of these days. ;-)

> > Well if you don't feel like diving back into work today, how do you  
feel about maybe going shopping for baby things?

Don't feel you have to say yes, if you're not ready that's fine. We've  
some time still. I just thought, now that you're back you might want  
to... Y'know. Start preparing.

> That's a good idea. What about Wes?

He's already gone to the office, bright and early. I think I managed to wake up enough to mutter something sort of semi-coherent when he kissed me goodbye, though I'm not sure what language it might have been in. Good thing Wes is good with the linguistics.

We can email him and ask if he wants to come, or we can spend some time on our own first and ask him to join us for dinner where we can talk some things out and see if we can't make some headway in putting the puzzle together?

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi, Doyle.

> > We just want you to be okay. Although I guess I can see that it might  
get annoying, especially with both of us making sure. I'll try to ease  
off if you want me to.

> The fussing's all kinda... nice as long as it's kept within reason.  
You haven't reached annoying yet. I'll let you know if you do.

Okay, good. Because I really don't want to be annoying, but I don't think I could just stop worrying about you cold turkey.

> > It's a law firm -- there's always too much to do. I'm sure we can find  
something you'd be really good at, if you want, although maybe you  
might want to take some time off instead? If you've been doing too  
much, I mean.

> I haven't been doing too much, I've been doing just enough.

But really, now that you're back, guess I'm back in the position I was  
in before you left -- needing to figure out what I really want to do.  
Fighting the good fight kinda goes without saying, though anything  
really... active in that area isn't going to be an option right now  
for obvious reasons.

Haven't even had a vision since I came back yet, unless you count that  
dream of Cordelia. But you had one of those too, so it probably  
doesn't count. That's probably for obvious reasons too.

Those obvious reasons kinda limit all my choices right now for other  
perspective employment. Guess the best thing I can do for now is offer  
to help you with your paperwork and stuff. I've pretty much got your  
signature down if, say, your hand cramps up and you need someone else  
to sign for you.

I'm sure I'll be able to use whatever help you can give me -- it might take days just to catch me up on what's been going on. Which means I should probably plan on coming back tomorrow, doesn't it, because the more time goes by, the harder it's going to be.

You think you aren't having visions because of the baby? It'd be kind of nice to think that the Powers That Be would cut you some slack for the duration, but I wouldn't count on it. Call me paranoid, but I find it hard to believe they'd be that accommodating. They were ready to kill Cordy over them, or, you know, stand around and watch it happen, so I'm not so sure this is them being all benevolent. But I guess we'll see.

Got good at forging my signature, have you?

> > Which is probably me being overprotective again, huh. Sorry.

> No, that's you being your normal overprotective. That's fine.

Okay. Thanks.

> > Maybe you want to keep the apartment just for you? I always thought  
that was a good idea anyway. Wes could keep his place, I could move  
back into the penthouse -- I assume no one else's been using it, if  
you've been trying to pretend I was kind of around -- and you could  
keep Cordelia's apartment. I don't know. I guess, thinking about it,  
that sounds kind of, you know, lonely. For everyone.

> It does and we don't want that.

So that means we either have to pick one of the places we already have  
to all move into, which pretty much boils down to either the penthouse  
or the hotel because Wes' place or my apartment are both going to be a bit  
cramped with three and a half --soon to be four -- people in them.

Or we could all get together and go looking for a new place that we  
pick out together. Where it's nobody's established territory.

But that may be me getting ahead of ourselves. Just because you two  
had sex -- many many times -- last night doesn't mean I should assume  
you're ready to move in.

I'd be okay with giving it a shot, but that might be because otherwise I'm here alone, or in the penthouse alone. I'd rather be with both of you than neither of you, even if that means some weird vibes between me and Wesley sometimes. On the other hand, YOU might not be all that comfortable with the two of us being weird around each other, so you should think about that. Not that we can't give it a try and then take a break if it's too soon.

And yeah, I'd be fine with looking for a new place. The penthouse would be big enough for the three of us, I think, but, like you said, soon to be four. We'd probably want more space than that. And... well, don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather not live at the hotel. It's good as an emergency kind of place, but I've done the baby thing here. I don't think I could do it again. Wes might not want to, either.

> > > But yeah, I get what you're saying. It's one of those things we have  
to work out.

> > Maybe you and Wes should figure it out. I'll do whatever you want.

> If we're going to do anything, it's going to have to be all three of  
us deciding. I think that's something we need to establish right now,  
otherwise could come back and bite us later.

Okay. Just point me at the decisions and I'll cast my vote, or whatever. But sometimes whatever we're deciding might not be that important to me, in which case I really AM okay with letting the people who DO care decide.

I want to be with you. The other stuff is just window dressing.

> > > Y'know for someone who says he's not good with words, you're really  
good at saying exactly the right thing.

> > I guess every once in a while I get lucky with that.

> More often than you like to admit.

Honestly? I can't tell. So I need you to point it out, when it happens. You're pretty good at that, though.

> > > I dunno -- talking about interlocking parts sounds like it could be...  
interesting, if you get what I mean.

> > You think? Me and Wes, we'd do pretty much anything to make you happy.  
Just say the word.

> This isn't just about making me happy -- although I'm not about to  
tell you to stop. But ideally, we're going to be making everybody --  
or us three at least -- happy.

I know. But you come first, with me, and I think it's safe to say that you do with Wes, too. Not that that might not kind of even out eventually, but for now, that's just the way it is.

> > > We're not going to have an argument about who's luckier are we?

> > Nope. I already know the answer to that one. *Grin*

> Yeah, can see we'll have to fight that out one of these days. ;-)

I'd rather let you win than fight with you. Seriously.

> > > Well if you don't feel like diving back into work today, how do you  
feel about maybe going shopping for baby things?

Don't feel you have to say yes, if you're not ready that's fine. We've  
some time still. I just thought, now that you're back you might want  
to... Y'know. Start preparing.

> > That's a good idea. What about Wes?

> He's already gone to the office, bright and early. I think I managed  
to wake up enough to mutter something sort of semi-coherent when he  
kissed me goodbye, though I'm not sure what language it might have  
been in. Good thing Wes is good with the linguistics.

We can email him and ask if he wants to come, or we can spend some  
time on our own first and ask him to join us for dinner where we can  
talk some things out and see if we can't make some headway in putting  
the puzzle together?

I'm okay to have it be just me and you for a while, as long as you don't think he's going to feel left out. I don't want to get in a position where I made the call that resulted in him feeling like he was being pushed away from you, you know? So maybe this is one of the things that you should decide about. But dinner sounds good either way.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel,

> > > We just want you to be okay. Although I guess I can see that it might  
get annoying, especially with both of us making sure. I'll try to ease  
off if you want me to.

> > The fussing's all kinda... nice as long as it's kept within reason.  
You haven't reached annoying yet. I'll let you know if you do.

> Okay, good. Because I really don't want to be annoying, but I don't  
think I could just stop worrying about you cold turkey.

I wouldn't want you to. And I worry about you too, y'know. Kinda goes with the territory of loving you.

> > But really, now that you're back, guess I'm back in the position I was  
in before you left -- needing to figure out what I really want to do.  
Fighting the good fight kinda goes without saying, though anything  
really... active in that area isn't going to be an option right now  
for obvious reasons.

Haven't even had a vision since I came back yet, unless you count that  
dream of Cordelia. But you had one of those too, so it probably  
doesn't count. That's probably for obvious reasons too.

Those obvious reasons kinda limit all my choices right now for other  
perspective employment. Guess the best thing I can do for now is offer  
to help you with your paperwork and stuff. I've pretty much got your  
signature down if, say, your hand cramps up and you need someone else  
to sign for you.

> I'm sure I'll be able to use whatever help you can give me -- it might  
take days just to catch me up on what's been going on. Which means I  
should probably plan on coming back tomorrow, doesn't it, because the  
more time goes by, the harder it's going to be.

Yeah, probably best to get back up on that horse before you forget what sitting in the saddle was like.

....

Okay, no more late night western marathons for me.

> You think you aren't having visions because of the baby? It'd be kind  
of nice to think that the Powers That Be would cut you some slack for  
the duration, but I wouldn't count on it. Call me paranoid, but I find  
it hard to believe they'd be that accommodating. They were ready to  
kill Cordy over them, or, you know, stand around and watch it happen,  
so I'm not so sure this is them being all benevolent. But I guess we'll  
see.

I don't have much faith in the benevolence of the PTB, but I have a lot of faith in Cordelia. And she seems to have been keeping a weather eye out for us through all of this, so...

> Got good at forging my signature, have you?

Well Cordelia was a fair hand at it back in the old days; I think there might have been some muscle memory left when she gave me her body.

> > So that means we either have to pick one of the places we already have  
to all move into, which pretty much boils down to either the penthouse  
or the hotel because Wes' place or my apartment are both going to be a bit  
cramped with three and a half --soon to be four -- people in them.

Or we could all get together and go looking for a new place that we  
pick out together. Where it's nobody's established territory.

But that may be me getting ahead of ourselves. Just because you two  
had sex -- many many times -- last night doesn't mean I should assume  
you're ready to move in.

> I'd be okay with giving it a shot, but that might be because otherwise  
I'm here alone, or in the penthouse alone. I'd rather be with both of  
you than neither of you, even if that means some weird vibes between me  
and Wesley sometimes. On the other hand, YOU might not be all that  
comfortable with the two of us being weird around each other, so you  
should think about that. Not that we can't give it a try and then take  
a break if it's too soon.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I haven't seen you and Wesley not being weird around each other. The kind of weirdness varies but still, weird.

It's not too soon for me, but I can't speak for you and Wesley.

But it does sound like we're ready to give it a try at least.

> And yeah, I'd be fine with looking for a new place. The penthouse would  
be big enough for the three of us, I think, but, like you said, soon to  
be four. We'd probably want more space than that. And... well, don't  
take this the wrong way, but I'd rather not live at the hotel. It's  
good as an emergency kind of place, but I've done the baby thing here.  
I don't think I could do it again. Wes might not want to, either.

I hadn't thought about it, but yeah. Don't want to evoke any bad memories for Wes or you.

Sounds like our best bet would be to go out and find a new place for all of us, especially since this is kinda a new start for everyone.

We can add it to our list of things to get.

> > > > But yeah, I get what you're saying. It's one of those things we have  
to work out.

> > > Maybe you and Wes should figure it out. I'll do whatever you want.

> > If we're going to do anything, it's going to have to be all three of  
us deciding. I think that's something we need to establish right now,  
otherwise could come back and bite us later.

> Okay. Just point me at the decisions and I'll cast my vote, or  
whatever. But sometimes whatever we're deciding might not be that  
important to me, in which case I really AM okay with letting the people  
who DO care decide.

Just as long as it really is that and not you just keeping quiet so as not to rock the boat.

> I want to be with you. The other stuff is just window dressing.

That would be you saying exactly the right thing again.

> > > > Y'know for someone who says he's not good with words, you're really  
good at saying exactly the right thing.

> > > I guess every once in a while I get lucky with that.

> > More often than you like to admit.

> Honestly? I can't tell. So I need you to point it out, when it happens.  
You're pretty good at that, though.

I've always been good at calling them as I see them.

> > > > I dunno -- talking about interlocking parts sounds like it could be...  
interesting, if you get what I mean.

> > > You think? Me and Wes, we'd do pretty much anything to make you happy.  
Just say the word.

> > This isn't just about making me happy -- although I'm not about to  
tell you to stop. But ideally, we're going to be making everybody --  
or us three at least -- happy.

> I know. But you come first, with me, and I think it's safe to say that  
you do with Wes, too. Not that that might not kind of even out  
eventually, but for now, that's just the way it is.

I can't decide whether that makes me more grateful or guilty. Mostly when I think about it, I'm just flabbergasted and gobsmacked and all kinds of other words of shocked disbelief, that I somehow have become the center of all this.

I never really believed I'd have one person who felt like that for me, much less two.

> > > > We're not going to have an argument about who's luckier are we?

> > > Nope. I already know the answer to that one. *Grin*

> > Yeah, can see we'll have to fight that out one of these days. ;-)

> I'd rather let you win than fight with you. Seriously.

I'll remember that.

And that means I'm the luckiest. ;-)

> > > > Well if you don't feel like diving back into work today, how do you  
feel about maybe going shopping for baby things?

Don't feel you have to say yes, if you're not ready that's fine. We've  
some time still. I just thought, now that you're back you might want  
to... Y'know. Start preparing.

> > > That's a good idea. What about Wes?

> > He's already gone to the office, bright and early. I think I managed  
to wake up enough to mutter something sort of semi-coherent when he  
kissed me goodbye, though I'm not sure what language it might have  
been in. Good thing Wes is good with the linguistics.

We can email him and ask if he wants to come, or we can spend some  
time on our own first and ask him to join us for dinner where we can  
talk some things out and see if we can't make some headway in putting  
the puzzle together?

> I'm okay to have it be just me and you for a while, as long as you  
don't think he's going to feel left out. I don't want to get in a  
position where I made the call that resulted in him feeling like he was  
being pushed away from you, you know? So maybe this is one of the  
things that you should decide about. But dinner sounds good either way.

One of us should probably be in to keep an eye on things today anyway. I'm sure Wes will understand and we can make it up for him over dinner and after.

Doyle

__________

To: Doyle  
From: Angel

Hi, Doyle.

> > Okay, good. Because I really don't want to be annoying, but I don't  
think I could just stop worrying about you cold turkey.

> I wouldn't want you to. And I worry about you too, y'know. Kinda goes  
with the territory of loving you.

Yeah, but there's no need to worry about me. I'm not the one who's pregnant, plus I'm already dead.

> > I'm sure I'll be able to use whatever help you can give me -- it might  
take days just to catch me up on what's been going on. Which means I  
should probably plan on coming back tomorrow, doesn't it, because the  
more time goes by, the harder it's going to be.

> Yeah, probably best to get back up on that horse before you forget  
what sitting in the saddle was like.

....

Okay, no more late night western marathons for me.

Heh, apparently not. I'm not really crazy about horses. Anyway, yeah, back to the office tomorrow. I could use some help coming up with a few lines to toss around about what I've been up to -- you know what you've been telling people, and I don't want to contradict anything, you know?

> > You think you aren't having visions because of the baby? It'd be kind  
of nice to think that the Powers That Be would cut you some slack for  
the duration, but I wouldn't count on it. Call me paranoid, but I find  
it hard to believe they'd be that accommodating. They were ready to  
kill Cordy over them, or, you know, stand around and watch it happen,  
so I'm not so sure this is them being all benevolent. But I guess we'll  
see.

> I don't have much faith in the benevolence of the PTB, but I have a  
lot of faith in Cordelia. And she seems to have been keeping a weather  
eye out for us through all of this, so...

Well, hopefully you'll be able to skip them until the baby's born. That'd be nice.

> > Got good at forging my signature, have you?

> Well Cordelia was a fair hand at it back in the old days; I think  
there might have been some muscle memory left when she gave me her  
body.

If it came in handy, then I'm glad. As long as you don't start putting my name places I might not want it. (I'm kidding.)

> > I'd be okay with giving it a shot, but that might be because otherwise  
I'm here alone, or in the penthouse alone. I'd rather be with both of  
you than neither of you, even if that means some weird vibes between me  
and Wesley sometimes. On the other hand, YOU might not be all that  
comfortable with the two of us being weird around each other, so you  
should think about that. Not that we can't give it a try and then take  
a break if it's too soon.

> Not to put too fine a point on it, but I haven't seen you and Wesley  
not being weird around each other. The kind of weirdness varies but  
still, weird.

There's a lot of history there. Lots of things said and done that we can't take back. Maybe, if we spend enough time together, things will go back to the way they used to be, but yeah, at first there's likely to be some tension.

> It's not too soon for me, but I can't speak for you and Wesley.

But it does sound like we're ready to give it a try at least.

Like I said, I'm willing. Maybe we can talk to Wes about it tonight.

> > And yeah, I'd be fine with looking for a new place. The penthouse would  
be big enough for the three of us, I think, but, like you said, soon to  
be four. We'd probably want more space than that. And... well, don't  
take this the wrong way, but I'd rather not live at the hotel. It's  
good as an emergency kind of place, but I've done the baby thing here.  
I don't think I could do it again. Wes might not want to, either.

> I hadn't thought about it, but yeah. Don't want to evoke any bad  
memories for Wes or you.

Sounds like our best bet would be to go out and find a new place for  
all of us, especially since this is kinda a new start for everyone.

We can add it to our list of things to get.

Not as easy as walking into a mega-store and buying a jumbo pack of size 1 Pampers, but yeah, we can shop around once we know what it is we're looking for.

> > Okay. Just point me at the decisions and I'll cast my vote, or  
whatever. But sometimes whatever we're deciding might not be that  
important to me, in which case I really AM okay with letting the people  
who DO care decide.

> Just as long as it really is that and not you just keeping quiet so as  
not to rock the boat.

I can't deny I might do that sometimes, too, but cut me some slack. I'm lucky you took me back at all -- there's gonna be times when that's all I'll be able to think about.

> > I want to be with you. The other stuff is just window dressing.

> That would be you saying exactly the right thing again.

It's true. I don't care where we live -- well, a place on the top floor with lots of windows would be out, but otherwise...

> > Honestly? I can't tell. So I need you to point it out, when it happens.  
You're pretty good at that, though.

> I've always been good at calling them as I see them.

Yeah, you have. One of the reasons I fell for you.

> > I know. But you come first, with me, and I think it's safe to say that  
you do with Wes, too. Not that that might not kind of even out  
eventually, but for now, that's just the way it is.

> I can't decide whether that makes me more grateful or guilty. Mostly  
when I think about it, I'm just flabbergasted and gobsmacked and all  
kinds of other words of shocked disbelief, that I somehow have become  
the center of all this.

I never really believed I'd have one person who felt like that for me,  
much less two.

Don't feel guilty -- it's just the way things are. It's not like you manipulated us into it. You're just... you, and that's all it took. Wes and I are both crazy about you, for good reason.

> > > Yeah, can see we'll have to fight that out one of these days. ;-)

> > I'd rather let you win than fight with you. Seriously.

> I'll remember that.

And that means I'm the luckiest. ;-)

Fine. Happy now?

I am, you know.

> > > We can email him and ask if he wants to come, or we can spend some  
time on our own first and ask him to join us for dinner where we can  
talk some things out and see if we can't make some headway in putting  
the puzzle together?

> > I'm okay to have it be just me and you for a while, as long as you  
don't think he's going to feel left out. I don't want to get in a  
position where I made the call that resulted in him feeling like he was  
being pushed away from you, you know? So maybe this is one of the  
things that you should decide about. But dinner sounds good either way.

> One of us should probably be in to keep an eye on things today anyway.  
I'm sure Wes will understand and we can make it up for him over dinner  
and after.

Okay, sounds good. You want to meet somewhere? I actually happen to be carless at the moment, but you could pick me up in one of the Wolfram & Hart cars if you wanted, or I could meet you somewhere sewer-accessible.

\- Angel

__________

To: Angel  
From: Doyle

Hi Angel

> > > Okay, good. Because I really don't want to be annoying, but I don't  
think I could just stop worrying about you cold turkey.

> > I wouldn't want you to. And I worry about you too, y'know. Kinda goes  
with the territory of loving you.

> Yeah, but there's no need to worry about me. I'm not the one who's  
pregnant, plus I'm already dead.

Okay, I'll grant you the pregnant point, but just because you don't breathe doesn't mean you're dead. In any meaningful way, you're very much alive and I'd like to keep you that way.

So yeah, I'm going to worry about you.

> > Yeah, probably best to get back up on that horse before you forget  
what sitting in the saddle was like.

....

Okay, no more late night western marathons for me.

> Heh, apparently not. I'm not really crazy about horses. Anyway, yeah,  
back to the office tomorrow. I could use some help coming up with a few  
lines to toss around about what I've been up to -- you know what you've  
been telling people, and I don't want to contradict anything, you know?

You're the boss. You don't owe anyone an explanation unless you want to give one. But we'll give you crib notes.

> > > You think you aren't having visions because of the baby? It'd be kind  
of nice to think that the Powers That Be would cut you some slack for  
the duration, but I wouldn't count on it. Call me paranoid, but I find  
it hard to believe they'd be that accommodating. They were ready to  
kill Cordy over them, or, you know, stand around and watch it happen,  
so I'm not so sure this is them being all benevolent. But I guess we'll  
see.

> > I don't have much faith in the benevolence of the PTB, but I have a  
lot of faith in Cordelia. And she seems to have been keeping a weather  
eye out for us through all of this, so...

> Well, hopefully you'll be able to skip them until the baby's born.  
That'd be nice.

Yeah.

> > > Got good at forging my signature, have you?

> > Well Cordelia was a fair hand at it back in the old days; I think  
there might have been some muscle memory left when she gave me her  
body.

> If it came in handy, then I'm glad. As long as you don't start putting  
my name places I might not want it. (I'm kidding.)

Wes can do a fair copy of it as well.

> > > I'd be okay with giving it a shot, but that might be because otherwise  
I'm here alone, or in the penthouse alone. I'd rather be with both of  
you than neither of you, even if that means some weird vibes between me  
and Wesley sometimes. On the other hand, YOU might not be all that  
comfortable with the two of us being weird around each other, so you  
should think about that. Not that we can't give it a try and then take  
a break if it's too soon.

> > Not to put too fine a point on it, but I haven't seen you and Wesley  
not being weird around each other. The kind of weirdness varies but  
still, weird.

> There's a lot of history there. Lots of things said and done that we  
can't take back. Maybe, if we spend enough time together, things will  
go back to the way they used to be, but yeah, at first there's likely  
to be some tension.

Like there was last night? ;-)

If there is, can I watch?

> > It's not too soon for me, but I can't speak for you and Wesley.

But it does sound like we're ready to give it a try at least.

> Like I said, I'm willing. Maybe we can talk to Wes about it tonight.

Sounds like a plan.

> > > And yeah, I'd be fine with looking for a new place. The penthouse would  
be big enough for the three of us, I think, but, like you said, soon to  
be four. We'd probably want more space than that. And... well, don't  
take this the wrong way, but I'd rather not live at the hotel. It's  
good as an emergency kind of place, but I've done the baby thing here.  
I don't think I could do it again. Wes might not want to, either.

> > I hadn't thought about it, but yeah. Don't want to evoke any bad  
memories for Wes or you.

Sounds like our best bet would be to go out and find a new place for  
all of us, especially since this is kinda a new start for everyone.

We can add it to our list of things to get.

> Not as easy as walking into a mega-store and buying a jumbo pack of  
size 1 Pampers, but yeah, we can shop around once we know what it is  
we're looking for.

It'll give you a good excuse to stay out of the office some more too.

> > Just as long as it really is that and not you just keeping quiet so as  
not to rock the boat.

> I can't deny I might do that sometimes, too, but cut me some slack. I'm  
lucky you took me back at all -- there's gonna be times when that's all  
I'll be able to think about.

Angel, you made a mistake; god knows I've made enough of those in my life. I was never going to write you off just because of a bad decision, beyond the whole making me feel like a hypocrite thing, I love you and I want you in my life. Our lives.

That's not going to change just because you don't agree with me on something. Promise.

> > > I want to be with you. The other stuff is just window dressing.

> > That would be you saying exactly the right thing again.

> It's true. I don't care where we live -- well, a place on the top floor  
with lots of windows would be out, but otherwise...

You mean like your penthouse. :-)

Actually I was thinking, whatever place we end up, we can see about making sure we get that necro-tempered glass on all the windows.

I like seeing you in the sunlight.

> > > I know. But you come first, with me, and I think it's safe to say that  
you do with Wes, too. Not that that might not kind of even out  
eventually, but for now, that's just the way it is.

> > I can't decide whether that makes me more grateful or guilty. Mostly  
when I think about it, I'm just flabbergasted and gobsmacked and all  
kinds of other words of shocked disbelief, that I somehow have become  
the center of all this.

I never really believed I'd have one person who felt like that for me,  
much less two.

> Don't feel guilty -- it's just the way things are. It's not like you  
manipulated us into it. You're just... you, and that's all it took. Wes  
and I are both crazy about you, for good reason.

Hard to believe sometimes. But it's easier than it used to be.

> > > > Yeah, can see we'll have to fight that out one of these days. ;-)

> > > I'd rather let you win than fight with you. Seriously.

> > I'll remember that.

And that means I'm the luckiest. ;-)

> Fine. Happy now?

Ecstatic.

> I am, you know.

Good.

> > One of us should probably be in to keep an eye on things today anyway.  
I'm sure Wes will understand and we can make it up for him over dinner  
and after.

> Okay, sounds good. You want to meet somewhere? I actually happen to be  
carless at the moment, but you could pick me up in one of the Wolfram &  
Hart cars if you wanted, or I could meet you somewhere sewer-accessible.

I'll come pick you up, seems the simplest. Give me an hour and I'll be there.

Doyle


End file.
